Wizards vs. Aliens (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

- There's no such thing as aliens.
- Welcome to the Zarantulus.
- We're going to die.
- Not while I'm here.
- How did you do that? - It was magic, Benny.
- What is that? - "What?" "What" will be Randal Moon, guardian of the chamber.
Go, Dad, go! It's wizards versus aliens.
And I'm ready for them.
Tom! - TEAM: - Boo! What is up with you? Nothing.
Nothing? Moose just took the ball off you and scored.
Moose! They don't call him that cos he's fast on his feet.
It's juststuff.
Stuff? And is this "stuff" why you missed the penalty against Middlebank High on Wednesday? I can't score every time.
Never seen you miss one before.
You've been hanging out with him a lot lately.
What's the matter? Your footie mates not clever enough for you? Don't be a plank, Quinn.
Look, it's the Cup Final on Monday.
You'd better dump your "stuff" by then.
You not playing? How am I supposed to play football with the Nekross up there? Aliens.
I pinch myself every morning.
Still expecting it all to turn out as some mad dream.
Everything's changed, Benny.
Everything.
I know they're up there.
I know what they're after.
You might be an apprentice wizard, and the Nekross may like magic, but they're still attacking Earth.
Why don't we tell the Army? One missile into space, and bye-bye, Nekross.
And if it isn't? Who knows what they'll throw back at Earth? We have to keep this secret.
We have to sort this out.
Wizards.
That's what we're here for, to protect the Earth.
This is my fight, Benny.
Fancy coming round mine Saturday? - I need a hand sorting out my new lab.
- Your lab?! Yeah.
Although I suppose you'd have to meet my parents.
You didn't say anything to them, did you? About the Nekross and me.
Course.
And all about your Gran's friend the hobgoblin.
And they believed every word.
No! Of course I didn't.
Never knew you were such a wind-up merchant.
- Never knew you were a wizard.
- OK, then, Saturday.
Cool.
TWO RESONANT KNOCKS Chamber of Crowe, open to me.
Reveal yourself on the knock of three.
I will never get over this.
Almost convinced myself this was a dream.
I mean, my brain is telling me it can't be real.
But it is.
It's magic, Benny.
It'll blow you away every time.
Ah! Thomas! Very good! And you brought Benny too! Pickling piskies! The chamber will be infested by the unenchanted! Oh, Moon, don't be a grumpy goblin! Benny is our friend.
And Randal Moon, mistress, is a hobgoblin! Hob! Hob! Hob! He'll have been in service to the magical line of Crowe 500 years, beneath neither daylight nor stars, and still you'll be forgetting! Of all the things that take flight from my silly old bird brain, you will never be among them, my oldest, sweetest friend.
Apart from anything, you are so much fun to tease! Now - the chest! There's something you wanted to tell me, Gran.
Oh, yes! It's Moon's idea.
A shrouding spell! I'm sorry.
I'm new here.
What's a shrouding spell? He's new here, too.
A shrouding spell will be an enchantment to hide the magic of wizards all around the world from the sky ship.
Wizards will cast their spells with no fear of the unworld ones a-spotting them.
But are you up to this, Gran? Of course not.
This is a Spell of Three.
- Spell of Three? - Three is a special number in magic.
Like, you only get three spells.
And a Spell of Three needs three wizards channelling their magic into one spell.
You'll be the third wizard, Thomas Clarke, of the magical line of Crowe.
For me? My own magical robe? The time will be here! Quickly! Quickly! Be putting on the robe of magic! And what do I do? Just stand quietly, dear.
Maybe over there, a little way.
Hear us, we'll be calling on the source to protect the children of magic from those beyond the star-glittery heavens.
From the frozen wastes to the wooded lands, from the mountains that touch the sky to the seas that kiss the shores of the Neverside.
Protect us and shroud our magic! ALL: Raa! Shey! Dah! Is that it? Are we safe? That's it! At least they won't spot us from space.
But beware - we'll still be vulnerable when the Nekross are on Earth.
I want more wizards! Apologies, Father.
Since our encounter with the boy wizard and his family, word has escaped among the wizard-kind of our presence, and appetites.
I should have drained him and the old crone when I had the opportunity.
Do not vex yourself, my father.
I have a stratagem to end your woes.
Really, sister? I cannot wait.
Tom Clarke's scent, distilled from surfaces he touched aboard the Zarantulus.
Hmm! And how does this put magic in my belly? What we need is something to track Tom Clarke.
Something that can't be stopped.
Something determined that will stalk him, trap him, suck the magic from his shattered bones.
And bring it to you, my father.
Guards - now! Sister! You have taken this from the zone of quarantine.
- It will serve our purpose.
- This is a stratagem of madness! Environmental conditions on Earth are safe for its release.
Then do it! Set the Grazlax on the boy wizard and await his screams.
LAUGHS DEMONICALLY RASPY ROAR Hey, Tom! Katie! What are you up to? Just doing a job for my dad.
Delivering leaflets.
Boredom.
Not cool.
Be cooler with two of us.
I'd like to, but I can't.
I'm sorry.
No worries.
Wait, you going to Benny's? I said I'd give him a hand.
He's building a lab.
What is it with you two? You've got matey all of a sudden.
Didn't you know? Geeks are cool now.
The only way Benny will be cool is sat in a snowdrift.
Watch he doesn't blow you up.
You must be Tom! I'm Tricia.
It's so lovely to meet you! Really, I can't tell you! VIOLIN SAWING TUNELESSLY WITHIN Hello.
Benny's nearly done.
That's him practicing.
Bless him.
He's so excited you've come over, Come in, come in! Do you play the violin, Tom? No.
No.
From the sound of it, neither does Benny.
VIOLIN SCRATCHES PAINFULLY Tom.
Sorry to interrupt the maestro.
Tom, this is Richard.
Hi, Tom.
Good to meet you.
Are you a musician, Mr Sherwood? No, not really, no.
And it's Richard.
And Tricia.
Do you play any instruments, Tom? I play a bit of electric guitar.
I hope that's not too noisy for your family.
Would you like some lemonade, Tom? It's homemade.
We don't believe in that chemical bilgewater in the shops.
not good for the grey matter, eh, Benny? Or there's fresh orange juice.
Or peppermint tea? Benny loves his herbal infusions.
No, thanks, MrsTricia.
Mum and Dad both work in IT.
But apres le travail we do enjoy the transition from ASCII to accelerando.
Come on, the lab's out back.
Yes, we'll do sandwiches later.
Our own bread.
- Organic.
You'll love it, Tom.
- Yeah, laters.
He seems such a nice boy.
And he's Benny's friend.
At last! - So, your folks are - Embarrassing.
- I was going to say "all right".
- "Embarrassing" is more accurate.
No, they're OK.
It's you that drinks the herbal infusions.
Yeah.
Funny.
GRUMBLING AND GROWLING I love them, but they drive me mad.
Everything is organic and chemical-free - so it doesn't mess up my brain.
- I need a glass of e-numbers before I can even look at my homework! And there's all the books and the music lessons.
And the quizzes.
- The quizzes? - Yeah.
We have quiz nights.
Quiz nights? Seriously? It's all to "stimulate" me.
What? I'm supposed to be gifted.
- What? Like a genius? - How many times have I blown stuff up at school? Haven't you wondered why they don't kick me out? Think about it.
Welcome to the shed of dread, the scene of hideous experiments that could warp the mind.
Such as It's a telly.
To you it's a telly.
To Mum and Dad it's like the brain cell equivalent of a black hole.
- They don't let you watch TV? - Come on, they're not the Nekross.
They let me watch TV.
As long as it's educational.
So they don't know you've got this, and this whole lab thing is really a cover-up so you can come and watch Total Wipeout? You really are a genius.
GROWLING, FOLLOWED BY FELINE WAILS OF ANGUISH Did you hear something? CAT YOWLS Next door's cat.
Mum gets fed up with it messing up her flower beds.
Are you monitoring the Grazlax? Yes.
Readings suggest it has found the boy wizard's scent.
His screams will be loud.
And short.
So your parents - are they rich? I mean, that's a big house.
Dad's got his own company.
He's a software genius.
Guess that's where I get it from.
You know, I can be a genius too, and put this whole place together with the click of my fingers.
There's a match on later.
This is my lab - it's a magic-free zone.
Not using magic is a real bore.
A-shup-ta! SNAPPING AND GROWLING Nekross or no Nekross, you just can't help showing off, can you? Sorry.
It was just instinct.
If the Nekross show up now and you're one spell down, don't say I didn't tell you.
- CLATTERING - What was that? It's just that cat from next door.
Stop freaking me out.
I'm not freaking you out.
That is.
THUMPING For a scientist, you can be pretty irrational.
Must be something to do with having a wizard for a mate.
It's just a cat on the roof.
Scratching is what cats do.
Doesn't look like any cat to me.
- What the? - Leg it! - Tom! - Get it off, get it off! - Don't panic! - It's got my leg! - I'm on it! I've got it! It's strong! - What are you doing?! Get rid of it! - I'm trying to! Whatever are they playing at down there? Hockey.
I think.
You don't think Benny's friend might be a bit too sporty for him? Sport is good for a boy.
Reminds him how much more comfortable he is in the classroom.
Pass the piccalilli for me, will you? What is that?! One of yours or one of theirs? Goblin or alien? I can feel magic in anything from the Neverside.
That's alien.
The Nekross have sent it.
They must have.
Boys! Lunch is ready! Hurry up! Boys.
Yes, Dad.
Coming! What are we going to do? Come on! Sandwiches are curling! I can't think on an empty stomach! BANGING AND CLATTERING So, Tom, your father is a veterinarian? He must be a very smart man.
Umnever really thought about it.
What about you? When you leave school, what do you want to do? And please don't say you want to be a footballer.
So many young people these days want to be footballers or actors or pop stars.
It's as if they've forgotten they have brains.
I, umI'm not sure.
Not sure? Tom wants to save the world.
Ah! An environmentalist! Tom, that's brilliant.
Brilliant! Yes.
We like to do our bit, don't we, darling? We have a sustainable multi-fuel boiler in the basement, you know.
Oh! Is everything all right? I mean, cool.
I mean, great! Yeah.
It's reallybangin'.
Plus limonade? - Please.
- No! Tom? I mean, let me.
Oh, thank you, Tom.
- You know, we took Benny to look around Oxford last summer.
- Really? - Trinity.
- Richard went to Trinity College.
We'd love for Benny to go there too.
And we took some photographs.
You must see them, Tom.
Tom doesn't want to see those.
Yes, I do! I bet they're reallydistracting.
Excellent.
I'll get them out.
You should go and help him, Mum.
You know what Dad's like.
He's a mathematical genius, but he couldn't match up a pair of socks to save his life! - It's going to get out! - We've got to get rid of your mum and dad.
- We can't let them see what's down there.
- How? Have you got a gran? Or someone on the other side of the city that they worry about? I've got a great uncle Clarence.
Why? No.
You're not casting spells over my mum and dad.
Then you give me a better idea.
Do it! Meesch-enfar-dah! We've had a call.
Your great uncle Clarence has flooded the house.
- I never even heard the phone.
- You know what he's like.
You boys can look after yourselves, can't you? Don't eat too much piccalilli.
You know what it does to your insides! Bye, baby boy! When they come back maybe you can use your last spell of the day to make them cooler? - It's out! - Mum and Dad! Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm sure he'll be all right.
- Look after him, Tom? - Yeah.
Sure.
- Be good, boys.
At least they're safe.
It's in the house! It's gone upstairs.
Boy, you really are a genius.
- Where are you going? - OK, maybe not such a genius.
- We need a plan.
- Find it.
Deal with it.
- Football's on the telly at three.
- That's what wizards call a plan? Who needs a plan when you've got magic? Maybe it's hiding - could be more scared of us than we are of it? It didn't look all that scared to me.
Typical defensive reflex.
A dog doesn't bite you because it's mean.
- It's because it's scared.
- Look, if you want to put it on a couch and ask it questions about growing up as an ankle-snapper, fine.
But first we're going to fix it so it can't bite our arms off.
CLATTERING That was my room.
Quietly.
Be careful.
Watch out! Nice one! Quick! Under here! Not good! What now?! IT SCREAMS Maifash-andwy dah! - Gotcha! - Gotcha?! That thing bit through my tennis racket, wrecked my bed! How long will a wicker basket hold it? Long enough to call my dad so we can work out what to do! He's a vet, not an exterminator! I don't believe it! I've got no credit.
It's getting out! What are you doing?! - It's getting out! - That's a Sugoi Kinzoku Robot! - A what? - It's rare! - You really are a geek! It's no good! It's getting out! Run for it! - Think that'll keep it out? - Who knows? THUMPING ON DOOR FOOTSTEPS PATTER AWAY - I think it's gone.
- A thing like that? I don't think it just goes.
I've used up all my spells and it's got us trapped.
We need help.
GROWLING AND SNARLING - Well? - It's cut the phone off.
Whatever that thing is, it's smart.
We are in big trouble.
Mum and Dad won't be at Uncle Clarence's forever, not when they find out nothing's wrong.
What are we going to do? THUMPING FROM THE WALLS What was that? Whatever it is, it's not good.
CREAKING AND CRUMBLING What's it doing? It's in the wall! - What? How can it be in the wall? - Listen to it! - It's not in the wall.
- It's in the chimney! The chimneys must be connected! IT SCREAMS Do something! - What do we do now? - I don't know! - Come on, then, Nibbles.
You want some of this? - It's just a hairdryer.
Well, maybe it doesn't know that.
HAIRDRYER WHIRRS INTO LIFE Yes! You don't like that, do you, Nibbles? SIREN SOUNDS What is happening? The body temperature of the Grazlax is increasing.
Rapidly.
What?! I don't understand! Nor do I.
But I'm reading major metabolic irregularities! How's that for a blow-dry? Well, let's really turn up the heat.
The body temperature is intensifying.
Vital signs are turning critical.
I've seen nothing like this before.
It's backing off.
It's like the hot air is drying it out.
Not such a chompy chappy now, are you? That should hold him for a while.
I am reading intense molecular instability.
Massive biological reactions.
What is happening to the Grazlax? So now we have to work out what we're going to do with it.
- WAILING AND SQUELCHING - What is that? I don't even want to guess.
SILENCE - Well? - You've got the enquiring mind.
- Maybe some things you just don't want to know.
- It's your bathroom.
- I can't hear anything.
- Come out of the way.
Do it.
- I think it died.
- It's like it exploded.
Or something exploded out of him.
WHIMPERING AND SNARLING It didn't explode.
It had kids! We must take action immediately.
The Zarantulus can exterminate the threat - with a blast from the ion pulse cannon.
- Destroy the habitation? Do it! Put the Zarantulus into full battle mode! They're obviously intelligent.
Maybe we can reason with it.