Welcome to Sweden (2014) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Wow, this is your apartment? It's our apartment now, honey.
It's amazing.
Oh, and this is the bedroom.
Yeah, I'm thinking of changing rooms because of the windows.
What's wrong with the windows? Nothing is wrong with them, but you can't have a bedroom facing the street.
Says who? Me, and the rest of Sweden.
It's way too much traffic.
You think? Yeah.
Depends on what you compare it to, I guess.
Okay, it's not New York but No, it's definitely not New York.
Is anybody out there? See there's not even anybody Sorry.
We're not living in America but we're not sorry I knew there was something That we never had We don't worry no, we're not living in America But we're not sorry, no We don't care about the world today We're not sorry for ahh brown, seriously? Okay, red then.
It doesn't matter how many colors you bring up.
They will stay white, honey.
Think art gallery, you know? You put what you like on the walls; the walls are not the art.
Okay, I'm thinking more like mental hospital.
You know, like I'm sitting here with a straitjacket on.
I mean, don't get it.
My apartment in New York had tons of colors on every wall and you loved that place.
I loved you, and I still do, but it doesn't mean that I want poop-colored walls, okay? Can we just make this place normal? Normal I don't even know what that means.
I know, that's why you have me.
Hah.
I'm just saying, my furniture's going to look a little out of place.
How much are you shipping over? Not that much.
What are you doing, by the way? Making sure there's no neighbour outside.
And you think that's normal? Okay, now! Isn't that the whole point of having neighbors, is to meet them? No! The whole point of having neighbors is to fill the other apartments in the building.
What happens if you desperately need milk? You go to the store.
Oh, here we go.
Hello, my name is Bruce br And this is my girlfriend Emma.
We just I moved in to the buil Okay.
We'll see you around, I think.
We're on Floor two.
I told you.
What do you mean? She didn't say one word to you.
Come on! We met, we had a moment.
We had a meeting of the minds.
Please! We've got to hurry to the immigration office.
It's so American to say hi to everyone all the time.
"Hey buddy! What's u-u-up? How you doing?" Are those your American impressions? Yes.
Those are really good.
Thank you.
I mean, what's wrong with asking people how they're doing? Well, it's fake.
In Sweden we just do that if we really want to know the answer, you know? But I do want to know the answer.
No, you don't.
Yes, I genuinely care about how people are doing.
Okay, but if you care about swedes leave them alone, okay? Say "hej, hej at most.
If you do more than that, people will think you're weird! Well, how do you get to know new people? Well, you don't.
That's the whole point, honey.
You know what, I'm going to prove you wrong.
Okay, please do.
Excuse me, sir Hej, hej.
Hej, hej.
Told you so.
Ooh, I'm so relaxed right now.
It's like, you know, these interviews? I mean, who cares? Like, I mean, we are a real couple and everyone sees that.
You know, if you're a normal person, you will see that in one second.
You love me, I love you.
That's the whole story, you know? It's not going to be a problem.
We don't have to worry about anything, you know? This is going to be fine, but you have to tell them that you love me.
Honey, you have nothing to worry about.
Mm-hmm.
We have nothing to hide.
I know, I know, I know! I know.
That's what I'm saying.
What's going on? They didn't pass the test.
Bruce? What? You're next.
Let's can you repeat the question? I don't When did you two meet? "Meet" is I don't know if it's Is it a translation problem with the word? But, like, do you mean, like, meet-meet? When did you two meet? Meet? I get it.
Meet.
That's like It's not as eas Do you mean, like, sex? No, I-I'm not asking when When you did have sex.
I Good.
I wasn't going to tell you anyway, so No, of course.
We do we do have sex though.
When did you two meet? Here's problem with that question: Like Charles manson, right, he met a bunch of women, took them out in the woods, and, like, poisoned them or killed them or strangled them, I don't know.
The point is, he knew everything about them but it doesn't mean that he loved them, right? Probably would have done great on that test, though.
Also this Jeffrey dahmer dude: He's a guy, met a bunch of women, knew everything about them, took them back to his place and He ate them, I guess.
But Why do you keep bringing up serial killers? I know what you're thinking.
I see it in your No, I would never That's stu I would never hurt Emma.
I, like I love her.
Like, with a passion.
Just a minute, okay? Yeah.
Hm? Charles manson? Why, Bruce? I said I was nothing like Charles manson! Okay, that should never be necessary.
And also you told him my middle name is Johan.
That's a man's name, you know.
I said joanne.
Okay, it's not joanne, so It's not? No.
Well, whose middle name is joanne then? I don't know, and I don't care.
You know what? I'm worried that you don't know anything about me, or about us.
You think we have something to worry about? I don't know, babe! Seriously, come here.
- We'll be fine.
- All right? Who's calling you all the time and why are you not picking up? Is it Aubrey? She's a client of mine.
She's an old client, so answer your phone and tell her to stop.
Okay.
Jeez.
Yeah? Bruce, hi, quick question: Can I deduct my Brazilian wax for my taxes? Aubrey, I'm not even your accountant anymore.
Didn't you get my email? No, I don't read emails.
So, Sweden.
What are you doing in Sweden? How did you know I was in Sweden if you didn't read my email? Okay, fine I read your dumb email.
Seriously though, what are you doing there? What does one do in Sweden, the land of Are you still there? Yeah, I'm trying to think of something to say about Sweden but I can literally think of nothing.
Listen, you have to stop calling me like this.
My girlfriend is going to start wondering if something is going on.
Is it? Is what? Is something going on, between us? No, no, just Stop calling like this.
I've got to go.
Whatever, have fun in stupid Sweden.
Bye.
What did he say? Is he coming back? I don't know.
Well, call him again.
I don't want to.
Aubrey, I really need him back here.
This stuff is very complicated and I am in way over my head.
I've already fired three people since he's left and I will fire you too.
From what? From being my friend.
Fine, then find your drugs somewhere else.
Well played.
Thank you.
Done.
Why do you act all secretive when Aubrey calls? Is there something going on that I should be worried about? No, honey, I moved to Sweden to avoid having a long distance relationship.
Do you think I want to have a long distance mistress? Huh! So she's a mistress now? No, she's an insane person.
So, you have nothing to worry about.
I thought you were saying you were only shipping over a few things.
I did.
This is only, like, 20% of my stuff.
Really? All right, 50%.
Still, it's Like, what What's this? That is my boomer esiason football.
He's the greatest left-handed quarterback in NFL history.
Okay.
So, that's staying.
But not in my arne jacobsen chair.
Okay ooh, easy! Arne, what did he play? He's a famous designer.
Okay.
He's not as famous as boomer esiason.
I bet you boomer esiason was a better designer than that dude was a football player.
Okay, next topic: A wooden bar? Yes, she's a beauty right? Really? A wooden bar? Why do you keep saying "wooden" bar? Because it's a bar made out of wood.
I'm confused.
Is it the bar or the wood that's the problem? Both.
None of this stuff goes toge what is It doesn't go together.
It's I disagree with that, because this football goes really well with this bar.
Stop it.
Honey, I'm joking.
Don't worry.
This stuff has a way of working itself out.
Yeah? Yeah, relax.
I am relaxed, okay? You expecting someone? Hey! Hey-y-y.
We brought some things that we had in the basement.
Mamma.
We thought maybe Okay.
Maybe you have a use of them.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
Hey.
Hey.
Okay.
Moving porridge.
No idea what you're saying, so I've never seen anything like this before.
It's awesome! Wow It's it's a beauty, it's great.
It's like tom cruise's bar in "cockpit".
"Cocktail".
Yes, please.
Living together is hard.
In the beginning, everything seems so easy.
But then when you move in together, that's when the problems really begin.
I'm just speaking in general terms.
I have this couple that I'm treating right now.
She's from Sweden.
Very nice girl.
He's from Another country.
Denmark or some place.
It doesn't matter.
She's a vegetarian and he just couldn't live without his meat.
Now this couple thought they were in love, and the mother really just wanted the girl to be happy.
It's like a transformer.
But it's a chair; It's like a transformer chair.
Who sells these? I should.
But, they finally realized that the differences were just too much.
Emma, you should listen to this.
This is just like us.
So what happened to the couple? There was no couple, she's talking about us.
Ah, no.
She said he was from Denmark.
Mm-hmm.
So Right? You're not talking about us, right? I can't say.
I'm a doctor.
Ja, doctor's ethics.
Uh, confidentiality.
So, what happens in your life? Have you started work yet? On Monday.
So now we're just waiting to hear from immigration.
Yeah.
It would be terrible if Bruce were sent back home.
Yes.
Well, whatever they decide, the immigrations people probably know what they are doing.
What happened to the couple? Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself.
My name is Bruce and I I don't My my name is Wait, wait, hold on.
Wait, I just wanted to say hello.
Hej.
Honey, I'm home.
You know what, I think you're right.
Our neighbour just ran away from me.
I told you to just, you know I know, you say "hej hej" and then you walk away.
I get it.
Who is it? Take a wild guess.
Didn't you tell her to stop calling you? Relax, I'm not answering.
Relax? I am relaxed, but you know what? If you don't tell Aubrey to stop bothering you, she never will, okay? I think you're overreacting a little bit.
You think? Yeah.
You think This furniture will just, like, merge together all of a sudden while we're watching? Seriously, what are we talking about right now? I don't I've never done this before, okay? I've never lived with someone before.
I'm not used to accepting stupid Wooden bars and stuff like that.
You always say that things will work out.
But what if they don't? What if we get a letter from the immigration office saying that we're not a real couple? And then they will just send you away and out of my life.
You're the only person I've ever really cared about.
Baby I don't want you to be upset.
I mean, there's nothing I can do about the immigration thing, but What I can do, is start by Sending this text, okay? And you know what? Maybe Maybe we should just start over.
You know, get rid of everything.
Everything? Yeah.
It's just stuff, you know.
We'll just start over, you know.
Fresh start, clean slate.
Okay, that's a totally crazy idea But I like it.
You do? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Let's do it.
What does she say? She seems Fine with it.
Thank you so much, especially for the arne jacobsen chair.
Sure, no problem.
Wait! Hej, hej.
Here he is! Hey, babe.
Welcome home.
Tell him we live What's that? It's my football.
I couldn't do it.
It's a boomer esiason football.
You can't be angry at this.
W Are you serious? You threw away my arne jacobsen chair and you're keeping an old football? Yeah, and by the way, the arne jacobsen chair was worth a lot of money.
You could have told me that.
I did tell you that.
When? Okay guys I don't remember when I tell you things.
Well, you should probably pay more attention because maybe that could have been useful information that I could have had.
Uh, guys, could I? No! You know what, this is something He's the best left-handed quarterback in the NFL I don't care if he's left-handed or right-handed, I don't care! I'm going to let myself out here.
You two have obviously proven yourself to be a real couple.
So, yeah, good luck with that.
Told you there's nothing to worry about.
Anyone can see we're a real couple.
I'm sorry, are you still talking? What do you think of this? Ah, I don't know, I think, like I actually kind of like it like this, you know? Like, super romantic.
Ohh, I love you.
Love you too.
Let's go to bed.
We don't have one.
Oh, that's right.
Love you.
Love you too.
I love you too.
What was that? Babe, she's an old client of mine.
I have to do whatever she says.
I'm an old client of his.
He has to do whatever I say.
Kiss me.
Put a baby inside of me.
What? Ow! What was that for? We're not living in America but we're not sorry I knew there was something That we nev