Whitney s01e03 Episode Script

Alex, I got to level 35! [German accent.]
There is no Alex.
Hi, I am Hans, your favorite foreign exchange student.
[Laughs.]
Well, hello, Hans, it's been a while.
We've missed you at our high school.
Yes, how has the cheerleading been going? Have you been telling the football team to play defense und be aggressive-- be, be, be aggressive? Well, uh, I was actually made the captain of the cheerleading team after Sally had a baby in the bathroom.
Uh, how were your travels? Oh, they were magnificent and comprehensive.
I have circled the globe to try and find someone as beautiful as you, und I have failed.
Oh, well, maybe we should go do it on the guschtenflauden.
Oh! What the heck is a guschtenflauden? You're silly.
It's a German word for table.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I kn German.
Shh Yeah.
Oh, somebody needs more tutoring, it seems like.
- Oh, yeah.
- Come with me over to - the guschtenflauden.
- Okay.
[Laughs.]
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
You heard me.
Maybe I'll get a smoothie, or maybe I'll get a super smoothie.
I feel like my body probably needs all that crap.
Yeah, but what is the "ah-sa-yee" berry? What is that? Is that gonna stick around? 'Cause I feel like I got into Goji berry and then it just, you know, went away-- wow.
What? You totally checked her out.
- Who? - Who? Spongeboob sweatpants.
I-I didn't see who you're talking about.
Sorry, I don't know.
[Scoffs.]
You ogled her, and while I was sharing my feelings with you.
That's--that's pretty rude.
I didn't ogle anyone, Whit.
Alex.
[Unintelligible, mocking.]
I was looking to see if he was refilling that half-and-half.
No, you weren't.
Just admit that you checked her out.
No, I don't even know who you're talking about.
Honestly.
So you're sticking with that story? - I'm sticking with the truth.
- Okay, okay.
[Clears throat.]
Why is he lying about it? I know what I saw.
He doesn't even use half-and-half.
He's like a girl with his 2%.
Well, it's better than my ex-husband's move of checking out hot chicks and then having intercourse with them in my saab.
It's so weird, Neal doesn't check out other women.
That is so weird, and so not true.
Okay.
Love the top.
Hate the jeans.
The jeans are mine.
What happened to the black miniskirt I gave you? Oh, I took that back to the children's department where it belongs.
Roxanne, you're single again, okay? You need to recalibrate your thinking.
Like, your Facebook page is just sad.
The only two pictures you have on there are of your niece and Michelle Obama.
It's true, guys look at your page and your last update was "frowny face, I just paid $3 for gas.
" I only go on Facebook to play scrabble.
It takes my mind offMy mind.
Trust me, okay? Facebook is, like, the most important part of dating.
You need new pictures that show how funny and smart you are.
So put this on.
That shirt is like catnip, and the cats are douchebags.
It's good.
You know, I'm not even mad that Alex checked out that girl, I'm just annoyed that he lied to me about it.
If you wear something like this, he'll admit to anything.
My mom always says, "when in need, show your cleave.
" Is that supposed to rhyme? Why do you always focus on the wrong thing? No, it's just 'cause your mom's an actual poet, like, as a career.
Okay.
Okay.
So you did check her out, right? Of course, yeah.
She was hot.
And her cleavage was aggressive, and she was wearing those sweatpants with the words on the butt.
- What words? - I don't know.
I'll never know.
She sounds awesome, man.
Wheels up! What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm trying out new catchphrases.
Stupid new guy down at the station said, "let's do this thing," and it really took off.
Yeah, that still doesn't really explain it.
Well, thank you for the heads-up.
Fights tend to bleed from one girlfriend to another, so I'm ordering Lily something.
Just putting out the fire before it starts.
Wheels up, wheels up.
- Flowers? - No, edible arrangement.
Lily's got a thing for fruit that comes in cute shapes.
What is she, a gay grandpa? [Scoffs.]
I don't know, I thought about telling Whitney the truth.
You should, you did nothing wrong.
We're men, we have needs, we look at boobs.
Deal with it, ladies of America! Boobs! No! Admitting that you looked at another woman is an open invitation to exploring your girlfriend's insecurities.
"Was she prettier than me?" "Is she skinnier than me?" "Do you think I have man hands?" Yeah, it's trickier with Whitney too, 'cause she has three times the daddy issues 'cause she has three times the dads.
- Whatever you do, deny.
- Yeah, you're right.
Why is his opinion always more important than mine? Uh, because he invests my money and doesn't yell out "boobs!" In public.
- Hmm? - Hey, Whit.
- Hi.
- What are you eating? It's Lily's edible bouquet.
I don't understand why people send these things.
Aren't they kind of offensive? It's like, "I'd send you chocolate, but you should probably lose a couple pounds.
" Yeah, take that, adorable snack.
[Sighs.]
Look, about that girl earlier, I don't want you to feel like you have to lie to me about these kind of things, so if you just admit that you checked her out, I'll just drop this whole thing.
Whit, it's been like five hours since I've seen you last.
Nothing new has annoyed you yet? Nothing that knocked you out of first.
Are we really still talking about this? Yeah, I just want you to be honest with me.
I thought he was putting 2% in the half-and-half.
Seriously! You think I am an idiot.
No, I don't think you're being an idiot, I just think you're taking this a little bit too far.
No, I just want you to be honest with me, I-- you know I'm not a complete moron, I'm not.
- It's really just-- - Shh! Okay.
You just shushed me.
Great! I'll "shh.
" You're about to be knee-deep in "shh.
" I can "shh" like nobody else.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
'Cause you know it means the exact opposite of what you're doing right now? [Scoffs.]
Come on, Whit, let's just order in some dinner, okay? What do you feel like having? We can get whatever you want.
Whitney? Whit? Wah! Am I actually getting the silent treatment? Is that what this is? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what's happening, huh? All right, well, I definitely know how this goes.
[Clears throat.]
Uh, hey, Whitney, what do you want for dinner? [As Whitney.]
I don't care Alex, I'm such an easygoing girlfriend.
Okay, Whit, what about Chinese food? [As Whitney.]
Well, can we all just agree that there is no such thing as good Chinese food? M.
S.
G.
? Seriously? Like restaurants actually have to advertise not putting poison in their food? Oh yeah, Whit, I forgot, you have such strong opinions about Chinese food.
What about Sushi? [As Whitney.]
Whoa, just wait a gol-darn minute.
Why? So I can overdose on Mercury and grow another neck? All right, let's just skip the whole idea and go into the bedroom and have sex.
[As Whitney.]
Oh, my gosh, that's such a good idea, Alex.
[Laughs.]
I love having sex with you, but you make it last so long.
Just for once, can you focus on yourself? Why aren't pictures of me in my apartment enough for my Facebook page? Why do we have to Photoshop me in Prague? It's so you look worldly and Cosmopolitan, and we're not in Prague.
We're in Rome.
My bad.
Yeah.
Neal says he's gonna take me to Rome someday.
He says the lifestyle is so relaxed, you know? People drink wine for breakfast and children smoke.
[Exhales.]
Okay, Roxanne, give me a look that says, you know, like, "I'm fun, date me.
" That look says, "I'm out of heroin and I'm cold.
" Hey, guys.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Whitney.
Still nothing, huh? This is still, uh, a thing we're doing, yeah? All right.
Lily, this was outside for you.
Really? "I thought you ladies might be thirsty from your photoshoot.
Love, Neal.
P.
S.
You all look beautiful.
" All: Aww.
That is so sweet.
I know.
Neal is the best.
He can't even see you.
You know, I would've taken the trash out if you'd told me it was full.
You just need to use your words, babe.
[Laughs.]
[Loud knocking.]
Tell me who it is and I'll let you in.
Safety's off.
What is that supposed to mean? Hello? Eh, it means hello, goodbye, thank you.
It's, uh, it's my aloha.
Is Whitney out there? I locked her out of the apartment.
You can probably end this whole thing by telling her the truth.
But what do I know? I'm no Neal the wonder kid.
I didn't go to girlfriend college.
I'm not an Indian wizard.
Well, look, I'm not letting her in until she starts talking to me again.
It's done.
Game over.
[Heavy breathing.]
Hello, mark.
- Hey, dude.
- Hey, dude.
[Depressed.]
Hey, Whit, how are you? Mark, thank you so much for helping me, mark.
You still not talking to me? Really? You know I kind of miss your voice.
Not really the volume of it, but more the sentiment behind it.
Dude, are you okay? I am awesome! At first I thought that this whole silent treatment thing was kind of a bummer, but now I'm realizing it's kinda great.
I ate a pop-tart.
The wrapper, I just threw it on the floor.
And I was able to finish the whole first season of Dexter, and guess what.
I didn't have to explain anything to anybody.
That is beautiful.
Hey, did you know that baseball games have commentators? You're a genius.
When life gives you lemons, you tell the lemons to "shh.
" Whoops.
[Consoling.]
Okay.
I'm sorry.
These photos are great.
I look good in Rome.
I think it's all the walking.
Yeah.
Yeah, you look great, but it's just you in all these pictures.
It looks a little eat.
Pray.
Lonely.
You need to look popular.
- I am popular.
- No.
Being popular doesn't count anymore unless you have the pictures to prove it.
I know.
We'll have drinks tonight, I'll invite some people, we'll post the photos.
I'm gonna call Neal, see if he can bring some ethnicity.
White people aren't cool anymore.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late, I had to have mark help me move some stuff 'cause I'm still giving Alex the silent treatment.
You should see him, he is such a mess.
And I know I should feel bad about it, and a small part of me does, but it's just such a small part.
Nice.
Tell me, how is he such a mess? Oh, he's got pop-tart wrappers everywhere, he's lounging around in his sweats, staring at the tv all day.
I think he's gonna come clean soon.
- Or is he? - Yeah.
'Cause isn't all that stuff the stuff that guys love? He's miserable, okay? He's--he's lying around.
He was so bored that he read a book, and he's watching tv all day, and--oh, my God, that little bitch.
[Sighs.]
Hey, Neal thinks he can get us two Koreans and an Egyptian.
[Laughter inside.]
[Door opening.]
[Depressed.]
Hey, Whit.
Hi, honey.
- You're talking to me now? - Oh, yes, I am.
And I have more to say than ever.
You know, I was doing such a childish thing giving you the silent treatment, waiting for you to admit to checking out that girl, but of course you didn't, or you would have admitted it, right? - Right.
- Right.
In that case, I want to catch up on everything that's been happening.
First, I had this dream last night, and we were in this apartment, and it wasn't our apartment, but it looked exactly like our apartment, and there were lamps everywhere.
And then, I read my horoscope, and it said that I would be on a windy road, and that everything would be illuminated.
And it also said that my power color is blue, so let's go to my closet and talk about my prettiest blue things.
Hmm, this is more of a royal blue and this is more of a cornflower.
Wait, is this room the right color? I feel like we should talk about repainting.
I know, we should sit down, and we should go through magazines page by page and talk about inspiration for redecorating for, I don't know, like, four or five hours? Thoughts? I didn't check her out.
Oh, I know you didn't.
You know what's a really good color? Periwinkle.
That would be perfect in here.
I once had a periwinkle tanktop, but I left it a guy's house named Chad, who I met at a y2k party.
You know what? It was not a y2k party.
It was flag day, I remember now, 'cause we were having His name was not Chet.
No, no.
I am getting all of my ex-boyfriends confused.
I think I need to list all of my ex-boyfriends alphabetically, 'cause I keep getting them confused.
What comes first, Aron with one "a" or Aaron with two "a"s? [Tortured.]
I didn't check her out.
Oh, of course you didn't.
You know what's weird? The Aron with one "a" was in a.
A.
, 'cause he was an alcoholic.
So weird.
Anyway, Aron, Aaron, Brian-- but I didn't call him that, I called him peanut-- um Hey, Roxanne, go stand with those hot guys and pretend like they said something funny.
[Camera clicks.]
Good, now pretend like you like his fedora.
I can't do that.
And that's why I feel like I learned everything I know about being a woman from Mr.
belvedere, you know? I mean, I used to write about him in my journal every day after school.
You know what? I have low blood sugar, we should probably order some food, or maybe I'll just get some wine-- - I'll get it.
[Sighs.]
You guys, I think I need to tell Whitney the truth.
All right, if she doesn't stop talking, I'm gonna suffocate myself with her dead body.
You sure you don't want to run that by the, uh, relationship president? Please end this.
I am running out of things to get Lily.
I mean, I bought her a star.
Oh, hey, my buddies are here.
No They brought stupid new guy.
Yo, mark, let's do this thing.
How 'bout let's not do this thing? [Laughter.]
Yeah.
Let's uh, let's not do this thing.
[Laughter.]
- Good one.
- Yeah! [Sighs.]
I can't do this anymore.
I just talked about Capri pants for 45 minutes.
I feel like I'm hosting the view.
All right, well, you only have one card left to play.
It's time to go nuclear.
Full female assault.
[Sobbing.]
I don't know, I just, I really don't feel like you think I'm pretty.
And, and, just-- I know I'm kind of emotional right now, but I just got my period and it's just kind of a weird one.
Uh! Okay.
Uh, God, okay! Whit, fine, I checked her out.
[Shouts.]
I knew you did! Yeah, I did, all right? - You happy? Okay? - Yeah.
Because I'm a man, and this is what men do.
I-I-it's not even my fault, all right? When a man sees an attractive woman, he notices.
You really wanna know? You want me to tell you every time it happens? I just want you to be honest with me.
Okay, cool.
Well, guess what.
There's four hot chicks in this bar right now.
Red dress over there by the bar, her friend yellow skirt, pink stripes getting food, a-and Roxanne, who I clocked before I realized it was her.
Aww! Thank you.
They weren't nice thoughts, at all.
Great.
Great.
I'm gonna go get a beer.
Yellow skirt? Really? See! You don't really wanna know the truth.
Of course I don't! 'Cause women are not animals, okay? We don't run around gawking at dudes like, "oh, hey, Roxanne, check out the bulge on that guy.
I wanna tear that up.
" No, you just pretend like you don't like Ryan gosling because he's hot.
You say it's because he--he rescues dogs and he hates being famous.
That's what he told Jimmy fallon.
And I'm sorry that I'm so shallow for liking a man for his mind.
Oh, really? So it's okay if I just Let all this go? [Snickers.]
'Cause you haven't already? Look, I'm sorry.
Okay? I handled all this really stupidly because I didn't want you to take it as a sign that something was wrong with our relationship, all right? I know your dad cheated on your mom and your mom cheated on your stepdad-- - no, my dad cheated on my mom and my stepmom cheated on my dad.
Right.
Everybody kinda cheated on everybody, I'm just saying.
The point is, is that we're not them.
Okay? Okay.
Come here.
I'm so glad they made up.
I feel like whenever they fight it kind of affects us.
Neal.
What? Just people-watching.
Want to go to Rome? [Giggles.]
Yes! That dude just checked you out.
- Who? - Blue shirt.
Oh, the fighter pilot? How do you know he's a fighter pilot? Oh, I just thought that when I saw him.
I also imagine that he has good credit, no cavities, and builds houses for poor people.
Oh, what? Are we done being honest? Oh, what? Ah, am I getting the silent treatment? It's okay, I know how this goes.
[As alex.]
Oh, look at me! [Laughing.]
Yes! Oh, I'm Alex, look at me and my beard.
- I think-- - You're a jerk.
That's a terrible impression.
Duh, I think I'm in a '90s grunge band.
Look at me, I'm Alex.
My eyebrow moves all over my face.
Look at me