You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s01e03 Episode Script

1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? (Knocking at door) Answer the door, Henry.
You've got to learn some time.
-Oh, it's you.
-Good afternoon.
-Hello, Mr P.
-Good afternoon.
Mrs Lipton, the man's here from Teegean's, the grocers.
That's not a man, Henry.
That's Mr Pearson.
Come in, Mr Pearson.
Good afternoon.
There's the tea, James.
Ivy, you take the cucumber sandwiches and the cakes and then you can go help Mr Stokes with the table.
Don't that sponge look lovely and light? Thank you, Ivy.
It could float up into your mouth.
Yes, well, mind it doesn't float up into your mouth, Ivy.
Open the door, Henry.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
That plate of cucumber sandwiches looks a bit top heavy.
I'll just take these two off.
We don't want them falling on the drawing room carpet causing a stain, do we? Can I have a taste of your most excellent cherry cake, Mrs Lipton? Yes, of course, Constable Wilson.
Help yourself.
Here's the grocery list, Mr Pearson.
There's quite a lot of it, isn't there? Well, His Lordship's going to give a birthday party for Miss Cissy.
A big do, is it? Well, I reckon there'll be about 40 guests.
And they're all going to be in fancy dress.
Well, I hope none of them is coming as a policeman.
This uniform is a sacred symbol of our authority.
You can go into any cinema or music hall and you will see so-called comedians throwing custard pies all over us.
I mean, how can we uphold the law when we're being made figures of fun? You could hit them with your truncheon like you usually do.
-Thank you, James.
You pour, Poppy.
-Righto.
You should all have a bit of the sponge cake.
It's so light it floats into your mouth.
That'll be all, Ivy.
Sorry.
Sorry.
You must excuse Ivy.
She's not been with us very long.
I think she's rather refreshing.
She is.
Did you notice the shiny, scrubbed face and the slight whiff of carbolic soap? Teddy.
-Tea, Mr Franklyn? -Thank you.
I'm afraid I can't stop.
I'm a little late already.
Well, I'm glad you realise my position.
I must obey Lady Lavender's instructions to draw up the deed of gift as soon as possible unless you can prove some sort of diminished responsibility.
Surely it's not very responsible of her to give shares worth a small fortune to the servants.
Yes.
One day she gave them to Ivy.
-The next she gave them to Stokes.
-Cissy.
It's not unheard of for an elderly person to give substantial sums to those who serve them loyally.
They've only been with us two weeks.
I can delay things a little.
We lawyers are rather good at that sort of thing.
In the meantime, I suggest that you take medical advice to ascertain whether some sort of certificate could be attained indicating Lady Lavender's mental unbalance.
I've already spoken to our family doctor and he's suggesting a brain doctor chappy.
-A psychiatrist? -Yes, that's right.
It sounds a lot of mumbo jumbo to me, but if he signs the paper, then we can't afford to be too fussy.
I'll telephone you in a few days to see what progress you've made.
-Can I come in? -Yes, come in, Ivy.
-Is that solicitor still in the drawing room? -I think so.
Damn! What are they talking about? I didn't hear.
Mrs Lipton sent me to help you with the table.
Good.
I need a hand with the cloth.
Dad, I've been trying to talk to you all day.
Stop calling me Dad.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's The Honourable Teddy.
He's still at it.
He's still after me.
What are you worrying about? I put a bolt on your door.
He couldn't get in last night, could he? He couldn't get in the door so he crawled along the parapet and tried to get in me window.
It was awful, Dad.
I saw this white face with its nose pressed to the glass.
It said, ''Ivy, I love you.
I love you.
Open the window.
'' -You didn't, did you? -I didn't know what to do.
He said, ''If you don't open the window, I shall throw myself off the parapet.
'' -I still didn't let him in.
-Good for you.
It's disgraceful.
I feel a bit sorry for him, Dad.
He put his hands together like he was pleading with me and he said, ''Take me in.
Take me in.
'' He looked ever so pathetic.
Don't get sorry for him.
That's how he gets these girls into trouble.
By looking pathetic.
I'm not cut out for this life.
-Take me home, Dad.
-Oh, listen, Ivy.
With a bit of luck I'll be getting those shares off Lady Lavender pretty soon.
We've got to hang on a bit, love.
It's a chance in a lifetime.
Well, if I stay, you've got to do something to stop him.
Okay.
I've just been serving tea in the drawing room.
What an exciting life you lead, James.
I overheard a very interesting conversation with Mr Franklyn, the solicitor.
-Oh, yes? -Yes.
It seems that Lady Lavender has come under the influence of a certain conniving member of the staff who has persuaded her to part with some valuable shares.
Dear, dear, dear.
I wonder who that can be.
Your guess is as good as mine, Alf Stokes, but he's not going to get away with it because His Lordship is taking steps to have Lady Lavender declared of unsound mind.
The poor soul.
She doesn't mean any harm.
That's not what you said when she threw her breakfast at you this morning.
Well, I didn't mind the bacon and eggs.
It's the plates that hurt.
Some people come to houses like this and think they can hoodwink their betters to their own advantage.
When will they ever learn to keep their station in life and to accept the hand that the good Lord has dealt them? Ain't he got a lovely speaking voice when he's speaking? Listen, Ivy.
I've never hoodwinked anybody.
She gave me those shares of her own free will.
Well, she is a bit funny, Dad.
She gives anybody anything.
I'd only known her three days and she gave me her bed.
Well, I'm not losing those shares.
I'm going to tell Lady Lavender what they're up to.
Come on.
It's all very well, Daddy, but it's my party.
Why do we have to have any of your friends? You don't understand, Cissy.
Sir Jason Capstick is a very senior civil servant who could help me with my Union Jack Rubber company.
The right word from him in the right quarters and we could supply the whole of the armed forces.
What with? It's confidential.
Is it a new war weapon? More a defence system really.
Anyway, it's a big contract and I want it.
It all sounds jolly shady to me.
What do you mean, shady? You're talking about a business that was founded by your forefathers.
They risked their lives to steal the rubber plant from South America and to smuggle it into Malaya.
-It's what our family fortune was founded upon.
-Oh? I thought it was slaves.
-No.
That's how they got into treacle.
-Shut up.
And then there's Lady Agatha.
Oh, yes.
There's bound to be Lady Agatha.
Without her husband no doubt? It just so happens I've invited him.
Oh, yes.
It just so happens he's going to be shooting in Scotland.
-And you've invited Madge Cartwright.
-Yes.
She's to partner Teddy.
No.
Not Madge Cartwright again.
Whenever there's any sort of do, you trot her out.
I'm stuck with her all evening.
Well, she's very fond of you.
And at least she's normal.
The rest of Cissy's friends are peculiar.
No more peculiar than some of your friends.
Really? What about Nell St John Fortescue? She always comes festooned in rows and rows of beads and smoking Turkish cigarettes.
She writes for the Tatler, Daddy.
She's a society clairvoyant.
Anyway, she may not be able to come.
Well, doesn't she know? I've invited Jerry.
I hope he's not going to do that boring trick where he drinks a glass of water standing on his head.
I shouldn't think so.
He's coming as Bonnie Prince Charlie.
And why does that stop him standing on his head? Oh! I see.
I do wish you'd keep still.
How can I get a good likeness when you keep ruffling your feathers? (Knocking at door) -CAPTAIN: Come in.
-Shut up.
-Good evening, m'lady.
-Come in, Capes.
Stokes, m'lady.
May I collect your tea tray? Do you collect tea trays? We had a very nice Georgian one in the family once.
Solid silver.
It disappeared.
Were you the one who stole it? No, m'lady.
I have only been here a few weeks.
Would you mind turning Captain round for me? I want to get a good view of his head.
-How's that, m'lady? -That's much better.
I was going to do him in the nude.
I don't suppose you could remove his feathers, m'lady.
Not him in the nude.
Me in the nude.
I wonder if I might have a word, m'lady.
Why, yes, of course, Capes.
-But mix me a White Lady.
-A White Lady.
A half jigger of lemon, a half jigger of Cointreau and a big jigger of gin.
Shake it up with some ice.
Not too much.
It weakens it.
Yes, m'lady.
I think I ought to tell you His Lordship is sending for one of those mind doctors to come to the house.
Well, you take my advice.
You have nothing to do with him.
After all, you're as sane as I am.
Do you wake up in the morning thinking you're Napoleon? -No, m'lady.
-Well, there you are then.
Neither do I.
-CAPTAIN: Codswallop.
-Oh, shut up.
He keeps me awake at night.
Talks in his sleep, you know.
And he's very boring.
Have you finished that cocktail? Very nearly, m'lady.
You haven't forgotten the gin, have you? No.
I have inserted the gin.
It's a vegetarian drink, you know.
It's made from juniper berries.
M'lady, I should warn you, the family thinks it was wrong of you to give those shares to me.
They're sending the mind doctor to talk to you.
I see.
Well, I'll help him if I can, but he must understand that I favour the teachings of Alfred Adler.
He thinks that Freud was a sex maniac and I'm inclined to agree with him.
Hmm! Hmm, that's very nice.
Don't give any to the parrot.
He starts swearing when he's had a few.
Will that be all, m'lady? No, he'll probably throw his seed all over the carpet.
Will that be enough sprouts, Mrs Lipton? Oh, yes, Mabel.
It's only the family for dinner.
Here's the tea tray from the drawing room, Mrs Lipton.
Thank you, Ivy.
(Bell ringing) -It's the front doorbell.
-Yes, I know it's the front doorbell, Henry.
Mr Twelvetrees answers the front door.
Well, he's at the greengrocers changing the grapes.
Where's Mr Stokes? He's up in Lady Lavender's room.
Oh.
Well, in that case, Ivy, you'll have to go.
Oh, heck.
What do I do? You twist the handle and you pull it towards you.
Go and see who's there, ask them what their business is, then tell them to wait and come and see me and I'll tell you what to do.
I'll be at the bottom of the stairs.
See who's there.
Ask them what their business is.
-That's right, Ivy.
Now off you go.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
See who's there.
Ask them what their business is.
That's right, Ivy.
Now go on.
Do you think it's Lady Agatha's husband come to horsewhip His Lordship for having intimate relations with his missus? They've got morals like tom cats these aristocrats.
It's no wonder the French chopped their heads off.
See who's there, ask them what their business is.
See who's there, ask them what their business is.
Hello, Ivy.
Oh, Lady Agatha! What business are you in? I'd like to have a word with Lord Meldrum.
-Wait here.
I'll go and tell the cook.
-Ivy.
Would it not be better if you were to tell Lord Meldrum? Oh, yes.
I'll tell Lord Meldrum.
Then I'll tell the cook.
Come in.
Excuse me, m'lord.
Lady Agatha's here but I don't know what business she's in.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Is she on her own? Yes, m'lord.
Shall I tell the cook? I beg your pardon? George, I'm sorry about this but I just had to see you.
One or two details about the fancy dress party.
That'll be all, Ivy.
Yes, m'lord.
-George.
-Agatha.
I've missed you most dreadfully.
Have you? So have I.
Kiss me.
Sorry.
I forgot the cake stand.
It's over here.
You've hardly touched the cream sponge.
It was as light as air.
-Would you like a taste, Lady Agatha? -No, thank you, Ivy.
M'lord? Take it and go, Ivy.
Yes, m'lord.
M'lady.
George, it's a disaster.
Well, she hasn't been with us very long.
It's Ralph.
He came back.
He saw your invitation on the mantelpiece and he insists on coming to the fancy dress party.
I thought he was after my blood.
Do you think he intends to make a scene? No, he's calmed down.
After all, there's no proof.
I told him that he was jumping to conclusions because he's insanely jealous.
-He loves me terribly, George.
-I don't blame him.
The thing is, do you love him terribly? No, I love you terribly.
Oh, this is terrible.
Look, there's someone very important coming to this party.
Are you absolutely sure Ralph won't make a scene? He'll be as good as gold so long as you don't provoke him.
But a look from you or a hand on my arm and he'll be at you like a tiger.
He was in the Hong Kong police.
How did you get mixed up with a rotter like that? We were both young.
At least, I was.
He's about your age.
Yes, well, I haven't gone to seed.
-I must go.
-No, no, no.
I told him I was having tea at Gunter's.
How long can we go on living a life of lies? But I did have tea at Gunter's.
If only I could have you to myself.
I shall ask Ralph to give me a divorce.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
Think of the scandal.
I mean, he'd cite me as co-respondent.
-I could do it with somebody else.
-Don't be disgusting.
I don't mean really do it.
What happens is, you pay someone to sit up with you all night and you play cards.
Well, men who do that sort of a thing for a living are bounders and rogues and cheats.
I wouldn't play for money.
I can't hear of it.
We'll think of something.
-I must go.
-Yes, yes, you must go.
Oh, Agatha, you've lit a raging fire inside me that can never be put out.
That reminds me.
Ralph is coming as a fireman.
There we are.
That's done.
Now I can have a few minutes' sit-down.
I can't remember when I last had a bit of pork.
What do you do for your crackling? Well, I always rub it with salt and lemon juice, Mabel.
Lemon juice, eh? I can't remember when I last had a lemon.
Can you remember the last time you had salt? Don't you get sarcy with Mrs Wheeler.
She's a hard-working woman.
It's not her fault that she's less fortunate than we are.
You're right there, Mrs Lipton.
I don't know how I make ends meet.
With my old man flat on his back.
Well, there's some cold rice pudding in the larder.
You can take that home with you.
That'll be nice.
Ivy's rinsing the tea things in the scullery if you want those done at the same time.
Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
How did you get on with Lady Lav? I'm worried, Ivy.
She's playing with mud like a kid.
She's doing a bust of the parrot's head.
-Did you warn her? -Yes, but I don't think she took it in.
-She asked me if I'd stolen a silver tray.
-You haven't, have you? Of course not.
She's up the pole, our Ivy.
You don't need a doctor to tell you that.
They're trying to diddle me out of those shares and it's not right.
You're only worried about the shares.
What about her? She's a sweet old thing.
Oh, hello, Mr Twelvetrees.
I see you've changed your grapes.
Yes, Ivy, I've changed the grapes.
They were well below standard for His Lordship's table.
Now, Ivy, I didn't get a chance to speak to you before, but your behaviour while you were serving tea in the drawing room was far too familiar.
Sorry, Mr Twelvetrees.
I'm sorry to have to rebuke you in front of Mr Stokes, but His Lordship does not want your comments on how the cream sponge floats up to his mouth.
If he has any comments to make about the texture of the sponge, he will tell me and I will approach Mrs Lipton about the matter, who will no doubt take steps to rectify any error.
I just said how good it was.
His Lordship will be the judge of that.
You watch your step, Ivy.
You can be replaced just like that.
That settles it.
I'm off.
And before I go, he's going to feel the texture of that sponge right over his head.
I thought you said you liked him.
Well, I do, but I don't like being told off.
No, Dad, he's not so bad.
I can put up with him.
It's Mr Teddy.
I'm not standing for it.
Now steady on, Ivy.
You and I have been through a lot together.
I need you by my side to see this share thing through.
No, you don't.
You've got Mrs Lipton.
What do you mean? What's going on between you two? Nothing.
When I went into your room last night, you weren't there.
I was probably in the bathroom.
You wasn't.
I was in the bathroom.
Well, maybe I was giving her a goodnight kiss.
She's a lonely woman, Ivy.
Mum's a lonely woman.
-You're not starting anything, are you? -Of course not.
I don't do that sort of thing anymore.
Dad, it's not right.
It's not fair on Mum.
Don't let me down again.
I've always been faithful to your mum.
In me own way.
Well, I'm not stopping to watch.
I'm off.
There's your grapes, Mr Twelvetrees.
-I give them a good wash.
-Thank you, Mabel.
I'd do anything for you, Mr Twelvetrees.
Thank you.
Would you dry them for me? Of course, Mr Twelvetrees.
Don't they look a picture? Mabel, can you remember the last time you had Henry.
Thank you.
I shall place these in an appropriate position.
-Henry, pull them up.
-Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
I shall proceed upstairs to receive them.
Can we shove something else in so as not to waste my pull? Just pull them up, Henry.
You'll get yourself into real hot water one of these days, young Henry.
It'll make a change from having me head hit.
It's no use.
I'm going to pack me bags and I'm leaving first thing in the morning.
Why? Whatever's the matter, Ivy? I thought you liked it here.
Well, I do, but I can't stand Mr Teddy.
Everywhere I go, he tries to grab me.
He's an animal.
That's what he is, an animal.
Don't you talk like that about your betters.
They're not her betters.
They've just got more money.
Well, I have to speak.
Women like us have been put upon by men like that for far too long.
Be that as it may, it's not right that you should have to leave on his account, Ivy.
-You've not done nothing wrong.
-That's what I keep telling her.
Mind you, His Lordship's tried everything to stop him getting up to his capers.
It's cost him a small fortune to pay off those maids when he's got them into trouble.
Well, he's not getting me into trouble.
I'm off.
Wait! Wait just a minute.
Now, look.
I tell you what.
You have my room tonight and I'll take yours.
What good will that do? Well, I've known that young man since I was a tweenie and he was in short trousers.
Now, when I open the door and he sees me, he'll be so ashamed and so humiliated that he'll not bother you no more.
-It's worth a try, Ivy.
-I don't think it'll work.
How do you know? At least you can give it a go.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he knocks on the door all full of lust.
And then you open it.
And he sees you standing there in your nightie.
That'll dampen his ardour.
It's time you went home, Mabel.
Don't forget your cold rice pudding.
Take no notice, Blanche.
You don't dampen my ardour.
Don't I know it, Mr Stokes.
Hello, James.
Where's Daddy? I think he's changing for dinner.
I'm about to assist the Honourable Edward.
All that lovely fruit.
You've done it beautifully.
Just like Mummy used to do.
Thank you, Miss Poppy.
You do all the flowers in the house, too, don't you? -I do my best.
-I suppose I ought to really.
I'm a bit of a duffer at that sort of thing and you're terribly artistic.
Yet, you're so masculine.
So different from the wet crowd of chaps I go around with.
Mr Jerry seems to be a very amusing gentleman.
Oh, yes.
He's all right at parties and playing the giddy goat, but when it comes to spooning, he's a washout.
Do you spoon, James? -It's time I was dressing Mr Teddy for dinner.
-Let him wait.
I never get a chance to talk to you alone.
Well, I have my duties to perform, miss.
I tell you what.
I hope you don't think I'm terribly forward, but why don't we have a sort of dormitory feast downstairs in the kitchen when they've all gone to bed? We could talk for hours.
No, miss, I couldn't do that.
Oh, I see.
Perhaps you don't like me.
Like you? Of course I like you.
I've known you ever since you were a school girl.
I'd do anything for you, Miss Poppy.
Anything.
Well, meet me in the kitchen at midnight.
Toodle-oo.
Henry, some of the grapes are missing.
-Here's your hot water bottle, Mrs Lipton.
-Thank you, Ivy.
-Will you be all right? -Yes, of course I will, Ivy.
Oh, er Mrs Lipton, I've brought you a nip of brandy.
Get that down you.
It'll help keep your spirits up.
You don't think I'm frightened of young Mr Teddy, do you? Many is the time I've seen his nanny give him a spanking.
He was a funny boy.
He never used to cry.
Actually, he used to have a smile on his face.
Yes, they're a rum lot, these aristocrats.
We better go in case he's a bit early.
Come on, Mr Stokes.
Yes, well, good night, Mrs Lipton, and if you want me, I'll be in the next room.
It's a great comfort to know that, Mr Stokes.
And I'm taking Dorothy.
Mother gave me this.
Good evening, miss.
James, how romantic.
Candles.
Well, I didn't want to use the electric light in case it drew attention to our presence.
Oh? What do you think is going to happen? Are we going to be naughty? You're blushing again.
I love it when you blush.
-Get some glasses.
-Yes, miss.
I hid this during dinner.
I knew you wouldn't help yourself to Daddy's cellar.
Of course not, miss.
Shall I pour? No, you're always pouring.
I'll do it this time.
-How about that? -Perfect.
Do you like being a servant, James? Well, I regard it as a great privilege.
How else would anyone from my station in life be surrounded by beautiful things? Oh.
-Do you think I'm beautiful? -That's not what I meant, but yes.
-Very beautiful, Miss Poppy.
-Thank you, James.
And I think you're a very handsome man.
Here's to us.
To two beautiful people.
Sit down, James.
-I think your girlfriend's very lucky.
-I don't have a girlfriend.
Surely Why not? Well, to be honest, I don't find domestic servants to my liking.
Perhaps I have ideas above my station.
Really? -Have you fallen for one of my friends? -No, miss.
Perhaps it's one of Cissy's friends.
Would it be in order for me to have a little more wine? Of course.
Oh.
Look, I've dribbled some.
When you pour it, you never dribble.
-How do you do it? -Well, you give the bottle a little twist.
Show me.
-Like that.
-You've dribbled some.
Your hand's trembling.
Of course it's trembling.
I can't believe this is happening.
-You shouldn't be here.
I shouldn't be here.
-I know.
Isn't it fun? Oh, Miss Poppy.
James, what are you doing? Let go at once.
I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
I don't know what came over me.
I lost control of myself.
I should think you did.
I only came down here for a glass of wine and a little chat.
I thought it would be fun.
Might even have let you give me a good night peck on the cheek.
But to start grabbing at me like some great, rough coal heaver.
How can I apologise, Miss Poppy? -I've a good mind to tell Daddy about this.
-No.
Please don't do that, Miss Poppy.
Well, perhaps not.
I'll think about it.
But remember your place in future.
Yes, miss.
Why shouldn't I drink their wine? (Knocking at door) You ought to be ashamed of yourself, young Oh.
It's you, Alf.
-Has he been? -No, not a sign of him.
-Would you like me to hide in your wardrobe? -You'd never get in it.
-Well, what about under your bed? -Oh, no.
No, it wouldn't be right for a man in your position to be hiding under my bed.
Well, if you want me, I'll be in the next room.
That's a very comforting thought, Alf.
(Tapping) Listen.
(Tapping) That must be him.
It won't do for him to see you here with me.
-I'll wait outside.
-Yes.
TEDDY: Ivy! Ivy! Oh, my God! Oh, watch out! Oh! Oh! Help! Help! Mr Stokes! Mr Teddy's fallen over the side.
Oh, he's had a to-do and no mistake.
Where is he? He's plunged to his doom.
I can't even get the window open.
He's still there.
-What's going on? -It's poor Mr Teddy.
Poor Mr Teddy.
His lust has proved to be his undoing.
-Ivy, give me a hand to get the window open.
-Hold on.
Help.
See if you can grab his wrist.
What happened? It's poor Mr Teddy.
He's hanging on by his fingernails.
Shall I go down and put some pillows in the yard? All right then, I will.
TEDDY: Help! Help! (Teddy moaning) Teddy? Is that you, Teddy? Good Lord! You're wearing my golf shoes.
WILSON: Is that you, sir? It's that policeman.
Are you aware that there's a footpad clinging to your exterior? Yes, thank you very much.
Don't worry.
I'm coming, sir.
Thank you.
-George, help me.
-Yes, all right.
It's all right, Teddy.
I've rung for the servants.
-You rang, m'lord? -My God, that was quick.
I was just passing your door, sir.
What do you make of this? -He's wearing your golf shoes, sir.
-Yes.
Better get him in.
Well, where's my dressing gown? Excuse me, Your Lordship.
Can I borrow your pillows? I'll need all I can get my hands on.
Yes, yes, help yourself.
George, what is the boot boy doing in your bed? Go back to your room.
TEDDY: Help me! Help.
-Was it you knocking? -Knocking? I was obliged to force an entry.
Are you aware there's an intruder on your parapet? That's the Honourable Teddy.
Teddy? What's he doing up there? Well, I expect he'll be dropping off in a minute.
I brought these for him to fall on.
-They're no good.
Get a blanket.
-Why? Do you think he'll be cold? Do as you're told.
STOKES: Easy, sir.
Easy.
IVY: Easy.
I should never have frightened him like that.
It's all my fault.
Ivy.
Ivy, you saved my life.
How can I ever thank you? You're beautiful.
Beautiful.
Get off.
Pull yourself together, sir.
I'm the one who got you in.
Yes, but she got some of me in.
Teddy, what on earth are you playing at? Can I have a glass of water, please? Don't tell me you climbed across the parapet and into the maid's room to get a glass of water, you blithering idiot.
Your Lordship, don't be too hard on poor Mr Teddy.
He's deranged.
Deranged? I'm in love with you.
I don't care who knows it.
Right, that settles it.
You've overstepped the mark.
Out! Excuse me.
You've lost your pride and you've lost your dignity.
I will not let you stay in this house one second longer.
I shall order a cab and you will stay the night at your club.
And I'll see you in my study, 9:30 tomorrow morning.
Oh, hang.
You don't understand, George.
The purity, the innocence of that girl.
I'd do it again.
-You could have been killed.
-I don't care.
I'll deal with you later.
I've got something much more serious to think about.
That psychiatrist fellow arrived at 9:00, spent five minutes with Lavender, came down and said she was as sane as you and I and then gave me a bill for 1 0 guineas.
Damn cheek.
Dad, you shouldn't listen at doors.
Ivy, that brain doctor just told His Lordship that Lady Lavender is as sane as you and me.
-You what? -We're rich, Ivy.
We're rich.
Well, it jolly well serves you right.
Fancy trying to get poor old Lavvy put away just because of a few paltry shares.
Understand this, Teddy.
I know you haven't much of a head for business, but whoever gets those shares could control the Union Jack Rubber company.
Our family business.
It's only worth about P300.
Sir Ralph would give P1 ,000 just to boot me off the board.
That's only because you played fast and loose with his wife.
Leave Agatha out of this.
Well, it's all perfectly simple.
You buy the shares from Stokes.
Well, supposing she changes her mind and gives them back to Ivy.
Then Ivy will have lots of spondulics, I could marry her and then I'd control the company.
You are hopeless.
Go and play golf or something.
IVY: (Whispering) It's still the same.
Ah, there you are.
Can I assist you, sir? Stokes.
Ivy.
I'm sure you've probably found out by now that Lady Lavender, although perfectly normal in other ways, is liable to give things away.
Yes, she is.
She wanted to give me her bed and she was in it.
Well, we won't go into that.
Now the point is, Stokes, I understand she's giving you a few shares in one of our little companies.
That is correct, sir.
For sentimental reasons, we don't want these shares to go out of the family, you understand? -Of course not.
-So if she goes through with it, I'm perfectly prepared to buy these shares from either of you at the market price.
Oh, yes, sir.
Or just above the market price.
After all, you don't want a few bits of paper when you could have good, hard cash, do you? My mum could really do with some cash.
I expect your wife could, too.
Good.
Well, there we are, then.
Now, shares were quoted this morning at five and threepence.
Lady Lavender has a couple of 1 00.
So I could go to, shall we say P60? -How much, sir? -P75.
-It'd be wonderful.
-Ivy.
At the moment, Lady Lavender has given them to me and with your permission, sir, I would like to think about it.
Perfectly all right.
There's no hurry.
Take your time.
Take your time.
I'll leave you to think it over.
Dad, Mum could really do with that money.
If you should decide to sell them to me, I'll get my solicitor to draw up a piece of paper for you to sign saying that you'll sell to me if you get them and you, Ivy, will sell them to me if you get them.
Not that they're worth very much, as you know.
-Just sentimental value, sir.
-Just sentimental value.
By Jove, this table looks jolly nice.
I haven't polished it yet.
Well, you must have polished it very well last time.
Ain't that marvellous? Seventy-five paltry quid.
I'm going to telephone Sir Ralph.
Is there anything in your sporran? -Would you like some punch, Miss Poppy? -Just one more glass.
I'll have some.
Jerry, watch it.
Remember how quickly you get tiddly.
-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do.
Don't you do your standing-on-your-head trick dressed like that.
That would rather let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you like a glass of punch? Thank you, Ivy.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Miss Cissy.
I thought you were a little man.
This is the maid I was telling you about.
-Don't you think she's totally unspoiled? -Oh, yes.
Totally.
-What's your name? -Ivy Teasdale, miss.
-And where do you come from? -I come from Lancashire, miss.
I love your accent.
-What accent? -Oh, Fiona, darling.
Ivy.
Ivy.
There are a lot of people with empty glasses.
Better buck up.
Sorry.
Yes, miss.
Cissy, what have you got on? You look like a damn waiter.
And all your friends dressed as boys.
-What is Sir Jasper going to think? -Who cares? Look, the war department contract is very important.
It means a lot of money to us.
Where is Teddy? Madge Cartwright arrived about 1 0 minutes ago.
She'll wait.
She's potty about him, poor thing.
Mr Stokes, Mr Twelvetrees, we're nearly out of punch.
We're going as fast as we can, Ivy.
There's more on the way.
What's the matter with you, Jim? You put the lemonade in once already.
Oh, I'm sorry, Alf.
It's this business with Miss Poppy.
I can't get it out of my mind.
I feel so humiliated.
Forget it.
She's only amusing herself with you.
It's been going on for years.
A young well set-up footman obliging the ladies of the house.
Are you suggesting that His Lordship's daughters are the kind that would indulge in that sort of promiscuous behaviour? Well, you must have thought so or you wouldn't have tried to grab hold of her and have your way with her.
It wasn't like that at all.
I just lost my head for a moment.
I was thinking of handing in my notice but if I did that, I'd never see her again.
Take my advice, Jim.
There's a green-beige door at the top of those stairs.
Don't lose your heart to any one of them on the other side of it.
You'll always end up making a fool of yourself.
Now, shove some more brandy in.
You drowned it with the lemonade.
Come out of it.
Give it here.
Madge, I'm so sorry.
If Teddy doesn't come down in a couple of minutes, I'll go up Oh, my God.
MADGE: There he is.
Hasn't he got lovely legs? Hello, Teddy-bear.
Teddy, it's bad enough Cissy's friends all coming as boys.
-Why do you have to come as a girl? -I'm not a girl.
-You're wearing a skirt.
-Well, so are you.
-I'm Ben Hur.
-I'm a Greek soldier.
What's Sir Jasper going to think when he sees you in a frilly skirt? Well, this is what Greek soldiers wear and they're terribly brave.
I think he looks wonderful.
-A glass of punch, miss.
-Oh.
For goodness sake, be nice to her.
Dressed like that, she frightens the life out of me.
She's magnificent.
She's mad about you.
She's got pots of money.
So have we.
We'll have a lot less if we don't land that contract with Sir Jasper.
Oh, look! Cissy's doing the tango.
Do let's go and see.
Good evening, Sir Ralph.
Good evening, Lady Agatha.
-May I take your helmet, sir? -No, thank you.
It's part of the costume.
-You're Stokes, aren't you? -Yes, sir.
I've been thinking about your telephone call.
-I'm prepared to go to 1 ,000.
-Thank you, sir.
I'll talk to you later.
Ralph, what are you up to? Your friend Meldrum has got a bit of a shock coming to him.
-What do you mean, my friend? -You know very well what I mean.
If I see him leering at you or pawing you, I won't be responsible for my actions.
Ralph, you're not going to make a scene, are you? Not here in front of all these people.
That all depends on your behaviour.
I shall be watching you, my dear.
Excuse me, m'lord, Sir Ralph has just arrived.
It appears he's got wind of Lady Lavender's intentions.
I cannot think how.
He's offered me a large sum for those old shares to which you are sentimentally attached.
-Oh, Lord.
How much? -P1 ,000, sir.
It was his opening offer.
He seems very keen.
-You mean it might go up? -Who knows? I'll double it.
Excuse me, sir.
Your guests are thirsty.
Why are you wearing a moustache? It absolutely ruins the whole effect.
(Whispering) Here, Ivy, you'll never guess.
Sir Ralph's just offered me P1 ,000 for those shares and His Lordship's doubled it.
Dad, that must be more than the King gets every week.
I'm not finished yet.
If I can get him up to 5,000, Invest that at 4%, that's P200 a year.
I'll be independent for life.
Oh, be careful, Dad.
Oh, more punch.
Good-o.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
You've not been near me all day.
Well, I'm sorry, Miss Poppy.
After what happened last night, I couldn't even look at you.
Don't be so silly.
I'd forgotten all about it until I saw your long face.
Cheer up and have a drink.
You can't, can you? I expect you'll have one later.
(Jerry laughing) Jerry, not another glass.
You'll be absolutely squiffy.
I can take it.
-Another glass of punch, Sir Ralph? -Oh, thank you.
I have spoken to His Lordship.
He has offered 3,000.
I'll offer 3,500.
I had the figure of 5,000 in mind, sir.
What? For 200 shares worth 60 quid? I'm sorry, sir.
No doubt I have mistaken how anxious you were to acquire them.
Another glass of punch, madam? You're a damn fiend.
But all right.
-It's a deal.
-Thank you, sir.
It's a deal.
-Would like one of these little things? -Oh, caviar.
That's right.
It's ever so expensive.
That's why they're so small and there's not many of them.
It's fishy stuff, isn't it? I don't suppose I should give any to Lady Agatha.
She's got a delicate stomach, hasn't she? Poor thing.
Has she? Yes, every time she comes here to dinner, she has to be put to bed.
Is that a fact? -And you take tea up to her the next morning? -Oh, yes.
-A little smoked salmon, m'lord? -No, thank you, Stokes.
-Where's Lady Agatha? -In the drawing room, sir.
-Who's she with? -She's talking to a young Lord Nelson.
-I don't think I've met him.
-It's a her, sir.
Damn confusing.
-Any sign of Sir Jasper? -He arrived a few minutes ago, sir.
Why didn't you tell me? I'll come straight away.
He left immediately.
He saw Mr Teddy in a skirt, Miss Cissy in trousers, crossed himself and got back into the taxi.
Excuse me, m'lord.
Sir Ralph has just slapped Lady Agatha on the face and stormed out of the room.
The brute.
Where is he? Excuse me, sir.
There was a slight commotion in the drawing room.
Sir Ralph has just left alone.
George! My beast of a husband has just slapped me in the face and says he's going to sue for a divorce.
How can he? There's no evidence.
He says the parlour maid told him everything.
What? Where is she? Ivy! George, I didn't know you were having a party.
Lavender, for God's sake, go back to bed.
No, not until I've had a few drinkies.
Daddy, can you come at once? Jerry's going to stand on his head and drink a glass of water.
Oh, Lord! We've got to stop him.
I say, Poppy, hand me the glass.
Jerry! Too late, sir.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord