After Life (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Oh! [WHISPERING.]
Oh my god.
Oh, my I'm not even in the house.
- I'm fucking soaked.
- [TONY CACKLING.]
I'm not even in the house.
How long have you had that there? [TONY.]
About 40 minutes, right.
'Cause I was just waiting like a dog - at the window.
- [LISA.]
You prick.
I can't believe that I'm soaked! - [TONY.]
Ahh, tough day at work? - No.
Really easy day at work.
No.
Tough time the second I get into my own house.
Look at how happy you are.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Shadows settle On the place that you left Our minds are troubled by the emptiness Destroy the middle It's a waste of time - [WHISPERS.]
Good girl.
- From the perfect start To the finish line [BIRDS CHIRRUPING.]
- Are you goin' in there? - Yeah.
- Can you give that to him? - Yeah, course.
Ta.
- You're a friend of his are you? - Yeah.
[POSTMAN.]
Oh.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- All right? - Some post.
- Where d'you get that? - Postman gave it to me.
What? Oh, for f Should've made him put it through the letterbox.
I was walking along the side of the road 'cause there was no pavement.
I slipped down this steep bank and onto some rubbish big chunk of wood with, like, a nail, metal spike sticking out of it and went right on it.
Well, it just went right through me, right through me side, out me back.
There was blood everywhere.
It's a miracle I'm still alive 'cause the doctor said, because I'm so big, it just went straight through me and missed me vital organs.
- You know, just straight through the - Flab.
So, in a way, my fatness saved my life.
Not really.
If you'd have been thin, the spike would have missed you altogether, wouldn't it? You'd just be lying next to a spike.
Not a problem.
Hmm.
[CAMERA BEEPS.]
Cheers.
[PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
[TONY SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Good pictures.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Lisa's old room.
Ahh.
Hungry? Stupid question.
[SNICKERS QUIETLY.]
Thought you were gonna grab the back of my neck.
[TONY.]
Not yet.
[LENNY.]
Say you wanna use this photo here, you just take the file P100124.
jpg, and you just drag it across and pop it in the folder and it uploads.
[CRUNCHING LOUDLY.]
[MUFFLED.]
That's done.
And then check the next image.
Looks like P100125.
jpg.
You just click it, move it across, pop it in the folder.
- [LENNY CHEWING NOISILY.]
- Fuck me! Why do you wanna work here? - It's exciting.
- What is? Journalism.
- This isn't fucking journalism.
- You've gotta start somewhere.
Yeah, but if you start here, you'll end here.
Look at this.
[BRADEN.]
Not true, actually, no.
No, this is a great stepping stone, this place.
There was a guy who worked here a while ago, - went on to work for The Guardian.
- What was his name? - No, I can't remember his name.
- Oh, he made it big then? - The point is - [KATH.]
Bill Coombes.
Wasn't here long.
Was a bit grabby.
I do get that a lot though.
[KATH.]
He's a lorry driver now.
Since the court case.
I didn't know that.
But the point is, okay, you start here, then you go on to have a bright future in journalism.
There is no bright future in journalism.
By the time you're a features writer, there won't be newspapers as we know them because it'll just be a shit storm on the Internet.
People posting nasty, fucking hateful opinions that aren't even theirs 'cause their editor told them to, to get clickbait for fucking advertisers because the world is full of fuckin' morons.
It's awful.
It's an awful future.
Tell you what, misery guts.
This might cheer you up um Just been speaking to Jill, and we might've got you a date.
- For what? - For - Well, we know a lovely lady - Oh, a date? - Yeah.
- Forget it! Well, hang on.
She's also a widow.
So we'd have a lot in common? - I've told her all about you - Yeah? You told her I'm still married? - Well, no.
I mean - To your sister.
- [BRADEN.]
No.
- Have you forgotten that? Because I haven't.
I still know the deal.
I'm just getting on with stuff to keep you off my back until it's time.
Because when you see me, for one moment you think I look like I'm enjoying myself for a split second, know that in there I'm still fucking in pain and the moment's ruined 'cause I can't share it with her, okay? And I can't fucking wait to be with her.
Tony, that doesn't make sense.
You're a rational man.
You don't even believe in an afterlife.
I know.
She's nowhere, all right? But get this through your head I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without her, all right? Fucking hell.
Why can't you just leave me alone? Oh, God.
[TONY.]
I've been getting a bit of pressure to maybe start dating again.
I say "again.
" I've never dated.
I don't see the point.
I met someone, by chance, and she turned out to be perfect, and I can't see that ever happening again.
What about just - having fun? - It won't be fun.
Yeah, again, shit attitude, mate.
All this, [FEEBLE VOICE.]
"Oh, where's my soulmate?" I'm not even sure it's natural for us to have one mate for life.
It's pretty rare in most species, I've gotta tell you.
There is an Australian mouse.
Now, the male lives for a year, because as soon as it becomes an adult and it wants to mate, it goes out and mates with about a hundred females.
Literally, it gets the horn, and it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag everything that moves.
" [LAUGHS.]
And it does.
You know, there's no wooing, there's no "Are we compatible?" "Is she my soulmate?" There's none of that.
He's just on her, whether she likes it or not.
I mean, it's basically rape, yeah? But there's no silly outcry.
And then exhausted dead.
That's £68, please.
Any plans for the weekend? Gonna rape myself to death.
- [TONY.]
Hi.
- Hello.
- Where's the other one? - Which one? Scottish, mouthy.
Emma.
Do you want to speak to her? Err yeah, please.
Cheers.
You all right, Dad? - Did you wanna see me? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
What for? Doesn't matter, apparently.
- What doesn't matter? - Why I'm apologizing.
I'm apologizing for being an arsehole in general.
Oh right.
So are you apologizing for being an arsehole so far, or are you apologizing in advance? I think you do a great job with my dad, and I don't spend enough time with him.
[EMMA.]
All right.
Fine.
I wouldn't worry about your dad.
Cheers.
[EMMA.]
Yeah about your dad.
You upset quite a few people today, didn't you, Ray? How? Well, he told Ireney Tindall that he'd like to do her from behind.
[SNICKERS.]
Why from behind? - I don't really think that's the issue.
- No, sure - Ugly.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh right.
And he accused Charlie Willis of sucking off Elton John.
[SNICKERING.]
How old's Charlie Willis? Eighty nine.
[LAUGHS.]
Dirty bastard.
- Anything else? Please say yes.
- Oh, yeah.
He told Winston Freeman that he has the cock of a Chinaman.
[LAUGHING.]
How do you know what a Chinaman's co You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.
- [EMMA LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.]
- [TONY SNICKERING.]
- Ahh.
- [EMMA CONTINUES LAUGHING.]
- Oh.
- Oh.
[EMMA CHUCKLING.]
That's cheered me up.
Tough day at work? I Some of the guys are trying to get me to go on a date.
Mmm.
Well, you should probably go on a date, then.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- Right, I'd better get back to work.
- Oh, okay.
- [EMMA.]
All right, bye.
- Cheers.
[EMMA.]
All right, Ireney? Here she is.
Get in here, you dirty cow.
My brother-in-law wants me to try dating again.
Oh, excellent.
You need some tips.
Why would I need some tips? Well, I imagine you're awful with women.
Yeah? She's having a go, Stan.
Well, all men are awful, but grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.
Oh, all right.
Let me take notes.
This is dynamite.
Go on.
Well, go on.
What are you going to say to her? I'll be your date.
What, role-play? If you like.
Hi, I'm Tony.
I don't wanna appear ageist, - but are those your own teeth? - [LAUGHING.]
That's probably a bad start, is it, getting hit? No.
It's good.
You made me laugh, but I'm assuming that your date isn't as old as me.
Fuckin' hope not.
Swearing.
Be serious! I can't.
I I'd just be honest.
Tell her my situation, tell her what I'm going through, be honest up front, and So just all about you, then? What? I can't win, can I? I don't wanna date again.
I don't wanna live without Lisa.
But it's not just all about you, is it? That's what I'm saying.
What if a nice date made her feel good? That might feel nice, right? We're not just here for us, we're here for others.
I don't do the whole God thing, I'm afraid.
[ANNE.]
No, neither do I.
Load of rubbish.
All we've got is each other.
We've got to help each other struggle through till we die, and then we're done.
No point in feeling sorry for ourselves and making everyone else unhappy, too.
Might as well top yourself if you feel like that.
Are you sure you wanna work for the Samaritans? All I'm saying is that I think that deep down, that you still think life's worth living.
It's nowhere near over for you.
You're in pain.
But the thing you lost is the same thing that can stop that pain.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- [BRADEN.]
I'm sorry.
- It's fine, seriously.
No, it's I I shouldn't have I'll I'll do the date.
Really? Great.
Well, I'll call her and book a restaurant.
Indian okay? Yeah.
I don't care what she is.
No, I meant food.
Oh Err No, Italian'd be best.
Soak up the alcohol.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll book that.
[BRADEN.]
Great.
So, what are you gonna wear? - Why? - Well, first impressions are important.
I mean, look at me and June.
She'd noticed my style before my personality.
I don't care about first impre I don't care about any impression, do I? If you want any help, I could give you tips.
He's had a girlfriend for about a minute and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.
And why do people think I need tips with women? Tips on style.
[TONY.]
Tips on style? From you? - Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Go on.
- [LENNY.]
Okay.
Lunch or dinner? - What difference does that make? Well, for dinner, she might wear a ball gown, in which case you'll wanna wear a dress suit.
But for lunch, you'll probably get away with blazer and slacks? - Slacks? - Are you from the 1940s? - No need to wear a suit.
- I won't.
- Smart jeans, nice shirt.
- Exactly, yeah.
Have you got smart jeans and a nice shirt? - Err - [LENNY.]
Hm.
I'll take you shopping, if you like.
But remember, black is slimming.
Can't work miracles though, can it? Cheers, thank you.
[WEAKLY.]
I don't need to go shopping.
- [SANDY.]
Come on.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Ah.
It's embarrassing.
No, it's not.
It is.
A grown man being told what to wear.
- Go in here.
- [DANCE MUSIC FROM SHOP.]
- Fuck off.
- [SANDY LAUGHS.]
[TONY GROANS.]
- [TONY, SHOUTING.]
Do you take requests? - What? Have you got any Bee Gees? [MUSIC GETS QUIETER.]
- What do you mean? - Oh, sorry, I thought this was a disco.
He's very old.
Are you two together? - No.
- No, I was gonna say Got one of these in 42 chest? [CHUCKLES.]
- Be nice.
- Yeah.
[SANDY CHUCKLES.]
It's not a waste of time, you working here.
It is a good stepping stone, and you can go on and do anything you want.
I didn't 'cause I didn't want to.
I didn't do overtime, try and get promoted, or get a better job in a different town.
I just I just wanted to get home every night spend every available minute I could with Lisa.
And I made the right decision.
That's so lovely.
Don't cry.
Not in front of your new boyfriend.
- [CURTAIN SWISHES.]
- Here he comes.
Hi.
It just won't look as good in this size.
[TONY.]
I could see the look of disappointment when I went in his shop.
- Hello.
- [TONY.]
You all right? Yeah.
This is Sandy, who works for me.
- Hello, Sandy.
- Hello.
- [TONY.]
This is - Nice to meet you.
Daphne, who's a cleaner, my cleaner.
Yeah.
I'm his cleaner.
Err Not his friend or anything with a job he's embarrassed about on my behalf.
Anyway, I was just on my way to your house to do some cleaning, and I forgot my keys, so it's lucky we ran into each other.
But he's just gonna give me his 'cause I'm his cleaner.
- It's not a problem, is it? - No.
Trust your cleaner.
Give your keys to your cleaner.
It's not like giving them to a prostitute, is it? - See you later! - Hope so.
You all right, George? [DOOR SHUTS, KEYS JANGLE.]
You left the keys in the door.
- Did I? - Yeah.
That's amazing.
Can't believe you've done all this.
I can't believe you gave me your keys.
I didn't wanna back down.
I know.
How much do I owe you? Nothing.
Just wanted to see if you trusted me.
Sorry about the whole saying you're my cleaner.
I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.
Sex worker.
And only 'cause people prejudge you when you say that, and I don't wanna scare the new girl.
"This is my friend, she's a prostitute.
" - Sex worker.
- Right.
No worries.
D'you want a coffee? No, I've just had one.
Actually, I've got to be going.
You sure I can't give you anything for this? No, it's my pleasure.
Not everyone is out to get you, Tony.
Most people are all right.
They're just having a bad day.
Sometimes they don't think, they get caught up.
They're just trying to survive.
Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes it's just no one's fault.
Cheers.
Right, shoes on.
See you later, mate.
See you later.
[QUIETLY.]
Good girl.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [CUTLERY CLATTERING.]
- [SIGHS.]
[BUTTONS CLICKING.]
Uh-uh-uh.
Good.
I should say from the off, I didn't want to do this, but Matt said you're a widow, too, and, you know, absolutely nothing, apart from eating, could ever come of this because I'm still attached to my wife, and I'm just being honest.
Is this your way of saying we're gonna split the bill? Erm, champagne.
Definitely splitting the bill.
Whiskey, please.
- [WAITER.]
Any particular sort? - Large.
Oh, discerning.
You know what? It's a mouthful of painkiller.
This is good schtick.
You know, dark and down.
But you're obviously not really suicidal.
It's just bullshit.
Right, that's where you're wrong.
[WOMAN.]
No, I know the story.
But seriously though, how hard is suicide? My husband did it.
Threw himself off Beachy Head, hit the rocks, skull exploded.
Poof! Efficient.
He was shit at everything else, but gotta give him his due.
He really knew what he was doing when it came to suicide.
- Wow.
- Wow indeed.
And no, I'm not grieving.
He was a cunt.
Well, I'm sure you gave as good as you got.
- Oh, I did.
- Oh, I believe you.
Why are you so sarcastic all the time? 'Cause it stops me killing people, including myself.
- Gotta do what you've gotta do.
- You have, indeed and I nearly took some pills.
You nearly took some pills? Jesus Christ.
- What is wrong with you? - No, what is wrong with you? Why couldn't you go through with it? Because I had to look after my dog.
- That's an excuse.
- It's not an excuse.
It's a reason.
Because I realized that my wife was probably the only human being I actually liked, and my dog is second.
Well, maybe I could come third.
Yeah, good luck.
No, but I do get it.
Some people just feel more comfortable around animals than they do around people.
I'm comfortable around humans.
I just think animals are better.
That's because you're hurt and you've lost someone and you think no one compares.
Mmm.
No one does compare.
- No offense.
- No, none taken.
And the reason animals are better than people is because they just get on with it.
- They don't whinge all the time - Unlike you.
What d'you mean? We haven't stopped whinging since we got here.
No offense.
[CUTLERY TINKLING.]
- Well, this is nice.
- Mmm.
- Cheers, thanks.
- Cheers.
- Can I tell you about the specials? - [TOGETHER, SIGHING.]
No.
Fuckin' hell.
[DOG BARKING.]
[ENGINE ROARING.]
[ENGINE GETTING LOUDER.]
Good.
- [BIKER.]
Fuckin' let go! - [GIRL.]
Fuck off! [ENGINE ROARING.]
- [BIKER GROANS.]
- [METALLIC CLANK.]
[BIKER.]
Cunt! - Well, that was really silly.
- Why? Well, they could have had some acid or stabbed you or something.
Told you - I don't care.
- What if they'd stabbed me? [SNICKERS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Oh, cheers.
- Pleasure.
Me again.
This must be why they call it a habit.
- Yep.
- Yep.
[TONY.]
You know I know how you feel? Okay, try imagining if everyone you told about your wife dying just thought it was their own fault.
What d'you mean? Well, Mel was an addict, wasn't she? She injected herself, so you know, most people just think it was her fault.
Don't feel the same sympathy for me or for her.
I mean Every minute of every day that I have my wits about me, all I can think about is getting some gear before I become too fucking conscious.
When I was with Lisa, we'd sort of get home, open a bottle of wine and go, "Yay! Just us.
Let's party.
" And by "party," I mean sit here like this, with the dog, watching telly, or listening to music, or just talking.
Just, the more we talked, the more we drank.
We didn't want the night to end.
Now I drink 'cause I want the night to end.
It's like I'm already dead inside, and yet I'm still in the worst kind of pain.
Well as long as we're having fun.
[SNORTS.]
I still can't believe we've got so much in common.
We don't have anything in common.
Why do you say that, though? Well the big difference is you haven't given up yet, have you? I mean, me, I would quite happily die right now.
If I had enough money, I would just take as many drugs as I possibly could.
[TONY SIGHS.]
Don't waste it on food.
Shadows settle on the place that you left Our minds are troubled by the emptiness Destroy the middle It's a waste of time From the perfect start To the finish line And if you're still breathing You're the lucky ones 'Cause most of us are heaving Setting fire to our insides for fun Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home It was a flood that wrecked this home And you caused it And you caused it And you caused it Well I've lost it all I'm just a silhouette I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget My eyes are damp from the words you left Ringing in my head When you broke my chest Ringing in my head When you broke my chest And if you're in love Then you are the lucky one
Oh! [WHISPERING.]
Oh my god.
Oh, my I'm not even in the house.
- I'm fucking soaked.
- [TONY CACKLING.]
I'm not even in the house.
How long have you had that there? [TONY.]
About 40 minutes, right.
'Cause I was just waiting like a dog - at the window.
- [LISA.]
You prick.
I can't believe that I'm soaked! - [TONY.]
Ahh, tough day at work? - No.
Really easy day at work.
No.
Tough time the second I get into my own house.
Look at how happy you are.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Shadows settle On the place that you left Our minds are troubled by the emptiness Destroy the middle It's a waste of time - [WHISPERS.]
Good girl.
- From the perfect start To the finish line [BIRDS CHIRRUPING.]
- Are you goin' in there? - Yeah.
- Can you give that to him? - Yeah, course.
Ta.
- You're a friend of his are you? - Yeah.
[POSTMAN.]
Oh.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
- All right? - Some post.
- Where d'you get that? - Postman gave it to me.
What? Oh, for f Should've made him put it through the letterbox.
I was walking along the side of the road 'cause there was no pavement.
I slipped down this steep bank and onto some rubbish big chunk of wood with, like, a nail, metal spike sticking out of it and went right on it.
Well, it just went right through me, right through me side, out me back.
There was blood everywhere.
It's a miracle I'm still alive 'cause the doctor said, because I'm so big, it just went straight through me and missed me vital organs.
- You know, just straight through the - Flab.
So, in a way, my fatness saved my life.
Not really.
If you'd have been thin, the spike would have missed you altogether, wouldn't it? You'd just be lying next to a spike.
Not a problem.
Hmm.
[CAMERA BEEPS.]
Cheers.
[PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE.]
[TONY SIGHS DEEPLY.]
Good pictures.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Lisa's old room.
Ahh.
Hungry? Stupid question.
[SNICKERS QUIETLY.]
Thought you were gonna grab the back of my neck.
[TONY.]
Not yet.
[LENNY.]
Say you wanna use this photo here, you just take the file P100124.
jpg, and you just drag it across and pop it in the folder and it uploads.
[CRUNCHING LOUDLY.]
[MUFFLED.]
That's done.
And then check the next image.
Looks like P100125.
jpg.
You just click it, move it across, pop it in the folder.
- [LENNY CHEWING NOISILY.]
- Fuck me! Why do you wanna work here? - It's exciting.
- What is? Journalism.
- This isn't fucking journalism.
- You've gotta start somewhere.
Yeah, but if you start here, you'll end here.
Look at this.
[BRADEN.]
Not true, actually, no.
No, this is a great stepping stone, this place.
There was a guy who worked here a while ago, - went on to work for The Guardian.
- What was his name? - No, I can't remember his name.
- Oh, he made it big then? - The point is - [KATH.]
Bill Coombes.
Wasn't here long.
Was a bit grabby.
I do get that a lot though.
[KATH.]
He's a lorry driver now.
Since the court case.
I didn't know that.
But the point is, okay, you start here, then you go on to have a bright future in journalism.
There is no bright future in journalism.
By the time you're a features writer, there won't be newspapers as we know them because it'll just be a shit storm on the Internet.
People posting nasty, fucking hateful opinions that aren't even theirs 'cause their editor told them to, to get clickbait for fucking advertisers because the world is full of fuckin' morons.
It's awful.
It's an awful future.
Tell you what, misery guts.
This might cheer you up um Just been speaking to Jill, and we might've got you a date.
- For what? - For - Well, we know a lovely lady - Oh, a date? - Yeah.
- Forget it! Well, hang on.
She's also a widow.
So we'd have a lot in common? - I've told her all about you - Yeah? You told her I'm still married? - Well, no.
I mean - To your sister.
- [BRADEN.]
No.
- Have you forgotten that? Because I haven't.
I still know the deal.
I'm just getting on with stuff to keep you off my back until it's time.
Because when you see me, for one moment you think I look like I'm enjoying myself for a split second, know that in there I'm still fucking in pain and the moment's ruined 'cause I can't share it with her, okay? And I can't fucking wait to be with her.
Tony, that doesn't make sense.
You're a rational man.
You don't even believe in an afterlife.
I know.
She's nowhere, all right? But get this through your head I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without her, all right? Fucking hell.
Why can't you just leave me alone? Oh, God.
[TONY.]
I've been getting a bit of pressure to maybe start dating again.
I say "again.
" I've never dated.
I don't see the point.
I met someone, by chance, and she turned out to be perfect, and I can't see that ever happening again.
What about just - having fun? - It won't be fun.
Yeah, again, shit attitude, mate.
All this, [FEEBLE VOICE.]
"Oh, where's my soulmate?" I'm not even sure it's natural for us to have one mate for life.
It's pretty rare in most species, I've gotta tell you.
There is an Australian mouse.
Now, the male lives for a year, because as soon as it becomes an adult and it wants to mate, it goes out and mates with about a hundred females.
Literally, it gets the horn, and it thinks, "Right, I'm gonna shag everything that moves.
" [LAUGHS.]
And it does.
You know, there's no wooing, there's no "Are we compatible?" "Is she my soulmate?" There's none of that.
He's just on her, whether she likes it or not.
I mean, it's basically rape, yeah? But there's no silly outcry.
And then exhausted dead.
That's £68, please.
Any plans for the weekend? Gonna rape myself to death.
- [TONY.]
Hi.
- Hello.
- Where's the other one? - Which one? Scottish, mouthy.
Emma.
Do you want to speak to her? Err yeah, please.
Cheers.
You all right, Dad? - Did you wanna see me? - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
What for? Doesn't matter, apparently.
- What doesn't matter? - Why I'm apologizing.
I'm apologizing for being an arsehole in general.
Oh right.
So are you apologizing for being an arsehole so far, or are you apologizing in advance? I think you do a great job with my dad, and I don't spend enough time with him.
[EMMA.]
All right.
Fine.
I wouldn't worry about your dad.
Cheers.
[EMMA.]
Yeah about your dad.
You upset quite a few people today, didn't you, Ray? How? Well, he told Ireney Tindall that he'd like to do her from behind.
[SNICKERS.]
Why from behind? - I don't really think that's the issue.
- No, sure - Ugly.
- [CHUCKLING.]
Oh right.
And he accused Charlie Willis of sucking off Elton John.
[SNICKERING.]
How old's Charlie Willis? Eighty nine.
[LAUGHS.]
Dirty bastard.
- Anything else? Please say yes.
- Oh, yeah.
He told Winston Freeman that he has the cock of a Chinaman.
[LAUGHING.]
How do you know what a Chinaman's co You shouldn't even say Chinaman, Dad.
- [EMMA LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.]
- [TONY SNICKERING.]
- Ahh.
- [EMMA CONTINUES LAUGHING.]
- Oh.
- Oh.
[EMMA CHUCKLING.]
That's cheered me up.
Tough day at work? I Some of the guys are trying to get me to go on a date.
Mmm.
Well, you should probably go on a date, then.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
- Right, I'd better get back to work.
- Oh, okay.
- [EMMA.]
All right, bye.
- Cheers.
[EMMA.]
All right, Ireney? Here she is.
Get in here, you dirty cow.
My brother-in-law wants me to try dating again.
Oh, excellent.
You need some tips.
Why would I need some tips? Well, I imagine you're awful with women.
Yeah? She's having a go, Stan.
Well, all men are awful, but grumpy, selfish ones are the worst.
Oh, all right.
Let me take notes.
This is dynamite.
Go on.
Well, go on.
What are you going to say to her? I'll be your date.
What, role-play? If you like.
Hi, I'm Tony.
I don't wanna appear ageist, - but are those your own teeth? - [LAUGHING.]
That's probably a bad start, is it, getting hit? No.
It's good.
You made me laugh, but I'm assuming that your date isn't as old as me.
Fuckin' hope not.
Swearing.
Be serious! I can't.
I I'd just be honest.
Tell her my situation, tell her what I'm going through, be honest up front, and So just all about you, then? What? I can't win, can I? I don't wanna date again.
I don't wanna live without Lisa.
But it's not just all about you, is it? That's what I'm saying.
What if a nice date made her feel good? That might feel nice, right? We're not just here for us, we're here for others.
I don't do the whole God thing, I'm afraid.
[ANNE.]
No, neither do I.
Load of rubbish.
All we've got is each other.
We've got to help each other struggle through till we die, and then we're done.
No point in feeling sorry for ourselves and making everyone else unhappy, too.
Might as well top yourself if you feel like that.
Are you sure you wanna work for the Samaritans? All I'm saying is that I think that deep down, that you still think life's worth living.
It's nowhere near over for you.
You're in pain.
But the thing you lost is the same thing that can stop that pain.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
- [BRADEN.]
I'm sorry.
- It's fine, seriously.
No, it's I I shouldn't have I'll I'll do the date.
Really? Great.
Well, I'll call her and book a restaurant.
Indian okay? Yeah.
I don't care what she is.
No, I meant food.
Oh Err No, Italian'd be best.
Soak up the alcohol.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll book that.
[BRADEN.]
Great.
So, what are you gonna wear? - Why? - Well, first impressions are important.
I mean, look at me and June.
She'd noticed my style before my personality.
I don't care about first impre I don't care about any impression, do I? If you want any help, I could give you tips.
He's had a girlfriend for about a minute and he thinks he's Bryan fucking Ferry.
And why do people think I need tips with women? Tips on style.
[TONY.]
Tips on style? From you? - Yeah.
- [TONY.]
Go on.
- [LENNY.]
Okay.
Lunch or dinner? - What difference does that make? Well, for dinner, she might wear a ball gown, in which case you'll wanna wear a dress suit.
But for lunch, you'll probably get away with blazer and slacks? - Slacks? - Are you from the 1940s? - No need to wear a suit.
- I won't.
- Smart jeans, nice shirt.
- Exactly, yeah.
Have you got smart jeans and a nice shirt? - Err - [LENNY.]
Hm.
I'll take you shopping, if you like.
But remember, black is slimming.
Can't work miracles though, can it? Cheers, thank you.
[WEAKLY.]
I don't need to go shopping.
- [SANDY.]
Come on.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Ah.
It's embarrassing.
No, it's not.
It is.
A grown man being told what to wear.
- Go in here.
- [DANCE MUSIC FROM SHOP.]
- Fuck off.
- [SANDY LAUGHS.]
[TONY GROANS.]
- [TONY, SHOUTING.]
Do you take requests? - What? Have you got any Bee Gees? [MUSIC GETS QUIETER.]
- What do you mean? - Oh, sorry, I thought this was a disco.
He's very old.
Are you two together? - No.
- No, I was gonna say Got one of these in 42 chest? [CHUCKLES.]
- Be nice.
- Yeah.
[SANDY CHUCKLES.]
It's not a waste of time, you working here.
It is a good stepping stone, and you can go on and do anything you want.
I didn't 'cause I didn't want to.
I didn't do overtime, try and get promoted, or get a better job in a different town.
I just I just wanted to get home every night spend every available minute I could with Lisa.
And I made the right decision.
That's so lovely.
Don't cry.
Not in front of your new boyfriend.
- [CURTAIN SWISHES.]
- Here he comes.
Hi.
It just won't look as good in this size.
[TONY.]
I could see the look of disappointment when I went in his shop.
- Hello.
- [TONY.]
You all right? Yeah.
This is Sandy, who works for me.
- Hello, Sandy.
- Hello.
- [TONY.]
This is - Nice to meet you.
Daphne, who's a cleaner, my cleaner.
Yeah.
I'm his cleaner.
Err Not his friend or anything with a job he's embarrassed about on my behalf.
Anyway, I was just on my way to your house to do some cleaning, and I forgot my keys, so it's lucky we ran into each other.
But he's just gonna give me his 'cause I'm his cleaner.
- It's not a problem, is it? - No.
Trust your cleaner.
Give your keys to your cleaner.
It's not like giving them to a prostitute, is it? - See you later! - Hope so.
You all right, George? [DOOR SHUTS, KEYS JANGLE.]
You left the keys in the door.
- Did I? - Yeah.
That's amazing.
Can't believe you've done all this.
I can't believe you gave me your keys.
I didn't wanna back down.
I know.
How much do I owe you? Nothing.
Just wanted to see if you trusted me.
Sorry about the whole saying you're my cleaner.
I thought you'd prefer it to prostitute.
Sex worker.
And only 'cause people prejudge you when you say that, and I don't wanna scare the new girl.
"This is my friend, she's a prostitute.
" - Sex worker.
- Right.
No worries.
D'you want a coffee? No, I've just had one.
Actually, I've got to be going.
You sure I can't give you anything for this? No, it's my pleasure.
Not everyone is out to get you, Tony.
Most people are all right.
They're just having a bad day.
Sometimes they don't think, they get caught up.
They're just trying to survive.
Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes it's just no one's fault.
Cheers.
Right, shoes on.
See you later, mate.
See you later.
[QUIETLY.]
Good girl.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
- [CUTLERY CLATTERING.]
- [SIGHS.]
[BUTTONS CLICKING.]
Uh-uh-uh.
Good.
I should say from the off, I didn't want to do this, but Matt said you're a widow, too, and, you know, absolutely nothing, apart from eating, could ever come of this because I'm still attached to my wife, and I'm just being honest.
Is this your way of saying we're gonna split the bill? Erm, champagne.
Definitely splitting the bill.
Whiskey, please.
- [WAITER.]
Any particular sort? - Large.
Oh, discerning.
You know what? It's a mouthful of painkiller.
This is good schtick.
You know, dark and down.
But you're obviously not really suicidal.
It's just bullshit.
Right, that's where you're wrong.
[WOMAN.]
No, I know the story.
But seriously though, how hard is suicide? My husband did it.
Threw himself off Beachy Head, hit the rocks, skull exploded.
Poof! Efficient.
He was shit at everything else, but gotta give him his due.
He really knew what he was doing when it came to suicide.
- Wow.
- Wow indeed.
And no, I'm not grieving.
He was a cunt.
Well, I'm sure you gave as good as you got.
- Oh, I did.
- Oh, I believe you.
Why are you so sarcastic all the time? 'Cause it stops me killing people, including myself.
- Gotta do what you've gotta do.
- You have, indeed and I nearly took some pills.
You nearly took some pills? Jesus Christ.
- What is wrong with you? - No, what is wrong with you? Why couldn't you go through with it? Because I had to look after my dog.
- That's an excuse.
- It's not an excuse.
It's a reason.
Because I realized that my wife was probably the only human being I actually liked, and my dog is second.
Well, maybe I could come third.
Yeah, good luck.
No, but I do get it.
Some people just feel more comfortable around animals than they do around people.
I'm comfortable around humans.
I just think animals are better.
That's because you're hurt and you've lost someone and you think no one compares.
Mmm.
No one does compare.
- No offense.
- No, none taken.
And the reason animals are better than people is because they just get on with it.
- They don't whinge all the time - Unlike you.
What d'you mean? We haven't stopped whinging since we got here.
No offense.
[CUTLERY TINKLING.]
- Well, this is nice.
- Mmm.
- Cheers, thanks.
- Cheers.
- Can I tell you about the specials? - [TOGETHER, SIGHING.]
No.
Fuckin' hell.
[DOG BARKING.]
[ENGINE ROARING.]
[ENGINE GETTING LOUDER.]
Good.
- [BIKER.]
Fuckin' let go! - [GIRL.]
Fuck off! [ENGINE ROARING.]
- [BIKER GROANS.]
- [METALLIC CLANK.]
[BIKER.]
Cunt! - Well, that was really silly.
- Why? Well, they could have had some acid or stabbed you or something.
Told you - I don't care.
- What if they'd stabbed me? [SNICKERS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Oh, cheers.
- Pleasure.
Me again.
This must be why they call it a habit.
- Yep.
- Yep.
[TONY.]
You know I know how you feel? Okay, try imagining if everyone you told about your wife dying just thought it was their own fault.
What d'you mean? Well, Mel was an addict, wasn't she? She injected herself, so you know, most people just think it was her fault.
Don't feel the same sympathy for me or for her.
I mean Every minute of every day that I have my wits about me, all I can think about is getting some gear before I become too fucking conscious.
When I was with Lisa, we'd sort of get home, open a bottle of wine and go, "Yay! Just us.
Let's party.
" And by "party," I mean sit here like this, with the dog, watching telly, or listening to music, or just talking.
Just, the more we talked, the more we drank.
We didn't want the night to end.
Now I drink 'cause I want the night to end.
It's like I'm already dead inside, and yet I'm still in the worst kind of pain.
Well as long as we're having fun.
[SNORTS.]
I still can't believe we've got so much in common.
We don't have anything in common.
Why do you say that, though? Well the big difference is you haven't given up yet, have you? I mean, me, I would quite happily die right now.
If I had enough money, I would just take as many drugs as I possibly could.
[TONY SIGHS.]
Don't waste it on food.
Shadows settle on the place that you left Our minds are troubled by the emptiness Destroy the middle It's a waste of time From the perfect start To the finish line And if you're still breathing You're the lucky ones 'Cause most of us are heaving Setting fire to our insides for fun Collecting pictures from a flood that wrecked our home It was a flood that wrecked this home And you caused it And you caused it And you caused it Well I've lost it all I'm just a silhouette I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget My eyes are damp from the words you left Ringing in my head When you broke my chest Ringing in my head When you broke my chest And if you're in love Then you are the lucky one