Accidentally on Purpose s01e04 Episode Script

Oh, yeah.
I assumed video figure skating would be physically hard.
I had no idea it would be this emotionally demanding.
Dude, why are you playing as a girl? Because when I spin around, my skirt comes up.
I'd like to see that.
You got a tight little cartoon butt.
You know, at first I wasn't really down with you moving in with Pregnant Lady.
I mean, this setup is so much better than my place.
No roaches, no mold It's a box.
Billie! Box! Oh, did you see that?! Did you see me stick that landing? Yeah.
You look good as a small Asian woman.
I think it's from your office.
Huh.
Oh, it's from James, my ex-boyfriend.
He sent my stuff back.
All the little reminders that I purposefully left at his house have now been returned to me.
Well, that's kind of a kick in the nuts.
That is the move of a true breakup master.
No CDs hitting you in the head, no chicks doing little chick punching.
Yep, this is definitely how I'm gonna break up with my first girlfriend.
Dude, enough.
All I'm saying is, if she was remotely good in bed, he would have delivered the box himself so he could hit that one more ti Ow! What the heck was that? My chick punch.
# I can't be anything without you.
# He mailed you the box? Oh, that is the work of a breakup master.
So I've heard.
Why did I date the breakup master? Why can't I meet the relationship master? Oh, n-n-n-no.
So did you open the box? No, it's too painful.
The only way I'd be able to do that is if I got plastered first, but I can't do that because, apparently, that's bad for the baby.
Mama loves you.
James.
Uh, yes, Bob, uh, I understand your point of view.
There's nothing in your ear.
I, uh, had a chip installed.
I got your lovely box.
So we're good? Great.
I'm just glad that douche is out of her life, with his car and his man-tan and his package delivery service.
Zack, you are right down the hall from her and you're a good guy and she's having your baby and bang just like that, he's married.
Come on, that-that is insane.
No, it's not.
Know why? 'Cause it happened to my cousin Earl.
Oh, I heard that dude was a playa.
Was.
You want to know what he plays with now? His kids.
Guys, guys, don't stress him out.
She's not going to try to marry him.
She's just going to mold him into a boring, funless drone whose sole purpose in life is to accompany her to the fabric store.
I mean, Shark Week? That's canceled.
Peeing in the sink? Finished.
I mean she's going to have your balls in a bear trap.
But other than that, you are all good.
Wonder if James is already dating someone else.
Maybe she needs the drawer.
She probably has a lot of stuff.
You guys are great.
It's going to be okay.
You know what? You're right, because in all romantic comedies, the heroine starts out in a very bad place.
Like in Ghost, Demi Moore's her fiancé was killed, or in 50 First Dates, Drew Barrymore had a head injury.
In Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts was a frickin' hooker.
The worse it is at the beginning, the happier the ending.
The gentleman over there sent you a drink.
Oh, my God.
Chills.
I had a terrible day, I got the box, but now I'm moving ahead and a guy sent me a drink which I can't have, but still Holy yes, Batman.
I'm going to unbutton this button and go over and thank him.
What?! No, put those away.
What if he asks you out? You're saying it wrong.
What if he asks you out? It's settled.
I'm going in.
Oh, look at her go.
She's giving him her number.
Hair toss, hair toss, and walk away and He asked me out.
Abby, get that snarl off your face and laugh like I just said something funny.
Are you at least going to tell him you're pregnant? At some point.
But if you don't shut up, I'm going to strangle you.
I would really like to see that.
What about Zack? Are you at least going to tell him you're going to start dating? Of course.
Now I am.
Do it with your top off.
I've delivered a lot of bad news that way.
I have got some bad news.
I, uh, slept with your best friend.
Phil, your iPod fell down the toilet.
They closed the Chili's next to the office.
Zack, do you have a minute? There comes a time in every pregnant woman's life when she has to ask herself would Zack be uncomfortable if I started dating people? Wow.
No.
I did not see that coming.
So you're okay with it? Yeah! Look at you, bouncing back from the box, and in a way I did not expect.
Well, look at you, dealing with this in a way I did not expect.
'Cause this is working like a well-oiled machine.
A baby-making but in a platonic relationship well-oiled machine.
So I've never dated a lawyer before.
You going to put me on the stand? I'll put you wherever you want.
Okay! I'm really glad I sent that drink over.
I'm having a great time.
Me, too.
So, John What if you were watching a movie - Mm-hmm.
about an incredibly handsome lawyer out on a date with a witty, effervescent movie critic - Mm-hmm.
and all of a sudden she says, "I'm pregnant"? You'd watch that, right? Are you pregnant? A teeny, tiny bit.
Were you pregnant when we met? Not as much.
So he reacted very badly to the fact that I was pregnant.
How badly? Well, he was so anxious to leave, he walked into a glass door.
Which was funny, but Zack is with a girl on my couch, and, apparently, she's telling him bad news, because her top is off.
Hello Hey.
Hey, I'm Heather.
I'm the hostess over at Zack's restaurant.
I sat you the other night.
Um, table 32.
Yes, yes.
I didn't recognize you without your name tag, which is normally on your top.
Zack, can I see you in the kitchen about some important kitchen topics? What's up? W- W-What are you doing? - I'm on a date.
- Dates happen outside the home.
When you have money.
Are you sure you're okay with this? Because you're not acting like half of a well-oiled machine.
I am.
What do you want me to do, help you get her pants off? Is that a real question? No.
Okay, okay, look, we'II, we'll just stay out of the living room.
- All right? - Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
I just need to know something.
Does it bother this girl at all that I'm about to have your baby? No.
That's what's so great about this.
She thinks it's cool I'm sticking around.
So thanks to you, I'm, like, a hero.
Glad I could help.
So how'd it go with the Ho-Ho-Hostess Cupcake? Did you get to the creamy center? Very subtle, dude.
Thank you.
Well, I took her back to my room and then You know how it's going to be the nursery with the bears on the wall? # Whoa, whoa.
# So you're saying the bears talked you out of it? Okay, first of all, I didn't say they talked.
And it was just that one bear.
The other one was kind of cool.
Weren't you listening? Did you eat one of those special brownies I left in the freezer? They're not in the freezer.
You're making them right now.
Excuse me, time and space police.
I don't know, man.
Everything in the nursery reminds me I'm going to be a dad, and what can I say? I just didn't want to do it in there.
So take her to your van.
I love having sex in your van.
Okay, how's this for my online dating profile? "Slightly pregnant woman seeks mate.
" For the record, I object to this whole thing, and - Hey, how about this one? - Okay.
"Single mother-to-be likes to dance"? Hey.
And I think any guy who would want to go out with a pregnant woman is going to be weird.
And you should listen to me, because I'm your sister.
And I'm the only one here in a mature, committed relationship.
However, I will say that headline is adorable.
Yay, and done.
And send it.
Hey, do you have a knife? Yeah.
'Cause apparently, not only is this box hard to open emotionally.
It's also hard to open physically.
Wow, that's a lot of knives.
They're my chef's knives.
Hmm.
What you doing? Looks like you're covering the bears.
Yeah.
You know those adult hotels that have those different rooms to have sex in? Like the jungle room and the heart-shaped room and the mirrored room? Well, none of them have the nursery room.
Well, at least you got some action.
All I got was a handshake and a "Good luck with that.
" Man, it's hard to date when you're having a baby.
Yeah, it sucks.
This is a weird conversation, huh? Well, it's the first time I've had it.
Ah, yes, got it.
Here's your knife.
It's a little gluey.
Yay.
Oh.
Want me to leave? No, please don't.
This box contains the memories of the most meaningful relationship I've ever had.
Yeah, well, just for the record, that guy's a giant douche.
And go.
And open the box.
See? That wasn't so bad.
Ah.
No, you're right.
Couple of earrings, half a deodorant.
Condoms? Oh, my minty floss.
Holy crap.
Sweet.
These aren't mine.
Douche.
Good morning.
Up or down? I'm going down.
So, when I got that box Here we go.
I was scared to open it, you know? Because I thought it was gonna bring up all of these emotions and regrets, like, maybe I made a huge mistake breaking up with you.
But then, surprise! Another woman's underwear! - Billie - I just want to know.
Did our relationship mean anything to you? Because if it did, you wouldn't have put another woman's underwear in my box.
Can I get a word in here? - Sure.
- Okay, first No, I changed my mind.
It doesn't matter.
'Cause you know what I should be doing? Thanking you.
Thanking you for saving me from a lifetime of finding other people's underwear in my boxes.
And for your information, I'm going on a date tonight.
With a man.
Another man.
A great man.
They're yours.
We bought them that day in Paris.
Mmm.
Okay.
How about these? Whatever.
I am how do you say tipsy? So, how are you? Still all handsome and stuff? What do you think of me? I mean, it didn't work out between us, but I would never intentionally hurt you.
You broke up with me.
I guess getting that stuff back just hit me harder than I realized.
Hey, you want your underwear? Sure.
So, awkward high-five? I hope this date turns out to be all you're looking for.
I have a good feeling about it.
So, about my Internet date.
Um, he's married.
And on top of that, his wife's pregnant, too, and we have the same doctor, and I asked him to leave.
Uh, just plop 'em both down here.
And bring some ketchup, too.
I don't want to say, "I told you so," but I told you, so good-bye.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! He ordered lobster and left, and you love this place.
Come down here.
I will take a pass on that.
Why? You love lobster.
Well, because, as I said earlier, I am in a healthy, mature relationship, and I am having sex with my husband right now.
Okay! All right! Then why did you answer the phone? Because I've entered several sweepstakes.
Oh! Okay.
Hi, James.
I feel bad about the elevator yelling.
And I'm at that place we love on Filmore.
My date ended early, for classy reasons, and I wanted to buy you a drink to thank you for buying me the underwear, which turned out to be surprisingly breathable.
Hey.
Hey! What are you doing here? I thought you were on a date.
I was.
How'd it go? This van is great! And no bears.
Anyway, Abby called, and she kept on saying, "Okay, all right," which was strange but whatever.
Um, I thought you might like some company.
Is the gentleman joining you? Yeah, okay.
So your date left early.
I got to tell you, there's a reason why Julia Roberts was never pregnant and single in any one of her movies.
Turns out, it's a lot harder to overcome than being a hooker.
Billie don't worry about it.
You are beautiful and you're funny, and you got a cool job, awesome TV, insurance.
Any guy would be lucky to have you.
Well, in a stunning reversal, this has now become a good night.
To more weird conversations and fewer boxes.
- And to you buying me a new knife.
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
It's destroyed.
- Hmm.
Thanks.
You got two desserts? Shut up.
Psst! Zack! How long am I supposed to wait in the van? This is some excellent food, Pregnant Lady.
That's just 'cause you're more baked than the food you're eating.
No.
No, you can tell.
This comes from a classy place.
You know, like the kind of place that puts ice in the urinals.
I love peeing on ice.
It's like having laser heat eyes, but with your pee.
Did I say that thing about my pee out loud, or just think it? You just thought it.
Wait a minute.
Then how do you know that I asked you that? Ask us what? Are we talking right now? Seriously, can anyone hear me?!