Watchmen (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

1 (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) Who are you? I'm the one who strung your chief of police up.
ANGELA ABAR: No, you're not.
There's a vast and insidious conspiracy here in Tulsa.
LOOKING GLASS: You was with him last night? - ANGELA: What? - GLASS: The chief.
Was he acting strange? What, are you interrogating me now? Why would I interrogate you? Our chief has been murdered.
Murdered by one of you.
Round them up! (INDISTINCT CLAMORING) Look out! AUTOMATED VOICE: Angela Abar is your granddaughter.
You're under arrest.
MR.
PHILLIPS: I am Dr.
Manhattan.
(SCREAMING IN PAIN) 2ND MR.
PHILLIPS: Should we put him in the cellar with the others, Sir? LORD OF A COUNTRY ESTATE: The basement will be perfect.
We'll have a use for him before too long.
Has it stopped, Master? LORD: No, Ms.
Crookshanks.
It's only just begun.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) (KEYPAD BEEPING) (KEYPAD BEEPING) (BEEPING CONTINUING) AUTOMATED VOICE: Thank you.
One moment while we connect you to the Trieu sat orbital array.
Standby for connection to Mars antenna in five four three two Uplink complete.
You are now transmitting.
Pick up the receiver and begin speaking at any time.
Doctor Manhattan is listening.
Hey.
It's me again.
I've got a joke.
Stop me if you've heard this one.
WOMAN: There's this guy, he's a bricklayer.
He's really good at it.
He's a real master of his craft because he's precise.
Every brick has its place.
Anyway, this guy has a daughter and he's gonna teach her to be a bricklayer, because, after all, all a man has is his legacy.
So Dad decides to build a barbecue in the backyard.
He does the math, he figures out exactly what he needs, and he shows the daughter how to do everything, step-by-step.
And when he finishes, it's a beauty.
It's a perfect barbecue, just the way he drew it in the blueprints.
Only one problem There's a brick left over.
One single brick.
The guy freaks out.
He must've done something wrong.
He's going to have to start all over again.
So he picks up his sledgehammer to knock the thing to pieces and suddenly his daughter says, "Daddy, wait.
I have an idea.
" She picks up the orphan brick and she throws it up into the air as high as she can.
And and Good morning.
How may I help you? And And then she Shit! WOMAN: I messed it up.
Um Okay, uh Forget that joke.
Can I tell you another one? - (GUN FIRING) - (CUSTOMERS SCREAMING) Money from the fucking drawers! Now! Everyone on the goddamn floor! (WOMAN SHRIEKING) Money, fucking now! (SMOKE HISSING) (GRUNTS) (CUSTOMERS GASP) (ROBBER GRUNTING) (YELPS, GROANS) (DART HISSES) Back the fuck off! Release the hostage.
It's over.
How'd you know we were gonna be here? I mean, did you get an anonymous tip? What? Oh shit! What if it was the FBI? Because what you're doing right now? Vigilantism? It's illegal.
So it would be super smart for federal law enforcement to tip you off that this bank was about to be robbed.
Of course, you couldn't know you were being set up.
Otherwise you wouldn't walk right into their trap, right? (SIGHS, CHUCKLES) (MUTTERS): Shit.
(SHOUTS) (GUN FIRING) (VIGILANTE SHOUTS) What? (CROWD CLAMORING) Like I tell your kids, sir, stay behind the barricades! AGENT (OVER SPEAKER): Ladies and gentlemen, please stand back.
This is a crime scene.
- Nice work.
- Give me your cuffs.
(CROWD SHOUTING, BOOING) Hey, Blake.
How'd you know his body armor would stop the bullets? AGENT (OVER SPEAKER): For your own safety and the integrity of the crime scene - MAN: Bullshit! Bullshit! - AGENT (OVER PA): stand back! (CROWD SHOUTING ANGRILY) Hey! Why are you arresting him? He's a hero! AGENT (OVER SPEAKER): Please! Stand back! - (CROWD BOOING) - He's not a hero! He's a fucking joke.
Aah, you fucking pig! (DOOR OPENS) Play Devo.
(MACHINE WHIRRING) (INSTRUMENTAL INTRO TO DEVO'S "MONGOLOID" PLAYING) (MOUSE SQUEAKING) (INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUING) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (KNOCKING) Stop Devo.
(MUSIC STOPS) - Senator Keene.
- Agent Blake.
Sorry to bother you at home.
I left three messages at your office.
- I wasn't at my office.
- Clearly.
I heard you caught The Revenger.
- Congrats.
- Just "Revenger," no "The.
" And I got him last month.
Today was Mr.
Shadow.
Well, shit, Blake.
On behalf of the American taxpayer, thank you for keeping our streets safe from rich assholes playing dress-up.
You're quite welcome.
- May I come in? - You may.
- Can I peek? - Watch your fingers.
(HOOTS) (HOOTS) - What's his name? - Who.
The owl.
"Who," that's his name.
Ask him yourself.
(CHUCKLES) Can you get someone to take care of him while you're out of town? Am I going out of town, Joe? Tomorrow, the deputy director is gonna send you down to Tulsa to take lead on an investigation.
- And you know this? - 'Cause I asked him to.
Uh-huh.
What am I investigating? - Chief of police got hung.
- Hanged.
You knew him? A little.
He was a good man.
His wife ran my senate campaign.
Folks assume the Seventh Kavalry did it.
But that's not what you assume.
7K always takes credit when they kill a cop, but not a peep from them on this.
You think it was a vigilante? - Sure could be.
- Why? Call it professional jealousy.
Vigilantes already see cops as the enemy.
Now they got mask envy on top.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have put the cops in masks, Joe.
It works.
Crime's down 80% in Tulsa since we passed DOPA.
- And other cities - You called it DOPA? The Defense of Police Act.
And it's such a great acronym that other cities wanna jump on board and pilot it.
Atlanta, New Orleans, even goddamn Denver.
Masks save lives.
My reputation, my name is built on that idea.
Now, those cops have kept the peace down there for three years, and now someone's trying to start a war.
And if they do, it all goes to shit.
And you don't get to be president.
You know, Laurie the president can pardon anybody he wants.
Anybody.
He could even get your owl out of that cage.
(SIGHS) Fucking Oklahoma.
BLAKE: Okay.
Forget the brick.
New joke.
Three heroes die, and they all show up at the pearly gates.
God's there to decide what their eternal fate shall be.
Heaven or Hell.
Our first hero is dressed up like a big owl.
And God says to him, "I gifted you "the ability to make fantastic inventions.
What did you do with this amazing talent?" And Owl Guy says, "I made this really awesome flying ship "and lots of cool outfits and weapons, so that I could bring peace to the city.
" God asks, "So how many people did you kill?" Owl Guy seems offended.
"Zero," he says, I didn't take a single life.
" God frowns.
"Sorry, Owl Guy.
"Your heart's in the right place, but you're just too soft.
" And God snaps his fingers.
(SNAPS) And the hero goes to Hell.
DEPUTY DIRECTOR: Seventh Kavalry.
Apparently, it's a Custer's Last Stand thing, but who gives a shit.
They're just the Klan with different masks.
They first popped up after the Victims of Racial Violence Act was passed.
African-Americans come to Tulsa to claim their benefits, they buy land, start businesses.
And we all know how accommodating white folks are when people of color dare to prosper.
But in Robbie Redford's America, the cops protect everybody, so they push back.
They ID everyone in Tulsa who's supremacist-adjacent, search their houses, take their guns even the grandfathered ones.
But obviously, they missed a few What the hell is this? Oh, it's, uh an excerpt from Rorschach's journal.
The Kavalry wears his mask, sir.
I just thought, for, uh, psychological context, - you might want to - Is it the 1980s, Petey? Uh, mm-mm, no sir.
Then who gives a shit about Rorschach? Next slide.
Coordinated simultaneous attacks at the homes of Tulsa PD.
Not just the cops, their families, too.
Only a few survivors, including Judd Crawford.
Couple others get shot and stay, the rest of the force quits.
And there's no way to recruit new cops, because how do you guarantee the Kavalry won't just do it again? Enter Senator Giddyup.
"If y'all can fight fire with fire, y'all can fight masks with masks!" Bright yellow ones.
So, the cops hide their faces, and the bad guys don't know where they live.
And who doesn't want a secret identity.
Right, Blake? Right, boss.
DEPUTY DIRECTOR: Peace returns to Tulsa, until last week.
Cut to: Chief Judd Crawford, in a tree, H-A-N-G-I-N-G.
Lights.
Blake's running point.
Jet's on the tarmac.
You're all wheels up in two hours, - so grab your - No.
Just me.
What? Tulsa PD's never gonna cooperate if an army of suits falls from the sky.
I can point all by myself.
Laurie, you can't go in there alone.
(SIGHS) Fine.
I'll, uh, take him.
(AGENTS MURMURING) (JET ENGINE ROARING) PILOT: (OVER PA) We're beginning our descent into Tulsa.
Agents, please buckle up.
PETEY: I brought one too.
- It's got holes in it.
- Oh, it's not for sleeping.
In the briefing, Director Farragut said uh, I just thought if the police wear them When in Rome, right? Tulsa's not Rome.
And you're a federal agent, not the Lone Fucking Ranger.
Right.
Gotcha.
PILOT (OVER PA): If you wanna take a look out the window, we've got a bird's-eye view of the Millennium Clock.
"Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair.
" What? That's what Lady Trieu said at the groundbreaking for the clock.
A hmm shout out to Adrian Veidt after she bought his company.
They finally declared him dead, but I've got a buddy on the Argentina desk who says Veidt got plastic surgery, and he's now living incognito down there.
You knew him, right? Back in the old days? When he was Ozymandias? (SPITS) - You want my autograph? - What? Well, you've clearly have a hard-on for the past, so, what do you want me to sign? I wrote my graduate thesis on the police strike of '77, when you and your ex were in D.
C.
and by "ex" I mean Dr.
Manhattan, the most powerful being in existence.
Sorry for not pretending that I don't know who you are because we're supposed to leave "famous" people alone, but you brought me here, Agent Blake.
And before I was recruited by the FBI to run the slide projector, I had a PhD in history.
So Please don't treat me like I'm some kind of fan.
Yeah.
I knew Adrian Veidt.
I too am not a fan.
(WHEELS THUMPING) BLAKE: Oh, where was I? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh.
Right, right.
(SIGHS) The pearly gates await our next hero in line for almighty judgment.
Our Hero Number Two is confident he can game this out, because that's his God-given talent smarts.
Some might even say he was the smartest man in the world.
"So, what'd you do with that big brain I gave you?" asks God.
"Well, as a matter of fact, I saved humanity," says Smarty-pants.
"Well, how'd you do that?" asks God.
"Well, I dropped a giant alien squid on New York.
And everybody was so afraid of it, they stopped being afraid of each other.
" "Okay," says God.
"Um" "How many people did you kill?" Smarty-pants smiles.
"Three million, give or take.
But you can't make an omelette without breaking a couple eggs.
" "Christ," God says, "You're a fucking monster.
" "Am not!" says Smarty-pants.
God snaps his fingers.
The hero goes to Hell.
(DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Maybe it's the wrong warehouse? (SPITS) Yeah? Is that what your PhD in history tells you? Here.
Don't eat those.
Wait here.
Oh, uh, right.
Shouldn't I? (ZIP TIES ZIPPING) BLAKE: Hey, there! What are you guys up to? Who the fuck are you? Special Agent Laurie Blake.
Who the fuck are you? Pirate Jenny.
Red Scare.
Wow.
Cool.
Sir, I'm with the FBI.
Are your civil rights being violated? Uh Yes, ma'am.
These people came into my place of business and they just grabbed me.
They didn't read me my rights or Okay.
Sorry, I was just kidding.
I don't care.
Uh, I'm looking for someone named "Looking Glass.
" Is he in there? - (DOGS BARKING) - (NOISY CHATTERING) COP: Shut your mouth, bitch! Shut up! (DOG BARKING) (SHOUTING ANGRILY) COP: Open your mouth.
Looking Glass is in the pod.
Is he expecting you? Boy, I sure hope not.
- (DOG BARKS) - (MAN WHIMPERS) LOOKING GLASS: For the safety of our officers, we're gonna have to put the blindfold back on you before we can send you back.
He's clear.
Take him off the board.
BLAKE: Hey.
I-I know there's a line, but could I go next? - Please don't touch - What does this thing do? - (ELECTRICITY WHIRS) - LOOKING GLASS: It's complicated.
Try me.
It determines and exposes negative cultural biases to which the suspect might otherwise not admit.
- So it's a racist detector.
- That's an oversimplification.
So I'm guessing all these blindfolded gentlemen and ladies out here are suspected Seventh Kavalry? Any of them confess to murdering your chief? Not as of yet, no.
Sorry, I got a seed stuck there or something.
You know, you wear a mirror on your face, people are gonna use it.
Or you could just take that silly mask off, Wade.
Or do you prefer Detective Tillman? Wade's fine.
May I have the control back, please? (CONTROL BEEPS) How may I help you, Agent Blake? Tell me about your chief's autopsy.
Ligature marks, petechial hemorrhaging, combined asphyxia and venous congestion.
Absolutely zero doubt he was hanged.
Was there a tox screen? I'm guessin' you've read the report, so you know there ain't.
Why "ain't" there? No need.
Cause of death is clear.
You're right.
It totally is.
So this raid the other night at the cattle ranch? - I wasn't there.
- Yes, I know.
But the report says you got the location from a suspect here in the racist detector.
It's not a ra If you've read the report, you've watched the tapes.
And if you've watched the tapes, you know he didn't talk.
Oh, you're smart, Wade.
Okay, so who did he give the location to? Sister Night obtained the intel in a secondary interrogation.
Is that Tulsa for "beat the shit out of him"? I did not personally observe any violence against the suspect.
So, this Sister Night would that be Angela Abar? (PEN SCRIBBLING) (SCRIBBLING STOPS) Yes, it would.
Is she around? She took a personal day to work on her eulogy for the chief's funeral.
Jesus.
When's that? In a couple hours.
Well Guess I better change into something darker.
BLAKE: Okay.
We're down to the nitty-gritty now.
One hero left.
God cracks his knuckles, ready to administer the final reckoning.
Now, Hero Number Three is pretty much a god himself.
So for the sake of telling them apart, he's blue and he likes to stroll around with his dick hanging out.
He can teleport.
He can see into the future.
He can blow shit up.
He's got actual superpowers.
So Regular God asks Blue God, "What have you done with these gifts?" And Blue God says, "I fell in love with a woman, I walked across the sun, and then I fell in love with another woman.
I won the Vietnam War.
But mostly, I just stopped giving a shit about humanity.
" God sighs.
"Do I even need to ask how many people you've killed?" Blue God shrugs.
"A live body and a dead body have the same number of particles, so it doesn't matter.
And it doesn't matter how I answer your question, because I know you're sending me to Hell.
" "How do you know that?" asks God.
And Blue God sounds very, very sad when he softly says, "Because I'm already there.
" And so, a mere piston in the inevitable machinery of time and space, God does what he did and what he will do: he snaps his fingers.
And the hero goes to Hell.
- (PROTESTERS SHOUTING) - (DOG BARKING) Y'all are gonna have to surrender any firearms.
- We're, uh, federal off - Give the man your gun, Petey.
Show some damn respect.
(PROTESTERS SHOUTING) (SHOUTING CONTINUES) BLAKE: Angela Abar Laurie Blake, FBI.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Cal.
Hi.
- Do I know you? - No, no, no.
You don't.
I'm sorry.
We've never met, but I heard that you were close with the Crawfords, and I'm here to help.
And I'm hoping you and I can grab some coffee and talk sometime soon.
I'm not a cop anymore.
I retired three years ago.
Oh, I know.
And I totally understand.
You have a family, and it's so dangerous.
Here, let me give you my card.
My pager's on there.
So, please feel free to give me a buzz.
"Anti-Vigilante Task Force.
" You know how you can tell the difference between a masked cop and a vigilante? No.
Me neither.
Again, my deepest condolences.
Bye.
- SERGEANT-AT-ARMS: Ready! Aim! Pull! - (GUNSHOTS ECHO) - Ready! Aim! Pull! - (GUNSHOTS ECHO) - Ready! Aim! Pull! - (GUNSHOTS ECHO) (SHOUTS INDISTINCT COMMAND) (SIGHS) Well Thank you all for being here.
And, uh Thank you for honoring my husband.
He loved this work.
But he loved all of you even more.
Angela I can't think of a better person to speak about Judd before we lay him to rest.
Most of you know the chief and me and I we both were shot on the same night.
- (CLOCK TICKING) - So many others died.
We were lucky.
We knew we might not always be lucky, and we should be prepared.
So we made a pact.
I told him what I would want him to say at my funeral, and he told me what to say at his.
(TICKING CONTINUING) (BREATHES DEEPLY) I'm headin' for the last roundup (TICKING CONTINUING) Gonna saddle old Paint for the last time and ride So long, old pal It's time your tears were dried I'm heading for the last roundup Git along, little doggie, git along, git along Git along, little doggie, git along Git along, little doggie, git along, git along Git along, little doggie, git along Git along, little doggie, git along, git along Git along, little doggie - Git along - (TICKING CONTINUING) I'm heading for the last (TICKING ECHOING) - MAN: Nobody fucking move! - (GASPS, MURMURS) This device is connected to my heart, so if it stops beating, you're all fucking dead! (TICKING CONTINUING) Senator Joseph Keene, Jr.
you are a race traitor and declared open war on the Seventh Kavalry.
Surrender yourself or everyone dies! Hey! What did I fucking say? Hey.
Just take it easy.
I'll do whatever you want.
Okay? Take it easy.
Here I am.
(TICKING ECHOING) - Do not attempt to follow - (GUNSHOT) (CROWD GASPING, SCREAMING) (CROWD MURMURING) (BOMB BEEPING) - Run! - (PANICKED SHOUTING, SCREAMING) BLAKE: Go! Go! Go! Go! (BEEPING QUICKENS) (BOMB BEEPING QUICKLY) (BEEPING ECHOING) (GRUNTING) (EXPLODING) (GRUNTS) Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir (PLAYING ON PHONOGRAPH): So that every mouth can be fed Poor me Israelites, ah Get up in the morning, slaving for bread, sir So that every mouth can be fed Poor me Israelites My wife and my kids, they packed up and leave me Darling, she said, I was yours to be seen Poor me Israelites Shirt them a-tear up, trousers is gone I don't want to end up like Bonnie and Clyde Poor me Israelites After a storm there must be a calm They catch me in the farm, you sound your alarm Poor me Israelites Eee I said I get up in the morning slaving for bread, sir So that every mouth can be fed Poor me Israelites This is going to be the one.
I feel it in my bones.
I never doubted you, Master.
That, Mr.
Philips, is because you are incapable of doubt.
Nevertheless, I appreciate the sentiment.
Oh.
MASTER: Right.
Are you ready to venture into the great beyond? Oh.
Yes, I am, sir.
(OXYGEN HISSING) (BREATHING DEEPLY) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) (SIGHS) (OXYGEN HISSING) (SIGHS) Damn it.
(GROWLING) Damn it.
Damn it! Shit! Fuck! Shit! Shit and shit and fuck! Motherfucking shit! Fucking damn it! And motherfucking shit! (SHOUTS, GRUNTS) What went wrong, Master? I think we're going to need a thicker skin.
(BUFFALO BELLOWING) (GUNSHOT ECHOING) (DOOR SLAMS OPEN) BOTH: For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly (SHATTERS) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) (CLEARS THROAT) I'm so sorry to disturb you, Master.
But there's a letter.
From the game warden.
Read it to me.
Let's see what our adversary has to say for himself.
"Dear Mas" Oh, dispense with the flowery pleasantries and get to it.
"I beg your pardon, sir, but when you first arrived here, we agreed upon the terms of your captivity.
Your recent behavior suggests an intention to violate those terms.
" - Hmm.
- "As such, if this behavior continues, you will face grave consequences.
" He's underscored "consequences.
" - Mm.
- "Know this The next shot I fire, sir, will not be at your feet.
Please consider this your first and only warning.
Thank you again for the delicious tomatoes.
Your humble servant, The Game Warden.
" To the typewriter, Crookshanks! Let's see what this devious cur is made of, shall we? - Oh, yes, we shall, Master! - Mm.
Most Honorable Game Warden.
- (TYPEWRITER CLACKING) - I beg your pardon, sir, but you seem to suspect me of criminal activities as if I were a dastardly forest brigand.
Or worse, some sort of republic serial villain.
I am neither, sir, And I assure you that my activities are purely recreational in nature.
Furthermore, I would never imagine to transgress the terms upon which we agreed.
I am available, at your leisure and by your grace, to discuss this matter further should you wish to repeat your ridiculous accusations in person.
That said, I'm pleased you enjoyed the tomatoes.
All the best wishes and encouragement, Adrian Veidt.
What do you think, Ms.
Crookshanks? Oh, this will have him quaking in his boots, Master! I'll have it sent right away.
Have Mr.
Philips restring my bow and saddle up Bucephalus.
I hunt again at midnight! (THUNDERING) SENATOR KEENE: I am not the hero here.
I'm only standing here talking to y'all right now because of the swift and fearless actions of law enforcement.
They are the heroes.
They kept me safe.
And I'll be damned if I won't keep fighting to do the same for them.
REPORTER: Senator Keene Why do you think you were targeted by the Kavalry? I reckon it's because nothing scares a terrorist more than someone they can't terrify.
Can you comment on the Russians building an intrinsic field generator? KEENE: Guys when they swore me in, I promised to defend us from all enemies foreign and domestic.
But I represent the people of the great state of Oklahoma, and the Russians ain't my problem.
The goddamned Seventh Kavalry is.
Right now, here is where the war's at.
And I won't be leaving until it's won.
Good night and God Bless.
(REPORTERS SHOUTING QUESTIONS) Well, he's got my vote.
Are you even old enough to vote? So, can I get that autograph now or? That was almost funny, Petey.
- You drink any of that yet? - No.
Why? How about that coffee now? Where's it go? (SIGHS) Just outside the fence.
Gotta be 300 meters long.
Must've used some kind've drill to get it done that fast.
Don't rule out extremist gophers.
How are your children? Safe.
(SIGHS) I thought he was bluffing.
Those fuckers always say the device is rigged to their hearts, and none of them actually take the time to do it.
You saved us.
Thanks.
Crawford jumped on the grenade.
I just gave him a little push.
Yeah, well (CHUCKLES) I sure as shit can't exhume him now.
That's not funny.
Sorry.
I wasn't joking.
You guys just scheduled this funeral so fast.
Kinda weird considering it's an active murder investigation by the way, but, uh we were literally gonna dig him up tomorrow.
Discretely, of course.
Why? Your chief was murdered by the Seventh Kavalry.
I get it, there's a history.
But you still have to consider other possibilities, right? For instance, I was at the crime scene earlier, and you know what I saw? Tire tracks, right at the base of the tree.
What kind of vehicle? I'm sorry.
Did I say vehicle? No, no, no.
No, um, it was a wheelchair.
And I get how you guys missed it.
You know, he was your chief, he was your friend.
It's hard to do your job well when you're that close to someone.
That's why I'm here.
Hey, did you know that he had a secret compartment in his closet? - What? - Yeah, I was over there talking to his wife, and while I was there I found this secret fucking compartment.
Isn't that insane? Why were you looking in his closet? Oh.
Well, when my dad was murdered, they found a secret compartment in his closet.
So, you know I always check.
Once in a while, it pans out.
What was in it? You tell me.
What was in it? How the fuck should I know? Well his wife told me that you were the only person in that bedroom since he died.
And frankly, Angela (CHUCKLES) you just don't strike me as the fainting type.
Okay, I'll tell you.
It was a bust, just a big, naked bust.
That's it.
However I think there was something on that bust.
I don't know.
Maybe your pal Judd asked you to get rid of it if something ever happened, or, you know, maybe the two of you were having an affair, which makes no sense because your husband's fucking hot.
But whatever it is, this much I know Men who end up hanging from trees with secret compartments in their closets tend to think of themselves as good guys.
And those who protect them think they're good guys too.
But here's the thing about me, "Sister Night" I eat good guys for breakfast.
Ooh! BLAKE: And so, it's been a long day at the pearly gates.
All the heroes have gone to Hell.
His work done, God's packing up to go home.
And then he notices someone waiting.
But it's not a hero.
It's just a woman.
"Where did you come from?" asks God.
"Oh, I was standing behind those other guys the whole time.
You just didn't see me.
" "Did I give you a talent?" God asks.
- "Nope.
" - (KNOCKING) "None to speak of," says the woman.
God gives her a good long look.
"I'm so sorry.
I'm embarrassed.
Seriously, this almost never happens, but I don't know who you are.
" And the woman looks at God and she quietly says: "I'm the little girl who threw the brick in the air.
" Then a sound from above, something falling.
The brick.
God looks up, but it's too late.
He never saw it coming.
It hits him so hard, his brains shoot out his nose.
Game over.
He's dead.
And where does God go when he dies? He goes to Hell.
Roll on snare drum.
Curtains.
Good joke.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Sorry.
Your time is almost up.
You have 55 seconds to complete your transmission.
(SIGHS) I don't know why I keep coming to these stupid phone booths and telling you jokes.
It's not like you ever had a sense of humor.
You're never gonna hear this anyway probably.
but sometimes it's, you know, it's nice to sometimes it's nice to pretend.
The assholes down here still think you give a shit.
even though you've been on another fucking planet for for 30 years.
(SIGHS) But we're not really worth giving a shit about anyway, are we? AUTOMATED VOICE: Recording complete.
Thank you for being a platinum user of the Blue Booth Network.
Your message will reach Mars in approximately 40 seconds.
Good night, and thank you for contacting Doctor Manhattan.
Good night, Jon.
(WARBLING) (LOW RUMBLING) - (SHATTERING) - (CAR ALARMS BLARING) What the? (LAUGHING) (DOORBELL RINGS) - LADY TRIEU: Hi.
- You're Lady Trieu.
I sure am.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYS) I'm here to offer you legacy.
Legacy as in blood.
MAN: What is that? LADY TRIEU: The first wonder of the new world.
LOOKING GLASS: What can I do you for? He hid it in his closet.
LOOKING GLASS: Looks like we have ourselves a reckoning.
- Are we loaded, Mr.
Phillips? - Yes, sir.
On my mark, Ms.
Crookshanks.
Three, two, one Away! Phenomenal! (MUSIC CONCLUDES)