Undercover (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

For most people life is all about family, but as an undercover cop my life is all about a family of Armenian gangsters who might kill me at any moment.
Shh.
Night, Officer.
Night, Tommi.
He knows! Tommi knows I'm a cop! Ten years Tommi has been in there.
Ten years he's kept his mouth shut.
All for the boss and his family.
And now Urick has given us the honour of taking care of him.
The great Tommi Lylozian.
I remember when he punched that cow.
He punched a cow? Said it was mooing like a twat.
The important thing is, Tommi, he's loyal and he's trustworthy and he's One of the most prolific Armenian criminals we've arrested.
Firearms, heroin, cocaine, gold bullion, prostitution.
That's his charge sheet? No, that was the name of his dogs.
Really? No, of course that was his charge sheet.
And the good news is I want you to spend some time with Tommi while you wear this.
A necklace? For me? These days I'm more into the golden chunky stuff but I'll make an exception for you.
It's a wire.
This is the first time upstairs have signed off on some high-level audio surveillance.
I'm so excited for you.
Look, I'm enough of a wreck as it is without wearing that thing.
Please don't make me wear it, please.
This is a chance to crack the case wide open, get to the big fish further up the ladder.
Can fish use ladders? Plus, we think he knows what happened to Lara and Stepan's dad.
Get Tommi talking about where the bodies are buried and we've got them by the short and curlies.
But watch your back.
If Tommi smells cop it won't be pretty.
Forget it.
I'm not doing it.
It's too much.
There is absolutely no chance of me ever wearing a wire.
No.
You can do this, Chris.
No, no, your hands are cold.
Smoother chest than I imagined.
What? Nothing.
You'd miss the women, wouldn't you? What, there's no women in there? All the men all locked up in a big house together? Sounds a bit gay.
What do you like in a woman, Chris? I dunno, they have so many good qualities.
I think maybe you like a woman who is fiery.
Passionate.
A little naughty, perhaps.
Like a certain lady in our family.
Nana.
I was thinking more of Lara.
Me fancy Lara? All that glossy hair and flawless skin? Those dark eyes, strong and mysterious with a hint of vulnerability? No, thank you.
Sorry, doesn't do it for me at all.
I like the underwear of a good woman.
Ten denier stockings.
Balconette bra.
French knickers.
So sexy.
Good old Nana.
Well, well, look who it is.
Buckle up, boys, Tommi is back.
Ha ha ha! Fuck it, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! Right, who's ready to crack some skulls? Who takes a gun out of prison? Oh my God, Tommi is out! Oh my God, Tommi is out.
Penik and Tovin saw a lot of action back in the day, eh? They were the talk of the town.
Penik and Tovin sound like a right couple of characters.
Tell me more.
Characters? Penik and Tovin were Tommi's nicknames for his balls.
Remember, Tommi? Penik's on the left, hey! Tovin's on the right, hey! Keep a close eye on Tommi, Chris.
He can be a bit of a Psychopath? Live wire.
He's your responsibility.
It's a great honour for our family to take care of him.
Don't let me down, Chris.
So, what do you fancy doing then, Tommi? You are gonna take me to see a guy who goes by the name of Badrig the Butcher.
Oh God.
Is that some sort of hitman? No, he's an actual butcher.
Oh, OK.
Well, as long as you don't get in any trouble.
How much trouble could I get into in an actual butcher's shop? Well, you could punch a cow for mooing like a twat.
I bet you could tell me some stories, about you and Ara in the old days.
Bloody right I could.
Well, don't let me stop you.
Seeing as you like asking so many questions, I've got one for you, smartmouth.
Yep.
Why don't you fuck right off? Hello, stranger! Tommi.
Badrig.
Dear, dear Badrig.
I can tell by the look on your face that you're a little bit surprised to see your old mate Tommi, ain't ya? Good to see you, Tommi.
Er Looking great! Welcome home.
What can I get for you? On the house, anything you like.
Oh, that's very generous of you, Badrig.
I think I'll have a grand in cash.
What? I pay you a visit and you give me what I want otherwise Whoops! Otherwise I get very careless and Tommi can get very, very careless nowadays.
If you've got a dustpan and brush, I can clean that up.
Oh, but Tommi, please, I pay protection money to Arno.
Do you think I give a shit about that? I've got some lovely lamb chops.
Oh, lovely, you give me some lamb chops and I chop your fucking fingers off! Door, blinds! Please, no! Argh! Don't you ever Argh! Ever Argh! Insult me again! Argh! Now then, I think I'll have one of those.
And you can fuck off an' all.
Right, Tommi's got plans for the day so you two piss off.
Tommi, er Leavemealone! Otherwise I might have to use this.
Innit? Oh shit, shit, shit.
We're supposed to be looking after him.
Brilliant! Ara! Hi, how are you? The thing is, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I told you that we'd temporarily misplaced Tommi.
No, I definitely wouldn't fancy having my nose bitten off but thanks for the offer.
Right, I've gotta go, cheers.
We've got to track him down.
My face tastes lovely.
It's all steak-y.
Tommi's absolutely fine.
He's with Stepan.
They were desperate to do somepilates.
Let's deal with these baboons.
Arno.
Ara.
Christophe.
Ara.
Chris.
Arno.
Chris.
Christophe.
Right, who's for a hot drink, guys? Coffee? Tea? How about a nice herbal tea? How about a nice peppermint and nettle? You're a herbal tea guy too? Brilliant.
I've got quite a selection.
Course I'm not a herbal tea guy, you wanker.
Double espresso, four sugars.
Forget the drinks.
We need to talk business.
Tommi is way out of line.
He beat one of my associates with a leg of lamb.
Need I remind you, Tommi is one of Urick's men.
He can do as he wishes.
Badrig is under my protection.
It's going to make me a laughing stock.
You boys run along and play in the garden.
I need to discuss business with my brother.
Stay right there, Chris.
We need this, the case needs this.
Man the hell up.
Off you go.
OK.
Was Tommi useful to us in the past? Yes he was.
But is he a loose cannon now? Yes, he is.
Doing that thing, asking yourself questions, it's very annoying.
Am I annoying? No, I'm not.
Need I remind you that our business would be splitting things between three brothers, not two, if Tommi hadn't got rid of Rafi for us? We must take care of him.
I completely agree.
So should we make Tommi disappear? Yes, we should.
What? Tommi's untouchable, he's Urick's man and I for one will not cross Urick.
Business has been good for years.
Tommi could spoil that.
That man's secrets are our secrets.
He's family.
If he continues this behaviour, will I be forced to take matters into my own hands? Yes, I will.
I strongly advise you not to.
Tread lightly, Arno.
Am I about to walk out? Yes, I am.
Uncle Arno? Is my brother an imbecile who needs to be sorted? Yes, he is.
Lara, can't talk.
I'm in the middle of a job.
About to blowtorch the face off a twat who owes me a grand.
Hello, Chris.
Lara.
Look, I was here all along.
I don't have time for this, Chris.
Where's Tommi? Not you as well.
He's with Stepan at pilates.
You've lost him, haven't you? Yes, yes, I have.
He knows something about what happened to my dad, Chris, I'm sure of it.
Has he mentioned him? Rafi Sarkissian? No, he's mainly concentrated on intimidating me so far and the odd bit of pig punching.
I want you to find out everything he knows about my dad.
It's important, it's very, very important.
I'll leave you to have fun with your blowtorch.
Do you meanmy penis? What? Sorry, it just sounds like something you'd say.
Arno's got it in for Tommi.
I will not let him jeopardise my relationship with Urick.
I need you to watch over Tommi like a hawk.
No problem.
I'm the hawk, seeing everything with knowledge of all.
An omnipotent presence, the hawk.
Just keep an eye on him, Chris.
Will do.
If any harm comes to Tommi What do you want? I've got to find Tommi quickly.
We've had word on his location.
He's at the Rub and Tub massage parlour on Brook Street.
Oh, thank God.
I think Arno's trying to kill him.
Yeah, before we deal with that, I just wanna clarify two things.
You agreed with Ara when he said Lara was passionate and naughty.
So what if I did? Well, it's just not very appropriate, is it? Oh, I get it! Just because passionate and naughty aren't exactly your middle names.
Look, can we just go back to Tommi? Massage parlour.
Sounds very passionate and naughty.
Leave it, Chris.
Get round there and I hope for your sake this whole thing has a happy ending.
OK, poor choice of words.
Just get round there.
MUSIC: "Club Tropicana" by Wham! Here he is.
How did you find me, sweetheart? Just Chris is fine, if that's OK? (LAUGHS) Come on, in you get.
What? There's plenty of room.
Kit off, in you get.
At least take me to dinner first.
(LAUGHS) Don't fight it, son.
Destiny or fate will get you in the tub in the end.
I don't really believe in destiny.
Did you hear that? He don't believe in you, Destiny.
Looks like it's gonna have to be you, Fate.
Come on.
Jacket off.
That's it, relax.
Now the shirt.
Don't be shy.
NO! Hey, what's the matter with you? Get that fucking shirt off now.
What's underneath that shirt? Nothing! Well, a couple of nipples, belly button, few hairs.
Just the usual.
Now you listen to me.
I'm gonna count to ten and if you're not in this jacuzzi then so help me God, your arsehole's gonna eat this glass.
One, two, three Where the hell have you been? I was starting to think I'd lost one of my regulars.
Sorry? Oh yeah! Sorry.
How are you, Zodiac? Shut your mouth.
You know the drill.
You, me, private room, set of jump leads.
One more word and I won't stamp on your balls this week.
Ho ho! Ho ho! Hey! Yeah, go on, son.
Get off, get your balls stamped on.
(LAUGHS) But remember, I'll be watching you.
Generally, not the balls thing.
Tommi would have killed me if he'd found it, you know.
Killed me.
But he didn't, did he? Don't say I never do anything for you.
The wire thing's not working.
I'm not wearing it any more.
You're right, you shouldn't wear the wire.
You should wear something else.
What is it this time? A giant ghetto blaster to hide in my under-crackers? You should wear one of these.
Has the appearance of a regular wrist watch but can record hours of audio so I'll still be listening.
Looks normal on the outside but inside it's pretty special.
A bit like me.
It's actually much more complex than it looks.
Another similarity to me.
Big round face but it does the job.
Don't say a word.
So what do I have to do? Just wear it, that's it.
With the case, you really need to start getting results.
It's not that easy to get people talking.
Evidently.
Look, Arno's already after Tommi.
We haven't got much time.
Just get it done, Chris.
And what if I don't? You'll get out the jump leads and stamp on my balls? Seriously, though, don't ever do that, that would really hurt.
Arno, my brother, you're breaking my heart.
You leave me with no choice.
Problems, problems.
Always problems.
Lying snake! The deceitful bastard! All I'm saying is he thinks you might be bad for business and he said he wanted to make you disappear.
Who does he think he is? David Copperfield? I'll make him disappear! Calm, calm.
I'm sure this is all a misunderstanding.
Oh yeah.
I'm gonna chop off his fingers, all of them, and shove them up his arse one by one! And then I'm gonna start doing some really weird shit to him! Sorry, I forgot that I wasn't in prison.
Forget the carpet.
If you insist on paying Arno a visit, take Chris and Stepan with you.
Yeah, about that Chris, something not right about him.
Chris is a good man, just sometimes he's a bitmodern.
Ooh, I can't wait to get hold of that little prick Arno! I'll er I'll swallow it.
Just double check, Chris.
Baseball bat and cheese grater.
Excellent.
Stepan? Crowbar and nan-chuckles.
How many times? Nunchuks! So you're ergonna kill Arno? It's kill or be killed.
Survival of the fittest.
Dog eats dog.
I once saw a dog eating another dog, on holiday in Tenerife.
So that's it then, you're definitely gonna do it? Yes! Now why do you keep asking so many questions? Why? I'm just a big fan of questions.
Stepan, tell us more about these dogs in Tenerife.
Oh man, it was disgusting.
I was sick to my stomach.
I could hardly even hold the phone to take photos.
Oh, I can't wait to get my hands around Arno's fat, lying neck.
Can necks tell lies? Right, you all set? All units go.
Let's go.
Oh, what you gonna do? Well, we can't take Arno now, can we? The place is crawling with officers, filth, scum, pigs.
Pork soldiers, I call them.
Why? Why do you rob me of my one pleasure in life? Why, God? Why? Now that's a good question but there is a place we could go that'd cheer you up.
A palace of forbidden pleasure and abandon.
Nando's.
The massage parlour.
Go where you want, I'm going Nando's.
You You take us to the massage parlour.
You're paying.
Of course.
The wanks are on me.
You might wanna rephrase that, Chris.
Right, where's the girls then? I gave them an hour off.
Lara! Fancy seeing you here.
I've got a few questions for you.
I bet you have, darling.
You remember my dad, don't you, Tommi? Rafi? A little bird told me that you were with him the night he died.
Little birds don't always tell the truth and they shit everywhere.
Shut your mouth and listen to me carefully.
I want answers, Tommi.
Oh.
Jesus, Lara! The last I've met somebody in this family who's got a dick.
I'm not gonna ask you again, Tommi.
What happened to my dad? I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna do, OK? You're gonna put that gun away and you're gonna let Tommi have his massage and then me and you, we're gonna meet up tomorrow night for a drink and I'll tell you the whole story.
But I've got a gun.
And I've got the information that you want.
So why don't you do what I say and run along.
Otherwise I might stop being quite so tickled by you.
(SHOUTS) And I might start getting very angry! Do you understand me, sweetheart? He means it, Lara.
He punched a cow once.
Tomorrow night? Seven o'clock, the bar on the corner of Stanford Street.
That is how you deal with feisty women.
(LAUGHS) Hey, Tommi, how about, for a laugh, you tell me what happened to Rafi and then I can tell Lara, save you going for that drink? You don't get it, do you? I ain't gonna tell her shit.
Oh, Tommi, you, you old devil, you! Right, come on, in you get, the girls will be here in a minute.
Me? No, I don't I'll leave you to it.
In.
Now.
Come on, son.
Plenty of room.
Where you going? Oh! That's a nice watch.
Thanks.
No, no, no, no, no, nice watch means give Tommi the watch.
No, nice watch just means nice watch, doesn't it? Now that is a very nice watch.
Is it waterproof? Shit! So what we gonna do now, Tommi? Wow, Mercedes! Ho ho! Er We? No, no, no, there's no we, son.
I'm staying here for a little bit more despicable me time.
I can hang around till you'redone.
No, no, two's company and three is asking to have his teeth knocked out and worn as a bracelet if he don't get on his bike! OK.
Warm it up, love.
Night, Officer.
Night, Tommi.
He knows! Tommi knows I'm a cop! What? He said, "Night, Officer.
" He knows! He bloody knows! I'm a dead man walking.
You've gotta get me out right now.
Get me to a safe house.
Do you honestly think if he knew he'd do anything but kill you on the spot? He's just messing with your head.
Are you actually refusing to help me? Not so much refusing to help, more refusing to indulge your paranoia.
Now, listen, I know people like Tommi.
He's all instinct.
If he was gonna do something, he'd have done it.
You only care about the case, don't you? I'm going to be killed.
Screw you, Zoe! (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I have some information about Tommi Lylozian.
Who is this? And what's the matter with your voice? It doesn't matter.
Tommi is in the massage parlour on Brook Street.
You have an hour before he gets to Ara's.
Leave it with me.
Tommi's just had his last rub and tug.
(NORMAL VOICE) OK, bye.
(HIGH PITCHED) Shit, I mean, OK, bye.
He's at the massage parlour.
Do it.
"Hi, this is Zoe, if it's urgent you can get me on the other number.
999.
" Zoe, it's me.
I think I've done something terrible, something really, really terrible.
Call me.
Oh God, oh God, I've killed a man.
Tommi is dead.
You let me down, Chris.
You were supposed to be looking after him.
(RETCHES) What happened? We don't know but when we find who is responsible They're gonna get this.
GLASS SMASHES You'll smash one of his vases? The vase is a metaphor.
Tommi had a lot of enemies, though, didn't he? People he'd wronged, cows he'd punched.
Could've been anyone.
Whoever it is, they're gonna get this No, please, please, don't smash any more of my metaphors.
Enough.
Time we weren't here.
What the hell happened? We had surveillance on Tommi last night.
He went to Ara's restaurant and never left.
Tommi's dead.
What? How? I think it was Ara.
What makes you say that? This morning when I saw him he was wearing the surveillance watch.
And what was that voicemail you left me last night all about? What did you do that was so terrible? Oh, that! I erm I put a red sock in with a whites wash.
Now all my pants are pink.
Such a terrible, terrible thing.
Right.
So we've got nothing, nothing at all, again.
Still don't get it, though.
Why the hell would Ara kill Tommi? Mm? Ara, you're not gonna believe Argh! No, man, what the fuck? You fucking sick degenerate fucking freak.
You fucking weird Argh! Argh! 21st century and still such bigotry.
Breaks my heart.
Armed police! Drop the weapon! You got nothing on me! What's going on? Stepan's been arrested.
There are plenty of people in this force, high up people, with big reservations about you.
Come on, you're coming with me.
Where to? The police station.
All we're doing is giving justice a helping hand.
You set him up.
Chris! Mr Sarkissian, it's not the time.
Warship? I fire my lawyer.
What? You wouldn't.
He's Stepan!