Walking and Talking (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

1 I quite like this song, even though it's about pop music and I don't like pop music.
I've just read the best book I've ever read in my whole life.
Hangover Square by Patrick Hamilton.
I got it 'cause it had the word "hangover" in the title and I thought it's bound to be about people boozing and it is, but it's mainly about being nutty in the head.
This poor bloke called George Harvey Bone's a schizo, which means he has two sides of himself.
And he's madly in love with this girl called Netta, but she's a right cow who only makes out she likes him when he has money for the drink 'cause he's a bit fat.
And when he changes from one side of who he is to the other, it just goes click in his head and all sorts of mistakes happen and he ends up murdering her.
I know it sounds bad, but I really like George and I'm really glad he killed Netta.
New York, London, Paris, Munich Everybody talk about pop muzik Come on, guy, we'd better run or we'll get caught.
Oh, I've got cramp! I've got a stitch.
- Where you want to go, guy? - Well, Mare, I don't know if you're going to like the idea.
Are you scared of ghosts? Course I am.
Well, there might be a ghost where we're going.
In fact, there might be two ghosts.
Flipping heck.
There's this bloke called Joe Orton.
He lived on Noel Road, Mare, round the back of our old primary, and his boyfriend was called Kenneth something or other.
And Joe Orton was a really good writer but Kenneth something or other didn't really do anything, he just read books and stuff.
And he started to get jealous that everyone wanted to be Joe Orton's mate.
And nobody really liked him 'cause he was a bit weird and wore a wig and that.
So, one day he just thought, "Nah, I've had enough of everyone liking him "and all famous people like the Beatles wanting to be his mate, And he got an hammer and smashed Joe Orton's head in about 20 million times, guy.
- No! - Yeah, guy.
And then took a load of pills and killed himself.
Gordon Bennett! The two of them were found dead in a room splattered with blood.
Oh, yuckin' hell.
- And you know Kenneth Williams? - No.
Yeah, you do.
"Oh, stop mucking about.
" You know, from the Carry On films.
- "Ooh, matron!" - Oh, yeah.
- He was their mate.
- Blimey.
Anyway, I think it'd be really, really good if we went round there and took a look at the house where it happened 'cause you never know, we might see their ghost.
All right, then, but if we do see anything, I might have to scream and run away.
I'll be screaming and running with you, mate.
Yeah, we'll both be running up the road screaming and crying.
And everyone'll think something really bad happened! That'd be really, really funny.
Carry on screaming Carry on screaming 'Cause when you're screaming I know that you're dreaming of me Do you think it's all right for a bloke to love another bloke? Well, I dunno.
I don't think it's wrong.
A lot of really brilliant writers are that way.
Like Joe Orton and Oscar Wilde.
Oscar Wilde was sent to prison for it, which I think is really out of order 'cause he was really, really funny for the olden days.
Larry thinks it's wrong.
- Does he? - Yeah.
He told me he'd beat 'em up given half a chance.
Why would he want to do that, man? Dunno.
He just don't like 'em.
They make him feel sick.
He thinks they should all be sent to an island.
Why Ireland? I don't get it.
Not Ireland, an island.
Out in the middle of the ocean.
Oh, well, that don't seem very nice.
I don't think Larry would beat 'em up.
He is really, really lovely, you know.
He's just got a strong mind about things.
Well, Mare, as someone who is often beaten up and I ain't even a bloke who loves another bloke or a criminal or anything, I don't think someone who does that can be really, really lovely.
- Do you know what I'm saying? - Sort of.
He just says things, he don't mean it.
I do love him, you know.
- Love him? - Yeah.
- Have you told him? - Yeah.
- What did he say? - That he loves me, too.
- Who said it first, though? - I did.
Blimey, he'll be wanting his oats soon.
Do you want an ice cream? I'll pay.
- Have you got enough money? - Larry gave me some last night.
Did he? Why'd he do that? He's always giving me things.
Gave me this watch, didn't he? And this necklace.
Last night he gave me a pound.
Blimey, it's all right for some.
- Do you want one, then? - Oh, okay.
If Larry's paying.
Cheers, Mare.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! - Hello? - Yes, ladies? We'd like an ice cream, please.
You'll have to wait, my darlings.
Machine went on the blink.
It's just churning.
It'll be nice and fresh in a minute.
- A bit like you two.
- Eh? Nice and fresh.
You two look nice and fresh.
I feel a bit sweaty, to be honest.
Nothing wrong with a bit of sweat.
It's good for your skin, gives you a glow.
What's your names, then? - Farrah.
- Oh, Farrah.
That's unusual.
- What's your name then, beautiful? - She's Emmanuelle.
- Shut up, guy.
- Ooh, that's sexy.
You got a wicker chair, then? No! - Do you want to guess my name, then? - Not really.
- I changed it by deed poll.
- Not really.
Go on, have a guess, then.
Casanova? No, I like that.
- Have another go.
- Bob.
Don't be a putz.
I'll give you a clue.
- It's Greek.
- Bobius.
Oh, you're pulling my leg.
Am I, Bobius? No, I am Bobius.
I am Bobius! I'm Bobius! Yeah, I know what you were doing there then, but no.
Not Bobius.
But you are strangely close.
Go on, then, tell us.
Icarus.
- Eh? - What? - Do you know who that is, then? - No.
It's Greek mythology.
Do you do that in school, then? No, we do typing and sewing.
- Who'd you say again? - Icarus.
He flew too close to the sun and had his wings melted.
It's like my ice cream, see? If I get my ice cream too close to the sun, it would melt and I'd lose all my power and my business and that then.
Clever, ain't it? But don't you need the sun to sell your ice cream in the first place? Yeah.
Without the sun you wouldn't have no business in the first place, mate.
What can I get you then? Two 25p cones, please.
- Nice bit of sauce? - No, thanks.
- Sprinkles? - Yes, please.
- Sauce or sprinkles? - Sauce.
- Sauce what? - Sauce, please.
Manners doesn't hurt, does it, then? - Do you need any fags? - No, thanks.
ProPlus? No, we're all right, thanks.
Got enough energy then, eh? ProPlus are rubbish.
They shrunk.
Same as they ever was.
Your hands have probably got bigger since last summer, fatter.
That's a bit cheeky.
Yeah, guy, I ain't got fat hands.
I didn't say that, did I, then? Oh, these have definitely shrunk.
I've nearly finished mine.
Why aren't you in school? - We're on a field trip.
- Yeah, we're doing a project.
- What's that about, then? - Crimes of passion.
Ooh, they get away with that in France.
We're going to see this house where a famous writer was murdered.
- Here? In Islington? - Yeah.
- Joe Orton? - Yeah, guy, how did you know that? I know a lot of stuff, sweetheart.
I can remember when it happened.
Police and journalists all over the shop.
It was a scandal.
It made the front page of the News of the Screws.
- Are you on your way there now, then? - Yeah.
I could give you a lift, if you like.
I'm heading over that way.
One of the pubs is getting renovated and those builders love an ice cream.
I dunno, we like walking and talking, don't we? Yeah, but Come here a minute.
Cor, that'd be really, really cool.
I've never been in an ice cream van before, have you? No, but you shouldn't get a lift from strangers and that.
He's ain't a stranger.
He's a flipping ice cream man, man.
What if he's a pervy or a flasher or something? I can knock him out if he does anything.
You can't knock him out, you don't hit anyone, even when you're getting battered you don't hit back.
That's 'cause I am a pacifist.
If I really wanted to, I could knock him down with one punch.
Me brothers showed me how to.
Me middle brother knocked me dad out once.
It was brilliant.
Use the power from your elbow, not your fist.
All right, but if he does anything Nice one, Cyril.
We're coming, but if you try and pervy us, I'm a really good fighter and I'll smash your flipping teeth in.
Fair enough.
What a beautiful day.
I love to feel the sun on my face.
One of the many pleasures that God has given us for free.
No charge.
I can't wait for our trip to Broadstairs.
It's going to be a glorious summer.
- Do you like Broadstairs, Sister? - It's okay.
Oh, I'm mad about the place.
There's nothing to beat a good retreat.
Oh, I can't wait for a good old swim in the sea.
Nothing like it.
Come here.
I treated myself to a new swimsuit from the C&A.
Oh, it's regulation black but with the tiniest flowers and deep green embroidered through.
It's gorgeous.
Mmm.
I don't recall you ever going in the sea there, though, Sister.
That's because I don't.
- Do you not like the swimming? - I do not.
You can swim, though, can you? I wouldn't know.
I've never tried.
You've never tried? Oh, but Sister, you must try.
It is a wonderful feeling.
Oh, and another of God's freebies.
Swimming in itself is a pleasure for the heart.
But swimming in the sea Now, that is a sensation that I'd find hard to match.
The salt and the waves and the unpredictability of that roaring beast is what I'm sure most of the girls here would describe as a "buzz".
- Is it, now? - I'll teach you.
Shall I do that, Sister? Shall I teach you to swim? - Would you like that? - I would not.
Oh, don't be a daftie.
It'll be great.
You'll be safe with me if you're a wee bit scared.
I promise I'll look after you.
I'm not scared, I just don't want to do it.
But you must face your fears, Sister.
Life is a beautiful My mother drowned! What? My mother, she drowned! Dear God.
The sea is indeed a "roaring beast", as you described it.
But there's no "buzz" to it, as far as I'm concerned.
To me, it is a dark monster that swept in and snatched my mummy away in front of my eyes at the age of seven.
I had no idea.
"My grief on the sea, how the waves of it roll! "For they heave between me and the love of my soul!" It's Douglas Hyde, it's very apt.
- I feel awful.
- So you should.
You go on and on like a great big giddy kipper.
I know I do, Sister.
Keep your enthusiasm for life to a low simmer.
Instead of that irritating rolling boil you constantly find yourself on.
Gets on my feckin' wick.
I'm devastated.
Carry on screaming 'Cause when you're screaming, I know that you're dreaming of me Oh, if I had one of these, I'd make the plinky-ponky music a little more punky.
Plinky-punky.
- Mare? - Yeah? How do you know ProPlus are rubbish? Larry told me.
Now he just sticks to glue and speed.
Blimey.
- Have you taken anything? - Course not.
Would you, though, if he asked you? Why not? I dunno.
I think it would really upset your mum.
I'm hardly likely to tell her.
I thought you told your mum everything.
Don't sniff glue, though, Mare.
It can make your face all spotty.
Tina up the Archway used to be really, really pretty but now she's got a mouth like a bag of scraps from the chippie.
Well, Larry says it's good to try things out.
And life's boring enough as it is.
You should read more.
Read more? What are you talking about, guy? You know, books and that.
I get bored a load but if I have a book on the go, the time just goes whizz.
We have to face up to it, Mare, life'll be boring till we can get into pubs.
I hate books.
All the words jump about, they never seem to be in the right order.
You might need glasses.
I'm not wearing stupid glasses.
Don't want to be a four-eyes.
Shh! Why are you shushing me, guy? - Don't shush me.
- Ickywhatsit might hear.
So? Flipping heck, Mare.
You sound like you got the hump with me or something.
- I haven't.
- Why you getting all snap, snap, snap? Sorry! Are you scared we might get caught bunking off? Don't be stupid, I bunked off loads last week.
You were sick.
I weren't.
I was with Larry.
Oh.
I don't tell you everything, either.
Silence is golden, golden Nutter.
Have you got the hump with me, Mare? No, it's just I wish you hadn't told him my name was Emmanuelle.
He might think I'm a right goer.
Larry said I'm what they call desirable, I've got to be really careful about giving blokes the wrong impression.
Oh.
You don't want Ickywhatsit to think he's in with a chance.
Did you see the way he was looking at me? No.
He looked at me like he really, really fancied me.
Did he? How can you tell that, then? You just can.
Larry's taught me to recognise it.
When we walk down the road, he'll say "He does, he does, he does, he doesn't, he does, he doesn't" Oh, blimey.
Don't you tell Larry we've done this.
It could make him really, really angry.
He sounds like your dad.
He doesn't sound like my dad, man.
He sounds like a normal boyfriend who cares about me.
Flipping heck, guy.
You really need to grow up a bit.
When you've got a boyfriend, you'll know all about this stuff a little bit more.
You have to do what they say and like the stuff they like and find them really funny and really interesting and know that deep, deep down they love you so much that they'd bash up anyone that looked you the wrong way.
He could pack me in just like that.
I have never ever felt so special.
Right.
We're here then, girls.
Oh, good, we're here.
Here I come, then.
The home of Joe Orton.
Just an average-looking house on an average-looking street.
Yeah.
It's pretty cool your school are doing a project on it, something so salacious.
They ain't really.
I read about it up the library.
Saw a film he wrote and I thought it was brilliant.
Bunkin' off, to be honest.
Thought so.
- She's got a boyfriend.
- Oh, good for you.
You don't mind him being a homosexual, then? Uh No, not really.
Ain't any of our business, is it? That's a very mature attitude.
Yeah, loads of good writers are like that.
And pop stars and Danny La Rue.
Don't think they should be beaten up or sent to an island or anything.
I think they should be able to write and sing and drink up the Black Cap and watch I, Claudius and just have a laugh like we do.
You are very, very smart.
No, I ain't.
I'm in the unit at school.
Well, common sense can go a long way, though.
He just said you were common.
Ignore her, that's a very easy joke to make.
Yeah, guy.
I think if a man wants to love another man, that's fine by me.
I know women love other women as well but that makes me feel a bit funny.
I mean, I really like Debbie Harry.
I think she's a really brilliant singer and a really brilliant songwriter but she's also really, really beautiful.
Sometimes I just stare at her for ages.
Don't think that means I fancy her.
I said I don't fancy her, guy.
I just think she's really, really beautiful.
Oh, she's got a beautiful cakehole.
Fantastic teeth.
Yeah, the whole world wants to give her one.
You're a smasher.
- You got a boyfriend, too, then? - No.
- Boys don't fancy me.
- I don't believe that.
- It's true, ain't it, Mare? - Yeah.
That's a shame.
I think the boys are mad, then.
There's something wonderful about you.
Thanks.
- I want to go now.
- Hey? I want to go home now, guy.
We've only just got here.
Well, we've seen the house, ain't we? And there ain't no ghosts or nothing.
But this is a right laugh.
I'm bored, I want to go home.
We have to go now, Ickywhatsit.
- Oi, mate.
- Eh? - She wants us to go now.
- Right.
You okay? I miss him.
- Who? - Joe.
Oh.
It was only a bit of fun for him, a bit of hanky panky but he was everything to me.
- My first love, see.
- Right.
I'm still not over it.
And I miss him so, so much.
Aw.
I couldn't even grieve him properly.
Nobody knew.
It was a secret, see? A secret love.
- Can't bring him back, though, can I? - No.
He's hard to replace.
I'm going! - You coming or what? - Yeah.
- Come on, then! - All right, guy.
In a minute! - She's a bit rude.
- She ain't really.
She's a bit different since she's been going out with Larry.
Oh, I'd better go.
It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too, then, sweetheart.
- Thanks for the lift.
- Pleasure.
You'll meet someone new soon.
- Do you reckon? - Yeah.
You should just smarten yourself up a bit.
Get some contact lenses.
Do you think that would work, then? - It's worth a try, ain't it? - Yeah.
Men, eh? What a palaver.
Yeah, men! - See you.
- Mind how you go.
Flipping heck, Mare, you didn't even say thank you.
So? Why are you being so humpy? I'm not.
I just didn't like him, that's all.
I couldn't wait to get out of his stinky van.
Where do you want to go now, then? - I'm going to Larry's.
- Oh, right.
- Well, can I come? - No, I want to go on me own.
Where am I going to go? I can't go home, me dad's home from work having a come-down.
He's seeing Smurfs and everything.
Well, that's not my problem, is it? Why don't you go to the library and read your books? Look, I'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks for the ice cream.
It's all right.
See you tomorrow.
Don't walk on the wild side.
What a bummer.