Whites (2010) s01e03 Episode Script

Whites 1x03 - Good morning.
- Good morning.
This is a beatiful spot.
Yeah, yeah.
I suppose so.
Bit creepy though.
The previous owner's wife - she hanged herself round here somewhere.
- Oh! Er Still, pretty.
Yeah.
Yeah, they scattered her ashes all around here and then built her a bench.
Odd choice of memorial, I've always thought, cos obviously, she'd have needed some sort of chair to Oh.
I feel a bit awful now.
I've been dropping my ash everywhere.
Oh, she won't mind.
Keep her company.
I'm Alison.
Roland.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Well, I'd better get to work, so I'll leave you in the capable hands of ".
.
Colonel Peter Everett, A Lifelong Villager".
The wrong bench.
Seen that? They've got one of those outside.
Does 228 miles per hour.
Must be handy, seeing as our national speed limit is 70 miles an hour.
Take it on the autobahn.
Yes, of course.
In Germany.
Skoose, I can see how excited you are by Hot Car magazine.
- How many canapes have you actually done? - Oh, erm 14?! 14? 14? You do realise we've got to get through 800 of these, yes? I know.
Boring, innit? So what DO you drive? Three-wheeler? No.
I drive a Hyundai Accent.
What? Nothing.
It's just they're shit.
Yeah, they are shit, aren't they? If by "shit" you mean getting 47.
3 miles per gallon Married, Skoose.
Don't need to get laid.
I tried to steal a car when I was 14.
There was an Alsatian sleeping in the back.
16 stitches.
Hm.
And the wheel of justice turns.
Hm? Missed a bit.
What? Nothing, just said you're doing a great job.
- What, you think I wash cars, do ya? - Well, only cos you're - I'm a kick boxer, I am.
- Good.
Didn't expect that one, did you? - No, I didn't.
- You here for the car thing? - No, I'm the head chef.
- Oh.
You got any knives on you? They're in the kitchen.
Locked up.
This is the test car, this is.
It's my job to keep it clean.
In case people want to have a drive in it.
Do you want to have a drive in it? I've got the keys.
Maybe later.
Thanks anyway.
We built this city We built this city on rock'n'roll Ohhh-oooh! Someone's always playing corporation games Someone - All right? - Yeah, good.
How are you? Yeah, good.
Just getting the stuff for your demo.
What actually is "Aslan fusion"? Asian.
Yeah, but what is it? No, that says "Asian fusion", not "ASLAN fusion".
Why would there be something called "Aslan fusion"? I don't know.
You wrote it.
No, I wrote "Asian fus" Forget it.
Listen, still OK without me for a couple of hours? When? This afternoon.
My appointment.
Oh, the old The fertility clinic, yes.
If you absolutely have to go, Bib, not much I can do about it, is there? Well, I do Yes, we Yeah, we're trying to have a baby and it's not happening, Roland, and we do need to find out why, so We've tried all the other stuff Chinese herbs and lunar charts and ovulation sex Ovul What's that? It's just It's where you and your wife only have sexual intercourse when the lady is cresting, during her ovulation cycle.
Wow.
Maybe you should get a different wife.
Yeah.
Very good.
Very helpful.
You're nervous.
You're nervous.
There's no need to be.
You've done it a million times before.
Nice warm room, mood lighting.
I've heard they give you literature.
Literature? Yeah.
Tit mags.
Not The Kite Runner.
See? The whole thing is weird.
Cubicles, magazines.
It's like some nightmarish Nazi sex facility.
- Do it here, then.
- What? What is it, 30 minutes, natural life of a sperm cell? Just do it here, drop it off.
My mate Dave Spicer, he knocked one out at home, got his adopted son to drop it off on his bike.
Can you do that? There you go.
Good morning, chefs.
- Good morning, Caroline.
You look all fresh.
- Thank you.
- Had your face peeled? - No.
You had yours inflated? - Hear that, Bib? - Yes.
It's like an episode of Moonlighting.
Ah, if only you were Bruce Willis.
Or anyone, really.
Bruce Forsyth.
I need the canapes for the function, and you need to be in the marquee to set up your mise en place for the demo.
Want to come and watch? I'm doing some fancy moves.
Might get you going.
Oh, sadly, I've got a restaurant to run.
But do video it for me so that I can pleasure myself to it later in the bath.
Right, stick Skoose in charge.
I'll meet you in the marquee in five.
So, er, what exactly is "Aslan fusion"? It's your classic cuisine from CS Lewis's The Narnia Chronicles.
So there's stag, holly, slices of horn Right, Skoose, you're in char OK, now this is a very simple, very beautiful Thai noodle dish.
It's made with shiitake mushrooms and baby corn, from a recipe that I picked up when I was over in Bangkok.
And I can tell you, lads, this one is very popular with the ladies.
Or as I found out later that evening, with a ladyboy.
LAUGHTER I know! You ok there, Celia? Hm? Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Do you sell cars? No, no, I'm Roland's sous chef, Bib.
Worked here for years.
We've met 50, 60 times.
Of course! I didn't recognise you in your No, of course.
Yes, it must be confusing.
He's good, isn't he? Yes, he is.
All this Chinese-y stuff.
Very exotic.
My Jack used to say there are two things the Asians do better than anyone else food and whores.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
- I've had to wear it since I was about eleven.
- It's really pretty.
I wish I was allergic to penicillin.
Oi, Axel.
Come here.
- Yeah? - What do you call this? Erm, a hollandaise.
Is it? Looks like custard.
Do it again, Mr Bean.
Whoa.
All right.
Why are you being a dick? "Why am I being a dick "chef"?! - All right, Kiki? - Wow.
I've been left in charge.
Have you? I could tell there was something different about you.
- It's like you look taller or something.
- That's probably the hat.
Maybe.
Take it off.
Oh, yeah, it is the hat.
You look really weird now.
Tiny head.
You look like a little baby bird.
Put it back on.
That's better.
Normal head.
Oh, I would absolutely love a hat like that.
I'm not going to miss it, baby, I promise.
Erm, what? No, that's fine, they've got magazines.
Well, I have to look at something.
I don't have a picture of you, baby.
Yeah, excellent, text me one.
Who am I? Who's this? - Tommy Cooper.
- No! I'll give you a clue.
I'm from Boston.
The Boston Strangler? Very good! Ten points.
Be good though, wouldn't they, for strangling women? Yes, yes, they would.
The car boys just gave them to me.
For free.
Calf's belly.
Feel.
Roland, I've absolutely got to get going.
I've had Sarah on Yeah, all right.
All right, balloon bollocks.
Off you go, then.
Think of England.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Yep.
I'm doing it.
Mm-hm.
- Wait.
- What? I've been chopping chillies.
- I can't - Yeah.
- Erm, Celia? - Yes, darling? Could Bib borrow your lovely new driving gloves? Of course he can.
You going somewhere nice? Not really.
They're calf's belly.
Very soft.
Going to have a wank in that? What? How? Why would you say that? Just a guess.
You are, though, aren't ya? That is insane! This is for a peanut sauce that I'm making.
Not made much.
No, I haven't made much.
And why would I, if this is for a trial taste test? Why you wearing driving gloves? Allergic to peanuts.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no! It's broken.
Hm? Look.
Stupid key is broken.
I need to get to the clinic.
Get Skoose to run you.
- All right, then, take a golf buggy.
- To a fertility clinic? It's only up the road.
Good idea, cos I was thinking that the whole "going to a municipal building to hand a woman I've never met before "a cup of my still-warm semen" might not be humiliating enough.
- Just a suggestion.
- Well I've got another suggestion.
Why don't we call my nan, see if she wants to come along for the ride? I think I may be able to help you, Bib.
Just give me five minutes? Five minutes? Roland, I haven't got fi The clock is ticking.
Just knock out another one.
Another one? What are you I'm not Tom Jones! Come on, there's always a bit left in the old tank for emergencies.
- Going my way? - Oh, hello again.
- Nice car.
- Yes.
Yes, it is indeed.
Pretty quick, these things.
I don't know if you know anything about cars at all.
Air bags both sides, twin valves, overhead cam shaft.
Does nought to 60 very quickly.
- Right.
- Listen to this That's leather.
Wow, you really know your cars.
Uh-huh.
Loud.
Have to get that fixed.
Congratulations on your demo, by the way.
Oh, you saw that? You were very funny.
Thank you.
So you work for these guys, then? I'm head of European promotion.
Wow.
Yeah, I booked the whole thing - this place, all these cars, you Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
Well, since you've booked me, er, perhaps I could cook you dinner tonight? - Well, we have paid for the whole day, so - No, I mean a special dinner.
Just for you.
Separate table, away from all the plebs.
That would be nice.
Thank you.
That it, then? - Yes.
Yes, it is.
- Get much? Fair bit.
- Told ya.
How were the gloves? - Can we just drive? Amazing, innit? The serum of life.
Just think, there could be millions of little Bibs in there.
I suppose for you, just one would be nice.
Why don't you work? Swim, you little bastards.
Stop giving your old man a hard time.
OK, suddenly got a bit weird.
- Ahhh! - Argh.
- Aaah.
- Eeeurgh.
- Aaah.
Eeeeeuurh.
- Right, Kiki, we've got 63 in today, so - Hello, Calorine.
My name's Hank Da Handkerchief.
All right.
Yes.
If we could just fold them into rectangles Please don't fold me into a rectangleesz.
Kiki It kills me.
- Right, give me that.
- No, stop, you're hurting me! - Give me - You're pulling my hair! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ah! Ah! Do you think they got enough? You know, to do their tests? Yeah, course.
They only need a couple, don't they? - How did it feel? - What? Nice, innit? Oh, the car! Yes.
Yeah, good.
Nice.
Brilliant.
Red.
Lovely and fast.
I'm a kick boxer, I am.
Good.
You a chef an' all? What's your favourite food? Er, grilled sea bass.
- Second favourite food? - Lemon tart.
- First favourite drink? - We've got to get back to the kitchen.
Oi, what's this on the seat? What? - A big mark on the leather.
- That was there when we got in.
It's not coming out! Check on, chef.
Listen up, ca marche.
Two veal, one John Dory, two ravioli, one duck terrine, yes? - Yes, chef.
- Check on, chef.
On order, three monkfish, - one beef medium, yes? - Yes, chef.
Looks good.
What you making? I'm doing Wagyu beef with a garlic shallot confit and a stack of boulanger potatoes.
- Wow.
That your dinner? - No.
- Is it for Alison? - Might be.
Look at you, pulling out the big guns.
Haven't seen you this gaga over a lady since I'm only making her a meal, Bib.
It's hardly a proposal.
Chef's got a girlfriend! - Oooh! - Yes, all right, boys, thank you.
Because we're all twelve.
Maybe I'll get to snog her later down at the disco.
Or if I'm really lucky, I get to finger her behind the big bins.
Hello, Caroline.
The function are being seated.
- Can I have the entrees, please? - Yep.
And Alison Harries is with them but saying something about a separate table.
Yeah.
Erm, give her table six.
And send out a bottle of Cristal, compliments of the chef.
- What? - A little gift from me.
I'm paying.
- It's 180 quid a bottle.
- Really? - What have we got around 70 quid? - Moet.
A bottle of Moet.
Service! You won't be needing that.
- Won't I? - Not tonight.
As promised, I've prepared you something very special.
- OK - Trust me? Sure.
Why not? You look amazing.
Sorry.
Compliments of the chef.
Me.
- Bib, that VIP entree? I want see it before it goes out, yeah? - Yes, chef.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Planning on doing any work today? - What? - Well, you've been gone half the afternoon already, leaving Skoose in charge of the kitchen, might I add, which, to me, seems a bit like leaving Keith Moon at the controls of a helicopter gunship, and now you seem to be planning on spending the entire evening fraternising with a guest.
Don't worry Caroline.
I'll take you out one night.
What's your scene? Indoor climbing, scampi at a lesbian pub? - Look, just be careful, Roland.
- Pardon? - Alison Harries is a lovely girl.
- Yeah, I know she is.
So don't be a dick.
- OK.
- Just treat her like a normal person.
- She is a normal person, Caroline.
- Exactly.
That's all I'm saying.
Don't make a big issue of it.
She's very sensitive.
- Don't make any silly jokes.
And don't stare at it.
- Hm? Stare at what? Oh, for God's sake, Roland What? The missing limb.
The What? Can I take your sweater, madam? No, I'm fine, thank you.
Service! She's got one arm.
Hm? She's only got one arm.
- Who's Who's only got one arm? - Alison, the lady that I like.
OK! Is that a problem? Why would that be a problem? Well, because she's only got one arm.
It doesn't matter, does it? Who cares if she's got only one arm? It doesn't make her any less pretty, does it? Doesn't make her any less funny or clever, all those things you said she was in the car.
Doesn't make her any less of a woman.
A little bit less.
- I thought you said you like her.
- Yeah, I do.
I do like her.
Well then.
what's the problem? What are you waiting for? Don't be such a silly.
Take the lady her dinner.
Yeah.
No, you're right, Bib.
Who cares about that? It's only an arm.
- She's got another one.
- There you go! - This the girl with the cardie? - Yeah.
She's fit, chef.
Nice-looking woman.
- I'd get her down on all threes.
- Service! - Hi.
- Hello again.
- How's the bread? - Really nice.
Good.
Good.
What a lovely cardigan.
Thanks.
Really nice.
Really nice cardigan.
What colour would you call that? Green.
Green.
Good old green.
Do you mind if I? That's gorgeous.
Yes.
You said.
Kiki! Excellent.
Your dinner, madam.
Ooh! What could it be? Like I said, a special meal for a special lady.
Wow.
Wagyu beef.
Best in the world.
Right.
And do you normally cut it up into bite-sized cubes? Just thought it'd be easier.
Easier? - Y'know, with the old - Are you joking? Hm? Well, cutting up my food for me, like I'm a child.
- No, I just thought - Roland, I broker multimillion-pound deals every week.
I am capable of cutting up my own food.
How? I mean, it's not risotto, is it? Some of these steaks can be tough customers.
Roland, thank you.
That's very sweet.
But I'd rather just be treated like a normal person.
I think you are a normal person.
I didn't even notice it.
- "It"? - Seriously.
I wouldn't even have even known till somebody in the kitchen told me.
I admit initially I probably had the same reaction as most people, bit of a freak-out, but chatted it over with my sous chef, and I feel much better about it.
- You had a little chat, did you? - Yep.
And you know what? I realised something about myself, Alison Harries.
It's not a problem for me.
I'm ok with it.
Wow.
What a relief.
Where you going? I think I just lost my appetite.
- What? Why? - Goodbye, Roland.
No, Alison, look I didn't know what to say.
I didn't mean I just think that you're really - brave.
- Excuse me? With you and everything You mean this? Oh, there she blows.
Roland, this happened when I came off a jet ski in Gran Canaria when I was 22.
How is that brave? Jet skiing.
That's brave.
How does she change gear? - How are we looking for the health and safety assessment? - Oh, good.
Fine.
Got rid of the dead body.
- Scrub the fridge.
- No.
- Scrub it! - Please.
- What exactly is this? It's a magical snail archer.
I can see what it is, but what's he doing in my reservations book? - What is wrong with you today, Bib? - I need to go on holiday with my wife.
Where you going? Gayland? What's the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is that you'll be closed down and prosecuted.
Where do you want this fella? I'm sure there are no ants in our kitchen.
The rats have probably eaten them all! Sync and corrected Oh, what do you know? Since there's nothing above There must be something below So take those pictures off the wall No-one will believe you