We Are Lady Parts (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Even though
it didn't work out
with Ayesha's brother Ahsan,
I still had to uphold
my end of the deal.
I would audition with
Lady Parts for Sound Smash.
Someone is fucking out of tune
and it's throwing me off.
You better not be talking
about me, sis.
- Where you off to?
- I've got labs.
Sorry.
So, so sorry.
What's wrong with you?
Where have you been?
Just stuck in labs.
I had to pick all the flower
arrangements without you.
Meanwhile,
I was also helping Noor
plan her engagement party.
It was my sacred duty
as her best friend.
Living two lives
was no mean feat.
Alive.
I had newfound sympathy
for spies and philanderers.
He's alive, he's alive.
Navigating these choppy seas
of deception,
I was master and commander.
All that's left to get
is the rose gold fairy lights,
champagne table covers,
carnation sheer drapes,
brushed gold serving spoons.
Amina?
You getting this?
Got it.
Got it.
- Also, what else?
- We need cake, who's on the cake?
We are.
- Off again, are we?
- Yeah, labs, mad intense.
Babe, we know
what you're doing.
You do?
Obvi, you're
going to see Ahsan.
What?
I really like you, but just,
you know, as a friend.
Oh, shit.
That name,
a bullet in the heart,
a dagger in the clavicle.
Got me.
Well, don't overdo it.
There is such a thing
as being too keen.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ladies.
You tell him we are so looking
forward to meeting him.
Yeah.
I still hadn't told my friends
that Ahsan had rejected me.
They thought I was seeing him,
when actually
Sup, motherfuckers!
Have I got news for you.
So did you get us a slot?
00 p.m.,
Sound Smash audition.
Shit.
That's soon.
Well it's the only slot
they had.
- It's fine, we're ready.
- Uh
00 p.m., Saturday?
Mm, I can't, mm-mm.
- Ugh, Amina.
- What?
It's Noor's engagement party.
I can't miss it.
I'm sorry, I just can't.
Wow, wow.
Relax, breathe.
Just tell her you need
to need to leave early.
I can't.
They don't know about the band.
They cannot know
about the band.
Nice─healthy.
Hey, relax.
We'll pick you up, do a quick
audition, and drop you back.
No one will even know
you're gone.
That.
Maybe I shouldn't
do the audition.
I mean, I could puke.
I always puke when I perform.
What if I puke?
Or worse
what if poo comes?
Poo is not gonna come.
Remember, this is not a
performance, it's an audition.
Big difference.
No crowd.
You'll just play
like you play with us in here.
I had performance anxiety,
Noor anxiety,
living a double life anxiety.
I was in over my head.
Okay.
I think we need to decompress,
hmm?
Get out of Dodge for a bit.
The toxicity of our city ♪
Guys, where are we going?
You,
what do you own the world? ♪
How do you own disorder,
disorder? ♪
Now somewhere between
the sacred silence ♪
Sacred silence and sleep ♪
Somewhere between
the sacred silence ♪
- Where are we?
- Countryside, baby.
Sometimes we like
to kick it in The Shire.
- This is where we unwind.
- Yeah, chill.
- Is it safe?
They wanted me
to get out of my head
and into my body,
release my demons,
unclench my sphincter,
find my Zen.
Come on.
I've got you.
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Sorry, what's going on?
Just relax and lie down,
feel the earth.
Mother Nature says, "Chill."
I had never been
in the countryside before.
Anything outside
London zone five
was foreign terrain to me.
It didn't feel right.
Uh
Whose land is this?
Whose land is this?
Whose land is this?
- Whose land is this?
- Whose land is this?
I mean, someone might own
this land, I don't know.
Just 'cause someone sticks
a flag into something
doesn't make it theirs,
you get me?
This land is ours.
We are Earth's natives.
Our forefathers fought and died
in the white man's wars
for the express purpose
that we would be able
to sit here on this here land
and smoke this here doob.
- Great!
- Mmm.
And just like that,
I let go.
Somehow the band
had got through to me.
And in this green
and pleasant land,
I lay my troubles aside.
Even Ayesha
and I were bonding
- Oi, listen yeah.
- Sort of.
Yes, listening.
Sorry.
I don't mean to be
so hard on you.
You're not a total loser
or a totally shit guitarist.
- Thanks.
- You do get on my tits though.
- Sorry.
- No, it's cool.
It's band life, I guess.
Sorry it didn't work out
with my brother.
- Oh.
- I thought it might.
- Given how wet he is.
- Yeah.
Good chat.
You're alright.
A toast to our newest
band member,
a delightful freak show,
a humble virtue, I say.
A horny reprobate.
And our great new friend.
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Am I really that bad?
That bad?
You're that good.
You gotta own your freakiness
before your freakiness
owns you.
Bring on the audition!
Hey!
This is private land!
Sorry, sir,
this land is our land.
We are Earth natives─
- Run!
- Shit!
Back in the Big Smoke,
and I was feeling different.
Something in the countryside
air changed me.
I figured, maybe it wasn't
such a big deal
to tell Noor about Lady Parts.
I figured wrong.
Hon, it's fine.
You made a mistake.
I'm so sorry, Noor.
I didn't mean to.
What's going on?
Zeyba sent the wrong playlist
to Osmond
for the engagement party.
Oh, so what's the big deal?
She sent her get-pumped
playlist instead
of her get-wed playlist.
It had some
inappropriate tracks.
Inappropriate tracks?
"Sexual Healing."
"Pony."
"Girl I Want
to Make You Sweat."
Babe, you made a mistake.
Sometimes it takes
something like this to happen
for you to understand
your missteps.
Mm-hmm.
The highs of the countryside
suddenly seemed
a distant memory,
and not just for me.
Saira's natural habitat
had been invaded,
and she was confronted by
a new and terrifying obstacle.
Mmm.
A dinner date.
Abdullah, this lamb is sick.
Thanks.
It from to Saira's butchers.
Yeah, it was pretty much
about to go off,
so I got it really cheap, so
Mm-hmm.
Saira and Abdullah were
newly official as a couple,
an item, a thing.
So big day coming up
for you guys, huh?
What?
The audition.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're finally
getting somewhere.
And Taz is making waves
with the whole online thing
too, so
- That's great, baby.
- Thanks.
Saira thought
she could do the whole
girlfriend-boyfriend thing,
but she was struggling
with the reality.
- How's Marnie?
- Good, good.
And she's killing it
in school, crazy smart.
I don't know
who she gets it from.
She hardly ever puts down
that Captain America
shield you got her.
What can I say,
my arrested development
means I buy good presents
for kids.
Mm.
Hey, you'd make a great dad
one day, you know?
Um, Saira, you'd make
a great mum too one day.
This lamb is so spicy.
Would anybody
like so more lamb?
I don't know if it's my bag,
the whole family thing.
You guys are great,
don't get me wrong.
- And Marnie is fucking amazing.
- Thank you.
But I am not convinced
it's quite for me, you know?
Why is that?
I'm gonna go to the toilet.
Well, my parents were trapped
in a loveless marriage
for 30 years,
hated each other.
The only thing good about
my family was my big sister,
but she went and died when
I was ten kind of randomly,
so yeah, don't know.
Jury is still out on the whole
starting a family sitch
pour moi.
I'm just gonna
Wasim!
How the fuck did you not
tell me you had a sister?
I don't know, it's personal.
Plus, she's massively dead
so it doesn't really count.
Sorry, it counts.
That counts.
Look, I'm sorry,
I know it's must be horrible,
but Bisma and Wasim know.
Bisma's my best mate.
So what am I, then?
Okay, so I hadn't told
my friends about the band,
or that Ahsan
wasn't interested,
but I'm a highly
intelligent woman.
I could figure this out.
- Hey.
- Sorry─oh, hey─hey!
How's it─hey.
Oh, no.
Listen, I'm really sorry
about the other night.
I should have been way
more clear after the date.
I'm sorry.
Ayesha told me you were upset.
I was fine.
I mean, I am fine.
There is really
no need to apologise.
- I'm not that kind of guy.
- I'm sure.
Could this get
any more awkward?
Uh-oh.
Hello.
- I'm Noor.
- Ahsan.
- Oh, I know who you are.
- You do?
You two have literally
been inseparable.
- Um
- And I cannot wait
to meet you properly on Sat.
A couple of Imran's cousins
have bailed,
so there's plenty of food
to go around,
in case you were worried.
Also, no dress code.
Maybe smart casual─smasual.
Sound all right?
- S-sure.
- Sounds good.
Perfect.
Well, you two have fun now.
Not too much fun.
- Does she think we're─
- Yes, I know, I'm sorry.
I'm going set her straight,
I just haven't yet,
'cause, I don't know if
being everyone's
favourite loser
is boring.
Am I right? Avoid. LOL.
But yes─no, I will tell her.
I'm so sorry.
- I could come with you.
- What?
If you want.
My way of saying sorry
for misleading you.
And I don't know,
maybe then we can call it even.
Oh, um
Things I thought could
never happen.
Yeah, okay.
One, Ahsan Alkaaf offering
to take me
to Noor's engagement party.
And two
me, Amina Hussein,
rehearsing for an audition
with a punk band?
I'm sorry if I scare you,
I scare myself too ♪
I scare myself too ♪
You find me terrifying,
could it be you know who? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
Voldemort's alive and ♪
Voldemort's alive and ♪
Voldemort's alive and ♪
He's under my headscarf ♪
He's alive, he's alive ♪
Voldemort's alive,
and he's under my headscarf ♪
He's alive, he's alive ♪
Voldemort's alive,
and he's under my headscarf ♪
Does the other head gear
scare you too? ♪
- A hat?
- Helmet?
- Nah, just you.
Does the other head gear
scare you too? ♪
Hats?
Helmets?
What could I be hiding? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
What could I be hiding? ♪
Voldemort's alive and ♪
Voldemort's alive and ♪
Voldemort's alive and ♪
He's under my headscarf ♪
He's alive, he's alive ♪
Voldemort's alive
and he's under my headscarf ♪
He's alive, he's alive ♪
Voldemort's alive ♪
And he's under
my headscarf ♪
Are you Hufflepuff?
Are you Gryffindor? ♪
No─Slytherin!
I'm fucking Voldemort ♪
Voldemort, Voldemort,
ooh Volde- Voldemort ♪
Playing with Lady Parts
was actually kind of fun.
I never thought I'd say it,
but bring on the audition.
Voldemort ♪
- The day had finally arrived.
- Hmm.
A light schmoozing at Noor's
engagement party with my fake man,
get some kudos, why not?
Followed swiftly by an epic
audition with Lady Parts.
What could possibly go awry?
So this Ahsan
is interested in you?
Sure.
I thought it best not
to divulge details to Mother.
You know how she gets.
- Are you dating?
- God, no.
You know what I mean,
the halal version,
mutually interested
in a more-than friendship,
but strictly nonsexual way,
or whatever you kids call it.
He's just a friend.
We're going as mutual friends.
Right.
Mini, you know
you can tell me things.
Sure.
Shit.
Wow, okay.
Salaam, Aunty.
Right back at you, sweetness.
Inappropriate.
Hmm.
- Yeah, after you.
- Thank you.
- This is very weird.
- Yeah, it is.
Thanks for not
telling your sister.
Yeah, it's cool.
At the event,
do you mind not mentioning
the audition or the band
to anyone ever?
Yeah, sure.
Sure.
If you could maybe just say
you go to Friday prayers
at your local mosque,
just in case they ask.
- Sure.
- Great.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
I've seen a rom-com
with this sort of story line.
Debra Messing hires
a male escort, Dermot Mulroney,
to go with her to her
half-sister's wedding
'cause she wants
to get to her ex-boyfriend.
Right, so I'm the male escort
in this scenario?
It's a rubbish film,
just awful.
Like, 11% fresh rating
on Rotten Tomatoes,
like, terrible.
I'm just messing.
Mutual friends.
Just two mutual friends
going to an engagement party
mutually.
Not weird at all,
totally normal.
Hey, welcome.
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, so all the men
are over there.
Imran.
Imran.
- Salaam, Amina.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- So Imran, this is Ahsan.
Salaam, brother.
How are you both?
Well.
- Very well.
- Well.
Well, you've been getting
to know each other well.
Yeah, very well.
Not like that.
Yeah, well.
Museums.
Sorry?
We really like
going to museums.
- Oh.
- Tate, National Portrait
- Science Museum.
- Very cultured.
- Mm.
- And the mosque.
Oh, which mosque
do you go to?
Just a local one.
End of the road.
Ye olde local.
- Who is your imam?
- His name is
- Imam Inunzimam.
- Mm.
He's a new guy,
you know, beard.
Wears a beret.
Oh, hip.
- Very hip.
- So shall we?
This was a favour.
He was just doing me a favour,
but I couldn't help
but be a little distracted.
She's not answering.
They're not gonna
wait for us.
Guess we're waiting here, then.
You reeled
in a real nice catch.
Mashallah. Mubarak ho.
So come on, spill.
How'd you get Al Dreamy, huh?
Do you think he had
Ugly Duckling syndrome?
What?
You know,
he was a fat kid growing up,
then lost the weight,
got really buff,
ugly duckling no more,
boom, swan, you know?
So he doesn't really know
what league he's in.
- Excuse me one second.
- Bye.
Male escort
reporting for duty.
Oh, I think I saw your
beret-wearing imam friend.
He just cycled past,
carrying some baguettes.
Oh, I see how it is.
More of a sausage fest
than I was expecting.
Where are the woman folk?
What the
What are you doing?
Thought you friend zoned her.
No, no, he came with me.
What?
Whatever, we've gotta go now.
Uh, I'm sorry, miss,
this is a private event.
You need to leave.
Last time I checked, ma'am,
this was a free country.
No, this is Saira,
my mum's sister's
sister-in-law's sister?
Yes, a family emergency.
Oh, no,
not a family emergency.
Oh!
She doesn't look
like your relative.
I was adopted.
I'll be right back.
- Amina!
- Right back, promise.
Okay, sorry we're late,
traffic was appalls.
20 minutes late.
You don't have time
to sound check.
No sound check, just go.
Saira, sorry.
I can't, I can't.
I've never been a pub before.
I think I'm getting drunk
on the booze fumes.
No, relax.
You can do this.
Okay.
Trust in yourself, man.
You're a great guitarist.
This was not a gig,
just an audition.
Not a gig, just an audition.
Ready?
Why won't you love me? ♪
Why won't you text me back? ♪
Leave me on read ♪
Ghost me like I'm dead ♪
Are my clothes too tight? ♪
But ♪
You say I'm not polite,
I say fuck you very much ♪
Bashir with a good beard ♪
Amina, come on!
For fuck's sake,
play something.
Nothing would move.
It was though gravity was
crushing me down into stasis.
At least I wasn't puking,
right?
Sorry, we're having
a bit of a technical
Technical?
Your guitarist isn't playing.
She's nervous.
It's fine, we'll try again.
One, two─
Yeah, that's not
how it works.
- Next band, please.
- Wait, no, sorry, we're ready.
We've worked
really hard for this.
- All the bands work hard.
- Come on, please.
Listen,
we're only gonna put on
the very best unsigned bands
in the country, okay?
If you have any kinks
you need sorting out,
I suggest you do that
before you step on my stage.
Next band, please.
And just like that,
it was all over.
What had I done?
I
Nice one, mate.