Your Family Or Mine (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm glad your parents are taking us to the club for dinner instead of her cooking.
Even the thought of eating your mother's cooking makes me want to kill myself.
Yeah, I mean, I agree with you.
But she tries.
You got to give her an "a" for effort.
The only "a" she gets is for "ass.
" 'Cause that's what her food tastes like.
You know.
You're the one who lines his pockets with plastic bags so you can put her food in them and pretend you ate it.
Oh, I don't just do it for that.
It's also great for stealing food at the club.
Yeah, you put a little in the bag-lined pocket, bam! You got shrimp cocktail on demand 24-7! - You're insane.
- Mmm.
Okay, everybody, look at me.
Hello, hello! - Hello, hello, Oliver! - Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello, hello.
Wow.
What's going on in here? It started with your mother deciding to clean out one closet in the basement.
But then it turned into us deciding to clean out the entire basement, and then the whole house, and then we decided we needed a new house.
And then there was some talk about moving to Napa.
And then it was Switzerland.
Oh, it looks so pretty on the internet.
And then we realized that the whole country would be filled with foreigners, and so, ultimately, we decided to just stay here and just get rid of some of the clutter.
Now, you do realize that if you guys moved to Switzerland, you would be the foreigners, right? How could I be a foreigner? I'm an American.
I've put together some boxes of your old stuff.
So look through it, keep anything that you want.
I'm donating the rest to a charity for the poor's.
All right.
Cool! What is this? You can't throw this away.
Louis, we are not keeping that.
What is it? It's a Clive Charnack.
He's a great photographer.
It's a bunch of naked people standing in a park.
It's pornography.
- I don't want it in my house.
- Aw.
It's not pornography.
It is art! It's a statement about all the, uh, the difficulty in representing, uh, the human form.
And besides, look at the cans on that one, huh? Hey, hey.
I let you have a new couch, okay? So this, this photography stays.
Wait a second.
What? You're getting rid of the couch? My childhood couch? Mom.
Some of the best memories of my life are on this couch! I learned to walk holding on to this couch.
I had my first kiss with Cindy McNally on this couch.
It was nowhere near her first kiss, but it was mine! I'm sorry, Oliver, but I have had it reupholstered 10 times, and enough is enough.
Hello, hello.
Hello, hello.
Where's Claire? Oh, there was no parking on the street, so I just had her drop me off.
Oh.
There's my son, the doctor.
Hello, hello! I found a spot two blocks away.
Score! I'm clearing away some of the clutter in the house, so I put a box together of your old things.
It's right over here.
Take what you want.
The rest I am donating to the poor's.
I don't think there's an "s.
" It's just "poor.
" Well, there's more than one, Kelli.
Mom, you can get rid of this stuff.
I don't care about old things.
When stuff gets old, I just ditch it for new things.
Jason, please.
Claire is standing right here.
Mom's getting rid of the family couch, too.
Can you believe that? Yeah, I can.
You really don't care, huh? All the memories we have on this thing? Not really.
I mean, I did take some of the best naps of my life on that couch.
And I do remember schooling you like a chump every time we played "king of the couch.
" What's king of the couch? We had two sticks with boxing gloves on each end, and we'd get up on the couch, and whoever got knocked off loses.
Okay, his stick was bigger.
Yeah, it is.
Your brother is bringing a new girl to dinner tonight.
Her father is president of a bank.
I think she's the one.
- I'm not gonna be learning her name.
- Why not? Blake is always introducing us to his new girls.
I meet them.
I get to know them.
They want to be marine biologists.
They all want to be marine biologists.
I've noticed that, too.
Why is that? I'll tell you why Jaws.
I never saw it.
Neither did I.
If I saw it, it would've scared the shit out of me.
No more getting to know Blake's girlfriends.
I get invested, and they're gone.
That's insane, but whatever.
Dad, are you really okay with Mom giving away the couch? Oh, come on.
It's a couch! Well, then I want it.
Well, then knock yourself out.
Sweet! Yo, yo, good news, Mom just said I could have the couch.
What? Dad just said I could have it.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna throw it in my office at the hospital and just nap the shit out of this thing.
Uh, Louis, what is that you're holding? It's a photo.
It's not porn.
You can barely see bush.
You okay? I am not.
I am not okay at all.
- What's the matter? - God.
I'm one of the naked people in that photo.
What? I know.
It was so stupid.
It was over three years ago.
I hadn't even met Jason.
He was still with his first wife.
He doesn't know.
And if Ricky finds out, oh, my God.
Why are you even in it? I did it 'cause a guy I was dating wanted me to.
Do you ever not do things guys want you to do? No! That's how you end up alone.
Jason, here's your drink.
Mom, listen, you can't let Jason have the couch.
Dad just gave it to me.
I'm sorry you both want it, but you'll have to figure it out on your own.
Hello, hello! - Hello, hello.
- Blake.
Hi, everyone.
This is Sharman.
Uh, my brothers Jason and Oliver.
- Hi.
- Hey.
And their wives, Claire, Kelli.
- Hi.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
- Hi.
- That's my mother, Ricky.
Very nice to meet you.
And, uh, that's my dad, Louis.
Mmm.
Now, I understand that your father runs a bank? - He does.
- Then welcome.
Can I get you anything to drink? Sure.
Dad, let me see that thing.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Look at the knockers on that one, huh? I don't see how she stands up straight.
I think I'm gonna just hang it up in the office.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Louis, put that thing away.
We have a guest here whose family runs the fourth-largest bank in Washington.
Uh, I feel like we really didn't get introduced earlier.
- I'm not getting to know you on purpose.
- Why? Because you people are all the same, and it's just not worth my time.
Um, hey.
What's the deal? Is your dad racist or something? 'Cause he just said that he didn't want to get to know me and referred to me as "you people.
" What? No, no, no.
No, he's not racist.
He doesn't know what he's saying.
I mean, look at him.
Bro, why are you doing this? You just want it 'cause I want it.
You know it's more important to me.
I could probably dig deep and pull out an important memory, too.
Yeah, but my memories are more important.
Jason has a very important memory.
We got engaged on this couch.
Oh, my God.
That's right.
I totally forgot! That's a rap, buddy.
This couch is mine.
Is that even true? You got engaged on this couch? It is true! I'll tell you the whole story.
But you need to go get that photo and put it somewhere where it won't distract us, okay? - Great idea.
- Right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay.
So, we'd been dating about a year, and I was taking a pole-dancing class.
Mmm-hmm.
My idea.
Yeah, and they taught us how to do couch dances, as well, and the instructor told all us gals that if we could surprise our man with a really good lap dance He'd put a ring on it for certain What? I'm backin' up, I'm backin' in up and down Yeah.
Anyways, it was really hard finding time to do this couch dance with your kids around.
So, finally, his parents were out of town, and we were checking their mail And I saw my moment.
You like it when I grind on you like this.
- That's what you like.
- No.
Not sure I like it like this, Claire.
Okay.
Shh! Okay, check this out.
This is called "a reverse.
" Oh! Oh! Oh, God.
Baby, I'm so sorry! That was supposed to be sexy.
Are you okay? You kicked me in the face.
I know.
But the pole-dancing lady said if I did it, you would put a ring on it, and I got - Oh, you, you did that to get me to propose? - Yes.
- God, you're such a mess.
- God.
Sometimes I wonder how you get through the day.
Oh, my God.
You're breaking up with me.
You are.
You're breaking up with me! I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die right now.
Claire.
Hmm.
Breathe.
I'm not gonna break up with you.
God, you are the most insane, adorable, unstable train wreck of a woman I've ever met.
Somebody needs to propose to you.
I know, but who? Me, Claire.
I love you, baby.
Will you marry me? Oh, my God! I'm getting married? It happened! Thank you so much.
Wait.
I thought you proposed to Jason.
I did, three times.
He kept saying, "no.
" That was a really sweet story, Claire.
I hid the photo.
We're good.
Thank you.
So, bam, sweet, important memory.
Couch is mine, dawg.
Mmm.
I can beat it.
You better not be thinking of telling the story I think you're thinking about telling.
Oh, I am.
I want the couch.
I'm telling the story.
So, Kelli and I had only been married about a year.
Mom and Dad were giving us a bookcase, but they were at a movie.
We had been out to dinner with some friends, and we stopped by here after.
Hello, hello! Baby, they're not here.
Come on.
Help me move this.
We've been married for a year, and your mother still doesn't like me.
What are you talking about? My mother loves you.
Honey, just the other day, she said to me Listen, does it matter? I love you! That's what matters, baby.
- I love you, too.
- Mmm.
Hmm.
I want to do it.
Right here.
On her couch! Okay, I don't know.
That seems like kind of a bad idea.
It's so good.
Whoa! Okay.
Geez, I guess somebody had a little too much wine tonight.
Wow! So you're really doing this.
Okay.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Oh.
Hello, hello, Kelli.
Hello, hello, Ricky.
Where's Oliver? Uh, he's in the bathroom.
Oh, what a terrible movie.
I left halfway through.
Oh, I need a drink.
Hey.
Well, I'm tired.
I'm just gonna head upstairs.
Yeah, I think that's a great idea.
Okay, get off, get off! I can't get off with your parents in the house.
Oh, that kind of "get off," okay.
Why are you making me watch you have sex? Oh, my God, no.
I was just That is what I was thinking during the entire movie.
There was so much sex in it.
I thought, "I don't want to be watching this.
"You know, this is private.
This is for the bedroom.
" Totally agree with you.
You know, I don't want to embarrass you, honey, but you have a button undone.
Oh, my God! That could've been so embarrassing.
You do look flushed.
Do you have a fever? No, no, no! I'm fine! I'm fine.
So, were you gonna head upstairs or Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Good night.
Night.
Oh, my God! That was so close! My heart is still racing.
Oh, what a terrible movie.
Not nearly enough sex.
Good night, Kel.
Good night, Oliver.
Night, pop.
Oh, you had sex in front of Mom and Dad.
That is the funniest, most screwed-up story I've ever heard.
But how in the world is that like a good, important memory? It's the night we made Emma.
Oh.
Wait.
You finished with Mom like five feet away? Whatever.
I'm still taking the couch.
No way! Dude, we have a life-making memory.
What is more important than that? Come on.
The couch is mine.
Now, now, buddy, I have news for you, the couch has already happened.
- It's mine.
- What are you talking about? Dad already said that I could have it! I don't care what Dad said! I'm taking it! - All right, you know what? - What? There's one way to settle this.
King of the couch.
Winner takes it.
Buddy.
Really? Go get your gear.
This is happening.
Ladies, clear the furniture! Thanks for helping me with that photo.
You saved my butt.
- Hey, we need to stick together.
- Yeah.
How did my picture end up in the pantry? That's where you hid it? The pantry? I didn't have a lot of time.
I wanted to hear your couch-dance story.
Oh, that was so great.
What's this? Ah, some picture of my dad's.
Oh, no.
She's gonna recognize me! Go.
I got this.
Hey, hey, hey! Get away from that.
I was just looking at it.
Well, don't.
Just move along.
Uh, it's not like I was gonna steal it.
Ha, ha.
Well, you sure can't now.
I got my eye on you.
Okay, Kelli, make it go away.
- I'll just put it in my car.
- Okay.
Okay.
It's so nice that you're going to dinner with us, Sharman.
I hope we get to see more of you.
Well, at least someone does.
Um, may I use your bathroom? Oh, of course.
It's right around there, dear.
Oh, no, don't use that one.
Use the one in the back.
Why? Is there a difference? Uh, that one is just better for you.
It's much cleaner.
I wouldn't want her telling her bank-president father that the Westons don't have clean bathrooms.
Good catch, Mom.
I don't like that your brothers are fighting over that couch.
I know.
If only they knew what they were actually fighting over.
What do you mean? That's not the couch we grew up on.
What do you mean that's not the same couch? Okay.
Uh, so, two years ago, I was talking to Claire about getting a spray tan, you know, so I can wear shirts less.
And she said I shouldn't waste all that money when she could do it for free.
And, you know, she does it to Jason all the time.
And, uh I was still living here, you guys were out of town, so we just did it here.
Okay.
Cool.
How do I look? Great.
Really great.
Just amazing.
There's a spot that's uneven.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm just gonna Oh, my What? Uh, I think we're good.
Um, you know what? You just need to stay still until it dries.
All right, I'll just grab this and get it out of the way.
Oh, God! Oh.
It wasn't dry yet, was it? Maybe? - Oh, oh.
- Aw, shit! We tried to clean it off, but it wouldn't go away.
It looked like a brown person was sitting on the couch.
I mean, so, we searched for two days to try to find an identical couch, 'cause I knew if you saw a brown person on the couch, you would freak out.
I mean, I was upset to see it there.
It was so gross! Oh, my God! You are totally racist! This whole family is totally crazy racist! I didn't think people like you still existed.
You people are disgusting.
I'm out of here.
"You people"? That's offensive.
Why would she say something like that? Who knows? She's crazy.
I'm really sorry I ruined the couch And that I didn't tell you about it.
I didn't realize everyone had so many memories on it.
I mean, you must have some pretty great ones, too.
I'm so happy it turned out to be nothing.
Me, too.
I love you.
I love you, too, Rebecca.
It's just a couch.
Time to leave for the Oh, my Lord! What the hell is going on? Stay out of it, Mom.
This has to be done.
All right, Dad, let's do this! Count us down.
Louis, you're allowing this? It's perfectly okay, honey.
Boys need to do things like this sometimes.
And I have 10 bucks on Jason.
One, two, three Fight! - Oh! - Oh, my God! Oh! What? I did it! I got him! The couch is mine! I'm king of the couch! Hooray! There you go.
Baby, are you okay? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I let him win.
Yeah.
Think I broke your picture, though.
How did it get down there? - Let me take a look.
- No, no, no! I, uh I have a friend who's a photo-frame expert.
I'll put it in my car right now.
- I'm gonna help you.
- Okay.
- Wow.
Thank you again.
- No problem.
My photo-expert friend will lose the picture, and no one will ever see this again.
And we won't tell anyone about it? Never.
It's in the vault.
Okay.
Hey, where's Sharman? Oh, she's not coming.
See? I told you.
They never last.
I can't believe that's Claire.
Don't touch her.
What are you doing? And look at this dude next to her.
Baby, stop.
I'm driving.
What was that? Hmm? Nothing.
Oh, my God, Oliver.
Did you really take fried shrimp from the club and put it in your pocket? Maybe.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I wanted a kiss, not a bit of shrimp.
I'm sorry, baby.
But it's good, right? Not bad.
Delicious.