Tuca & Bertie (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
The Deli Guy
1 [theme music plays.]
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie - Tuca - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[theme song ends.]
[bongo drums play.]
-[bicycle bell rings.]
-[Tuca hums.]
Baby Bertie, Bertie baby Bay-Ber bee-tee -[giggles.]
-You are going to love this place.
The deli guy is so hot.
Girl, when he splashes that vinegar Mm, God damn! -[screams.]
-I love when you get a new crush! -I'm crushin' hard, girl! -[scream continues.]
-My lunch! -Uh, here you go.
He's so cool, he's like a crunchy leaf of lettuce on a sweet-ass tomato.
So exciting! Ah! Just imagine.
Maybe someday he'll throw you on the back of his motorcycle, which he always drives within five miles of the speed limit, and whisk you away to the desert where you'll meet a whole community of sandwich artists.
You'll build a life out there, isolated from society, but not too far from a hospital.
One night, when everyone's laughing and talking, you all unleash your desires and kiss as one! Finally, the intersection of passion and safety overflows until your bodies transcend the limits of pleasure! [pants.]
Whoo! Girl, you horny as shit! -Speckle not puttin' out? -No, Speckle's puttin' in.
Every Tuesday and Thursday at 7:45 p.
m.
Ever since we moved in together and work's gotten really busy, my life has fallen into kind of a routine.
It's like I know exactly what's gonna happen later.
Speckle will come home, toss his jacket on the couch, his keys will fall out, and he'll go, "Oops.
" Then he'll give me a peck on the beak, and we'll make out for exactly two minutes before he grabs my left boob.
[Tuca.]
Excellent choice of boob.
[Bertie.]
He'll brush his teeth while I grab the condoms, and I'll briefly think, "I should go back on birth control, but, nah, it makes me crazy!" Then it's missionary, quickie doggie, even quicker missionary.
You guys should try "the Woodpecker.
" It's not what it sounds like.
It's worse.
-[chuckles.]
-[laughs.]
Oh! There he is.
[gibbers.]
[woman screams.]
Huh, he's reckless and has no spatial awareness.
He's perfect for you! You can feel the electricity between us, right? [giggles.]
-[R&B music plays.]
-[electricity crackles.]
[grunts.]
Okey-dokey, all done.
Now the electricity is safely inside the electricity tubes.
-[dings.]
-Number 72! Hey, that's us! Get on up there and work your Tuca magic.
Uh.
Siete y dos.
-Uh -Why are you being so weird? Just hit him with that confident Tuca swagger.
Do what you did with that bartender in Mooseville.
Or what you did with that lead singer from Molted Feathers.
[rock music plays.]
[mic feedback rings.]
[crowd cheers.]
Or that cab driver on spring break.
-[tires screech.]
-[screams.]
Just be that wild, impulsive, very-scary-at-times Tuca.
Okay, yeah.
That's still me.
-[stutters.]
I'm number 72.
-Oh, hey.
Double salami with extra salami, hold the bread? [gasps.]
He remembers me.
[electricity crackles.]
-[screams.]
-[gasps.]
Whoa.
Her bones came out.
-[barks.]
-Um, wow.
Uh, so sorry about this.
[grunts.]
Scram! -[barks.]
-[chuckles.]
Bone-jour.
[chuckles.]
-Bones.
So many.
-[gibbers.]
Anyhoo, my friend was hoping to get your number.
Oh, I don't deliver.
No, she likes you.
Whoa! Sure! Thanks.
And here's a pickle for the road.
Stay cool and be yourself.
Ooh, pickle? Hmm.
"Hot Mating Dances You Can Do At Home.
" -[ragtime music plays.]
-Oh, yeah! Come get it, zaddy! [pants.]
I wanna taste you! -I don't know about this one, Internet.
-[door opens.]
-[screams.]
-Oh, yeah, big boy.
Hey, baby.
-Uh, hi! -Oops.
[narrator.]
Here we see the male robin and female song thrush in their long-term cohabitation attempting to transition into an established mating ritual.
Unique to the male robin of this region is his uncanny ability to wait precisely two minutes after first contact before grasping the left breast of his mate.
But wait.
What's this? I can't believe this.
Why, no one has ever seen the male robin do this in the wild before.
Look close: the female song thrush ripe with anticipation.
Oh, so close! In the infinite battle between nature and nurture, sometimes there are no winners.
Oh, boy, I loves me some bird watching! [woman.]
Nicola, stop peeping and come eat your sheep pudding and smashy peas! Mum! Hey, maybe we could try something different tonight? Huh? What if you, I don't know, ordered me around? Ooh, you mean, like, role play? [growls.]
Yeah.
Sure.
You wanna talk it out or, like, choose a safe word first? How about "hot potato"? Mm, no, that's too sexy.
Maybe "warm potato"? Nah! Let's just jump right into it.
It's, like, whatever, you know? [chuckles.]
Okay.
Uh, let's see.
Maybe something like bend over, you little tart.
Whoa! Ooh okay.
-[thwack.]
-[Speckle grunts.]
You need to be punished.
[laughs.]
-You've been a very bad bird.
-[groans.]
And now I'm very disappointed in you.
Bad bird, bad! But but I'm a good bird.
Oh, you want me to think you're good, but you're a filthy little bird, aren't you? -No, I'm not.
-Whoa.
Oh, my God! Uh, are you crying? -Please don't cry.
-[bawls.]
Oh, my God! Oh, no! No, it was just pretend.
-Warm potato! Warm potato! -I'm so sorry.
I don't know why I'm -[bawls.]
-Shh.
Come on Oh, my God.
No.
I didn't think I'd react this way.
[chuckles.]
-What the hell? -[chuckles.]
Maybe this was just a lot to jump into, huh? Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry I made it weird.
Maybe we can just do it the usual way tonight? Oh, yeah! I'm gonna go brush my teeth real quick.
[chants.]
Usual way! Usual way! Usual way! [Bertie.]
You should just call him.
You have his number.
What's the big deal? I mean, like, if you don't call him, he's just gonna be taking up space in your head like a sexy tumor.
Oh, you really putting me in a package with this deli guy.
Right! The deli guy.
Who you're gonna go out with, right? Uh, I'm gonna read this book now 'cause, uh I love books, and this, this is the book I've been meaning to read, so -[chuckles.]
-Hmm.
Hmm, yes.
"Crop rotation grew popular in the 18th century.
" Yeah, yeah.
Get it, Europe.
Rotate those crops.
[Bertie.]
Hmm.
Ugh! What? Wait.
[gasps.]
Here we go! -Nice! -[screams.]
Hot Sex for Agreeable People, you'll love that one.
I don't always agree with it.
Oral History of Oral Orioles and Areolas is a quick read.
-Shh! -Do not leave your number in that book.
-Tuca -Oh! And this one, I wrote.
-[Bertie.]
Wow! -[Tuca.]
Mm-hmm.
-That's good.
That's me.
-[man.]
Tuca! What'd I tell you about spending too long in the erotica section? Get off my shit, Jeremy! What are you gonna do on your date with the deli guy? [gasps.]
You should take him to the glow worm exhibit.
Or wait! Maybe the amusement park.
Or you, me, and Speckle can go to the movies.
I love being the third wheel.
The third wheel was an important addition to the sulky plow, which spread through Eastern Europe in the 19th century.
Wait a second.
You're nervous! You must, like, like him, like him.
That's why you're being so weird.
Uh - Tuca's in love -Stop.
Fine, I'll call him, okay? Hey, Jeremy, ring Bertie up for this book for horny people who don't know how to have sex.
-You got it.
-Tuca! Going on a date Now I'm in the zone It'll be so hot, we'll totally bone You sound pitchy.
O-kay.
Looking like a whole snack out here.
Maybe snacks are responsible for those thick-ass legs.
What the bitch? Are you just saying my deepest fears and insecurities? I'm a mirror, ho.
I just call it like I see it.
And that beak of yours? Huge.
"Trying on outfit" montages are supposed to be fun.
-Ugh! No! -[glass shatters.]
Uh, no.
Uh, hell no! I never wear makeup, but a first date seems like a great time to start.
Let's just get a little contour going.
-Yeah, cake that shit on, you dumb shrew.
-Damn, who made this mirror? Mirror sales are down here at Mean Mirror Incorporated, you incompetent pieces of shit! How about we make the mirrors nice? God damn it, Carol! If you weren't my own daughter, I'd fire your ass right now! [groans.]
Shit, this beak concealer is powerful.
Oops.
Too much.
[laughing.]
[cheering.]
Oh, Tuca [Bertie.]
Bleh! Oh.
[gasps.]
Bleh! [whimpers.]
Phew! [screams.]
[shouts.]
[exclaims.]
[pants.]
Woo! "Get to know your partner's desires.
For example, enjoy a pornographic film together.
" Hmm.
-[Holland.]
Bertie! -[exclaims.]
! Did you get that message I sent? -[mouse clicks.]
-[moos.]
-Ha.
-[chuckles.]
Improving morale.
Bye! [whispers.]
It's Tuesday.
Tuca? [sensual music plays.]
Okay, Tuca, be cool.
-[hisses.]
-Woo! Whoa! Sweet entrance.
You caught some air.
Sorry I'm 30 minutes late.
I totally get it if you just wanna cancel now.
I just got here, too.
Don't wear a watch.
I go by the sun.
Shit, that's cool.
Well, we better get going.
Real packed itinerary.
Worms to watch, rides to ride, hands to hold [stammers.]
I mean, you don't need to.
Uh -Gah! -Oops.
Sweaty.
[Tuca groans.]
[chuckles.]
So just show me what kind of porn you'd normally click on.
Uh, well, this feels like a trap, and I've never shared this with anyone before but okay.
Mm.
[knock on door.]
Maybe that's the pizza I ordered.
It's me, your boyfriend.
I'm moving in.
-[groans.]
-[actors moan.]
-Okay, baby.
-Ooh! I love you.
I'm so glad we moved in together.
My only regret is not doing it sooner.
I love you.
I'm sorry she's blue! -[cringes.]
Is that okay? -Oh, of course.
I love that you can be honest with me.
I love that you can be honest with me.
Ooh, yeah, right there.
I want your full consent to put it here.
Whoa! This place is romantic.
Fine by me.
Or, as we say in the sandwich biz, fine bánh mi.
[chuckles.]
Ack! Don't tell me what to do, worms.
Forget those worms.
Look at me.
Uh, we're making noises now? This is fun! I'm not allowed to whoop at the deli anymore.
[sighs.]
You look nice.
[sighs.]
Uh, is it just me or is it too dark in here? [all gasp.]
Ugh, it's just a bunch of worms! They're so ugly! [screams.]
[woman screams.]
Why, Mommy? Why? [cries.]
Code red, code red! They've seen the truth! -[all sigh.]
-[camera shutter clicks.]
Well, I liked how they looked.
Didn't you? -[camera shutter clicks.]
-Aw.
You scared him off, Tuca.
He's cute, he's sweet, he has access to free ham.
Just be a normal, confident toucan woman with strong legs.
Strong legs! -[phone buzzes.]
-[groans.]
[phone whooshes.]
[man in video.]
I made you some oven fries.
[woman in video moans.]
[Tuca groans.]
[chuckles.]
-Ugh! -[Deli Guy.]
Hey.
I got you these.
You match these colors.
Wow.
Thank you.
Uh, we should go.
It's time to go to the amusement park.
I hope you like shoddy safety and barfing.
-[sensual music plays.]
-[man.]
You're so sexy.
[horn blares.]
Whoa.
She's an incredible actress.
I think she could make the jump to mainstream.
See? I think so, too! But I get the sense that she's choosing not to.
[chuckles.]
Why don't you show me what you like to watch? Well it's not exactly porn, but have you seen The Nests of Netherfield? [keyboard clicks.]
[woman.]
I don't know why you trifle with me, Lord Wilkshire.
By all accounts, you seem to find me dreadfully foolish.
Why, on the contrary, Lady Netherfield, I find you delightfully foolish.
[gasps.]
[Bertie mouths woman's dialogue.]
Oh, Geoffrey! You came! -Of course, my sweet Edith.
-But the nests, there are so many! I'd cross the Nests of Netherfield a thousand times over to be next to your nest.
I've longed for this moment for 15 long winters and one surprisingly short spring.
Then we shan't waste a moment more.
Mwah.
[moans.]
So hot! So, you want me to ignore you for 15 years, then give you a small peck on the beak? No! It's not about the peck.
It's about the building of desire, the longing, the passion.
Weren't you surprised when Lord Wilkshire showed up at the end? I'm just confused because he was betrothed to Lady Trottington, but then at Countess Hennypeather's summer equinox-- No, you're not getting it! I think I just want to be surprised.
I'm sorry.
Maybe that's dumb.
[classical music plays.]
You know, I spend all day looking at people lining up for sandwiches.
It's cool to wait in line for a change.
[chuckles.]
Mm-hmm.
[bear squeaks.]
[groans.]
You know, I don't talk about work stuff with most people, but I feel like I could tell you my craziest ideas.
Like, what if you could keep cold cuts in a desk drawer? [chuckles.]
[gasps.]
That's a billion-dollar idea, both practical and delicious.
But I hate it and it's nasty.
Look, it's our turn! Hey! [hydraulics hiss.]
[grunt and gibbers.]
[riders scream.]
-Woo-hoo! [laughs.]
-[gibbers.]
-Okay -Wanna do it? Whoa, girl.
Chill! So, a "no" to the doing it? You've been acting crazy all night.
I keep trying to roll with it and, like, talk to you, but you're all over the place.
Nice tits, but I don't know what your deal is.
It's just I just can't.
-[gasps.]
-[crashes.]
[Tuca.]
Ow! [cries.]
I'm sorry! Reminder to all riders, please keep your hands, feet, beaks, and boobs inside the ride at all times, thank you.
[pants.]
[jazz music plays.]
[groans.]
[hisses.]
[groans.]
-[hisses.]
-What? [slug groans.]
[groans.]
"My dearest Samuel, I am 112 years old now, and my loins still long for your feathery bosom.
I await the day you return to Puffin Heights.
" [groans.]
Agatha! I should never have left you! [groans.]
[announcer.]
Well, that was a very sensible migration indeed.
Next up on British Bird Channel, we have a bit of a chat on our talk show, Oh, That's So Edward.
Then tune in at tea-and-biscuits-o'clock for Miss Marzipan's School for Horrid, Horrid Children, -followed by seven hours of world news.
-[snores.]
Ugh.
Tuca, you're the loudest toucan I've ever chanced upon, and I adore you.
And I feel the most ardent about you, my dear Lord Deli Guy.
You are fine as hell.
[Speckle snores.]
[sighs.]
[snoring continues.]
Just say something like "What up, Pastry Pete? Remember that time you offered me a job? I was just chillin', thinkin' up some new twists for some piggitty-pretzels, and I thought, yo, what if we baked together? That'd be tight! Hit me up, hit me up, hit me up!" Why am I so much cooler when I'm by myself? Mm, mm.
Oh, my God, that's delicious.
[Tuca moans.]
-Tuca? -[moaning continues.]
That's definitely not her sex moan.
[Tuca.]
This is my sad moan.
[moaning continues.]
Scared of heights, scared of heights.
Don't fall, don't fall.
Tuca, what happened? -I screwed up the date.
-What? I bet it wasn't as bad as you think.
-I showed up with a parasol.
-Fun and quirky.
I turned on the lights at the glow worm exhibit.
It's too dark in there.
-I flashed my boobs on the Gut Scrambler.
-Uninhibited and-- -Twice.
-Oh, no.
I wasn't ready for tonight.
I've never not been drunk on a date before.
Oh, shit.
Was this your first date since you've been sober? Yeah, and it was so much easier when I drank.
Glug, glug, glug.
Smooch, smooch, smooch.
Blur, blur, blur.
Bang, bang.
-Barf, barf, you know? -Oh.
But now [gulps.]
Now I feel so exposed.
I don't know how to be.
I mean, I was cool with some light deli flirting, but then But then I pressured you.
Ugh! I thought you were in love with him.
In love with him? I don't even know his name.
I've been calling him "Deli Guy" all night.
I kept trying to text you how I felt, and-- Ugh! I completely misinterpreted all of your texts.
I'm sorry I pushed you so hard.
I've been so caught up in my own issues.
Forgive me? -Duh! -[chuckles.]
-So, the sex book didn't help? -[laughs.]
Nope.
But it's not just the sex, or Speckle.
It's just I can't quite put my finger on it.
I mean, I love Speckle.
I have a good job.
I don't know what I'm missing.
Hey, at least this is nice, though.
Yeah, it is.
-Woo! Hey! -[laughs.]
[rooster crows.]
Running late, running late.
Why did I check the time? I don't have time to check.
[growls.]
Are those pubes? "Netherfield Manor is where you now stand.
Passion awaits in a faraway land.
" What? "Netherfield Place, where Geoffrey bid goodbye.
Quick, step out the door where you'll be surprised.
" [gasps.]
The Nests of Netherfield! Ooh! [laughs.]
I can't believe this! -[Speckle grunts.]
-[squeal and laughs.]
Speckle, my butt's showing! Lady Bertie, the Nests of Netherfield will keep us apart no more.
We shan't waste a moment longer.
-Ha! -[exclaims.]
No! The window! Shh, my lady.
Your posterior is marvelous, and the whole kingdom shall'th see it! [hissing.]
-Thank you for this.
-Anything for you, my lady.
-Oh, no.
[groans, coughs.]
-[Bertie gasps.]
I'm dying of dysentery, and the only cure is doing it.
[both laugh.]
[both moan.]
-[Bertie gasps.]
Oh, no! -[laughs.]
[Nicola.]
And such is the beauty of life.
Like flowers in the desert or rain on a cloudless day, surprises abound.
And so, our favorite lovebirds find themselves enwrapped with passion once again.
You see as they-- [Nicola's mother.]
I swear to heavens, Nicola, if your breakfast cabbage gets cold Mum, I'll eat it later! You know you're a bloody pervert, right? Eh Boy, oh, boy, do I love bird-peepin'.
[grunts.]
[grunts snd gibbers.]
[chittering, barking.]
[man.]
Boxer versus raptor, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!
Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie, Tuca & Bertie Bertie & Tuca and Tuca & Bertie Tuca & Bertie - Tuca - And Bertie [both vocalize.]
[theme song ends.]
[bongo drums play.]
-[bicycle bell rings.]
-[Tuca hums.]
Baby Bertie, Bertie baby Bay-Ber bee-tee -[giggles.]
-You are going to love this place.
The deli guy is so hot.
Girl, when he splashes that vinegar Mm, God damn! -[screams.]
-I love when you get a new crush! -I'm crushin' hard, girl! -[scream continues.]
-My lunch! -Uh, here you go.
He's so cool, he's like a crunchy leaf of lettuce on a sweet-ass tomato.
So exciting! Ah! Just imagine.
Maybe someday he'll throw you on the back of his motorcycle, which he always drives within five miles of the speed limit, and whisk you away to the desert where you'll meet a whole community of sandwich artists.
You'll build a life out there, isolated from society, but not too far from a hospital.
One night, when everyone's laughing and talking, you all unleash your desires and kiss as one! Finally, the intersection of passion and safety overflows until your bodies transcend the limits of pleasure! [pants.]
Whoo! Girl, you horny as shit! -Speckle not puttin' out? -No, Speckle's puttin' in.
Every Tuesday and Thursday at 7:45 p.
m.
Ever since we moved in together and work's gotten really busy, my life has fallen into kind of a routine.
It's like I know exactly what's gonna happen later.
Speckle will come home, toss his jacket on the couch, his keys will fall out, and he'll go, "Oops.
" Then he'll give me a peck on the beak, and we'll make out for exactly two minutes before he grabs my left boob.
[Tuca.]
Excellent choice of boob.
[Bertie.]
He'll brush his teeth while I grab the condoms, and I'll briefly think, "I should go back on birth control, but, nah, it makes me crazy!" Then it's missionary, quickie doggie, even quicker missionary.
You guys should try "the Woodpecker.
" It's not what it sounds like.
It's worse.
-[chuckles.]
-[laughs.]
Oh! There he is.
[gibbers.]
[woman screams.]
Huh, he's reckless and has no spatial awareness.
He's perfect for you! You can feel the electricity between us, right? [giggles.]
-[R&B music plays.]
-[electricity crackles.]
[grunts.]
Okey-dokey, all done.
Now the electricity is safely inside the electricity tubes.
-[dings.]
-Number 72! Hey, that's us! Get on up there and work your Tuca magic.
Uh.
Siete y dos.
-Uh -Why are you being so weird? Just hit him with that confident Tuca swagger.
Do what you did with that bartender in Mooseville.
Or what you did with that lead singer from Molted Feathers.
[rock music plays.]
[mic feedback rings.]
[crowd cheers.]
Or that cab driver on spring break.
-[tires screech.]
-[screams.]
Just be that wild, impulsive, very-scary-at-times Tuca.
Okay, yeah.
That's still me.
-[stutters.]
I'm number 72.
-Oh, hey.
Double salami with extra salami, hold the bread? [gasps.]
He remembers me.
[electricity crackles.]
-[screams.]
-[gasps.]
Whoa.
Her bones came out.
-[barks.]
-Um, wow.
Uh, so sorry about this.
[grunts.]
Scram! -[barks.]
-[chuckles.]
Bone-jour.
[chuckles.]
-Bones.
So many.
-[gibbers.]
Anyhoo, my friend was hoping to get your number.
Oh, I don't deliver.
No, she likes you.
Whoa! Sure! Thanks.
And here's a pickle for the road.
Stay cool and be yourself.
Ooh, pickle? Hmm.
"Hot Mating Dances You Can Do At Home.
" -[ragtime music plays.]
-Oh, yeah! Come get it, zaddy! [pants.]
I wanna taste you! -I don't know about this one, Internet.
-[door opens.]
-[screams.]
-Oh, yeah, big boy.
Hey, baby.
-Uh, hi! -Oops.
[narrator.]
Here we see the male robin and female song thrush in their long-term cohabitation attempting to transition into an established mating ritual.
Unique to the male robin of this region is his uncanny ability to wait precisely two minutes after first contact before grasping the left breast of his mate.
But wait.
What's this? I can't believe this.
Why, no one has ever seen the male robin do this in the wild before.
Look close: the female song thrush ripe with anticipation.
Oh, so close! In the infinite battle between nature and nurture, sometimes there are no winners.
Oh, boy, I loves me some bird watching! [woman.]
Nicola, stop peeping and come eat your sheep pudding and smashy peas! Mum! Hey, maybe we could try something different tonight? Huh? What if you, I don't know, ordered me around? Ooh, you mean, like, role play? [growls.]
Yeah.
Sure.
You wanna talk it out or, like, choose a safe word first? How about "hot potato"? Mm, no, that's too sexy.
Maybe "warm potato"? Nah! Let's just jump right into it.
It's, like, whatever, you know? [chuckles.]
Okay.
Uh, let's see.
Maybe something like bend over, you little tart.
Whoa! Ooh okay.
-[thwack.]
-[Speckle grunts.]
You need to be punished.
[laughs.]
-You've been a very bad bird.
-[groans.]
And now I'm very disappointed in you.
Bad bird, bad! But but I'm a good bird.
Oh, you want me to think you're good, but you're a filthy little bird, aren't you? -No, I'm not.
-Whoa.
Oh, my God! Uh, are you crying? -Please don't cry.
-[bawls.]
Oh, my God! Oh, no! No, it was just pretend.
-Warm potato! Warm potato! -I'm so sorry.
I don't know why I'm -[bawls.]
-Shh.
Come on Oh, my God.
No.
I didn't think I'd react this way.
[chuckles.]
-What the hell? -[chuckles.]
Maybe this was just a lot to jump into, huh? Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry I made it weird.
Maybe we can just do it the usual way tonight? Oh, yeah! I'm gonna go brush my teeth real quick.
[chants.]
Usual way! Usual way! Usual way! [Bertie.]
You should just call him.
You have his number.
What's the big deal? I mean, like, if you don't call him, he's just gonna be taking up space in your head like a sexy tumor.
Oh, you really putting me in a package with this deli guy.
Right! The deli guy.
Who you're gonna go out with, right? Uh, I'm gonna read this book now 'cause, uh I love books, and this, this is the book I've been meaning to read, so -[chuckles.]
-Hmm.
Hmm, yes.
"Crop rotation grew popular in the 18th century.
" Yeah, yeah.
Get it, Europe.
Rotate those crops.
[Bertie.]
Hmm.
Ugh! What? Wait.
[gasps.]
Here we go! -Nice! -[screams.]
Hot Sex for Agreeable People, you'll love that one.
I don't always agree with it.
Oral History of Oral Orioles and Areolas is a quick read.
-Shh! -Do not leave your number in that book.
-Tuca -Oh! And this one, I wrote.
-[Bertie.]
Wow! -[Tuca.]
Mm-hmm.
-That's good.
That's me.
-[man.]
Tuca! What'd I tell you about spending too long in the erotica section? Get off my shit, Jeremy! What are you gonna do on your date with the deli guy? [gasps.]
You should take him to the glow worm exhibit.
Or wait! Maybe the amusement park.
Or you, me, and Speckle can go to the movies.
I love being the third wheel.
The third wheel was an important addition to the sulky plow, which spread through Eastern Europe in the 19th century.
Wait a second.
You're nervous! You must, like, like him, like him.
That's why you're being so weird.
Uh - Tuca's in love -Stop.
Fine, I'll call him, okay? Hey, Jeremy, ring Bertie up for this book for horny people who don't know how to have sex.
-You got it.
-Tuca! Going on a date Now I'm in the zone It'll be so hot, we'll totally bone You sound pitchy.
O-kay.
Looking like a whole snack out here.
Maybe snacks are responsible for those thick-ass legs.
What the bitch? Are you just saying my deepest fears and insecurities? I'm a mirror, ho.
I just call it like I see it.
And that beak of yours? Huge.
"Trying on outfit" montages are supposed to be fun.
-Ugh! No! -[glass shatters.]
Uh, no.
Uh, hell no! I never wear makeup, but a first date seems like a great time to start.
Let's just get a little contour going.
-Yeah, cake that shit on, you dumb shrew.
-Damn, who made this mirror? Mirror sales are down here at Mean Mirror Incorporated, you incompetent pieces of shit! How about we make the mirrors nice? God damn it, Carol! If you weren't my own daughter, I'd fire your ass right now! [groans.]
Shit, this beak concealer is powerful.
Oops.
Too much.
[laughing.]
[cheering.]
Oh, Tuca [Bertie.]
Bleh! Oh.
[gasps.]
Bleh! [whimpers.]
Phew! [screams.]
[shouts.]
[exclaims.]
[pants.]
Woo! "Get to know your partner's desires.
For example, enjoy a pornographic film together.
" Hmm.
-[Holland.]
Bertie! -[exclaims.]
! Did you get that message I sent? -[mouse clicks.]
-[moos.]
-Ha.
-[chuckles.]
Improving morale.
Bye! [whispers.]
It's Tuesday.
Tuca? [sensual music plays.]
Okay, Tuca, be cool.
-[hisses.]
-Woo! Whoa! Sweet entrance.
You caught some air.
Sorry I'm 30 minutes late.
I totally get it if you just wanna cancel now.
I just got here, too.
Don't wear a watch.
I go by the sun.
Shit, that's cool.
Well, we better get going.
Real packed itinerary.
Worms to watch, rides to ride, hands to hold [stammers.]
I mean, you don't need to.
Uh -Gah! -Oops.
Sweaty.
[Tuca groans.]
[chuckles.]
So just show me what kind of porn you'd normally click on.
Uh, well, this feels like a trap, and I've never shared this with anyone before but okay.
Mm.
[knock on door.]
Maybe that's the pizza I ordered.
It's me, your boyfriend.
I'm moving in.
-[groans.]
-[actors moan.]
-Okay, baby.
-Ooh! I love you.
I'm so glad we moved in together.
My only regret is not doing it sooner.
I love you.
I'm sorry she's blue! -[cringes.]
Is that okay? -Oh, of course.
I love that you can be honest with me.
I love that you can be honest with me.
Ooh, yeah, right there.
I want your full consent to put it here.
Whoa! This place is romantic.
Fine by me.
Or, as we say in the sandwich biz, fine bánh mi.
[chuckles.]
Ack! Don't tell me what to do, worms.
Forget those worms.
Look at me.
Uh, we're making noises now? This is fun! I'm not allowed to whoop at the deli anymore.
[sighs.]
You look nice.
[sighs.]
Uh, is it just me or is it too dark in here? [all gasp.]
Ugh, it's just a bunch of worms! They're so ugly! [screams.]
[woman screams.]
Why, Mommy? Why? [cries.]
Code red, code red! They've seen the truth! -[all sigh.]
-[camera shutter clicks.]
Well, I liked how they looked.
Didn't you? -[camera shutter clicks.]
-Aw.
You scared him off, Tuca.
He's cute, he's sweet, he has access to free ham.
Just be a normal, confident toucan woman with strong legs.
Strong legs! -[phone buzzes.]
-[groans.]
[phone whooshes.]
[man in video.]
I made you some oven fries.
[woman in video moans.]
[Tuca groans.]
[chuckles.]
-Ugh! -[Deli Guy.]
Hey.
I got you these.
You match these colors.
Wow.
Thank you.
Uh, we should go.
It's time to go to the amusement park.
I hope you like shoddy safety and barfing.
-[sensual music plays.]
-[man.]
You're so sexy.
[horn blares.]
Whoa.
She's an incredible actress.
I think she could make the jump to mainstream.
See? I think so, too! But I get the sense that she's choosing not to.
[chuckles.]
Why don't you show me what you like to watch? Well it's not exactly porn, but have you seen The Nests of Netherfield? [keyboard clicks.]
[woman.]
I don't know why you trifle with me, Lord Wilkshire.
By all accounts, you seem to find me dreadfully foolish.
Why, on the contrary, Lady Netherfield, I find you delightfully foolish.
[gasps.]
[Bertie mouths woman's dialogue.]
Oh, Geoffrey! You came! -Of course, my sweet Edith.
-But the nests, there are so many! I'd cross the Nests of Netherfield a thousand times over to be next to your nest.
I've longed for this moment for 15 long winters and one surprisingly short spring.
Then we shan't waste a moment more.
Mwah.
[moans.]
So hot! So, you want me to ignore you for 15 years, then give you a small peck on the beak? No! It's not about the peck.
It's about the building of desire, the longing, the passion.
Weren't you surprised when Lord Wilkshire showed up at the end? I'm just confused because he was betrothed to Lady Trottington, but then at Countess Hennypeather's summer equinox-- No, you're not getting it! I think I just want to be surprised.
I'm sorry.
Maybe that's dumb.
[classical music plays.]
You know, I spend all day looking at people lining up for sandwiches.
It's cool to wait in line for a change.
[chuckles.]
Mm-hmm.
[bear squeaks.]
[groans.]
You know, I don't talk about work stuff with most people, but I feel like I could tell you my craziest ideas.
Like, what if you could keep cold cuts in a desk drawer? [chuckles.]
[gasps.]
That's a billion-dollar idea, both practical and delicious.
But I hate it and it's nasty.
Look, it's our turn! Hey! [hydraulics hiss.]
[grunt and gibbers.]
[riders scream.]
-Woo-hoo! [laughs.]
-[gibbers.]
-Okay -Wanna do it? Whoa, girl.
Chill! So, a "no" to the doing it? You've been acting crazy all night.
I keep trying to roll with it and, like, talk to you, but you're all over the place.
Nice tits, but I don't know what your deal is.
It's just I just can't.
-[gasps.]
-[crashes.]
[Tuca.]
Ow! [cries.]
I'm sorry! Reminder to all riders, please keep your hands, feet, beaks, and boobs inside the ride at all times, thank you.
[pants.]
[jazz music plays.]
[groans.]
[hisses.]
[groans.]
-[hisses.]
-What? [slug groans.]
[groans.]
"My dearest Samuel, I am 112 years old now, and my loins still long for your feathery bosom.
I await the day you return to Puffin Heights.
" [groans.]
Agatha! I should never have left you! [groans.]
[announcer.]
Well, that was a very sensible migration indeed.
Next up on British Bird Channel, we have a bit of a chat on our talk show, Oh, That's So Edward.
Then tune in at tea-and-biscuits-o'clock for Miss Marzipan's School for Horrid, Horrid Children, -followed by seven hours of world news.
-[snores.]
Ugh.
Tuca, you're the loudest toucan I've ever chanced upon, and I adore you.
And I feel the most ardent about you, my dear Lord Deli Guy.
You are fine as hell.
[Speckle snores.]
[sighs.]
[snoring continues.]
Just say something like "What up, Pastry Pete? Remember that time you offered me a job? I was just chillin', thinkin' up some new twists for some piggitty-pretzels, and I thought, yo, what if we baked together? That'd be tight! Hit me up, hit me up, hit me up!" Why am I so much cooler when I'm by myself? Mm, mm.
Oh, my God, that's delicious.
[Tuca moans.]
-Tuca? -[moaning continues.]
That's definitely not her sex moan.
[Tuca.]
This is my sad moan.
[moaning continues.]
Scared of heights, scared of heights.
Don't fall, don't fall.
Tuca, what happened? -I screwed up the date.
-What? I bet it wasn't as bad as you think.
-I showed up with a parasol.
-Fun and quirky.
I turned on the lights at the glow worm exhibit.
It's too dark in there.
-I flashed my boobs on the Gut Scrambler.
-Uninhibited and-- -Twice.
-Oh, no.
I wasn't ready for tonight.
I've never not been drunk on a date before.
Oh, shit.
Was this your first date since you've been sober? Yeah, and it was so much easier when I drank.
Glug, glug, glug.
Smooch, smooch, smooch.
Blur, blur, blur.
Bang, bang.
-Barf, barf, you know? -Oh.
But now [gulps.]
Now I feel so exposed.
I don't know how to be.
I mean, I was cool with some light deli flirting, but then But then I pressured you.
Ugh! I thought you were in love with him.
In love with him? I don't even know his name.
I've been calling him "Deli Guy" all night.
I kept trying to text you how I felt, and-- Ugh! I completely misinterpreted all of your texts.
I'm sorry I pushed you so hard.
I've been so caught up in my own issues.
Forgive me? -Duh! -[chuckles.]
-So, the sex book didn't help? -[laughs.]
Nope.
But it's not just the sex, or Speckle.
It's just I can't quite put my finger on it.
I mean, I love Speckle.
I have a good job.
I don't know what I'm missing.
Hey, at least this is nice, though.
Yeah, it is.
-Woo! Hey! -[laughs.]
[rooster crows.]
Running late, running late.
Why did I check the time? I don't have time to check.
[growls.]
Are those pubes? "Netherfield Manor is where you now stand.
Passion awaits in a faraway land.
" What? "Netherfield Place, where Geoffrey bid goodbye.
Quick, step out the door where you'll be surprised.
" [gasps.]
The Nests of Netherfield! Ooh! [laughs.]
I can't believe this! -[Speckle grunts.]
-[squeal and laughs.]
Speckle, my butt's showing! Lady Bertie, the Nests of Netherfield will keep us apart no more.
We shan't waste a moment longer.
-Ha! -[exclaims.]
No! The window! Shh, my lady.
Your posterior is marvelous, and the whole kingdom shall'th see it! [hissing.]
-Thank you for this.
-Anything for you, my lady.
-Oh, no.
[groans, coughs.]
-[Bertie gasps.]
I'm dying of dysentery, and the only cure is doing it.
[both laugh.]
[both moan.]
-[Bertie gasps.]
Oh, no! -[laughs.]
[Nicola.]
And such is the beauty of life.
Like flowers in the desert or rain on a cloudless day, surprises abound.
And so, our favorite lovebirds find themselves enwrapped with passion once again.
You see as they-- [Nicola's mother.]
I swear to heavens, Nicola, if your breakfast cabbage gets cold Mum, I'll eat it later! You know you're a bloody pervert, right? Eh Boy, oh, boy, do I love bird-peepin'.
[grunts.]
[grunts snd gibbers.]
[chittering, barking.]
[man.]
Boxer versus raptor, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na!