All Night (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Previously on "All Night" To maybe slightly salvaging this night.
- Here's to that.
- I have a broken penis.
There was no lacrosse dick breaking.
Fine, yeah, I cheated.
I know you'll come out when you want, if you want.
Roni Sweetzer is effing single.
I've been waiting for this for so long.
Roni Sweetzer's effing single.
- You bailed on me.
- In 20 years I may actually need a boner pill, but tonight? Purely recreational.
I'm coming out! P.
S.
, I'm gay.
It's not the question of whether I like you It's just the question of whether I feel like it You want an answer for the things that I do I cannot tell you that I exactly know why yet And I don't want to Baby I got A dirty disposition Did you know she was gonna come out via karaoke? Nope.
It was a total surprise, a fun, sexy, surprising surprise.
If you say surprise one more time, I might believe you didn't hate it.
Duty calls.
Ah, I can't believe you guys are a thing And right under our noses.
It feels like so many things are happening, and I don't see any of them.
I want a love like yours where you can share clothes.
You guys are the sweetest.
Thank you so much for your support.
We love it.
Right, bae? Yeah, it's it's great to have your support during this surprising moment.
What? Is this a drill? Graduates, the countdown begins.
Three, two, one! Midnight Madness! What is happening? Hey, guys, uh, can somebody tell me what's going on? Midnight Madness! Yeah, I got that, but, like, what is it? It's the most epic game ever invented.
The seniors prep for it literally all year.
And some of us since birth.
It's kind of like a scavenger hunt mixed with an escape room.
Mixed with capture the flag.
And a little speck of book of the dead.
Okay, but how do you play? Each person is sorted into one of the five teams based on the list.
And your bandanna denotes your team.
Don't let people take your bandanna in any of the designated war zones, or you're eliminated.
You and your team compete against the other teams for points based on a series of challenges both physical and mental.
And there's outfits! The person with the most points on each team who's still alive when the last gong rings competes in the reckoning.
The reckoning! - What happens if you win? - You become a total legend.
Both my sisters won their years, and I plan to complete the Haversham hat trick.
- Ooh, villagers! - Rogues! - Aristocracy! - Okay, no, no, no, see, I'm gonna win and bring glory to my team, uh, team, uh, clergy.
Sucks, man.
The clergy starts with the least amount of points.
The diadem of Montecito has been placed! Aw, man, it's midnight.
- So? - Midnight Madness? This was something I was really looking forward to.
I mean, I could live with missing the rest of the events tonight, but this? The guys and I talked about it all year.
I'm sorry.
That really sucks.
I'm FOMOing at the mouth.
Hey, what if we just play our own version? Of Midnight Madness? Not unless you happen to be hiding a 20-sided die, seven parachutes, and a sacred gong.
No, I do not have any of those things, but we could still play a game.
- How about Would You Rather? - Would You Rather is boring.
Would you rather have a 2-to 3-inch penis on your elbow Or every time you sneeze you poop a little bit, like a nugget? - Wow, you're good at this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Choose.
- Hmm.
Okay, is the penis sensitive, or is it flaccid? Mm, flaccid.
It's just decorative.
Mm, okay, and how big a nugget are we talking here? It's bigger than a marble but definitely smaller than a tennis ball.
Yeah, well, I have pretty bad seasonal allergies, so the poop would be kind of hard to work around.
Yup, I'm going with the elbow wiener.
Excellent choice.
Okay, your turn.
Okay, would you rather have an unflavored snow cone or - Hey.
- Hey.
- So - Yeah, I saw.
Congratulations.
I wanted to tell you, and I know I gave you shit earlier for saying that I had a crush on her.
Oh, it's it's fine.
You just wanted to respect your girlfriend.
Alexis wanted to come out on her own time in her own very flashy way.
- I get you don't like her.
- No, I l I like her.
Just know I wanted to talk to you about this.
There were so many crazy close calls, like the time I told you I went to Pittsburgh to visit my aunt, almost ran into you at the movies.
- Oh, my God, so crazy.
- And that stomach flu I had three Saturday nights in a row? - Was even one of those real? - No.
Wait, one of those Saturdays was my birthday.
Was it? Yeah.
Aristocracy meeting in the game room.
Oh, and, uh, Cassie, Alexis? Respect.
- To be continued.
- Deanna Ugh, I want my phone.
I really want to take pictures.
I totally understand phantom limb pains now.
You okay, Roni? She's at an existential impasse.
We need to leave her be.
Roni, I know you're pissed, but you can't let this off-brand Ken doll Oz ruin tonight for you.
That's the problem.
I'm not pissed.
I'm at a existential impasse.
I thought I'd met the love of my life, and then he broke his penis in another girl.
I just feel so stupid and out of control and and not even that pretty.
Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? Cut Oz's dick off.
But that seems unreasonable, so How about the next best thing? - Balls? - I have this friend and she broke her boyfriend's penis too.
If I can remember correctly, he said even half a chub was incredibly painful.
So if I get Oz super hard, I'll inflict actual searing pain? Yup.
The only problem is I don't know how we can accomplish that considering he probably won't let anyone near it.
Bernie has a boner pill.
- We could give Oz a boner pill.
- Yeah.
Yes, yes, in all this Midnight Madness craziness it'll be super easy to steal it.
Yeah, but do you guys mind if we do that after, just 'cause of my family legacy? No, you're right.
We should do this now.
All right, Jack, go under my legs.
Callie, you go over Fig's right arm.
All right.
Nice.
- Oh! - Nice, eggo high five.
So big news about Cassie and Alexis.
- Did you know? - No idea, and, I'm kind of worried that makes me a bad twin.
Yeah, maybe.
A lot of romantic revelations happening tonight.
Cassie and Alexis are getting together, and Roni and Oz broke up.
Other stuff happened.
Hey, has anyone found Poseidon's pestle? Uh, it's right over by the computers.
Thank you.
Cool merman harp.
Yeah, yeah, it's nonfunctional.
- What? - Nothing.
- Dude, that was so bad.
- Shut up, man.
Just talk to her like a person.
Don't you guys both play the ukulele? I play guitar.
I don't know.
I don't want to hound her, like, ten seconds after she broke up with Oz, you know? - Oh, okay.
- What? Look, I know I only know you through Cassie, so this may not be my place, but dude, just go for it.
You just don't want to make this, like, your whole gap year thing.
- What whole thing? - You know, Deanna and you talk about it.
She's doing it.
You're not because you freaked out and convinced yourself you didn't want to.
That is not what happened.
Well, isn't that what you told Cassie? No, I never said that.
Is that what she thinks? No, I probably dreamed that.
Wait for it, Haversham.
Wait for it.
- Back off.
He has asthma.
- I have asthma? Yes, and you need your inhaler.
False alarm.
He just sucks at this.
- Help the man to his feet.
- There's my inhaler.
- We've all moved on.
- Oh.
Melinda! Melinda oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I come in peace.
Look, I know you're a rogue, and I'm one of the much less-skilled sea folk, and that means that we can never be seen together, but I have a quest I need help with.
If this is a trick to thwart me, I will take you out.
I would never thwart.
I'm not a thwarter.
Look, I swear, I speak to you not as the sea folk, genus merman, House of Tidus, but as my given name, Christian Fulner, genus senior, House of my mom's.
You may proceed.
Oh, thank you.
The alcohol has runneth dry.
The people are thirsty, and anger is mounting.
Do you, in your vast knowledge, know where the heretofore confiscated nectar of the gods could be? I did see Lord Saperstein sequester the remains in the trunk of her sensible Kia hatchback here, though her keys are likely hidden in her satchel here.
So if I pilfer the keys to her chariot, will you join me in this very daring campaign? Though the risks are high I'm in.
The booze shall be shanghaied.
Yes, a triumph! Oh, wait, wait.
Um, also I just killed you.
Oh, sh I'm so gonna get you back for that.
Ladies and lords, selected rogues and chosen aristocracy, what say you? It is time to air the dirty laundry of the drama department, the shirts of shirts past.
Your task is simple.
Arrange the memorabilia of Sherman Grove High's performances past in the order it was produced.
- Nice! - Yeah, I'm about to make this musical theater timeline my bitch.
Begin! Last year was "Wicked," "Bye-Bye Birdie," "Chicago," "'Lil Abner.
" Over here is the decade they only did anti-communist musicals.
Yeah, the '90s was weird.
"The Sound of Music," 1964.
You think they got the rights to do "Sound of Music" five years after it was written? Oh, you're a musical theater nerd now thanks to Alexis.
That must be so fun for you.
You know what? It is.
Great.
Everything's just perfect.
Fig can go date Roni, and, you know, you guys can all go on a double date and just leave me behind.
Deanna, guess what? Sometimes things have nothing to do with you.
Those shirts are artifacts.
Treat them as such.
Proceed with caution.
I have the cloak of sustained theatrics.
"Into the Woods" was performed in both 1989 and 2003.
You are correct.
Deanna Hoffman and the aristocracy, 400 points! A winner! Oh, this is the best night of your life.
Tough luck, rogues.
Guys, I've obtained the magic fairy dust of Agamemnon.
I don't remember there being any fairy dust.
Shut up.
It's fairy time! Oh.
Oh, man.
Oh.
Ah.
Yes, a villager! - It's 200 points, right? - No, no, no.
A priest cannot hit a low-level villager.
That is a crazy abuse of power.
This kingdom does not respond to your good looks.
Just because you're a cute priest doesn't give you more power.
You are the moral compass of this kingdom, and a noodle does not represent compassion.
100 points off.
You may go.
Kid does not listen.
Never have I ever gotten a tattoo.
Where? - Mm-mm.
- Aw, come on.
We definitely don't know each other well enough for that.
- Good point.
- Never have I ever made out with a celebrity.
Really? Okay, come on.
I mean, I've seen your Instagram.
- They're just friends.
- Hmm.
Okay, I've got a good one for you.
Never have I ever seen a Batman movie.
- Oh, no, no, no, never.
- What? Never, never, never, none of them.
- But you're a - Nerd? Yeah, perhaps, but you know what? I've never gotten the appeal of his whole brooding antihero thing.
I mean, you can save people's lives.
Would it kill you to smile? Okay, fair assessment.
Never have I ever had a fun night with any of my classmates.
- Hmm.
- Until now.
- Mm.
- Mm-mm.
- Mm, mm, mm-mm.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
The final five have been found.
Now they must race to place their artifact into the well of authenticity.
And then there's the reckoning! The reckoning! The reckoning! Yes! We have our final two! Cassie Fulner, Deanna Hoffman will compete in the reckoning! The reckoning! - Yes! Yes! - The reckoning! It's all going according to plan.
Totally, except for the part where I didn't win Midnight Madness, which would have been great, but there's more important things in life.
I just can't think of any right now.
Welcome to the reckoning! - Ready to lose? - You mean win? The only thing you'll be winning is the stupid baby crying all the way home contest.
Yeah, well, I never entered that contest, so, ha, joke's on you.
Oh, is that trash talking? That's, like, the worst trash talking I've ever heard.
Choose your weapons wisely, for while the two-pronged sword of tragedy cuts through the shield of triumph, it is smashed by the mountain of mercy, which is only defeated by the shield.
Are you kidding me? This whole bloodbath was rock, paper, scissors? What say you? Oh.
Okay.
Begin! Wait, Cassie, I'm sorry.
I'm really happy that you found somebody that you care about.
No, I'm sorry.
Alexis and I fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was 3:00 a.
m.
and I had missed your whole party, and I feel beyond terrible.
I should have told you Girls, this is not therapy.
It's the reckoning.
I don't want to reckon against you.
Neither do I.
I will not yield! Whoo! I win! I win! She can't do that, can she? - My God, she can.
- What? Lyssee Haversham has won Midnight Madness! Medic! I need help! Someone call 911! Oh, God.
You did this.
You did this! Hell, yeah, I did.
Feels good to be back.
Hey, Veronica.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah.
Great.