Why Are You Like This (2018) s01e03 Episode Script
D*ck or P*ssy of Colour
[male voice] So last night
I'm doing five at an open mic.
This guy heckles me,
and I absolutely destroy him.
I can't even remember what I said
'cause I was so in it, but…
yeah, no better feeling.
Mm, fuck. That's good.
You know they make this in Geelong?
It's crazy.
- So crazy.
- Yeah.
Do you live nearby?
Yeah, I have my own apartment.
Well, I'd love to see it.
My parents bought it for me.
It's the least they could do after
buying my brother a boat.
How nice.
And there's heaps of room, which is
great for recording my podcast.
It's called Food for Thor.
You familiar with the
Marvel Cinematic Universe?
No. What size bed do you have
[man] Oh, it's great. And the films are
really multicultural now,
you know. Bit like you.
Anyway, I'm so glad you wanted
to meet up
because there's so many time wasters
on the apps.
It's like, how does a girl get laid
on here?
I know! I've been through
some horrors on there.
Well maybe we should go back
to your house and talk about it.
Once this girl invited me back
to her place
and asked me to take
my shoes off at the front door.
My shoes…
Off.
I'm decolonizing my pussy.
What?
[opening theme music playing]
White men. It's like they want me
not to fuck them.
This is what I get
for betraying my heritage
and trying to fuck people
who don't scrub their bodies.
I scrub.
I need a nice brown or Asian
or whatever person to fuck.
This doesn't sound woke.
- It's activism, actually.
- Heh.
Should I decolonize my pussy?
That's fetishization.
I guess you could frame it
as reparations.
How good's your pussy?
I mean
It's only reparations
if the pussy's good.
Why don't we go out
with your family friends?
Don't they usually go to that brown club
on Friday nights?
- Yes.
- This is perfect, actually.
I was gonna wait
until your birthday brunch,
but being in a nightclub toilet
together will bond us forever.
Stop doing this!
I'm celebrating you by acknowledging
your ancestral foods.
You know I eat pumpkin seed
and grain.
- Mm.
- [Austin murmurs]
Can I bang here tonight?
I can't disrespect my Muslim parents
by cumming in their home.
You're always welcome to cum
on our couch, Mia.
Isn't that right, Austin?
Ohh…
- What you doing there, Austin?
- Memes.
When was the last time
he left the house?
He got KFC two days ago…
But they're on Uber Eats now.
Would meeting the driver
at the curb count?
Something's wrong.
He isn't interjecting in any
of our conversations.
I can't even remember the last time
he called me a little whore.
He hasn't even told me
what's wrong with my outfit.
We need to get him out of the house.
OK.
You convince him, and I'll make him
a Pimms and…
fuckin'… I don't know
what goes with Pimms.
Austin,
you have to come with us tonight
in case Penny obliterates herself.
[Penny] Who wants a Pimms and vodka?
No, thank you.
I can't take care of her
because I need to get laid,
and Penny won't stop till she has cemented
herself into every corner of my life.
Please, Austin, do this for me,
your favorite woman of color.
[Austin groans]
They'll probably play Beyoncé.
OK, fine.
But I need a couple of hours first.
[Penny] Mmm, yummy.
[Mia] Penny, I want to be sucking off
by 2 a.m., so hurry up.
[upbeat reggaeton music plays]
[car beeping]
[Mia] All I'm saying is if I get murdered,
even if it's by a white supremacist,
I don't want any political discourse.
I'm dead.
Pay attention to me
and talk about how young and hot I was.
Yeah, and we'll make sure to repeat
that to The Guardian when they call.
[Samara] If anyone would have
killed you, it would have been Todd,
so I think we're OK
Samara, isn't he the one who smashed his
TV when he lost a game of FIFA?
Oh my God, Mia, why did you
keep him around for so long?
It's because he had a Costco membership,
and Mia wanted to keep using it.
They have giant cheese.
[girl] Cheese?
OK, paneer is just cheese.
[Penny] Are we swaying towards a
certain gender this evening, or
I literally do not care.
Brave.
To the hunt, and to Mia,
our boldest hunter.
And to Samara, who's left already.
What? Oh my God, she sucks!
Oh, it's you who wants sucking,
Lams.
Lams?
Oh, it's what we call Mia.
And what's the hunt?
We used to pre-drink at Amira's
sister's house every Saturday night.
We'd buy a bottle of champagne
and then we'd toast to The Hunt!
And then go find some
people to fuck.
- Mids had a pretty good hit rate.
- Who's Mids?
Oh, Mia.
Oh. You guys have
so many nicknames for her.
Penny, I contain multitudes.
You do contain multitudes.
My favorite multitude is dumb bitch,
and that's just the one I call you.
Oh, well, this dumb bitch needs
another drink.
Yes!
[club music slows down and distorts]
No, I'm buying. And can we get some
shots of Fireball please?
Fireball? How about you let this Italiano
give you a spicy little meatball?
No, that's OK.
[mouths] What the fuck?
[bartender] Who wants one? Whoo!
Oh, no, Elle can't have Fireball.
Who's Elle?
Here, Frangelico.
Ooh, OK. Here's to getting dick or pussy
of color tonight!
Molto bene!
Why can't Mia have Fireball?
Oh my God. Rahul's, remember?
I have never seen Mia so trashed.
Who ended up paying for that guitar?
- Zubair!
- Zubair!
Zubair? I don't,
I don't think I've met him.
Alright, let's go. Penny,
you have Mia's shot. You bought it.
Thanks!
[upbeat dance music plays]
- Hey!
- Italians are white.
[Mia] I'm like a white dude magnet,
I swear.
Wait, I've got it.
L for "Lamia," Mia's actual first name.
Oh, no, no,
it's from her real name.
What do you mean, her real name?
Basically all Bengali people
have a formal name
that they give to strangers
and their true name that they keep secret.
What's her true name?
Only family know that name.
But you guys aren't family.
We basically are.
- So you all have a secret name?
- Mm-hmm.
Except for Amira.
She's a fake Bengali.
It's a pointless tradition.
My mother is a pioneer.
So I'm not family?
I'm a stranger.
Penny, it's a brown thing.
You wouldn't be able to pronounce it.
Now excuse me. You're all distracting me
from my process.
[upbeat club music continues]
[chill house music plays]
[instructor] And we'll hold here for
three, two, one.
And look at you.
You're doing your first ever headstand.
Isn't it amazing what you can achieve
when you put in the effort?
- [man] Jesus!
- Oh, shit!
Sorry. Uh, can I buy you another drink?
[man] Leave me alone!
Pussy ass bitch!
Here. That'll put some fizz in your slit.
[funky dance music plays]
Did you know I don't even know my
best friend's name?
Maybe we're not best friends.
Maybe we're just convenient friends.
I tell her everything.
I told her about the time I got fingered
by that guy on
Married At First Sight.
But who's she?
I don't know.
Is Mia even her real name?
No!
Hey! How are you not cumming
in your pants just standing next to her?
Oh, this track!
[thumping club music plays]
Wanna fuck?
Wanna fuck?
Wanna get out of here? And fuck?
Why not?
Why not?
Why not?
I just really like to get to know a person
before I get physical with them.
Fucking demisexuals.
I don't even know you.
Penny, is this about the name thing?
I don't know,
why don't you ask Zubair?
It's just a combination of letters.
It doesn't matter.
OK, you know I love you
but right now,
you've just gotta find that ally
inside of you and let me focus
so I can somehow get laid.
OK? Love you.
[mimicking] I love you.
[mimicking] So I can somehow,
somehow get laid.
[lip syncing] I remember
When I was a little girl ♪
Our house caught on fire ♪
I'll never forget the look
On my father's face ♪
As he gathered me up in his arms ♪
And raced through the burning building
Onto the pavement ♪
And I stood there
Shivering in my pajamas ♪
And watched the whole world
Go up in flames ♪
And when it was all over
I said to myself ♪
Is that all there is to a fire? ♪
Is that all there is? ♪
Is that all there is? ♪
If that's all there is, my friends ♪
Then let's keep dancing ♪
[loud thumping]
[man, shouting] Shut the fuck up!
[distant hip-hop music plays]
[crashing]
[woman] Oh shit! Sorry!
How did you get this?
[woman] I go to LA a lot for work.
Oh, my friend lives there,
but she won't get me any.
She says it's like Vaseline
for influencers.
[woman] Well, that is what it is.
- I love it.
- But I love it.
[toilet flushes]
I'm Grace, by the way.
I'm Mia.
[male voice] Um, you can't be in here.
- Fuck off.
- Don't tell me what to do.
- Don't you fuckin' oppress me.
- I can do whatever I want!
- Fucking antiquated gender bullshit!
- I have a right to be here.
- Do you wanna get a drink?
- Sure.
I love using the men's bathroom.
Me too. It's the only way to avoid having
a D&M with a white woman.
I thought we were best friends,
you know?
Like if friendship's a pyramid
then I thought I was at the top.
But now I find out
I'm like halfway down.
Like I'm on the slope.
Like I'm just a stupid slope brick.
Babe! You're a frickin' beautiful brick.
I love you so much.
- I love you, Billy.
- Bobby!
You deserve to be on the top
of every pyramid.
[energetic dance music plays]
Maybe friendships
aren't like a pyramid.
Maybe they're like… a Venn diagram,
and you're just in a different circle.
Yeah, maybe.
Like, I have this friend
who's seen my boobs,
and my other friend got really jealous.
But I said to her, like,
"Sarah, sure, Alexa's seen my boobs,
but who did I ask to help me
with my hemorrhoids?"
"You, Sarah,
because I only trust you."
You can't compare boobs
to hemorrhoids.
Yeah, you can't compare
boobs to hemorrhoids.
And maybe that's the deal
with Mila…
Mia.
…and her secret brown name.
It's probably just a different friendship.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, maybe.
[text notification pings]
[mellow music plays]
[sassy drum music plays]
You're perfect.
[laughs] My friends have been
looking for me fifty minutes!
OK, I have to go.
OK.
- I love you, Penny.
- I love you, Bobby!
Oh, send me the link to the body scrub.
Yes.
Yes. Scrub-a-dub-dub, bitch!
[Penny squeals]
[Grace] You're my unicorn.
Do you wanna come home with us?
- Us?
- Yeah.
Us.
We've been looking for a third.
You're a race traitor.
Penny! What are you doing?
Are you OK?
I'm better than OK.
I realized something tonight, girls.
This is my culture.
It's like this. We're all part of, like,
a big Venn diagram,
and that's called friendship.
And you're a circle,
and you're a circle.
I'm just a different circle.
What?
You might know
Mia's secret brown name,
but that doesn't mean that I can't be
her favorite white person on the planet.
We're all beautiful.
[vomiting sounds]
Let's get you home.
OK.
Where's Samara?
[happy music plays]
I think I'm sad.
[Penny] I am white and I am proud
and I am having a shower.
[Mia] Uh, happy for you,
but you might want to rephrase.
I love you, Mia.
Let's get you to bed.
Uh, we're on the couch.
Hey. That's a nice fit, bro.
He's Sicilian.
They're oppressed.
[Austin] Mm-hmm.
In Italy.
Sorry.
Fuck off.
[upbeat reggaeton music]
I'm doing five at an open mic.
This guy heckles me,
and I absolutely destroy him.
I can't even remember what I said
'cause I was so in it, but…
yeah, no better feeling.
Mm, fuck. That's good.
You know they make this in Geelong?
It's crazy.
- So crazy.
- Yeah.
Do you live nearby?
Yeah, I have my own apartment.
Well, I'd love to see it.
My parents bought it for me.
It's the least they could do after
buying my brother a boat.
How nice.
And there's heaps of room, which is
great for recording my podcast.
It's called Food for Thor.
You familiar with the
Marvel Cinematic Universe?
No. What size bed do you have
[man] Oh, it's great. And the films are
really multicultural now,
you know. Bit like you.
Anyway, I'm so glad you wanted
to meet up
because there's so many time wasters
on the apps.
It's like, how does a girl get laid
on here?
I know! I've been through
some horrors on there.
Well maybe we should go back
to your house and talk about it.
Once this girl invited me back
to her place
and asked me to take
my shoes off at the front door.
My shoes…
Off.
I'm decolonizing my pussy.
What?
[opening theme music playing]
White men. It's like they want me
not to fuck them.
This is what I get
for betraying my heritage
and trying to fuck people
who don't scrub their bodies.
I scrub.
I need a nice brown or Asian
or whatever person to fuck.
This doesn't sound woke.
- It's activism, actually.
- Heh.
Should I decolonize my pussy?
That's fetishization.
I guess you could frame it
as reparations.
How good's your pussy?
I mean
It's only reparations
if the pussy's good.
Why don't we go out
with your family friends?
Don't they usually go to that brown club
on Friday nights?
- Yes.
- This is perfect, actually.
I was gonna wait
until your birthday brunch,
but being in a nightclub toilet
together will bond us forever.
Stop doing this!
I'm celebrating you by acknowledging
your ancestral foods.
You know I eat pumpkin seed
and grain.
- Mm.
- [Austin murmurs]
Can I bang here tonight?
I can't disrespect my Muslim parents
by cumming in their home.
You're always welcome to cum
on our couch, Mia.
Isn't that right, Austin?
Ohh…
- What you doing there, Austin?
- Memes.
When was the last time
he left the house?
He got KFC two days ago…
But they're on Uber Eats now.
Would meeting the driver
at the curb count?
Something's wrong.
He isn't interjecting in any
of our conversations.
I can't even remember the last time
he called me a little whore.
He hasn't even told me
what's wrong with my outfit.
We need to get him out of the house.
OK.
You convince him, and I'll make him
a Pimms and…
fuckin'… I don't know
what goes with Pimms.
Austin,
you have to come with us tonight
in case Penny obliterates herself.
[Penny] Who wants a Pimms and vodka?
No, thank you.
I can't take care of her
because I need to get laid,
and Penny won't stop till she has cemented
herself into every corner of my life.
Please, Austin, do this for me,
your favorite woman of color.
[Austin groans]
They'll probably play Beyoncé.
OK, fine.
But I need a couple of hours first.
[Penny] Mmm, yummy.
[Mia] Penny, I want to be sucking off
by 2 a.m., so hurry up.
[upbeat reggaeton music plays]
[car beeping]
[Mia] All I'm saying is if I get murdered,
even if it's by a white supremacist,
I don't want any political discourse.
I'm dead.
Pay attention to me
and talk about how young and hot I was.
Yeah, and we'll make sure to repeat
that to The Guardian when they call.
[Samara] If anyone would have
killed you, it would have been Todd,
so I think we're OK
Samara, isn't he the one who smashed his
TV when he lost a game of FIFA?
Oh my God, Mia, why did you
keep him around for so long?
It's because he had a Costco membership,
and Mia wanted to keep using it.
They have giant cheese.
[girl] Cheese?
OK, paneer is just cheese.
[Penny] Are we swaying towards a
certain gender this evening, or
I literally do not care.
Brave.
To the hunt, and to Mia,
our boldest hunter.
And to Samara, who's left already.
What? Oh my God, she sucks!
Oh, it's you who wants sucking,
Lams.
Lams?
Oh, it's what we call Mia.
And what's the hunt?
We used to pre-drink at Amira's
sister's house every Saturday night.
We'd buy a bottle of champagne
and then we'd toast to The Hunt!
And then go find some
people to fuck.
- Mids had a pretty good hit rate.
- Who's Mids?
Oh, Mia.
Oh. You guys have
so many nicknames for her.
Penny, I contain multitudes.
You do contain multitudes.
My favorite multitude is dumb bitch,
and that's just the one I call you.
Oh, well, this dumb bitch needs
another drink.
Yes!
[club music slows down and distorts]
No, I'm buying. And can we get some
shots of Fireball please?
Fireball? How about you let this Italiano
give you a spicy little meatball?
No, that's OK.
[mouths] What the fuck?
[bartender] Who wants one? Whoo!
Oh, no, Elle can't have Fireball.
Who's Elle?
Here, Frangelico.
Ooh, OK. Here's to getting dick or pussy
of color tonight!
Molto bene!
Why can't Mia have Fireball?
Oh my God. Rahul's, remember?
I have never seen Mia so trashed.
Who ended up paying for that guitar?
- Zubair!
- Zubair!
Zubair? I don't,
I don't think I've met him.
Alright, let's go. Penny,
you have Mia's shot. You bought it.
Thanks!
[upbeat dance music plays]
- Hey!
- Italians are white.
[Mia] I'm like a white dude magnet,
I swear.
Wait, I've got it.
L for "Lamia," Mia's actual first name.
Oh, no, no,
it's from her real name.
What do you mean, her real name?
Basically all Bengali people
have a formal name
that they give to strangers
and their true name that they keep secret.
What's her true name?
Only family know that name.
But you guys aren't family.
We basically are.
- So you all have a secret name?
- Mm-hmm.
Except for Amira.
She's a fake Bengali.
It's a pointless tradition.
My mother is a pioneer.
So I'm not family?
I'm a stranger.
Penny, it's a brown thing.
You wouldn't be able to pronounce it.
Now excuse me. You're all distracting me
from my process.
[upbeat club music continues]
[chill house music plays]
[instructor] And we'll hold here for
three, two, one.
And look at you.
You're doing your first ever headstand.
Isn't it amazing what you can achieve
when you put in the effort?
- [man] Jesus!
- Oh, shit!
Sorry. Uh, can I buy you another drink?
[man] Leave me alone!
Pussy ass bitch!
Here. That'll put some fizz in your slit.
[funky dance music plays]
Did you know I don't even know my
best friend's name?
Maybe we're not best friends.
Maybe we're just convenient friends.
I tell her everything.
I told her about the time I got fingered
by that guy on
Married At First Sight.
But who's she?
I don't know.
Is Mia even her real name?
No!
Hey! How are you not cumming
in your pants just standing next to her?
Oh, this track!
[thumping club music plays]
Wanna fuck?
Wanna fuck?
Wanna get out of here? And fuck?
Why not?
Why not?
Why not?
I just really like to get to know a person
before I get physical with them.
Fucking demisexuals.
I don't even know you.
Penny, is this about the name thing?
I don't know,
why don't you ask Zubair?
It's just a combination of letters.
It doesn't matter.
OK, you know I love you
but right now,
you've just gotta find that ally
inside of you and let me focus
so I can somehow get laid.
OK? Love you.
[mimicking] I love you.
[mimicking] So I can somehow,
somehow get laid.
[lip syncing] I remember
When I was a little girl ♪
Our house caught on fire ♪
I'll never forget the look
On my father's face ♪
As he gathered me up in his arms ♪
And raced through the burning building
Onto the pavement ♪
And I stood there
Shivering in my pajamas ♪
And watched the whole world
Go up in flames ♪
And when it was all over
I said to myself ♪
Is that all there is to a fire? ♪
Is that all there is? ♪
Is that all there is? ♪
If that's all there is, my friends ♪
Then let's keep dancing ♪
[loud thumping]
[man, shouting] Shut the fuck up!
[distant hip-hop music plays]
[crashing]
[woman] Oh shit! Sorry!
How did you get this?
[woman] I go to LA a lot for work.
Oh, my friend lives there,
but she won't get me any.
She says it's like Vaseline
for influencers.
[woman] Well, that is what it is.
- I love it.
- But I love it.
[toilet flushes]
I'm Grace, by the way.
I'm Mia.
[male voice] Um, you can't be in here.
- Fuck off.
- Don't tell me what to do.
- Don't you fuckin' oppress me.
- I can do whatever I want!
- Fucking antiquated gender bullshit!
- I have a right to be here.
- Do you wanna get a drink?
- Sure.
I love using the men's bathroom.
Me too. It's the only way to avoid having
a D&M with a white woman.
I thought we were best friends,
you know?
Like if friendship's a pyramid
then I thought I was at the top.
But now I find out
I'm like halfway down.
Like I'm on the slope.
Like I'm just a stupid slope brick.
Babe! You're a frickin' beautiful brick.
I love you so much.
- I love you, Billy.
- Bobby!
You deserve to be on the top
of every pyramid.
[energetic dance music plays]
Maybe friendships
aren't like a pyramid.
Maybe they're like… a Venn diagram,
and you're just in a different circle.
Yeah, maybe.
Like, I have this friend
who's seen my boobs,
and my other friend got really jealous.
But I said to her, like,
"Sarah, sure, Alexa's seen my boobs,
but who did I ask to help me
with my hemorrhoids?"
"You, Sarah,
because I only trust you."
You can't compare boobs
to hemorrhoids.
Yeah, you can't compare
boobs to hemorrhoids.
And maybe that's the deal
with Mila…
Mia.
…and her secret brown name.
It's probably just a different friendship.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, maybe.
[text notification pings]
[mellow music plays]
[sassy drum music plays]
You're perfect.
[laughs] My friends have been
looking for me fifty minutes!
OK, I have to go.
OK.
- I love you, Penny.
- I love you, Bobby!
Oh, send me the link to the body scrub.
Yes.
Yes. Scrub-a-dub-dub, bitch!
[Penny squeals]
[Grace] You're my unicorn.
Do you wanna come home with us?
- Us?
- Yeah.
Us.
We've been looking for a third.
You're a race traitor.
Penny! What are you doing?
Are you OK?
I'm better than OK.
I realized something tonight, girls.
This is my culture.
It's like this. We're all part of, like,
a big Venn diagram,
and that's called friendship.
And you're a circle,
and you're a circle.
I'm just a different circle.
What?
You might know
Mia's secret brown name,
but that doesn't mean that I can't be
her favorite white person on the planet.
We're all beautiful.
[vomiting sounds]
Let's get you home.
OK.
Where's Samara?
[happy music plays]
I think I'm sad.
[Penny] I am white and I am proud
and I am having a shower.
[Mia] Uh, happy for you,
but you might want to rephrase.
I love you, Mia.
Let's get you to bed.
Uh, we're on the couch.
Hey. That's a nice fit, bro.
He's Sicilian.
They're oppressed.
[Austin] Mm-hmm.
In Italy.
Sorry.
Fuck off.
[upbeat reggaeton music]