Wendell and Vinnie (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Whoa, whoa, Wendell.
These are collectibles.
I had a whole kingdom of astergoth scenario here.
The Wood elves were about to clash with the fire goblins of avalash to gain victory for emperor elidor.
And people think I'm the nerd.
Oh, no, no, no.
You're a nerd.
I'm a geek.
What's the difference? How do I explain this? Okay.
Oh, you know that moon of Jupiter? Oh, which one? There's 67 of them.
Nerd! Hey, guys.
Can I read this over here? Why? This book is super scary, and I don't want to be alone.
Now, everyone, leave me alone.
Come on, this is my job here.
I don't come to your apartment and put my feet up on your alimony check.
Hey, hey.
- Hey, aunt Wilma.
- Oh, my God! I can't believe she let him do that.
She reading my diary? Hey, Wendell.
All right, talk to me about this mock trial going on at your school.
Okay, I'm the defense lawyer, and my opposing counsel is my friend Lacy.
All righty.
I'm so glad you're following my footsteps into law.
Now, tell me about this case.
I'm here to help.
Okay.
It is Goldilocks versus the three bears, and we are representing Goldilocks.
I'm out.
Wait, what do you mean you're out? Well, it's a loser.
It's a clear case of vandalism and trespassing.
I mean, I don't know the porridge laws in this state, but that girl is looking at some hard time.
But, aunt Wilma, even the guilty deserve a defense.
And a trial isn't just about winning.
It's about a search for the truth.
Oh, see.
Now, there's your fairy tale.
And there's this girl named Katie playing Goldilocks.
Oh, is that "cute Katie"? Please don't make a big deal about this.
Wendell's got a crush.
Wendell loves Katie.
"I love you, Katie.
" "I love you too, Wendell.
" Thanks for holding back.
Wendell, I'm sorry.
I just can't help.
I understand.
I guess I'll just have to take on Lacy and her hotshot Attorney, nichelle nettles, by myself.
Whoa, what? Nichelle nettles is her Attorney? I'm back in.
That yoga-butted, wrinkle-resistant ice queen just happens to be my archnemesis.
I thought you two were friends.
Yeah, we're great friends in that I-hope-you-get-fat-before-me kind of way.
Too late.
I never felt so good never felt so good.
I never felt so good never felt so good so wait a minute hey.
I never felt so good Good luck, Lacy.
No matter what happens, we'll still be friends.
Luck has nothing to do with it, Wendell.
I've got a great case and ice cream sandwiches for the jury.
Uh-oh.
Hi, Katie.
I look forward to defending you.
There's an app on my phone that makes me look like a unicorn.
Good afternoon, students.
I'm judge salvadorie.
I'm here as a volunteer, again, to guide you through the exciting process that is our legal you know, it's all here.
You can read it for yourselves.
Your honor, I'd like to welcome opposing counsel back from re laxation place, say say that we all support you and Gosh, Hope it sticks this time.
And I'm happy to be here with my dear friend, Wilma, whose heart and soul are as openly on display as her roots.
Stupid door! It's supposed to open out.
If there's ever a fire in this place, everybody's gonna burn to a crisp! Hey, kids.
Hey, I know you.
Nichelle is it? We met a few weeks ago.
Air hockey table in the dining room.
I'm living the dream.
Hey, air hockey, you're cutting into my wheel of fortune time.
Sorry, your honor, I just came to pick up Wendell, but I guess I'm early.
I'll just wait in the hall.
Nice to see you again, nichelle.
This place is a death trap! See you, kids.
Okay, the dragon is the judge, and The Wood elves are the jury.
Who's this ugly one? Sneed the dung collector.
Okay, that's nichelle.
- All right, let's practice some cross-examination.
Which one of us should be Goldilocks? Well, I'm a woman, but you're a blonde.
So are you.
Vinnie, Vinnie, quick.
Come over here.
We need a Goldilocks.
No can do.
I got a date.
Ha! Vinnie's got a date.
"Ooh, look at me.
I'm Vinnie.
"I'm on a date.
What do you do?" "Oh, I'm a successful accountant, used to work for one of the big four, but" Oh, I'm no good at mockery.
Get in the chair, Goldilocks.
Fine, I'll give you five minutes.
- Oh, my - Shh.
How long have you been there? Are those the same clothes you had on yesterday? Haven't you ever had a book you couldn't put down? Yes, 'cause it transported me to a magical world of make-believe.
Books.
Come over here.
In the chair.
All right, let's get this over with.
Okay.
State your name.
Locks, gold e.
Locks.
"E" is for Elizabeth, gold Elizabeth locks.
Okay, okay, meryl streep.
Dial it back.
Just play it straight.
What? I'm in character.
Goldilocks, why did you eat the bears' porridge? - [High-pitched.]
Well, I was out clubbing all night, you know, raising the gingerbread roof, when I was stumbling home hungry, and I thought I'd snag some free grub.
Well, I'm sorry, Wendell, but you just lost the case.
She just admitted to breaking and entering.
All right, don't do Goldilocks.
Now now you're papa bear.
Go.
Whoa, what are we talking about? Grizzly? Polar? Gummy? I got a lot of range.
Okay, papa bear, describe the events of the morning in question.
[Dopey voice.]
Okay.
So I woke up, and I took the whole family out for our morning constitutional.
You see, bears don't use bathrooms.
We go into the woods.
We get it.
We get it.
We get it.
Don't let him tell his story.
Make him tell your story.
But I just want to lay out the facts and get to the truth.
What kind of lawyer are you? Have a seat.
All right, Mr.
bear if that is your real species.
In the forest, you're at the top of the food chain.
Am I right? Well, I am a carnivore of some stature in the neighborhood, yeah.
Carnivore, meat a meat eater.
People are made of meat, am I right? Did you not leave your door open and leave porridge out to lure an unsuspecting human inside? I didn't Hoping that the person would eat the porridge, then doze off, leaving you a nicely wrapped breakfast burrito in a bed that was just right.
It wasn't like that! Sir, I remind you that you are under oath.
Okay, fine! It was all mama bear's idea.
You know what? There've been others.
Hansel, gretel, we ate them all! You want to know where Waldo is? In my heartless wife's bottomless stomach.
Okay, date time.
All right, well, that's it.
We'll do the murder angle.
That is how we're gonna humiliate nichelle.
And win the case.
Yeah, no, sure.
Whatever.
Sorry I was late.
No worries.
Hi.
I got roped in to helping Wendell and Wilma rehearse for their mock trial thing.
Oh! Yes! Coconut shrimp, my favorite.
I know.
I am pretty good at doing my research.
You know what I'm good at? Shrimp tail puppet shows.
"So, shrimpy, I hear you manage a baseball team.
What's the name of the first baseman?" "Who.
" You are a refreshing change of pace.
Why's that? Well, I'm used to going out with very serious, accomplished professional men.
Oh, you won't have that problem tonight.
Right, shrimpy? "Right!" I'm curious.
What did Wilma have to say when you told her that were going out on this date? I didn't tell her.
She'd freak.
Right, shrimpy? Stop talking like a shrimp.
Okay, but if you didn't want the shrimp show, why'd you order it? I'm sorry that you had to lie to Wilma.
You know, I really do love her.
She's like a younger, sluttier sister to me.
Unfortunately, she's always been jealous of my success, my flawless skin, my extensive lingerie collection, and now this silly mock trial too.
Well, tell me about it.
She's trying to turn my sweet Wendell into a shark.
She's pushing her own theory on how to win the case.
Really? Well, I think you should keep that to yourself.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, you and I would have to be pretty close for you to share something like that.
Close? Very close.
So this lingerie collection, would it possibly include a catsuit? And if the answer is yes, I have a follow-up.
Tell the jury what it was like on the day in question returning to your home.
All I remember is, we were bundled up in our hats, coats, and scarves, taking in the December morning, then came home to find our house had been violated.
That is the worst papa bear I've ever seen.
I mean, where's the authority, the gravitas? I'm not getting papa or bear.
Papa bear, do you see the trespasser in the courtroom today? Her.
Let the record show that the witness has pointed to the stuck-up girl who thinks she's cool because she did a local commercial for her dad's carpet store.
I totally bought you as the girl who hated hardwood floors.
Thank you.
No further questions, your honor.
Follow that, punk.
So, papa bear if that is your real species.
You're at the top of the food chain, are you not? - Yes.
- Please.
That's a bear? I'm not even buying this kid is a human.
And as a carnivore, isn't it true that you prefer meat to porridge? Well, I And isn't it true that the porridge was just a trap? I could never eat a human As an apex predator, you are completely capable of eating anything you want, including and especially humans! Now, isn't it true that you were just trying to lure this sweet, beautiful, carpet-loving human into your lair? If anyone should be on trial here, it should be the three bears for attempted murder.
I'm done with him, your honor.
Wendell, Wendell.
More football, less fosse.
Okay, let's go to closing statements.
Actually, your honor, the prosecution would like to call an expert witness, our science teacher, Mr.
Stittsworth.
Pfft! Stittsworth.
Oh, man.
There's a guy in my building named lipshitz.
Mr.
Stittsworth, as our science teacher, you're well versed in bear behavior, yes? Well, I was hired as a gym teacher, but I have access to the answer key.
How often do bears murder human beings? A human being is 180 times more likely to be killed by a bee.
No further questions, your honor.
Okay, folks, time's up on today's session and my nicotine patch.
Who can give me a ride home? Hey, all things considered, I think you guys did pretty good.
Pretty good? This is horrible.
We'll never win now.
How did that even happen? It's like someone told them our strategy.
Hey, I got to tell you guys something.
I did something bad.
You're not gonna like it.
I'm just gonna say it.
I never wash fruit before I eat it.
I know.
I know.
I can't look at me either.
I can't.
Hey, Wilma.
Kind of similar to the way things play out for us in the real world.
Funny, huh? You knew something.
A good lawyer is always one step ahead.
I don't need you to tell me what a good lawyer is.
What did she write? "I don't need you tell me what a good lawyer is.
" Good God! Hitting that apple juice pretty hard there, bud.
Aunt Wilma's right.
This case is a loser.
Hey, come on.
That's not the Wendell I know.
The Wendell you know died in that courtroom today.
If I could just figure out how they knew.
Yeah, well, it's a mystery, like how they built the pyramids or how to spell "connecticut.
" Listen, I got to go.
I got a date.
I was hoping that Katie and I might hang out together one day.
That's not gonna happen now that I'm a proven failure.
Hey, it's not over yet.
If I could just figure out how they knew! It's kind of over.
That's Wilma.
I'll put the bottles away.
I don't want her to see me like this.
Ah.
Stop that! I hate that.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
I just I realized I can't go on a date without socks.
Hey, do me a favor.
Run upstairs.
Grab me a pair of socks.
Why can't you get your own socks? It's what we do in our family.
We've always gotten each other socks.
Why'd you slam the door in my face? What are you doing here? Well, I was waiting for you in my car, but I really need to use the bathroom.
So you're saying there are no empty soda bottles in your car? Just put the seat back up when you're done.
Here you go, Uncle Vinnie.
Matching socks? What am I, a banker? Get back up there.
- For a guy with a hamburger on his t-shirt, you should do care a lot about your socks.
Is this you, or is this the juice talking? My paper! Hey, guys.
How's it going? - To the kitchen! - What are you talking about? - I made rum cake.
- Rum cake? Yeah, you eat too much; You drink too much.
How could you not like this? I can explain the empty bottles! Uh, there's no rum cake in there.
It's camouflaged.
Just lick everything.
I got to get you out of here before they see you.
- I'll make it worth your while.
- Mm.
That is so messed up.
Tell me about it.
Since that was our last witness, we'll move on to closing arguments.
Let's try to keep it brief.
The court has a ticket to the 3:00 P.
M.
Tom cruise movie.
The court loves cruise.
Actually, with the court's indulgence, I have one more witness to call, your honor.
Seriously.
You all realize this means nothing, right? What are you doing, Wendell? We don't have another witness.
The defense calls Mr.
Vincent j.
Basset.
What? Wendell, I haven't prepared a character.
Just be yourself.
The ultimate role.
State your name, occupation, and relation to me for the court, please.
Vinnie basset, dealer of fine collectibles, and I'm about four feet away from you.
And you are my Uncle and guardian.
I am.
Mr.
basset, is true that on Tuesday last, you went on a date with the advisor to the prosecution, miss nichelle nettles? You're the traitor? How could you? It just slipped out, all right? I'm sorry.
Not so fast, Mr.
basset.
I have a few more questions for you.
Now, you're not an overly educated man, are you? I have a phd in keeping it real, if that's what you mean.
Oh! Mr.
basset, do you know what bears do in the winter? I don't know.
They hibernate, right? Correct.
They hibernate.
I ask Mr.
basset not because he's an expert, but because he's the opposite.
If there was a less offensive word than "simpleton," I'd use it.
And even he knows bears hibernate in the winter.
Mr.
basset, please read back papa bear's testimony.
Papa bear.
Watch and learn, kid.
Doh-hey! "So we were bundled up in our hats, coats, and scarves, taking in the December morning" Ah, so it was winter.
Bears would be sound asleep.
There would be no open door, no porridge, no stroll, and certainly no invader.
Considering all the reasonable doubt, can you, in all good conscience, convict this innocent, sweet girl, who's hopefully more layered than she appears? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, set Goldilocks free.
Thank you.
Oh, boom! I'm sorry, Wendell.
Really.
How long are you gonna give me the silent treatment? Eventually you're gonna want to talk to me.
Maybe not now, but you got six years before you go to college.
You're gonna want a sandwich or something.
Didn't you know how important this was to me? Uncle Vinnie, I'm never going to score the winning touchdown or make that shot at the buzzer, but this is something I can do.
This is place where I can show everyone I'm worth something, and you almost gave that away.
You're right.
I didn't realize how much it meant to you, but I do now.
I'm gonna make you a promise.
This will not be my last mistake.
I'm doing the best I can.
You know, I'm new to all this.
But, you know, I'll try harder, and from now on What were we talking about? - You're sorry.
- Right, yeah.
Yes, I am.
And I'm proud of you.
You did an amazing job today.
I really jam dunked it, didn't I? Yeah.
You really jam dunked it.
Has the mock jury reached its pointless verdict? "We the jury find Goldilocks not guilty.
" Nice job, Wendell.
Oh, you spit in your hand, didn't you? Thank you.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I'll see you later, Eddie.
It's Wendell.
Mind your own business.
Wait for Eddie! Come on, Vinnie.
Let's get out of here.
Come on, Vinnie.
Let's get out of here.
I have reservations for dinner and dessert and dessert.
Were you just with me to get the information? No.
I am very attracted to you because you are a mature and handsome man.
Don't tell me you're buying that.
Mind your own business! Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it! Oh, God, no.
How are you still reading the shining? Oh, I finished that yesterday.
Oh, gross.
Then what are you reading now? Wilma's diary.
Oh, dear God.
Wait till you get to bible camp.