Alice & Jack (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Two years ago, you said
you were all fucked up
and that you'd always be alone.
Would you prefer
if that were the case?
But you said if you could be
with anyone,
you would be with me.
Alice, what happened?
I fell in love.
Alice's happiness now is
only possible
because you showed her that
happiness is a possibility.
I think you should be prepared
for the strange fact that
when Alice is around,
you're never aware of
the passage of time.
Be ready for nothing to make sense,
and yet for everything
to make sense.
Do not be alarmed, my friends.
This is all perfectly normal.
Hey, Danny.
Get out of the fucking way!
You disappeared, Alice.
I haven't heard from you
for three years.
I was reconstituting.
The price of oil is gonna crash
and when it does,
those of us who saw that coming are
gonna make a bloody fortune.
I did everything you asked
of me at that wedding and more,
and you repaid me with silence.
Do you have any investable capital?
Like cash, or equities?
I sense you don't approve.
Only because you have no idea
what you're doing
and your investment adviser is
a complete psychotic.
If this works out,
I can give Celia
the future she would've had
if we'd never been divorced.
This is why God created
second husbands. Let Mark do it.
I don't want Mark to do it,
Celia's fond enough
of him as it is.
SELL! SELL!
Sell everything!
Sell everything!
YEAH!
Hey.
Sorry, I've only got about
six minutes.
I'm upstairs killing
syphilis bacteria, so.
On your lunch break?
Yeah, lunch breaks, nights, weekends.
It's a passion project.
Which is a euphemism for,
"I've got to do it on my own time".
Which is in turn a euphemism for,
"your boss is a soulless wanker".
Maybe.
Anyway, this might
take the edge off.
Oh, my God.
I mean, don't you
Oof, don't you normally
wire these, or?
Well, I thought this
would be festive.
I know, what if, what if I lose it?
It'll be reissued if you lose it.
What if I'm mugged on the way
to the bank?
Don't endorse it till you get
inside the bank.
They're gonna suspect me
of criminal activity.
No, they're not,
but they will treat you differently.
Today, and for the rest of time.
It's not gonna break.
You can be as nonchalant
as you like about this.
You can probably afford to
buy Belgium now.
But thisthis is my
daughter's freedom to find her way.
And I was never nervous.
You said it would happen,
and it happened.
Thank you for coming,
thank you for this.
I just didn't like fighting, Jack.
I didn't like it at all.
And I wanted to come here and
talk the way we used to, and
..and set the world right.
You've done that.
I keep thinking I'm
going to crumple the cheque.
Sorry. Sorry Al,
I I can't do that.
Alice, I'm sorry, I've
I've turned a corner.
I mean, I told you, I told you that.
No, it shouldn't have happened.
I, erm
I meant to just give you
the cheque and then
leave the way that I came.
You only want me now
because you can't have me.
I'm not a fucking child.
It comes up, you know.
It's there, it's always been there.
It can't help but come out.
Do you know what I mean?
I haven't looked in on those
feelings for a while.
They don't matter.
They don't matter?
Everything's breakable,
Alice. Even this.
Well, I suppose we're even.
Nearly.
Sh! It's Jack, be quiet!
Morning, boss.
Good morning, boss.
What the fuck is going on?
Are you sitting down?
I'm standing up
right in front of you.
Half an hour ago, a courier
delivered a massive cheque
from Vanth Capital
with an instruction letter
from Alice stipulating it be used
to set up a new pro-bono division
led by you, with no interference
from Saul the Cheap -
who, if you look discreetly
over my shoulder
Jack, I said discreetly,
for fuck's sake.
..awaits you at the centrifuge.
So anyway Good morning.
What are you doing?
I'm stopping this.
Have you lost your mind?
She doesn't decide
how I live my life.
She's rich. They decide everything.
Mate, she's just made our dreams
come true.
We can do what we want.
We can follow our hearts.
We can go to Cuba, Dominica,
or Malaysia, or Sri Lanka
or the Maldives -
where the problems are.
We can work with those
brilliant doctors who have
everything but the money.
What do I tell Saul?
Tell him he's a soulless fucker.
Maya.
Jack! Hi, congratulations.
What's happening here?
Yeah, sheshe sent everybody
their money
and then she closed down the fund.
Why?! What the fuck!
Well, because she's done, isn't she?
I mean, she set records
year-over-year.
Her employees and clients
are all sorted and,
I mean, she's got more money
than she could ever spend,
so I think she's made her point
This is This is crazy.
Where is she?
She wants to travel.
When does she leave?
She left last night.
She didn't say goodbye.
She doesn't like goodbyes,
especially not the ones with you.
What did you think this was?
Some sort of passive-aggressive
power display?
Aggressive-aggressive, but, yeah.
That's what it feels like
No, Jack. She took you
at your word, and she did
a noble and generous thing.
I didn't ask her to.
Yeah, and that's why
it's noble and generous.
She's in love with you, you idiot!
She tell you that?
I'm her friend.
She left something for you
in case you came.
Do you know what it says?
Of course not.
I might build up to it. Mm.
It won't change
what's inside.
Hey, what do you want
for your birthday?
It's months from now.
I want to get a head start.
A sword.
A sword?
Mark says I should try
fencing next.
Does he?
Well, I bet you'll be a fine fencer.
Who's that from?
Oh, erm, my friend Alice.
The lady who almost got married?
You remember her? Of course.
What's it say?
I haven't read it yet. But I will.
Right, come on, let's go to bed.
Hello? Where are you?
I am in the hall. Can I come in?
OK.
Morning. How'd you sleep?
Fine. Are you going in?
I am. Sorry, I have to.
Paul and I are tinkering.
There's eggs downstairs.
Eat them before they themselves
become infectious.
Erm, Mark said if you
had to go to work,
he would take me to
breakfast.
Great. Give us a hug?
Wow.
See you later. Bye.
Don't forget your keys.
Oh, my God.
Celia.
Ihave some questions.
I've waited so long for this.
You're a dancer?
Well, no. I mean,
I was when I was a kid.
For 16 years, really.
But it could have been my job
I suppose, yeah.
What happened?
Things just changed.
Yeah.
But I do it for myself still.
Yeah, dancing's about
the only thing I haven't tried.
You should.
Really? Yeah.
Why does my mum hate my dad?
She doesn't.
I think she's just
..a bit angry.
Why?
Things in the past.
Like you and my dad?
Yeah.
So it was a mistake?
What was?
My mum and my dad getting married.
NoNo.
It was a mistake,
so I shouldn't be alive.
No! That's the farthest thing
from the truth. No.
And your dad would say it's
the best thing he's ever done.
And I'd agree with him,
cos you're here.
And we're meant to be here,
aren't we? All of us. I think.
My mum and my stepdad
say awful things about him.
Yeah.
He doesn't fight back.
No.
Of course he doesn't.
Well
Well, I want to know
what the truth is.
What to believe.
And if there's another side
to this story, I want to hear it.
Well, that's fair enough.
I'm not sure that
it's my place tosay.
I need to know whether I can
trust him. If I should love him.
Oh, my goodness
You know, Celia,
life just isn't tidy.
And it's just really easy
to judge people.
But, erm
..your dad is the best person
I know.
Really?
I don't think I'd be here
if it wasn't for him.
And I wish
I would have given anything
to have a dad like your dad.
Do you want me to teach you
someballet?
Is that weird?
No. YeahYeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
OK.
Shall I?
Take your shoes off.
And then just open your arms out
and that's second position.
And then just bring them back
together again.
You're giving the impression of
a ballerina.
Really?
You are, yeah.
I'll show you a different thing.
See, you can
hold onto me again. OK.
I'm like, I'm like the ballet barre.
You've got it, you've got it.
You've got it!
That's amazing!
Celia, honestly, I think that you'd
be really, really good at this.
Really? Yeah. I do.
Point your right foot.
Perfect! Really? Yeah.
Brilliant. Are you all right there?
Yeah. It's a bit wobbly.
Hello.
Did you forget your key again?
Yeah.
We'll have to get you
one of those little grey rocks
you can hide them inside
What happened? Who's angry?
No-one, it's just a better hug.
OK.
Sit down? Mm-hm.
How was work?
Tried and failed
to save humanity again.
How was breakfast?
Didn't go. No?
What'd you do instead?
Nothing much.
Very mysterious.
"Nothing much"?
Mm-hm.
It's making less and less sense,
present company excluded.
Excluded. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Oh, my God. Ah.
Can I just say, I'm having
a really nice time with you?
Yeah. I'm
I'm having a really nice time
with you, too.
Good.
So, there's something
..I should tell you.
Oh, God.
Is this besides the ex-wife
and thethe daughter?
It is. It is, yeah.
OK.
I've been in love with somebody
since 2007.
And she has been in love with me.
Since 2007. Erm
Yeah, we tried dating
when we were young, you know,
but it just did not work out.
And so we ended up leaving
each other's lives for good.
Oh, you're not in touch?
No, we are in touch.
You are in touch.
Yeah, erm
We bumped into each other a few
years ago, coincidentally, in Cuba.
In Cuba?
Yeah, can you imagine?
No.
Anyway, ever since then
we've just been friends.
You know, we see each other
all the time,
we tell each other
basically everything
but there's a line now that
we'll never, ever cross it again.
Andthat's it.
I only tell you this now cos I failed
to tell somebody about it years ago
and that turned out to not be fair.
So, you're in love
with another woman?
Yeah. Yeah.
And she's in love with you.
Yeah.
And you're sitting here presenting
yourself as available?
I am available.
OK, guys, are we ready?
Ready in four, three, two
Here's a phrase
you don't hear every day,
"Celebrated biomedical researcher."
Jack Caine, welcome to
the programme.
Thank you very much for having me.
You've been on quite a run.
Er, I should say first of all
that it's not just me.
Er, there's a whole bunch of us
but, yeah, thank you.
This is 2022, Jack, there's
no such thing as humility.
Tell us, what's in your crosshairs?
Well, dengue fever. Mm.
It's mosquito-borne,
caused by a virus.
About 22,000 deaths a year,
mostly children
and there is no known cure.
Enter Jack and his bunch,
so to speak?
That's the idea, yeah.
So, what's the plan?
You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean
liked each other.
Please. It's show business.
Well, I think you're
a very good match.
You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean,
you look great together.
You and Rachel Tinsley-Dean
sound great together
Why do you keep on calling her
by her full name?
I just like saying her full name.
Rachel Tinsley-Dean.
Rachel Tinsley-Dean.
It's just up here
on the left, please.
Rachel Tinsley-Dean. If you
got married If you got married,
she'd be called
Rachel Tinsley-Dean-Caine.
You can't have two hyphens.
Yeah, it's a real mouthful.
You can't.
I'll see you later.
I'm not supposed to know about that.
Oh, yeah.
I'll not see you tonight.
You're a nightmare.
Alice Long.
Just in time, come this way.
Thank you for coming.
Oh, my God, OK, I've got to go.
Well done on your half of the DNA.
Ah, yeah. You, too.
Oh, God, she's so good.
I mean, she's pretty bendy.
She's loose-jointed, yeah.
If ballet doesn't work out, she
can be a magician's assistant.
I think it will work out.
I think it will.
And I'm really, really happy
to have been part of that.
A big part of it.
It's kind of life-changing,
isn't it, when you just
..put your self-absorption aside and
you focus on the next generation?
Cos you feel like you can
finally, like, just
..I don't know,
breathe or something.
You sound like a parent.
I'm gonna be.
You should be.
No, I'm actually going to be one.
I've decided to be one.
My insemination's next Wednesday.
Well, congratulations.
Thanks.
Wow. When did When did you decide?
It's been evolving and it's been
coalescing, you know.
I just need my own people.
You're my people,
but you're also not mine.
And erm
..I just need my own clan.
A clan of two.
It's not a very big clan but
It'll be a fantastic clan.
Yeah.
Sorry, what is the methods,
means, by which you?
Oh, yeah, no. Erm, turkey baster.
Tur Oh?
Just like Christmas.
Yep. Just pick out of a catalogue.
And so who's the lucky guy?
Steven Foster. Steven Foster.
38, of Watford.
Mm-hm.
Etymologist.
Whoa. Fancy.
Yeah. He's really nice actually.
I met him.
Five stars on Yelp.
You know.
And my kid will beat me
at Scrabble, so, win, win.
That's the dream.
Jesus. I'm I mean
..I'm delighted for you.
Thank you.
Do you think I'll be
an all right parent?
No.
I think you'll I know
you'll be an amazing parent.
Oh.
Yeah.
The only one who'll be happier
than you will be the kid.
Guaranteed.
This is brilliant.
A baby?
Yes.
Which she plans on raising alone?
Yes.
Alice?
Yes. Oy, yoi, yoi.
Hey! I knew it was
all going too well.
I knew there was too much peace
and quiet in our little circle.
A lovely, cortisol-free six years.
You guys don't give Alice
enough credit.
For what, the Abyss?
You know she's gonna be calling you,
like, every five minutes.
I really don't think so. Well, I do.
Just don't get sucked into it.
Don't get sucked right back into
that Alice Dysfunctionality Vortex.
I completely agree.
Everyone would agree.
Even Pandora would.
She'd say. "Dear God
don'tdon't open that."
We'll insulate you. We'll help her
find a baby nurse,
a nanny, a cook, a concierge doctor,
an errand runner,
a full-on launderer,
a cleaner, even a therapist,
one that's got a few partners
so that, you know,
there's always someone on call.
Yeah, maybe put that last one first.
Oh.
You guys need to stop
because she's going to be great.
OK. OK, well, you know,
we just only hope so.
For her sake, for the child's sake,
and for your sake,
because here what now, we've got
some news. Go on baby, tell him.
Er, Rachel Tinsley-Dean
wants to go out with you.
What is wrong with everybody?
She does not want to go out with me.
She called the office
and asked for your mobile.
She asked for my mobile?
Yeah.
She probably wants to go out
with me, then.
Did you give it to her?
I said I'd ask you
and that's what I'm doing.
Celebrated biomedical researcher.
It's probably a bad idea. You don't
mix business and pleasure, right?
Are you joking?
No-one would ever have sex.
Listen, either you take her out
for dinner,
or I will kill you with
my bare hands.
Well, no, don't look at me.
I'll hide the body.
OK.
I heard your shoes,
all the way down the hall.
What about Horton for a boy?
Yeah, there's no good answer
to that.
What about Hester for a girl?
I think maybe let's move away
from the 'H's.
Right. OK. Noted.
So So this Steven guy? Mm-hm?
Is he kind of like
part of the family now?
No.
He's an etymologist. Mm-hm.
Etymology's like a 24/7 career path.
Right.
You know, nouns popping up,
left, right and centre.
In other words though, youyou
don't want him around.
Do you know, Maya, not
everyone needs a dad, really.
In other words though, ifif
this Horton/Hester
was to have a father figure,
it could only be Jack?
You might recall that Jack
already has his own kid?
But in other words Will you stop
saying "in other words"?
In other words Maya.
In other words Oh, my God.
In other words, you're
coming up with excuses.
Jack has the biggest heart of
anyone, there's plenty of room.
Jack and I are really good friends.
And it's taken 15 years
and a random meeting
halfway round the world
to find that out.
And I'm not gonna mess it up
by asking any more of him.
OK.
What do you mean "OK"?
OK.
Do you not want to, like, argue
with me or something?
Do you want me to argue with you?
No.
Well, then, OK.
Okey dokes.
Okey dokes. Let's eat.
My mother told me,
when it comes to men,
find the handsomest nerd you can.
Is that what she did?
Yeah.
And they've been happy
their entire lives.
Oh, wow.
They must be very proud of you.
They worry. It's television
so it's superficial,
dumbed-down and money-driven.
Everything's superficial,
dumbed-down and money-driven.
Not everything. Not what you do.
I was lucky. I had a guardian angel.
What happened to her?
How do you know it's a her?
The way you said it.
Sorry to be forward.
I work 105 hours a week.
When I'm drawn to someone,
I declare myself
..gather information
and take a decision.
I do not have time for, erm
Bullshit?
I was gonna say inefficiency,
but also that.
OK, there's something I should
probably tell you.
Oh, God. Hang on.
Go.
I've been in love with
someone for 15 years
and she's in love with me.
The woman that came to the taping.
How did you know that?
She came to the taping.
Also, I have aa daughter.
With that woman?
No. With my ex-wife.
Golly.
You're a lot for a nerd.
Sorry.
So, this woman?
Alice.
We've never managed to stay in
a romantic relationship together
for longer than about 11 minutes so
a long time ago we decided
to just be friends.
We have everything
apart from the physical,
basically, and that's the way
that that will stay.
Mm-hm.
ButI guess my point is that
I am not a completely clean slate.
We're adults, Jack.
Anyone without a clean slate
just hasn't been trying.
Pardon me?
Besides which, it's not like
I'm asking you to marry me.
It's all right. I mean, I just
want to enjoy your company.
OK, I'm with you so far.
And if Alice is the love
of your life, that's great
because work is the love of mine.
There you go, there's my confession.
So, if you're interested in me, I
I say let's begin.
Alice.
I just feel like I've
Have I forgotten something?
Well, don't worry about that
because I haven't.
I've got everything.
I've got scones.
Scones?
Yeah, well you never know
and they travel well.
Come on. OK. Goodbye, flat.
One of us is leaving,
two of us might be coming back.
If we don't go now,
the police will come.
OK. Did I set the alarm?
Yeah, it's on.
That's amazing. Come on.
When did I do that?
I did it. Go.
Morning.
Mm, hi.
Hello. How'd you sleep?
This is a good bed.
It is.
Hm.
Where did you get it, if I may ask?
I don't actually know.
It was a house-warming gift.
Nice house-warming.
Mm-hm, it was.
So, I go dark on Fridays.
Cyclical depression, is it?
My show.
Ah. Which means Thursday night is
my next avail if you're free.
I am free.
And if I was not free,
I would become free.
I like you.
You OK?
Yeah.
It's dumb.
I'm listening.
You remember Alice?
Yeah, she's being inseminated in
about an hour.
Clinically, you mean?
Yes, sorry, clinically.
Wow. Good for her. Mm.
Hm, I've thought about it.
You have?
Mm. For when they kick me
out of the business.
The joys of parenting without
the prison sentence of marriage.
But can I ask you something?
What are you doing here?
What do you mean? Well, if your
relationship is really what you say,
then shouldn't you be by her side?
Moral support and so on.
What kind of friend are you?
She didn't ask.
Of course she didn't ask.
She didn't want to cross a line.
Your relationship means
too much to her and she didn't
want to place undue weight.
Really?
How can some people
be so smart in some ways
and so daft in others?
Itit wouldn't have been
placing undue weight,
I would have liked to be there.
Well, then why didn't you suggest?
Well, because I didn't want to
place undue weight on her.
Mm, that's the problem
with respect.
Too much of it
and everything gets fucked.
Do you know where
she's getting it done?
Yeah, I mean I Yeah, I mean,
I could call her.
Calling is half-arsed.
Real friendship is full-arsed.
It's rush hour, I'm not going to
get there in time.
Which is why you own a bicycle.
You all right?
Mm-hm, uh-huh.
Sure?
Well, do you want a scone?
Not right now.
OK.
Hi. Do you mind if I just
pop out for a minute?
Is it for a cigarette?
No, it's not for a cigarette.
Then it's fine. Thanks.
Do you want me to come with you?
I'm OK.
Hey, I'll wait here in case
they come and if they do,
I'll come get you. Great plan.
OK.
Alice.
Alice, Alice.
Oh, my God. Jesus Christ.
Did I miss it?
Has it happened already?
They don't just punt you outside
right afterwards.
No, it hasn't happened yet.
Phew!
I can't believe I made it.
You can actually get here in like
18 minutes if you ignore the lights.
Oh, well good to know.
I'm sorry, I should
have asked to come.
I was I was standing on ceremony.
I'm sorry.
I would've asked you to come,
I almost asked you to come.
It's exhausting isn't it,
being in love?
It's fuckin' brutal.
You're not alone, Alice.
You've never been alone.
From the day we met,
you've had a clan.
Do you think maybe you
better pick up your bike?
Yeah.
Just for pedestrians and stuff.
Yeah.