Wrecked (2016) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Boom.
Found one.
[Grunts.]
You're welcome "Kurt Turdhole?" - What? - Turdhole.
- Dude's name is Turdhole.
- No.
- Yeah, right.
- [Laughs.]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Maybe it's "Turd-olee?" - I don't - Either way, he's dead.
I would remember meeting a Turd-olee.
Okay, we good then? Can we go back now? I mean, dude, there's got to be more luggage out here.
There could be food, medicine.
Condoms.
I didn't even think about that.
- Yeah.
- Hah! Let me tell you, pal, in a month, those things are gonna be rubber gold.
Nobody wants a bunch of little island bastards running around with their umbilical cords still attached.
- Or whatever - Right there.
What is that? Dude.
There's no way this bad boy just landed here.
What are you saying somebody hid this here? - [Scoffs.]
- Man, look at this lock.
Some kind of future lock.
I mean, it's obvious that whoever hid this did not want us to open it.
What do you think's inside? I don't know.
But it looks like we got ourselves an island mystery.
[Laughs.]
- Whoo! - I got chills.
- Oh, I got goose flesh.
- [Laughs.]
When you said, "island mystery," - I was like, Oh.
- Yeah.
And the fact that it's a future lock.
- I mean, I don't even - So cool.
Well, this is just stupid.
This is stupid.
You're a stupid lock.
Damn it.
Tag's been busted off.
- We got to get this open.
- I think we should just leave it alone.
- You know, it's locked for a reason.
- Are you insane? Owen, when you go into a store, what's locked up? All the good shit.
Guns, booze, the nice deodorant.
For all we know, it could be all three.
Yeah, or it could be, like, some drug lord's blood money.
Or cocaine.
Exactly.
Here we go.
Rich housewife handbag.
- Ooh.
- Yep.
Which means Boom! Painkillers in a Ziploc.
- Shah! - Always.
What is Pack doing? Oh, he said he wanted to feel the warm glow of a screen.
I don't know, I feel like this is our chance - to unplug from that stuff, you know? - Technology.
Like, when is the last time you really connected with someone - on a deeper level? - Found something! Oh, shut up, what is it?! Oh, thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Toshiba.
It's a DVD player.
It's got two hours of battery left, just enough time to watch a movie.
- [Both squeal.]
- What's inside? Well, it looks like we are watching [Squeals.]
It's empty.
[Sighing.]
Oh.
[Sighs.]
Man.
What kind of monster travels with an empty DVD player? - Well, so much for that.
- No.
No.
I need a break from this island.
I need two hours where I don't think about food, or water, or the fact that we saw the most handsome man in the world possibly, get smushed to death by an airplane.
Yeah.
Emma, aren't you tired of Creepy Pete staring at you every time you bathe? - He's always watching.
- Never stops.
And, Florence, aren't you tired of wiping your butthole with a palm frond? It feels like it's on fire.
Exactly.
This is why we need a break.
And that break is some dumb, mindless movie.
All we have to do is find it.
- We'll take the bags.
- You take the wreckage on the beach.
Yes, there's the plan.
It's movie night.
Hell, yeah.
[Tom Jones' "It's Not Unusual" plays.]
- Whoo.
- Ahh! Geez! Man.
Sorry, Turdhole.
- Whoo! - Opened that one, though.
You're just smashing it.
No one can open this, no one could open this.
[Both grunting.]
Oh.
Yeah.
Sick son of a bitch.
I'm going to get you open.
But when I see you hanging about At least hit the lock.
With anyone It's not usual to see me cry Brother.
Don't spit on it.
I don't care, I hate it.
- I want to die - Aah! Aah! It's not unusual - To go out at any time - Aah! I have an idea.
Emma: DVDs, DVDs, DVDs.
Florence: God.
What's wrong with these people? - Glitter - Lotion.
- Dumb bangle - Lotion.
- Loneliest man on the planet.
- Ooh! - Toothbrushes, no case, disgusting.
- Loofah? This isn't even wet.
No one has any DVDs anymore? Everyone's just streaming everything? Good for you, Netflix, you won.
Ahh! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Look, look, look, look.
What? What? What? [Screams.]
Oh, my God.
- Is that a stupid-looking DVD case? - Yeah.
No mix CDs, no mix CDs, no mix CDs.
What is it? Huh? "Dumb and Dumber To.
" [Both screaming, laughing.]
Yes! Yes! [Screams.]
This is exactly what we need.
Are you kidding me? Dumb, loud, stupid fun Dumb.
And it's gonna distract us from the fact that we are all slowly dying on this hell hole.
Uh, wait, my friend.
There's another option.
- What? - The day is not done.
- Oh, my God.
- It is What is it? What is it? "Selma.
" "Selma," the Martin Luther King movie? - I always meant to see that, I just - Yeah, I know, me, too.
- It's supposed to be so moving.
- Very powerful.
Yeah.
Such an important story.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, if this is the last movie we ever watch, we need to make the right choice.
Right.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Obviously, we should watch - "Selma.
" - "Selma.
" Yes.
Movie night will be "Selma.
" Good.
Great.
So you want me to shoot the lock? - Yes.
- Yes.
Do we know whose case it is? - No, the tag's busted off.
- I don't know, guys.
Kind of seems like a waste of bullets.
Are you serious? That's real rich coming from you.
What is that supposed to mean? [Gunshots.]
Well, we ate pretty damn well that night, didn't we, guys? Roger got lead poisoning.
Just give me the gun.
Fine.
But good luck shooting off that lock.
[Gunshot.]
Child's play.
This is very exciting.
[Chuckles.]
Mother of God.
I mean, what kind of freak packs an entire bag full of sex toys? - This is F'd up.
- Yeah, so F'd.
Yeah, for some reason, I thought there'd be stuff in here to help us get home, not a sex swing.
We need to find out who this pervert is.
What? Why? Because, Danny, you're not packing "The Jackhammer," unless you mean business.
This guy could be a full-on sexual deviant.
I mean, think about it.
We don't know anything about who we're trapped here with.
You know what? You're right.
- We don't.
- Thank you.
Now let's go find this freak before he finds us sleeping with our mouths open, or our butts exposed, and he can plug 'em with all sorts of things.
No, no, I'm just saying, like, we really don't know anything about who we're here with.
There could be somebody here that knows how to build a raft, right? There could be an architect here that could design us a blueprint.
I don't know.
The point is, we should be figuring out everybody's skills so we can get home.
What do we do, like a census? That's a good idea.
Yes.
- Census.
- Yeah.
- That could work.
- Yeah.
We ask a few leading questions, dig around a little, and then when we find the pervert, we grab him, Which they'll probably love.
Todd, we're not trying to find the pervert, okay? And you are definitely not part of the census.
Oh, yes, I am.
It doesn't matter who owns these, man.
All right, fine.
If I'm not part of the census, I guess I'll just tell everyone they're yours.
What? I mean, it doesn't matter, right? What would you ? What? That makes zero sense.
See? See? You think it's weird.
It's not not weird, dude.
It's very weird.
I'm just it's not Fine, be on the census, be on it.
I don't care, okay? But it's about getting us off the island.
Florence: There's got to be another one.
Are you sure you checked it? No luck on my end.
Please tell me you guys found a movie? - We did.
- Ahh.
You did? Yeah.
Hell, yeah.
[Bleep.]
you, island.
What are we watching? Well, we found "Dumb and Dumber To.
" Absolutely.
Love it.
Carrey and Daniels back together cashing checks.
The tongue getting stuck, you remember that, on the pole? - Mm-hmm.
- Ahh! - In the first one.
- Ahh! - That was in the first one.
- Aah! Maybe they'll bring that back, you know? And also "Selma.
" "Selma"? The critically-acclaimed civil rights story? "Selma.
" - Always meant to see that.
- Emma: Of course.
- Us, too.
We missed it.
- Yeah.
And we're sure there's only enough charge for one movie? - Just for one.
- Just one.
- "Selma.
" - Uh-huh.
- It's great.
- Yep.
Steve, this is something of a census.
It's just to get an idea of what everyone's skills are here on the island.
Ask away.
I love a good query.
You're a plumber? Okay.
Wow.
That's fantastic.
So then maybe you can help with what, like a water collection system, or ? Todd: A plumber, huh? Bet you know a lot about laying pipe? Am I right? - Pack, you're a sports agent, right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Very successful.
Do you have any practical skills? Is leasing a brand-new Audi every year a practical skill? [Laughs.]
No.
Okay.
- Emma, you're obviously a foot doctor.
- Podiatrist.
Yes, you wouldn't call a gynecologist - a pussy doctor, would you? - Would you? No.
And why were you going to Thailand? - Business or pleasure? - Pleasure.
Yep.
Just wanted to get away for a bit.
Looking to get a little loose, a little wild? Yeah.
Little bit.
Hmm.
Just running it through the ground? Filling it up, hmm? Not going to answer? Put him at the top of the list.
- Of what? - The census.
So why were you guys going to Thailand? I thought it was a chance to reconnect before she started at a hospital.
Reconnect, huh? Oh.
Okay.
We're good here.
- Okay, buddy.
- Let's go.
Jerk.
- Hit a nerve.
- You're an idiot.
- We get it.
- Did you get it? - Scissors.
- Scissors.
- That's just - I got it.
Pack: Sun's going down.
Almost time for "Selma.
" Yay.
Uh, wait.
What if we asked Diane from Toledo what she thought? Right? I mean, if she didn't want to watch, you know, one of the movies - Either one.
- Right? I mean, I guess it would be fine, 'cause, you know, she's a - Uh - She's a Film buff? - A film buff? Yes! - Yes! A strong, powerful film buff.
- Lover of the arts.
- Yes, she is.
Diane: "Selma.
" Well, obviously, that is a very important movie.
- Yes.
- Necessary.
Vital to our history.
Yes, we'd be remiss if we didn't watch "Selma.
" Good.
- Yep.
- Great.
Just curious What was the other movie? - "Dumb and Dumber To.
" - Jim Carrey? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, I love him.
- He is so funny.
- He's a physical comedian.
You can watch him on mute.
- Oh, my God, - I love Jim Carrey.
He's so watchable.
Yeah.
Um I'll see y'all at "Selma.
" Yes, you will.
Three baristas, one foot doctor, two lifestyle bloggers, and the founder of "Deez Nutz," which is an app that lets you see what you would look like with other people's pubes.
This island is useless.
We still don't know who the sex freak is.
How am I supposed to sleep at night? Huh? I'm taking these.
So it's not gonna bother you that we don't know who the sex freak is? Hmm.
I think this is just gonna have to remain - an island mystery.
- Pack: I hate this island! Oh.
Hi, guys.
I was going through the stuff, and, uh, I think this is yours.
Oh, my God, my planner.
And no luck finding your bag, Danny, but we did find this tag.
Damn it.
Tag's been busted off.
So, uh, I guess I'll see you guys at "Selma.
" Should be, uh I don't know.
The suitcase is yours? I can explain.
It's time.
It's time to watch "Selma.
" Selma Selma Gonna watch Selma Selma Gonna watch Selma Selma Oh, yeah Selma Selma Selma Gonna watch Selma Selma Gonna watch Selma Selma Oh, yeah Selma About a year ago, I got into a relationship with a woman named Becca from Vietnam.
A Vietnamese woman named Rebecca? Okay.
We were going to meet in Thailand, and that's why I was super-nervous, 'cause we had only e-mailed and chatted.
We had never met in person before.
You never FaceTimed or Skyped, or ? No, she always had a bad connection.
You ever think that maybe you were getting catfished? - Yeah.
Of course.
- Okay.
But her words were so sweet and funny and I don't know, I took a chance, you know? Yeah, there was also a chance that she was another weird guy with mutton chops.
- Another.
- Yeah.
But there's a chance she was real.
You know, there's a chance that she was really waiting for me at the airport.
- I'm sorry if I took a chance on love.
- No, no, oh, my God.
I think it's really sweet, honestly.
I just think that the weirdness comes when she asks you to fill a briefcase with dildos.
She said when I fly over, I should make sure to bring enough dong.
Danny, did you ever consider that maybe she asked you to bring dong, because that's the currency of Vietnam? - No, it's not.
- Yeah, it is.
- Dong? - Yeah.
D-o-n-g? That's not true.
Oh, I'm 1,000% sure that it is.
So if I go to a store, and I want a pack of smokes, I say, "Here's 5 dong"? I don't know the exchange rate, but So if something's expensive, it's too much dong? - Yeah.
- She was talking about money.
- Oh, shit.
- [Chuckles.]
I think it's really sweet that you followed through, honestly.
Come on.
I'm not a sex freak, man.
I swear, this was just a huge mistake.
Dude, I won't say anything.
If you want, I'll just I'll keep it buried.
I haven't told anyone you're not a cop.
- Thanks, Owen.
- Yeah.
I know that, you know, if the tables were turned Todd: Wait.
[Grunts.]
Someone here is a freak and a liar, and we're not watching this movie until I find this perv.
[All shouting indistinctly.]
Someone packed an arsenal big enough to bang this entire island and we have a right to know who.
We also have a right to know how this one works.
- What is that? - Oh, that's the front.
Todd, why don't we just let this go? We don't really have to get to the bottom of this.
Todd, is this what all your weird questions were about? Yeah, and I'm looking right at you two.
Excuse me? All that talk about reconnecting in Thailand, - is that what this so for? - Hey, hey, hey.
Sexually, I'm an open book, and if those were mine, I would straight-up own it.
Yeah, it's probably Steve's.
Me? Yeah, man, you're divorced, you're traveling to Thailand by yourself.
That has like 10-day [bleep.]
tour written all over it.
10 days? Well, I'm flattered, but I've never seen any of those things before.
How do we know they're not yours? Hmm? Why were you and Jess going to Thailand? Okay, all right, for your information, Todd was gonna surprise me with something very special.
- Tell him, babe.
- Babe, it was a surprise.
Babe, it could still be a surprise, right here.
Fine.
God.
When we got to Thailand, I was gonna give you "The Hangover 2," premium experience movie tour.
What? - What? What is that? - Trip of a lifetime.
They take you to all the "Hangover 2" locations, you have brunch with the monkey.
And Justin Bartha picks you up at the airport.
How much did you even spend on that? I don't know, like three months' salary.
Wow.
Anyway, surprise.
There.
I came clean.
Now somebody come clean about all this.
We could just let this go.
They're mine.
[All gasp, murmur.]
That's gross.
[All murmur, groan.]
- Emma: What? - That's my case and those are my things.
What? Dude, no way.
Ew.
Seriously? Ew! Yeah.
Yeah, I'm the sex freak.
- [All groan, murmur.]
- Ah, you don't have to say it twice! I was a pageant prince.
- What? - Danny: Hmm? Yeah, when I was 9 years old, I was crowned Little Mr.
Nevada.
They are beauty pageants for boys? No, there's not.
And I won.
- [All chuckling.]
- Wow.
Geez.
I'm just saying don't we all have a sex toy in our suitcase? I'm not a vegan anymore.
I've been sneaking boar every single night, and that shit is delish.
Everybody! I'm a fraud.
This amazing suit and shirt, it's off the rack.
[Chuckles.]
I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.
It feels good.
Kurt: I'm a liar.
My last name isn't Smith, it's Turdhole.
[All laugh, murmur.]
Kurt Turdhole.
I tell people it's "Turd-olee" but it's not.
I killed a man outside Tallahassee.
What? - Oh, no.
- What? I told myself it was him or me, but that's a lie.
It was always him.
[All murmuring.]
Okay, let's Let's shut this down.
I'm not gonna bite my tongue anymore.
I got to speak my mind.
I don't want to watch "Selma.
" [All gasp.]
It's too long, and it's not fun, and we're all just watching it because we don't want to seem racist.
That is not true.
- [All talking at once.]
- Woman: I'm ethnic so I'm not No, no, no, no, no.
She's right.
I want to watch "Dumb and Dumber.
" I mean, if this is the last movie I am ever going to see, I want to watch those two crazy white boys, and I want to laugh Ooh, forgive me, Dr.
King But I want to laugh.
Yeah, I want to laugh.
I mean, if we have forgiveness I'm with Diane! [All chanting "Dumb and Dumber To".]
Wait, so no one cares a freak over here had this huge bang bag? No one? Hey, man, thanks.
That meant a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah, hey, I took a chance.
What? Because when we were walking, you said - Oh, just before the Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- "I took a chance" - It was trying to do, like, a call - I lost that.
I'm sorry.
- It was a callback.
- No, it was good, it was good.
- It was stupid.
- No, no, no, it was good.
It was great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, it was cool.
- Okay, cool, all right.
- All right, let's join.
Okay.
Todd: Get in the back, freak.
Florence: You're tall.
Get in the back.
[All speaking at once.]
Careful, no anal beads fall out.
- Oh, should I hit "play"? - Yeah.