Yonderland (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

1 He remains an Englishman, He remains an E-e-e-e-englishman.
Wow! That was er You hate it.
I never said "hate.
" But it needs something.
Yeah, it does.
It needs, er Are there any non-singing roles? Aw, thank you, Deborah.
Thank you very much.
Oh, no come on, don't be like that.
I'm just being honest.
I know.
And I said thank you, so, you know, thank you.
Look, I've got to go work.
So I'll see you later on then, Simon.
Cos of Simon Cowell.
Cos you were just like I know, I get it.
I love you.
Thank you.
Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained.
But they telled also of a saviour, come from a distant world to save us from the shadows and stuff.
"Thank you for purchasing" a yada, yada, yada, yada "Ensure it is in the upright position "and stood on a solid, level surface.
" Hmm, you! Fix this! Well, er, it's the ground underneath that's the problem.
I'd have to take all that up, level it off, screed it, re-set the stonewor Or you could do that, it's cheaper.
"In a weird voice chant "font of" " Font of Oris! Grant me the power of the all-seeing eye! Excellent! One ruined monastery.
Left a bit.
I'll do it! No, I'll do it! Get your claws off.
Oooh, messy.
Thank you! I baited the whole place with ogre musk.
They tore it apart! Yeah, but who got the ogre musk, eh? I mean have you tried swabbing an ogre's What about theoccupants? No sign of them, your darkness.
I guess they were ogre food.
Unless they heard the ogres coming and fledded, er, fled? Fledded? Flud? Is it flud? Shut up! I shall dispatch some bounty hunters to tidy up any loose ends.
We don't need that scum, your darkness! We can track down any survivors! We're better than any bounty hunters.
We're not a complete bunch of Berks.
Ooh, yeah.
I've got a degree.
Oh, termites! 'Ere, what you got? This is a scarf.
Debbie gave it me, keeps your neck warm.
Why didn't I get a scarf? Cos you don't have a neck.
Oh, yeah, bring that up! Right, so, come on then, what's the big secret? Where we going? It's a surprise! I know that, but tell me anyway.
Oh, all right.
Well, once every thousand years Yeah? .
.
all the trees in the Forest of Garvin Yeah? .
.
in perfect unison Yes? .
.
yawn.
When this place gets an Imax, it's going to blowyourminds! Right.
What's that? Oh, well, that's what we call smoke.
A sort of a grey, cloudy, billowy I know that but where's it coming from? Oh, that's what we call fire.
A hot orangey Debbie! Where are you going? What about the yawning? Great - head towards the fire.
Can't see that ending badly - for a stick.
Is it OK? Erm, well, put it this way, if anyone asks he was on camera! I was not on camera, you was on camera! No, you was on camera! No, I'm not listening.
Ah, this is Auntie Betty's birthday all over again! Hardly, I mean eight people died, Neil.
What happened here? Looks like ogres.
Smells like ogres Ogres.
Sh! Is it me, or does it feel like We're being watched.
I did not mean to startle you.
I am aware my face looks like matted drain hair on a bed of blue cheese.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
Oh, but you must, tired-looking woman.
Excuse me? For it is the truth.
You see, I cannot lie.
Our holy order believes that truth is the great light in the universe, apart from all the suns, obviously.
That's rubbish, everyone can lie - "I'm washing my hair.
" Erm, "It was good for me, too.
" I'd know not how.
You see we follow the example of John of Atherley He brought forth truth into a world of lies.
As do we to this day.
Though, as you can see, not all are ready for it.
What do you mean? We had a visitor.
He came in the dark hours, looking for the soothing oils of the Lappy-Lappy plant.
Hello and it is evening.
Shut up, I need some more of that stuff.
Another rash on your gentleman's excuse-me? Give me the damned vial! I fear you may have developed a tolerance for Lappy-Lappy.
Perhaps I could recommend Punto juice, which would also help clear up your rotting-carcass breath.
What? It is a common condition, often passed down the maternal line.
Tell me, did your mother smell of dead sea birds? What?! Did she stink? Have weight issues? Body hair? Was she fat and ugly, your motherwho I presume is dead? 'And then, for some reason, he became angered.
' Had his minions bait the walls with ogre musk - we didn't stand a chance.
They destroyed everything.
Chapel, chambers, most of that shoe.
Ogre hit squad.
Classic Negatus.
Oh, not him again! I know not how he sleeps at night.
I mean clearly he's wrong in the head.
But this whole honesty thing won't have helped.
You just come across as rude.
How so, woman-clearly-nearing-40? What do you mean 40?! I'm 33! Do you smoke? I don't have to listen to this! Oh, great! We can still make the yawning if we're quick.
I would say "Nice to meet you," but, since we're all being honest This is all that remains of our holy order.
Hardly the picture of health, but we are surviving.
Apart from brothers Kevin, Carl, Robert and Colin.
And Jamaal.
This isn't surviving.
You're dying.
Mm.
All very sad.
Anyway, about this yawning No, no, we can't just leave them.
They need help.
Word will have reached the Elders.
They'll be planning a rescue as we speak.
Well, am I a vegetable then?! No.
Then I must be a mineral! No.
Oh, for the love of the Gods, it's been three hours! OK, OK, let's just play a different game.
I know a way to spice up Twister.
No! No, no, we can't take the chance.
They need help now.
I mean this feels chosen-y to me.
Doesn't it feel quite chosen-y to you? But what about the? It's fine.
I'll catch it next time.
Oh, no.
That's right.
I'll be dead! Ow! Oh, there she goes Our order has lived here for centuri.
We have everything we need - shelter a well, a toilet.
I thought that was the well.
And what about food? You're starving.
The truth sustains us.
And crisps.
Oh, yes.
But we ate them all.
It was Brother Anthony's half-birthday.
I'm old and forgetful.
But at least I'm not old and forgetful.
And what about Negatus? What if he comes back or sends more giants? Ogres.
Cor! There's no such thing as giants.
Silly woman.
Silly woman.
All right, well you know what I mean.
The big things that eat monks.
What if they come back? You can't stay here.
But where will we go? Wait! I've just remembered something! No, it's gone again.
No - it's back! It was once foretold that, in a time of great crisis, a chosen one would come and lead us to a new life where the moon lives under the water.
You meanAtherley? Atherley.
Yes, the birthplace of our founder.
Hang on, we can't just saunter down to Atherley with this lot They're wanted men.
What if we're stopped, questioned? They can't lie! That's rubbish, everyone can lie.
That's a chicken.
No, it's not.
OK, yeah.
I see what you mean, they need work.
And you need some sort of disguise.
Do you have a less monkish look? Yeah - not that.
You are NOT monks.
You are NOT monks.
You are NOT monks.
Soare you monks? Yes! Do you know what? Just don't talk.
Going to be easier.
Here we go again.
No, it's a flutterbug.
No, it's a swivel chair.
No, it's a flutterbug.
I've got a name, you know! It's Kieran.
Well, they look better on Pete but it's an improvement.
The ties are a bit big, too much gel.
It's all a bit estate agent.
Who is this Esther Taygent? Estate agents - bunch of Sort of the opposite of you.
This way! Quick - this way! Stay close and keep your eyes open.
Prayer beads.
The monks, they're alive.
This way.
What monks are these then? Seriously? Hmm.
Well, don't just stand there.
Or do you want some bounty hunter to become Minion of the Month?! Come on.
Tree! Correct.
Yes! So the opposite of what we want.
Oh, no.
Stitch.
We are trying, Debbie.
It's just you're much better at being conniving and deceitful.
You see, that right there is the problem.
It's the way in which you're honest.
You offend people and you don't even know you're doing it.
Come on.
Acorn-face.
What is this chanting? It's called singing.
Like it? It could do with a little, erm, how do you say? Shut up, yeah? Thank you.
So uhSlight problem.
Well, well, well, well.
Bounty hunters.
What do we have? I thought we said we'd do the "Wells" together then I'd do the "What do we have?" Yeah, I know we did, babe, but I just thought it would add more malevolence, you know? Just be a bit more threatening.
I know what malevolence means! Can we talk about this later please? I think we should! And the rest.
Right.
Have any of you seen the following people-slash-creatures? The Lizard Man of Corn Coppice? Hmm? That's a no.
The Little Chefs? Friends of yours, little man? Er, yeah, cos we're all the same Careful! What aboutthe Monks of Truth? We are Estate agents! Aren't you? Um Fair enough! All right, be on your way.
Though we used to be monks.
That's them! Dead or alive, I believe it said.
Well, you know my preference.
Eat stick! Quick! Push 'em in! Oh, my God! Did you see that? We Please tell me they're not in my house.
Are they in my house?! Tell me they're not in my house! Debbie, do you really think I would let a pair of vicious bounty hunters into your home? No.
No, of course not.
I'm sorry.
That's all right.
Who's your Elf, eh? You are! Who's your Elf? You! Yeah, I am! Go on.
So where did they go? No idea.
You? Axed if I know.
Customers are reminded to report any suspicious behaviour to station staff.
Thank you.
There you are - Atherley.
Atherley.
Where the moon lives under the water! Last one to the temple is physically the slowest! Have they gone? I think so, yeah.
So, sorry, you were saying Oh, right, yeah - basically, it's a chain of roadside diners.
OK.
Go on I'm thinking breakfasts.
Yeah? All day! What? Kevin, you're drunk.
I love you, mate.
You're drunk.
I love you.
You're drunk.
And I'm drunk.
But this cannot be.
The Moon under the Water is supposed to be a great temple - ancestral home of the great non-fibber, not some common hostelry.
Well, someone's been telling porky pies.
And question 30 - the answer is Vitamin D, that's Vitamin D, though I will accept cantilever.
And I'll be back later with the rest.
Ales all round - the elf's paying.
What? Got no pockets.
Even the prices are dishonest.
This cannot be the home of John of Atherley? Yes.
Know you of him? Well, such truth and wisdom must have left an indelible What? No, no - John of Atherley.
But he brought forth truth into a world of lies.
Thank you.
Take care.
Karen! Table.
So, it was all just Lies.
I never thought I'd say this, but the truth hurts.
Yes! Exactly.
Sometimes it does.
But now you see that, you've got a choice.
If the truth is going to hurt someone, why not? Quick! Hide! Ah, get out the way, ah, move Mind it, lanky.
You don't looklocal.
Quite the opposite.
In fact, you lookdistant.
Hang on Who are you? Ay! She asked you a question.
Yeah.
We are Yes We are Yes? Estate Agents! Yes, Estate Agents! We have an important meeting in the neighbouring village actually and we are here to discuss strategy.
So, Ian - what was that idea you had about Estate Agency? Well, Craig, my thoughts about the Estate Agent business Let's try the next village - they can't have got far.
Excuse me.
Four large drinks please, barman! No, I find the atmosphere quite intoxicating.
A welcome change from papa's starchy functions.
Then let us drink to change, Miss Fanshawe Rachel - for I fancy a change in circumstance may be just around the Move it, you! Rachel? Rachel? Guys! Talk about a fib-fest! You were amazing! It's all down to you, Debbie, you big fibber.
Your lies have set us free.
And I think we'd just all really like to say Nope, no idea where I was going with that.
We love you, Debbie! That was it! And I properly love you.
In fact, why not come back to mine tonight? I'd definitely call you tomorrow.
Yeah, I think you've got the hang of it.
Come on.
No, II meant it.
Ohand, Debbie? Yeah? You don't look a day over 21.
Liar.
Yes.
Rachel, Rachel.
Live, damn you! Live! But they can't even lie - how can they just disappear? Unless someone helped them.
That woman! Honestly, what is going on here? How can such a meaningless nobody keep getting the better of an evil genius like me? Unless she is Wish I hadn't done that.
Unless she is what they say she is.
The Chosen One? Don't say it! If you say it, then it's true! And if it's true, then I shall have to tell the boss.
And now this is cold.
Honestly, sometimes I think I've got the worst job in the world.
I beg to differ.
You think you've got it bad?! Shut up and do the other one.
OK! He remains an E-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-englishman.
That is so much better! Can you see that down at the civic hall? I could see that at the Albert Hall, Pete! He might have been a Russian.
Yeah - all that's great.
And do you know what? It's so nice to see you doing something you love.
Aw! Thanks chuchiface! Oh careful, don't get tea on your suit.
Don't worry, I've got lots of suits.
So, what do we do with our lives, now the truth no longer binds us? It's a Bijou property.
With great potential for expansion.
Benefitting from a roof.
And walls! So, do we have a deal?