With Bob & David (2015) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 - Here.
Hold these.
- [grunts.]
Daddy, I can't hold these anymore.
Honey, I have told you, as long as you believe in yourself, you can do anything.
Let's go! [announcer.]
We now join the IOL investors' convo, already in progress.
Tech Con has been amazing, huh? We've seen the meHat, the world's first 3D digital hat - [audience laughing.]
- the digi-spoon [laughter.]
and googly-ears that hear information for you.
Now, it's time for the keynote speaker.
This is it, guys.
He promises to tell us tonight about the tech that will allow each of us to do three times the work we do now.
In fact, tonight, he's appearing here in person, but simultaneously, he's in Davos at the G3 summit.
And at the same time, he's in a hot-air balloon, high up in the stratosphere, in a one-on-one session with Richard Branson.
[audience laughing.]
How does he do it? Well, we're gonna find out tonight.
Here he is, IOL's digital soothsayer, Shangy! [Shangy.]
Digital! Digital! Shh! Digital! Shh! Digital, yeah? Digital.
Digital.
Thank you.
Back to your ivory tower, right? [audience laughing.]
Right, here we are, yes? All of us together in the here, in the now, yeah? It's all about digital, yeah? The web allows us to be everywhere with our eyes, right? - Hey, rocket.
- [audience laughing.]
Once the future, now the past.
- Noise.
- [audience laughing.]
Communication, yeah? Through sound waves, right? Wave bye-bye.
Gone.
Digital, right.
Nature, right? Renewal, recycle.
It's a life cycle, man.
It's digital, right? Time melting.
Tempus fugit.
In-flight, gone forever.
Shoot it down.
We missed it.
- Digital.
- [audience laughing.]
Right? White man, black face.
Facing reality, reality evolving.
Digital, yeah? Micro-organisms, right? Micro is macro.
Small is big.
Up is down.
I'm a clown.
- Digital.
- [audience laughing.]
Presidents.
"Prec-edents.
" Right? Things that took place before, things in the past.
Past, present, future, now, here, that's the idea.
It's about places.
It's about digital.
Now, I can't be everywhere at once but I can be three places at once.
- "What?" - Yeah, that's right.
- "Shangy, tell us.
" - I'm about to.
Hold your horses.
I'm talking about technology that allows me to do that, yeah? Right? But I'm not talking about digitech.
I'm talking about the oldest technology ever invented.
I'm talking about brothers! My name is James Shangwell.
I'm the youngest of three brothers, grew up in extreme poverty in Bloomington, Indiana.
My father worked at a stationery factory and he'd bring home the discarded or damaged envelopes from the presser for us to play with.
It was all we could afford.
I'd spend literally hours just pushing them pushing them as far as they could go.
So, yeah, I've got two older brothers, and they're just sitting there, untapped, potential wasted.
I mean, one's a bleeding roofer, the other's a surgeon.
Big deal, get in the queue.
So I put 'em to work as me! They call me Shangy 2.
My name is Rick Shangwell.
I'm James's older brother.
Um, I have a mustache.
[chuckles.]
Uh, I'm an oncologist at Sloan Kettering, where I'm currently helping to develop a non-invasive technique to eradicate prostate cancer.
But my brother turned me on to this gig, and I got to say it's way easier and way more lucrative.
I get to meet interesting people.
- [wind blowing.]
- Digital, right? It's the future, Richard, but the future's upon us now, so becomes the present.
You know that, I know that, and here's the thing.
- [fire roaring.]
- It's all bits and bytes, Richard.
It's tip tap, send, delete it, retweet it.
So, yes, filling in for my younger brother is a pretty sweet deal.
And if I can't fill in, then we send our oldest brother, George.
[in Russian.]
funnier than I am, I promise.
Our keynote speaker Shangy 3! - [audience cheering.]
- [shoes squeaking.]
[lisping.]
Thank you, Vladimir Plutin! Okay.
Computers! What's inside a computer? No one really knows.
And no one will ever know.
The future will be people gathering together in tribes, yeah? Clusters, yeah? Sharing apps.
My name is George Shangwell.
I'm a roofer.
[stutters.]
I was.
I fell off the roof a couple times.
That's why the, uh, slurvenly speech pattern.
Does anyone here like email? - No one likes it.
Stop using it.
- [audience laughing.]
Has anyone here got a smartphone? Put it away.
It's over already.
The future will be digital.
[all applauding.]
They love it when I play my brother.
I don't even memorize his stuff anymore.
I just make it up on my own.
As long as you say the word "digital" every couple words, you're golden.
Okay, enough about that.
Who wants to smash some watermelons? [all cheering loudly.]
Pull up your plastics.
Digital! [all cheering loudly.]
[announcer.]
This segment of Shark Kitchen is brought to you by Popcorn.
"Don't just corn, pop corn!" And by Dr.
Kobbs' Electric Corn De-Popper.
"Want that corn back?" [host.]
Tonight, live on Shark Kitchen Three chefs compete in culinary kung fu.
Each course must feature shark and three other items.
Tonight, they are a cup of water, Chinese pepper radish, a second cup of water.
Let's meet our judges, owner of popular Portland restaurant, A Pot To Bisque In, Chef Scooter Tysen.
Owner of the LA food truck, Oink! Oink! Dead! Amora Pentragon.
And, finally, owner of a popular sub shop in Massachusetts, Salem Sandwich Trials, Chef Duke Pylon.
Now, let's meet our competitors.
First up, he's a divorced father with two darling girls.
He runs a bagel shop by day and plays in a UFO tribute band at night.
From San Diego, Chef Gregg Sharick.
Chef Gregg, what brings you to Shark Kitchen? Well, I just love food and I wanna show everyone that single dads rock.
Up next, Chef Peter Richie, from Arcata, California, is an executive chef and a father of three young children.
And I understand, Peter, that your children recently underwent quite a tragedy? Yeah, it's true.
Uh, we lost everything in Hurricane Carmela.
And it's really important to me to show my kids that you can persevere through any hardship and that, you know, material possessions don't mean anything when compared to family love.
- Hurrah for that! - Thank you.
Yeah, that is tough stuff.
Up next, we have Chef Chrissy.
She owns her own breakfast spot in San Francisco, Hey, Honey, I'm Ham! Chef Chrissy, what brings you here? Well, guys, guess what? I'm deaf.
I'm here to prove to deaf people everywhere that we can cook too.
And also to all the little, uh, girls out there who are deaf, if you believe in yourself, you can do anything! - Oh, beautiful sentiment, beautiful lady.
- Yeah.
You go, girl.
All right, can I just say, I also tell my girls all the time, "If you believe in yourself, you can do anything.
" So, told one of 'em that this morning, so Let's applaud for Chef Chrissy.
- I think we've covered that, thank you.
- [Gregg.]
Okay.
All right.
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
Now, each chef gets one piece of shark Uh, one second, one thing I forgot to mention.
Uh, one of my daughters is also a little slow, too.
She has, uh she has learning disabilities.
Uh, what do the judges think about that? That could be a bit of a difficult situation.
It is, thank you.
There's plenty of resources to help you with that.
- Okay.
Great, thank you.
- [host.]
All right.
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
- Now, you may not think 20 - Uh, quick question on the rules.
- Yeah, now's the time for that, I guess.
- [Gregg.]
Okay.
Uh, I've heard that when someone has a sense they're missing one of their senses, that the other senses are, kind of They're goosed, your They kinda come [whistles.]
up higher in power.
And that would mean Chef Chrissy has better eyeballs to see with and nose-smelling than me.
That's not fair.
That makes me a handicapped person.
No, that's not true.
- Not gonna agree there.
- No.
Not at all.
Okay, thanks for clearing that up.
All right, chefs.
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
- Now, the chefs are gonna have - Oh, shit, my wife is blind! Oh, my wife is legally blind! - Your wife? - Yes.
You just said that you were a single dad.
My ex-wife.
I should have said.
God! Uh Oh! I should say my daughters' mother is blind.
And she can't drive at night.
She shouldn't drive, not without glasses, so Tonight, I am playing for new eyes for my wife.
- My ex-wife.
That's even better, so - Okay.
Can we start? Yeah, can we start? Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Oh! Also, um a charity that I'd like to start, which will help people who've had a volcano? - You mean hurricanes? - A hurricane on their house.
That means that if I win tonight, then that will also help Chef Peter, so - Okay, thanks, I guess.
- [Gregg.]
Okay, well, you're welcome.
That's great.
So all right.
And also a charity for, uh, well, blind kids 'cause, uh, I'm gonna get them fresh new eyes, so Not just any eyes.
I'm gonna take eyes from, uh bad people uh, murderers and racists, and I'm gonna [pops.]
pop 'em out of their head and stick it in the kid's eye.
That's good, right? - No.
- No.
[Chrissy.]
Uh, excuse me.
- Guys, is he still talking? - Yeah, he's done.
Believe us.
- Okay, he's done.
- Fuck! Shit! Hey, hey, hey, hey! We are on live television right now.
Yeah, all right, well, I'm You know, I'm coming down with Tourette's, so it's It's seasonal, it's seasonal.
Cock! Tits! Okay, that's not funny.
You know what? I think we should take his two cups of water away.
- What? No! - I'm sorry, if you keep interrupting [Gregg.]
Okay, UFO.
I'm in [laughs.]
I'm in a UFO tribute band! Did you hear that? I couldn't even get into a Kiss tribute band? Come on.
We're not even allowed to play the songs of UFO.
They sued us! We have to change the lyrics.
We can't sing "Doctor Doctor.
" We have to sing "Dentist Dentist.
" Now that's pretty sad, right? - Yeah, that's worse than being deaf.
- There! It's worse than being deaf! Great! Let's go! Sharks are circling! All right, chefs.
The sharks are circling, let's get to cooking.
[director.]
And we're out of time.
- Fuck! - Fuck! [theme music playing.]
Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry, uh, with Citizens Against Unlawful Abuse, and I am being made to stop at what looks like an impromptu checkpoint, here on the corner of Racine and Wellington.
And, uh, I'm going to show you how to maintain your rights in the face of police harassment.
Hello, sir.
Can you roll down your window, please? Sir, I want to tell you that I'm a legal citizen of the United States and a constitutionalist.
And, um, to inform you that you're being taped right now.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, roll your window down, please.
I'm only required by state law to roll down my window just enough to facilitate conversation and passage of documents.
Um, according to the California State law, you only need to roll down your window two inches to facilitate conversation and passage of documents.
- Can - Am I being accused of a crime, Officer? You are not.
Can I see your documents, please? - Could I see your documents now? - Why am I being detained, Officer? You have a legal right to know why you're being detained.
No, no, just a routine sobriety check.
I was gonna wave you through, actually, but then I saw you weaving in the lane, and, uh, thought you might be fiddling with your your cellphone.
[stammers.]
Okay.
Here's my, uh, license and registration.
This is all I'm required by law to show you.
Sure.
Yep.
That is all you're required by law to show, your license and Well, everything seems to be in order, sir.
You're free to go.
Um You move along and have a nice day.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, well, sometimes they're Uh, some of these officers are new and don't know the exact concept of what they're supposed to do.
Uh so Okay, you are legally required to pull over at all police checkpoints, but once you do, that's when your rights come into play.
Let's watch this now.
License and registration I I mean, didn't I Didn't I just see you? Okay, um, if you've accidentally left your window down as I just have, you are legally allowed to roll it back up to just the two inches required by California State Law.
Sir, you're free to go through.
You can go right on through.
Uh, okay, I'm cooperating fully, Officer.
- [sighs.]
License and registration.
- Okay, no, that's fine, thank you.
I I've seen those already.
So you can just move along and have a nice day, okay? Okay, I'm not required to have a nice day, Officer.
No, I suppose you're not.
Um Do you need help? No, thank you, Officer.
If I'm not being accused of anything, then I should be able to leave on my own recognizance.
- Sure.
- [stammers.]
In the, um, case of Dempsey Well, sir, could Please move along.
I've got a lot of cars [Gilvin.]
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Are you new here or do you need [officer.]
No, I'm not new.
I'm just saying Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry with another Know Your Rights video.
You've got rights.
You need to know when to use 'em.
God damn it! Okay.
Liquor smell.
All right.
And, uh this would do it.
Okay Here we go.
No, sir, move along.
- Officer, Officer.
- Yeah.
[exhaling heavily.]
Hi! I'm not buying it, sir.
I'm not biting, okay? Seriously, we gotta move along.
Let's go.
Uh, you might wanna check my rear taillight, Officer.
Yeah, get that Get that fixed, okay? - Did you check? Did you see what happened? - I saw.
There's a crack there.
So, you could just get that fixed.
Oh, I'd say there's more than a crack, Officer.
Here we go! Sir, I'm confident that you can remedy the situation.
- So, just, uh, move along please, okay? - Come on.
Please.
All right.
What the fuck? Hello, brother! - How could I be of service to you today? - No.
Jerry! Is this the guy that's been dicking you around? - Yeah.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- We got a job to do here.
- Okay.
Officer, I'm fully cooperating.
- License and registration - Yeah? Cooperate with this.
- Oh, God! - All right, step out of the car, sir.
If you could just step out Now, let's get this undone.
- Yeah! That feel good? Come on.
- Wait! No! Finally, here we go.
Oh, God, it stings.
Okay! Officer, I am taping this interaction.
Okay? - Okay.
- [Taser crackling.]
Oh, Jesus! Shit! [urinating.]
Oh, it's okay to swear.
You have a legal right to swear.
Oh, God! - Is this taping going all right? - [screams.]
[retching.]
- [officer 1.]
Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa! - [officer 2.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! It is in your right to vomit - it's completely okay.
- Sir? And you do not have to control your bowels.
That's the Mendeznez clause.
Could you keep it down a little? We're trying to We're trying to clear the traffic out there.
- [retching.]
- Oh, for God's sake.
- Watch your boots.
- [Gilvin whimpering.]
[officer 2.]
Yuck! This is Gilvin Daughtry [panting.]
for Know Your Rights video saying, that's a wrap! - Okay.
- [Gilvin grunts.]
- Greetings, Mr.
Jacobs.
- [breathing heavily.]
Welcome to my island.
Doctor Sherman, what's going on? Why are we here? I have hunted, in my lifetime, every big game known to man, from the behemoth black rhino to the ferocious Bengal tiger.
Every game, save for one.
The human animal.
- [chuckles.]
- Yeah! Yeah, that's a great idea! Because, you've never Wait a second.
You You mean to murder me? You monster! - Come now, Mr.
Jacobs, it's hardly - Ken, Ken.
Ken, yes, fine! It's hardly murder.
What fun is there for me if I don't give you at least a sporting chance? And to that end, I have given myself a handicap.
I will have but one, single bullet.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
Wow.
You call this sporting? With me travel weary, you rested and sharp, I'll be dead within 15 minutes and we both know it.
Why don't you just shoot me now? Well, that's not what this is about, Mr.
Jacobs.
- Ken.
- Fine.
It's Okay, yes, I'm nothing if not an equitable fair man.
So I will do something to even us out.
I, uh What do I have? A-ha! Yes! [laughs.]
I shall drink this entire bottle of Nite Time cough syrup.
Mmm! Finish it all now, every dram.
Few more drams.
Mmm! [sighs.]
Fuller than I remember it.
Now, the hunt can begin.
- Easy enough for you.
- What? How is that easy? What You just drank all the antihistamine on this jungle island.
And here I am, my sinuses stuffed with jungle allergies.
- Ha-ha! Clever plan, sir.
- No, that was never part of any plan.
- A-ha! - [stutters.]
All right, Jacobs, I get it.
Your allergies have dulled your senses.
All right, fine! I, too, shall dull my senses to make it an even fight.
Yes! Ha-ha! I will wear this fishbowl on my head.
That will dull my senses.
An empty fishbowl? As clear as the clearest thing ever? No! But, rather, a fishbowl filled with jungle fish! And how will an upside-down fishbowl hold fish? Think, Doctor! Damn it, Jacobs! Ken, Ken, sorry.
I'm sorry, Ken.
Uh, come on, help me out here, all right? - I mean - Poisonous scorpions? Yes! Brilliant! I will fill the fishbowl with poisonous scorpions! One clumsy move and I'll be stung to death.
[laughs.]
- How's that? - Still, quite easy for you.
Wait! This was your idea! You've got, uh those nice shoes.
- Now walk around.
See how those fit.
- They're good, sir.
They're good.
But I do wish you'd wear sausages around your neck.
I'm sorry? Wear sausages? Doctor, the scent of fear emanating from my body will alert every wild animal in the jungle.
You must have an equal scent to balance out mine, yes? 'Tis true! This is your lucky day, Ken.
For, I have with me, a series of bangers from Gunderson and Sons.
And let me tell you, the sons do all the work.
All right.
Now, I am positively draped in delicious sausages.
- Guess what? Now, I'm hungry.
[chuckles.]
- Ken The pork loin was delicious but the creamed asparagus stole the show.
Where should I put this? - I can't hear what you're saying.
- I can't hear what you're saying.
I can't hear what you're - I can't hear you.
Are you talking? - Okay! I understand.
Understood, understood.
Here we go.
All right.
Yes, allow me.
- Thank you.
- You enjoyed it? - That was very good.
- Beautiful! All right! Now you are fully sated.
You're well-clothed and I'm fully handicapped.
You've got the bells on? [bells jingling.]
And the itching suppositories are in place.
I drank the two large glasses of colon cleanse, and I turned my pants into a flag.
Now the hunt can begin! [clicks tongue.]
Easy enough for you.
Well, how is it easy, Ken? I've done everything you asked.
I don't understand [sighs.]
You want the gun, don't you? No! Come on.
It's me, Ken.
I'm no hunter.
I wouldn't know which end to point at you.
[chuckles.]
Doctor you've spent your life in the wild, learning to hunt.
And I've spent the last 30 years behind a desk with my nose in a ledger.
There's no way this is gonna be a fair match.
- [sighs.]
- This is a charade, Doctor.
A charade, Doctor! I'm sorry, Ken.
I've let both of us down.
I don't know what to do to make Wait a second.
I have the answer.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
That makes no sense at all.
- Hey, buddy.
- Yes.
Justin and I are gonna hit the bar.
How long you gonna be? [sighing.]
Twenty-nine years, four months, and 13 days.
[clicks tongue.]
Eh, we're not gonna wait.
Sorry.
But then the hunt shall begin.
[chuckles.]
Carry the three, plus 42 Can't believe it took, like, over an hour to mic us for this thing.
- I know.
For a short scene, too.
- Yeah.
- You got anything funny to say or - No, not really.
- They didn't write anything.
- Oh [rock music playing.]
Chuck Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck Banana-nana-fo Yeah, yeah, Ted.
Fuck! Chuck! [laughing.]
What's up, jackoff? Well, Jeanie left me.
Oh.
After 12 years, man.
Can you believe it? [inhales deeply.]
Wow! You know what? Good riddance.
Right? - I mean, she was bad for you.
- Mmm - Dude, she was bad for the world.
- Come on, dude.
She wasn't that bad.
No, I'm sorry! But Jeanie was, and you know she was, and everybody said she was - a cunt.
- No.
I'm sorry! But she exhibited cunty behavior, and that's why we called her a cunt, 'cause she was a cunt.
Even women called her a cunt.
Did that What? She's right behind me, isn't she? Oh - Oh, hey, Jeanie, I - Hmm.
- [Jeanie.]
Wow.
- [Ted sighs.]
Uh Jimbo! How you been, douchebag? Ah, actually, kinda had a tough week.
Ellen, my boss, she fired me.
- Ah, fuck her.
- No, man.
I totally deserved it.
- I was constantly late.
- No, she's a big "C", man.
Followed by a big "U-N-T".
And what does that spell? Dude, I really don't wanna say that word What? Cunt! I'll say it.
She's a cunt, she was and is a cunt.
Yeah.
No, no, no, I'm taking the word back from the feminazis and the femifascists.
- Cunt, there it is! She's - Ted! Right behind me, isn't she? Hi, Ellen.
[slow country music playing.]
You're looking a little morose there, Teddy boy.
Yeah, well, I tend to get a little morose around this time of year.
It's around this time that my mom gave me up for adoption.
I was seven.
Wow, that's [inhales deeply.]
I bet you miss her.
No! I hate her.
I was a perfect kid and she didn't want me.
Fuck her! She's a cunt! - Whoa! - No! That's what she is, a cunt.
Feels good to say.
I mean it, too.
[scoffs.]
She Really? Don't fuck with me.
I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life.
Turn around.
[gasps.]
Mommy! [stammering.]
I'm sorry I called you a cunt.
Oh, don't be.
It brought us together.
Yeah it did! Ted Bletchley? Your country needs you.
A missing kid.
What do you want me to do? Call her a cunt.
That little girl? She didn't do anything to me.
Her parents are here.
They've seen what you can do.
Please, Ted.
Bring her back.
You're our only hope.
- Uh, I don't - Say it! Call her the C-word.
- Well, it doesn't really - It's a powerful word, Ted.
Ted, please! - Fucking cunt! - Yes! - Thank you, Ted.
- Lay into her.
- More, Ted.
Please.
- [stuttering.]
I can't believe the little cunt ran away.
- Yeah! Lay it on harder.
- Give it to her! Come on.
Stop holding back.
[stuttering.]
That cunt can take a flying fuck back to Cuntville.
- Yes! [gasps.]
- Oh, Mary! [woman giggling.]
Mary? [giggles.]
I did it! [woman.]
Good.
Come on.
- Okay, are we done here, Cochise? - I wish.
[clears throat.]
He's the head of a major terrorist organization.
Yeah, look, I'm not really a political guy.
This guy is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of American soldiers.
Surely, you can call him a cunt.
Hey! You don't tell me my job! I don't know why I've been given this power.
I'm just a regular, run-of-the-mill douchebag.
I don't know why God has chosen to give me this gift.
- He's a vegan.
- You fucking vegan cunt, motherfucker! Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can't eat? You moralistic piece of shit.
Oh, I ain't done.
Uh-uh! Where do you get your moral superiority from anyway? Uh-uh.
No, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get you back in [announcer 1.]
Modern downhill skiing has seen records fall continuously as athletes strive to shave off milliseconds from their runs.
But in 1942 at the Winter Olympics in Berne, Switzerland, Waif Nickelson shocked the skiing world when he posted a then record of three minutes and 2.
3 seconds in the downhill, cutting days off the previous record.
In fact, he came in so early that literally no one was expecting his arrival yet.
[announcer 2.]
And coming down the finish line is Waif Nickelson! I can't believe he's done it.
- What the hell is that? - He's beat the world record.
That's a skier.
- You've just witnessed sports history.
- Come on.
Wow! Waif Nickelson, what a run! You shattered the previous world record by, what is it, nine days? How'd you do it? [panting.]
Well, I was skiing all the way down the hill and here I am.
And did you have any particular strategy that led you to this triumphant win? Mainly, sir, I, uh, I just didn't stop.
I just kept skiing all the way down the hill.
So, you really wanted that gold medal, huh? [chuckles.]
No, sir, I don't care about medals.
I just wanted to get the skiing part over with.
You know, I don't like skiing.
It's It's cold and it's wet.
It's kind of a miserable chore, really.
Of course it is.
Everyone knows that.
That's why the other racers are still up there, taking breaks.
Yes, sir.
The, uh, fella from Denmark is making homemade Gurshwitz for everyone else.
I just I'd rather have a hot toddy inside the ski lodge, you know? Get it over with.
That's my motto.
"Get it over with.
" Brilliant.
Yeah, we shouldn't even be out here.
It's freezing! Yeah, he's right.
Let's cut this.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
You guys, too.
[theme music playing.]
Yes, so, I came in three days and eight hours - ahead of the Swiss skier - Incredible.
and a full week and three minutes ahead of the bronze medalist, Gerhard from Germany.
But it was no special effort on my part.
Well, I hate to disagree, but you're just being modest right now.
Right? - That's right! - No, no, really, I'm not.
Well, Waif, your love for skiing really comes through.
It's palpable.
Well, I hope that's not the case, because that's not how I feel.
I detest skiing intensely.
Okay.
But agree to disagree, right? No, no.
Don't you understand? See, because I hated skiing, that's why I was in a hurry.
Well, listen, Waif, uh, when you were up there and competing, it seems that you were really fueled by your quest for the gold.
No, no, no.
Please understand, the medals were just a by-product of my hatred for skiing.
- Again, agree to disagree.
- No.
No, no.
No.
No.
- When you ski now - Yes.
you must think back on your racing days fondly I don't ski now.
Well, sir, I mean, you don't ski professionally - but in your day-to-day skiing - No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I don't ski ever.
I don't ice skate, I don't toboggan What do you do when it's cold? Well, I did make a snow angel two years ago.
That sounds good.
I hated it.
It was a nightmare.
All right, well, uh [clears throat.]
Waif, you are really a true hero.
- You're a champion.
- Yes.
And, uh, your love for skiing is really palpable.
- Of course, agree to agree on that score.
- You agree? Yes.
[chuckles.]
Yes! - Okay.
- Fuck it.
It was pure genius.
Everyone was applying the Nickelson theorem, "Get it over with.
" I mean, that became his trademark line.
He got several endorsement deals.
Also I'm transitioning.
I suppose it's neither here nor there.
Uh Throughout the '40s, Waif's "get it over with" motto infiltrated every sport.
Um, the three-point rule was added to basketball.
Nobody wanted to have to dribble and then run all the way down the court.
Uh, what else, uh? Oh, boxing.
Yes, they changed the rule so that when one fighter was knocked out, that was the end of the fight.
The "get it over with" theory infiltrated all of society.
Uh, novellas were invented.
Uh, speed-walking came to be.
What else? Um Comedy sketch writing.
Okay, that's it.
I'm done.
Will somebody get my car? Hey, honey.
It's me, your husband, Shangy 2! You married Shangy 2.
Now try the best.
- This one's for you, bro.
- [sighs.]
- [Shangy 3.]
Ready for business? - Yeah.
What the fuck? Have you been fucking our brother's wife? I was filling in, weren't I? Bullshit, I'm the fill-in! I'm not getting in the middle of this.
You brothers work it out.
What do you have to say for yourself? - Digital! - [Shangy 3.]
What? You [Shangy 2.]
Right, Richard.
Smartphones.
Not so smartphones.
- [Shangy.]
Digital! Digital.
- [popping.]
[Shangy 2.]
Digital! Digital!
Hold these.
- [grunts.]
Daddy, I can't hold these anymore.
Honey, I have told you, as long as you believe in yourself, you can do anything.
Let's go! [announcer.]
We now join the IOL investors' convo, already in progress.
Tech Con has been amazing, huh? We've seen the meHat, the world's first 3D digital hat - [audience laughing.]
- the digi-spoon [laughter.]
and googly-ears that hear information for you.
Now, it's time for the keynote speaker.
This is it, guys.
He promises to tell us tonight about the tech that will allow each of us to do three times the work we do now.
In fact, tonight, he's appearing here in person, but simultaneously, he's in Davos at the G3 summit.
And at the same time, he's in a hot-air balloon, high up in the stratosphere, in a one-on-one session with Richard Branson.
[audience laughing.]
How does he do it? Well, we're gonna find out tonight.
Here he is, IOL's digital soothsayer, Shangy! [Shangy.]
Digital! Digital! Shh! Digital! Shh! Digital, yeah? Digital.
Digital.
Thank you.
Back to your ivory tower, right? [audience laughing.]
Right, here we are, yes? All of us together in the here, in the now, yeah? It's all about digital, yeah? The web allows us to be everywhere with our eyes, right? - Hey, rocket.
- [audience laughing.]
Once the future, now the past.
- Noise.
- [audience laughing.]
Communication, yeah? Through sound waves, right? Wave bye-bye.
Gone.
Digital, right.
Nature, right? Renewal, recycle.
It's a life cycle, man.
It's digital, right? Time melting.
Tempus fugit.
In-flight, gone forever.
Shoot it down.
We missed it.
- Digital.
- [audience laughing.]
Right? White man, black face.
Facing reality, reality evolving.
Digital, yeah? Micro-organisms, right? Micro is macro.
Small is big.
Up is down.
I'm a clown.
- Digital.
- [audience laughing.]
Presidents.
"Prec-edents.
" Right? Things that took place before, things in the past.
Past, present, future, now, here, that's the idea.
It's about places.
It's about digital.
Now, I can't be everywhere at once but I can be three places at once.
- "What?" - Yeah, that's right.
- "Shangy, tell us.
" - I'm about to.
Hold your horses.
I'm talking about technology that allows me to do that, yeah? Right? But I'm not talking about digitech.
I'm talking about the oldest technology ever invented.
I'm talking about brothers! My name is James Shangwell.
I'm the youngest of three brothers, grew up in extreme poverty in Bloomington, Indiana.
My father worked at a stationery factory and he'd bring home the discarded or damaged envelopes from the presser for us to play with.
It was all we could afford.
I'd spend literally hours just pushing them pushing them as far as they could go.
So, yeah, I've got two older brothers, and they're just sitting there, untapped, potential wasted.
I mean, one's a bleeding roofer, the other's a surgeon.
Big deal, get in the queue.
So I put 'em to work as me! They call me Shangy 2.
My name is Rick Shangwell.
I'm James's older brother.
Um, I have a mustache.
[chuckles.]
Uh, I'm an oncologist at Sloan Kettering, where I'm currently helping to develop a non-invasive technique to eradicate prostate cancer.
But my brother turned me on to this gig, and I got to say it's way easier and way more lucrative.
I get to meet interesting people.
- [wind blowing.]
- Digital, right? It's the future, Richard, but the future's upon us now, so becomes the present.
You know that, I know that, and here's the thing.
- [fire roaring.]
- It's all bits and bytes, Richard.
It's tip tap, send, delete it, retweet it.
So, yes, filling in for my younger brother is a pretty sweet deal.
And if I can't fill in, then we send our oldest brother, George.
[in Russian.]
funnier than I am, I promise.
Our keynote speaker Shangy 3! - [audience cheering.]
- [shoes squeaking.]
[lisping.]
Thank you, Vladimir Plutin! Okay.
Computers! What's inside a computer? No one really knows.
And no one will ever know.
The future will be people gathering together in tribes, yeah? Clusters, yeah? Sharing apps.
My name is George Shangwell.
I'm a roofer.
[stutters.]
I was.
I fell off the roof a couple times.
That's why the, uh, slurvenly speech pattern.
Does anyone here like email? - No one likes it.
Stop using it.
- [audience laughing.]
Has anyone here got a smartphone? Put it away.
It's over already.
The future will be digital.
[all applauding.]
They love it when I play my brother.
I don't even memorize his stuff anymore.
I just make it up on my own.
As long as you say the word "digital" every couple words, you're golden.
Okay, enough about that.
Who wants to smash some watermelons? [all cheering loudly.]
Pull up your plastics.
Digital! [all cheering loudly.]
[announcer.]
This segment of Shark Kitchen is brought to you by Popcorn.
"Don't just corn, pop corn!" And by Dr.
Kobbs' Electric Corn De-Popper.
"Want that corn back?" [host.]
Tonight, live on Shark Kitchen Three chefs compete in culinary kung fu.
Each course must feature shark and three other items.
Tonight, they are a cup of water, Chinese pepper radish, a second cup of water.
Let's meet our judges, owner of popular Portland restaurant, A Pot To Bisque In, Chef Scooter Tysen.
Owner of the LA food truck, Oink! Oink! Dead! Amora Pentragon.
And, finally, owner of a popular sub shop in Massachusetts, Salem Sandwich Trials, Chef Duke Pylon.
Now, let's meet our competitors.
First up, he's a divorced father with two darling girls.
He runs a bagel shop by day and plays in a UFO tribute band at night.
From San Diego, Chef Gregg Sharick.
Chef Gregg, what brings you to Shark Kitchen? Well, I just love food and I wanna show everyone that single dads rock.
Up next, Chef Peter Richie, from Arcata, California, is an executive chef and a father of three young children.
And I understand, Peter, that your children recently underwent quite a tragedy? Yeah, it's true.
Uh, we lost everything in Hurricane Carmela.
And it's really important to me to show my kids that you can persevere through any hardship and that, you know, material possessions don't mean anything when compared to family love.
- Hurrah for that! - Thank you.
Yeah, that is tough stuff.
Up next, we have Chef Chrissy.
She owns her own breakfast spot in San Francisco, Hey, Honey, I'm Ham! Chef Chrissy, what brings you here? Well, guys, guess what? I'm deaf.
I'm here to prove to deaf people everywhere that we can cook too.
And also to all the little, uh, girls out there who are deaf, if you believe in yourself, you can do anything! - Oh, beautiful sentiment, beautiful lady.
- Yeah.
You go, girl.
All right, can I just say, I also tell my girls all the time, "If you believe in yourself, you can do anything.
" So, told one of 'em that this morning, so Let's applaud for Chef Chrissy.
- I think we've covered that, thank you.
- [Gregg.]
Okay.
All right.
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
Now, each chef gets one piece of shark Uh, one second, one thing I forgot to mention.
Uh, one of my daughters is also a little slow, too.
She has, uh she has learning disabilities.
Uh, what do the judges think about that? That could be a bit of a difficult situation.
It is, thank you.
There's plenty of resources to help you with that.
- Okay.
Great, thank you.
- [host.]
All right.
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
- Now, you may not think 20 - Uh, quick question on the rules.
- Yeah, now's the time for that, I guess.
- [Gregg.]
Okay.
Uh, I've heard that when someone has a sense they're missing one of their senses, that the other senses are, kind of They're goosed, your They kinda come [whistles.]
up higher in power.
And that would mean Chef Chrissy has better eyeballs to see with and nose-smelling than me.
That's not fair.
That makes me a handicapped person.
No, that's not true.
- Not gonna agree there.
- No.
Not at all.
Okay, thanks for clearing that up.
All right, chefs.
The sharks are circling, let's get cooking.
- Now, the chefs are gonna have - Oh, shit, my wife is blind! Oh, my wife is legally blind! - Your wife? - Yes.
You just said that you were a single dad.
My ex-wife.
I should have said.
God! Uh Oh! I should say my daughters' mother is blind.
And she can't drive at night.
She shouldn't drive, not without glasses, so Tonight, I am playing for new eyes for my wife.
- My ex-wife.
That's even better, so - Okay.
Can we start? Yeah, can we start? Yeah.
[chuckles.]
Oh! Also, um a charity that I'd like to start, which will help people who've had a volcano? - You mean hurricanes? - A hurricane on their house.
That means that if I win tonight, then that will also help Chef Peter, so - Okay, thanks, I guess.
- [Gregg.]
Okay, well, you're welcome.
That's great.
So all right.
And also a charity for, uh, well, blind kids 'cause, uh, I'm gonna get them fresh new eyes, so Not just any eyes.
I'm gonna take eyes from, uh bad people uh, murderers and racists, and I'm gonna [pops.]
pop 'em out of their head and stick it in the kid's eye.
That's good, right? - No.
- No.
[Chrissy.]
Uh, excuse me.
- Guys, is he still talking? - Yeah, he's done.
Believe us.
- Okay, he's done.
- Fuck! Shit! Hey, hey, hey, hey! We are on live television right now.
Yeah, all right, well, I'm You know, I'm coming down with Tourette's, so it's It's seasonal, it's seasonal.
Cock! Tits! Okay, that's not funny.
You know what? I think we should take his two cups of water away.
- What? No! - I'm sorry, if you keep interrupting [Gregg.]
Okay, UFO.
I'm in [laughs.]
I'm in a UFO tribute band! Did you hear that? I couldn't even get into a Kiss tribute band? Come on.
We're not even allowed to play the songs of UFO.
They sued us! We have to change the lyrics.
We can't sing "Doctor Doctor.
" We have to sing "Dentist Dentist.
" Now that's pretty sad, right? - Yeah, that's worse than being deaf.
- There! It's worse than being deaf! Great! Let's go! Sharks are circling! All right, chefs.
The sharks are circling, let's get to cooking.
[director.]
And we're out of time.
- Fuck! - Fuck! [theme music playing.]
Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry, uh, with Citizens Against Unlawful Abuse, and I am being made to stop at what looks like an impromptu checkpoint, here on the corner of Racine and Wellington.
And, uh, I'm going to show you how to maintain your rights in the face of police harassment.
Hello, sir.
Can you roll down your window, please? Sir, I want to tell you that I'm a legal citizen of the United States and a constitutionalist.
And, um, to inform you that you're being taped right now.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, roll your window down, please.
I'm only required by state law to roll down my window just enough to facilitate conversation and passage of documents.
Um, according to the California State law, you only need to roll down your window two inches to facilitate conversation and passage of documents.
- Can - Am I being accused of a crime, Officer? You are not.
Can I see your documents, please? - Could I see your documents now? - Why am I being detained, Officer? You have a legal right to know why you're being detained.
No, no, just a routine sobriety check.
I was gonna wave you through, actually, but then I saw you weaving in the lane, and, uh, thought you might be fiddling with your your cellphone.
[stammers.]
Okay.
Here's my, uh, license and registration.
This is all I'm required by law to show you.
Sure.
Yep.
That is all you're required by law to show, your license and Well, everything seems to be in order, sir.
You're free to go.
Um You move along and have a nice day.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, well, sometimes they're Uh, some of these officers are new and don't know the exact concept of what they're supposed to do.
Uh so Okay, you are legally required to pull over at all police checkpoints, but once you do, that's when your rights come into play.
Let's watch this now.
License and registration I I mean, didn't I Didn't I just see you? Okay, um, if you've accidentally left your window down as I just have, you are legally allowed to roll it back up to just the two inches required by California State Law.
Sir, you're free to go through.
You can go right on through.
Uh, okay, I'm cooperating fully, Officer.
- [sighs.]
License and registration.
- Okay, no, that's fine, thank you.
I I've seen those already.
So you can just move along and have a nice day, okay? Okay, I'm not required to have a nice day, Officer.
No, I suppose you're not.
Um Do you need help? No, thank you, Officer.
If I'm not being accused of anything, then I should be able to leave on my own recognizance.
- Sure.
- [stammers.]
In the, um, case of Dempsey Well, sir, could Please move along.
I've got a lot of cars [Gilvin.]
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Are you new here or do you need [officer.]
No, I'm not new.
I'm just saying Okay, this is Gilvin Daughtry with another Know Your Rights video.
You've got rights.
You need to know when to use 'em.
God damn it! Okay.
Liquor smell.
All right.
And, uh this would do it.
Okay Here we go.
No, sir, move along.
- Officer, Officer.
- Yeah.
[exhaling heavily.]
Hi! I'm not buying it, sir.
I'm not biting, okay? Seriously, we gotta move along.
Let's go.
Uh, you might wanna check my rear taillight, Officer.
Yeah, get that Get that fixed, okay? - Did you check? Did you see what happened? - I saw.
There's a crack there.
So, you could just get that fixed.
Oh, I'd say there's more than a crack, Officer.
Here we go! Sir, I'm confident that you can remedy the situation.
- So, just, uh, move along please, okay? - Come on.
Please.
All right.
What the fuck? Hello, brother! - How could I be of service to you today? - No.
Jerry! Is this the guy that's been dicking you around? - Yeah.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- We got a job to do here.
- Okay.
Officer, I'm fully cooperating.
- License and registration - Yeah? Cooperate with this.
- Oh, God! - All right, step out of the car, sir.
If you could just step out Now, let's get this undone.
- Yeah! That feel good? Come on.
- Wait! No! Finally, here we go.
Oh, God, it stings.
Okay! Officer, I am taping this interaction.
Okay? - Okay.
- [Taser crackling.]
Oh, Jesus! Shit! [urinating.]
Oh, it's okay to swear.
You have a legal right to swear.
Oh, God! - Is this taping going all right? - [screams.]
[retching.]
- [officer 1.]
Whoa! Hey! Whoa, whoa! - [officer 2.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! It is in your right to vomit - it's completely okay.
- Sir? And you do not have to control your bowels.
That's the Mendeznez clause.
Could you keep it down a little? We're trying to We're trying to clear the traffic out there.
- [retching.]
- Oh, for God's sake.
- Watch your boots.
- [Gilvin whimpering.]
[officer 2.]
Yuck! This is Gilvin Daughtry [panting.]
for Know Your Rights video saying, that's a wrap! - Okay.
- [Gilvin grunts.]
- Greetings, Mr.
Jacobs.
- [breathing heavily.]
Welcome to my island.
Doctor Sherman, what's going on? Why are we here? I have hunted, in my lifetime, every big game known to man, from the behemoth black rhino to the ferocious Bengal tiger.
Every game, save for one.
The human animal.
- [chuckles.]
- Yeah! Yeah, that's a great idea! Because, you've never Wait a second.
You You mean to murder me? You monster! - Come now, Mr.
Jacobs, it's hardly - Ken, Ken.
Ken, yes, fine! It's hardly murder.
What fun is there for me if I don't give you at least a sporting chance? And to that end, I have given myself a handicap.
I will have but one, single bullet.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
Wow.
You call this sporting? With me travel weary, you rested and sharp, I'll be dead within 15 minutes and we both know it.
Why don't you just shoot me now? Well, that's not what this is about, Mr.
Jacobs.
- Ken.
- Fine.
It's Okay, yes, I'm nothing if not an equitable fair man.
So I will do something to even us out.
I, uh What do I have? A-ha! Yes! [laughs.]
I shall drink this entire bottle of Nite Time cough syrup.
Mmm! Finish it all now, every dram.
Few more drams.
Mmm! [sighs.]
Fuller than I remember it.
Now, the hunt can begin.
- Easy enough for you.
- What? How is that easy? What You just drank all the antihistamine on this jungle island.
And here I am, my sinuses stuffed with jungle allergies.
- Ha-ha! Clever plan, sir.
- No, that was never part of any plan.
- A-ha! - [stutters.]
All right, Jacobs, I get it.
Your allergies have dulled your senses.
All right, fine! I, too, shall dull my senses to make it an even fight.
Yes! Ha-ha! I will wear this fishbowl on my head.
That will dull my senses.
An empty fishbowl? As clear as the clearest thing ever? No! But, rather, a fishbowl filled with jungle fish! And how will an upside-down fishbowl hold fish? Think, Doctor! Damn it, Jacobs! Ken, Ken, sorry.
I'm sorry, Ken.
Uh, come on, help me out here, all right? - I mean - Poisonous scorpions? Yes! Brilliant! I will fill the fishbowl with poisonous scorpions! One clumsy move and I'll be stung to death.
[laughs.]
- How's that? - Still, quite easy for you.
Wait! This was your idea! You've got, uh those nice shoes.
- Now walk around.
See how those fit.
- They're good, sir.
They're good.
But I do wish you'd wear sausages around your neck.
I'm sorry? Wear sausages? Doctor, the scent of fear emanating from my body will alert every wild animal in the jungle.
You must have an equal scent to balance out mine, yes? 'Tis true! This is your lucky day, Ken.
For, I have with me, a series of bangers from Gunderson and Sons.
And let me tell you, the sons do all the work.
All right.
Now, I am positively draped in delicious sausages.
- Guess what? Now, I'm hungry.
[chuckles.]
- Ken The pork loin was delicious but the creamed asparagus stole the show.
Where should I put this? - I can't hear what you're saying.
- I can't hear what you're saying.
I can't hear what you're - I can't hear you.
Are you talking? - Okay! I understand.
Understood, understood.
Here we go.
All right.
Yes, allow me.
- Thank you.
- You enjoyed it? - That was very good.
- Beautiful! All right! Now you are fully sated.
You're well-clothed and I'm fully handicapped.
You've got the bells on? [bells jingling.]
And the itching suppositories are in place.
I drank the two large glasses of colon cleanse, and I turned my pants into a flag.
Now the hunt can begin! [clicks tongue.]
Easy enough for you.
Well, how is it easy, Ken? I've done everything you asked.
I don't understand [sighs.]
You want the gun, don't you? No! Come on.
It's me, Ken.
I'm no hunter.
I wouldn't know which end to point at you.
[chuckles.]
Doctor you've spent your life in the wild, learning to hunt.
And I've spent the last 30 years behind a desk with my nose in a ledger.
There's no way this is gonna be a fair match.
- [sighs.]
- This is a charade, Doctor.
A charade, Doctor! I'm sorry, Ken.
I've let both of us down.
I don't know what to do to make Wait a second.
I have the answer.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
That makes no sense at all.
- Hey, buddy.
- Yes.
Justin and I are gonna hit the bar.
How long you gonna be? [sighing.]
Twenty-nine years, four months, and 13 days.
[clicks tongue.]
Eh, we're not gonna wait.
Sorry.
But then the hunt shall begin.
[chuckles.]
Carry the three, plus 42 Can't believe it took, like, over an hour to mic us for this thing.
- I know.
For a short scene, too.
- Yeah.
- You got anything funny to say or - No, not really.
- They didn't write anything.
- Oh [rock music playing.]
Chuck Chuck, Chuck, bo-buck Banana-nana-fo Yeah, yeah, Ted.
Fuck! Chuck! [laughing.]
What's up, jackoff? Well, Jeanie left me.
Oh.
After 12 years, man.
Can you believe it? [inhales deeply.]
Wow! You know what? Good riddance.
Right? - I mean, she was bad for you.
- Mmm - Dude, she was bad for the world.
- Come on, dude.
She wasn't that bad.
No, I'm sorry! But Jeanie was, and you know she was, and everybody said she was - a cunt.
- No.
I'm sorry! But she exhibited cunty behavior, and that's why we called her a cunt, 'cause she was a cunt.
Even women called her a cunt.
Did that What? She's right behind me, isn't she? Oh - Oh, hey, Jeanie, I - Hmm.
- [Jeanie.]
Wow.
- [Ted sighs.]
Uh Jimbo! How you been, douchebag? Ah, actually, kinda had a tough week.
Ellen, my boss, she fired me.
- Ah, fuck her.
- No, man.
I totally deserved it.
- I was constantly late.
- No, she's a big "C", man.
Followed by a big "U-N-T".
And what does that spell? Dude, I really don't wanna say that word What? Cunt! I'll say it.
She's a cunt, she was and is a cunt.
Yeah.
No, no, no, I'm taking the word back from the feminazis and the femifascists.
- Cunt, there it is! She's - Ted! Right behind me, isn't she? Hi, Ellen.
[slow country music playing.]
You're looking a little morose there, Teddy boy.
Yeah, well, I tend to get a little morose around this time of year.
It's around this time that my mom gave me up for adoption.
I was seven.
Wow, that's [inhales deeply.]
I bet you miss her.
No! I hate her.
I was a perfect kid and she didn't want me.
Fuck her! She's a cunt! - Whoa! - No! That's what she is, a cunt.
Feels good to say.
I mean it, too.
[scoffs.]
She Really? Don't fuck with me.
I've been dreaming of this moment my entire life.
Turn around.
[gasps.]
Mommy! [stammering.]
I'm sorry I called you a cunt.
Oh, don't be.
It brought us together.
Yeah it did! Ted Bletchley? Your country needs you.
A missing kid.
What do you want me to do? Call her a cunt.
That little girl? She didn't do anything to me.
Her parents are here.
They've seen what you can do.
Please, Ted.
Bring her back.
You're our only hope.
- Uh, I don't - Say it! Call her the C-word.
- Well, it doesn't really - It's a powerful word, Ted.
Ted, please! - Fucking cunt! - Yes! - Thank you, Ted.
- Lay into her.
- More, Ted.
Please.
- [stuttering.]
I can't believe the little cunt ran away.
- Yeah! Lay it on harder.
- Give it to her! Come on.
Stop holding back.
[stuttering.]
That cunt can take a flying fuck back to Cuntville.
- Yes! [gasps.]
- Oh, Mary! [woman giggling.]
Mary? [giggles.]
I did it! [woman.]
Good.
Come on.
- Okay, are we done here, Cochise? - I wish.
[clears throat.]
He's the head of a major terrorist organization.
Yeah, look, I'm not really a political guy.
This guy is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of American soldiers.
Surely, you can call him a cunt.
Hey! You don't tell me my job! I don't know why I've been given this power.
I'm just a regular, run-of-the-mill douchebag.
I don't know why God has chosen to give me this gift.
- He's a vegan.
- You fucking vegan cunt, motherfucker! Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can't eat? You moralistic piece of shit.
Oh, I ain't done.
Uh-uh! Where do you get your moral superiority from anyway? Uh-uh.
No, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get you back in [announcer 1.]
Modern downhill skiing has seen records fall continuously as athletes strive to shave off milliseconds from their runs.
But in 1942 at the Winter Olympics in Berne, Switzerland, Waif Nickelson shocked the skiing world when he posted a then record of three minutes and 2.
3 seconds in the downhill, cutting days off the previous record.
In fact, he came in so early that literally no one was expecting his arrival yet.
[announcer 2.]
And coming down the finish line is Waif Nickelson! I can't believe he's done it.
- What the hell is that? - He's beat the world record.
That's a skier.
- You've just witnessed sports history.
- Come on.
Wow! Waif Nickelson, what a run! You shattered the previous world record by, what is it, nine days? How'd you do it? [panting.]
Well, I was skiing all the way down the hill and here I am.
And did you have any particular strategy that led you to this triumphant win? Mainly, sir, I, uh, I just didn't stop.
I just kept skiing all the way down the hill.
So, you really wanted that gold medal, huh? [chuckles.]
No, sir, I don't care about medals.
I just wanted to get the skiing part over with.
You know, I don't like skiing.
It's It's cold and it's wet.
It's kind of a miserable chore, really.
Of course it is.
Everyone knows that.
That's why the other racers are still up there, taking breaks.
Yes, sir.
The, uh, fella from Denmark is making homemade Gurshwitz for everyone else.
I just I'd rather have a hot toddy inside the ski lodge, you know? Get it over with.
That's my motto.
"Get it over with.
" Brilliant.
Yeah, we shouldn't even be out here.
It's freezing! Yeah, he's right.
Let's cut this.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
You guys, too.
[theme music playing.]
Yes, so, I came in three days and eight hours - ahead of the Swiss skier - Incredible.
and a full week and three minutes ahead of the bronze medalist, Gerhard from Germany.
But it was no special effort on my part.
Well, I hate to disagree, but you're just being modest right now.
Right? - That's right! - No, no, really, I'm not.
Well, Waif, your love for skiing really comes through.
It's palpable.
Well, I hope that's not the case, because that's not how I feel.
I detest skiing intensely.
Okay.
But agree to disagree, right? No, no.
Don't you understand? See, because I hated skiing, that's why I was in a hurry.
Well, listen, Waif, uh, when you were up there and competing, it seems that you were really fueled by your quest for the gold.
No, no, no.
Please understand, the medals were just a by-product of my hatred for skiing.
- Again, agree to disagree.
- No.
No, no.
No.
No.
- When you ski now - Yes.
you must think back on your racing days fondly I don't ski now.
Well, sir, I mean, you don't ski professionally - but in your day-to-day skiing - No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I don't ski ever.
I don't ice skate, I don't toboggan What do you do when it's cold? Well, I did make a snow angel two years ago.
That sounds good.
I hated it.
It was a nightmare.
All right, well, uh [clears throat.]
Waif, you are really a true hero.
- You're a champion.
- Yes.
And, uh, your love for skiing is really palpable.
- Of course, agree to agree on that score.
- You agree? Yes.
[chuckles.]
Yes! - Okay.
- Fuck it.
It was pure genius.
Everyone was applying the Nickelson theorem, "Get it over with.
" I mean, that became his trademark line.
He got several endorsement deals.
Also I'm transitioning.
I suppose it's neither here nor there.
Uh Throughout the '40s, Waif's "get it over with" motto infiltrated every sport.
Um, the three-point rule was added to basketball.
Nobody wanted to have to dribble and then run all the way down the court.
Uh, what else, uh? Oh, boxing.
Yes, they changed the rule so that when one fighter was knocked out, that was the end of the fight.
The "get it over with" theory infiltrated all of society.
Uh, novellas were invented.
Uh, speed-walking came to be.
What else? Um Comedy sketch writing.
Okay, that's it.
I'm done.
Will somebody get my car? Hey, honey.
It's me, your husband, Shangy 2! You married Shangy 2.
Now try the best.
- This one's for you, bro.
- [sighs.]
- [Shangy 3.]
Ready for business? - Yeah.
What the fuck? Have you been fucking our brother's wife? I was filling in, weren't I? Bullshit, I'm the fill-in! I'm not getting in the middle of this.
You brothers work it out.
What do you have to say for yourself? - Digital! - [Shangy 3.]
What? You [Shangy 2.]
Right, Richard.
Smartphones.
Not so smartphones.
- [Shangy.]
Digital! Digital.
- [popping.]
[Shangy 2.]
Digital! Digital!