Welcome To The Family (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

Previously on "welcome to the family" The minute she leaves for somewhere between two and seven years at the nation's leading party school I know, I know.
The big renaissance.
We'll get in shape.
I'll get in shape.
I have a boyfriend.
And I'm pregnant.
What? What? This is a joke, right? This is the guy whose son knocked up Molly? - What?! - What?! Dan, I'm pregnant.
My daughter is pregnant.
My wife is pregnant.
And for the next several decades, I got you to deal with.
It would really help me out if I could hit you again.
Good.
Someone answered our "need a teenage boy roommate" ad.
- I think he's coming around.
- Yeah.
Hey, babe, you get my text? What text? My first appointment cancelled, so I sent you a text asking if you were up - for a little you and me time.
- Really? Why are we still talking about it? Get over here.
What'd you have for breakfast? Onion bagel, salmon cream cheese.
My.
What, are you nauseous? - A little bit.
- So Should we kill the foreplay? That's your solution? - It's a solution.
- Okay.
All right, I know it's been a while, but when your pregnant wife starts to get sick, maybe offer her ginger ale, saltines, - as opposed to a quickie.
- Okay.
I'm sorry, but when you were pregnant with Molly, we used to do it all the time.
When I was pregnant with Molly, I had a husband who took an interest in how I was feeling.
That guy used to even give me foot rubs.
Okay.
I get it.
All right, I'll give you a foot rub.
What's that? Wow.
Are you honestly still trying? - I'll stay down here.
- It's okay.
You know what? I don't need a foot rub.
Okay.
I'm gonna head back to the office.
It's probably best.
Can I get you a ginger ale Or, um The other thing? Shh.
Dr.
yoder.
- I'm ready.
- For what? You texted me about wanting some "you and me time"? - Danno! - Ricky! Welcome back.
How was it? Trip of a lifetime.
Good.
Screw you.
You have no idea.
We dropped Zachary off at college and just kept right on going.
I'm telling you, Dan.
We're living the dream.
My dream, okay? You're living my dream.
I had it first.
Right, yeah, danno.
I heard the news about Molly.
Kids.
She'll get back on her feet, and you'll be on your way.
I seriously doubt it, Rick.
You know why? - Why? - Caroline's pregnant, too.
- What? -Are you kidding me? How the hell did Well I'm so sorry, my brother.
- Yet you're laughing.
- Yeah.
- Well, you probably don't need to see these.
- I can handle it.
Good man.
All right.
Here we are overlooking the ocean at pebble beach.
Cindy looks great.
We had her boobs done.
"Go big or go home.
" those were my exact words to the doctor.
And that little Asian guy did not go home.
Okay, let's get to work.
That's right.
How is it possible our baby boy - is already in sixth grade? - I know, right? Next thing you know, Junior's kid - is gonna be coming here.
- My God.
That's crazy.
And then we'll be back for grandparents' day.
Welcome, everyone! Sorry to keep you waiting.
I was having a cocktail in the teachers' lounge.
I'm joking.
My God, Miguel?! Ana! Ooh! What a small world! How do you two know each other? We were friends long time ago.
I was his girlfriend.
That's what I meant.
'Cause she's obviously a girl.
I mean, look at her.
I am.
How'd you do it? Do what? Somehow got younger.
I don't Sunscreen.
How long has it been? - It's gotta be about 20 years? - 3 years? Those are very different numbers.
Well, three years if you count the swap meet.
I count the swap meet.
We just walked by each other and barely said hello.
I didn't mention it to anyone because it - it so wasn't worth mentioning.
- Really? 'Cause I'm gonna mention it a lot in the car.
Why don't we talk about demetrio? - Yeah.
- Yeah, let's demetrio.
What can I say? He's totally got your smile.
Boy, she got ugly.
What a fat mess.
Don't.
You know I can't hear that music, right? Yeah, that's why I was dancing it for you.
Hey, you know, we haven't done it in a while.
You feel like hittin' this? I'm all about the hittin'.
What? I'm a little hungry.
So I'm gonna go, um, hit some microwave popcorn.
Boom.
All right.
Are you ready to do this? Hell, yeah.
Did I just no, I was just repairing it.
- Still, it felt good.
- A little feisty today.
- I'm not in the best of moods.
- What's the problem? Someone come into your workplace and break something? Yesterday, my partner came back from an RV Trip up the coast.
Today, he booked a safari for Christmas.
Know who can't book a safari for Christmas? Me and everyone I know? Don't make this about you.
I was supposed to be doing the stuff that he is doing.
But I can't because my daughter and my wife are knocked up.
You know what? Let's use that.
What? Punch.
Come on.
That's all you got? Some guy's got a better life than you.
That's it! He's gonna retire soon.
Your kid's gonna be graduating high school when you're 90.
I see why everyone at work likes him better.
I'm assuming.
That's it.
Get angry.
He nailed your girlfriend in college.
- Wasn't him, but keep going.
- Yeah.
He's got the life You want.
And you know what? There is nothing You can do about it! What? There is something I can do about it.
I'm gonna have to charge you for the full hour.
Saving up for my safari.
Dan, it's me.
I'm gonna give you a do-over and choose to be flattered that my nausea did little to dampen your horniness.
Now I'm feeling better, and I'm craving a double-Decker with cheese from charburger.
Can you bring me one on your way home? It has to be a triple.
I know I said, "double.
" Stop arguing, and burger me.
Hey.
Hey.
W-what? Mom, you're pregnant.
Is dad, like, still into you? Into me, like well, does he still want to, like Do it? I guess this experience is bringing us closer together.
The answer's yes.
Your father has not lost interest in his own pleasure.
Well, and I haven't done it since I got pregnant.
Really? If only you'd stopped just a little bit before that.
What if he's not attracted to me anymore? I doubt that's the case.
Mol, he's 18.
Maybe he's freaked out.
Maybe he's afraid you're fragile now, or the baby is.
Who knows? Talk to him.
Thanks, mom.
Hey, what about you? Is everything okay with you? Well you know how your father and I usually - feel so connected? - That's great.
Yeah.
Hey, what are you reading there, papito? "Of mice and men.
" You're gonna love that.
That's what Ms.
Nunez said.
Did she? She said it's her favorite book.
Really? She tell you that at the swap meet? No in class.
She said, "it's a beautiful story about friendship and the endurance of the human spirit.
" Yeah? The little dude kills the big one.
Go do your math.
Caroline, come see what I bought! Is it the burger I called you about? I saw you left a message.
- I just figured it could wait.
Come on.
- Hey, hey! When your pregnant wife leaves you a voicemail, - maybe play it.
Better yet, answer the phone.
-Okay.
Now I know.
Now come outside.
You gotta see this.
If this is the burger and you're setting me up, you're just being cruel.
It's not the burger.
- It's better.
- It's the burger.
What do you think? What is that? It's an RV recreational vehicle.
A vehicle whose entire purpose is recreation.
No, I know what it is.
Why is it here? Since Rick got back from his trip, I've been bummed that he gets to have all the fun.
And then I realized we can still have fun.
We just gotta scale it back.
That's why they sell used RVS wow.
I don't get it.
I got us an rv - what's the problem? - Us? - Yeah.
- My God.
This is for you, not us.
I mean, all you care about is making sure this baby doesn't get in the way of all your big plans.
Pardon me for thinking we could swing up the coast every once in a while.
You're unbelievable.
An RV? What's next? Me getting my boobs done, like Rick's wife? No.
Hello-o-o! Nice to see you again, Ms.
Nunez.
Ms.
Nunez? You can call me "Ana.
" No, I can't.
Thank you for coming in.
First of all, I just I wanna say I hope it's not gonna be uncomfortable for you this year.
Why would it be uncomfortable? Maybe that was just in my head.
Um, anyway, I called you because there seems to be something going on with demetrio.
I assigned the students to read "of mice and men," and he's not doing it.
Unacceptable.
Yeah, but that's not the odd thing.
Demetrio told me that you said he didn't have to read it.
I have no idea why he would say that.
I do.
- You do? - Yeah.
He thinks it's easier to lie than do his homework.
- Yes, that's probably why.
- Look Thank you for letting us know.
We will handle it from here.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
We'll be talking soon The three of us.
I didn't mean I don't even go to the swap meet anymore.
Okay.
- Not doing his homework is bad enough.
- Yeah.
- But to lie and throw his mother under the bus like that? - Yeah.
- Strike one, right? - Are you kidding? We're gonna drop the hammer on him.
We're gonna take his bike away, his Xbox, his sneakers.
He'll wear church shoes to school for a month.
- I did it.
- What? I told him he didn't have to read the damn book.
Why'd you do that? Because she's your ex.
And she was all sexy and flirting with you.
And she was all like, "call me 'Ana', read my favorite book, do everything I say.
" Excuse me, crazy lady? I-I have seen you jealous before, but never to the point of undermining your son's education.
What's going on with you? I'm about to be a grandmother.
So what? So? Hot little teachers are sexy.
Grandmas are old and wrinkled, and nobody lies about seeing them at the swap meet.
Are you kidding me? You are incredibly sexy.
You have to say that.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
Okay, but there's a ton of sexy grandmas.
Name one.
Your sister.
Nope.
Hey.
Do you want to talk about Why we're not doin' it? Yeah.
Are you freaked out because I'm pregnant? What? No, not at all.
Are you sure? Because it can't hurt the baby.
- I mean, it might scare it, but - I don't think that's medically - do you see me differently now? - No.
If anything, you're more beautiful.
I know.
My boobs are crazy, right? So what's the problem? Okay.
The problem is doing it here in your parents' house.
But they're okay with you living here.
And I'm pregnant.
They obviously know we're doing it.
Exactly.
They know we're doing it, and they approve.
So now whenever we're about to do it, they're in my head specifically, your dad giving me a thumbs-up.
Well, that's better than giving you a thumbs-down, right? Not by much! I wanna make sure I have all the pertinent information here.
It seems what's at issue is that your boyfriend won't bone you in our house.
- Accurate? - Yes.
Excellent.
I don't care.
- What? - I'm old, I'm pregnant, and I feel like garbage.
Figure it out.
- Big thanks, by the way.
- For what? You got me so worked up yesterday, that I went and blew thousands of dollars on an RV, and Caroline freaked out at me.
Hey, man, I was just trying to get you to punch like an adult male.
Hey, Dan, it's me again.
So here's what's new lots more seesawing between nausea and starvation.
Our daughter came to me for some sexual guidance, didn't help with the nausea.
And you still haven't figured out how to pick up your damn phone.
In fact, the only evidence of you is that stupid RV You have exceeded maximum recording time.
Mom, we're in here! Yeah, just chatting.
It got hot.
I took off my shirt.
Kept chatting.
Look, I don't care what you're doing back there.
For all I care, you could be doing it.
That's not gonna help.
Mom, what are you doing? Taking this thing back.
Hey, name a hot grandma.
- What? - Quick! Someone who's a grandma who's still hot.
Why are we doing this? Long story.
Just give me a hand.
Help me out.
I'm drawing a blank.
I got nothing.
- Hey, Lisette! - Yeah? Can you name a hot grandma? - What? - He wants me to name a hot grandma, but there are none, right? Is that the point? Dan! Molly's on the phone.
She said Caroline's been in kind of a car accident.
What's "kind of a car accident"? Is she okay? She's just sitting there.
She won't talk to anyone.
- Where's your shirt? - Um, it's in the RV the police won't let me back in to get it.
We were chatting.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- That's my wife in there.
Well, you better get her to start cooperating, 'cause we're going to impound that thing.
- Well, what if she's still in it? - I'll arrest her.
Get these cars moving.
Let's get the tow truck in.
- All right, you gotta buy me some time.
- Yeah.
You got it.
Just back it straight on out, all right? That a problem? - Hey, my man - Hey, step back, sir.
Fair enough.
So - What's up? - I needed a burger.
Okay.
I get it.
- You pulled in because you wanted a bur - Needed.
Needed a burger.
Got it.
So why'd you take the RV? I was returning it.
Caught the bug? Wanted a bigger one? Time and place.
You know, you're not the only one whose plans have changed.
At this point, I thought I'd be focused on making partner, training for a marathon, discovering a hidden talent.
- Like what? - I don't know, Dan.
It's hidden.
- Any luck? - He already started moving the car.
He gave me nothing.
Hey, you know who's good at distracting cops? Hot women.
You see any hot women around here, grandma? Get out of my way.
I'm not in your way.
Go.
Hold this.
And this.
- Bra stays on.
- Fine.
Excuse me, officer.
I just wanted to thank you for all your protecting and serving.
- You're welcome.
- It must be so hard on your wife you putting yourself in danger all the time.
I'm I'm not married.
What? Come on.
How's that possible? That's weird.
Amazing.
You know what's even weirder? I can't be pregnant alone, Dan.
- And I just feel like you're not with me.
- I am.
Okay, maybe I wasn't before, but I'm here now.
Only 'cause I caused a crime scene.
I wouldn't say that there's a yeah, there's the yellow tape.
Well, from now on, it won't take all this.
- How do I know? - Last chance.
What's it gonna be, pal? This thing moving, or is she getting arrested? With all due respect, officer Nothing's gonna happen till my wife gets a triple-Decker.
- With cheese.
- With cheese.
Sir, if your wife doesn't vacate this vehicle immediately, I'm gonna arrest both of you.
Do it! And in five minutes, you'll be all over YouTube as the cop who arrested the hungry pregnant lady.
And you'll be famous as the tool who refused to serve her.
No, it's not good! Now let's try this again.
My wife would like a triple-Decker with cheese.
With cheese.
I said, "with cheese.
" Yeah, coming up! Damn.
How do you do all that in one week? Well, Monday, Wednesday, Fridays legs and abs.
Thursday, I blast the delts.
Must be Thursday a lot.
Comes around every week.
Okay, see you later.
Tell Ms.
Nunez about that.
You got it.
Now cover up.
You're gonna be a grandma, for God sakes.
Thank you.
Okay.
- So how is it? - It's amazing.
They forgot the cheese.
It's right there.
What is wrong with you? We should probably go.
Yeah.
- I don't think we're taking this back.
- Nah.
There goes my shirt.
So remember, that RV belongs to your father and me.
It's off-limits.
You two have no business being in there whatsoever.
Got it? - Yes.
- Absolutely.
Honey, why is the RV moving? Because I'm a really good mom.
- I don't - Shh.
- Are you feeling - Yeah.
I am.
Wait right here.
Just in case.
- You sure you're good? - Pretty sure.
We probably shouldn't drag it out.
- Kill the foreplay? - Yeah.