Up Pompeii (1970) s01e03 Episode Script

Oh, all right, all right, all right.
I'm going to empty it.
All right.
Well, you can't do everything at once, can you? For goodness' sake.
It isn't my fault it's always full.
Ooh, good evening.
I'm sorry.
You here already? Oh, you weren't supposed to be.
Would you switch off for a moment? No? Well, oh, it doesn't matter now.
This is very embarrassing, isn't it? Well, you've seen it now, so I don't suppose it makes any difference.
Only the thing is, I try to do these chores, you know, when nobody else is about, because I may be only a slave, but I have my pride, naturally, you know.
And after all Do you know? You won't believe this.
I have to empty this 10, 15, 20 times a day.
Well, yes.
Believe me, it's all go, go, go in there.
Ah, well, there it is.
I think it's all this grape-bashing they do, you see.
Still, I suppose it's better than spitting the pips all over the floor.
I'll just empty these out now.
I shan't be a second.
There we are.
Oh, missed a few pips.
Now, greetings, citizens.
Our story this week takes place Right in the middle of me prologue.
Oh, that could've been nasty.
I could've been ruined.
Our story this week concerns those legendary twins, Romulus and Remus, who lost their parents shortly after birth.
Very careless of them, of course.
But of course, in those days in Rome, it was very easy to lose anything, as their mother found out well one day.
Thank you.
Don't doze off.
One day One day, shortly after they came to puberty, which is a small town north of Rome, the place where they fought the Pubic Wars.
Yes, they had a strange visitation.
They were standing outside the pubic library.
Look, if you don't like corn, I should switch off.
Now, and all of a sudden they heard Woe, woe and thrice woe! (IMITATING SENNA) No, no and thrice no! Oh, she's here again.
I, Senna the soothsayer, am the bearer of evil tidings.
Yes, that's about all she does bare these days.
In public.
I mean, I don't think she's got much left to show, poor old soul.
(SCREAMING) I wish she wouldn't keep doing that.
My stomach goes over.
-Look! -Oh, hello.
She's got her ball out now.
Oh, there'll be no holding her now.
-Look into the future.
-Yes.
-A picture is forming.
-Yes? -I can't quite make it out.
It's fuzzy.
-Well, perhaps you'll want a new tube, dear.
-Wait, it's clearing.
The clouds are blowing away.
-Yes.
Well, thank you for the weather forecast.
Now, the prologue I see a man and a woman entwined.
Look, I am Entwined? Where? Oh, yes.
Oh, they are entwined, aren't they? Yes.
This is like one of those machines.
"What the Soothsayer Saw.
" -Well! -They're at each other's throats.
Yes, well, they won't find them where they're looking, I must say.
Oh, they are Come on, buck up, buck up.
We can't wait all night.
Oh, yes, they are entwined, aren't they? It's difficult to tell who ownest what and whither goest it.
I must say.
Naughty.
You should see what's going on here.
No, perhaps you shouldn't, no.
Avert your eyes.
No, do some knitting or something.
-Now another man comes into the picture.
-It's going to be an orgy.
-He's getting something out! -What? Oh, yes! So he is.
Ooh! -It's a -No, wait a minute.
It's worth another "ooh", that.
And a big "ooh" as well.
Ooh! -It's a dagger.
-Oh, is it? Oh, yes.
It's a dagger.
It's only a dagger.
Yes, it must be.
It's encrusted with precious jewels.
It must be.
(SCREAMING) I wish you wouldn't keep doing that.
My stomach goes over.
-I see death, death, death! -Death? Where, where, where? -Too late.
The picture's fading.
It's gone.
-Oh.
Oh, well, never mind, dear.
Look, you go home and try another channel.
Off you go.
Nice to have met you.
Thank you so much.
Ah, poor old soul.
She's wasting her time with that, I'll tell you.
It's a dead loss.
Hear now the wise words of Plautus.
It is a well known fact, that the Romans saw no future in crystal balls.
Oh, trust him to stick his oar in, big head.
Well, now, the prologue.
As I was saying, Romulus and Remus were standing there.
All of a sudden, Pegasus, this flying horse, flew by, and not only was it unusual for flying, but it talked.
And it said, "Oh, oh.
" So they said, "Who are you?" He said, "I am Pegasus.
" So they said, "What do you want?" Well, he said, this horse, this horse said, "I have a beautiful golden bridle, some spurs and some reins, but I haven't got a bit.
" Now My life, that's what it said.
The horse.
It said, "I want a bit.
I want a bit.
" Well, don't stand around down there.
Come on up.
She never misses an opportunity, that woman.
-Mistress! -Oh, it's only you, Lurcio, my slave.
What are you shouting for in that ridiculous manner? Oh, well, I was just doing the prologue, mistress.
Well, that'll have to wait.
I'm in a hurry.
Come up and help me get dressed.
Oh, help her get dressed.
Isn't it disgusting? I mean, a big girl like her.
Help her get dressed.
Well, she's got no modesty, you know.
As a matter fact, round here they call her "the eclipse", because everybody's seen it one time or the other.
And not through dark glasses, either.
Excuse me.
Ah, mistress.
Lurcio, I was just wondering whether my body needed oiling.
Oh, well, I don't think so, mistress.
It's hardly still long enough to get rusty.
All the same, do it for me, please.
Yes, mistress.
Where? -On my back.
-Oh, the back.
Yes.
Oh, yes, that's nice.
Ooh, yes, Lurcio, lower.
-Lower? -Lower.
Oh, yes.
Lurcio, I have a problem.
Much more of this, I shall have one as well.
I have just heard from an old, but spurned admirer, a Senator Lecherous of Thrace.
Oh, I know, the Thrace that launched 1,000 hips.
-That's not funny, Lurcio.
-I know it wasn't.
Do you know, I told the producer in rehearsal.
I said, "That won't get a laugh.
" You see, it didn't, did it? Not a titter.
He won't be told.
He's a big head.
He won't be told.
Lecherous has informed me he intends to arrive here today, and if I do not pander to his desires, he will (STAMMERING) "Pander to his desires"? Pander to his desires, he will slay both me and my husband and then do away with himself.
Oh.
Ah! You see? That's what that witch was talking about.
Death in triplicate.
'Cause that witch wasn't here just 'cause she's a pretty face, you know.
No, she's part of the plot, you see.
Get the gist.
Mistress, the solution is simple.
Now, why don't you give this Lecherous a whimsy of pander, and Robertus is your uncle.
But I detest Lecherous and I do not want to pander.
-Oh.
Oh.
-No, I'm afraid, Lurcio, it's all up to you.
-Me? -Mmm-hmm.
Oh, I wouldn't know how to begin to pander to him, mistress.
Well, you don't understand.
I want you to get rid of him.
-"Get rid of him"? -Get rid of him.
Yes, it won't be difficult.
I have a poisonous asp.
I wouldn't say that.
Would you? Yes, here it is.
It's from an old admirer from Egypt.
-Yes, look.
-Ugh! All you have to do is put that in a room with him alone.
It will knock him unconscious and then you can get rid of him.
"Get rid of him.
" Ooh.
These Roman women will stop at nothing.
She's ruthless.
Ruthless.
Entirely without ruth.
Yes.
Especially with an asp, in her grasp, to clasp.
Meanwhile, Lurcio, I shall go out for the day and amuse myself, providing I can always find someone to amuse myself with.
Help me on with my undertunic, Lurcio.
Mistress, mistress, please.
Behind the screen, if you will.
-Please.
-Very well, then.
Yes, that's better.
Oh, honestly, the things a slave has to do.
Who would want my job? Get back, dirty beasts! Get back.
Control yourselves.
What do you think this is? The Wednesday Play? This is my father's house.
Come.
Rest here awhile, sweet, gentle maiden.
Nay, nay, do not be afraid, Daili.
-I, Nausius, mean you no harm.
-Who's afraid? What are you, some kind of nut or something? Nay, nay, I'm your devoted, adoring slave.
And I kneel humbly at your beautiful feet.
Oh, mind the corn! Well, there we are.
Well, I've fulfilled my mistress's desires.
Now, she's Wait a minute.
She's dressed and gone now, thank goodness.
Not that goodness has much to do with it, but still.
Now.
Where were we? Ah, yes, the prologue.
Now, this horse, Pegasus, lifted up its head and said Nay, nay, nay.
No, it did not.
Would you mind not interrupting, please? This horse, Peg Hello? What's he up to? Nay, nay, do not move away from me.
I want to kiss every little toe.
Oh, yes.
Oh, charming.
Now, that That is Nausius, the son of my master.
Well, at least, so his mistress told him at the time.
Now, what's he doing? To whom is he giving a pedicure? Hmm.
Yes.
She looks quite a nice piece of patulum.
Eh? Patulum.
That's Latin for a sort of hot, round toasted thing we all have at tea time.
Yes.
It's all holes on one side, and very flat.
No, I don't think she's really like a piece of patulum, do you? Greetings, young master.
What's afoot? Why, twelve inches, Lurcio.
Twelve inches.
They've got all the best lines, you know.
It's not right.
Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio, look what beauty I've found.
Yes, oh, yes.
And there's so much of her.
Both ways.
Venus incarnate.
Venus, oh, she must be the one who makes the pencils.
Yes.
Here, what's this "Venus incarnate" stuff? -They call me Daili.
-Yes, and nightly, too, I should think.
-Is she not wonderful, Lurcio? -Oh, yes, master.
-See.
I have inscribed an ode to her already.
-I thought you might.
(CLEARING THROAT) His ode.
"Behold her beauty fine as gold As great as Rome's fair cities" Here we are.
Get ready.
"But greater by far in joy to behold Is the greatness of her intellect" I couldn't think of a word to rhyme there.
Is there one? The sender of the first correct solution will receive two free tickets to our spectacle.
Oh, Lurcio, you will find it hard to credit this, but I found this frail and innocent creature in desperate straits.
Yes, she looks as if she'd been on the straits, I must say.
So desperate with all that she was preparing to sell herself to the highest bidder.
-Oh, dear.
-What's he talking about? I was just standing there minding me own business.
Yes, well, I think he was talking about your business, dear.
Thank Zeus I met her in time to prevent it.
-Lurcio, we must do something to help her.
-Yes.
All right, what do you suggest, young master? Well, that's the trouble.
I'm at a loss.
I don't know what to do with her.
The funny thing is, he doesn't, either.
He doesn't.
Not a clue.
He's a funny boy.
Strange boy.
I think it's these public schools, you know.
They cloister them, you see -Lurcio.
-Yes.
Perhaps my father would give her a job in the house.
-Well.
-Do you think so? He'll give her something, that's for sure.
I'll hie me immediately to the senate and ask him.
That's right, hie you immediately.
-'Cause he's a good hier.
That's all he does -Lurcio.
-Yes.
-You take her inside.
No, you take her inside.
I'd rather have her outsides.
Inside Oh, don't bother.
Don't bother.
Here, what is this? I don't want a household job.
-He's out of his tiny mind.
-Now, now, madam.
Show a little respect.
That is Nausius.
Nausius.
And he is the son of one of Pompeii's most esteemed and wealthiest senators.
-Oh, really? -Yes.
Oh, well, that's different.
What sort of job would it be, then? Well, this may be a silly question, but what can you do? -Well, I can scrub.
-I thought it was a silly question.
Well, look, let's discuss this inside.
Let us go inside the house together.
That's right.
Get Not you.
Look, will you stop following me about, please? You can get arrested for this sort of thing.
No, don't worry.
I'll tell you what goes on when I come back again.
So don't Try and behave yourselves, for goodness' sake.
(CHUCKLING) -Thank you, my dear.
That was a very nice wash.
-Thank you.
Senator Ludicrus! -Hail, Scrophulus.
-This is for you.
It has just arrived by messenger from Rome.
Ooh! By Jupiter! Caesar's stamp.
First class, moreover.
Oh, I say, listen to this, Scrophulus.
"Hail Ludicrus Sextus, my dearest friend and confidant, Senator Stovus Primus arrives in Pompeii today.
I charge you to offer him the hospitality of your house, and to treat him well.
Yours truly, Julie.
" Oh, this is indeed a great honour, Ludicrus.
Yes, yes, I must return home at once in case he arrives before I get there.
-Do I look presentable? -Oh, yes, indeed.
I must look my best for the senator! Oh, yes! Oh! Dear, dear, I'm so excited! Oh, I think I'd better have another quick wash.
Well, I'm sorry I've kept you waiting, but at least I've found out what she can do.
I mean, I've No, a minute.
I mean, I've found out I looked at her capabilities.
Er, I found I got to the bottom of Er The prologue.
This horse, Pegasus, lifted up its head and said -Hey, you there! -Yes.
-No, it didn't.
-Hey, you.
-Me, sir? -Yes, you with the big quiff.
Oh, yes.
I can see this is gonna be the start of a beautiful friendship.
Is this the house of Ludicrus Sextus? Yes, sir, but I'm afraid the master is out at present.
Oh, no matter, his wife is expecting me.
Word has been sent of my coming.
Oh, yes, yes.
This must be the mistress's unwanted lover.
You see.
No wonder.
Look at it.
Look.
Look at that stomach.
Not so much unwantable as unusable, I should think.
Well, don't stand there with that stupid expression on your face, you bog-faced ninny.
"Bog-faced ninny"? "Bog-faced"? I know I look a bit vacant sometimes, but As common as muck here tonight, this lot.
Got some yobbos in, I think.
I'll tell you one thing.
I shall rather enjoy asping him.
I'll tell you why.
Because I abhor rudeness.
I abhor rudeness.
Do you? I do.
I abhor rudeness.
Isn't that a lovely word, "abhor"? Abhor.
Oh, I use that a lot.
Oh, I abhor.
It's a lovely word.
I abhor.
I could.
I could use that all night.
Go on.
(IN DEEP VOICE) I abhor.
Or higher.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) I abhor.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
One for the road.
I abhor! Good.
Now stir yourself, you imbecile, and take me to your mistress.
Very well, sir.
Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bogs full.
I shall never forgive him for that.
There you are, sir.
If you'll go inside.
What? Does your mistress receive your guests in the cellar? Yes, sir, you see, that's where she keeps the brass tacks.
And she likes getting down to them, so if you would like to go inside.
Mind the steps.
(SCREAMING) (CRASHING) Missed.
Shame.
Now.
Where's me asp? Ah, yes.
I always keep it at the back.
Excuse me.
Come along, little asp.
Feeding time.
Mind the stairs.
There.
You're going the wrong way.
Wrong way! Don't come back! Get out of it! Get that way! Get your Get out of it! Watch this! I'll Get right back! I'll tame that wild spirit.
Yes! There.
Wrong way.
There, get in there.
No, wrong way round.
There, get in there.
Come out! Drop it, Rover.
Rover, drop it.
Oh, dear.
Oh dear.
What a nasty moment that was.
'Cause I'm allergic to asps, you know.
Honestly, I am.
They bring me out in lumps.
No, don't laugh.
It's wicked to mock the afflicted.
Listen, listen a minute.
As a matter of fact, there's a medical term for that.
It's called aspidistra.
Oh, my sister has it often.
On the sideboard.
Listen.
Listen.
I've got Oh! Look, a little lump.
A weeny lump.
Look at that.
-Lurcio! Lurcio! -Oh, yes, master.
-Now what are you doing? -Oh, master, I'm just doing the prologue.
Well, there's no time for that.
Oh, most exciting news, Lurcio.
Most exciting.
Why, what's afoot? It's the thing that joins your ankle to your toes.
I could bite my tongue off.
Now, listen, Lurcio.
I'm expecting a very important visitor.
Very important indeed.
-Yes.
-He has Caesar's ear.
-Oh.
-Have you seen him? No, sir, but he should be easy to recognise with three ears.
What? What's that? -Caesar's ear.
-Is he? Where? He's getting really senile.
He is, silly old fool.
Honestly, he can only think of one thing at a time.
And if there's none of that around, he's had it.
I can't see anyone.
I do wish you'd stop interrupting me, Lurcio.
Now, where was I? There's an important visitor coming who has Caesar's ear.
-Really? Who's that? -Oh, doesn't it get you down? -He drives me mad.
-Oh, wait a moment! It was probably the chap I was going to tell you about.
Look, well, he's not coming.
He hasn't arrived yet.
Oh, good.
Well, I'll just nip down to the terminus and meet him.
But if he should arrive while I'm gone, look after him well, Lurcio.
-This could mean big things for me.
-Oh, yes.
Yes, master.
Listen, talking of big things, your son Nausius brought a young girl home tonight.
And she wants a job.
Oh, no, I can't be bothered with anything like that.
-A girl, did you say? -Yes.
-Young and attractive? -Yes, master.
-Tut-tut-tut-tut.
-Yes.
Ooh? Oh, yes! Two oohs! Oh, yes.
Oh, tut-tut-tut-tut.
And prone to indulge in the arts of Venus, I suppose? I should say she was always prone.
Yes.
Oh! Tut-tut-tut-tut.
I'll deal with her on my return.
And with that, he tutted off.
Poor old devil, he couldn't deal a pack of cards.
He's only got his memory to keep him going.
Never mind.
Now, please (HORSE HOOVES APPROACHING) Hello! I hear a horse approaching in the next street.
Now, if I didn't know better, I would swear that was someone knocking two coconut shells together.
Whoa! That's enough.
Well, well, well.
Now, it's stopped! It stopped.
Where's me bucket and spade? No, listen.
Listen, the soil around here's very poor.
And you'd be surprised what a difference a load of coconut shell droppings can make.
Hear now the wise words of Plautus.
It is a well known fact, that the men of Pompeii were famed for the size of their rhubarb.
Ammonia! Ammonia! It is I, Lecherous.
It's no use trying to avoid me, you know, I mean to have my way.
Very well, then.
(EXCLAIMING) Ah-ha! Got you, my beauty.
(GASPING) Beg your pardon.
I thought you were someone else.
I should think so.
-Are you the senator? -Yes, yes, yes.
That's right.
Oh, that's all right, then.
Sorry I screamed.
Oh! (GIGGLING) Oh, dear.
Just in time.
Honestly, the rush, the rush.
You'd think it was gold dust.
Well, I've got no time to stand here chit-chatting to the likes of you, I must do my chores.
Get up there.
Well (LAUGHTER) Ooh! Will you excuse me for a moment? I like a good wrestling match.
Excuse me.
Well, what a funny hold she's got him in.
Hello! I recognise that face.
Daili! Get off from above him.
What are you doing? A big girl like you attacking a strange little man like him.
-Now, get back to your work.
-Well, I haven't got anything to do.
What? You can't have finished laying that mosaic floor already.
Anyway, I was only trying to be nice to the senator.
Ah! The senat The senator? Oh, this must be the one with Caesar's lughole.
-Oh, yes.
-What is all this, and who the devil are you? Ah.
I, sir, am Lurcio, the slave of the household.
I'm sorry I didn't recognise you before.
Well, never mind about all that.
You go and tell your mistress that Lecherous Maximus is here.
Yes, sir.
I -Lecherous Maximus, sir? -Yes, yes.
-From Thrace? -Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, dear.
Lecherous Maximus from Thrace, yes, yes, yes.
Then who's the one with the asp? Something tells me I've got everything asp about-Thrace.
Would you excuse me, sir, yes, yes, yes? I hope I hope it's not too late.
Sir! Help! I've been attacked.
Attacked.
Bitten by an asp.
"Bitten by an asp"! Oh, don't worry, sir.
I'll suck it out.
Where did it bite you? I withdraw that offer.
Oh, I'm blinding out! Come on, I'll take you to a doctor.
A doctor.
LUDICRUS: Lurcio, Lurcio! Yes, sir.
Get back in there.
Wait in there.
Mind the steps.
(SCREAMING) (CRASHING) Oh, missed them again.
He is clumsy.
Lurcio, Lurcio, I simply can't understand it.
At the terminus they told me that a senator from Rome had arrived an hour ago.
Er, yes, well Ah, well I can't think of anything else to say.
-Well, are you sure he hasn't arrived? -Yes, sir.
-Well, yes, I am.
-Well, he must be here somewhere.
Well, now, be careful, sir.
Don't go in there! Ooh! Oh! Oh, my dear senator.
Forgive me for not being here to welcome you.
What? Who are you, sir? Why, Ludicrus Sextus at your service, Senator.
Oh, Lurcio, I told you the senator had arrived.
Bring wine and food immediately.
Wine and food, sir, yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Of course, sir.
You see, my master has mistaken this one from Rome, you see.
He thinks it's the one from Rome.
You had realised that, hadn't you? Otherwise, the next ten minutes are gonna seem awfully boring.
How did you know that I was here? (CHUCKLING) I was warned of your coming.
You were? Why should she tell her husband? Yes, yes, I've been expecting you.
-Were you told the purpose of my visit? -Well, no.
But whatever it is, you can count on my wholehearted cooperation.
Can I believe my ears? Oh, dear.
Shall I tell my master of his mistake? Oh, no, why bother? Things can't get any worse, can they? Ah, the wine.
Lurcio, serve the senator.
No, no, no, really.
I don't feel like anything just now.
No.
Oh, no, you must be tired after your journey.
You'd better go up to bed and rest.
-Oh, he's not staying, is he, sir? -Well, of course he is, Lurcio, what do you think he came for? I'm putting you in my wife's room.
-What? -Yes.
Who said things couldn't get any worse? Well, it's the best room in the house, isn't it, Lurcio? -Oh, for him, undoubtedly, yes.
-Oh, no, no, no.
Nonsense.
I'm sure my wife wouldn't mind.
In fact, she'd be the first to suggest it.
Oh, I wouldn't bet on that, sir.
Oh, you'll find Ammonia very hospitable.
She enjoys company.
And she hasn't had any for some time.
Oh, I wouldn't bet on that either, sir.
You must meet her straight away.
Where's the mistress, Lurcio? Well, she's out, master.
Oh, pity, pity.
Well, never mind, I'll show you to your room.
Oh, all right.
Oh! Oh, Lurcio, who is this? Oh, this is the girl I was telling you about, your son Nausius brought home with him.
The girl with the big prospects.
Ah, my dear, you couldn't have arrived at a better time.
Here, she will look after you, Senator, until my wife returns.
With pleasure, sir.
Well, I've heard of hospitality, but this is ridiculous.
Isn't it marvellous, eh? Nothing happens around here for weeks on end, and as soon as I start telling the prologue, everything goes all to pot.
(SCREAMING IN AGONY) I expire! I expire! I expire! You can't.
This is not the right expiry date.
Oh, don't bother then.
Yes, well, come outside.
Draw it outside, sir.
AMMONIA: Lurcio! -Lurcio! -That's right.
Come back inside.
Oh, I don't Oh, no.
Where can he hide? Look, go in here, sir, for the time being.
That's right.
(GROANING) (SCREAMING) (CRASHING) That's funny.
I've worked in this house for ten years, and that's the first time I knew there was another way down to the cellar.
Lurcio, Lurcio, what news? Has Lecherous been? Well, no.
Yes.
And gone.
Good, then he's had the asp.
Well, now, the asp Well Don't prevaricate, Lurcio.
Either he's had it or he hasn't had it.
Well, to be truthful, madam, I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't having it right now.
What do you mean? What on earth are you talking about, Lurcio? Ah, Ammonia, my dear.
I'm glad you're back.
Splendid news! The senator is here.
-What? Where? -Waiting in your room.
What? Mistress, if you don't mind, I'll go and finish the prologue.
You stay where you are.
Waiting in my room? I don't know what you're talking about.
Well, my dear, of course you don't know.
Well, my dear, we have the honour of entertaining Caesar's right-hand man, Senator Stovus Primus.
Oh, that senator.
Yes, yes, yes, and I thought he ought to have the best room.
You don't mind, my dear, do you? No, of course not.
I'll go up at once and reassure him.
Mistress, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
And I'll have further words with you later, Lurcio.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, get ready for it.
(AMMONIA SCREAMING) Bingo.
(AMMONIA YELLING) Great Jupiter! What's she doing? Her nut, master, I think.
(LECHEROUS EXCLAIMING) -I've never been so insulted in my own house! -Ammonia! Ammonia, have you taken leave of your senses? Stop, stop, stop.
And there you have it.
All the successful ingredients for a big winner.
Big show-business winner.
Sex and violence.
All we need now is a bit of the kinky stuff.
Lurcio! Lurcio! And here it is.
-Why, what's afoot? -Oh, now he asks me! We've run out all the funny answers.
-Come on.
Let's get out of this madhouse.
-Here, what are you doing? Leave her alone! -Get out of my way! -Take your hands off my Daili! Your what? Nausius, my son.
Have you gone mad, too? Oh, careful, Nausius! He's getting something out! Oh, we've done that gag.
-Oh, it's a dagger.
-Yes, we've done that gag as well.
(EXCLAIMING) Quick, Lurcio, do something before he kills him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
It's so crowded in here.
Keep going till I get back.
Two falls or two submissions.
-AMMONIA: Oh! -Right! Get him back here, young master.
Get him back.
Come on.
Now's our chance.
Don't you dare show your face in here again, you filthy old man! My poor baby.
Oh, thank you.
What about your poor husband? Oh, Ammonia, do you realise who that was? Of course I do.
It was that pig from Thrace, Lecherous Maximus.
Lecherous Maximus? What of Stovus Primus, then? I expire! I expire! Oh, no, dear, no! What has happened? Primus Stovus has gone out.
This is disastrous! Disastrous! -Don't forget your tut-tut-tuts.
-Oh, yes, tut-tut-tut-tut.
Oh, Lurcio, how could this dreadful thing have happened? Well, you see, I had me asp in the prologue.
Ludicrus! Ludicrus! I must speak with you! A special messenger has just arrived from Caesar.
He has discovered that Stovus Primus was plotting against his life, and hopes to enlist your support.
What? I would never side against Caesar.
Precisely.
As soon as this villain broached the subject to my master, why, see what happened.
You turned on him, didn't you, master? -You see? -Did I? Of course you do.
Don't you know your own part, you silly old fool? Of course you did.
You thwarted him! Look at him.
And you were victorious.
Oh! Well done, Ludicrus.
I will send word to Caesar at once.
And you will be rewarded for your loyalty.
Ha ha! Well done, sir.
And so you should be.
Well.
But, Lurcio, how What What Well, I'll tell you, sir.
I'll explain it all later, when we've finished the prologue.
Later.
That's it, sir.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
What a day.
What a day.
Oh, for the moment there I was flummoxed.
I really was.
My flum has never been so oxed.
Now, where were we? Oh, yes, the prologue.
So, this horse lifted its head up and said Beware! Beware! She never gives up, does she? Never.
The time is near! The end is here! Yes, well, she's quite right.
The end is here.
Yes, we are short of tempus, I'm very sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
That means we shall have to finish this story next week.
Never mind, we'll finish it next week.
And so, in the immortal words of Caesar, before he began the second invasion of Britain, same time, same channel, salute.