Work in Progress (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
162
1 [NARRATOR.]
Previously on Work In Progress.
- You're suicidal? - I told you that.
Every day I'm gonna throw one away.
[ABBY.]
That's Julia Sweeney.
You should go talk to her.
Hi, Ms.
Sweeney, my name is Abby.
Your character Pat ruined my life.
Pat's here.
[LAUGHS.]
I would really love to make you dinner.
You've gotta come to one of our Sunday brunches.
[ABBY.]
He's like this super confident sexy guy.
- I'm Melanie! - Melanie! [ABBY.]
I totally remember what that bar used to be called.
Hell, you remember a lot.
[ABBY.]
That's a gift.
[LIGHT CLICKS.]
I got high And I didn't come down There's no easy way to fall Right.
Hard pass, Dad.
Hard fucking pass.
Sitting on your fence It took another man's affection - To question if I was the best - Shit.
[ALARM BLARES.]
But now you're blowin' smoke at me With nothing new to say Sitting cross-legged tellin' lies I wanna tell the truth But the truth gets in the way Of getting back to makin' you [LOCKS CLICK.]
[LOCKS CLICK.]
I can't So, we're gonna have sex tonight? Right? - Hey, Chris, this is Brennan.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, man, how you doing? - Good, good, good.
Nah, not as good as - you're gonna be doing later.
- Okay.
Jesus Christ.
So, you two, you're both going to 2725 West Richmond? - Yep! - Great.
We just have to pick up one other person, but it's actually not too far outta the way, so won't be too bad.
Did I order a Lyft shared? Uh yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
Oh, who cares? Besides, it'll give us more private time to talk about tonight.
- Uh, private? - [LAUGHS.]
[BRENNAN.]
I'm not listening.
But, Brennan, I have to tell you, I'm really, really legitimately shy, - so please.
- I'm just putting up the little - No - [LAUGHTER.]
It's not a limo, sorry.
Okay, so I want to tell you what I need when we're fucking.
- Okay.
- First, don't touch my chest.
I have not been able to afford to have top surgery yet.
- Oh, okay.
- Also, if you talk in bed Wait, do you talk in bed? - Chris, I really, I don't - [BRENNAN.]
I'm still not listening.
- Brennan, come on! - Okay! - I didn't hear anything.
- That is not true! - No, I, I'm driving.
- I guess I'll find out in approximately nine hours.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, shit.
Hi, are you Brennan? Indeed, are you Diane? - [DIANE.]
Yeah, that's me.
- Come on in! Oh, you're getting in at a really good point.
Brennan, you are killin' me, dawg.
- If you talk in bed.
- I [POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hi! - Hey! Oh, my gosh.
Hey, uh, Chris, can you grab - that timer, please? - Yeah, I've got it.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
All right, so, this is Riv.
- He's from Bloomington.
- Hey.
And he's with Kai.
This is Gio.
- He's also with Kai.
- Hey, how's it goin'? - They're a throuple.
- [ABBY.]
Oh! [CHRIS.]
And you remember Al and Abby Jr.
And Oh, this is Carter.
They're with me.
[CHRIS.]
This is Carter.
They're with him.
Uh, hey, I'm Abby, I'm really happy to be 45, Capricorn, grew up in SF and drinks Miller Lite.
You bitch! Okay.
That is not something I am ashamed of! Oh, yeah, and, um, murders therapist? Okay, just so you know it was just the one so, back off, okay? All right.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
But no pattern has been established.
Well, welcome to your first family brunch.
We hope the first of many.
- Thanks.
- Oh! Ooh, do these wanna be mimosas? - Yes, please, thank you.
- [GIO.]
Or do you prefer Miller Lites? You guys, thank you so much.
I'm really thrilled.
[GIO.]
More for us.
Yes, I cannot believe this.
Do it.
You tryna make out with me right now? Yeah.
[POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHEERING.]
Abby! How you holdin' up, babe? Holdin' on by a thread.
Whoa! [ABBY.]
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Is everyone here polyamorous? [LAUGHS.]
No, I mean, I have been.
- Right.
- Riv, Kai, and Gio have been in a throuple forever, but it is an open relationship because Riv lives in Bloomington, and King makes it clear they're gonna fuck whoever they wanna fuck.
But, besides that, that's it.
How many people are you sleeping with right now? No one.
You're not sleeping with anyone? - No.
- Okay.
But, in seven hours and 30 minutes, I will be sleeping with one.
- Yeah, you.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Okay, um, in seven hours and 42 minutes? Is that when we might be exclusive? I mean, would you ever be exclusive? Can you imagine yourself with me doing that, being exclusive with me? Please don't answer 'cause I am really about to spiral like a motherfucker.
Hey, does anyone want more mimosas? - I would.
- Yes! [POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh, this is my era.
- Yes, it is.
So many romantic dreams Are merely bedroom schemes It's such a nice ideal Too bad it's rarely real We're animals at the core Instincts we can't ignore You think you're civilized You just might be surprised People talk about Love, love, love, love, love And it sounds like Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Cause they really mean sex, sex, sex, sex [CHEERING.]
Blah, blah, blah, blah so typical Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah We don't feel like we think we should I'm so sorry we have to leave early.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
It's my fault.
It's my nephew's 10th birthday.
[TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
Fuck! I ordered a Lyft share again! Motherfu Okay, so Mike is Alison's husband.
And your niece and nephew are Megan and Matty.
And your dad, Edward, will not be there.
Per usual.
I can't believe you got a bull horn for your nephew for his birthday.
Come on, it's hilarious.
I just don't think Alison is gonna like it very much.
It's not her birthday, Chris, come on.
Have you guys ever been to an escape room? - Us? - Yeah.
Uh.
No.
I've never been.
Actually, me neither 'cause it sounds like my worst nightmare.
What are you talking about? They're very, very fun.
Honestly, anytime I go to Untrapped, downtown, the one on Superior, everyone who works there knows me.
They all say Claire when I get there.
My name is Claire.
Oh! Okay, you know what? That does sound cool.
It's kinda like your norm.
Exactly.
You get it.
- Okay.
- I mean, ugh, I cannot get enough of escape rooms.
- Okay, okay.
- I mean, I'm gonna have to start to play the lotto.
- I want my escape rooms.
- Is our stop before or after yours? - After.
- Oh, okay, thanks.
So do you play the lotto? - You know, they say it's for fools.
- [TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
Oh, sorry one second.
- It's okay.
- But you know, I don't think there's anything really wrong with being a fool.
It's not always bad.
- You know what I mean? - Sorry.
Yeah.
No, it's okay.
Because a fool comes up with things, ya know, because they're not being logical, and "A" follows "B.
" I think that's how someone came up with an escape room 'cause, really, what are you doing? You're taking empty space and you're just saying: Can you get outta here? You know? Which is what I thought When I went to my first one, that's what I thought.
And it was a library! You could get a hardware store escape room.
You could get a garage escape room.
You could get a school escape room, which seems obvious 'cause you're doing puzzles, you know what I mean? You're doing math puzzles kind of.
Um, you could do a hallway escape room, which I think would be really neat.
They don't even feel like rooms, but they technically are, so then you're kind of changing what a room means.
You could do a cellar instead of a basement, which I think, I don't know the difference, but I imagine it's smaller.
Maybe it has, you know, a dirt floor.
- Musty? - Mustier! Thank you.
Woo-woo-eee! Hey, any kids around? - No, we're good.
- All right! - Don't, don't.
- What's up, bitches? - [WOMAN.]
Abby! - What? I'm bringin' it back! They're in the living room.
- All right.
Chill out, okay? - My God.
Look, those fuckers can't hear me.
I can say "fucker" because I am one.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sure you remember my sister Abby.
- Carrie, Andie.
- Hi, Abby! - How are you, Abby? - Actually really good.
Hey, it's really good to see you again.
- You as well.
- Where's Campbell? Listen to this bullshit.
She's actually at a stilt-walking workshop on the lake.
- What? That's so Campbell.
- I mean, I know, right? - Sounds about right.
- Oh, hey, guys, uh this is Chris.
Oh, hi, so nice to meet you.
- Journaling again? - Yeah, hey.
Fifteen minutes at a time, it's all good.
- All right.
- Stickin' to the plan, okay? Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Aw, somebody's a thirsty! Hey, are you suddenly too cool to talk to your favorite aunt? - You're my only aunt.
- Uh, what's up with her? - [ALISON.]
Hon! - [ABBY.]
I've got to be honest, I'm really not liking this age.
[WOMAN.]
Owen, we're out of wine! - She's mad at me.
- [ALISON.]
Why? I don't know.
Somehow I made fun of her shirt.
Honey, you can't talk about her shirt.
I didn't, I didn't say one word.
- Hey, uh, I'm Mike.
- Hey, Mike, this is Chris.
- Oh! - [ABBY.]
What? - I just realized who this is.
- Don't make fun of my shirt.
- [MIKE.]
No, I like your shirt.
- Thanks, it was seven bucks.
Oh, so now you're all talking about my shirt? - Perfect! - [ABBY.]
No! Hon! Meg, we're not talking about your shirt.
Your shirt's amazing.
We're talking about Chris's shirt, okay? Could you get your brother and tell him that his favorite aunt is here with his gift? Matt, your only aunt has a present for you.
This is a terrible age.
I just needed you guys to know, terrible.
Hey, are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? - No, I'm good, I just ate.
- Are you sure? Mike just grilled a pork shoulder.
- You wanna make yourself a plate? - I smoked a pork shoulder.
Ooh, what's his name? Does he have a sister? Or a brother? Well, it's good pork! [ABBY.]
You're good pork.
I don't even know what that means.
I know, that's exactly what I heard.
- Zing! Yeah! - What do you mean? Hey, listen, you need to talk to Dad.
Oh, is he finally back? - No.
- Is he sick or where is he? - Cameroon.
- Yeah, Doctors Without Borders.
But he's not sick, don't worry about it.
- Just give him a call.
- Just tell me why.
He's got some news.
Oh, does he not have any contempt anymore for the obese? Is that what it is? Because that would be huge news.
[MEG.]
He's getting married.
Meg! What? She was going to find out! Are you fucking kidding me, Alison? I'm sorry.
That is big news to be delivered from 8,000 miles away.
Like, what the fuck? [ALISON.]
Abby! Hey, little man.
Happy birthday, all right? Sweet, I need one of these.
- It's awesome, right, bud? - Yes, you do.
You can play with it with your friends.
You wanna go outside? [MIKE.]
Yeah, go bother Old Man Franz.
Why don't you go through the dining room.
You can take it outside.
You still thinking about your dad? No, not really.
[LAUGHTER.]
You better not give it to me.
I have herpes.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know that seemed like it came outta nowhere, but it's just a virus.
I know.
I had an ex, and I thought she loved me and wouldn't judge me, but when I told her that I had herpes, she was like: "You better never give it to me!" So, when I'm like thinking about tonight, - I'm just so - Hey, Abby.
Hey.
Look at me.
First two hours and 53 minutes.
Second, your ex was ignorant.
Is it okay if I call her that? Yeah, please.
Good, because she was.
Third, and most importantly, who cares? Herpes is no big deal.
[DRIVER COUGHING.]
I get tested every two or three weeks or so at Howard Brown.
My last test came out negative.
I have had chlamydia a few times, but not in awhile.
When was your last STD test? I mean since I haven't really had sex in about seven years.
- Oh, lucky seven.
- [BOTH SNICKERING.]
I mean, that's one way to look at it.
But I really only get tested at my yearly physical, so Wow.
That was the fastest STD reveal I've ever been a part of.
STD reveal? - Is that a thing? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, we're here.
[CHRIS.]
Appreciate it.
Hey, Abby.
I've got herpes too.
Thanks, man.
[ABBY SIGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
So, are you ready for another meal? I am so fucking full.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, also, I'm really bad in bed.
- Hello! - Hi! [JULIA.]
Oh, I'm so glad you're here! - Oh, hi! - Oh, and that you're still together! You are still together, right? I know you don't like labels.
- Julia, it's - Yes, we are.
I'm very happy about it.
Thank you so much for having us.
This is awesome.
I hope you're very hungry.
- [JULIA.]
Oh! - Oh, my husband, Al.
- This is my husband.
- Hi, how are you? - How you doing? - Hi, I'm Chris.
- Al.
- Oh Al? Al.
- "Weird Al" Yankovic? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
You're married to "Weird Al" Yankovic? Yes! Everyone knows that! Wow! I had no idea! - Did you know? - No.
Okay, so "Weird Al" Yankovic is, like, a musical comedian.
Abby, Abby, Abby, I know who "Weird Al" is.
He is not a musical comedian.
He's a legend.
Oh, no, I'm not.
[CHRIS.]
Yes, you are.
Well, for your information, he's really actually not all that weird.
In fact, he's fairly boring.
Aren't you, Al? Oh, hey, um, do you guys like sangria? Oh, he makes the best sangria.
It's all about the fruit.
All right? I found that if you, ya know, really take your time in the produce section, you know, really look around and investigate, sometimes get some help from the produce guy.
'Cause, they're, they're knowledgeable, ya know, and can save some time.
Anyway, you do all that, chances are you're gonna wind up with a pretty good variety of fruit.
Ya know, uh, pears, apples, bananas, mangosteens.
And not just types of fruit.
I mean, that's that's obvious.
That goes without saying.
But I'm talking, ya know, various ripenessess and and textures.
So, that's how you make a good sangria.
See what I mean? Sometimes I call him "Boring Al" Yankovic.
Am I right or am I right? No, "Weird Al" Yankovic, you can ramble on about fruit with me all you want.
Okay.
Oh, oh! Here's our daughter, Lula.
- Hey, hey, nice to meet ya.
- Nice to meet you too.
Lula's going to NYU in a couple of weeks.
- Wow! - Congrats! Thanks.
I'm very ready to leave the suburbs.
Oh, come on.
It's not so terrible here.
- Oh.
Okay.
Give me your backpack.
- Thank you.
And I want you to follow me to the kitchen.
- Thank you so much.
- And please make yourselves at home.
Sure, sure, sure.
[QUIET LAUGHTER.]
Oh, is that his? Whoo-ooh, don't touch it! Holy shit! Fuck! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! I cannot stand that.
- Oh, my God! - So, Julia told us how you met.
Oh, my God.
Did she tell you that I aggressively fainted on her? Yes, but it all sounded very faint-worthy.
I'm so sorry, Abby.
You know, it's just that I approach conflict like an armadillo.
I just roll up and play dead.
It's frankly not ideal.
You have to be careful with armadillos.
They can spread leprosy.
Well, they can.
- Jesus, Al! - What? Not in front of the guests! Is that specific to armadillos? What're you doing? Don't encourage him! It is, humans and armadillos are the only animals that can get leprosy.
I'm so sorry.
Dad's obsessed with skin diseases.
It's the largest organ in the body, and yet we act like we do not care.
True that, "Weird Al" Yankovic.
True that.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Dad, you always say that, but it's just a lame way to not take any responsibility.
Well, different times cause different reactions.
Yeah.
You know, I always thought of Pat as primarily an obtuse, clueless character who confused other people over Pat's gender.
I went online and I watched some clips after we hung out the other night.
And I don't mean to be rude, but Pat was not exactly a positive portrayal for gender-nonconforming folks.
Mom, you were basically a gender minstrel.
Honestly, the most offensive thing to me were those khakis.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ABBY.]
Burn! You know, I-I know what it's like.
I-I offended a lot of people with my songs.
- Yeah.
- "Like a Surgeon" really got the medical community up in arms.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Um my father's a surgeon.
He wasn't offended, so - Oh.
- Oh.
That's good.
But, "Fat"? That was offensive.
What? "Fat"? Your song, "Fat," where you dress up in a big fat suit and you make all those fat jokes.
I should never leave the house.
Hey.
No.
Your work is really important.
And it's not nearly as offensive as Pat.
No offense, Julia.
No, I-I get it.
I understand.
I'm learning.
And I'm trying to make it up to you, by making this dinner.
Well, I've gotta tell you, the cochita pibil is amazing.
It's cochinita pibil.
And thank you, Abby.
Cochinita pibil, yeah.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, same time tomorrow? I am definitely in, and not to be rude, but I wouldn't mind a little more effort in the dessert department.
I know, I'm also disappointed in my fruit cups.
Al, she's kidding.
She's kidding.
Yeah, just kidding, yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, Abby, I really enjoy spending time with you.
- Run away, Abby.
- No, I really do.
And I just want to say I'm just so happy to know you.
Me too.
Thank you so much, it means a lot.
So, I'm so excited for you.
New York is awesome.
Yeah, seriously, good times.
[ABBY.]
It's really cool, I mean, and NYU is such an amazing school, so congratulations.
- I'm really impressed.
- [LULA.]
That means a lot.
Le vent est dans la branche tramontane La mémoire est une peau tam tam Et toi la fleur de feu, pétale de nos yeux Il était une fois Il était une fois Excuse me, what's our ETA? [DRIVER.]
17 minutes.
[CHRIS.]
Thank you.
La nuit, a son espoir, la lumière Et moi, un désert, la rivière Nocturne de nos ciels Le temps d'une étincelle Il était une fois Il était une fois Oh, you've got me so fucking hot.
[PANTING.]
Me too.
It's time.
- Are you sure? - [CHRIS.]
Yeah.
Okay, now we gotta kill, like, 115% of the light, okay? You know, this is gonna make it really hard to film.
I actually can't have you joke about that right now.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[CHRIS.]
Okay.
It is really dark in here.
[ABBY.]
I never knew my clock was that bright.
[CHRIS.]
Oh, I can fix that.
[ABBY.]
Thank you.
You you are a gentleman.
[CHRIS.]
Where are you? [ABBY.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- [CRACKING.]
- Ow! [ABBY.]
Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? [CHRIS.]
No, yeah, I'm good, are you? - [ABBY.]
Yeah.
- [CHRIS.]
Okay, okay.
[ABBY.]
Oh, my God, you feel so good.
I'm such a loser.
I'm actually really close right now.
[CHRIS.]
I'm close, too.
- [PANTING.]
- [BED CREAKING.]
[ABBY.]
Fuck, why do I have so many fucking pillows? [CRASHING.]
- [CHRIS.]
Don't look! - [ABBY.]
Okay.
Okay.
- Oh, God! - Oh, shit.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, Chris, not to pre-plan, but can we go again once this is over? - Yes.
- Promise? [CHRIS.]
I promise.
[ABBY.]
I mean, I'm just having the time of my life.
[LAUGHING.]
[PANTING.]
[ABBY.]
Oh, fuck.
[MUTTERING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[BED CREAKING.]
[TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
[TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
Fuck! [GROWLS.]
Fuck off, Campbell! Fuck! [LAUGHING.]
[PANTING.]
[CHRIS.]
Are you okay? [ABBY.]
Yeah.
I'm just really trying to focus right now.
Ow! [CHRIS.]
Oh, my God, are you okay? [ABBY.]
Fuck.
I poked myself in the eye! - [CHRIS.]
Turn on the lights? - [ABBY.]
No, no, no! - Fuck no, no, no.
- Okay.
No, no don't stop.
No, no, don't stop.
[PANTING, MOANING.]
Don't stop, don't.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Don't stop.
Oh, my God.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Oh, God.
[PANTING.]
[CHRIS.]
That was so fucking good.
[ABBY.]
Oh, thank God.
I thought you were gonna say horrible.
- No.
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, God, that was good.
You're good.
Oh, fuck.
All right.
Hey, uh, can I turn on the light for a sec? I think I might've broken my nose.
- [CHRIS.]
Oh, my God.
- [ABBY.]
I know.
Well, who cares, right? It was well worth it.
Ooh.
All good over here.
[CHRIS.]
Ah, voice.
[ABBY.]
Hey, ready to go again? Yeah.
- Oh, my God, babe! Your eye! - It's fine.
Just one more time and then I'll go to the ER, okay? It's fine.
- Okay.
- It's fine.
Okay.
No, no, lights, lights, lights, lights.
Previously on Work In Progress.
- You're suicidal? - I told you that.
Every day I'm gonna throw one away.
[ABBY.]
That's Julia Sweeney.
You should go talk to her.
Hi, Ms.
Sweeney, my name is Abby.
Your character Pat ruined my life.
Pat's here.
[LAUGHS.]
I would really love to make you dinner.
You've gotta come to one of our Sunday brunches.
[ABBY.]
He's like this super confident sexy guy.
- I'm Melanie! - Melanie! [ABBY.]
I totally remember what that bar used to be called.
Hell, you remember a lot.
[ABBY.]
That's a gift.
[LIGHT CLICKS.]
I got high And I didn't come down There's no easy way to fall Right.
Hard pass, Dad.
Hard fucking pass.
Sitting on your fence It took another man's affection - To question if I was the best - Shit.
[ALARM BLARES.]
But now you're blowin' smoke at me With nothing new to say Sitting cross-legged tellin' lies I wanna tell the truth But the truth gets in the way Of getting back to makin' you [LOCKS CLICK.]
[LOCKS CLICK.]
I can't So, we're gonna have sex tonight? Right? - Hey, Chris, this is Brennan.
- Hey, hey.
- Hey, man, how you doing? - Good, good, good.
Nah, not as good as - you're gonna be doing later.
- Okay.
Jesus Christ.
So, you two, you're both going to 2725 West Richmond? - Yep! - Great.
We just have to pick up one other person, but it's actually not too far outta the way, so won't be too bad.
Did I order a Lyft shared? Uh yeah.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
Oh, who cares? Besides, it'll give us more private time to talk about tonight.
- Uh, private? - [LAUGHS.]
[BRENNAN.]
I'm not listening.
But, Brennan, I have to tell you, I'm really, really legitimately shy, - so please.
- I'm just putting up the little - No - [LAUGHTER.]
It's not a limo, sorry.
Okay, so I want to tell you what I need when we're fucking.
- Okay.
- First, don't touch my chest.
I have not been able to afford to have top surgery yet.
- Oh, okay.
- Also, if you talk in bed Wait, do you talk in bed? - Chris, I really, I don't - [BRENNAN.]
I'm still not listening.
- Brennan, come on! - Okay! - I didn't hear anything.
- That is not true! - No, I, I'm driving.
- I guess I'll find out in approximately nine hours.
Oh, my God.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, shit.
Hi, are you Brennan? Indeed, are you Diane? - [DIANE.]
Yeah, that's me.
- Come on in! Oh, you're getting in at a really good point.
Brennan, you are killin' me, dawg.
- If you talk in bed.
- I [POP MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hi! - Hey! Oh, my gosh.
Hey, uh, Chris, can you grab - that timer, please? - Yeah, I've got it.
- Of course.
- Thank you.
All right, so, this is Riv.
- He's from Bloomington.
- Hey.
And he's with Kai.
This is Gio.
- He's also with Kai.
- Hey, how's it goin'? - They're a throuple.
- [ABBY.]
Oh! [CHRIS.]
And you remember Al and Abby Jr.
And Oh, this is Carter.
They're with me.
[CHRIS.]
This is Carter.
They're with him.
Uh, hey, I'm Abby, I'm really happy to be 45, Capricorn, grew up in SF and drinks Miller Lite.
You bitch! Okay.
That is not something I am ashamed of! Oh, yeah, and, um, murders therapist? Okay, just so you know it was just the one so, back off, okay? All right.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
But no pattern has been established.
Well, welcome to your first family brunch.
We hope the first of many.
- Thanks.
- Oh! Ooh, do these wanna be mimosas? - Yes, please, thank you.
- [GIO.]
Or do you prefer Miller Lites? You guys, thank you so much.
I'm really thrilled.
[GIO.]
More for us.
Yes, I cannot believe this.
Do it.
You tryna make out with me right now? Yeah.
[POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[CHEERING.]
Abby! How you holdin' up, babe? Holdin' on by a thread.
Whoa! [ABBY.]
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Is everyone here polyamorous? [LAUGHS.]
No, I mean, I have been.
- Right.
- Riv, Kai, and Gio have been in a throuple forever, but it is an open relationship because Riv lives in Bloomington, and King makes it clear they're gonna fuck whoever they wanna fuck.
But, besides that, that's it.
How many people are you sleeping with right now? No one.
You're not sleeping with anyone? - No.
- Okay.
But, in seven hours and 30 minutes, I will be sleeping with one.
- Yeah, you.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
Okay, um, in seven hours and 42 minutes? Is that when we might be exclusive? I mean, would you ever be exclusive? Can you imagine yourself with me doing that, being exclusive with me? Please don't answer 'cause I am really about to spiral like a motherfucker.
Hey, does anyone want more mimosas? - I would.
- Yes! [POP MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Oh, this is my era.
- Yes, it is.
So many romantic dreams Are merely bedroom schemes It's such a nice ideal Too bad it's rarely real We're animals at the core Instincts we can't ignore You think you're civilized You just might be surprised People talk about Love, love, love, love, love And it sounds like Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah Cause they really mean sex, sex, sex, sex [CHEERING.]
Blah, blah, blah, blah so typical Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah We don't feel like we think we should I'm so sorry we have to leave early.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
It's my fault.
It's my nephew's 10th birthday.
[TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
Fuck! I ordered a Lyft share again! Motherfu Okay, so Mike is Alison's husband.
And your niece and nephew are Megan and Matty.
And your dad, Edward, will not be there.
Per usual.
I can't believe you got a bull horn for your nephew for his birthday.
Come on, it's hilarious.
I just don't think Alison is gonna like it very much.
It's not her birthday, Chris, come on.
Have you guys ever been to an escape room? - Us? - Yeah.
Uh.
No.
I've never been.
Actually, me neither 'cause it sounds like my worst nightmare.
What are you talking about? They're very, very fun.
Honestly, anytime I go to Untrapped, downtown, the one on Superior, everyone who works there knows me.
They all say Claire when I get there.
My name is Claire.
Oh! Okay, you know what? That does sound cool.
It's kinda like your norm.
Exactly.
You get it.
- Okay.
- I mean, ugh, I cannot get enough of escape rooms.
- Okay, okay.
- I mean, I'm gonna have to start to play the lotto.
- I want my escape rooms.
- Is our stop before or after yours? - After.
- Oh, okay, thanks.
So do you play the lotto? - You know, they say it's for fools.
- [TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
Oh, sorry one second.
- It's okay.
- But you know, I don't think there's anything really wrong with being a fool.
It's not always bad.
- You know what I mean? - Sorry.
Yeah.
No, it's okay.
Because a fool comes up with things, ya know, because they're not being logical, and "A" follows "B.
" I think that's how someone came up with an escape room 'cause, really, what are you doing? You're taking empty space and you're just saying: Can you get outta here? You know? Which is what I thought When I went to my first one, that's what I thought.
And it was a library! You could get a hardware store escape room.
You could get a garage escape room.
You could get a school escape room, which seems obvious 'cause you're doing puzzles, you know what I mean? You're doing math puzzles kind of.
Um, you could do a hallway escape room, which I think would be really neat.
They don't even feel like rooms, but they technically are, so then you're kind of changing what a room means.
You could do a cellar instead of a basement, which I think, I don't know the difference, but I imagine it's smaller.
Maybe it has, you know, a dirt floor.
- Musty? - Mustier! Thank you.
Woo-woo-eee! Hey, any kids around? - No, we're good.
- All right! - Don't, don't.
- What's up, bitches? - [WOMAN.]
Abby! - What? I'm bringin' it back! They're in the living room.
- All right.
Chill out, okay? - My God.
Look, those fuckers can't hear me.
I can say "fucker" because I am one.
[LAUGHING.]
I'm sure you remember my sister Abby.
- Carrie, Andie.
- Hi, Abby! - How are you, Abby? - Actually really good.
Hey, it's really good to see you again.
- You as well.
- Where's Campbell? Listen to this bullshit.
She's actually at a stilt-walking workshop on the lake.
- What? That's so Campbell.
- I mean, I know, right? - Sounds about right.
- Oh, hey, guys, uh this is Chris.
Oh, hi, so nice to meet you.
- Journaling again? - Yeah, hey.
Fifteen minutes at a time, it's all good.
- All right.
- Stickin' to the plan, okay? Oh, hey, hey, hey.
Aw, somebody's a thirsty! Hey, are you suddenly too cool to talk to your favorite aunt? - You're my only aunt.
- Uh, what's up with her? - [ALISON.]
Hon! - [ABBY.]
I've got to be honest, I'm really not liking this age.
[WOMAN.]
Owen, we're out of wine! - She's mad at me.
- [ALISON.]
Why? I don't know.
Somehow I made fun of her shirt.
Honey, you can't talk about her shirt.
I didn't, I didn't say one word.
- Hey, uh, I'm Mike.
- Hey, Mike, this is Chris.
- Oh! - [ABBY.]
What? - I just realized who this is.
- Don't make fun of my shirt.
- [MIKE.]
No, I like your shirt.
- Thanks, it was seven bucks.
Oh, so now you're all talking about my shirt? - Perfect! - [ABBY.]
No! Hon! Meg, we're not talking about your shirt.
Your shirt's amazing.
We're talking about Chris's shirt, okay? Could you get your brother and tell him that his favorite aunt is here with his gift? Matt, your only aunt has a present for you.
This is a terrible age.
I just needed you guys to know, terrible.
Hey, are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? - No, I'm good, I just ate.
- Are you sure? Mike just grilled a pork shoulder.
- You wanna make yourself a plate? - I smoked a pork shoulder.
Ooh, what's his name? Does he have a sister? Or a brother? Well, it's good pork! [ABBY.]
You're good pork.
I don't even know what that means.
I know, that's exactly what I heard.
- Zing! Yeah! - What do you mean? Hey, listen, you need to talk to Dad.
Oh, is he finally back? - No.
- Is he sick or where is he? - Cameroon.
- Yeah, Doctors Without Borders.
But he's not sick, don't worry about it.
- Just give him a call.
- Just tell me why.
He's got some news.
Oh, does he not have any contempt anymore for the obese? Is that what it is? Because that would be huge news.
[MEG.]
He's getting married.
Meg! What? She was going to find out! Are you fucking kidding me, Alison? I'm sorry.
That is big news to be delivered from 8,000 miles away.
Like, what the fuck? [ALISON.]
Abby! Hey, little man.
Happy birthday, all right? Sweet, I need one of these.
- It's awesome, right, bud? - Yes, you do.
You can play with it with your friends.
You wanna go outside? [MIKE.]
Yeah, go bother Old Man Franz.
Why don't you go through the dining room.
You can take it outside.
You still thinking about your dad? No, not really.
[LAUGHTER.]
You better not give it to me.
I have herpes.
[CHUCKLES.]
I know that seemed like it came outta nowhere, but it's just a virus.
I know.
I had an ex, and I thought she loved me and wouldn't judge me, but when I told her that I had herpes, she was like: "You better never give it to me!" So, when I'm like thinking about tonight, - I'm just so - Hey, Abby.
Hey.
Look at me.
First two hours and 53 minutes.
Second, your ex was ignorant.
Is it okay if I call her that? Yeah, please.
Good, because she was.
Third, and most importantly, who cares? Herpes is no big deal.
[DRIVER COUGHING.]
I get tested every two or three weeks or so at Howard Brown.
My last test came out negative.
I have had chlamydia a few times, but not in awhile.
When was your last STD test? I mean since I haven't really had sex in about seven years.
- Oh, lucky seven.
- [BOTH SNICKERING.]
I mean, that's one way to look at it.
But I really only get tested at my yearly physical, so Wow.
That was the fastest STD reveal I've ever been a part of.
STD reveal? - Is that a thing? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, hey, we're here.
[CHRIS.]
Appreciate it.
Hey, Abby.
I've got herpes too.
Thanks, man.
[ABBY SIGHS.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
So, are you ready for another meal? I am so fucking full.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, also, I'm really bad in bed.
- Hello! - Hi! [JULIA.]
Oh, I'm so glad you're here! - Oh, hi! - Oh, and that you're still together! You are still together, right? I know you don't like labels.
- Julia, it's - Yes, we are.
I'm very happy about it.
Thank you so much for having us.
This is awesome.
I hope you're very hungry.
- [JULIA.]
Oh! - Oh, my husband, Al.
- This is my husband.
- Hi, how are you? - How you doing? - Hi, I'm Chris.
- Al.
- Oh Al? Al.
- "Weird Al" Yankovic? - Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
You're married to "Weird Al" Yankovic? Yes! Everyone knows that! Wow! I had no idea! - Did you know? - No.
Okay, so "Weird Al" Yankovic is, like, a musical comedian.
Abby, Abby, Abby, I know who "Weird Al" is.
He is not a musical comedian.
He's a legend.
Oh, no, I'm not.
[CHRIS.]
Yes, you are.
Well, for your information, he's really actually not all that weird.
In fact, he's fairly boring.
Aren't you, Al? Oh, hey, um, do you guys like sangria? Oh, he makes the best sangria.
It's all about the fruit.
All right? I found that if you, ya know, really take your time in the produce section, you know, really look around and investigate, sometimes get some help from the produce guy.
'Cause, they're, they're knowledgeable, ya know, and can save some time.
Anyway, you do all that, chances are you're gonna wind up with a pretty good variety of fruit.
Ya know, uh, pears, apples, bananas, mangosteens.
And not just types of fruit.
I mean, that's that's obvious.
That goes without saying.
But I'm talking, ya know, various ripenessess and and textures.
So, that's how you make a good sangria.
See what I mean? Sometimes I call him "Boring Al" Yankovic.
Am I right or am I right? No, "Weird Al" Yankovic, you can ramble on about fruit with me all you want.
Okay.
Oh, oh! Here's our daughter, Lula.
- Hey, hey, nice to meet ya.
- Nice to meet you too.
Lula's going to NYU in a couple of weeks.
- Wow! - Congrats! Thanks.
I'm very ready to leave the suburbs.
Oh, come on.
It's not so terrible here.
- Oh.
Okay.
Give me your backpack.
- Thank you.
And I want you to follow me to the kitchen.
- Thank you so much.
- And please make yourselves at home.
Sure, sure, sure.
[QUIET LAUGHTER.]
Oh, is that his? Whoo-ooh, don't touch it! Holy shit! Fuck! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, my God! I cannot stand that.
- Oh, my God! - So, Julia told us how you met.
Oh, my God.
Did she tell you that I aggressively fainted on her? Yes, but it all sounded very faint-worthy.
I'm so sorry, Abby.
You know, it's just that I approach conflict like an armadillo.
I just roll up and play dead.
It's frankly not ideal.
You have to be careful with armadillos.
They can spread leprosy.
Well, they can.
- Jesus, Al! - What? Not in front of the guests! Is that specific to armadillos? What're you doing? Don't encourage him! It is, humans and armadillos are the only animals that can get leprosy.
I'm so sorry.
Dad's obsessed with skin diseases.
It's the largest organ in the body, and yet we act like we do not care.
True that, "Weird Al" Yankovic.
True that.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Dad, you always say that, but it's just a lame way to not take any responsibility.
Well, different times cause different reactions.
Yeah.
You know, I always thought of Pat as primarily an obtuse, clueless character who confused other people over Pat's gender.
I went online and I watched some clips after we hung out the other night.
And I don't mean to be rude, but Pat was not exactly a positive portrayal for gender-nonconforming folks.
Mom, you were basically a gender minstrel.
Honestly, the most offensive thing to me were those khakis.
[LAUGHTER.]
[ABBY.]
Burn! You know, I-I know what it's like.
I-I offended a lot of people with my songs.
- Yeah.
- "Like a Surgeon" really got the medical community up in arms.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Um my father's a surgeon.
He wasn't offended, so - Oh.
- Oh.
That's good.
But, "Fat"? That was offensive.
What? "Fat"? Your song, "Fat," where you dress up in a big fat suit and you make all those fat jokes.
I should never leave the house.
Hey.
No.
Your work is really important.
And it's not nearly as offensive as Pat.
No offense, Julia.
No, I-I get it.
I understand.
I'm learning.
And I'm trying to make it up to you, by making this dinner.
Well, I've gotta tell you, the cochita pibil is amazing.
It's cochinita pibil.
And thank you, Abby.
Cochinita pibil, yeah.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, same time tomorrow? I am definitely in, and not to be rude, but I wouldn't mind a little more effort in the dessert department.
I know, I'm also disappointed in my fruit cups.
Al, she's kidding.
She's kidding.
Yeah, just kidding, yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
Well, Abby, I really enjoy spending time with you.
- Run away, Abby.
- No, I really do.
And I just want to say I'm just so happy to know you.
Me too.
Thank you so much, it means a lot.
So, I'm so excited for you.
New York is awesome.
Yeah, seriously, good times.
[ABBY.]
It's really cool, I mean, and NYU is such an amazing school, so congratulations.
- I'm really impressed.
- [LULA.]
That means a lot.
Le vent est dans la branche tramontane La mémoire est une peau tam tam Et toi la fleur de feu, pétale de nos yeux Il était une fois Il était une fois Excuse me, what's our ETA? [DRIVER.]
17 minutes.
[CHRIS.]
Thank you.
La nuit, a son espoir, la lumière Et moi, un désert, la rivière Nocturne de nos ciels Le temps d'une étincelle Il était une fois Il était une fois Oh, you've got me so fucking hot.
[PANTING.]
Me too.
It's time.
- Are you sure? - [CHRIS.]
Yeah.
Okay, now we gotta kill, like, 115% of the light, okay? You know, this is gonna make it really hard to film.
I actually can't have you joke about that right now.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[CHRIS.]
Okay.
It is really dark in here.
[ABBY.]
I never knew my clock was that bright.
[CHRIS.]
Oh, I can fix that.
[ABBY.]
Thank you.
You you are a gentleman.
[CHRIS.]
Where are you? [ABBY.]
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
- [CRACKING.]
- Ow! [ABBY.]
Oh, I'm so sorry! Are you okay? [CHRIS.]
No, yeah, I'm good, are you? - [ABBY.]
Yeah.
- [CHRIS.]
Okay, okay.
[ABBY.]
Oh, my God, you feel so good.
I'm such a loser.
I'm actually really close right now.
[CHRIS.]
I'm close, too.
- [PANTING.]
- [BED CREAKING.]
[ABBY.]
Fuck, why do I have so many fucking pillows? [CRASHING.]
- [CHRIS.]
Don't look! - [ABBY.]
Okay.
Okay.
- Oh, God! - Oh, shit.
[LAUGHING.]
Hey, Chris, not to pre-plan, but can we go again once this is over? - Yes.
- Promise? [CHRIS.]
I promise.
[ABBY.]
I mean, I'm just having the time of my life.
[LAUGHING.]
[PANTING.]
[ABBY.]
Oh, fuck.
[MUTTERING.]
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
[BED CREAKING.]
[TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
[TEXT MESSAGE DINGS.]
Fuck! [GROWLS.]
Fuck off, Campbell! Fuck! [LAUGHING.]
[PANTING.]
[CHRIS.]
Are you okay? [ABBY.]
Yeah.
I'm just really trying to focus right now.
Ow! [CHRIS.]
Oh, my God, are you okay? [ABBY.]
Fuck.
I poked myself in the eye! - [CHRIS.]
Turn on the lights? - [ABBY.]
No, no, no! - Fuck no, no, no.
- Okay.
No, no don't stop.
No, no, don't stop.
[PANTING, MOANING.]
Don't stop, don't.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Don't stop.
Oh, my God.
[EXCLAIMS.]
Oh, God.
[PANTING.]
[CHRIS.]
That was so fucking good.
[ABBY.]
Oh, thank God.
I thought you were gonna say horrible.
- No.
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, God, that was good.
You're good.
Oh, fuck.
All right.
Hey, uh, can I turn on the light for a sec? I think I might've broken my nose.
- [CHRIS.]
Oh, my God.
- [ABBY.]
I know.
Well, who cares, right? It was well worth it.
Ooh.
All good over here.
[CHRIS.]
Ah, voice.
[ABBY.]
Hey, ready to go again? Yeah.
- Oh, my God, babe! Your eye! - It's fine.
Just one more time and then I'll go to the ER, okay? It's fine.
- Okay.
- It's fine.
Okay.
No, no, lights, lights, lights, lights.