Abbott Elementary (2021) s01e04 Episode Script
New Tech
Okay, let's move on to "ard.
" ALL: Ard.
Right, which means "alright.
" So, the kids here use a lot of Philadelphia slang, or as we call it, "Philly slang.
" So I like to incorporate it as sight words, which are words that kids recognize without sounding them out.
For instance, "boul" means "boy," so I'd say like, "Ooh, I have a crush on boul.
" [LAUGHS.]
Or, "Boul Meets World" is my favorite show.
JANINE: "Cheesesteak.
" CHILDREN: Cheesesteak.
And let's go to "boul.
" Boul.
Right.
Sometimes it's spelled B-U-L, which is interesting.
What is going on in this classroom? Hey, Mrs.
Howard.
I'm just teaching the kids some sight words.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a helpful teaching tool, because these kids use these - CHILDREN: Jawns - Jawns all the time.
You're abandoning the phonics principle that these children need.
This is a classroom, not a hoagie stand.
Oh, boom.
Hoagie.
Hoagie.
We had it on the board, so Hm.
Okay, kids.
Let us move on to "oldhead," one word.
CHILDREN: Oldhead.
Young bouls are so disrespectful.
MELISSA: They said that Oh, they do.
Look.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- What it do, Abbott teaching crew? Damn, the last time I was up this early was to cuss out the mailman.
I don't need all them bills coming.
Uh, I thought breakfast was being provided.
Don't act like you don't see these little boxes of cereal right here.
So, listen up.
Your favorite HBIC, AKA me, has acquired some new learning technology that will help our little ones with their reading.
Well, the school district mandated it.
It's a city-wide push.
What are you doing here? This isn't for 6th through 8th grade teachers.
I'm just here for the camaraderie, and this tasty breakfast.
You guys, I have been reading up on this, and our students are gonna get a huge boost from this software.
I mean, our kids are gonna be reading at the speed of light.
Well, I, for one, prefer the tried and true methods over whatever the latest doohickey is.
I mean, I have yet to see the program that can do what I do by, you know, teaching.
Well, old-school teaching is great, but the latest doohickey can be a helpful addition.
Yeah, tech has its place.
Like when you haven't been with a man for a few years.
Um, are subs gonna have to do this? I thought I'd mainly be showing Pixar movies.
You guys, all I'm saying is, we should keep an open mind.
There was a great website called AtoZOneTwoThree that taught me how to read when I was a kid.
My parents certainly weren't around to do it.
[LAUGHS.]
I had to potty-train myself.
Overshare.
Well, I do not need some young Zuckerburn Zuckerberg.
Pimple-faced kid fresh from the Smart Bar - Genius Bar - telling me how to teach! Good morning.
You're the tech teacher? Sure am.
Can't keep us old folks down, right? Alright, what I'm providing you with today will revolutionize your classrooms.
It not only helps in teaching students how to read, it delivers up-to-the-minute data on their progress that will be analyzed at the end of each day.
And the better the results, the more funding we get, - so this is good, y'all.
- Mm-hmm.
Each of you will get one of these.
New tablets! [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERING.]
Yeah! Okay, who do you got to bang to get into the analytics annex? It's really very easy.
Just use the highlight tool to pinpoint the pronunciation mistakes, create a word cloud, output a ranks list, see the percentage of your students that missed that word, and that'll determine whether it becomes a "TAI," or "Targeted Area for Improvement.
" - Easy-peasy, keep it breezy! - Oh.
[TABLET BEEPING.]
Hey.
How's it going, Barb? - Oh.
Easy-peasy.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, sure.
I am so excited that Barbara is so confused, because it means I get to help her with something.
I need her help every day, so if I can return the favor just once, it means I'm no longer a newbie I'm her peer.
[LAUGHS.]
Gregory.
Broseph.
Brotato.
Yeah, I'm still, uh Still finding that.
What's up, man? I'm just looking for some creamer.
Listen, you're the new guy here.
I've been here a month.
I am the second-year vet.
I figured I would, you know, show you a few things around here.
No, I'm just, uh, looking for So, we've got Ms.
Cooper over there.
I've been here a year and a half.
She's been pregnant the whole time.
I don't ask questions.
I'll even take powdered creamer.
That's Mrs.
Robertson.
Watch out, she will talk your ear off.
And, uh, oh, you know Melissa, of course.
She's, uh you know, the Southern Philly type.
'Scuse me? You talking about me? Yeah, uh I was I was saying you are a, uh A A Southern Philly Type.
- South Philly.
- Right.
Right.
That's what I said.
Right.
Honestly, it's like It's like the best part of our beautiful city.
I love how you guys will just, like, park anywhere.
Yeah, okay.
You know, I'm actually teaching a lesson right now about the unions in the city and how many of them started in South Philly.
Oh, no way.
I know some guys that were part of that.
I'm glad you're teaching that to the kids.
Good job.
Just like I said she is a shady lady.
That's why you and me, we got to stick together, man.
You know? Like coffee and creamer.
Alright, in.
Ugh.
Teach the children to read with this? I can hardly read this.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Now, who took that picture of me? [SING-SONG.]
Barbara.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, how's it going with the new program? Oh, it's, uh, a little hard to understand, but I'm getting the hang of it.
Okay, yeah.
Just wanted to check in in case this was tricky for you.
You know, I grew up with this stuff - and it gets me sometimes.
- Okay.
I somehow lost my crypto wallet.
But you come from a different generation, and so it would be totally understandable if you were having trouble with it.
Are you kidding me? I'm Miss Tech, you know.
I love tech.
Shop at the App Store.
Got a Hotmail.
I once even rode in a Tesla.
I'm already ahead on the first couple of lessons.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Can I see? - No.
- Oh.
Janine, you're disturbing my students.
I'm I'm whispering.
It's just your overall presence, so if you wouldn't mind just excusing yourself? I'm a little behind on my Hotmail correspondences.
Okay.
Barbara says she's doing well, but this program is really hard.
She just has a ton of pride, so I'm gonna wait for her to come and ask me for help.
Oh, I can't wait.
And that is how union and non-union workers came together and worked as one to help solve the labor crisis in South Philly, okay? Alright, we are going to have to grab a noun from the Noun Pool I don't get this.
Sweetheart, neither do I.
BARBARA: Okay, so here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to continue teaching my students how to read like I have been for 30 years.
I'll input whatever information I need to into that program, and then I'll just keep doing what I have been doing, and everybody else will just have to back off.
Hey, Hill.
That lesson, that was garbage.
- That's not what happened.
- Okay, well, I've read several books on the subject.
I think I know the history of the lesson.
Well, me and my family lived it, so I think we know the history.
I've also listened to several podcasts.
Look, how about this? I know a guy who was actually a captain back in the day.
How about I hook you up, he can come to the class and do like an eyewitness account for the kids? Unexpected, but I am so happy Melissa's bringing in a police captain.
He's gonna be able to talk to the kids about how this is done peacefully.
I'm just really happy Vinny, the strike captain, is out of jail so he can do this.
It's also gonna count towards his community service.
Just 100 more hours, and his record's cleared.
BARBARA: Good morning.
Come on down.
You ready for a good day? That's what I'm talking about.
AVA: Morning, Abbott Elementarians! It turns out one of our teachers is just too good! According to our new reading program, Mrs.
Howard's kindergartners - are reading at a 4th grade level! - No.
Mrs.
Howard, you are, once again, that girl.
Barbara? No.
No.
No.
Okay.
Thank you.
No.
Okay, that's enough.
When I say "Mrs.
," you say "Howard.
" - Mrs - ALL: Howard! - Mrs - Howard! - Mrs - Howard! - Mrs - Howard! Hey, Barbara.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
You clearly knew what you were doing, and I arrogantly assumed Or hoped, rather That you would need my help, but once again, I need yours.
You are officially Yoda with better edges.
Okay, which one of you Young Sheldons is gonna get me to Mars witcha little smart reading selves? There's actually no need for all of this.
I'm just doing my job.
But don't forget, it was your girl that brought in that dope program.
Oh, my God.
Look at me, not even taking credit for something I had so much to do with.
[LAUGHS.]
Barbara, you know what? Since so many of us need help, what if you put on, like, a little presentation for the rest of us? You're thinking too small, Janine.
We should have an assembly and have one of Barbara's students read to the whole school.
Show these little illiterate fools how to literate.
Yes! Not the second part.
Yes! Okay.
We can have Khalil read.
No, not Khalil.
Everybody knows that little dork can read.
- I was thinking him.
- BOY: Whoo-hoo! [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
5 years old, reading at a 4th grade level? You performed a damn miracle on that boy.
- That was a pretty tough time for me - Hey.
He's here.
He's on his way in.
Oh.
Oh.
That's fantastic, Melissa.
Okay, let me, um, set him up for the Uh, students.
We are about to hear from a heroic, upstanding citizen of this city, okay, who helped to peacefully end one of Kids, meet Vinny Romano.
Call me The Tire Iron.
Uh, hello, Mr.
Iron.
Um, is there anything else we could call you? Nope.
Okay, come on now.
Here we go.
I don't think Will is ready to read just yet, but I have read from this book so many times, he practically has it memorized.
I'm sure he'll have no problem.
- [SLOWLY.]
"Jack and Jill" - Yes.
- " went up the" - The.
Okay, Will, it's your name with an "H.
" Hilliam! No.
Barbara, can I borrow some gold stars? I gave all mine out this morning.
My kids are amazing.
Uh, I'll even take red.
Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Oh, well, if it isn't Abbott's brightest little reader.
Are you excited to show the school your skills? Yeah? - Here you go.
- Hmm.
- Is he okay? - Oh, he's fine.
[CHUCKLES.]
This child has just gained entry into the magical world of books, so please, Janine, allow him time to celebrate.
Okay.
Yeah.
Good morning, kids.
Good morning to you all, as well.
Subbing here has been fine.
[STAMMERS.]
I haven't even gotten past teaching the kids my name, let alone that confusing reading program.
I'm hoping once they learn those things, then we can just start watching movies.
- Hey, Gregory.
- Hey.
Hi.
Um, how are you settling in? - It's going well.
- Yeah? I'm figuring out where everything is, who everyone is.
Yeah.
Well, I'm Janine.
- That I know.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hmm Uh, my gosh.
How are you doing with this new reading program? Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm not gonna lie.
It's got me even more confused than I already was teaching here.
I cannot get past a single lesson without an error message.
It's really annoying.
Why don't we get together after school and we can figure it out? Um, I would love that.
You kidding me? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God, but, shoot.
My boyfriend is picking me up after school today.
You know what? You can come hang with us.
I mean, we're just going to IKEA.
You can help us pick out a bed.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, um Oh, God.
Um I actually have somebody picking me up after school.
- She's a girl - Oh.
She's a woman, I mean.
Like, it's a car full of women and What? Nothing.
Oh.
Okay, well, see you later.
I'll see you around school.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, you, too.
Hey, enjoy the bed.
- Oh, we will.
- Ha! Uh, I was just kidding.
But see you later! - Uh-huh.
- Bye.
So hundreds of us come piling off this bus, right? And the punk firefighters, they didn't even show their pretty little faces, you know? And the pigs, they were mad 'cause we were throwing rocks.
It's like, hey, just relax.
They're just freakin' rocks, you know? [LAUGHS.]
So, anyway, we tell that MELISSA: He's great, right? [WHISPERING.]
Why did you bring him here? Uh, didn't we agree to this? I thought you were bringing a police captain.
Someone to talk about how the union worked together in peace? That's not the real story.
This is the truth.
He's giving them an eyewitness account to history.
Eyewitness? I think the term is "accomplice.
" This is the problem I have with people like you.
You want to romanticize this city, but you won't acknowledge the truth.
Like, you want to run up the Rocky steps, but you can't take a punch in the face.
I can take a punch in the face.
What What What are you saying? I'm some kind of, like, hipster poseur? Look, I care, okay? I am here, teaching, every day.
No, I'm saying you can't teach the kids right if you don't respect where they're from.
It's about respect.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Me and the rest of the class are going on strike until there are no more pop quizzes.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Lights.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
We are here to celebrate Barbara's genius kindergartners.
This is a tremendous opportunity for this school.
Before we begin, I would like to detail all the ways that I personally made this happen.
It all started when I was watching "Coach Carter" for the 17th time.
and Jill came tumbling after.
Perfect! Now, when we get up on stage, you're gonna do it just like that, okay? No.
And no dancing.
But that's what I do, Ms.
Howard! Hey, Mrs.
Howard.
Hey, after the assembly, do you think you can come help me with the program? My kids are struggling, and I know I ask you for help all the time, but what can I say? You're the best.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Janine - Sometimes I wonder if I put you on too high a pedestal, but then I think it's not high enough.
I say, "Janine, she's just a person like you" You know what? I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
You make [VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm sorry.
You make me want to be a better teacher.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
I'm starting to forget the words.
Oh, gotta go! I've done more for this school in one year than he did for the whole movie, so I - Okay, thank you.
- Oh, I guess it's time to go.
That kid's a reading fool.
Good afternoon, Abbott.
My student, William, will be reading "Jack and Jill.
" Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Change of plans.
My copy of Michelle Obama's book just came in, and since Will reads at a 4th grade level, that shouldn't be a problem.
Oh, no.
I really think that Will would prefer to read Don't nobody want to hear about pails and water and whatnot.
We want to hear what "Michelle O" got to say.
I hope there's a section in there about her meet cute with my man, Barry Hussein.
MAN: Alright.
[GULPS.]
Okay.
Here goes.
Okay, that's enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Everybody, um, my student, Will, is a wonderful student and dancer, but he cannot read this book just yet.
The truth is, I was actually able to log into the program, but, um, I was just pushing buttons.
I did not mean to say that they could read at a 4th grade level.
I know how to teach these kids how to read.
I just can't use that program.
So I lied.
I can't believe Barbara lied to me.
Normally, I encourage cheating, but, girl, you gots to let me know.
[LAUGHS.]
Barbara? Who'd have thought? Hey, Barbara.
Another great Abbott Elementary assembly.
Um Why wouldn't you let me help you? I was handling it the best way I could.
By lying instead of letting me help you? That is not what this is about.
Then what is it about? Because I don't get it.
[SIGHS.]
I am good at this job, and I know how to do it well, but admitting that I couldn't figure this program out, it was like I was saying, "I am getting too old.
" And you don't know what that feels like All these new people and this new tech.
[SIGHS.]
It just made me feel like I was being pushed out to sea.
Okay, well, if you're being pushed out, then I'm being pushed out, too, because it's hard for me.
It's hard for all of us, even the kids, and they come out of the womb selling NFTs.
See? I don't even know what that is.
So I guess I'm just an oldface.
- Oldhead.
- And that, too.
I don't know what NFT means, either.
Hm.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
What if we figured out this stuff together? I'd like that.
Okay.
Are we having a moment right now? Are those jelly beans on your belt? I wanted to teach Barbara something so bad that I never considered what she might be going through.
But we did have a little bonding moment back there.
I ruined it, but it happened.
You got that, right? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey.
I brought you some lasagna as a peace offering.
You know, I don't just eat Italian, or am I a stereotype to you? Oh, my God, no.
Of course not.
I'll I'll throw it out.
Hey, hey.
What am I, an idiot? Give it to me.
- Oh! - Um.
Melissa, I I made some dumb assumptions about you, about South Philly.
I was condescending.
Basically, I was a jerk.
I wish my ex-husband could ever admit that much.
Well, I'm really sorry.
Listen, you're trying to sanitize this place and its history It doesn't need it.
This is who we are, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Tire Iron, of course, representing the ugly.
Well, I wouldn't say that to his face.
Hey, I know you mean well, hon.
You want the best for your kids.
Just next time, have a more open mind, that's all.
I will.
And And thank you.
My students got a lot out of what Vinny had to say.
- Oh, good.
- They collectively bargained, and they all have pensions now.
[CHUCKLES.]
Solid.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- But - There you go! - [LAUGHS.]
Yes! - Yes! It can be daunting when a new technology is introduced and it's changing the way you do things, but this is the future.
- I got in.
- I've mastered it.
Girrrrllls And Young Idris.
Turns out the software we've been using was invented by the Pennsylvania Penal System to collect data for prisons.
Prisons? Something about the correlation between lower reading levels and the amount of prison beds they're supposed to build? Oh, my God.
Apparently, it's illegal.
[SCOFFS.]
I am just as disgusted as you all are.
Disgraceful.
You're gonna sell those, aren't you? And what would you rather I do, Melissa? [SCOFFS.]
That's a shame.
I really liked that feature where I could teach a whole class on just one letter.
You know what? I think I might know something we can use instead.
- It's pretty simple.
And then - Very.
The fun thing about this is "At 54, I'm still in progress, and I hope I always will be.
" - Did he just - Oh, my God.
You You just read! You just read! BOTH: He just read! You're a baby genius! Wow.
Ooh, yes! Oh, my goodness! [LAUGHS.]
Yes, yes! "Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result.
" Mm.
I know that's right.
Can I have a break? No, keep reading.
It's just getting good.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Absolutely not.
Let's go.
Come on, Barbara.
You owe me an Audible membership.
" ALL: Ard.
Right, which means "alright.
" So, the kids here use a lot of Philadelphia slang, or as we call it, "Philly slang.
" So I like to incorporate it as sight words, which are words that kids recognize without sounding them out.
For instance, "boul" means "boy," so I'd say like, "Ooh, I have a crush on boul.
" [LAUGHS.]
Or, "Boul Meets World" is my favorite show.
JANINE: "Cheesesteak.
" CHILDREN: Cheesesteak.
And let's go to "boul.
" Boul.
Right.
Sometimes it's spelled B-U-L, which is interesting.
What is going on in this classroom? Hey, Mrs.
Howard.
I'm just teaching the kids some sight words.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's a helpful teaching tool, because these kids use these - CHILDREN: Jawns - Jawns all the time.
You're abandoning the phonics principle that these children need.
This is a classroom, not a hoagie stand.
Oh, boom.
Hoagie.
Hoagie.
We had it on the board, so Hm.
Okay, kids.
Let us move on to "oldhead," one word.
CHILDREN: Oldhead.
Young bouls are so disrespectful.
MELISSA: They said that Oh, they do.
Look.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- What it do, Abbott teaching crew? Damn, the last time I was up this early was to cuss out the mailman.
I don't need all them bills coming.
Uh, I thought breakfast was being provided.
Don't act like you don't see these little boxes of cereal right here.
So, listen up.
Your favorite HBIC, AKA me, has acquired some new learning technology that will help our little ones with their reading.
Well, the school district mandated it.
It's a city-wide push.
What are you doing here? This isn't for 6th through 8th grade teachers.
I'm just here for the camaraderie, and this tasty breakfast.
You guys, I have been reading up on this, and our students are gonna get a huge boost from this software.
I mean, our kids are gonna be reading at the speed of light.
Well, I, for one, prefer the tried and true methods over whatever the latest doohickey is.
I mean, I have yet to see the program that can do what I do by, you know, teaching.
Well, old-school teaching is great, but the latest doohickey can be a helpful addition.
Yeah, tech has its place.
Like when you haven't been with a man for a few years.
Um, are subs gonna have to do this? I thought I'd mainly be showing Pixar movies.
You guys, all I'm saying is, we should keep an open mind.
There was a great website called AtoZOneTwoThree that taught me how to read when I was a kid.
My parents certainly weren't around to do it.
[LAUGHS.]
I had to potty-train myself.
Overshare.
Well, I do not need some young Zuckerburn Zuckerberg.
Pimple-faced kid fresh from the Smart Bar - Genius Bar - telling me how to teach! Good morning.
You're the tech teacher? Sure am.
Can't keep us old folks down, right? Alright, what I'm providing you with today will revolutionize your classrooms.
It not only helps in teaching students how to read, it delivers up-to-the-minute data on their progress that will be analyzed at the end of each day.
And the better the results, the more funding we get, - so this is good, y'all.
- Mm-hmm.
Each of you will get one of these.
New tablets! [CHUCKLES.]
[WHISPERING.]
Yeah! Okay, who do you got to bang to get into the analytics annex? It's really very easy.
Just use the highlight tool to pinpoint the pronunciation mistakes, create a word cloud, output a ranks list, see the percentage of your students that missed that word, and that'll determine whether it becomes a "TAI," or "Targeted Area for Improvement.
" - Easy-peasy, keep it breezy! - Oh.
[TABLET BEEPING.]
Hey.
How's it going, Barb? - Oh.
Easy-peasy.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, sure.
I am so excited that Barbara is so confused, because it means I get to help her with something.
I need her help every day, so if I can return the favor just once, it means I'm no longer a newbie I'm her peer.
[LAUGHS.]
Gregory.
Broseph.
Brotato.
Yeah, I'm still, uh Still finding that.
What's up, man? I'm just looking for some creamer.
Listen, you're the new guy here.
I've been here a month.
I am the second-year vet.
I figured I would, you know, show you a few things around here.
No, I'm just, uh, looking for So, we've got Ms.
Cooper over there.
I've been here a year and a half.
She's been pregnant the whole time.
I don't ask questions.
I'll even take powdered creamer.
That's Mrs.
Robertson.
Watch out, she will talk your ear off.
And, uh, oh, you know Melissa, of course.
She's, uh you know, the Southern Philly type.
'Scuse me? You talking about me? Yeah, uh I was I was saying you are a, uh A A Southern Philly Type.
- South Philly.
- Right.
Right.
That's what I said.
Right.
Honestly, it's like It's like the best part of our beautiful city.
I love how you guys will just, like, park anywhere.
Yeah, okay.
You know, I'm actually teaching a lesson right now about the unions in the city and how many of them started in South Philly.
Oh, no way.
I know some guys that were part of that.
I'm glad you're teaching that to the kids.
Good job.
Just like I said she is a shady lady.
That's why you and me, we got to stick together, man.
You know? Like coffee and creamer.
Alright, in.
Ugh.
Teach the children to read with this? I can hardly read this.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Now, who took that picture of me? [SING-SONG.]
Barbara.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, how's it going with the new program? Oh, it's, uh, a little hard to understand, but I'm getting the hang of it.
Okay, yeah.
Just wanted to check in in case this was tricky for you.
You know, I grew up with this stuff - and it gets me sometimes.
- Okay.
I somehow lost my crypto wallet.
But you come from a different generation, and so it would be totally understandable if you were having trouble with it.
Are you kidding me? I'm Miss Tech, you know.
I love tech.
Shop at the App Store.
Got a Hotmail.
I once even rode in a Tesla.
I'm already ahead on the first couple of lessons.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Can I see? - No.
- Oh.
Janine, you're disturbing my students.
I'm I'm whispering.
It's just your overall presence, so if you wouldn't mind just excusing yourself? I'm a little behind on my Hotmail correspondences.
Okay.
Barbara says she's doing well, but this program is really hard.
She just has a ton of pride, so I'm gonna wait for her to come and ask me for help.
Oh, I can't wait.
And that is how union and non-union workers came together and worked as one to help solve the labor crisis in South Philly, okay? Alright, we are going to have to grab a noun from the Noun Pool I don't get this.
Sweetheart, neither do I.
BARBARA: Okay, so here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to continue teaching my students how to read like I have been for 30 years.
I'll input whatever information I need to into that program, and then I'll just keep doing what I have been doing, and everybody else will just have to back off.
Hey, Hill.
That lesson, that was garbage.
- That's not what happened.
- Okay, well, I've read several books on the subject.
I think I know the history of the lesson.
Well, me and my family lived it, so I think we know the history.
I've also listened to several podcasts.
Look, how about this? I know a guy who was actually a captain back in the day.
How about I hook you up, he can come to the class and do like an eyewitness account for the kids? Unexpected, but I am so happy Melissa's bringing in a police captain.
He's gonna be able to talk to the kids about how this is done peacefully.
I'm just really happy Vinny, the strike captain, is out of jail so he can do this.
It's also gonna count towards his community service.
Just 100 more hours, and his record's cleared.
BARBARA: Good morning.
Come on down.
You ready for a good day? That's what I'm talking about.
AVA: Morning, Abbott Elementarians! It turns out one of our teachers is just too good! According to our new reading program, Mrs.
Howard's kindergartners - are reading at a 4th grade level! - No.
Mrs.
Howard, you are, once again, that girl.
Barbara? No.
No.
No.
Okay.
Thank you.
No.
Okay, that's enough.
When I say "Mrs.
," you say "Howard.
" - Mrs - ALL: Howard! - Mrs - Howard! - Mrs - Howard! - Mrs - Howard! Hey, Barbara.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.
You clearly knew what you were doing, and I arrogantly assumed Or hoped, rather That you would need my help, but once again, I need yours.
You are officially Yoda with better edges.
Okay, which one of you Young Sheldons is gonna get me to Mars witcha little smart reading selves? There's actually no need for all of this.
I'm just doing my job.
But don't forget, it was your girl that brought in that dope program.
Oh, my God.
Look at me, not even taking credit for something I had so much to do with.
[LAUGHS.]
Barbara, you know what? Since so many of us need help, what if you put on, like, a little presentation for the rest of us? You're thinking too small, Janine.
We should have an assembly and have one of Barbara's students read to the whole school.
Show these little illiterate fools how to literate.
Yes! Not the second part.
Yes! Okay.
We can have Khalil read.
No, not Khalil.
Everybody knows that little dork can read.
- I was thinking him.
- BOY: Whoo-hoo! [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
5 years old, reading at a 4th grade level? You performed a damn miracle on that boy.
- That was a pretty tough time for me - Hey.
He's here.
He's on his way in.
Oh.
Oh.
That's fantastic, Melissa.
Okay, let me, um, set him up for the Uh, students.
We are about to hear from a heroic, upstanding citizen of this city, okay, who helped to peacefully end one of Kids, meet Vinny Romano.
Call me The Tire Iron.
Uh, hello, Mr.
Iron.
Um, is there anything else we could call you? Nope.
Okay, come on now.
Here we go.
I don't think Will is ready to read just yet, but I have read from this book so many times, he practically has it memorized.
I'm sure he'll have no problem.
- [SLOWLY.]
"Jack and Jill" - Yes.
- " went up the" - The.
Okay, Will, it's your name with an "H.
" Hilliam! No.
Barbara, can I borrow some gold stars? I gave all mine out this morning.
My kids are amazing.
Uh, I'll even take red.
Oh, sure.
Thank you.
Oh, well, if it isn't Abbott's brightest little reader.
Are you excited to show the school your skills? Yeah? - Here you go.
- Hmm.
- Is he okay? - Oh, he's fine.
[CHUCKLES.]
This child has just gained entry into the magical world of books, so please, Janine, allow him time to celebrate.
Okay.
Yeah.
Good morning, kids.
Good morning to you all, as well.
Subbing here has been fine.
[STAMMERS.]
I haven't even gotten past teaching the kids my name, let alone that confusing reading program.
I'm hoping once they learn those things, then we can just start watching movies.
- Hey, Gregory.
- Hey.
Hi.
Um, how are you settling in? - It's going well.
- Yeah? I'm figuring out where everything is, who everyone is.
Yeah.
Well, I'm Janine.
- That I know.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Hmm Uh, my gosh.
How are you doing with this new reading program? Oh.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm not gonna lie.
It's got me even more confused than I already was teaching here.
I cannot get past a single lesson without an error message.
It's really annoying.
Why don't we get together after school and we can figure it out? Um, I would love that.
You kidding me? [CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God, but, shoot.
My boyfriend is picking me up after school today.
You know what? You can come hang with us.
I mean, we're just going to IKEA.
You can help us pick out a bed.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, um Oh, God.
Um I actually have somebody picking me up after school.
- She's a girl - Oh.
She's a woman, I mean.
Like, it's a car full of women and What? Nothing.
Oh.
Okay, well, see you later.
I'll see you around school.
Yeah, yeah.
Alright, you, too.
Hey, enjoy the bed.
- Oh, we will.
- Ha! Uh, I was just kidding.
But see you later! - Uh-huh.
- Bye.
So hundreds of us come piling off this bus, right? And the punk firefighters, they didn't even show their pretty little faces, you know? And the pigs, they were mad 'cause we were throwing rocks.
It's like, hey, just relax.
They're just freakin' rocks, you know? [LAUGHS.]
So, anyway, we tell that MELISSA: He's great, right? [WHISPERING.]
Why did you bring him here? Uh, didn't we agree to this? I thought you were bringing a police captain.
Someone to talk about how the union worked together in peace? That's not the real story.
This is the truth.
He's giving them an eyewitness account to history.
Eyewitness? I think the term is "accomplice.
" This is the problem I have with people like you.
You want to romanticize this city, but you won't acknowledge the truth.
Like, you want to run up the Rocky steps, but you can't take a punch in the face.
I can take a punch in the face.
What What What are you saying? I'm some kind of, like, hipster poseur? Look, I care, okay? I am here, teaching, every day.
No, I'm saying you can't teach the kids right if you don't respect where they're from.
It's about respect.
[FOOTSTEPS.]
Me and the rest of the class are going on strike until there are no more pop quizzes.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Lights.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
We are here to celebrate Barbara's genius kindergartners.
This is a tremendous opportunity for this school.
Before we begin, I would like to detail all the ways that I personally made this happen.
It all started when I was watching "Coach Carter" for the 17th time.
and Jill came tumbling after.
Perfect! Now, when we get up on stage, you're gonna do it just like that, okay? No.
And no dancing.
But that's what I do, Ms.
Howard! Hey, Mrs.
Howard.
Hey, after the assembly, do you think you can come help me with the program? My kids are struggling, and I know I ask you for help all the time, but what can I say? You're the best.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Janine - Sometimes I wonder if I put you on too high a pedestal, but then I think it's not high enough.
I say, "Janine, she's just a person like you" You know what? I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
You make [VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm sorry.
You make me want to be a better teacher.
Okay.
[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY.]
I'm starting to forget the words.
Oh, gotta go! I've done more for this school in one year than he did for the whole movie, so I - Okay, thank you.
- Oh, I guess it's time to go.
That kid's a reading fool.
Good afternoon, Abbott.
My student, William, will be reading "Jack and Jill.
" Oh! [LAUGHS.]
Change of plans.
My copy of Michelle Obama's book just came in, and since Will reads at a 4th grade level, that shouldn't be a problem.
Oh, no.
I really think that Will would prefer to read Don't nobody want to hear about pails and water and whatnot.
We want to hear what "Michelle O" got to say.
I hope there's a section in there about her meet cute with my man, Barry Hussein.
MAN: Alright.
[GULPS.]
Okay.
Here goes.
Okay, that's enough.
[CHUCKLES.]
Everybody, um, my student, Will, is a wonderful student and dancer, but he cannot read this book just yet.
The truth is, I was actually able to log into the program, but, um, I was just pushing buttons.
I did not mean to say that they could read at a 4th grade level.
I know how to teach these kids how to read.
I just can't use that program.
So I lied.
I can't believe Barbara lied to me.
Normally, I encourage cheating, but, girl, you gots to let me know.
[LAUGHS.]
Barbara? Who'd have thought? Hey, Barbara.
Another great Abbott Elementary assembly.
Um Why wouldn't you let me help you? I was handling it the best way I could.
By lying instead of letting me help you? That is not what this is about.
Then what is it about? Because I don't get it.
[SIGHS.]
I am good at this job, and I know how to do it well, but admitting that I couldn't figure this program out, it was like I was saying, "I am getting too old.
" And you don't know what that feels like All these new people and this new tech.
[SIGHS.]
It just made me feel like I was being pushed out to sea.
Okay, well, if you're being pushed out, then I'm being pushed out, too, because it's hard for me.
It's hard for all of us, even the kids, and they come out of the womb selling NFTs.
See? I don't even know what that is.
So I guess I'm just an oldface.
- Oldhead.
- And that, too.
I don't know what NFT means, either.
Hm.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
What if we figured out this stuff together? I'd like that.
Okay.
Are we having a moment right now? Are those jelly beans on your belt? I wanted to teach Barbara something so bad that I never considered what she might be going through.
But we did have a little bonding moment back there.
I ruined it, but it happened.
You got that, right? [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey.
I brought you some lasagna as a peace offering.
You know, I don't just eat Italian, or am I a stereotype to you? Oh, my God, no.
Of course not.
I'll I'll throw it out.
Hey, hey.
What am I, an idiot? Give it to me.
- Oh! - Um.
Melissa, I I made some dumb assumptions about you, about South Philly.
I was condescending.
Basically, I was a jerk.
I wish my ex-husband could ever admit that much.
Well, I'm really sorry.
Listen, you're trying to sanitize this place and its history It doesn't need it.
This is who we are, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Tire Iron, of course, representing the ugly.
Well, I wouldn't say that to his face.
Hey, I know you mean well, hon.
You want the best for your kids.
Just next time, have a more open mind, that's all.
I will.
And And thank you.
My students got a lot out of what Vinny had to say.
- Oh, good.
- They collectively bargained, and they all have pensions now.
[CHUCKLES.]
Solid.
[CHUCKLES.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- But - There you go! - [LAUGHS.]
Yes! - Yes! It can be daunting when a new technology is introduced and it's changing the way you do things, but this is the future.
- I got in.
- I've mastered it.
Girrrrllls And Young Idris.
Turns out the software we've been using was invented by the Pennsylvania Penal System to collect data for prisons.
Prisons? Something about the correlation between lower reading levels and the amount of prison beds they're supposed to build? Oh, my God.
Apparently, it's illegal.
[SCOFFS.]
I am just as disgusted as you all are.
Disgraceful.
You're gonna sell those, aren't you? And what would you rather I do, Melissa? [SCOFFS.]
That's a shame.
I really liked that feature where I could teach a whole class on just one letter.
You know what? I think I might know something we can use instead.
- It's pretty simple.
And then - Very.
The fun thing about this is "At 54, I'm still in progress, and I hope I always will be.
" - Did he just - Oh, my God.
You You just read! You just read! BOTH: He just read! You're a baby genius! Wow.
Ooh, yes! Oh, my goodness! [LAUGHS.]
Yes, yes! "Failure is a feeling long before it becomes an actual result.
" Mm.
I know that's right.
Can I have a break? No, keep reading.
It's just getting good.
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Absolutely not.
Let's go.
Come on, Barbara.
You owe me an Audible membership.