ALF s01e04 Episode Script

[ Tv .]
okay, the phone lines are open.
Today's topic-- Nuclear arms limitation.
Our guests-- Undersecretary simon dryden and sammy davis jr.
Hi, you're on the air.
Hello, larry alf.
Yes, alf, how are you? Fine, larry, how's the sore knee? Coming along.
Sammyshalom.
So, what's up? I've got the solution to this nuclear bomb thing.
Let's hear it.
Get rid of them.
They're dangerous.
Mr.
Dryden your response? I think what you've done, mr.
Alf, Is oversimplify the problem, somewhat Here it comes, brian.
Better get the shovel.
Mom Alf is on the phone again.
It keeps him out of the kitchen.
Where's your father? I need to use the phone.
In a minute, dear.
Alf, would you turn that down? Sorry, larry, just some static.
Honey, where have you been? Sorry i'm so late.
Daddy, i have to get my own phone.
Fine, thank you, and you? Hi, "b" and "a" "W"! Why didn't you call? I tried to call.
Somebody's been on the phone! Cut me a break! I'm trying to save your planet from nuclear devastation.
Then, go right ahead.
just a domestic spat, larry.
This is totally unfair.
We'll look into call waiting, okay? I need my own phone line.
Kathy mcdermott has one.
Her family doesn't even have an alien.
Would they like one? ** The food came.
Let's eat out here have a little chat.
I'd like that.
What happened here? That's twice-Cooked pork.
Looks like twice-Eaten pork.
Alf, i'm not sure i had your full attention Hate to interrupt, but hand me a screwdriver.
Phillips.
Okay.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You know, we all have to do our part to get along.
You see, a family is like Pliers.
Yes, or a crescent wrench.
Each one adjusting to each situation Hand me the pliers! Yeah, sure.
Here's what i'm trying to say-- Go for it.
It's a question of respect; Cooperation, of course; And courtesy.
The 3 c's-- Cooperation, courtesy, And respect.
Well, 2 c's and an r.
You see what i mean, huh? Absolutely! Hold this wire while i turn on the juice.
You know, that's my short wave Radio! Do you know how long i? Long.
It took me 10 years to put that thing together.
I'm glad you haven't wasted your life.
First the phone now, the radio.
What about the phone? You're on it all the time.
Operators are standing by.
I've got calls to make.
It's got to stop.
First, i can't use the radio.
Now, i can't use the phone.
What next? Your toothbrush? You use my toothbrush? The green one, right? It was.
What's the big deal? I'll use kate's.
You're not using anybody's toothbrush.
Okay, no toothbrush.
What about the radio? Just don't put it in your mouth.
Thanks, i'll be through in a minute-- Soon as i contact "air force one.
" The president's plane? No, you can't do that.
It's my duty.
I've been through one nuclear disaster, already.
It's no picnic.
Nuclear?That's how your planet exploded? No, we all plugged our hair driers in at the same time.
Even if you could figure out how to call the president, You'd never get through because that signal's scrambled.
So? It's illegal to break a scrambled signal And immoral.
What about you and tootsie? I beg your pardon? Last week, we watched "tootsie" on hbo.
- Isn't hbo scrambled? - Well, yes, but But what?Since you don't pay for hbo, Isn't that illegal; immoral? Absolutely not.
They gave us a free trial, And forgot to unhook it.
Just put the radio back together.
No problem.
Are you going to eat this food? No, but leave it.
I'd like to see what it does when it wakes up.
[ Presidential music .]
[ Buzz .]
Air force one, hogarth speaking.
How may i help you, sir or madam, As the case may be Alf? Alf who? Mr.
Defoe Not now, i'm winning.
It's someone called alf to talk to the president.
Alf who? All he said was "alf"a-L-F.
A-L-F? Maybe that's a radical, subversive, commie, pinko group.
Could be a family name.
- Just look it up.
- Looking, sir.
- Trace the call.
- Tracing, sir.
- Punch the speaker.
- Punching, sir.
Hello, can i help you? Mr.
President? This is mr.
Defoe.
The president's not available.
It's an airplane.
How far can he be? He's indisposed.
What does that mean? He can't come to the phone.
Why not? He's in the bathroom.
Oh, he's indisposed.
What do you want? It's about the bombs.
Bombs, sir? What bombs? The bombs we're thinking about using.
Tell the president i'm serious, and time is running out.
I'd like to settle this, before anybody pushes any buttons.
What have you got on the a.
L.
F.
? We've got the american laundry federation And the association of lawn fertilizers.
Round them up? The trace is complete, sir.
Mister-- About those bombs Shall i interpret this to be a threat? Of course it's a threat.
What kind of question is that? That's all i wanted to hear.
Get me the f.
B.
I.
I solved it, everybody.
Give me your attention.
What are we watching? "Tootsie.
" Let's not watch anything.
I want to show you my chart.
[ Alf .]
yo, willie.
What? Quick question-- What does f.
B.
I.
Stand for? Federal bureau of investigation, why? Just curious.
What do you think? It's very nice, dear.
It shows our whole family, aliens inclusive And when we can use the phone.
Brian can't stay up until 11:00.
That's a mistake.
We'll switch that with lynn's time to call her boyfriend.
Daddy, he can't stay up to 11:00.
[ Door bell .]
Who will i call at 4:00 am? It's not perfect, But it's a start.
Sorry to bother you, But is willie tanner in? Speaking.
Excellent.
F.
B.
I.
You have the right to remain silent.
What are you doing? Anything you say Make them stop.
Leave him alone.
We'll just be a minute.
Let's go, pal.
We'll take this, too.
Not my chart! Why are you doing this? It's the law, ma'am.
This is what happens when someone threatens national security.
Nice meeting you.
[ Willie .]
hello, mrs.
Ochmonek.
What did he do? I don't know.
What's going on? Daddy's been arrested.
Boy, those hbo guys mean business.
He used your shortwave to call the president? Shhh! All i know is somebody used my radio.
I'm a criminal.
They'll hang me.
Stop! You have to tell the truth.
Of course, the truth-- An alien took control of my radio.
"Why?" They'll ask.
Because i wouldn't let him use the phone.
Maybe we can clear it up, without telling the truth.
I never should have let alf anywhere near my Maybe it was wrong of alf to call the president.
Maybe? Okay, it was wrong.
But you have to respect his feelings about nuclear war.
It's commendable that he's willing To send me to jail for his beliefs.
At least he cares about something other than food.
Great.
Now he cares about nuclear war and food.
I need a moment alone with the alleged traitor.
I'll be right back.
I'll check on the lawyer.
You wait here.
Sorry.
Good afternoon, alf.
I need to talk with youabout this.
Why are all these people on the phone all the time? This is my favorite part.
Why's dad on tv again? I taped it.
You taped his arrest? He might like to catch it when he gets out jail.
To see what he looked like when he was young.
I mean it! Sometimes i don't understand you at all.
Tell her, brian.
He's an alien.
Besides that-- Don't you understand? Dad got arrested because of you.
Don't you care? Of course.
I feel terrible.
He's my willie; my goombah.
It doesn't seem like it.
I haven't forgotten about him.
In fact, i'm working on something right now.
The f.
B.
I.
Has him, right?Right.
Who gives orders to the f.
B.
I.
? The president, right?Right.
No problem.
The big guy and i are like "that.
" Come on, brian.
Let's spring daddy.
May i suggest the black 7 on the red 8? [ Buzz .]
May i suggest you answer the phone? Yes, sir.
Air force one, may i help you? Oh, hello alf.
It's him! - Him who? - Alf! Impossible.
We got him.
Unless there's a whole nest of them.
A.
L.
F.
I have the alabama lunatic fringe, See if willie tanner's still in jail.
Yes, sir.
You might try that Just place the call and trace this one.
Placing and tracing, sir.
Defoe here.
Defoe, remember me? How about putting the chief on? He's indisposed.
In the bathroom again? That's classified.
What now? Last time we talked, thing's got all messed up.
I'll call back when he's out.
No!No! I'll see what i can do.
Hello, sir? Sorry to bother you in there.
Can you talk to someone while we trace his call? Yes, sir, on the phone.
Thank you, sir; line 2.
Line 2, sir.
One more.
Count from the left.
There you go.
[ Pres.
Reagan's voice .]
hello? I know you're a busy guy, so i'll make this brief.
Willie tanner's in jail.
And i think it's my fault.
Really? Yeah, he's innocent.
He didn't call you.
I did.
Goodness, sounds complicated.
It shouldn't have been.
I just wanted to talk to you about your bombs.
The "bonzo" films? I was under contract No, not those bombs the nuclear ones.
We've only got one planet.
Why don't you and the russky ease up a little? I'm sure we'll do everything we can.
Hope i haven't oversimplified the problem.
Hold on they did? Goody, thank you.
We're sending someone right now to follow up on this thing.
Just sit tight, okay? You, too.
Loved patty's book.
Perfect.
They're on their way.
They're not coming to help.
They're coming to arrest us like daddy! Brian, get a grip! Think i'd get us in hot water, Without a foolproof backup plan? Sure.
Of course i would.
This time i have a plan.
Fbi freeze! Wait a minute, who are you? Me? I'm alf; alf tanner.
You're alf? How old are you? Six; going on seven.
I heard someone Good afternoon.
Good to see you.
Doing something different with your hair? What are you doing here? Brian what's going on? Brian? I thought his name was alf.
Alf? What do you mean his name is alf? [ Clears throat .]
Oh, alf! Yes, of course it is.
His real name is brian, But we call him alf, for short.
It's a pet name.
Are you aware that alf was using this equipment? No, i was not aware, But yes, i am becoming aware of it now.
Brian, what did we say About calling the president? I don't know.
We said, "not until after your homework.
" Oh, right.
Surely you don't think a little child, Could be a threat to national security.
Well, ma'am Would you excuse us a minute? What do you think? About what? Could national security Be threatened by a 6 year old? He's going on 7.
The president would not want us to arrest a kid.
It'd embarrass everybody.
Then we shouldn't do it.
Excuse me Are you arresting my son? Umnot at this time.
Thank goodness! What about releasing my husband? We'll have to ask the president.
I'll call them for you.
Alf? No problem.
Reach in there.
Oh! A presidential commendation! It's wonderful.
"To brian alf tanner "For exposing gaps in national security "And for his concern about world peace, Which is something i'm in favor of, myself.
" Brian, way to go! "I'm reminded of my humble beginnings, "When i built a crystal set in the basement "Of my parent's home in illinois Or iowa.
" Hey! Hold it down! My show is coming on.
What's the matter? Nothing.
It's not like I had something to do with the plaque.
Oh, i'm so sorry.
I feel terrible.
Didn't i thank you? Did i not say, "thanks," For subjecting me to humiliation? For almost costing me my job? For landing me in jail, for Hold that thought! The show is on.
Larry is discussing the middle east crisis With qaddafi and charo.
About the phone I know.
I had time to think in jail.
I decided it's worth the $25 for your own line.
Oh, daddy, thanks! That's swell.
Make it a princess.
It's not for you, it's for her! What are you getting me? Your own toothbrush.
Why? Never mind.
You'll thank me.
Yo, charo, ¿qu?Pasa?