Undateable (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

Why are you here? Okay, you're kind of killing my game.
What game? You just invite Nicki over every week to watch "Mad Men.
" Uh, I also make banana bread, okay? And this week, I put in some chocolate chips, so I think my game is pretty airtight.
Whatever, baby bird.
See you, Nicki.
I got to go meet someone.
Have fun with your friend.
Oh, it's not a friend.
It's a girl.
You don't have any girls that are friends? Oh, you're not joking.
Uh Single guys can't be friends with girls.
Discuss.
Hey, uh, save me some of that banana bread.
Oh, by the way, I know I said that sarcastically with a laugh at the end, but, really, it sounds delicious.
I'd like some later.
What a jerk.
- Are you really mad? - Well, I ju look.
I got my boobs in fourth grade, so I've had years of people talking to me like they're interested in me for me, when really they're just staring at my chest.
Go on.
Why can't anybody just be interested in me for me, you know? Oh, my God.
It's been you this whole time.
Y-you're the answer.
To what? You are my proof that Danny is wrong! I mean, seriously, I could probably be pretty wasted and just be all over you like, "Oh, my God, Justin, just, like, kiss me and, like, touch me, like, now.
" You know? And you wouldn't do anything because you're my friend, right? Yeah, no.
Yeah, no.
No, I'm I'm your friend.
All right.
Are you flexing? No.
All right, now.
Here we go.
Come on.
Okay.
We are going.
We are best friends No.
Never, ever do that again.
Oh, hello.
Thank you for ruining my date with Nicki last night.
It wasn't a date, and heads up, baby bird.
What is that? What are you doing? It's a piece of advice.
Sometimes I like to toss them out like gifts.
Hey, Brett.
Keep being British.
It works for you.
Cheerio, mate.
How's your father? I'm a cockney.
David Beckham.
Hey, Bursk, stop being so obnoxious around women.
This one's for them ugly bitches.
You need to read it again.
Your turn, bro.
All right, man.
You need to make a move like now, okay? Otherwise, you're gonna be stuck in the friend zone with Nicki forever.
Uh, Google news alert I'm not in the friend zone with Nicki, okay? Let's try Siri.
Ting.
Siri, am I in the friend zone with Nicki? "No, Justin.
Your eyes are ocean blue.
That's impossible.
L.
O.
L.
" Come on.
Let's be honest, mate.
This isn't your first trip to the friend zone, is it? Heather Flanders College? I was not in the friend zone with Heather Flanders, okay? She thought I was gay.
World's worst brag.
So, Danny, when you're in the friend zone, what do you do? You know, I have a move that works every single time.
Never fails I just throw her on the back of my bike, and I take her for a ride.
I give her my helmet, so she knows I can protect her.
Added bonus I also look awesome with the wind in my hair.
I speed up, you know? And she's all like, "slow down!" But I'm like, "sweetheart, I can't 'cause the adrenaline's pumpin' too hard.
" So, then I just, like, lean back into her, and she grips my hips.
Siri, did that work? Ding! Game over.
- You don't even have a move.
- You kidding me? I do the whole "cover her eyes from behind game.
" Then I pull away.
"Look at that.
What is that? "An eyelash? Oh, go ahead, girl.
Make a wish, 'cause mine's about to come true.
" All right, what if there's no eyelash? There's always an eyelash because I pluck one of my own before going in.
Whoo! That's what I'm talking about! - Right! Yes! - Suck it, Bears! - Yeah! - Yeah! Hyah! Whaaaaaat! Whoa! Ploop! Oh.
You're missing a great game, bro.
Ohh! God, immediately we give the ball back.
It's like everything associated with the word "Detroit" - has to suck.
- Don't do it.
Don't say it.
Shut up! Shut up! It's embarrassing.
You know, it's a joke of a team for a joke of a city.
I will not sit here while you talk about Detroit that way! She is a beautiful lady with an ample bosom, and I love her! I was born here, and I plan to die here.
Good day, ma'am.
What just happened? It's his code.
Trash talk Detroit, you're dead to him.
How was I supposed to know that? Every article of clothing he has has the word "Detroit" on it.
Shelly.
We're cool, right? My lucky bobblehead can't even look at you.
I'm proud of you for not spitting in her face.
Guess who.
Oh, ow, ow, ow! Ohh! It stings! What? Oh, it's lime juice.
God! Ow! Oh, God! This wine cloth! Here, here! Yeah.
There's lime juice on the towel! Aw, I'm sorry.
Uh, here, take this water.
That's actually lime juice.
Why are there so many lime products back here?! - I'm I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh.
But, hey, I-I think you got a I think you got an eyelash right there.
Wha No.
No, you no, you don't.
Where did that go? Look, Nicki, can I talk to you about something? Yeah.
Of course.
Okay, there's this this girl that I'm friends with, and I've been thinking about how I kind of want it to be more than that.
That's, um, really weird, 'cause, um, I've been thinking about somebody, too.
Oh, is that so? And I, um I think you might know him.
I bet I do.
Uh, would you, uh, describe this this this guy as, uh, handsome? Mm, I would describe him as hot.
Okay, wow.
Uh, would you say that he's a very good dancer? I would say he's actually a great dancer.
Oh, well, then he will be happy he spent all that time as a kid training.
Listen, I'm gonna pour us a couple of drinks.
Don't worry.
I know the owner.
And you're gonna tell me who your mystery person is, and I'm going to tell you about mine.
She likes Danny! Ha-ha! Classic! Oh.
What? Why? So, after she said his name, she asked me who my person was.
I panicked and just said the first name that came to my head, so if anybody asks, I'm really into a girl named "Justin.
" Danny, how are you gonna help him? I'll tell you how he's gonna blow off Nicki 'cause Justin called dibs.
Listen, I can't ignore Nicki.
That'll just make her want me more.
That's how girls work.
Right, Les? Yeah.
This is my worst nightmare.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You're lucky, okay? 'Cause I've got the answer right here.
Don't you dare toss that to me.
Just just take it! Ha! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Okay, fine! So what? She likes me.
Whatever! Okay? She just wants a little fun.
She wants to "add sex to cart.
" What are you talking about? He's saying that girl is in heat, bro.
Nobody is in heat! Human girls cannot be in heat.
Oh, I've been in heat.
Look, she doesn't want a relationship.
She just wants a hookup.
Girls don't fall in love with guys like Danny.
He's not mature.
He has no substance.
Okay, you know what, Les? I think they get it.
Look, you have no more time for cute "moves," okay? You got to go in there right now and tell her how you feel.
All right.
All right.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go take a shower, and then I'm gonna look in the mirror and put on my game face.
That sounded like I was gonna put on makeup.
I do not wear makeup.
Sure, if I have a zit, I might put on some of that tinted cover-up.
It looks nice.
Leslie, you know what I'm talking about.
I'm getting a little off-track.
The point is, I'm gonna crush it.
That's what I'm talking about.
I'm a man.
I can do this.
Should I bring some of that banana bread? I got some left over.
No bread.
Shell.
I brought you an "I love Detroit" ice-cream cake.
I'm so sorry.
I think I'm needed in the bathroom.
Well, I guess this is going in the trash.
- Oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Uhp, uhp, uhp, uhp! Come here.
My move.
Leslie, what you just did with Shelly there, that was, as my trainer said last week when I lost three-quarters of a pound, "a good start.
" You got to take him to a Lions game or or learn his favorite song, which is "Night moves" by Detroit legend Bob Seger.
You just got to make a bigger gesture.
I got a big gesture for Shelly.
It involves my ass pressed against his windshield.
One tiny mistake, and I'm dead to him? Well, guess what.
You don't accept my apology, you're dead to me.
Ugh.
Hey.
What's wrong there? Oh, nothing.
I-I tweaked my neck trying to toss out some imaginary advice.
You need some magic fingers? Uh, uh, I that's okay.
Thank you very much, though.
Okay.
Fine.
I was just trying to trying to help.
Oh, it's not you.
It's just, you know it's Oh, yeah! God! That feels so good.
Danny, I wish you would've let me know that you needed a massage 'cause I would never let a friend be in pain without helping.
You guys massage each other? Oh, yeah.
But when Danny works on my back, it feels more like a deep, rhythmic, stabbing motion, you know? And at the end of that story, there's never a happy ending.
You keep your damn hands off my woman.
Okay, you know what? That was a nonconsensual massage, all right? Oh, you loved it Her heavy breath on your neck, her oiled-up hands all over your naked back.
What do you think you just saw? Look, I've done everything in my power to try and help you get that girl, all right? And you know what? Frankly, I'm getting a little bit upset that you're getting pissed when I haven't done anything.
Oh, really?! You want to know what I think?! I think y You're right! I'm just I'm upset, okay? And I'm I'm sorry.
Apology accepted, man.
Hey, I forgot to ask you Would you, um, give me a ride home later? Um I can't 'cause I have my motorcycle.
So what? The first day you were here you drove me home on your bike.
Be honest did I not mention that? How long has he been like this? It's been about like 10 minutes.
I don't know.
What set him off? I'll tell you what set him off.
Our good friend Danny here did the motorcycle move With Nicki.
You're as bad as your hateful sister! Calm down, okay? I-I just I took Nicki on my motorcycle one time.
It was the day I met Justin, and I didn't know that we were gonna be friends yet.
Just tell me this When you took the girl of my dreams on your motorcycle, did your hair flow in the wind? My hair was great that day.
Did you do the lean-back? I did the lean-back.
Did she grip the hips? Oh, God, tell me she didn't grip the hi Justin, bloody hell! Don't do it, man! I said I want to know everything, and I want to know it now! She gripped the hips, man.
The puzzle pieces are falling into place.
You've been with her the whole time, haven't you? Hey, what the hell are you talking about? Oh, yeah.
How else would she know you're a good dancer? Oh, come on! Anyone's who's ever seen me move knows that I'm an amazing dancer! Well, you know what you're not amazing at? Being a friend.
I'm an amazing friend, okay? The second I realized that you were into Nicki, I backed off.
Justin, that is textbook bros before hos.
Okay.
You know what? He's right.
And I'll tell you one more thing I'm gonna do I'm gonna toss you an apology.
But I should warn you, my sister and I come from the same fiery Sicilian bloodline, okay? So if I toss you this apology, and you don't accept it, It's a-gonna be a problem, eh? You want me to toss you this apology or not? I do, Danny.
I really do.
Thank you.
- Justin! - Don't be stupid! It's done! You sick bastard! You killed my apology! I think it's still moving.
It needs a little De Niro, "Goodfellas.
" Hey, Brett.
You left this in my car.
You're not staying for a drink? No.
There's a negative energy in here that I can't quite put my finger on, but it's shaped exactly like Shelly.
You too are seriously still fighting? I have a code.
She ran afoul of it.
I'm gonna do something that I swore I'd never do.
I'm gonna crap on Detroit.
Brett, make me a stiff drink.
Straight vodka coming up.
Stiff drink I'd like.
Lemon drop coming up.
You love this city as much as I do.
But this is the only way.
Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Shelly, Detroit has seen better days.
You don't want to do this.
No, you brought it on yourself.
Guys, get in the game.
Brett.
Detroit's the most messed-up city I've ever seen.
And I've been to Los Angeles.
Not you! Not my sweet English rose! Shelly, Detroit's so bad it couldn't even keep a WNBA franchise.
You keep the shock out of this! Or I will straight up murder you! Detroit is a bankrupt ghost town where you got a better chance of getting shot than you do finding a streetlight that works.
Why? Why would you do this to me? Because you know we don't mean it.
Okay? And we love you, so you'll forgive us for it, okay? And you should do the same for Leslie 'cause she's one of us now.
Dude, what did you put in that lemon drop? I'm flying.
Ohh, you know what, Devon? I actually I don't care that you're beating me in "Gears of War," okay? You're 14, and I've had sex before, so Oh, uh, yeah, the door's open.
Hi.
Cool headset, man.
Bet that thing comes in handy when you call those 24-hour sex chats.
Keep your hands free.
Am I right? I don't know.
I've never called one of those.
Yeah, me neither.
Let's cut to the chase, okay? No matter what you say, I'm not gonna feel bad, - because I didn't - Because you didn't do anything.
Yeah, I know.
You're not doing anything.
That is the problem, mate.
Justin is crushed about this Nicki thing, but he's he's out there, and he's trying to help your sister and Shelly patch things up.
Now, I think that's what a good friend really is, don't you? Putting your own feelings aside and do whatever it takes to help your mates.
Is there any more ice-cream cake? Closing up.
You here to throw Nicki on the back of your motorcycle? No, Nicki just left.
I came by because your boy Brett came by the house and, uh, told me to come help you.
Oh, did he? You know what I realized? You can't be helped.
The only way for you to have sex with Nicki would be if I were to knock you out and then hang you on the ceiling with a rope-and-pulley system and physically raise and lower you onto her body.
Get out of my bar, Danny.
No, I'm not gonna get out of your bar because you need to hear this, all right? You're terrified to put yourself out there, and you know what? That makes you a coward.
- I am not a coward.
- Oh, really? Well, then what makes her so special? I'm not playing this game with you.
If you can't tell me what makes her so special, then how are you gonna tell her? Fine! I would tell her that she's an amazing waitress.
Wow.
Great opener, man.
Okay, what I mean is, when I walk in here and I see her, it makes me not regret opening this bar.
Like, if I lost everything, at least I found her.
That's a little better, baby bird, but, uh, you're still not opening up.
Come on.
I'm her.
Tell me.
Open your heart.
Get me out of these jeans.
Okay.
You know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her that if she wants to roll around in the hay with some party boy, then go ahead, but that's not me.
But if she wants to be with somebody that actually knows her and will listen to her and help her with all her problems, then I'm her guy.
Then I would tell her that she's the first person I want to see when I wake up in the morning and the last person I want to talk to when I go to bed, and then I would admit that I stole that from "When Harry met Sally " But most of all, I would tell her that the only reason that I never made a move in the beginning was because I didn't know if I could take it if she said no.
You can hear everything from your office.
What? You're welcome.
I am a God! Thank you for taking me to dinner.
Well, thank you for pressing your ass against my windshield.
And I must admit, I learned all the words to "Night moves.
" Come on, then.
Let's hear it.
Workin' on our night moves Oh.
That was sweet.
Oh.
Actually, it's a little higher than that.
Workin' on our night moves tryin' to lose those awkward teenage blues Workin' on our night moves And it was summertime Time, time, time, time-ooooh! Oh god, what have I done!