Ugly Americans (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

You know what's a huge decision? Having a baby.
Give me your soul.
Let's just do this before we change our minds.
It's the one I call the game c changer, when two people who used to have fun together start ripping each other's throats out.
Drop that baby! You're under arrest.
You think you can waltz out of hell into my city and sell some stolen baby? No, officer.
You got it all wrong.
I'm no thief.
I'm the daddy over here.
One of the major arguments for dating a girl who is dead wrong for you: Virtually no temptation to ever make that fatal decision.
Mark, it's time to take our relationship to a new level.
Oh, dear God! There's something I want to show you.
What is that? It's my three hole.
How did I not notice that before? It just opened up.
Opened up? It changes color? I can make it blink too.
It also does this.
You think it's ugly.
No.
No, no, no, no.
It's just a lot of new information here.
Dude, pound that.
Randall? It's not what you think.
I was just watching you guys have sex.
Randall! You can kiss this three hole good-bye, Mark Lilly.
Don't make it weird.
Hello.
Dude, you got a sweet piece.
Is that that's a boom mic.
Yeah, so if you could try to project a little more, That would be great.
Okay, let's start again from the top.
Callie, could you come in here, please? Oh, sure.
Fill my hole no problem.
Clearly, your honor, this lowlife Stole someone else's child to sell on the black market.
Wait.
Aren't you the defense lawyer? Oh, right.
Uh, sorry.
Totally hopped up on sudafed p.
M.
Right now.
Let's start again.
Clearly this lowlife is the real father.
Uh, paperwork checks out.
Bing.
Seems dirty to me.
You want dirty? Callie asked me to put it in her three hole this morning.
Oh, she must trust you.
That's what they call a "Dirty Houdini.
" Let's be careful down there.
Ratso demon, please rise.
It's pronounced "enrico," ma'am.
You are hereby ordered to return Bob and Maxine Lane their souls.
Why's that? upon making any deals with said devil or any devil-like entities.
Furthermore, you are to attend D.
O.
I.
proper parenting classes until such time as our esteemed instructors Deem you a fit parent.
- She's looking at us.
- That's hilarious.
Bailiff, return his baby, please.
Yay, me.
Gootchie, gootchie, goo.
Sir, I'm pretty sure those are the feet.
I know that.
Okay, today we need to talk about parenting in the u.
S.
A.
What the hell do you know about parenting? What are you, like, ten? Fair question.
I know that parents should Never shake a baby.
So there's that.
It also says you never steal demon babies And sell them on the black market.
Why you got to look at me when you say that? I just happened to notice The price scanner you're holding.
Don't be a pussy, Mark.
He is a lying ass.
Look at the tell.
Jiggly knee.
That's the one! Okay, confession time.
I don't think this is your baby, sir.
Yeah? How's come? You justyou really don't strike me as a father.
What does it eat? Baby things.
Poker chips, grass, Energy drinks.
What's its name? Choking victim.
Where's the baby? Let me ask the questions here.
No, stupid.
The baby is missing.
Hey, what do you know about that? Oh, my God! No! Somebody get this baby off my face.
Sir, you're gonna need to try to relax your face muscles.
I know it's counterintuitive.
What's up? Sir, I'm afraid you've left me no option.
I assume control over this baby until said time that he can be placed in a proper home.
Yo, I'm heartbroken over here.
Hey, look, they got an o.
T.
B.
Over there over here.
Must he end every sentence that way? So what's the process for the demon baby? Same as hazardous waste.
Contain him overnight in a steel cage unit Until U.
P.
S.
arrives in the morning.
But there's an orphanage right across the street.
I could just walk him over there myself.
Ah, six of one Hey, little fella.
How'd you like to get a little fresh air? How could I resist that? No legs is not my problem.
You stand up for the pledge of allegiance, marshall.
Oh, my God! Is that a demon baby? Yeah, just thought I'd show him a good time Before I took him to child services.
The orphanage? That Whewreally burns quite a bit.
Oh, my dark lord.
Um, did your boobs just grow when you touched the baby? No.
Are you sure? 'cause I could have sworn there, it happened again.
Stop staring at my boobs.
I can't, so I'll go.
Uh, ma'am, you appear to be lactating fire.
Now, we can't cancel health benefits For employee spouses, but we can encourage divorce.
That is gonna be an issue.
You're doing so great, honey.
Just a little more.
Oh, my God! This is really happening.
In the day, she wear dress.
Now she naked.
Somebody shut that guy up.
Okay.
Almost.
Just push.
Push.
Splat! Oh, for God's sake! I'm in heat.
Hmm, Monday, Monday.
Oh, that's four shirts today.
Get that baby out of your mouth.
We're gonna leave that for now.
Oh, you! The bane of my existence.
Ah, a baby.
Hell, yes! I love these things.
I must say, not the reaction I was expecting.
What, are you kidding me? These things are total scush bait.
For some reason, women can't resist these little shriek bags.
Do I still have time for happy hour? Nah, I should really be getting him Over to the orphanage.
Come on.
One drink won't kill him.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? He got your nose.
It was coming off anyway.
You see, Mr.
Bone raper, When a demon woman goes into heat, The demon man, that being you, smells her pheromones, And Go on.
And he grows a massive mating bone.
You know, I don't really feel comfortable having "the chat" With my boss.
Please help me understand.
So many icky, confusing feelings I have inside.
Am I normal? Oh, of course you're normal.
It's just that if you were in hell right now, You'd be looking to disembowel your chief rival.
Then would come a battle to the death With your mating partner.
And finally, assuming you were victorious, You would then get to eat the baby.
Bonus.
Don't pick at it.
He looks like he may be wearing down.
I should probably get him over to the orphanage.
Hey, is this the baby buying rounds on my tab again? No, he's done.
It's from the knockout at the end of the bar.
All right, go ahead, buddy.
I got the baby.
Hey, put the pool cue down! Smack! I probably shouldn't.
Callie might get mad.
She broke up with you again Over that three hole thing, right? I guess, yeah.
So Why are we still talking? Hi, there.
I cannot believe you accepted that drink.
Wait a minute.
You can shape-shift? Don't change the subject.
You like brunettes, is that it? Brunette humans.
Look, clearly you have something on your mind.
Why don't you just say it? Well, I guess seeing you with the baby Stirred up some confusing emotions.
I was trying to be what I thought you wanted.
Did you know that being around that demon baby Made me lactate fire? I think I may be in love with you.
How can you be so cruel to me? You are just like my lacrosse coach.
You know what? Forget everything I just said.
Your baby just racked up an 800 dollars bar tab.
Home safe.
Well, little fella, I guess this is it.
We had some laughs, a couple of near-death experiences.
I hope I showed you a little fun out there.
"Good-bye" is the hardest word, so So you and callie What's the deal? You guys an item? Because her facebook status says single.
Dude, if you took her off my hands, I'd consider it a favor, so Knock yourself out With whatever that thing is growing out of your sternum.
She hasn't given herself to me yet.
Any clue as to why? Well, it it's just that You're sort of a dick.
Right.
And I think callie likes me because I'm not a dick so much.
You're fired! Wait.
I have a better idea.
Teach me to be nice.
You could start with this wall of hands.
I want one so bad.
Hey, thanks for taking the time to do this.
You threatened to remove my liver.
I know.
Still Okay, time for your first lesson.
Let's pretend we're on a date.
You're you, and I'll be callie.
Okay.
Oh, two delicious knishes.
Callie, would you like mustard on your knish? Oh, no, thanks.
I don't like mustard.
Are you [bleep.]
kidding me? Everybody likes mustard! Suck that, you pile of filth! Too much passion.
Yeah, that's exactly it, too much passion.
Okay, let's keep at it.
do what lovers do right from the start yeah say what lovers say to never part yeah I'm so glad I found you I can't think of anything but you Oh, God! Okay, plan "c.
" Do you know how to rollerblade? Mom, you know I never wanted kids.
But I saw this demon baby, and now all I can think about Is squeezing one out of my skull.
You're in heat, dear.
This is perfectly natural for a succubus your age.
Why didn't things work out with you and daddy? Well, it was a more confusing time back then.
Being drugged by a cult And forcibly impregnated by the devil Was sort of frowned upon.
But you know what, callie? I wouldn't change a thing.
Then why didn't you have any more kids after me? Were you afraid they'd be demons too? Oh, for heaven's sake.
Because honestly, mom, being half human, half demon Has caused me a lot of problems.
I made a deal with the devil.
I got you, and I'm very happy about that.
That said, adoption's not a bad idea.
You are so hideous.
Who's the spawn of satan? No, you are.
Fifth floor.
I told you.
Nailed it, friend.
Pretty cute, huh? Callie, I I would love to eat that tasty little baby.
Again, a real mood killer.
And this must be Mr.
Maggotbone.
There is no Mr.
Maggotbone.
Bone raper.
Twayne the bone raper.
Ah, of the connecticut bone rapers.
One and the same.
Such a proud name with a proud history.
You must be proud.
Anyway, you're not getting the kid.
Why? Because you'd be a single mother, dear.
That is totally sexist.
It's for your own safety, trust me.
Once these babies start to molt, you'll need two demon parents With proven upper-body strength.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Sickeningly Yes.
Who needs charm when you got 'em by the short hairs? Booyah.
What you doing? Making a plus-minus list for marrying Twayne.
Really? Minuses, I've got unending misery, repulsion, sexless boredom, the whole barbed penis thing.
- It goes on.
- Pluses? Get baby and Possibly bring about the end of days.
End of days.
That's a plus? Well, not for you.
More of a gray area for demons.
Anyway, I'm marrying Twayne.
What? That's insanity.
Are you jealous? No, I just thought he disgusted you.
Ugh, he does, With his barbell nipple rings.
Who does that? Probably not the best idea To marry someone who disgusts you.
I want that baby, Mark.
Besides, it's always been inevitable That I'd end up with Twayne.
It's what daddy wants.
The last part, read that back to me.
"in conclusion, both parties consent to marriage As required by state law for proper demon adoption.
" Sounds good.
What do you think? I'd like a paragraph confirming This be a loveless marriage.
As long as I get to watch you undress at home On my surveillance system.
Agreed.
I'll draft this and have it on your desk in half an hour.
Might as well cc yourself.
Of course.
Oh, good stuff.
Oh, yeah.
That is very strong.
You have great hands.
How much extra for a happy Mark! Good to see you there in my doorway.
How can I help you? Uh, just wondering if you had made any headway On tracking down that birth parent I was looking for.
Been at it nonstop since we last spoke.
Google says woodlawn cemetery.
Naw, thatthat's not it.
Woodlawn cemetery is what you said, like, three hours ago.
Come on, man! You're a wizard, for God's sake.
All right.
All right.
Do you have a tooth or a lock of hair That belonged to the baby? Oh, wait.
Wait.
Wait.
There's some baby spit-up on this shirt That I've been wearing for six straight days.
That's a stretch, but it just might work.
Okay, there's you and me, Looking handsome and very well groomed.
And that must be a house, His parents' house.
Hang on.
We need to get closer.
Wait, this is that same crap information You got off google maps.
Snazzier with the whole vision thing, though, isn't it? I don't have enough juice for the both of us.
Sorry, kid.
You're on your own.
Stupid google.
Stupid Stupid stock options never pan out.
Terrible search engine.
Might as well have yahoo.
Oh, well.
At least I tried, right? Hey, am I imagining things, or is this kid, like, Three times bigger than he was at the bar? He's ready for maury povich.
Good thing the adoption's going through.
You can't place these suckers once they transform.
Oh, speak of the devil.
What the hell is going on? Weird.
It looks like a vagina eating itself.
You don't often see that for free.
You've got to be kidding me! Either of you have anything to wanna say before we make this marriage legal? Let's get this over with? Stop the marriage.
Mark! You're here to fight Twayne to the death and whisk me away.
Let's do this! Not at all, actually.
Wait, I can still do some whisking.
Come with me.
There's something I want to show you.
What am I supposed to do about this? Yeah, we've got a problem, And I'm afraid you're not gonna like the solution.
A magic spell? Hmm, yes, that.
No denying the family resemblance.
Yo, who do I got to [.]
to get a fresh diaper around here? Yo, baby, wipe your own ass.
I don't understand.
Why were you trying to sell the baby If you're the real dad? I mean, sure, yeah, I tried to sell the baby, Only 'cause I was scared of being a single dad over here.
See? He loves me like a father over here.
Plus, I was afraid I was gonna eat it.
But not no more.
You're like a little me with a smaller [bleep.]
.
Yo, I don't know about that.
Yo, I'm having a lot of fun over here.
Yo, me too over here.
Yo, I love you, choking victim.
Yo, I love you too, daddy.
They are pretty cute together.
Yeah, I had to admit it.
Watching that dad having such a good time With his little boy Made me feel super bad about having, like, No interest whatsoever in having kids.
Seriously, hot pokers in my eyes sounded more appealing.
Oh, did you just conjure me? No, but come in.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
I guess my urge to spawn soldiers For satan's dark army made me lose perspective.
Hey, hey, you don't need to feel bad about it.
It was actually kind of nice to see your softer side.
I'll show you my softer side.
Maybe you could make it blink, like christmas lights? Oh, I can definitely do that.
yeah, baby show you right work that three hole Christ, there's bone dust everywhere.
Sorry.
It's got to come off.
It'll get infected.
So painful.
So painful.
Oh, God, I think he's still conscious.
Should I hit him with more ether? No, I can probably get it from here.
Just hold him down.
This is going to smart.
Twayne, just blink if it hurts, buddy.
Can't Blink.