We Might Regret This (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

Beep-beep! Ty, can you not make
the sounds, please?
I'm actually going to head out and
get some food. I'm kind of wiped.
You can't do that, Jo,
you've got to stay with me.
But not like ALL the time.
Yeah, all the time. That's the job.
Hey?! Did I ask for a food van?
Jo, what you doing? Can't believe
you haven't been up here.
He could be living under
a fake identity.
You had two boys.
Two little tiddlers.
Yeah, Levi's, erhe's doing great.
OK, you got me.
My mum left us when I was ten.
I knew it.
This is a bad idea.
We'll agree to disagree.
Ty, let's go, like let's not
Oh, my God, this is incredible!
Yeah! Yes!
OK, even I didn't know
you could look THAT good!
You nailed your first job. Yeah!
Yes.
And there is only more
where that's coming from.
I would like a divorce.
Please.
It's no big deal. Yes, it is.
Literally everyone does it.
Not in this way, and I've only ever
had PAs do it before,
not friends, so
Come on, I've changed
a bunch of shitty diapers before.
Yeah, you know, I don't really love
being compared to a baby.
So, remember, you basically just put
it in and give it a swirl.
I know! I've done my training.
I am certified.
I know what I'm doing.
OK.
JO CLEARS THORA
OK.
Um Swirl Oh.
Other hole. Yeah, sorry.
There it is.
And
..swirl.
Yeah? Yes. Thanks, yeah.
JO QUIETLY RETCHES
Are you gagging? No.
CONTINUES RETCHING
You are, you're gagging!
No, I'm not. I'm sorry!
This is SO humiliating!
No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
No, get me out of here.
I just Um Er
Just put your finger in my ass.
This was a bad idea.
No, do it! For equality's sake.
OK
JO EXHALES
BOTH GRUN
You pee in the shower, don't you?
I do pee in the shower.
I'm peeing right now.
Right
Your pubic mound is my Everest,
baby.
SHAVER WHIRS
OK, but I want it to say "panache".
Got it - less mullet,
more curtain bangs.
Be ready for your big day out.
What about a centre parting?
Are you still up
for that exhibition this morning?
Apparently it's very dick-heavy.
Oh, I adore the morning wood,
you know that.
Special delivery! Ooh, sorry.
Oh. Your chair's here!
Whoops! OK.
Be careful. Sorry, clear that.
Is that my shirt?
And glasses?!
Sweet new ride. Want to get in?
Um
Maybe later. Right.
Wecruise around those galleries
today.
Yeah. Almost done.
You want me to do the back?
So is this a bad time?
Well, II need to, er
I need to get changed, so
Oh, does that mean Oh.
What did I tell you about subtext?
Huh?
I am notBritish.
Where are you taking that?
I haven't decided yet.
HE TUTS
Here I come.
Oh.
I used to fantasise about this.
When you were in Canada.
Mmm. Me too.
It's a new era, isn't it?
Electric chair. We should celebrate.
It's a power chair, though, darling.
Unless you're Texan.
Well, then, maybe
IN TEXAN DRAWL: ..I should find us
some peach cobbler
and we can add that to the
celebratory dinner -
what do you say, little miss?
Can I ask you something?
I've never been onstage. Not once.
Do you ever feel like
when we're
..when we're in public, um
..how do you feel about being
seen with me?
Because you're young and fit
and all the older women get jealous?
No.
Because I'm a wheelchair user.
Honestly?
Just proud.
I feel proud to be with someone
who is so intelligent, kind,
witty,
creative
and sexy.
And chair is part of that.
It's part of you.
And I fucking love
every single part of you.
But people that don't see that?
I think, fuck 'em. It's their loss.
You've lost nothing.
MUSIC: Heels
by Billy Nomates
# I do not do heels
# Oh,
and the climate ain't right #
Whoa! Jesus. Fuck!
I told you, stalking isn't my thing.
This is my family home.
And if anything, you're stalking me.
What are you doing here? Well, since
you refuse to go on a date with me,
I have decided to bring
the date to you.
Had to guess your coffee order
but everything about your vibe
SCREAMS black americano
with a dash of oat.
I actually like almond milk better.
ABE WHISTLES HAPPILY
Ooh!
You good?
Great. Yeah. You?
Yeah. Look after her.
That's really patronising.
Hey.
Some of us have actual work
to get to. Yeah, me too.
The family of mice in the van aren't
going to move themselves, are they?
Freya?
I feel like you should name it.
Ooh.
What about Chair,
but you pronounce it Cher?
You know, like Sonny and Cher.
Oh
What about Chair-kira?
OK
Got it.
Yeah, I think I'm in.
And we're locked in.
Ooh! There's lights!
Very high-tech.
OK. Yeah?
Yeah. Shall we give it a whirl?
Uh-huh.
Go on. Whoa! Whoa!
LAUGHING: I got it, OK!
The thing goes really fast!
Oh! Oops! Shit.
Take it on. Thanks. Go.
Woooo! Oh, Jesus!
CHUCKLING
SQUEALING
Steer, I got you.
Woo!
Ziggy-ziggy-ziggy.
It's going to be great for
the limbo. And power naps.
Can you just, um,
can you get me out, please?
Come on! Let's take Chair Danes out
for a spin!
Just Come on, let's take her out.
Jo, I told you,
get me out of this, please.
Jesus.
LOW WHIRRING
OK.
What happened?
Nothing. I'm just tired.
Just give me a few minutes.
OK
Do you even want me in here, or not?
I'm good. Thanks.
Ah, take a seat. Thank you. Thanks.
Oh, is that an artwork
or is it just lollipops?
Lollipops.
So, what brings you here today?
Thought it might be a little bit
novel, or illuminating,
I don't know, um,
to chat some things through
as we finalise our divorce.
Um, there are a few contentious
points that come up
that we can't quite agree on.
How long have you been separated?
Around 13 years. 14 years.
Oh. Why divorce now?
Because he wants to get remarried.
And is that a source of tension?
No, not at all.
No, she's absolutely fantastic.
I really like her, she's
I mean, she is half his age
but then she uses a wheelchair,
so, you know,
swings and roundabouts.
That's I'm joking.
That's a joke. I'm joking.
I'm joking! I thought
I thought it was funny,
it wasn't funny. I'm sorry.
She's a lovely, lovely human being
and, um,
she's also a very talented artist.
And they're a great couple and
I sincerely wish you all the best.
So I'm sorry. Fuck.
Thank you, Jane. Fuck. I'm sorry.
I'll tell you
what I do find wearying, though,
is, er, a newly acquired enthusiasm
for communicating every single
recently identified emotion.
We'd been together since we were 18,
I know him inside out.
I know what he's thinking just
from the way he's shaking his leg.
I-I would like to go forward,
you know, more objectively
and fact-based
True to form?
Um, yeah.
And I, er, not being a clairvoyant,
um - less able to read
Jane's mind,
or indeed any of her appendages
so, yeah, I thought it might be
helpful to come along
and chat about things and try
and see things
through a slightly more emotional
lens. Sorry.
What would you say that the main
sources of conflict are, right now?
TOGETHER: Our assets.
Nice doodles.
Stop flirting with me,
I'm trying to work.
The only main asset, if you want to
call it that,
is the house, which obviously
I'm keeping hold of and
So this is the
this is the, er, issue.
The house,
"Which obviously I'm keeping".
You're justyou're just going
to keep the house, are you?
What, the house that was our family
home? The house that I have raised
our son in, alone,
for the past 15 years.
Alone?! Serseriously?!
We always said that we were going to
sell the house when Levi moved out.
And he's currently sleeping
on your sofa -
he's not exactly on his feet, is he?
And what would you prefer happened
to the house, Jane?
Sell it, obviously.
Or failing that,
Abe should buy me out.
Er, yeah, great.
Perfect, perfect solution. Yeah.
IN STRONG AMERICAN ACCENT:
You want cash or card?!
OK, so now he's joking
in an American accent.
That is his entrenched
dysfunctional pattern.
Sorry for the accent. It's just
IN STRONG AMERICAN ACCENT: ..it
ain't going to hap.
I'm doing it again, sorry.
It's not going to happen, OK?
I'm just Do you even know
how much that house is worth today?
I mean, I don't have that
kind of cash. Does anyone?
So you've fallen out of love with
gentrification today, have you?
I am I'm genuinely astonished
that you would have thought
I-I was just giving you the house.
Do you have any emotional connection
to the house?
I know
it's a very difficult decision.
But I think it's the right one.
Wow, actual deja vu.
That's a littleverbatim,
what she said the day she left.
When you separated?
Thank you When she left us, yeah.
Now, Doc, what do you think?
Does someone need a lollipop?
It's fast shaping out to be
my perfect morning.
I said I'd be home by one o'clock.
Can I jump in and get a lift?
JANE LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY
Yeah, that's a yes.
For fuck's sake.
I can feel her analysing us
from the window.
Empaths do not live
in a house like that.
DOORBELL
Yeah, come in, come in, come in.
Oh, shit. Builder?
Baker. Baker.
Yeah. Er, Baker's my name.
Oh. Yeah.
Patisserie route felt too obvious.
So You're Freya?
Sometimes.
Er, wait here, please.
OK, time's up, dudette.
Builder's here.
And his name is Baker.
What, already? Where's Abe?
Come on. Let me get you up.
No, I'm waiting for Abe.
We're doing this together.
So Come on, Freya. You can't just
like Cleopatra all day
and wait for your servants
to come and wait on you.
I mean, why not?
Sounds kind of chic to me.
Not the servants part.
It's been fucking hours.
We've missed the show.
Why are you being so flaky?
I'm the flake?! I mean, it's not
like you stick to YOUR plans.
What's THAT supposed to mean?
Last year.
Last year?! What the f?
Jesus Christ.
What is wrong with you?
It's almost like you're trying to
pick a fight with me.
Jo, just bring him in here.
Fine.
Her Highness awaits you.
Hey. Hi, Freya.
I'm so sorry,
I don't know where my partner is.
He's obviously running late.
Can we just wait till he comes?
Yeah, absolutely.
I'll justI'll wait out here.
No problemno problem at all.
Respectful distance. OK.
Everything all right?
Yeah, yeah, I just
I forgot you drive like you
..like you've got an open coffin
on the roof.
40mph is the limit,
not the goal.
How's work?
It's fine, thanks, it's good.
Taken a bit of a step back actually,
you know, it's Oh.
Want to do a little bit less. Well,
I want more time with Freya,
you know. Just
Wow. Yeah.
How noble.
Would like Freya to settle in
properly, so To be around.
So you decided to earn a bit less?
It's not about money, Jane.
It's about time.
You know? That's my
..that's the point
I was trying to make with Dr Roscia.
For the avoidance of doubt,
I would still like my half
of the house in money, please.
This is interesting.
Doorframe? Yeah.
Yeah, my partner did that
so my chair would fit.
Oh. Sweet gesture.
Mm. Terrible technique.
True.
Oh, you can perch here, if you want.
Huh? Oh, no, that's all right,
I'll justI'll wait out here.
No, I mean, really, there's loads of
space in here, I don't mind at all.
No, no, it's important for me
that you feel comfortable in my
presence so I feel comfortable.
Work had us go
on a course on sexual harassment.
Itit was eye-opening.
I bet.
Er, was it just the kitchen the
we were going to have a look at
when he gets back?
I mean, yeah, to start.
Er, I If you want to check
it out, it's down the corridor.
Yeah?
Round to the left. Yeah.
I mean, I'd love to get
those like lowered units
so I can reach to the backburners
because I adore cooking.
Hey.
And if I could get like a quote
for the lift as well?
I know they're super expensive and
we're going to have to prioritise.
Dexterity-wisecan you do this?
No, I can't do that for shit.
I mean, I'd like to get
automated blinds,
but it's not really urgent, so
Isn't it?
You know, to me,
a house isn't a home
until you can make it work for you,
you know?
Right, I mean, I'd LIKE
to be able to, at some point.
I mean,
I don't always have bed days.
Hey, no judgments here.
No judgments.
Mymy mum had chronic pain,
so she spent most of my childhood
in bed.
A high priestess issuing commands
from her chamber -
I feel right at home.
THEY CHUCKLE
Yeah.
Was that all right, me sharing
something personal about myself -
did that make you feel
more or less comfortable?
You're good.
CLATTERING
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY
SHE SIGHS
I knew you'd come around.
This isn't a date. No.
It's just two people who fancy
each other having a cup of tea.
Dude, I'm bored as shit.
Do you want to play a game?
Truth or Dare?
What are we, 13?
Truth.
Where were you before you came here?
Freya's crotch, mostly.
France.
Dare.
Chug one of those warm beers.
I don't drink. Truth.
Why are you here NOW?
You don't drink? It's my turn.
Answer the question.
I'm here to help Freya. Is that it?
Truth. Why don't you drink?
Meds. Dare.
Flash the next person
who walks past.
Hey, kid! Titties.
Ungrateful little shit.
Yeah, that's a shame, that.
Could have been an important
core memory for him. Truth.
Why do you still live
with your parents?
Because I had a breakdown
in Indonesia
and now everybody's very worried
about me.
Truth, do you think about me
as often as I think about you?
Truth.
How often do you think about me?
Not that much.
Dare. Leave me the fuck alone.
IMITATES WATER DRIPPING
Incessant drip.
So good at that.
Hope it's not annoying.
So, what is it, this thing you've
got to get home for so quickly?
Oh, it's nothing. Just have an
appointment.
Just got a builder come Or a
modifications guy coming round
for some quote What, a bui?
What, today? You've got a builder
coming round today?!
A modifications guy.
Yeah. Justjust for a quote.
We're just going to do some minor
changes to the house.
Like what? Like alike a ramp up
to the front door kind of thing?
Yeah. No.
Adapting the kitchen a little bit,
you know, just the And, um,
and maybe widening
a couple of doorframes.
I'm sorry,
but I don't know why you bother.
Freya can only use the ground floor.
You're just living on one floor.
I don't know why you even need
the rest of the house?
For the time being she can, yeah,
but, you know, that
..that might change. What? How?
I don't know, later on we might
..we might talk about, you know,
putting in a lift.
What did you say? Huh? Lift?
Are you putting in a lift?
I didn't say putting in, I said
We're talking about selling
the house and Are you installing
a fucking lift?!
Not installing anything.
We're getting quotes!
You're ripping in half the house
that we co-own, without my consent?!
Quotes! You are unbelievable!
Oh, come on. I I don't know why
we even go for these conversations,
when you're just going to do exactly
what you want anyway.
The arrogance of it. Ugh!
Freya needs an accessible home!
Don't make me feel like a prick.
If she needs an accessible home, why
you don't sell ours and buy her one?
Because I don't want
to lose my home! I've earned it.
I stayed, OK?
You're the one who upped and left.
OK. So you want to be paid
for parenting in-house?
I don't want to be paid
I'll tell you what's actually going
on here ..anything.
What's actually going on, you are
charging me I don't see why
I should now leave the place
..over £800,000 ..that was
a sanctuary for my son
when you were never there.
..for no longer wanting to
sleep with you any more
Someone had toparent
our fucking son!
Get out the car.
I'm not getting out the car, Jane.
Get out the fucking car. You said
you were going to take me home.
Abe, get out the car
before I lose my fucking mind, Abe.
SCREAMS: Get out the car, Abe!
I'm sorry, what was that?
Don't worry, I'll just get out
the fucking car, shall I?
And, listen, um,
hey, thanks for today.
It's been really helpful.
TYRES SQUEAL
Hello, man. Er, Abe?
Er, no, absolutely not.
PHONE VIBRATES
Right. Never mind.
Um, and lift-wise. Um
Well, it all depends
on whether you've got
a solid, load-bearing wall.
Like a lot of these Edwardian homes,
they've got a little bit of, um
Yeah, sorry, Baker. I just, er,
want to wait for my partner.
It's technically his home. So
Er
Respectful distance.
YOU live here now?
Sure.
So fuck "technically".
I'm here to make this house work
for YOU.
I guess I just thought I would be
doing this Him and I, you know?
Yeah, I respect that.
My wife watches an episode
of Housewives without me,
forget about it,
I'm in a bad mood all week.
You watch Housewives?! Yeah.
It's cinema.
I even bought a case of Ramona's
wine last week! I don't even drink.
Baker, Baker, Baker.
Pass me my laptop
and get over here, bud.
Oh, no, II can't. Oh, OK.
Well, I respect your loyalty
to your wife.
Fuck that. No, I'm three episodes
down. No, double bill me
and everything, you know, it's just
respectful distance and all of that.
OK. I feel very un-harassed.
In fact, I would feel more harassed
if you didn't watch the shit
out of that show with me.
I'm down, sister. Let's go.
OK. Whatever you can.
Tow truck's going to be an hour
at least.
An hour?!
Great.
That's perfect.
I told them to take their time.
Just, I can't believe that you've
got a fucking builder round.
I mean, that was shitty
without telling me.
Listen, what I said in the car
It's fine.
I can't afford to buy you out.
Yeah, I'm getting that.
IMITATES WATER DRIPPING
Yeah, I don't think
I can just sit here and wait.
I have to put her first.
I'm sorry, Jane.
Fucking Tube's that way, isn't it?
PROGRAMME PLAYS ON LAPTOP
She soured my experience for like
the whole 13 seasons.
Dorinda would never have stood
for that.
Do you see what I'm saying? Oh,
Dorinda is so old-school, though.
I think they'll bring her back.
Well, did you watch Girls Trip?
Because
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, because
JO CLEARS THROA
Yeah.
PROGRAMME CONTINUES ON LAPTOP
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Yeah, no, it's all above board.
Um, respectful distance.
We're just waiting.
Sorry, Bakes, would you mind just
giving me a minute with my PA?
No problem.
I'll get the kettle on.
PROGRAMME STOPS
Are you going to tell me why you've
been acting weird with me all day?
Why do you care? If I'm here,
you have just less to do, right?
Because you're hiding something!
Stop overanalysing me!
It's not your job.
Job?! Yeah.
OK, fine. If it's my job,
then it's time to get the fuck up!
Jo, what the fuck?! Get up! Up!
Fuck! Get up! Hey, hey, hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Respectful distance.
Get out!
Gladly.
Sorry, Baker.
What are you doing in my bedroom?
It's not your bedroom.
It's Sam's, actually.
You know, we were actually like
quite a catalogue family once.
I mean, we were literally
in a catalogue once.
A very cringe catalogue.
It was really embarrassing.
Mum and Dad in cable knit.
Sam and I were in dungarees
or something.
Sam was my brother.
The one who? Yeah, yeah.
Aneurysm just
IMITATES EXPLOSION
Jesus. I'm sorry.
What, that I was a child model?
Or that I've got a dead brother?
Obviously the child model bit.
Mm-hm.
Mum took off shortly afterwards.
Couldn't really handle it.
And funnily enough,
it was around then
that I started developing these very
gorgeous mental health issues.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Truth. Why are you really here?
Um, because this is my bedroom.
No, no, no, I mean, like, why are
you really here, in our house?
I don't buy
that it's just because of Freya.
Fuck you. No, Jo, Jo, Jo, please.
Jo, Jo. Jo. I'm here because
I have nowhere else to go, OK?
Um, if you're going to stick
around
..could we please do
a little bit more kissing?
My mum had one of those.
No way. Mm-hm.
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
She loved it.
How many doughnuts can you do?
Um, I actually haven't
taken it out yet.
And I feel
really, really weird about it,
but I've been bullshitting
my best friend all day.
This chair's been a month
in the making.
And
Seriously, I like arrived,
got it fitted and I was so excited.
But I got in it and it just
..somehow it just made me feel
more disabled.
Hmm.
You know what I think?
I think it looks
like a fucking motorbike.
She's a killer.
Have you named her yet?
My mum's was called Doreen.
Doreen!
You know, I can actually picture her
drinking a G&T, wearing pearls.
HE CHUCKLES
Edna?
Edna.
Yeah! I like it!
New Housewife.
Oooh! Oooh! Right?
Since my accident,
I've needed someone
to wheel me around everywhere.
So it's been 15 years
since I've been out alone.
Hey, can I, um, ask you to help me
with something?
Yeah.
All right.
Just there? Yeah hand on here.
OK. Oh
ABE: Freya?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck. Jo! Fucking hell.
Jo!
What the fuck are you doing? Jo!
Are you escaping your own house?!
Yeah.
Jo!
Yes, I'm coming!
What the? Jo!
Yeah, hey, what? I'm here.
What's up?
What's up?
Where's Freya?
Er
Shit.
# Anything that's wronged me
# Anything that made me secondary
# So many of them clearly
# Liked the idea of me in theory
# I shrunk, moved and changed
# And still, you felt the same #
ENGINES RUMBLE
HORNS TOOT REPEATEDLY
# Prioritise pleasuring me
# No need to wait for bended knee
# I'm free
# So I'm breathing in
# One, two, three
# Prioritise pleasuring me
# No need to wait for bended knee
# I'm free, I'm free #
SHE SQUEALS