3rd Rock from the Sun s01e04 Episode Script

Oh, I've been there and there, and I've been there.
Wow! The long, boring stories you must have.
I have another destination for you, Tommy-- high school.
Why? I finished my education when you were nothing but a snot-nosed gas ball.
That sounds like a very dangerous assignment.
- Shouldn't I take that on? - No.
We have to try to assume the roles of a regular human family.
Since Tommy's the adolescent, he'll have to go to school.
And you will explore the lifestyle of a young adult woman.
And I, as the benevolent father figure, will provide the major source of income and give you cute nicknames.
- Dick? - What is it, kitten? What's my role in the family? You're the brother who tries hard but still doesn't have the nerve to move out on his own, but we love your pluck and determination.
But I can do more.
You see? That's the pluck that we love.
Now, let's just be the warm human family that we are.
- After you.
- Why are you doing that? I've seen men do it all the time.
Apparently, women don't know how to operate doors.
Well, I do.
Oh, Dick, I've thought of a job for myself.
I can catalog the dangers that surround us on this planet.
For example, getting your fingers crushed in a car door.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Hey, mister space man.
Why are you listening to the serpent? Don't eat the fruit.
Don't eat the fruit.
Women.
Dean Sumner's office called.
You parked in his space.
I know.
It's so much closer than mine.
- Sally: move it, lady! - And your sister's here.
- Sally, I thought I left you at home.
- You forgot your shoes.
What's with the guy in 114? Every time I walk by, he follows me and talks to me.
I think somebody has an admirer.
Great.
Now can we talk about me? Sally, are you seeing anyone now? I'm looking at you, aren't I? For god's sakes, he's trying to ask you on a date.
A date.
It's a perfect opportunity.
- You'll go.
- No, I won't.
- Trust me, I know what's best.
- Why are you treating me like this? - Like what? - Like this.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- You're acting as if I can't make decisions for myself.
- I am second in command.
- One of us has to experience sex, and I'm getting nowhere with her.
Well, why didn't you say so? If sex is so important, you and I could do it right here on the desk, get it out of the way.
Okay, I'll leave you clampetts alone to your banjo lesson.
"When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles, and the bottle's in a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.
" This man is a genius.
Well, if it isn't our proud little student.
What did you learn on your first day? I'm wearing the wrong kind of sneakers, and girls only like seniors, and, man, you can't compliment anybody in the shower.
You see, and you thought you knew everything.
Sally, you're going to be late for your date! Sally: I just don't know what to wear! - Is this appropriate? - I would say yes.
Come on, men.
What do I do on a date? I've been reading about it.
I'll walk you through it.
- I'll be your date.
- You're not doing anything until you've done your homework, old man.
You guys get to talk about sex while I make an Aztec village out of macaroni? This is fair.
Okay, Harry, you're brad, and the two of you are at a romantic restaurant.
Here.
Okay, now go ahead.
I don't know what to do.
Gaze into his eyes the way Dr.
Albright gazes into mine.
You know that's perfect.
Now, break the ice by telling him something personal about yourself.
Well, uh, brad once every lunar cycle, my uterine lining sloughs itself, thereby-- - whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, oh! That may be too personal.
It does.
One minute, I'm fine.
- The next, my uterus starts throbbing-- - Hey! There is something to be said for keeping some mystery in a relationship.
When do I get to touch your breasts? Right before you die.
Fair enough.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, aye, aye.
Rainbows, daisies snowflakes, that girl.
My boys.
She's swallowed a tiny monkey.
So, lieutenant, give us a full report on your assignment.
He was wonderful.
He thinks I'm wonderful.
He asked me where I'd been all his life.
- You didn't tell him? - All the coordinates.
Thank goodness he didn't believe me, so I didn't have to kill him.
- What happened after dinner? - Well, he wanted to sleep with me.
- I wanted sex, but since he was tired, I let him go home.
- Damn.
But the good news is he's gonna call me.
I wish I could meet a guy like that.
Come on, sport, I'll drive you to school.
- Bite me.
- Bite me, what? Bite me, daddy.
That's better.
See you tonight, slugger.
No, you won't 'cause I'll be out with brad, having fun.
All right, good job.
Come on.
Let's keep it moving, Solomon.
- Climb the rope.
- Yeah.
What's at the top of the rope? Your self-respect is at the top of the rope.
Run this by me again.
I climb up there, and then I? You climb down! And this gives me self-Respect because? Look, you don't want to climb the rope, you can go sit over there with the girls.
So, if I don't climb the rope, - then I sit with the girls.
- That's right.
Help me out here 'cause I'm not seeing the downside.
- Must you make such a racket?! Okay, you've bossed me around for the last time.
Oh, I'm sorry I blew up like that.
There he is.
There he is.
There he is.
You know, what goes on outside this office - is really none of my business.
- There he is.
Just because I set Sally up with brad doesn't mean you're under any obligation to tell me how it went.
- There he is.
- I'm not even curious.
Mm-hmm, right there.
Sally's date? Start talking.
Well, what can I say? In her own words, it was wonderful.
- Both: mm-hmm.
- She overate, and he found her charming.
- Mm-hmm.
- In fact, he's going to call her.
Both: mmm.
What? Orange juice.
Ah! Nontoxic.
Tabasco.
Ah! Also nontoxic.
- He said he'd call.
- Yes, I know.
He promised.
He said he'd call.
- That changes everything.
- I can take more pain than the rest of you put together , but right now I just feel so icky.
Damn it, Dick, give me some pain I can define.
I am not going to jam your hand in the toaster again.
You just can't imagine what it feels like, Dick.
It's like he reached in, and pulled all the bones out of my body.
My god! What are you doing? Apparently, I'm leaking.
Well, stop it! All right, commander.
Wine cooler.
Ah! I could go either way.
Lieutenant, we need to talk.
This is all your fault.
I didn't want to be the woman.
You made me be the woman.
You're a decorated veteran.
I thought you could handle it.
Well, I can't.
This is hard.
Please, don't.
No.
Please don't.
It went so great.
Brad said he liked me.
Why won't he call? - There, there.
Maybe he can't call.
Maybe his phone is out.
Maybe he injured himself running with scissors or used a dry cleaning bag as a toy.
Dick I've lost all feeling in the left side of my body.
Could somebody please call 1-1-6? Do not touch that phone! - Oh, dad! - Now what is it? My teachers want to talk to you about my attitude, as if I have an attitude.
This is just perfect.
I try to mold us into a family that will blend in, and what do I get? A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man, and a brother who drinks too much.
Is there another family in the whole world like this? I don't think so.
- Frankly, I can't take it anymore.
- Me, neither.
- I'm outta here.
- I have got to find out what happened to brad.
"Induce vomiting.
" There's an idea.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in the garage putting up peg board.
- Hello, brad.
- Sally.
I've come to check your phone.
Sally, please, calm down.
No, you may not maim Harry.
I don't know, find someone on the street.
- Trouble at home? - No.
Why would you say that? - He didn't call, did he? - Not yet.
Both: mmm.
I just wish Sally had some woman friends to turn to.
- Are you asking for my help? - Are you offering it? How can I be offering if I don't know what you're asking? - Why would I ask? I don't need help.
- Then I'm not offering.
Fine with me.
You can't say it, can you? Help me! I don't know what to do.
I can't stand to see her like this.
There, that wasn't so hard.
- Then you'll help? - No.
Can't you just take her out tonight and talk to her? You don't have to go alone.
Nina would be happy to join you.
Ooh, I'm sorry, tonight's the night I'm having my eyes gouged out.
Can't you reschedule it? Put yourself in her position-- you go out on a date, you have a wonderful time, various arousing stimuli fly back and forth across the table, and then he doesn't call.
How would you repair yourself? I'd get good and toasted and call him filthy names.
Yes, great.
Now go and do that with Sally.
You're buying.
Of course.
Oh, she's way more upset than that.
Dr.
Solomon, let me be blunt.
Tommy seems to have a problem with authority.
And jimmy refused to climb the rope.
What was at the top of the rope? If he were my boy, I'd warm up his little bottom.
You're the one who didn't want him sitting with the girls, right? I think he's just jealous because I've done so much better than he has.
Dr.
Solomon, nobody ever said being a father is easy.
You're telling me.
Some of you must have children, as frightening as that thought is.
What do you do? You need to set a good example for your son to live up to.
Since when did my son become my responsibility? You're the ones who are falling down on the job.
You're supposed to be educating him.
Knowledge is the only chance this planet has for survival.
One day you're going to have to find someone to pull your collective butts out of the cosmic pliers, and all you'll have to pick from is a bunch of rope climbers! Dr.
Solomon, I think you're avoiding the real problem-- the home environment.
Well, of course I'm avoiding it.
It's full of crazy people.
Oh, come on, Sally.
I know you're in a lot of pain, but holding it in isn't going to do you any good.
You've got to let it out.
Come on, open up.
That really helped.
- This can't be the first bad date you've ever had.
- Well a couple of years ago, a friend set me up, and my date turned out to be this giant, slimy yolk sac.
- Yeah, I've been there.
- Who hasn't? I once dated this chemistry professor, Dr.
Abrams.
Oh, god, she's starting with the A's.
He invited me to portage lakes for a romantic weekend, and then just never showed up.
- Did you kill him? - No, no.
I don't believe in violence.
Violence doesn't do you any good.
However, a gas tank full of sugar and a flaming bag of dog poop will.
And you take that orally? Tommy, your teachers seem to think I'm not acting enough like a father to you.
- You're not my father.
- Well, that's true, but I want to try to act like one.
Fine.
What do fathers and sons do together? Oh, they do this.
Yes, I've seen that.
Aw.
Excellent.
We're roughhousing.
Son.
This has taken a wrong turn somewhere.
I've got a better idea.
We can do what the guy downstairs does with his son.
They watch Tv for Yes, it's the classic male-Bonding ritual.
Oh, look, Monday night football.
All: all right! What is it? Isn't there someplace where people can just have meaningless sex with various partners? Yes, it's called the '70s.
Well, how late is it open? Hey, check out the bartender.
Ooh, god's gift to women.
I hope he kept the receipt.
Oh, get a load of - the guy in the vest.
- I hope he kept the receipt.
See, Sally, you are not the problem.
Guys are jerks.
You're just never gonna find the perfect man.
Yeah, the perfect man would have bill gates' money, jimmy smits' ass, Liam neeson's shoulders, Michael Jordan's thighs-- - and we need a brain.
- No, we don't.
Yeah, you're right, then he'd think like a man.
See, Sally, there's just no dealing with the opposite sex.
Yes, the opposite sex.
I didn't do anything wrong.
It's men.
They're a completely opposite sex.
They hunt.
We gather.
They sweat.
We glow.
They shake.
We wipe.
You, your sexual organs are in total diametric opposition to mine.
Well, hey, so can I give you a call sometime or? Oh, yeah, I'll be waiting by the phone.
- Have we poisoned her? - No now she's a buxom, leggy, pouty-lipped bitch with attitude.
I think she'll do just fine.
- Hello, brad.
- S-Sally.
I came here to tell you that I understand your limitations.
I expected too much.
I'm so sorry.
All the best.
Oops.
Got your knob.
Hasn't tonight been great? Just us boys drinking beer, yelling like idiots, emitting various gasses.
Oh! Oh, look.
They're doing that thing again.
- Ohh! - Here it comes.
Look out.
All: oh, yeah! - Sally's back.
- Party's over.
- Harry: thank god.
- Sally, you're smiling.
- You're fixed.
- No, Dick, I'm not fixed because I was never broken.
I'm supposed to be this way.
I'm a woman.
- Yes, and? - Tell me, Dick, what kind of shampoo do you use? - I don't know.
- Exactly.
And do you feel the urge to have an eight-pound screaming larva rip its way out of your lower abdomen? No, I think I can do without that.
You see, here, you and I are completely different life-forms, and it's just some sick cosmic joke that we have to share a planet.
I've been thinking about your assignment.
Maybe it wasn't fair of me, making you the woman.
I'm all right.
I can handle the mood swings, the emotional issues, the catcalls, the punitive underwear, because, frankly, when I think of the alternative I just have to laugh.
Mother earth.
Father time.
- Lady luck.
- "Gentleman's quarterly.
" Daughters of the American revolution.
"Son of Kong.
" - Fairy godmother.
- The godfather of soul.
Mississippi.
Mister sippi.