Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s01e04 Episode Script

# Wheels on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode Hello? Saffy, it's me.
Listen Darling, I'm in the isolation tank in my bathroom.
Don't leave the house without telling me.
All right? I'm going to see if I can last another 15 minutes.
Okay.
A call came through for Patsy, but I couldn't find her.
All right.
Okay.
There's a call come through for you, Pats.
I'd better go, Eddy.
Here we go.
You're gonna have to get used to doing it on your own, darling.
Just keep talking to me.
Keep talking to me.
All right? Don't shut the lid.
Oh Good these, aren't they? I had this shipped from L.
A.
No one else here has got one.
Looks like a Robin Reliant.
Yes, we're in the kitchen.
It wouldn't be wise to relate it all to the DNA structure too early.
It's important to keep a demonstration simple, especially for those listening.
Yes, even though we know it's really very complicated and difficult.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm so late.
- We're just about to have some lunch.
- Massive house! - Not really.
It's just on a lot of floors.
- They're all the same in this area.
- Oh, well Great area.
My mother bought it before it was nice.
Then everybody else started living here.
- Sarah lives just up the road.
- Yes.
Where I live it's just a load of workman's cottages and council flats.
- Oh, where is that? - Chelsea.
There's lots of homeless people living down our street, so So, what? After college I'm going to work with homeless people.
- I thought you'd be an investment banker.
- Oh, no, no, that's just what Pop wants.
Watch out, Pats, entering a No Fun Zone.
- A coven.
- Mmm We're just coming down to get a bit of lunch.
We'll take it back upstairs.
Let's get a little bit of dry bread and a cup of water and scuttle back upstairs.
Hi, I'm Daniel - Hello, Daniel - Danny, hello.
Don't let us disturb you, darling.
Can I offer anyone a drink? Can I, boys? Danny, can I get you something? - Yes, thanks, I'll have a Bud.
- A Bud, yeah.
- You? - Me? Ah A Bud, please.
Here we go, Danny.
Sisters Grimm, can I tempt you? - We don't drink, Mum.
- No, I didn't think we drank.
- Champers all right for you, Pats? - Lovely, sweetie.
Here we go.
# Little bit of champ Mum, what are you doing here? You're hanging around as if you're on holiday.
I know, darling.
I've got a lot of time on my hands.
Bubble is doing everything.
- Bubble? - It's strange, isn't it? Ever since I sent her to that occupational hypnotist she's been .
.
well, almost like a PA.
It's extraordinary.
Pats, shall we finish off the Beluga, or have smoked salmon? - Whatever, sweetie.
- All right, we'll finish off the Beluga.
Here we go.
# La, la, la You all right there with just your little biscuits and dry cheese? You can have anything you want, Danny.
Whole house at your disposal - We're fine.
Thank you, Mum.
- We'll just be over here nibbling away.
You won't even know we're here, darling.
- I'm sorry about that.
- It's okay, we understand.
Can we go over how many molecules Oh, shh, Pats.
And how many are we going to reconstruct for the presentation? - Jane's divorce has come through.
- Oh, thank bloody God.
Now they're fighting over the Hello.
! magazine deal - What are they offering? - Darling, peanuts! Thirty five grand and she'll throw in the kids as well It must be worth more than that.
- He's got the dog and the house in L.
A.
- He's got the pool, sweetie.
Can you keep it down, please? Sorry, sweetie.
Sorry, darling.
Do you want to hear some gossip about someone you don't know? Tell me on the way to the office.
We'd better go, we're getting looks.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
- It's like kissing a spawning sturgeon.
- Just 'cos I like having eggs in my mouth.
The only place she's still got them, eh, Danny? See you later, sweetie.
Me and my ovaries are leaving.
- Sorry about my mother.
- Oh, she's great.
she was crying so much I had to hang up.
I'll phone back later and get the rest of the story.
I'm sure she won't mind that I know.
I'm here, don't panic, everything under control I'll just finish signing these.
- You want me to sign a few? - No, that's it now.
- Have you had lunch? - Yes, look We've had lunch.
- I'll get some coffee, wine and champagne.
- Yes, we'll be needing some of that.
Where's all my stuff? Here we go! Got it.
! Look through this month's selection while I prepare your diary.
Diary? I haven't got a diary.
What's she talking about? What's this? I can't sit here flicking through magazines.
I'm not at the bloody hairdressers.
Call Diane back.
She must have stopped blubbing by now.
No, darling, later.
I'm busy, busy.
Shall we have a bitch through Hello.
! magazine and the Enquirer? Come, on, sweetie.
Catherine Oxenberg, Liz Taylor, Khashoggi, Shahpari Khashoggi, darling.
All that money and she's still got a moustache.
Oh, sweetie, one more face lift on this one and she'll have a beard.
Why do we think Pricilla Presley wears gloves? - Oh, I don't know.
- Liver spots, don't you remember? Where's Bubble? What's happening here? What is it? What's happening? I'll just go through a few of the things in this week's diary.
Charity: Emporio Armani, drinks, lunch, launch, Gucci opening.
Invites for fashion shows: Westwood, Hamnett, Jackson, Richmond.
I said yes to all You can do Westwood.
Party, party, party, party Koo Stark is having a retrospective of work she has yet to do.
That'll be drinks and a press call Book launches: 1 Bill Wyman's Coping With Cystitis.
Press call and ribs at Sticky Fingers.
Party, party, party, movie meetings.
2 Paula Yates, her book If I Can't Have A Career Why Should They.
? There will be a party and she will be expressing milk throughout.
Oh, I'm not going to that.
Linda McCartney, Joan Collins, Emma Freud, Marie Helvin, Ivana Trump, the launch of her new perfume The Smell That lingers longer Than He Does.
- Tokyo, Hong Kong, New York, Paris - Did Bruce call?.
Just for a chat, so I had the chat.
Nothing worth you bothering with.
The rest is all bottom of the league stuff.
Esther Rantzen, Simon Bates, Christopher Tarrant, Amanda de Cadenet.
- Your car is here.
- Right, gotta dash.
I'm on my mobile if you want me.
I'm sort of surplus to my own life now, aren't I, sweetie? - Hello.
Hello, Saffron, sweetie.
- Hi.
If you come round tomorrow we'll have one more day before the presentation.
- The what, darling? - It doesn't matter, Mum.
Don't let her talk to you like that, Eddy.
Tell her she's adopted.
- What? - Doesn't matter, sweetie.
Excuse me, can I just do something that's really been irritating me.
You can't tell Patsy about arranging balls.
She was always very good at genetics.
I'm not surprised.
She's been a walking sperm bank most of her life.
- Oh, well, I must be off.
- Oh, no, we'll leave the room, darling.
- We're just friends.
- Bye.
Bye, Pats.
- Can I help you with your molecules? - No, please don't touch them.
Don't touch them - We could be friends, darling.
- I've got friends.
You can't mean those little bits of lichen you had sitting round here today.
Good God, when I think of the schools that I sent you to.
The interesting and creative people you could be with if you had stayed at them.
Bedales, for God's sake! But you had to send yourself off to your little local grammar.
People don't get more interesting the more money you lay out.
They do, darling.
Fact of life.
- Why can't you just rebel, for God's sake? - I thought I was.
I mean, you and your little gremlin generation here, I mean, honestly.
What are you ever going to leave the world? What will your legacy be? It won't be anything original, like us.
What did you leave? The lava lamp and the bean bag? Oh, a very little uptight person talking.
I don't want to loll around naked, painted dayglow, with a flower stuck in every orifice, humping the air to Jefferson Airplane.
It was the Grateful Dead, darling.
- How is it at school, darling? - I'm not at school anymore.
Aren't you? - No, I'm at the sixth form college.
- Oh, the sixth form college.
Is that a different place, darling? - A different part of the building.
- Oh, a different part of the building.
- This project you're doing, darling - Mum, don't get involved.
- I'm your mother, I'm interested.
- No, you're not, you're bored.
I want to know! It's a DNA project that we present at the open day as part of our term work.
All right? Open day? Open day, darling, is that what you said, at your sixth school form college? - Don't start.
- What day, darling? - You're not coming.
- I am.
- Mum, please don't.
- You have to let me, darling.
I don't want you there.
Oh Oh I see.
Oh, forget it.
Forget it.
I just can't quite bloody believe the way you bloody treat me sometimes.
I go out of my way to make life so bloody buggery wonderful, darling.
There isn't anything I wouldn't let you do, darling.
But, oh, no, I'm not allowed to come to bloody poly-wollege open day, am I? Hmm? Be nice to Mama, sweetie.
Hmm? Darling, think what I could do for you, sweetie.
I could get some T-shirts made, for the presentation.
With DLA Project on them, couldn't I, darling? Video screens? - Catering? What do you want? - Nothing.
I'll buy the Pollege a bloody swimming pool! You're not coming and that is an end to it.
- I am.
- You're not.
I want to come! I want to come! Right, sweetheart, I'm going to my isolation tank now.
I may be some time.
I could sink.
Not with your ballast.
Right.
I'm going upstairs to take some pills and I'm going to kill myself.
- Let me know how many.
- I will - So I don't call the ambulance too soon.
- Good thinking.
Sweetie If you don't let me come, I'll adopt a Romanian baby.
- I would.
- Mum, don't be so stupid.
No, I would, darling.
That would be nice, wouldn't it? I'll ask Patsy how you'd go about it, shall I? Shall I? - Forcing me to do this now, darling? - No.
Wonder what they look like, Romanians.
I'll ask Patsy, shall I? Oh, Danny, is Patsy there? Pats, darling, look, tell me, what do Romanians look like? Ivan Lendl Oh, that'll be nice.
- Thanks, Pats.
- Mum, you wouldn't dare.
- They're in desperate need, I hear.
- This is a really sick idea.
A little baby That would give me something to do, sweetie.
- They wouldn't let you.
- I could be like Mia Farrow.
I could have more than one.
I always regretted not getting a Vietnamese one.
But now I could have one in every colour, one in every room.
- It would last a day.
- What a selfish little person talking now.
- I wonder how you do go about it.
- You probably have to go to Romania.
Don't be stupid.
I'm sure they could send over a selection.
I'll ask Bubble, shall I? Get Bubble on to it, darling? - Mum, you're not going to do this.
- I am.
- Well, go on then.
Go on then.
- Huh? Bubble, if you've got a second, could you adopt me a Romanian baby? Oh, you could.
Oh, good.
No, just send over a selection and I'll pick one.
All right, thank you.
Happy? Huh? Huh? Be nice, wouldn't it, sweetie? Little baby.
# La, la, la, little baby.
Being a mummy again.
I'd like that.
Bubble, Bubble? What do you mean, she's not taking calls? Don't you dare put me on hold! Oh, shit Pats, Pats, emergency! - Where is she? - Where is the little tapeworm? You can't just walk in like that.
I might have to call security.
You'll be calling yourself an ambulance soon.
Where is she? - Let me smack her in the gob! - I'll do that in a minute.
Where is she? - She went to New York.
- Did she leave a number? Anything? I don't know.
She does everything.
Did she leave a Romanian number? A clue? Something? The Romanian deal went through and the merchandise is on its way.
Get out! It can't happen that quickly, can it, Pats? I mean, can it? I mean, shit.
I don't want any babies.
I didn't really want my own babies.
It was quite a nice idea at the time, but, Jesus They make you think about somebody else the whole bloody time.
- Nightmare, sweetie.
- I know.
Don't tell them I said that, darling.
I do sort of quite love them now.
- Of course you do.
- Yeah.
I don't want any more, darling.
I'll send them back.
I'll be able to send them back, sweetie, won't I? Sell them on.
Mark them up and sell them on.
- Oh, God Bloody office.
- Calm down, sweetie.
Come on in.
Throw a couple of these down you and everything will look much rosier, darling.
Oh, my God, there's something horrible on the stairs.
- It's me.
- I'm not blind.
- What are those pills? - Don't question me.
Darling, they're just hormones, so I can breastfeed the Romanians.
- I'm off.
See you tomorrow, darling.
- Ten o'clock at Mothercare, Pats.
- Mum, you can stop it now.
- Stop what, darling? You can stop pretending.
I don't believe for a second you'd go through with this adoption just to get at me.
So you can come to the presentation.
I don't mind.
All right, then.
- This is where we hug.
- Oh, sorry, sweetie.
- I mean, Romanian babies - I know.
Silly, isn't it? On two conditions: never embarrass me beyond what is obviously unavoidable.
- And don't get involved in the college.
- I don't want to.
Romanian babies - Do you want a car or something? - No.
No? All right.
- A little self-contained flat somewhere? - No.
I do love you, darling, you know that.
Despite what anyone like Patsy might say.
- Good night.
- Good night, sweetie.
Oh, shit! - Do you know where it is? - I think it's down here, dear.
Still no word from Bubble.
I'm really rather nervous.
Why? No one will look at you.
Something about the smell of schools.
You've probably forgotten the number of times I was summoned by your headmistress for your smoking or rudeness or truancy.
We weren't truant, were we, Pats? Believe me, I think I spent more time at your school in that last year than either one of you.
How much further is it? - Sexy smell, isn't it? - Pats! Takes you back.
Testosterone mixed with cheap perfume.
Biros and folders and your first condom, which you hide in your desk with your Lucky Strikes and your Dr White's.
- Fabulous days.
- Fabulous days, Eddy.
-There's Saffy.
- Hello, darling.
Look at Mum.
- Where's the show? - It's not a show, it's a presentation.
- I need a drink.
Where's the bar? - Darling, there isn't a bar.
- Is there? - No.
- What's the talk about, dear? - DNA.
Should that mean anything to me, dear? Oh, good, as long as I know.
- Saffron, is this your mother? - No, this is my gran.
- This is my mother.
- Oh, pleased to meet you.
The headmaster has asked me to round up a few parents to meet him.
We've got time before the presentation, if you'd like to come with me.
- Can I bring my friend? - Yes, of course.
Follow me.
Going to see the headmaster, sweetie.
Headmaster.
I've told him you're here.
He won't keep you a moment.
Thank you, Mr Johnson.
- Put that fag out.
- Why? I don't care.
It's only a college.
- What does he want to see us about? - It's you he wants to see, not me.
Can I help you? What are you doing here? - Just waiting to see Miss Dines.
- Take that cigarette out, Patricia Stone.
You disgusting little girl You two make me sick.
- Oh, God, I hate him! - Just stand here quietly, Pats.
- Here.
Go on! - No, I don't smoke - What does she want to see us about? - I don't know.
Don't you dare say anything about me and Tony.
You know who you look like? Cathy McGowan.
- Do I? - Really pretty, just like her.
- You look like Marianne Faithful - Do I? Come in, now.
! You dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting, revolting, devil children! They're the ones having it off, not me! - Patsy! - Tony? Edwina.
- Sherry? - Oh, wow, Tony! Hello, sweetie.
We're waiting for Mr Simms to do the introduction speech.
All right, then.
Do you want this? Sorry, sweetie.
Right, sorry to be delayed.
- Now, what is it you're giving us? - DNA.
DNA.
Well, take it away.
Upper 6J have been doing a variety of science-based projects this year, not all of them curriculum-based.
This term we've been looking at deoxyribonucleic acid, or DNA.
DNA is composed of two intertwined strands Sorry, may I interrupt? There's someone here to see a Mrs Edina Monsoon? Sorry, sweetie.
Just carry on, I don't mind.
Two intertwined strands, each consisting of a linear sequence of nucleotides.
Genes are the fundamental units of genetic information that corresponds to the sequence of nucleotides in a segment of DNA.
A typical gene consists of many hundreds of thousands of nucleotides of which only a few are shown here.
Daniel is now going to show how the genetic information on a specific sequence of nucleotides corresponds to the sequence of a portion of the amino acids in the polypeptide chain.
Mum, Mum Miss you too.
Shh This process is known as protein duplication.
- Right, that's it.
Get out! Just get out! - I didn't want them.
I cancelled them.
I cancelled them.
I didn't want them.
- I hope you'll come to all open days.
- I don't want to.
- And become an active PTA member.
- I don't want to.
I don't want to see the foundation of the general studies room.
Oh, God.
I don't want to see your bloody foundation.
Oh, no.
I'm blind.
I'm blind.
I'm dead.
I'm dead.
Oooh You're just having a little bad dream.
I must have knocked the lid shut.
- How long have I been in there, Pats? - About thirty seconds.
They're quite good then, aren't they? If you're the kind of girl who likes lying around in a warm puddle.
Hang on, I've just got to check something.
Bubble, listen, what is your job? - What's me what? - What is it you do, darling? I don't really know.
Nothing.
Get paid.
Good.
Yes, they're good, aren't they? I had to have it imported from L.
A.
- No one over here's got one.
- I heard Fergie had one.
No.
Oh, God, I have to get rid of it now.
- Morning, Saffron, sweetie.
- Morning.
- Danny here yet? - Danny who? I thought that bit was too good to be true.
- Mum? - Sweetie? You're not coming to the open day, are you? No.
I'll be too busy.
You know me, work, work, work.
- So, a bit of shopping this morning? - Can we go to Yamishi's new shop? - Have you seen it? - Gorgeous window.
Great huge swathe of white chiffon and terracotta pots.
- What does he sell?.
- Terracotta pots, white chiffon Maybe both, I don't know.
I have to fit in a high colonic and a body wax before then.
Let's go now and we can discuss Jane Fonda's tits on the way.
Shall we go? I hear she can wear them as Micky Mouse ears now.
- You want to hear a new joke, darling? - Oh, yeah.
- It's not in very good taste.
- No.
The thing is this You know Elizabeth Taylor.
I hear that she is the new ride at Disney World.