Was It Something I Said? (2013) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to Was It Something I Said?,
the panel show that's all about
everything anyone's ever said ever,
so long as they're famous.
As Churchill stated in 1942
This, in contrast, is not even
the end of the beginning,
but it is perhaps the middle
of the beginning of the beginning.
I tell a lie,
that was the end of the beginning!
On Richard Ayoade's team
is old-dog comedian Jason Manford,
and on Micky Flanagan's team is new
trick but not in the prossie sense,
other comedian Romesh Ranganathan!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read our quotations
is a writer and presenter
who's been quoted as saying
her blond-haired husband
isn't really her type, adding
So, for a while,
Abu Qatada was in the frame.
LAUGHTER
Please welcome journalist
and broadcaster Mariella Frostrup.
APPLAUSE
So, Mariella,
this is a show about quotations.
Do you have any favourites?
Yeah, I quite like the opening line
of Herzog, by Saul Bellow.
"If I'm out of my mind,
it's all right with me."
Well, that makes sense, doesn't it?
Well, I find it makes sense,
don't you? No?
Well, I think many people
who are out of their mind
probably wish they weren't.
LAUGHTER
Maybe the definition of sanity is
being mad in a way you don't mind.
I think the definition of sanity
is to embrace your insanity,
- which is why I particularly like
that opening line. - Yeah.
- You're Norwegian, aren't you?
- Yeah, half.
- AhI'm half Norwegian.
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Which half? - Top half.
- LAUGHTER
- Bottom half.
- OK, maybe we cantransform.
- Or amalgamate.
Yeah. Gosh, that's very forward but,
um
- LAUGHTER
- I'm a modern woman.
Yeah, "amalgamate"
is a very polite word.
Would you mind if we slip off now,
David?
And go off and
- Create a full Norwegian.
- Amalgamate
LAUGHTER
Wow! It's got veryfrank
very quickly.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, our first round
is called Threesomes,
- and I can guarantee
- LAUGHTER
- Jason is not coming. - Whoo!
Jason is not welcome.
LAUGHTER
Our first round
is called Threesomes,
and I can guarantee
that it's going to be as exciting
as a sexual threesome.
That's if you're really into
a quiz about quotations
and you can pretty much
take or leave sex these days.
- LAUGHTER
- I'm going to give both teams
a quotation,
and they have to work out which
of three well-known figures said it.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid
on Twitter, to unlock extra content.
The theme of this week's
Threesome is hotels.
And can we have the first
quotation, please, Mariella?
In a moment, I'll give you
three famous faces to choose from
but, before that,
what do you make of this quotation?
Is itNoah?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It rather reduces the Flood to just
a localised flood in their flat,
so they have to move
briefly into a hotel.
And also, sometimes,
before you go on a long trip,
you do want to stay in a hotel
near the ferry,
you know, like a Holiday Inn
or something.
Well, I think
I should narrow down your options.
Was it rock star Alice Cooper,
Justin Bieber, who I believe
is some kind of singer
LAUGHTER
..oror David Attenborough?
I'm thinking not Bieber,
because why would he
He doesn't need snakes and anacondas,
does he?
He needs a watch more than anything.
How many hours late was he
for that gig at Wembley?
- Three, I think. - Was it?
- Three hours, yeah.
I was going crazy, I was
LAUGHTER
I don't think it's Attenborough,
cos if he were coming in the hotel
and he had a load of animals
with him,
you'd just go, "Ah, he probably
knows what he's doing."
- MICKY: You know, I met Alice Cooper.
- Did you?
He's not as upset with his name
as you would think but, uh
And after the show, he said,
"I'm going to go crazy, I'm going
to have a full-fat Coke."
- Oh, right.
- That's how rock'n'roll he is.
I didn't realise
there was so much fat in drugs.
LAUGHTER
I thought it was one of the plus
things, that you might lose weight.
"I'll have the full-fat Charlie,
please!"
"I'm going to have
some really buttery heroin."
LAUGHTER
- I think we Should we go for Alice?
- I reckon Alice. - You reckon Alice?
And what do you reckon?
I mean, let's not be bullied
into making a poor choice. I mean
- Quite. - We're bigger than that.
You might be, I'm going
to go with David Attenborough.
LAUGHTER
I think "all these animals"
is not a phrase that
Yeah, it does sound
a little bit vague.
I don't think
David Attenborough would go,
"And here we are in front of all
these fucking animals."
- OK. Let's go with your choice then.
- OK. Alice Cooper, and it's Alice
- Our choice. We're going Alice Cooper.
- Thank you.
Both teams are going Alice Cooper.
Well, the answer is
David Attenborough.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
His idiom has absolutely let me
down and not for the first time.
LAUGHTER
But, yes, Attenborough spent
the earlier part of his career
travelling the world, collecting
animals for London Zoo,
about which he subsequently
expressed regret, saying
Yeah.
That's what all those DJs
say now, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Attenborough's snakes went under
the hotel bed, as he said,
but what did
he say went in the bath?
Piss.
LAUGHTER
No.
There would be no need to
piss in the bath,
not unless you were keeping
a tortoise in the loo.
He said he put
armadillos in the bath.
Genuinely, it seems like, early on
his career, David Attenborough went
around bagging animals,
justabroad, found an animal,
grabbed it, shoved it in a bag
I think it's called poaching.
Yeah. I don't know whether
he cooked them or not, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
He's stealing them and going
and making programmes about how
there aren't any animals
left in the wild, well
LAUGHTER
It's not very surprising!
Can you steal an armadillo?
Who would possess it?
He's stolen them from us all,
like people who pick
flowers from a roundabout.
I've never seen any flowers
on a roundabout, cos in the north
it's just surrounded by
"Happy birthday, Sandra" signs.
LAUGHTER
"Happy 24th, Grandma!"
LAUGHTER
Mariella, can we
have our next quotation
on the subject of hotels, please?
Absolutely.
Is this Lenny Henry?
LAUGHTER
No, it is one of David Attenborough,
Justin Bieber
and Alice Cooper once again.
MICKY: I don't think it's
David Attenborough,
it's not the sort of thing
he'd say on Parkinson, is it?
The urban legend about tapeworms
is horrendous, isn't it?
- The one where, to get rid of it
- Oh, don't!
..you pull your pants down and then
you just crouch over some food
and it just crawls out,
"Ooh, I fancy that now" and just
crawls out and has a bit of food.
I saw a bloke doing
that in Greggs the other day.
LAUGHTER
It's weird, because it's
sort of said in a way that.
You know, like, comedians, we often
do, like, do things in three,
so we go two normal things
and then the last one's a joke.
They're just three normal things,
but it sounds like "fleas, lice,
"tapeworm", and they're all the same.
There's no joke there.
That's like one of my jokes.
That's
It's a sentence.
Yeah, the way I like to tell a joke
is for there to be no
surprises within it.
Or humour.
I think that's quite trad, you know,
actually trying to say something
amusing within the joke.
It's actually kind of
pathetic and a bit needy.
- LAUGHTER
- You know what I mean?
- I'm regretting those
tickets for your arena tour. - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So, Jason and Richard,
who are you leaning towards?
I think it might
be David Attenborough.
- I think
it's Alice Cooper this time. - Oh.
LAUGHTER
- Yeah. - This is getting pretty
awkward. - You say "tomato".
- You also say "tomato". - At least
you can agree on something. - Yes.
- I'm going to go Attenborough.
- They're saying Attenborough. - Yeah.
I don't think it's Bieber because
There's no way he's staying
in a hotel where you can get fleas.
- I think it's - Should we go for A
We think it's Attenborough,
because, you know, it's
the sort of thing that would happen
to him in some far-flung hotel.
OK, well, the answer is
David Attenborough!
APPLAUSE
Just his bad luck to catch all
those off one hooker.
LAUGHTER
Now, the next round
is called keywords.
I'm going to give our panellists
keywords from a well-known quotation
which they should know and they
have to work out the whole thing.
For example, if we gave you
the keywords not, tonight,
and Josephine,
you would know that we had picked
too short a quotation for this
round.
This is from a famous quotation
by Neil Armstrong which you
should all be familiar with.
I will award points to whichever
team is closest
to the exact wording.
As your first clue, Mariella,
can we have two keywords please?
Why, yes, sir. Small and giant.
You are probably thinking, "I
know this one," but I want the bit
after the bit you think you know as
well as the bit you think you know.
What, "Can I come home now?"
People get this quote wrong,
don't they?
Because he actually said
"One small step for a man,
"one giant leap for mankind."
But everybody quotes it as
"One small step for man."
- Because that is a better quote.
- You think that is better?
- One small step - For man?
Do you not think it is better?
No, I think it is better,
"A man".
That is what he said he said.
I know,
he is right to say he said that,
because that would have
been better if he had said that.
I'm not saying whether or not
he said it, what I'm saying is, "One
"small step for a man, one giant
leap for mankind," that means
something.
There is a distinction between
"a man" and "mankind".
Whereas in "one small step for man",
- man in that sense just means
mankind. - Oh, right.
He has just contradicting himself.
"One small step for man,
one giant leap for man."
- Well, which the fuck is it?
- Maybe it
Sir, I'm going to be late
for my next class. Can I go?
There is a story which says
one of the things he said
when he was up there was,
"Good luck, Mr Gorski."
And it was because when he was a kid,
his neighbours were always arguing,
the Gorskis.
And one day, he heard the bloke say,
"Why can't you just give me
"a blow job? Do something I want?"
And she said, "You're not having a
blow job until the kid next door"
Or"There's more chance of you
getting a blow job
"than the kid next door
walking on the Moon!"
LAUGHTER
"Good luck, Mr Gorski!"
I hope it's true.
I like the fact that he might
have worked hard to become
an astronaut purely so his
neighbour could get sucked off.
Can we have another keyword,
please, Mariella?
I don't know, I don't like the way
this game is going. I don't like
the turn it has taken.
There has not been one bloke joke
about sex, making fun of yourselves.
- Yeah, but - They are all about women
not giving blow jobs and hand jobs
- and blah, blah, blah.
- We are our own jokes.
- OK, I'll give you a keyword.
- Yes, please.
You have got to listen carefully.
Because it's very short. Toe.
Toe?
Sorry, I am just trying to
think what
I can do to redress
the balance for womankind and
I'm just not coming up with anything
that I think will be that effective.
No, just carry on as you were, then.
It's been happening for centuries.
Yes. To be honest,
it was pretty optimistic of us
to think that male chauvinism
would end during the show.
Yes.
- Ambitious, even. - Yes. So now,
you have got the third keyword.
What do you think it is?
Er, "One small step for a man,
one giant leap for mankind
"Oh, my fucking toe!"
He might have
hurt his toe? Good answer.
Can they get even closer?
"A small step for a man,
a giant leap for mankind,
"one toe changeseverything."
You are going, "Ow, my fucking toe."
- "One toe changes everything." - Yes!
OK, both plausible.
Mariella, can we have the genuine
quotation from Neil Armstrong,
please?
"..and the surface is fine and
powdery. I can pick it up loosely
with my toe."
The man is wearing great big boots.
He's hardly got a pair
of flip-flops on.
How is he How is he
feeling the earth?
Is he thinking, "Oh, I'll risk death
just to rub my toes in the dirt"?
There is a lot of argument over
whether or not
he said the missing "a".
Earth heard "That's one small step
for man, one giant leap for
mankind."
Armstrong always insisted he had
said "One small step for A man,"
but in 1999, admitted that he
could not hear it either in audio
recordings of the event.
And it was perhaps wiped out
by transmission static.
This has been supported and
rejected by various audio analysts.
So the truth is,
we don't quite know what he said.
But I agree with you,
it's very unclear what he's
going on about with his toe.
Yeah.
Years later, people were meeting
Neil Armstrong and thinking, "Oh,
"he going to have something really
wise to say," and walking away going,
"He was a bit thick, weren't he?"
So at the end of the round,
the teams are tied.
Over the break, see
if you can complete this quotation
from famous playboy Hugh Hefner.
"My best pick-up line is" what?
Tweet your answer to @somethingIsaid
and we'll see
you in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break, we asked you
to complete this quotation
from Hugh Hefner.
"You're under contract to me."
LAUGHTER
"Would you like to touch my rabbit?"
LAUGHTER
Do you want to play the game, then?
LAUGHTER
"This is only going to happen once,
I assure you."
And only then because I have taken
the right tablets.
"Do you want to be in Playboy?
"Because I know a playboy who
wants to be in you."
That's good! That is good!
- I think I know the answer to this.
- You think you know the answer?
I think it is, my best pick-up line
is, I'm Hugh Hefner.
Mariella, can we have the full
quotation, please?
Well done.
APPLAUSE
You definitely get the point there.
What does Hefner's third wife
Crystal say about Hef's naked body?
"Fucking hell!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She might, if she had seen it.
She says, "He doesn't really
take off his clothes.
- "I've never seen Hef naked." - Oh.
A sight too terrible for human eyes.
Up next is a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You're going to hear a quote
that has been taken out of context
and what I want to know is what the
person is talking about?
OK, here's one from
Michael Jackson.
Can we have the quote,
please, Mariella?
Motorised dusters.
A lot of women would
kill for a motorised duster.
You see, when you're talking
about the cliche, Mariella
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Is he talking about the other
Jacksons?
AS MICHAEL JACKSON: Get that dust,
Tito, get that dust, Tito.
Latoya, you missed a bit!
Is it the first draft
for the lyrics to Thriller?
Staff, my staff.
- The staff that I employ.
- Is he talking about monkeys?
And Bubbles, and stuff like that?
Because where the quote
is leading us all to,
is something we don't want to say
about a dead man.
- It makes it sound that there are
little children running around his
house. - Yes, I see what you mean.
They really helped us out with that.
He wouldn't be the dead man of whom
that is now most said, would he?
LAUGHTER
That title has been lost.
That title has been lost to Britain.
Can I just raise one issue
about the face?
Did he not at any point to wake up
and look in the mirror
and go to the surgeon,
"Are you having a fucking laugh?"
"Can you see what you've done?"
Why would you go to a surgeon
and say, "Could you make me hideous?"
Well, you've answered basically,
monkeys. What is your answer?
- I think we should just say working
class people. - Working-class people.
Mariella, can we have the
full quotation, please?
"..They help me dust,
they do the windows."
Well done. It's deer and chimps.
Yes, Jackson had chimps
cleaning windows,
chimps doing the dusting and Bubbles
to help him relax in the bath.
Our next round is the
"Was It Something I Said?" round
in which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll be from someone
on the show tonight
or from our virtual guest Jessie J.
Jessie J shaved her head
for Comic Relief, saying,
"If it saves lives, it's worth it."
Adding, "It's hair,
it will grow back."
Or, as a similarly charitable
Bruce Forsyth said,
"I'll just buy another one."
OK, Richard's team, you're up first.
Mariella, can we have
our first quotation please?
So, who said that? Was it Micky,
Romesh, Mariella, me, or Jessie J?
David.
LAUGHTER
- Without a shadow - David. - What do
you mean, "David without a shadow"?
Do you think I'm a vampire?
LAUGHTER
You're like Peter Pan.
I "sort of" kissed.
I mean, you either kiss or you don't.
You know what I mean?
Sort of kissed?
So that's what makes me
think it's someone
like David.
LAUGHTER
No, I don't mean that in a bad way!
- Can I just take this
opportunity as - As a captain.
- ..as one nerd to another,
to defend David. - Yeah, sure.
Sort ofis good enough.
LAUGHTER
Sort of sort of happens,
and it's a bloody relief.
So I think it's David.
What do you think?
Yeah, OK. OK, fine.
Yeah, well, it is me, so
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Now we know it's you, you can tell us
what "sort of kiss" means. - It was
I kissed a girl on the lips
in a play and I thought, "Oh,
"does this mean I actually kissed
a girl properly on the lips?"
Well, no, it doesn't,
because it was in a story written
by somebody else. She had to.
Next up, it's Micky's team.
Can we have the next quote, please?
Oh, who said that? Was that Richard,
Jason, Mariella, me or Jessie J?
It's not me, because I wouldn't say
"mother", I would say "me mam".
- ROMESH: Don't start this now.
- "Wouldn't say me muther. Me muther."
- Me - "Me muther."
Have you had a stroke?
LAUGHTER
I've seen the advert.
That's sign number one.
"I say muther, muther muther."
That's
All Northern people say muther.
- ROMESH: It sort of indicates
a little but of cruelty. - Yeah.
Because the mother's not
been corrected for a decade.
- What sort of family is this? - I know.
It's not necessarily vindictiveness,
it could be
an opportunity to correct the mother
may never have arisen.
- I think this is something Mariella
might have said. - All right.
- You think it's Mariella?
- I think we're going for Mariella.
- You're right. It was Mariella.
- It was me.
APPLAUSE
And how did that happen?
Single mother, five children,
details.
How was the mistake discovered?
The birth certificate, pulled out
of a cupboard when we were moving
and, "Oh, my God!
"I'm actually 11."
- She was a whole year out? - Yeah.
Well, you would be, wouldn't you?
But did nobody, sort of, early on,
when she was going to school
and stuff like that,
did that not come up?
She was just in the wrong year?
It was Ireland in the 1970s,
what can I tell you?
- Wow. - I tell you what,
worse things were happening.
So two days after she was born,
your mum thought she was
a year and two days?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, I'm afraid that's
all we've got time for.
A quick look at the scores tells me
this week's winners are
Richard and Jason.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Thank you to Micky and Romesh,
Richard and Jason
and to our guest narrator
Mariella Frostrup.
And we leave you with
the words of Barbra Streisand
Well, I say fuck you, Barbra.
Success to me is a diamond encrusted
top hat and a robot butler.
Good night.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
language and adult humour
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to Was It Something I Said?,
the panel show that's all about
everything anyone's ever said ever,
so long as they're famous.
As Churchill stated in 1942
This, in contrast, is not even
the end of the beginning,
but it is perhaps the middle
of the beginning of the beginning.
I tell a lie,
that was the end of the beginning!
On Richard Ayoade's team
is old-dog comedian Jason Manford,
and on Micky Flanagan's team is new
trick but not in the prossie sense,
other comedian Romesh Ranganathan!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And here to read our quotations
is a writer and presenter
who's been quoted as saying
her blond-haired husband
isn't really her type, adding
So, for a while,
Abu Qatada was in the frame.
LAUGHTER
Please welcome journalist
and broadcaster Mariella Frostrup.
APPLAUSE
So, Mariella,
this is a show about quotations.
Do you have any favourites?
Yeah, I quite like the opening line
of Herzog, by Saul Bellow.
"If I'm out of my mind,
it's all right with me."
Well, that makes sense, doesn't it?
Well, I find it makes sense,
don't you? No?
Well, I think many people
who are out of their mind
probably wish they weren't.
LAUGHTER
Maybe the definition of sanity is
being mad in a way you don't mind.
I think the definition of sanity
is to embrace your insanity,
- which is why I particularly like
that opening line. - Yeah.
- You're Norwegian, aren't you?
- Yeah, half.
- AhI'm half Norwegian.
- Are you? - Yeah.
- Which half? - Top half.
- LAUGHTER
- Bottom half.
- OK, maybe we cantransform.
- Or amalgamate.
Yeah. Gosh, that's very forward but,
um
- LAUGHTER
- I'm a modern woman.
Yeah, "amalgamate"
is a very polite word.
Would you mind if we slip off now,
David?
And go off and
- Create a full Norwegian.
- Amalgamate
LAUGHTER
Wow! It's got veryfrank
very quickly.
LAUGHTER
Anyway, our first round
is called Threesomes,
- and I can guarantee
- LAUGHTER
- Jason is not coming. - Whoo!
Jason is not welcome.
LAUGHTER
Our first round
is called Threesomes,
and I can guarantee
that it's going to be as exciting
as a sexual threesome.
That's if you're really into
a quiz about quotations
and you can pretty much
take or leave sex these days.
- LAUGHTER
- I'm going to give both teams
a quotation,
and they have to work out which
of three well-known figures said it.
You can also play along at home
by following @somethingIsaid
on Twitter, to unlock extra content.
The theme of this week's
Threesome is hotels.
And can we have the first
quotation, please, Mariella?
In a moment, I'll give you
three famous faces to choose from
but, before that,
what do you make of this quotation?
Is itNoah?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It rather reduces the Flood to just
a localised flood in their flat,
so they have to move
briefly into a hotel.
And also, sometimes,
before you go on a long trip,
you do want to stay in a hotel
near the ferry,
you know, like a Holiday Inn
or something.
Well, I think
I should narrow down your options.
Was it rock star Alice Cooper,
Justin Bieber, who I believe
is some kind of singer
LAUGHTER
..oror David Attenborough?
I'm thinking not Bieber,
because why would he
He doesn't need snakes and anacondas,
does he?
He needs a watch more than anything.
How many hours late was he
for that gig at Wembley?
- Three, I think. - Was it?
- Three hours, yeah.
I was going crazy, I was
LAUGHTER
I don't think it's Attenborough,
cos if he were coming in the hotel
and he had a load of animals
with him,
you'd just go, "Ah, he probably
knows what he's doing."
- MICKY: You know, I met Alice Cooper.
- Did you?
He's not as upset with his name
as you would think but, uh
And after the show, he said,
"I'm going to go crazy, I'm going
to have a full-fat Coke."
- Oh, right.
- That's how rock'n'roll he is.
I didn't realise
there was so much fat in drugs.
LAUGHTER
I thought it was one of the plus
things, that you might lose weight.
"I'll have the full-fat Charlie,
please!"
"I'm going to have
some really buttery heroin."
LAUGHTER
- I think we Should we go for Alice?
- I reckon Alice. - You reckon Alice?
And what do you reckon?
I mean, let's not be bullied
into making a poor choice. I mean
- Quite. - We're bigger than that.
You might be, I'm going
to go with David Attenborough.
LAUGHTER
I think "all these animals"
is not a phrase that
Yeah, it does sound
a little bit vague.
I don't think
David Attenborough would go,
"And here we are in front of all
these fucking animals."
- OK. Let's go with your choice then.
- OK. Alice Cooper, and it's Alice
- Our choice. We're going Alice Cooper.
- Thank you.
Both teams are going Alice Cooper.
Well, the answer is
David Attenborough.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
His idiom has absolutely let me
down and not for the first time.
LAUGHTER
But, yes, Attenborough spent
the earlier part of his career
travelling the world, collecting
animals for London Zoo,
about which he subsequently
expressed regret, saying
Yeah.
That's what all those DJs
say now, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
Attenborough's snakes went under
the hotel bed, as he said,
but what did
he say went in the bath?
Piss.
LAUGHTER
No.
There would be no need to
piss in the bath,
not unless you were keeping
a tortoise in the loo.
He said he put
armadillos in the bath.
Genuinely, it seems like, early on
his career, David Attenborough went
around bagging animals,
justabroad, found an animal,
grabbed it, shoved it in a bag
I think it's called poaching.
Yeah. I don't know whether
he cooked them or not, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
He's stealing them and going
and making programmes about how
there aren't any animals
left in the wild, well
LAUGHTER
It's not very surprising!
Can you steal an armadillo?
Who would possess it?
He's stolen them from us all,
like people who pick
flowers from a roundabout.
I've never seen any flowers
on a roundabout, cos in the north
it's just surrounded by
"Happy birthday, Sandra" signs.
LAUGHTER
"Happy 24th, Grandma!"
LAUGHTER
Mariella, can we
have our next quotation
on the subject of hotels, please?
Absolutely.
Is this Lenny Henry?
LAUGHTER
No, it is one of David Attenborough,
Justin Bieber
and Alice Cooper once again.
MICKY: I don't think it's
David Attenborough,
it's not the sort of thing
he'd say on Parkinson, is it?
The urban legend about tapeworms
is horrendous, isn't it?
- The one where, to get rid of it
- Oh, don't!
..you pull your pants down and then
you just crouch over some food
and it just crawls out,
"Ooh, I fancy that now" and just
crawls out and has a bit of food.
I saw a bloke doing
that in Greggs the other day.
LAUGHTER
It's weird, because it's
sort of said in a way that.
You know, like, comedians, we often
do, like, do things in three,
so we go two normal things
and then the last one's a joke.
They're just three normal things,
but it sounds like "fleas, lice,
"tapeworm", and they're all the same.
There's no joke there.
That's like one of my jokes.
That's
It's a sentence.
Yeah, the way I like to tell a joke
is for there to be no
surprises within it.
Or humour.
I think that's quite trad, you know,
actually trying to say something
amusing within the joke.
It's actually kind of
pathetic and a bit needy.
- LAUGHTER
- You know what I mean?
- I'm regretting those
tickets for your arena tour. - Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So, Jason and Richard,
who are you leaning towards?
I think it might
be David Attenborough.
- I think
it's Alice Cooper this time. - Oh.
LAUGHTER
- Yeah. - This is getting pretty
awkward. - You say "tomato".
- You also say "tomato". - At least
you can agree on something. - Yes.
- I'm going to go Attenborough.
- They're saying Attenborough. - Yeah.
I don't think it's Bieber because
There's no way he's staying
in a hotel where you can get fleas.
- I think it's - Should we go for A
We think it's Attenborough,
because, you know, it's
the sort of thing that would happen
to him in some far-flung hotel.
OK, well, the answer is
David Attenborough!
APPLAUSE
Just his bad luck to catch all
those off one hooker.
LAUGHTER
Now, the next round
is called keywords.
I'm going to give our panellists
keywords from a well-known quotation
which they should know and they
have to work out the whole thing.
For example, if we gave you
the keywords not, tonight,
and Josephine,
you would know that we had picked
too short a quotation for this
round.
This is from a famous quotation
by Neil Armstrong which you
should all be familiar with.
I will award points to whichever
team is closest
to the exact wording.
As your first clue, Mariella,
can we have two keywords please?
Why, yes, sir. Small and giant.
You are probably thinking, "I
know this one," but I want the bit
after the bit you think you know as
well as the bit you think you know.
What, "Can I come home now?"
People get this quote wrong,
don't they?
Because he actually said
"One small step for a man,
"one giant leap for mankind."
But everybody quotes it as
"One small step for man."
- Because that is a better quote.
- You think that is better?
- One small step - For man?
Do you not think it is better?
No, I think it is better,
"A man".
That is what he said he said.
I know,
he is right to say he said that,
because that would have
been better if he had said that.
I'm not saying whether or not
he said it, what I'm saying is, "One
"small step for a man, one giant
leap for mankind," that means
something.
There is a distinction between
"a man" and "mankind".
Whereas in "one small step for man",
- man in that sense just means
mankind. - Oh, right.
He has just contradicting himself.
"One small step for man,
one giant leap for man."
- Well, which the fuck is it?
- Maybe it
Sir, I'm going to be late
for my next class. Can I go?
There is a story which says
one of the things he said
when he was up there was,
"Good luck, Mr Gorski."
And it was because when he was a kid,
his neighbours were always arguing,
the Gorskis.
And one day, he heard the bloke say,
"Why can't you just give me
"a blow job? Do something I want?"
And she said, "You're not having a
blow job until the kid next door"
Or"There's more chance of you
getting a blow job
"than the kid next door
walking on the Moon!"
LAUGHTER
"Good luck, Mr Gorski!"
I hope it's true.
I like the fact that he might
have worked hard to become
an astronaut purely so his
neighbour could get sucked off.
Can we have another keyword,
please, Mariella?
I don't know, I don't like the way
this game is going. I don't like
the turn it has taken.
There has not been one bloke joke
about sex, making fun of yourselves.
- Yeah, but - They are all about women
not giving blow jobs and hand jobs
- and blah, blah, blah.
- We are our own jokes.
- OK, I'll give you a keyword.
- Yes, please.
You have got to listen carefully.
Because it's very short. Toe.
Toe?
Sorry, I am just trying to
think what
I can do to redress
the balance for womankind and
I'm just not coming up with anything
that I think will be that effective.
No, just carry on as you were, then.
It's been happening for centuries.
Yes. To be honest,
it was pretty optimistic of us
to think that male chauvinism
would end during the show.
Yes.
- Ambitious, even. - Yes. So now,
you have got the third keyword.
What do you think it is?
Er, "One small step for a man,
one giant leap for mankind
"Oh, my fucking toe!"
He might have
hurt his toe? Good answer.
Can they get even closer?
"A small step for a man,
a giant leap for mankind,
"one toe changeseverything."
You are going, "Ow, my fucking toe."
- "One toe changes everything." - Yes!
OK, both plausible.
Mariella, can we have the genuine
quotation from Neil Armstrong,
please?
"..and the surface is fine and
powdery. I can pick it up loosely
with my toe."
The man is wearing great big boots.
He's hardly got a pair
of flip-flops on.
How is he How is he
feeling the earth?
Is he thinking, "Oh, I'll risk death
just to rub my toes in the dirt"?
There is a lot of argument over
whether or not
he said the missing "a".
Earth heard "That's one small step
for man, one giant leap for
mankind."
Armstrong always insisted he had
said "One small step for A man,"
but in 1999, admitted that he
could not hear it either in audio
recordings of the event.
And it was perhaps wiped out
by transmission static.
This has been supported and
rejected by various audio analysts.
So the truth is,
we don't quite know what he said.
But I agree with you,
it's very unclear what he's
going on about with his toe.
Yeah.
Years later, people were meeting
Neil Armstrong and thinking, "Oh,
"he going to have something really
wise to say," and walking away going,
"He was a bit thick, weren't he?"
So at the end of the round,
the teams are tied.
Over the break, see
if you can complete this quotation
from famous playboy Hugh Hefner.
"My best pick-up line is" what?
Tweet your answer to @somethingIsaid
and we'll see
you in a couple of minutes.
APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Was It Something I Said?
Before the break, we asked you
to complete this quotation
from Hugh Hefner.
"You're under contract to me."
LAUGHTER
"Would you like to touch my rabbit?"
LAUGHTER
Do you want to play the game, then?
LAUGHTER
"This is only going to happen once,
I assure you."
And only then because I have taken
the right tablets.
"Do you want to be in Playboy?
"Because I know a playboy who
wants to be in you."
That's good! That is good!
- I think I know the answer to this.
- You think you know the answer?
I think it is, my best pick-up line
is, I'm Hugh Hefner.
Mariella, can we have the full
quotation, please?
Well done.
APPLAUSE
You definitely get the point there.
What does Hefner's third wife
Crystal say about Hef's naked body?
"Fucking hell!"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She might, if she had seen it.
She says, "He doesn't really
take off his clothes.
- "I've never seen Hef naked." - Oh.
A sight too terrible for human eyes.
Up next is a round called
What Are They Talking About?
You're going to hear a quote
that has been taken out of context
and what I want to know is what the
person is talking about?
OK, here's one from
Michael Jackson.
Can we have the quote,
please, Mariella?
Motorised dusters.
A lot of women would
kill for a motorised duster.
You see, when you're talking
about the cliche, Mariella
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Is he talking about the other
Jacksons?
AS MICHAEL JACKSON: Get that dust,
Tito, get that dust, Tito.
Latoya, you missed a bit!
Is it the first draft
for the lyrics to Thriller?
Staff, my staff.
- The staff that I employ.
- Is he talking about monkeys?
And Bubbles, and stuff like that?
Because where the quote
is leading us all to,
is something we don't want to say
about a dead man.
- It makes it sound that there are
little children running around his
house. - Yes, I see what you mean.
They really helped us out with that.
He wouldn't be the dead man of whom
that is now most said, would he?
LAUGHTER
That title has been lost.
That title has been lost to Britain.
Can I just raise one issue
about the face?
Did he not at any point to wake up
and look in the mirror
and go to the surgeon,
"Are you having a fucking laugh?"
"Can you see what you've done?"
Why would you go to a surgeon
and say, "Could you make me hideous?"
Well, you've answered basically,
monkeys. What is your answer?
- I think we should just say working
class people. - Working-class people.
Mariella, can we have the
full quotation, please?
"..They help me dust,
they do the windows."
Well done. It's deer and chimps.
Yes, Jackson had chimps
cleaning windows,
chimps doing the dusting and Bubbles
to help him relax in the bath.
Our next round is the
"Was It Something I Said?" round
in which each team has to work out
who said the following quotations.
It'll be from someone
on the show tonight
or from our virtual guest Jessie J.
Jessie J shaved her head
for Comic Relief, saying,
"If it saves lives, it's worth it."
Adding, "It's hair,
it will grow back."
Or, as a similarly charitable
Bruce Forsyth said,
"I'll just buy another one."
OK, Richard's team, you're up first.
Mariella, can we have
our first quotation please?
So, who said that? Was it Micky,
Romesh, Mariella, me, or Jessie J?
David.
LAUGHTER
- Without a shadow - David. - What do
you mean, "David without a shadow"?
Do you think I'm a vampire?
LAUGHTER
You're like Peter Pan.
I "sort of" kissed.
I mean, you either kiss or you don't.
You know what I mean?
Sort of kissed?
So that's what makes me
think it's someone
like David.
LAUGHTER
No, I don't mean that in a bad way!
- Can I just take this
opportunity as - As a captain.
- ..as one nerd to another,
to defend David. - Yeah, sure.
Sort ofis good enough.
LAUGHTER
Sort of sort of happens,
and it's a bloody relief.
So I think it's David.
What do you think?
Yeah, OK. OK, fine.
Yeah, well, it is me, so
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
- Now we know it's you, you can tell us
what "sort of kiss" means. - It was
I kissed a girl on the lips
in a play and I thought, "Oh,
"does this mean I actually kissed
a girl properly on the lips?"
Well, no, it doesn't,
because it was in a story written
by somebody else. She had to.
Next up, it's Micky's team.
Can we have the next quote, please?
Oh, who said that? Was that Richard,
Jason, Mariella, me or Jessie J?
It's not me, because I wouldn't say
"mother", I would say "me mam".
- ROMESH: Don't start this now.
- "Wouldn't say me muther. Me muther."
- Me - "Me muther."
Have you had a stroke?
LAUGHTER
I've seen the advert.
That's sign number one.
"I say muther, muther muther."
That's
All Northern people say muther.
- ROMESH: It sort of indicates
a little but of cruelty. - Yeah.
Because the mother's not
been corrected for a decade.
- What sort of family is this? - I know.
It's not necessarily vindictiveness,
it could be
an opportunity to correct the mother
may never have arisen.
- I think this is something Mariella
might have said. - All right.
- You think it's Mariella?
- I think we're going for Mariella.
- You're right. It was Mariella.
- It was me.
APPLAUSE
And how did that happen?
Single mother, five children,
details.
How was the mistake discovered?
The birth certificate, pulled out
of a cupboard when we were moving
and, "Oh, my God!
"I'm actually 11."
- She was a whole year out? - Yeah.
Well, you would be, wouldn't you?
But did nobody, sort of, early on,
when she was going to school
and stuff like that,
did that not come up?
She was just in the wrong year?
It was Ireland in the 1970s,
what can I tell you?
- Wow. - I tell you what,
worse things were happening.
So two days after she was born,
your mum thought she was
a year and two days?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Well, I'm afraid that's
all we've got time for.
A quick look at the scores tells me
this week's winners are
Richard and Jason.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done.
Thank you to Micky and Romesh,
Richard and Jason
and to our guest narrator
Mariella Frostrup.
And we leave you with
the words of Barbra Streisand
Well, I say fuck you, Barbra.
Success to me is a diamond encrusted
top hat and a robot butler.
Good night.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE