A.P. Bio (2017) s01e04 Episode Script
Overachieving Virgins
1 The bat is now contained, but still very much alive.
Human movement and noise tends to agitate the animal.
It will not bite the skin, but it will aggressively attack the eyes.
So please do not use the bathroom beside room number All right, everybody, get out your lunches.
Quickly.
Come on.
Let's go.
My local bagel shop decided to take the morning off, so I'm starving.
Come on.
I need to see what Mommy packed.
- Feelin' a little hangry, huh? - No, no, no, no, no.
That is such an annoying word.
Don't don't do that.
Now, get back of the class, Marcus.
- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.
Go, now.
- [SLAMS HAND.]
- [SIGHS.]
Just, I can't I can't do it with you today, man.
- Too hungry.
- [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Naw, that's not gonna work.
Turn your desk around.
I can't look at your face.
I just can't.
"Hangry" means horny and angry.
Basically, you're so horny that you're angry.
All right, that's still not working for me.
See that leak right there? Try and get ya under that leak.
All right? Get your body under that leak.
Not the desk.
Your body.
[CHAIR SCRAPING.]
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! That's perfect.
There we go.
Now if none of you are willing to share your snacks with me then I'm off to the vending machine For a little dose of C-13: Cape Cod Salt and Vinegar potato chips.
Have you guys had 'em? Yum! Oh, and if Marcus moves, you all get detention.
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART".]
One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart [LIGHTLY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[BEEPING.]
[THUNK.]
Unsweetened Fruit Leather? That's not what C-13 is.
Hey, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.
Come here, man.
Hey, What the hell's going on around here? Oh, well, um between us, a moth laid eggs in the auditorium curtain.
Now, they hatched - Mm-hmm.
- Now there's moths in the air.
What loves moths? Bats all right? And I mean bats plural.
I don't care.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Where are my chips? What is this? Oh! The student council is responsible for what goes in the snack machine, and they're doing this really cool thing right now called Healthy Habits.
Okay, tell me, what's your day lookin' like? - Pretty light? - Puhh.
Very busy.
Okay.
Gonna need you to shuffle some things around, make getting my chips back your number one.
No, Jack.
You do not wanna get involved with the student council.
'Kay? I-i-it's the most toxically ambitious group of students - all together in one room.
- [SCOFFS.]
Come on, Ralph, you're telling me you're gonna be intimidated by a group - of overachieving virgins? - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yes.
[PERCUSSIVE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
All right.
Ah, good.
Grace! Hi.
Just the person I wanted to speak to.
Hey.
I'm gonna need you to get my salt and vinegar chips back in the vending machines.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Oh.
I'm just the secretary.
I take notes.
I count votes during elections.
If you wanna change a policy, you need to talk to the president.
[GROANS.]
Ugh.
All right, fine.
Who's the president? [DOOR OPENS.]
You may take your seats.
Let's get this baby started.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
You gotta be kidding me.
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
- Tssss.
- Mr.
Griffin, you are more than welcome to take a seat in the back.
That's cute.
Why don't we skip to the part where I get what I want Namely chips Back in the vending machines? Hmm.
Well, unfortunately, we do have a little bit of an agenda.
First up on the list is the discussion of our new rooftop garden which I can confirm will be generously sponsored by Kasperak Motors.
Turns out, I had a connection.
It's a joke.
They're my parents.
You guys actually listen to him? Hey, I have a mandate from the student body.
I was elected in a landslide over Scottie Deeks.
- And he plays football.
- Yeah, well, I'm guessing Scottie Deeks sucks pretty hard.
All right, talk about your stupid garden.
- Go.
Hurry.
- Thank you.
Now, on to the selection of vegetables.
And you know what? I think we should vote on them one by one, alphabetically.
Starting with alfalfa.
- All in favor.
- ALL: Aye.
Wow.
Unanimous for alfalfa.
Absolutely wonderful.
Next up will be buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
You know what? I completely lost my place.
Grace, can you read back the alfalfa results, please? No.
Hold on a second.
Chips.
Okay? Why don't we do chips, all right? I'm an adult, and I want chips, - so I get chips.
- Oh, my G Oh, I know what's going on here.
- This isn't about chips at all.
- [SCOFFS.]
What? Fired from Harvard, stuck in Toledo, and these chips are just one more thing you can't control.
- All agreed? - ALL: Aye.
- Don't vote on that! - Let's put an end to this right now.
All in favor of restoring Salt and vinegar chips to the vending machine Victor.
Wow.
Motion denied.
Sorry, Mr.
Griffin.
Okay.
Yeah, all right.
Bye! [DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
Now, you would agree that looking good also helps with feeling good? - I suppose.
- And you would also agree that more radiant skin is preferable to less radiant skin.
That's hard to argue with.
Then we agree! Now, you are trying the shimmering skin perfector.
Mmm.
Look at those undertones.
All right? Now, that is peaches and cream! Okay? Oh! And is that the hand of a teenage supermodel? Seems kinda young to be a supermodel.
Look at that.
Mm-mm.
So I'm gonna suggest a six-month supply of the perfector, okay? Along with the stain and the concealer and the rejuvenating serum.
Sounds good? - [SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
- [WEAKLY.]
Yes.
Yes.
Ooh! Hold that thought, because pale Jennifer is a gold mine.
I'll just need your orders by the end of the week.
Jennifer, hold on a minute! - Jennifer! - Why is it so terrifying to say no to her? Every time Stef gets a new side hustle, we end up spending money.
And you know I'm trying to save up for that houseboat.
We have to stand up to her.
I've not cut a single penny in half with those scissors she sold me.
That's just not a need I have.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
Okay.
Everyone shut up immediately! Today we're starting a new revenge mission.
Our target boom.
- Oy vey.
- Out! Go to the principal's office right now.
You, too, you sycophantic minions.
But we we didn't do anything.
Oh, you didn't do anything? I think ya did.
Ha ha ha.
Think you did, yeah.
Yeah, hey, Durbin.
I gotta send three kids to your office right now.
Why? They were kissing each other.
Yeah! All three of 'em were just sitting here doing kissing right here in the middle of the classroom.
It was crazy.
I couldn't believe it.
Anyway, it was gross.
Here they come.
Out! [CHUCKLES.]
Yep.
Have fun explaining that.
He must have struck out last night.
He's hangry as hell.
Now, as you may have heard, Marcus refuses to bring back my chips.
So our mission is to replace Marcus Kasperak as student council president.
Can't you just buy chips at the store? Well, it's not about chips anymore, Sarika.
This is about principle, okay? And it is a little bit about the chips.
I do love chips, you know? It's about 60 40, principle to chips at this point for me.
- I get it.
- Yeah.
Heather gets it.
Thank you, Heather.
So I read the student council bylaws.
We only need 200 signatures to recall Marcus and replace him with a new candidate.
So today we're gonna be choosing that new candidate.
This seems like an overreaction.
All right, well, Sarika's eliminated.
So I wanna hear you guys pitch yourselves, campaign-style.
Anthony, you start.
If I was president, I'd make all the dances at Prom slow dances.
If I'm paying 20 bucks, I wanna feel a body.
There ya go.
Good point.
Okay, who's next? Colin.
I don't know if I'm the right choice.
There's a pretty damning video out there of me blowing out another kid's birthday candles.
- I got excited.
- 'Kay.
Anybody else have any skeletons in their closet? I shoplift magazines to feel alive.
Getting caught's the fun part.
You know what? Look, Why don't we skip past this and just move on to the person with the most charisma.
- Dan Decker, you in? - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
I mean, I actually did student council back I Florida, so I'd love to Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah yeah, okay.
Don't ruin it.
All right.
Uh, guys Dan Decker's our candidate.
Let's go out and let's get those signatures, okay? Pass those down.
I want you to be subtle.
But I want you to be efficient.
With each passing minute, my chips get staler and staler.
And, o-of course, sexuality can be expressed in so many different forms and permutations.
- I mean, David Bowie - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- You got a minute? - Absolutely! Yes.
Okay.
I'm gonna let you guys off with a warning.
So, uh, thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Okay.
Yes, it's true.
Some of the bats have gotten into some of the vents.
What? Eew.
No.
We need to talk about Stef.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Whassup, dirty Durb? Look, there is a rule against soliciting on school grounds.
Wha Are you kidding me? Are you guys hearing this nonsense? I am, and I'm shocked by it.
Screw you, Durbin.
[AHEM.]
Well, it is a rule, and I'm gonna have to ask you to stop.
Mm-hmm.
Durbs, um, you would agree that, as a teacher, I don't make a lot of money.
No.
Not nearly what you deserve.
Mm-hmm.
And you would agree that I should be able to retire one day? Or would you prefer that I die working? No.
I want you to die somewhere fun.
Then we're agreed.
You know what? I'm so glad you're on my side with this one.
You're one of the good ones, dirty, okay? Oh, and ladies, don't forget those orders.
[QUIETLY.]
Yeah.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Thought this was supposed to be a rooftop garden.
Apparently, the weight of the soil would have made the gym roof collapse.
We almost killed a lot of people Victor.
Mulch.
I gotta mulch.
Hey, Jack.
You know, I saw the most curious thing yesterday Dan Decker chatting up the Spanish Club.
At first, I was very confused.
And then I realized what he was doing.
Courting the Latino vote.
I think that club's mostly white kids.
Victor, shut up! Anyway, I passed an emergency resolution.
To replace the president, it now requires 10,000 signatures.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Sorry, Jack.
Mark my words, you soulless taint.
I will take you down.
You'll be out of office before you see a single precious tomato grow.
Or sooner.
Depending on how long it takes tomatoes to grow.
Well, depends on the size and the soil.
By the way, we had to find a place for some gardening supplies.
Might make parking a little bit of a mess.
See ya, Jack.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[BRAKES SQUEAL.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Marcus! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
It's over, Dan.
Marcus sniffed you out.
Pulled some midnight procedural bullcrap.
And I was left bribing some homeless guy to move his fort so I could park in the street.
- His fort? - Yeah, his house, his tent.
What what do you want from me? Look, time to move to plan B.
Where can I buy some cocaine to plant in Marcus's locker? - Don't lie.
- Okay, this whole thing seems like an insane overreaction to missing out on some salt and vinegar chips.
This has moved far beyond chips, okay? - This is personal! - So you don't care - about the chips.
- A little, Dan! Okay? I care about the chips a little.
It's about 90-10, Marcus-chips.
Oh, there you are.
Hey.
- Did you park out front? - Yeah.
It's street cleaning.
They just towed your car.
[SHOUTING.]
They towed my ca Ohh okay.
Student council's outta control.
- You gotta do something! - No, no, no.
I told you, I don't want no part of this, all right? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Is that Scottie Deeks? That's the kid Marcus beat for Student Council President? Scottie? Yeah.
That kid rocks.
This school makes no sense.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [PHONE TUNE PLAYS.]
- Hello? - [AUTOTUNE VOICE.]
Is this - Jack Griffin? - Yeah.
Who's this? Marcus's election.
It was rigged.
[DRAMATIC STING.]
Why are you telling me this? - And why are you singing? - It's an Auto-Tune app.
Marcus has to be stopped.
[SING-SONGY.]
Just follow the car.
Follow the car? Wh-what does that mean? - Who is this? - Get your dang gym clothes on! You're not skippin' soccer again! But my stomach is cramping.
You are not on your period.
That only works for girls! Follow the car! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Follow the car? Follow the car.
Follow the car.
Follow the Hey, Michelle.
I like the quiet.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
All right.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, Grace.
- [GASPS.]
Ha ha.
Hey, quick question.
Uh you wanna tell me how you got this car? Uh [BREATHY LAUGH.]
The garden has been planted.
And what grows? - My legacy.
- [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC SWELLS.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- All right, everybody.
Quiet down, and all eyes on me.
You know what, Mr.
Griffin, I have to say, these interruptions are getting a little bit ridiculous.
Yeah.
You know what I think is ridiculous? The fact that anybody thought you could beat dreamboat Scottie Deeks in a popularity contest.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
You see, Marcus knew he was gonna lose the election, so he had his parents bribe the vote counter My girl Grace here With a brand-new car from the family dealership.
Isn't that right? And what did Grace do? [LAUGHS.]
Well Grace, being a good little soldier she fixed the election votes.
Here is Grace's tally of the actual votes.
[LAUGHS.]
Marcus didn't just lose.
Man[LAUGHING.]
he got absolutely crushed! We got a whopping 426 votes for Scottie Deeks.
Wow.
We got a concerning 32 votes for murderer Robert Durst.
I don't know what that was all about.
And a very sad and pathetic 19 votes for Marcus.
Whoopsie-daisies! [LAUGHING.]
I didn't win? Grace, is that true? Ah Um, effective immediately, I am retiring from public service, so I'll see some of you in chemistry.
Oh, no! Oh, I Oh, no, I thought he knew! [DOOR CLOSES.]
I thought the whole I thought he knew! [STAMMERS.]
You know, I-I have been told that sometimes I overreact.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[LIGHTLY EDGY MUSIC.]
- Beautiful house.
- Oh, thank you.
I appreciate you letting me come over and speak to I, uh guess I owned your son pretty hard today.
Please.
I'm so ashamed of what we've done.
Yeah.
It was pretty psychotic.
And was it worth it? To get our little superstar elected high school president? Ha.
- Probably.
- Hmm.
Kinda seems like you're not that ashamed.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Please.
Could you do me one huge favor? Tell him he won the election.
I'm not doing that.
No? Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
[MELLOW POP SONG.]
Where could I start Whoa! Hey, uh mind tossing this shirt on? Getting a pretty wicked glare off your back there, bud.
Uh Listen, we we mighta let this situation get a little outta hand, you know.
Blame shared equally, of course.
Maybe 70-30, you.
I mean let's be honest.
You, uh wanna talk about it? When I won the election, I just thought people were finally starting to like me.
I don't want you to tell me that people actually do like me or that none of this matters 'cause it's just high school - or anything like that.
- Oh, no, no, no, it matters.
It matters.
It's a serious problem for you.
You get in people's business, tell 'em what they're doing wrong.
It's just no good.
Nobody wants to hear that stuff.
Come on, you gotta think more about how you come off.
But, look, it's not entirely your fault.
I mean, you've clearly been sheltered by adoring parents, you know? Normally, this sort of obnoxiousness would have been wedgied or swirlied out of you.
Who's been bullying you? Nobody.
Huh.
Well, you know, if it helps, I could I could bully you.
You know, nothing physical.
Just burns, barbs, you know.
Light verbal stuff.
Isn't that what you already do? Largely, yes, but in this particular case, the intention would be slightly more noble.
Yeah.
That'd be nice.
All right.
I don't do that.
Okay.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- Ow.
It's hurting! - Really scratch it.
- I know, hurry, hurry.
- [WHISPERS.]
Here she comes! So you beauties ready to - finalize your orders? - Yep.
I got my list right here.
Whoa! Isn't this rash right where you tried - Stef's make-up? - Ooh - Oh, my God! - I have one too! Oh, no, I guess we can't buy any of your makeup anymore ever! I'm so sad! - Hey, hey, no, no, no.
- Don't be sad.
Not when you can buy this amazing concealer that will cover that right up.
Damn it, Stef! These are obviously fake rashes.
We were trying to get out of buying your make up.
- What? - Oh, no.
I think mine's turning real.
Listen, girl, we wanna support you, but we all make the same amount of money.
I've been wearing the same monthly contacts for the past two years.
I guess we were just worried that if we said no, you were gonna get really mad at us.
Well, I'm not mad.
I'm just sad that you feel like you couldn't be honest.
Look I don't know, I thought this would be a good way to make some extra dough.
And I really did think it looked good.
No, no, no, it did look good.
I don't know, I guess I just feel like a smoother complexion can sometimes have both personal and professional benefits.
Yep! I'm back in.
No! Stef, damn! You're relentless! Okay.
I'm sorry.
I guess I just gotta find out what to do with $300 worth of beauty products.
Hmm Long story short, the bats have been trapped with only one confirmed bite.
So get well soon, Mrs.
Denunzio.
Talk about handsome! The contouring's incredible.
He honestly looks insane.
Books back up on the shelves.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Lastly, I'd like to congratulate the awesome Scottie Deeks as our new Student Council President.
And Oh, disgraced former president Marcus Kasperak has accepted the position of parliamentarian, so beware, recalcitrant legislators.
Seems like an unnecessary position.
But congrats.
I'm actually excited, you know.
It's perfect for a policy wonk like me.
By the way, I, um Brought you these.
Wow.
Now, see, this is likeable behavior.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Don't you think your compulsive snacking belies some kinda unaddressed anxiety that Right.
Back of the room.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Much appreciated.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Human movement and noise tends to agitate the animal.
It will not bite the skin, but it will aggressively attack the eyes.
So please do not use the bathroom beside room number All right, everybody, get out your lunches.
Quickly.
Come on.
Let's go.
My local bagel shop decided to take the morning off, so I'm starving.
Come on.
I need to see what Mommy packed.
- Feelin' a little hangry, huh? - No, no, no, no, no.
That is such an annoying word.
Don't don't do that.
Now, get back of the class, Marcus.
- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.
Go, now.
- [SLAMS HAND.]
- [SIGHS.]
Just, I can't I can't do it with you today, man.
- Too hungry.
- [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Naw, that's not gonna work.
Turn your desk around.
I can't look at your face.
I just can't.
"Hangry" means horny and angry.
Basically, you're so horny that you're angry.
All right, that's still not working for me.
See that leak right there? Try and get ya under that leak.
All right? Get your body under that leak.
Not the desk.
Your body.
[CHAIR SCRAPING.]
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh! That's perfect.
There we go.
Now if none of you are willing to share your snacks with me then I'm off to the vending machine For a little dose of C-13: Cape Cod Salt and Vinegar potato chips.
Have you guys had 'em? Yum! Oh, and if Marcus moves, you all get detention.
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART".]
One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart [LIGHTLY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[BEEPING.]
[THUNK.]
Unsweetened Fruit Leather? That's not what C-13 is.
Hey, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.
Come here, man.
Hey, What the hell's going on around here? Oh, well, um between us, a moth laid eggs in the auditorium curtain.
Now, they hatched - Mm-hmm.
- Now there's moths in the air.
What loves moths? Bats all right? And I mean bats plural.
I don't care.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Where are my chips? What is this? Oh! The student council is responsible for what goes in the snack machine, and they're doing this really cool thing right now called Healthy Habits.
Okay, tell me, what's your day lookin' like? - Pretty light? - Puhh.
Very busy.
Okay.
Gonna need you to shuffle some things around, make getting my chips back your number one.
No, Jack.
You do not wanna get involved with the student council.
'Kay? I-i-it's the most toxically ambitious group of students - all together in one room.
- [SCOFFS.]
Come on, Ralph, you're telling me you're gonna be intimidated by a group - of overachieving virgins? - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
Yes.
[PERCUSSIVE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
[UNDER BREATH.]
All right.
Ah, good.
Grace! Hi.
Just the person I wanted to speak to.
Hey.
I'm gonna need you to get my salt and vinegar chips back in the vending machines.
- [CLICKS TONGUE.]
- Oh.
I'm just the secretary.
I take notes.
I count votes during elections.
If you wanna change a policy, you need to talk to the president.
[GROANS.]
Ugh.
All right, fine.
Who's the president? [DOOR OPENS.]
You may take your seats.
Let's get this baby started.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
You gotta be kidding me.
[DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
- Tssss.
- Mr.
Griffin, you are more than welcome to take a seat in the back.
That's cute.
Why don't we skip to the part where I get what I want Namely chips Back in the vending machines? Hmm.
Well, unfortunately, we do have a little bit of an agenda.
First up on the list is the discussion of our new rooftop garden which I can confirm will be generously sponsored by Kasperak Motors.
Turns out, I had a connection.
It's a joke.
They're my parents.
You guys actually listen to him? Hey, I have a mandate from the student body.
I was elected in a landslide over Scottie Deeks.
- And he plays football.
- Yeah, well, I'm guessing Scottie Deeks sucks pretty hard.
All right, talk about your stupid garden.
- Go.
Hurry.
- Thank you.
Now, on to the selection of vegetables.
And you know what? I think we should vote on them one by one, alphabetically.
Starting with alfalfa.
- All in favor.
- ALL: Aye.
Wow.
Unanimous for alfalfa.
Absolutely wonderful.
Next up will be buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
You know what? I completely lost my place.
Grace, can you read back the alfalfa results, please? No.
Hold on a second.
Chips.
Okay? Why don't we do chips, all right? I'm an adult, and I want chips, - so I get chips.
- Oh, my G Oh, I know what's going on here.
- This isn't about chips at all.
- [SCOFFS.]
What? Fired from Harvard, stuck in Toledo, and these chips are just one more thing you can't control.
- All agreed? - ALL: Aye.
- Don't vote on that! - Let's put an end to this right now.
All in favor of restoring Salt and vinegar chips to the vending machine Victor.
Wow.
Motion denied.
Sorry, Mr.
Griffin.
Okay.
Yeah, all right.
Bye! [DRAMATIC PERCUSSION.]
Now, you would agree that looking good also helps with feeling good? - I suppose.
- And you would also agree that more radiant skin is preferable to less radiant skin.
That's hard to argue with.
Then we agree! Now, you are trying the shimmering skin perfector.
Mmm.
Look at those undertones.
All right? Now, that is peaches and cream! Okay? Oh! And is that the hand of a teenage supermodel? Seems kinda young to be a supermodel.
Look at that.
Mm-mm.
So I'm gonna suggest a six-month supply of the perfector, okay? Along with the stain and the concealer and the rejuvenating serum.
Sounds good? - [SOFTLY.]
Yeah.
- [WEAKLY.]
Yes.
Yes.
Ooh! Hold that thought, because pale Jennifer is a gold mine.
I'll just need your orders by the end of the week.
Jennifer, hold on a minute! - Jennifer! - Why is it so terrifying to say no to her? Every time Stef gets a new side hustle, we end up spending money.
And you know I'm trying to save up for that houseboat.
We have to stand up to her.
I've not cut a single penny in half with those scissors she sold me.
That's just not a need I have.
[CLOCK TICKING.]
Okay.
Everyone shut up immediately! Today we're starting a new revenge mission.
Our target boom.
- Oy vey.
- Out! Go to the principal's office right now.
You, too, you sycophantic minions.
But we we didn't do anything.
Oh, you didn't do anything? I think ya did.
Ha ha ha.
Think you did, yeah.
Yeah, hey, Durbin.
I gotta send three kids to your office right now.
Why? They were kissing each other.
Yeah! All three of 'em were just sitting here doing kissing right here in the middle of the classroom.
It was crazy.
I couldn't believe it.
Anyway, it was gross.
Here they come.
Out! [CHUCKLES.]
Yep.
Have fun explaining that.
He must have struck out last night.
He's hangry as hell.
Now, as you may have heard, Marcus refuses to bring back my chips.
So our mission is to replace Marcus Kasperak as student council president.
Can't you just buy chips at the store? Well, it's not about chips anymore, Sarika.
This is about principle, okay? And it is a little bit about the chips.
I do love chips, you know? It's about 60 40, principle to chips at this point for me.
- I get it.
- Yeah.
Heather gets it.
Thank you, Heather.
So I read the student council bylaws.
We only need 200 signatures to recall Marcus and replace him with a new candidate.
So today we're gonna be choosing that new candidate.
This seems like an overreaction.
All right, well, Sarika's eliminated.
So I wanna hear you guys pitch yourselves, campaign-style.
Anthony, you start.
If I was president, I'd make all the dances at Prom slow dances.
If I'm paying 20 bucks, I wanna feel a body.
There ya go.
Good point.
Okay, who's next? Colin.
I don't know if I'm the right choice.
There's a pretty damning video out there of me blowing out another kid's birthday candles.
- I got excited.
- 'Kay.
Anybody else have any skeletons in their closet? I shoplift magazines to feel alive.
Getting caught's the fun part.
You know what? Look, Why don't we skip past this and just move on to the person with the most charisma.
- Dan Decker, you in? - [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
I mean, I actually did student council back I Florida, so I'd love to Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah yeah, okay.
Don't ruin it.
All right.
Uh, guys Dan Decker's our candidate.
Let's go out and let's get those signatures, okay? Pass those down.
I want you to be subtle.
But I want you to be efficient.
With each passing minute, my chips get staler and staler.
And, o-of course, sexuality can be expressed in so many different forms and permutations.
- I mean, David Bowie - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- You got a minute? - Absolutely! Yes.
Okay.
I'm gonna let you guys off with a warning.
So, uh, thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Okay.
Yes, it's true.
Some of the bats have gotten into some of the vents.
What? Eew.
No.
We need to talk about Stef.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
Whassup, dirty Durb? Look, there is a rule against soliciting on school grounds.
Wha Are you kidding me? Are you guys hearing this nonsense? I am, and I'm shocked by it.
Screw you, Durbin.
[AHEM.]
Well, it is a rule, and I'm gonna have to ask you to stop.
Mm-hmm.
Durbs, um, you would agree that, as a teacher, I don't make a lot of money.
No.
Not nearly what you deserve.
Mm-hmm.
And you would agree that I should be able to retire one day? Or would you prefer that I die working? No.
I want you to die somewhere fun.
Then we're agreed.
You know what? I'm so glad you're on my side with this one.
You're one of the good ones, dirty, okay? Oh, and ladies, don't forget those orders.
[QUIETLY.]
Yeah.
[WHISTLE BLOWS.]
Thought this was supposed to be a rooftop garden.
Apparently, the weight of the soil would have made the gym roof collapse.
We almost killed a lot of people Victor.
Mulch.
I gotta mulch.
Hey, Jack.
You know, I saw the most curious thing yesterday Dan Decker chatting up the Spanish Club.
At first, I was very confused.
And then I realized what he was doing.
Courting the Latino vote.
I think that club's mostly white kids.
Victor, shut up! Anyway, I passed an emergency resolution.
To replace the president, it now requires 10,000 signatures.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Sorry, Jack.
Mark my words, you soulless taint.
I will take you down.
You'll be out of office before you see a single precious tomato grow.
Or sooner.
Depending on how long it takes tomatoes to grow.
Well, depends on the size and the soil.
By the way, we had to find a place for some gardening supplies.
Might make parking a little bit of a mess.
See ya, Jack.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[BRAKES SQUEAL.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Marcus! [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
It's over, Dan.
Marcus sniffed you out.
Pulled some midnight procedural bullcrap.
And I was left bribing some homeless guy to move his fort so I could park in the street.
- His fort? - Yeah, his house, his tent.
What what do you want from me? Look, time to move to plan B.
Where can I buy some cocaine to plant in Marcus's locker? - Don't lie.
- Okay, this whole thing seems like an insane overreaction to missing out on some salt and vinegar chips.
This has moved far beyond chips, okay? - This is personal! - So you don't care - about the chips.
- A little, Dan! Okay? I care about the chips a little.
It's about 90-10, Marcus-chips.
Oh, there you are.
Hey.
- Did you park out front? - Yeah.
It's street cleaning.
They just towed your car.
[SHOUTING.]
They towed my ca Ohh okay.
Student council's outta control.
- You gotta do something! - No, no, no.
I told you, I don't want no part of this, all right? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Is that Scottie Deeks? That's the kid Marcus beat for Student Council President? Scottie? Yeah.
That kid rocks.
This school makes no sense.
- [SCOFFS.]
- [PHONE TUNE PLAYS.]
- Hello? - [AUTOTUNE VOICE.]
Is this - Jack Griffin? - Yeah.
Who's this? Marcus's election.
It was rigged.
[DRAMATIC STING.]
Why are you telling me this? - And why are you singing? - It's an Auto-Tune app.
Marcus has to be stopped.
[SING-SONGY.]
Just follow the car.
Follow the car? Wh-what does that mean? - Who is this? - Get your dang gym clothes on! You're not skippin' soccer again! But my stomach is cramping.
You are not on your period.
That only works for girls! Follow the car! [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Follow the car? Follow the car.
Follow the car.
Follow the Hey, Michelle.
I like the quiet.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CONTINUES.]
All right.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
[CHUCKLES.]
- Hey, Grace.
- [GASPS.]
Ha ha.
Hey, quick question.
Uh you wanna tell me how you got this car? Uh [BREATHY LAUGH.]
The garden has been planted.
And what grows? - My legacy.
- [INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC SWELLS.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- All right, everybody.
Quiet down, and all eyes on me.
You know what, Mr.
Griffin, I have to say, these interruptions are getting a little bit ridiculous.
Yeah.
You know what I think is ridiculous? The fact that anybody thought you could beat dreamboat Scottie Deeks in a popularity contest.
[LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
You see, Marcus knew he was gonna lose the election, so he had his parents bribe the vote counter My girl Grace here With a brand-new car from the family dealership.
Isn't that right? And what did Grace do? [LAUGHS.]
Well Grace, being a good little soldier she fixed the election votes.
Here is Grace's tally of the actual votes.
[LAUGHS.]
Marcus didn't just lose.
Man[LAUGHING.]
he got absolutely crushed! We got a whopping 426 votes for Scottie Deeks.
Wow.
We got a concerning 32 votes for murderer Robert Durst.
I don't know what that was all about.
And a very sad and pathetic 19 votes for Marcus.
Whoopsie-daisies! [LAUGHING.]
I didn't win? Grace, is that true? Ah Um, effective immediately, I am retiring from public service, so I'll see some of you in chemistry.
Oh, no! Oh, I Oh, no, I thought he knew! [DOOR CLOSES.]
I thought the whole I thought he knew! [STAMMERS.]
You know, I-I have been told that sometimes I overreact.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
[LIGHTLY EDGY MUSIC.]
- Beautiful house.
- Oh, thank you.
I appreciate you letting me come over and speak to I, uh guess I owned your son pretty hard today.
Please.
I'm so ashamed of what we've done.
Yeah.
It was pretty psychotic.
And was it worth it? To get our little superstar elected high school president? Ha.
- Probably.
- Hmm.
Kinda seems like you're not that ashamed.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Please.
Could you do me one huge favor? Tell him he won the election.
I'm not doing that.
No? Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
[MELLOW POP SONG.]
Where could I start Whoa! Hey, uh mind tossing this shirt on? Getting a pretty wicked glare off your back there, bud.
Uh Listen, we we mighta let this situation get a little outta hand, you know.
Blame shared equally, of course.
Maybe 70-30, you.
I mean let's be honest.
You, uh wanna talk about it? When I won the election, I just thought people were finally starting to like me.
I don't want you to tell me that people actually do like me or that none of this matters 'cause it's just high school - or anything like that.
- Oh, no, no, no, it matters.
It matters.
It's a serious problem for you.
You get in people's business, tell 'em what they're doing wrong.
It's just no good.
Nobody wants to hear that stuff.
Come on, you gotta think more about how you come off.
But, look, it's not entirely your fault.
I mean, you've clearly been sheltered by adoring parents, you know? Normally, this sort of obnoxiousness would have been wedgied or swirlied out of you.
Who's been bullying you? Nobody.
Huh.
Well, you know, if it helps, I could I could bully you.
You know, nothing physical.
Just burns, barbs, you know.
Light verbal stuff.
Isn't that what you already do? Largely, yes, but in this particular case, the intention would be slightly more noble.
Yeah.
That'd be nice.
All right.
I don't do that.
Okay.
[TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC.]
- Ow.
It's hurting! - Really scratch it.
- I know, hurry, hurry.
- [WHISPERS.]
Here she comes! So you beauties ready to - finalize your orders? - Yep.
I got my list right here.
Whoa! Isn't this rash right where you tried - Stef's make-up? - Ooh - Oh, my God! - I have one too! Oh, no, I guess we can't buy any of your makeup anymore ever! I'm so sad! - Hey, hey, no, no, no.
- Don't be sad.
Not when you can buy this amazing concealer that will cover that right up.
Damn it, Stef! These are obviously fake rashes.
We were trying to get out of buying your make up.
- What? - Oh, no.
I think mine's turning real.
Listen, girl, we wanna support you, but we all make the same amount of money.
I've been wearing the same monthly contacts for the past two years.
I guess we were just worried that if we said no, you were gonna get really mad at us.
Well, I'm not mad.
I'm just sad that you feel like you couldn't be honest.
Look I don't know, I thought this would be a good way to make some extra dough.
And I really did think it looked good.
No, no, no, it did look good.
I don't know, I guess I just feel like a smoother complexion can sometimes have both personal and professional benefits.
Yep! I'm back in.
No! Stef, damn! You're relentless! Okay.
I'm sorry.
I guess I just gotta find out what to do with $300 worth of beauty products.
Hmm Long story short, the bats have been trapped with only one confirmed bite.
So get well soon, Mrs.
Denunzio.
Talk about handsome! The contouring's incredible.
He honestly looks insane.
Books back up on the shelves.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Lastly, I'd like to congratulate the awesome Scottie Deeks as our new Student Council President.
And Oh, disgraced former president Marcus Kasperak has accepted the position of parliamentarian, so beware, recalcitrant legislators.
Seems like an unnecessary position.
But congrats.
I'm actually excited, you know.
It's perfect for a policy wonk like me.
By the way, I, um Brought you these.
Wow.
Now, see, this is likeable behavior.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Don't you think your compulsive snacking belies some kinda unaddressed anxiety that Right.
Back of the room.
- Yeah.
- Got it.
Much appreciated.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]