United States of Al (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - Daddy! - There's my girl! Hey, Grampy.
Hey, Hazelnut! - Hello, Vanessa.
- Hey, Al.
Hey, everybody.
Hazel, there's someone really special I want you to meet.
You remember we talked about Uncle Al? He was my interpreter in Afghanistan.
And now he's bunking with me in the garage.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hazel, can you say "tsanga yee"? That is how we greet people in my country.
Tsanga yee.
There.
Now you speak more Pashto than your father.
Wow.
Look at you.
You are such a big girl.
I can still remember the day you were born.
You were this little.
Mom says you saved Dad's life.
That is true.
Many times.
He was like a drunken baby walking around a sharp coffee table.
Did you know that your Uncle Al is also your godfather? Which some might say is even more important than an actual father.
Mm, no one says that.
Don't be jealous.
You're better than that.
Here.
Hazel, I brought you a special present.
My mother made you this dress with her own hands.
Hmm.
It must have shrunk while I waited three years for the U.
S.
government to stamp my paperwork.
What do you say, Hazel? I think I can make it work.
Hazel, as soon as I get my driver's license, I am going to take you shopping and we are going to buy you many dresses that are the same size as you.
Can you get me a dirt bike? - Yes.
- No.
No.
But if ever you have a problem and you cannot go to your mom or dad, you can come to me.
As your godfather, I will protect you and care for you for the rest of my life.
Wow, will you be my godfather, too? Hey, hey, hey.
Get your own.
- Okay, next question.
- Mm-hmm.
For better visibility while driving in rain, fog or snow, you should keep your blank on.
Pants.
The answer is low beams.
Not as funny.
Huh? Huh? Short? Pepper shaker.
Huh? What'd she say? I am her favorite son.
Hey, what about me? Hello, Riley Jaan.
Salaam, Khala Jaan.
What'd she say about me? You look fatter than she remembers.
- Ooh, this is a good one.
- Mm.
Which is the most significant factor in nighttime crashes? A, small-town speed traps, B, fatigue, C It is B fatigue.
In America, fatigue contributes to 20% of nighttime crashes.
That is not in the book.
I looked that up in case there is extra credit.
There isn't.
Hmm.
Then it will make an interesting fact to fill gaps in conversation.
Where are my keys? Seriously? You know, Riley, I have noticed that you drive too close to cars.
No, I don't.
You must always be three Mississippis away.
Do you even know what Mississippi is? A state and a river and a rule for safe driving that you never follow.
Oh, please.
I'm a great driver.
Been doing it since I could reach the pedals.
Okay.
Well, did you know, in Ohio, you are legally required to honk when you pass another car? - That's not true.
- That's stupid.
Look on the bottom of page 30.
No, this is just one of his crazy things, like how he thinks when you step on a shard of glass, it'll get in your heart and you'll die.
That is not crazy.
It is very dangerous.
Son of a bitch, you are supposed to honk.
He's right.
Get used to it.
Hey.
Look at your own test.
No, no, it was her.
And the child is right.
Screw you.
I'm not a child.
No talking.
Thank you.
You here to get your license? I have an out-of-state one, so - yeah.
- Mm.
Yeah, I've been out of state myself recently.
Afghanistan.
Oh.
Marines.
Fighting for freedom.
Thank you for your service.
Yeah.
Let's talk about that.
Riley, Riley, Riley.
I passed.
100%.
That's great, buddy.
Eh, technically, they said I got one wrong, but I said they got one wrong.
Hey, could you give me a minute here, Al? Sure.
He is married, by the way.
We're separated.
English is not his first language.
Are you Awa Awal This name? Yes.
That is me.
Thank you.
I'm Paula.
I'll be your examiner today.
- Ah.
- Are you ready? Absolutely, Paula.
Is everything okay? Yes.
Of course.
Do you have your permit? Yes, of course.
Well, can I have it? Oh, yes.
Sorry.
Oh.
Ah.
I was looking for this.
Mm.
Okay.
Why don't you put it in drive and slowly pull out.
Take off the parking brake.
Hello? Mr.
Awa-wa? Are we doing this? Oh, yes.
Uh, I-I am so sorry.
Um Did you know that fatigue contributes to 20% of nighttime crashes? I did.
Me too.
Come on, man.
Just tell me what happened.
It is not important.
I-I will pay for the damage.
Or I will fix it myself.
I have a hammer in my pocket.
I'm not worried about my truck.
I want to know what happened back there.
Nothing.
I-I do not know.
Maybe I'm just a bad driver.
What are you talking about? Dude, I've seen you drive through a mortar attack.
And even under fire, you used your turn signals.
She was wearing shorts.
- Who? - The woman.
The test woman.
Okay.
So? I-I could not focus.
I could not concentrate.
I-I did not know what to do.
Well, what do you normally do when you see a woman's legs? I have never seen a woman's legs.
- Never? No.
- No.
Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
What about your sister? How dare you.
You've seen legs in, like, movies and stuff.
Yes, but these were real.
The woman was so close, I could touch her.
Oh, please tell me you didn't touch her.
Hey.
Don't feel bad, Al.
It took me, like, five times to pass my driving test.
Once, I was high.
Once, I flunked on purpose to piss off my dad.
And the rest were for just being a lousy driver.
The system works.
Can we not talk about this right now? Mm.
Mm.
So, what happened? I think the instructor did not like me.
That's impossible.
I'm gonna call the BMV and give 'em a piece of my mind.
- Please do not do that, Mr.
Art.
- Why not? The woman that gave you the test clearly had an ax to grind.
She had no ax.
She was wearing shorts.
Say again? She was wearing shorts.
- So? - So I almost had a heart attack.
Well, didn't you once charge a bunch of Taliban while your whole squad was retreating? The Taliban were wearing pants.
And Marines don't retreat.
We advance in a different direction.
- Okay, I'm trying really hard to understand here.
- Mm.
You failed your test because the woman had legs? - And I could see them.
- But you're wearing shorts.
- But it's different.
- How? Um, I do not know.
It just is.
- Because you're a man? - Yes, thank you.
Because I'm a man.
That's completely hypocritical.
No, it is not.
My legs do not inspire lust.
You don't know that.
Do they? No.
Yeah, no.
I'm sorry, buddy.
It's open.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What you drawing? You don't care.
You just need something.
Okay, I need a favor.
See? Would you mind toning down the stuff you wear around the house? What do you mean by "toning down"? Oh, just, like, different clothes.
Or more of them.
Yeah, actually, I would.
Come on.
It's for Al.
Did he put you up to this? No, this is all on me.
Ah, that's explains why it's stupid.
Come on, just for a little while? I want him to be comfortable.
Don't you care if I'm comfortable? Please don't make this a big deal.
Too late.
You made it one.
I'm just asking you to wear pants and long sleeves around the house.
Hey, if that's the deal, I'm asking you to wear a tutu and clown shoes.
Okay, let's just start over.
Good idea.
Get out of my room.
- I just - No.
Ah Still thinking about those legs? They were so smooth and they smelled like coconuts.
Wait till you see boobs.
Your head's gonna fall off your shoulders.
Hey, uh, just so you know, I had a little talk with Lizzie and told her that some of her clothes might make you uncomfortable.
- Oh, I wish you had not done that.
- Relax.
She hasn't done anything I've asked her to do since she was a little girl, and I told her "jalapeño" was Spanish for candy.
Riley, I do not want your sister to think I believe women should cover their legs.
You don't? No! I want to see their legs.
What fool would not like to see a woman's legs? I can think of one fool who put a giant dent in the back of my truck.
Riley, you spent all that time - training for battle.
- Uh-huh.
But the first time someone shot at you, were you ready? No.
And it was different than a movie.
Okay, I see what you mean.
You just got to get used to it.
Yes.
Ooh, we might want to get on that fast.
- Summer's coming.
- What do you mean? Google "Daisy Dukes".
They go shorter?! Hello, Mr.
Art.
Hey! How you doing? I have been better.
Well, listen, don't feel bad.
You know, this one time I was, um, walking down the street, saw this attractive woman.
Real nice, you know.
Eh.
Don't want to say anything to upset you, but Let's just say she had big cans.
So I'm staring at her, and I don't notice there's an open cellar door in the sidewalk.
I tumble in, land on a pallet of peaches.
I'm too embarrassed to come out, so I just lie there a while, you know eating peaches.
Finally, I figure the coast is clear.
So I crawl out, and that's when I realize both my legs are broken.
Al, the point is don't feel bad.
And don't eat more than three or four peaches at a time.
You'll pay for it later.
I am sorry for bringing problems into your home.
I cannot help but feel that I am a bad guest.
Oh, whoa, whoa, let's get something straight here, okay? You are not a guest.
You're family.
Thank you.
I am afraid that I have offended Lizzie.
So what? Well, I am afraid that Riley offended Lizzie on my behalf.
That I would put ten bucks on.
I think I better go straighten things out.
All right, suit yourself.
I think I have some peach schnapps.
Come in.
Uh, could you please come out? What? I would like to talk to you.
Okay.
Come in.
No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
Wh-Where I grew up, being in a single woman's bedroom would be disrespectful to her father.
Not to worry, my father doesn't respect me.
It's just a room.
Okay.
Hmm.
Very nice.
Thank you.
What are you drawing? Ah, nothing.
Lizzie at dinner you said I was a hypocrite.
You were right.
For me, wearing shorts is no big deal, but seeing a woman wearing them is.
And that is a double standard.
It sure is.
And perhaps I was being unfair to myself.
Maybe my legs can inspire lust.
Maybe.
But I want you to understand, I would never tell you how to dress.
That is what the Taliban does, and I spent years fighting them.
Of course you did.
How could I forget that? Well, do not blame yourself, even I lose track of all the great things I've done.
I'm sorry I judged you at dinner.
That was not fair.
Thank you.
Do you want to know something else about me? Always.
Until I walked into this room, I had never seen a woman lying on a bed before.
Really? Really.
That is so hard for me to wrap my head around.
So now you know how I feel.
I guess so.
- Can I give you a hug? - Definitely not.
Good night.
Look who's back.
Mr.
Awa Awal Hello, Paula.
- Are you ready? - Yes.
I like your shorts.
I am wearing shorts also.
Yep.
All right, why don't you put it in drive.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's the "D" one.
And then pull out.
Forward.
That direction.
Yes, thank you.
Ah.
- Excellent.
- Mm.
We're almost done.
Just take a left at this intersection.
Mm-hmm.
Paula, what is the coolest car you have been in? A '63 Corvette Stingray.
Mint condition.
I'm a Toyota Corolla man myself.
1997, any condition.
Want your car washed? No, thanks.
Okay.
If I run this red light, will I fail my test? Absolutely.
Okay, okay It is a very long light.