Almost Heroes (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

Um, this feels kinda funny.
Well, then I must be doing something wrong.
It should feel hilarious.
(Laughs) This is all happening so fast.
I know But it just feels so right.
A magical dinner for two at the finest hotel buffet in walking distance.
What better way to end "two-for-one Tuesdays" than two becoming one.
That's beautiful.
More wine? I'm sorry.
What's wrong? You too cold? I can warm you up.
No, not cold.
Ah! Too warm.
Maybe you're wearing too many bras.
I can help you with that.
I think the problem is that guy.
Peter: Don't mind me, guys.
Pretend I'm not even here.
(Crunching cheetos) Right.
I'll take care of it.
Hey, Peter, would you like a very special cupcake? Pffft! Obviously.
Terry: Don't worry, I drugged his cupcake.
He'll sleep like a baby.
Yeah, but he's still right there.
Right.
Sorry.
I'm being insensitive.
Good night, sweet prince.
Sleep now so that I may hump.
Now, where Denise? (Door slams) (Sigh) Damn it! Peter: (Sleep mumble) Must kill president Terry: I probably shouldn't have said hump.
Hey, Bernie, how're you doing? I work at Sassitude.
Shoot me in the face and end it now.
But first, I need a cupcake.
Whoa-whoa-whoa! You can't have those.
Terry, it's okay.
I'm on this all cupcake diet.
Okay, that was a lie, but wouldn't that be awesome? No, no.
You can't eat those cupcakes.
They're drugged - for when I bring girls home.
I'm sorry, what was that? Bernie, I don't drug the women.
I'm not a monster.
I drug Peter so I can have sex with women while he's unconscious on the floor.
I think this idea seems way less creepy when I don't say it out loud.
Although, I am starting to realize why it never works.
You're drugging your own brother? Do you know how dangerous that is? Don't worry.
These are pretty safe.
(Reading) "Side effects include drymouth, persistent erections, and sleep heroics.
" Sleep heroics? (Super hero music plays) (Yawns) Terry: See? Dry mouth.
No big deal.
Bernie: Oh! Terry: Whoa! That is persistent.
But harmless.
No one's getting hurt.
God, my head is killing me! Hm it doesn't say anything about headaches.
(Hard whack) Wow that is persistent.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Next time, just get a hotel room.
Who can afford a hotel at $10.
25 an hour? Whoa! $10.
25 an hour? I know! That's nothing.
Guess you should've stayed here with us.
You'd be making twenty by now, like me and Pete.
I only make ten! What? How do you guys live? Do you make your own clothes? (Both laugh) That's ridiculous.
Make our own clothes, eh? (Sewing machine hums, Peter hums) (Machine jams) Uh-oh.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Uh.
That's gonna hurt.
Okay! All right! I will just dig it out with these scissors Oh, that's much worse.
Just stitch through it, just stitch through it, Peter, come on! Ahhhh! Ahhhhhh! Scissor again.
Here we go! Oh! Oh! I'm ruining my shirt.
That's what's really upsetting! Terry! Pete, you know that dad always paid me a quarter more.
Yeah, when we were twelve! We should make the same.
Wait, your goal is $10.
25 an hour? (Laughs) That's so adorable! Look, I would love to give you a raise, but we have to minimize costs to keep prices low.
Remember what dad used to say? Get your finger out of there? He also used to say, "Great comics for great people at great prices.
" Bernie: I love watching you guys bond, but time is money For me anyway.
(Laughing) See you at lunch, poorpants! Poorpants? Really? Sorry.
It's just so rare I actually get to feel superior To anyone.
All right, knock yourself out.
Why don't you go sell your blood at the place where they pay you foryour blood! The blood bank? I'm on fire! Hey, maybe I should make $10.
25 an hour and you can make ten, that way prices stay the same.
No.
And get your finger out of there.
Another coffee break? Really? Should I say cupcake break? I'll have you know I didn't have a cupcake because it was drugged.
Do you know how sad that sounds? I do, yes.
Look, I know folding's pretty darn complicated for someone with your wide fingers, but who is going to buy a wrinkled shirt? Wow.
You're right.
That is a huge problem.
If only there are some way I could refold it.
Maybe you could refold all of them.
But those ones aren't wrinkled.
Really? (Gasps) Now they are.
Come on! That took me like three minutes! Nice attitude.
You know, this is why you're never gonna make manager money.
Why? How much do you make? Eight dollars an hour.
Ha! Eight dollars an hour? That's not even half of what I make! What? You make more money than I do? Yeah.
What do you have to say about that? Yeah, well I guess it sounds fair.
Really? Mm-hm.
Because in two years I'm gonna be married to a CEO with washboard abs, and you will still be here, aging.
Badly.
You don't know that.
Oh, yes I do know that.
You are gonna die working at Sassitude.
You are gonna be buried in spanx.
Maybe I'll just fold these.
There you go.
See? Even though you make more, you still have to do what I tell you.
(Singsong) Smile.
I can't believe there are suckers out there who would do this for half of what I make.
Suckers Terry: Thank you very much.
Hey, hey, hey! What're you doing? I'm evening out the wage disparity in this place.
First of all, great use of the word disparity.
Thank you.
It's on my word of the day calendar.
I thought it was quite perspacacious.
Was that yesterday's word? No.
I just made it up.
Second of all, those aren't wages, they're tips for my excellent service.
Isn't that right, Boyd? Oh, sorry, Pete.
He's earned every penny.
He made a heart with the foam.
That's because I love you.
Damn, he's good.
Peter: Okay.
Well, then I'll just take over the coffee counter, right? How hard could it be? (Flames whoosh) Huh.
(Flames whoosh) Is it supposed to do that? Is anything supposed to do that? Fine.
You know what? I'll just set up a tip jar at the comic counter, and you can't have any of that! Pfft! How are you going to get tips? Oh, I've got a few ideas.
Lady: (Cries out) Oh my God! That poor woman, she's dead.
Is she? Peter, that's amazing! Why do I ever question you? You're the best.
Thank you, young man.
Ahem.
(Coin clatters) Fifteen cents? Keeping in mind you don't have magical powers.
Then I've got nothing.
You've had a rough day.
I'm giving you a ten minute break.
Who made you lord of the breaks? That's my job as manager.
Manager? What? I have way more experience than you do.
True, but I went to Harvard Business School.
Uh, you failed out of Harvard Business School! Yeah? What's the best school you ever failed out of? The school of life! You failed out of the school of life? Well, you failed out of little dick college! Why? Because I have a big dick? Shut up! We're gonna have to discuss these little outbursts of yours at your next performance review.
Fine.
I'll do your little performance review and we'll see who's manager after that.
So, tell me Peter What would you say your greatest weakness is? Um well uh heh I'm not great at dealing with people or handling money.
And uh I'm not so good with "sales," or not lighting things on "fire.
" So I guess my greatest weakness would have to be my inability to rank my weaknesses.
Peter: This is ridiculous! You can't just come back here after all these years of me in charge of everything.
Well to be fair, I wrote "has potential" on your review.
You make more money, you get to be manager, you have better hair, you're a way better dancer.
Where are you going with this? Well (Huffs) I mean You make all the decisions without even asking me! Well, to be fair, if we're just going to do things my way, what's the point of asking you? The point is I know way more about this place than you do.
Okay, I do a lot of things around here you don't even know about! All I want is a little respect! And one of my special cupcakes.
No! (Groans, thumps on floor) Damn it! I've got a date tonight, so I'm gonna need you to cover for me.
Boyd: Here? Or on your date? Because I have to meet this fella before I agree to anything.
Where's Bernie? Well, she left a couple of hours ago.
She can't do that.
There are clothes to be folded Which you're folding.
Well, she hired me to do her job.
What? Bernie wanted me to mention something I missed my court date.
That can't be right.
Oh she's paying me eleven dollars an hour.
Do you realize I'm now making more money than you? Jealous? (Laughs) You can tell Bernie that I'm not the slightest bit jealous of a pathetic loser who lives in his van.
I'll be sure to pass it on.
Really earning my money today.
Peter: (Whistling) Well, look who's feeling better.
Although you're always less cranky after a lie down.
Uh, Terry, I'm not a little kid.
Juice box? Mmm! Grape! Mm.
You know, it's not so bad.
I mean, you are better at business than I am, and all I really care about's the comic book shop and I'm still master of that domain.
Hey What the hell happened to "Pete's picks"? Pete's picks? Yeah! Pete's picks.
The shelf dedicated for all my best comics.
I took it down.
(Trying to stay calm) You did what? I didn't think it was a big deal.
It was taking up valuable wall space, and they never sold.
Yeah, of course they never sold.
Because Pete's picks aren't for sale, Terry! Pete's picks are there to show everyone that I have the best comics and that they should be jealous of me.
Well, now they can be jealous of our amazing travel mugs.
And better yet These are for sale.
Pete's picks is the lifeblood of this place and you're just turning it into a caffeinated whorehouse! Pete, I think you're overreacting.
Oh, oh I'll show you overreacting, okay, Mr.
"Manager.
" From now on, you're on you're own 'cause I'm on strike! Oh yeah.
Great comics, bad manager! Great comics, bad manager! Oh, he won't give me a raise so he can keep prices so low! Male customer: Hey, great comics.
No! Don't go in there! It's terrible! It used to just be comics, now it's got coffee and delicious treats! Female customers: Ooh! Delicious treats! Peter: No! The treats, they're not good! He puts snails in the food.
Yuck! French customer: Oh, les baguette! Escargot! Oh Son of a bitch! Hey, uh Nice strike there, Peter.
Haven't had this many customers in weeks.
I should have thought of this a long time ago.
Hey, you know what would really teach me a lesson? Why don't you stand closer to the road and twirl your sign more? Oh, I'm twirling it plenty.
Oh, and laugh while you still can because You won't find anyone who can do what I can do.
What? Bankrupt the store? Oh, I am the Scottie of this enterprise! (Scottish accent) You'll nay go warp speed without me.
I'm irreplaceable.
Terry: Hey, Bernie, you want a job? Sure.
Terry: Sweet.
Ah, haggis! How's it going, employee? Pretty good, boss.
Two soy lattes to go.
Customer: Merci beaucoup.
Uh yeah, we don't have soy milk.
Oh, I know we don't.
I just said that 'cause they're allergic to dairy.
I figure, what's the worst that could happen? They could die.
Oh.
I meant what's the worst that could happen to me.
What happened to the rest of Peter's special cupcakes? I sold them.
You can't sell these! They're drugged! Oh, yeah.
Whoops.
(Lullaby plays) Woman: (Screams) Help! Help! I'm being robbed! Terry: Oh.
Sleep heroics.
Cool.
Man: Excuse me.
I'm looking for Dark Badger.
Terry: Dark Badger Yeah, that should be under "D.
" Yeah, I already checked under "D.
" Right, then we'll check under "B.
" Checked there, too.
Well, you could have told me that before I looked.
You waste my time, I waste yours.
(Phone rings) Hello? Peter: (On phone) What's wrong, Terry? Can't find Dark Badger? Did you check under "N" for nocturnal animals? Because you won't find it there, either.
It's only a matter of time before your begging me to come back! No thanks, I'll do just fine on my own.
(Scary music) Ah! What do you want? Why don't I guess Dark Badger.
All right, I gotta think like Peter.
Badgers are weasels, weasels like fish, fish live in the sea.
So, under "C"? Ha! Here it is.
I can't believe that actually worked.
Yes I can.
Damn it, it's sold out.
(Scary music plays) Look, if you want to leave your parents phone number, we can call you when it comes in.
Or you can keep staring at me with your dead shark eyes.
Hey, Mr.
Old 'n' Creepy.
You fold pants like a girl with no hands.
Inspirationally? Good for her.
Where's the security perv? Boyd? Oh, he hired me.
So, Bernie hired him and he hired you? Yeah, yeah.
How long is his shift? He doesn't have a shift.
He's busy being a full-time loser.
Oh yeah, a full-time loser who's paying me nine bucks an hour.
What?! Yeah, he wanted me to let you know that I'm still making more money than you.
(Laughs) Well I just saw more vaginas than you have all year.
Hot.
(Exhales, pants) (Into phone) Okay, I need some copies of the Dark Badger now! I don't know how many.
What's the usual? (Scary music) They're multiplying! Send me everything you've got! Sowho wants a cookie? C'mon, everyone likes cookies.
Mmm Yummy, yummy (Phone rings) (Flustered) Hello? Peter: (On phone) Hello, Terry, it's your brother.
Say hi to the kids for me.
All four of them.
(Laughs maniacally) (Scary music) Oh! Peter: (On phone) What's the matter, Terry? Is it getting hot in there? Perhaps a wizard cast a heat spell to punish you for your misdeeds.
You stay there! Peter: (On phone) Misdeeds! Misdeeds! (Maniacal laugh) (Maniacal laugh) What are you doing? Psychological warfare.
That's my job.
Tell me you brought me a load of Dark Badger.
Of course.
Oh, thank God.
But, if the dark badger you wish to see, first a riddle you must answer me.
Peter: (Maniacal laugh) Damn it.
Can anybody help me solve a very nerdy riddle? You you sir.
This seems right up your alley.
Do you know anything about Dark B- Ahhh! (Scary music) Stop doing that! Bernie You want to pour some coffee? Or, at least, stand next to the machine? - I'm on break.
- Again? It's way too hot to work.
Do you think you could get me a cold drink? Break's over.
Terry, come on.
I'm working two jobs right now.
Technically You're not working any.
Wow.
You're a real slave driver.
I don't know how Peter did it.
Comic guy: I have another riddle for you.
Somebody, I shan't say who, has clogged your toilet with a number two.
Perfect.
(Groans) (Phone rings) Hello? Peter: (On phone) Bathroom troubles? Peter, stop doing this! If you're not going to help me, just leave me alone! Peter: (On phone) Fine, I'll help you.
Have you tried jiggling the handle? (Flames whoosh) Whoa! How is that even possible? Peter: (On phone) What happened? What happened? Fire, Peter! Fire! Peter: (On phone) Cool Is it supposed to do that? Nothing is supposed to do that.
Candi: You better turn around and you better be the super-nerd.
(Laughs) Oh, hilarious.
And let me guess.
You probably make 8.
50 an hour? Que? Don't you guys get it? I don't care that you make more money than me.
As long as I get to insult you all day, I win.
Que? Where are we gonna start with you? You have worse hair than a prison lesbian.
Que? I'm insulting your hair.
No hablo inglais.
Wait.
You don't understand my awesome insults? How am I supposed to hurt your feelings? (Realizing gasp) I've tried everything.
I can't figure out your stupid Dark Badger riddle.
So, unless the answer is actually Dark Badger- Correct, sir! What? Really? Hahaha! Excellent work, young one.
I bestow upon thee The Laurel of Azmaldian.
Well I really do it for the Laurels These comics are all the reward I need.
And now, riddle the second! Spiderman is on a train leaving New York City at 55 miles per hour (Screaming) Nooooooo (Phone rings) (Screaming) Helllloooo? Peter: (On phone) What in the world's wrong, Terry? I can't take it anymore, Peter.
I need you here.
Please come back! Peter: What? You couldn't make it past riddle the second? I can't do- I can't do this.
I can't run the store without you.
Ha! I knew it.
So you'll come back? Uh, not so fast.
There is the matter of the little wage discrepancy? Fine, you get a 25 cent raise.
We're even.
As if I'm gonna take the first offer! All right, how about a ten cent raise? Done! No deal.
Fine.
25 cents it is.
Perfect.
Now, I'm gonna head back inside, you can deal with the riddler here.
See you next year.
Peter: Oh, I won't be long.
I believe I have all the answers to his riddles right here.
Five bucks? He wanted a bribe? Yeah.
It's business, Terry.
It's how things work in the real world.
I'm keeping this.
Candi: Usted blar ropa como un cobarde.
What are you doing? (Gasp) Thank God it's you.
I mean I thought it smelled old in here.
I finally realized just how easy this job is.
Also, I want my full paycheck.
Also, Terry fired me.
You think I'll just take you back? Think you can find a better employee who's an easier target? Welcome back.
You know why dogs like to lick your face, Bernie? Why? Because it looks like their balls.
It's good to have you back.
Fold this.
Peter: There you go.
And that is that.
Terry: Why are they still here? They have the comics.
Are they gonna set me on fire with their minds? Peter: No, but when they form a cluster, it takes more than mere comics to disperse them.
There's a secret known to only those who sit perched behind the comic book counter.
It's a magical, mystical secret.
Get outta here! Or I'll hit you with this broom! Come on! Ya! Ya! A broom.
Well, Peter You were right, I can't run this store without you.
From now on, we make the same, okay? And? And I will put Pete's picks back up.
And? And I bestow upon thee the Laurel of Azmaldian.
And peace returns to the kingdom.
Yes.
And I shall lead us to a new age of prosperity A golden age Where people will look at me as their leader and say Yeah, he is glorious! Terry?