Welcome to Flatch (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1 - Shh, shh, shh.
- Okay, crazy alert.
Right in this store behind us right here Is one pair of Nike Vaporfly Elite Flyprint 3D sneakers.
- Can you believe it? - The exact same shoes that Tony Hawk wears to walk his dogs are sitting on a shelf right now between a pair of orthopedic nurses' shoes and those sandal things that old ladies can fit their feet into if they have hammer toes.
Well, hey They came in the bottom of a box of socks into the store.
- Yeah.
- Total mistake.
Those shoes are worth, like, $2,000.
Guess how much Mr.
Perkins is selling them for? $100.
All we need is $100 and we'll be walking like the Hawk-King.
And Shrub and I wear the exact same size shoe, so we're gonna switch off wearing them every other day.
- My God! - Shoo! get out! And don't come back! - You're a wicked man.
- Wait! Where's my shoe? Perkins! My shoe is still in there.
You stole my shoe! What the hell? Oh, ew, ew! - I stepped in old man spit! - Oh! I stepped in old man spit, oh! - Gettin' our garage sale on! - Hey, hey! We're gonna make a fortune.
We brought out all our best stuff, so come on in.
Check it out.
Super cute.
These were my best friends growin' up, so gonna make some kid really happy.
Don't touch that! Put it down! Okay, everyone under seven, out! - Get out! - Not allowed! Not allowed! Go, go, go, go, go! Hey, how much is this? Oh, you have very good taste, my friend.
I went through a pirate phase in high school after Kelly and I watched, like, a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon.
I-I dressed up like Jack Sparrow for a while.
But, uh, then, like, a bunch of jocks beat me up for wearing mascara.
Um, yeah, but during that time, I was able to make a bunch of treasure maps of our town.
"Yar lies Colonel Flatch's treasure of gold.
" I-is this real? Hell yeah.
Did you ever dig up the treasure? No, Levi, I-I'm a very busy guy.
Can I buy the map? I'll give you $5.
It's my whole allowance.
Friggin' sold, my man! Happy hunting! I'll give you 10 cents for the cat.
[BLEEP.]
, Len.
Okay, this is pure china.
It says China on the bottom, even.
Also, there's sentimental value there, so 20 bucks.
Forget it.
I hate cats anyway.
I just wanted something to prop open the bathroom door.
Ew.
Cats rule, okay? And normal people close the door when they go to the bathroom.
They don't prop it open, disgusto! Ever thought that's why you live alone? Start closing the door when you do gross stuff! Um, I got another email from Jimmy over at the Pockton Gazette.
Another riddle.
"What do you get when you cross two rival newspaper editors?" Do you think that means he's asking me out? 'Cause I think he might be.
Or it's a death threat.
Ah, it's so hard to tell these days! Hey.
You need to make the font on the paper bigger.
I lost my reading glasses and I don't want to buy another pair.
Hi, Mandy.
What's up? I just told you.
- Oh, is that why you came by? - Yeah.
Oh, wait.
Can I ask you a question? Hey, I are you single? I'm flattered, but I don't do redheads.
- Y'all are bad luck.
- What? No.
Um, look, there's this guy who's been emailing me, and I think he might want to ask me out.
But, um, I'm not really sure if I'm ready to start dating again.
Listen, just shut that all down.
Get out there! You're at your peak.
I get it.
It ain't easy.
The men, and even some of the women I've got my eye on, they think I'm out of their league.
They are correct.
But they're intimidated by my wit and my sexy charm, you know? It ain't easy bein' a smart woman these days.
Yeah, I hear ya.
You see, you and me, we're a couple of filet mignons in a town of hamburgers.
And see, that's the type of wit that scares 'em off! You get it! Come on, you get it! Come on! Yeah! Strong! Back at ya, professor.
Yeah, you stay strong too.
Garage sale was a bit of a bust.
So I'm taking it on the road.
Father Joe is totally gonna want to buy this Bible that my dad stole from a motel when he was in Cincinnati.
Worst party ever.
All right.
Nice work, Mandy.
That's right.
Oop! Don't wanna over-twirl though.
Okay? Use your flourishes to accentuate, not dominate.
Really important.
What the [BLEEP.]
? Yeah.
There's still a spark between me and Dylan.
I guess you could say that kiss we shared in grade school was more powerful than either of us dares to admit.
I've been told my kisses are electric.
You won't believe what I was last Halloween.
- What the hell? - Oh, Kelly.
We don't use that kind of language in the Lord's house.
You let Nadine start a dance class? - In the community room? - Yes.
She asked me if she could, and I said that I thought that was a great idea.
I asked you two months ago if I could start a fight club in there, and you said no.
How's that fair? Kelly, there's a lot of seniors in our church, and I think that dance is good for their body and their soul.
Much more so than fighting.
I just can't believe you would take my dream of starting a dance school and give it away to Nadine, like it's a piece of crappy Halloween candy.
I literally had no idea you wanted to start a dance studio.
I've never seen you dance.
I don't think I've ever even seen you run.
Well then, watch this.
Kelly! Hey! Would you like to join my dance class? I know you don't have any money, but I'd be more than happy to waive the $10 fee.
No big.
No, Nadine.
I do not wish to join your very stupid dance class.
Okay? Because I already know how to dance and really well.
And don't act like you don't know that.
When I was a kid, I was a ballerina.
I actually had mad skills.
My teacher used to call me a trooper because I was so light on my feet.
Like when the parachute troopers are floating down from the airplanes? Then Nadine got jealous and screwed me over.
Basically, Nadine was the best in class and always got the lead solo dance.
And Kelly was always put in the back row.
Nadine was so good, she got a standing ovation on the night of the recital.
And so Kelly tried to top her, which did not go as planned.
After that, I realized that ballet's dumb.
So I decided to dedicate myself to the only type of dancing that really matters: hip-hop.
Hey, quit push Ricky, quit pushing.
There's enough for everyone.
Oh, my God, the treasures are in the ground.
- They're not going anywhere.
- Scooch it.
- Give me the money.
- Please move.
- Dude, you made more maps? - What are you talking about? No, I found more.
Got it.
Nice, okay.
Well, I'm starting a hip-hop dance school, and I need your help.
Sorry, but I have a rather thriving business going on right now.
- Why, how much have you made? - Uh, $120 so far.
So yeah, I might just buy those shoes for myself, if you don't mind, seeing as you haven't exactly been contributing.
How do you know I'm not gonna make enough money too? Uh, I don't know.
'Cause a dance school's a dumb idea? You're a dumb idea.
Hey! Mature.
You can have that one.
Eddie! No browsing.
You read it, you buy it.
This is how I start my day.
Let's go take a look at my babies.
What the fruit? [BLEEP.]
.
You spelled "fresh" wrong.
It's old school spelling.
Heard of it? Why are you here anyways? Begging your way back into my school? No, I just wanted to see if you were gonna do it.
I still think it's a dumb idea.
Oh, and by the way, um, I actually made $160.
So yeah, I'm about to go buy those shoes.
And then probably, like, a thousand slushies, so Fine.
Why don't you go make out with Nadine while you're at it, you little traitor? Beth? W-what's up? I'm here for the hip-hop class.
- Really? - Yeah, I love dancing.
Well, well, well.
I'm really excited to have you be part of my school.
Well, we are happy to have you be part of our school.
- So let's get our hip-hop on.
- Oh, yeah! Throw your hands up in the air! Mickey, why are you here? Beth told me about the class.
And since I'm always trying to improve myself, I thought I'd stop by.
Truth be told, I was looking to spend some more time with Beth.
And I know Shrub's in love with her.
And Shrub is my bro.
So bro code, but still.
Beth is so hot.
Hey, look who I ran into on my way over here.
June? You like hip-hop? I'm always interested in ways to make my hip replacement hop.
That's a corker, June! Okay, well, I just need $10 from everyone, and then we can get started.
Hey, Big Mandy.
Are you here to join the class? No, I'm just watching.
I'm afraid that even if you're just watching, you have to pay.
Oh, uh, let's just say you're auditing the class.
- Yeah, you do that.
- Yeah.
I'm on my lunch break.
I usually watch something funny when I eat because I read in this alternative medicine blog it creates enzymes which helps aid in my digestion.
Now, I usually watch The Simpsons when I eat my meals, but when I heard about this class I knew it was gonna be hilarious.
I'm about to digest like a [BLEEP.]
.
Okay, guys.
Let's get started.
First, we're gonna start with this thing called the K-Kell, an original.
Okay.
You know, that one actually is pretty advanced stuff.
That took me five years to actually nail down.
Maybe I shouldn't start day one with that.
So what we're gonna do is, we're gonna do something a little bit easier but just as cool.
Okay? Let's get with it.
Oh, stop! Please, stop.
You're makin' me pee my pants! Um, okay.
Yup.
I can tell you guys are still really excited.
Me, too.
Now this one's gonna be a little bit more basic just to get us warmed up, okay? 'Cause soon you'll be able to look like that.
All right, everyone with me now! Hey, look at me! I'm hip-hopping.
Go, June, go.
Turn around now, big move.
Good.
I don't think this is hip-hop.
Of course it is, Beth.
Listen to the music.
Keep it up! All right.
I'm done.
Thank God I didn't have a bigger sandwich.
- I'm kinda bored.
- It is a tad repetitious.
Not to criticize.
Oh, I don't know.
I'm having fun.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Look, you just you know, you get bigger with it.
Yeah, look.
Ooh.
You gotta get jiggy with it, before you can get oh, ow! - Ooh, ooh, are you okay? - Yeah, my ankle.
Use your phone.
Call someone.
I don't have a phone.
I don't have pockets.
Should she stretch it that much? This is like the dance recital all over again.
Nadine probably dug that hole just to sabotage me.
She's probably gonna buy those sneakers too.
Hey! Are you the jackass who ripped off my little brothers with a fake treasure map? Um, I sold them a quality product, - if that's what you mean.
- You told them this was real.
Yeah, that was for entertainment purposes only.
Well, my brother says you told him it definitely leads to treasure, guaranteed.
Okay, well that sounds taken out of context.
You'd better give those kids their money back now or I'm gonna do ten times worse to you than I did in high school, Jack Sparrow.
Call you later, bro.
Take it.
I don't even care.
They were for entertainment purposes only! God! My zinnias are destroyed.
I'm getting angry calls from people all over town about kids digging up holes.
And poor Cheryl, she's the one with the sprained ankle.
And it turns out it's all because of you two.
Well, why is everyone calling you about it? - You're not the police.
- I have no idea.
It's incredibly annoying.
And it makes zero sense to me.
Yeah, well, you should be more forceful in making them realize you're not law enforcement.
- Yeah.
- I've tried.
Okay? But for some reason, they all see me as some sort of father fig This isn't about me! Okay? Stop changing the subject! Well, you'll be happy to know that I'm broke now.
So justice has been served.
Yeah, and I was just trying to be an "entre-manure" like you're always telling me I should be.
Look, your hearts are in the right place.
I know that.
But Kelly, your dance class shouldn't be a competition with Nadine.
Dance is one of the most sacred forms of personal and spiritual expression.
If you want to share your passion with the world, you have to make sure that your motives are pure and you teach from your heart.
Why do you cut your hair so short? It makes you look like a farmer.
I know you heard me.
Hey, look.
I'm gonna show you what I mean.
Oh, no! Now, most people, they know me as good old Father Joe.
Because that's who I choose to show them.
But if I wanted to show them the true expression, who I really am, I would do this.
This is just me, Joseph Alan Binghoffer.
I'm just gonna honor God by showing off some of the most killer moves Flatch has ever seen before.
Well, as you know, I did quite a lot of dancing when I was in A-Men, a spiritual boy band.
We were huge in Germany.
And it really connected my physical with my spiritual.
Can't miss our destination ♪ D-W-I ♪ Father Joe is right.
- Really? - Yeah.
I need to invent some better moves that are, like, just about me, you know? Up the line ♪ All right, let's see those moves.
What the [BLEEP.]
? No, wait, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly No, no, no, no! What the hell, Nadine? Hip-hop? And et tu, Mandy? Et tu? Kelly, come on.
Look at what you've inspired.
Inspired? You stole my idea.
I thought your dance school folded after today's debacle no offense.
Um, offense.
My school's just about to take off.
Oh, well, that's great.
Good for you, Kelly.
Oh, my gosh.
Hey.
Do you want to sit in on my class and I can show you some better moves you can use? Better moves? - You could show me? - Yeah.
Yeah, if you'd like, so no one gets hurt.
What I'd like is to see you with those weak-ass moves out in the streets, looking like a straight chump! Okay, Kelly.
I know you're upset about your latest disappointment, but there's really no need to take it out on me, okay? Plus, you're the one who stole my idea for a dance class in the first place.
Nadine, it was a bit aggressive for you to take Kelly's hip-hop idea on the same day she did.
Really, Dylan? Was it? Thank you so much, but you actually know nothing about any of this.
You can't even walk across the room without tripping all over yourself.
So please don't tell me how to run my dance school.
Hey, do not be mean to him.
That's where I Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everybody shut up! Okay, the way I see it, there is only one way to settle this.
And I think we all know what that means.
Dance off! Guys, come on! - Oh, hell yeah.
Let's do it! - Fine! Bring it on, sister! Let me get my sandwich.
I've got the power ♪ I've got the power ♪ Bring it on, bitch! Don't.
There's really no dance I can't do well.
I've actively tried, I trust me.
And I just can't seem to do it.
I'll turn off the music, but my body just finds the rhythm.
Kelly! Whoo-hoo! Dance off! Yeah! Dude! - No, no, no, no, no.
- Dylan, Dylan! Show 'em what you got! You have this! You'll embarrass yourself really bad, Dylan.
No.
I've got the power ♪ Don't catch it.
Dylan! Oh! He's really embarrassing himself! Oh, the hopscotch! - Oh! - Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Wow, Dylan! I have no idea what happened in there.
I think I blacked out.
Yes! That was amazing! Yes! Winner? - I've got the power ♪ - Winner? Winner? Winner? Whoo! I won! No, you didn't.
That wasn't a vote.
You just yelled "winner" a bunch.
Nadine, you need to realize that dance shouldn't be a contest.
- Oh.
- Okay? It is the most scared form of impressions and spirits.
Okay? So if you want to teach your fashion, your heart needs to be motivated.
I hereby declare dance schools dumb! Mic drop.
Hey, hello? What the hell, Dylan? Listen, if you ever break up, give me a call.
Either one of you.
Oh.
You're pretty.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
All around the world.
Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew! Hey, Kelly.
Kelly.
You crushed it! Oh, hey, what do you think? I needed some new sneaks and these looked fun.
I paid 100 bucks for 'em.
That's the most I've ever paid for a pair of shoes.
They're pretty cool, huh? No! I thought they were pretty fly! Whoa! Ooh, oh! Are you all right? Ah, I should have told you about that hole.
There's a lot of them around here.
I've always had really weak ankles.
When I was eight, I had to quit the soccer team because Oh, I'm sorry.
Ooh! Who at this hour? What are you doing here, Joe? Oh! Hey! I-I'm sorry to interrupt you.
Um, just thought I'd bring you some food.
Oh, those are pretty flowers.
Who, uh, who sent them to you? The editor at the Pockton Gazette.
Oh.
Cheryl, she's an incredibly smart person.
And I am really well, not.
I knew she would get bored with me and she'd have to break up with me.
I just didn't want her to have to go through that, so I think I made the best decision for both of us.
Well, you know, here's your food.
It's hummus, your favorite.
Thanks for bringing me food.
That's very sweet of you.
You can eat hummus, but you can't eat flowers.
I'll bet the editor from the Pockton Gazette didn't know that.
Well some flowers are edible, you know? You are so smart.
Um - Thanks for coming by, Joe.
- I'll see you around, Cheryl.
Yup.