Almost Royal (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

NARRATOR: This is Georgie and Poppy Carlton.
POPPY: Everybody's taking pictures of us.
Georgie Carlton, lovely to meet you.
NARRATOR: They are aristocratic siblings.
78th and 79th in line to the English throne.
GEORGIE: The British are coming and they're looking for a man called Derek.
How do you do? Have you travelled far? NARRATOR: It was their father's dying wish that his children make a royal tour of the United States of America.
-Very exciting, Father! -NARRATOR: A country he loved.
MAN: Die, you American scum! NARRATOR: In order to expand their horizons.
Are you familiar with hard work? -No.
-Yes, I'm familiar with the concept.
NARRATOR: Interact with real Americans.
GEORGIE: What made you want to become a cowboy, Jay? Was it Toy Story 2, or 3? NARRATOR: Learn about their culture (CHEERING) NARRATOR: And give something back.
I hope I don't do a grand jete in these tights.
That did not go down well.
NARRATOR: To the land of the free, and the home of the brave.
Very exciting, about to go into battle.
Oh, God! One, two, three.
-(ALL SHOUT) -GEORGIE: God save the Queen! Thank you so much for having us.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are on America's east coast, visiting arguably the most famous metropolis in the world.
New York City.
GEORGIE: Ah, so this is New York? It's a lot more indoors than I thought it might be.
POPPY: It's like London, but with a ceiling on it! GEORGIE: Oh, marvellous! Quite the Los Angeles of the east coast! GEORGIE: Yeah.
POPPY: Or the Texas of the east coast.
It's very much on the east coast.
NARRATOR: In order to learn more about New York, and what makes real New Yorkers tick GEORGIE: There's a lot of hustle and bustle, which is American for rudeness.
There, we can cross.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie have made their way to Williamsburg in Brooklyn.
Here, they will meet Lilly, a coffee shop barista.
I think we should show them how to make a proper cup of tea.
-Good idea.
-Sort of cultural exchange.
And anyway, people are probably getting really sick of coffee.
Who wants a cup of coffee every single day? No one.
-Let's go.
-Shall we? Yeah, let's go.
Do you ever drink so much coffee that you've just gotten rid of the need to sleep at all? Yeah, I've been there.
Like, a shot of espresso at 6PM and then it's 3AM, and I'm like "Ah, guys! Why aren't you still awake?" Is that why New York is the city that never sleeps? Because everyone likes coffee so much? I think that's coke.
-Coca-Cola? -Coke? Yeah.
No, cocaine.
BOTH: Oh.
Should my little finger be shaking like that? -Yes.
-Is that normal? -Yes.
-Do you ever feel like when you have a little coffee you could just punch through a wall? That's how I feel.
-Yeah.
-Yeah! Are you good enough to work at Starbucks now? Um, that's insulting.
-Why? -Because they don't care as much as I do.
Should we make some tea? Do you You got any tea? Well, I've got to carry some tea around, obviously.
"Never leave England without some tea," that's our motto.
You know, I have an Irish friend who also carries a giant thing of tea with her.
-Oh, really? -Yeah, I hope that doesn't offend you.
We don't normally like the Irish because they're sneaky.
Yeah, they may carry tea, but they carry a lot of other things that you've got to be very careful of.
There's no hallmark on this, Lilly.
Is this silver? Um, that's a demitasse spoon.
I don't know what it's made of, but its sole purpose in life is to stir sugar into your espresso.
Okay, well, has this touched sugar? -Probably.
-Okay, we might Just throw it away.
We don't throw things away, we wash them.
We prefer to just throw things away once we've used them.
And that is why the world is in the state it is in.
Oh, my gosh, I didn't realise it was us.
You're so That's so incredibly wasteful.
That wasn't a good spoon because it wasn't silver.
That's no reason to throw it in the garbage! We're learning things from each other, it's a good cultural exchange.
Yes, I'm learning a lot.
Like if you don't have something good quality, you BOTH: Might as well throw it away.
And fill up the (BEEPING) landfill.
-Oh, my gosh.
-So rude.
Sorry, I'm kind of angry now.
-POPPY: Really? -It's because of all the coffee.
They get quite aggressive in New York sometimes.
I might have a try.
(BEEPING) GEORGIE: (LAUGHS) Got him! NARRATOR: Famous as a cutting edge hub for social media and brand management, Poppy and Georgie have come to midtown Manhattan to visit Likeable.
An online media and marketing specialist.
We're here to meet some social media chaps who do a little bit of work on brand Carlton.
We're going to get logged on and reach out to the great unwashed, as it were.
We're going to become Twitter superstars, whatever that means.
NARRATOR: They're meeting Brian.
-How d'you do, I'm Poppy.
-Who can help them use the internet to connect with common people.
BRIAN: Well, take a seat.
So, we made a Twitter handle for George.
-That's me! -Georgie! -POPPY: Oh my God.
-We went ahead and we followed 10 different people.
Oh, who did you follow? Horse & Hound.
David Cameron! -Oh, lovely.
-Communist.
Dalai Lama has really good news.
What does dead MILF almost a dead GILF, what does that mean? -Uh, MILF? -Yeah.
Um, MILF is a, uh An acronym for a mom I would like to -It's a word that uh -Oh.
Not a good word.
-That's -Brian! What should my first thing be that I say? You can only use 140 characters.
So you're limited in the amount of letters Would you do a quick one, Georgie? You type it.
So this is something funny that happened the other day.
The other morning I went downstairs for my breakfast.
Mother was making toast with her back to me.
BRIAN: You only have 40 characters left.
She turned 'round and got such a fright she dropped her toast and all the toast went on the floor jam side down.
-You've changed that.
-I know.
You've cut out some of the details.
-See here it's short.
-Poppy came in afterwards.
-Mmm-hmm.
-And gave me a fright.
And I stood in the jam on the floor.
-What kind of jam was it? -Raspberry.
Raspberry, that's good.
How 'bout this? This is my first tweet, I can't wait to tell you the story about the raspberry jam.
I think it should be a bit more official.
-Yeah.
-It's such a pleasure to be addressing you, the people of Twitter.
Thanks so much for reading my tweets.
That's a good one.
I'm not gonna hit tweet, I want you to Tweet! I'm going to hit tweet! Do you guys know what a selfie is? -Oh, yeah.
-What is it? We weren't allowed to do that at school.
You can but you'll go blind.
No.
(LAUGHS) So a selfie is not what you think it is.
-You're allowed to do it.
-In America? Anywhere.
So a selfie is when you take a picture of yourself.
Oh, my God! -Just -But then people will know you've done it.
Yeah.
Normally you only have the guilt in the eyes that you can tell No, no, no, no.
Selfie is just a picture.
Nothing else.
-Of what? -Of yourself.
So let's see.
These are pictures of selfies.
-You don't know -(GASPS) Oh, my goodness! There's a fat lady in a bra! -Brian! -You cannot control what is on Twitter.
-That was mainly my eye.
-That's really nice.
So you can share that.
My first selfie, nothing rude.
It means something different in America.
Yeah, lovely, Georgie.
Yay! -Sideways, but it's a good -POPPY: Why am I sideways? Well, that was absolutely marvellous.
It really is fantastic that we can just talk about selfies, and do a selfie without being ashamed of it any more, and having to do it at night by yourself in the cricket pavilion.
I'm going to go straight back to the hotel and do lots of selfies on my own.
Something for the brothers.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are relaxing with a well-earned pedicure in the East Village.
I know that I'm going to take the world by storm as soon as everyone sees "The Poppy Show" they're going to want to follow me around.
Your Twitter is going to be so successful, I think.
-Yeah.
-We should be taking photos of this, really, -and tweeting this.
-Yeah.
GEORGIE: Excuse me! Oh, my gosh, slush city.
Oh, dear, I don't like this much.
Oh, we can cross! Oh, but this I don't know what to do.
-POPPY: In a minute! -GEORGIE: Wait! Wait! -Oh, my gosh.
-So rude! Poppy and Georgie are crossing the road.
NARRATOR: Feeling slightly overwhelmed by New York, and not used to coping without help Jill, this is Poppy and Georgie.
-Georgie, lovely to meet you.
-So nice to meet you.
Poppy and Georgie have arranged to interview a selection of personal assistants.
-Hi, very nice to meet you.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-I'm Marielle, nice to meet you.
-Lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you too.
Please take a seat.
Thank you very much for coming in to see us.
No my pleasure, I'm so excited.
We're looking for an assistant while we're here in the city.
Just got a few questions we'd like to ask to see if you're up to the job, if that's all right.
-Yes, of course.
-Good.
As I approach bedtime, I have a certain ritual.
I'm in my jim jams, I've got my night hat on, I've had my milk, and I'm absolutely ready to go to sleep now.
Yeah.
All tucked in tight, ready to go.
Could you make up a bedtime story if needs be? Absolutely.
Once upon a time, there was A robot.
That Was Very -Your turn.
-Um Stiff.
And really couldn't walk.
So -He died.
-No.
Where do you see yourself in five years' time? I am living so much moment to moment in my life.
-Yeah.
-For many reasons.
And um It is an adventure, and I see the way my life has been.
-Yeah.
-As Just can I stop you there, Doug, sorry, we've just got time limits -Okay.
-On the questions.
A three line story about the hobo who saved Spain.
A kind young hobo From Barcelona.
I think I'm gonna stop there.
I don't want to tell a three line story about a hobo, I'm sorry.
Because it's politically incorrect? -Yeah.
-But he saved Spain! I've got a favourite colour, can you guess what it is? Royal blue.
-Green.
-Pink? Nope.
Sort of in the purples.
-He's very good.
-Yeah, very good.
What would you do if someone was mean to Poppy? 'Cause people are often mean to Poppy.
Oh, I would just like put them in their place.
Like, that's just not acceptable.
I would try and dialogue it out to try and figure out why there was such aggression.
I think it's because of my hair.
That's why a lot of jealousy comes through.
Like it's naturally straight, but I can wear it wavy really easily.
-Sure.
-Yeah, a lot of bounce.
Mmm-hmm.
Could you now make up a bedtime story about the ghost Of Jesus? Well, between you and me, I am the ghost of Jesus.
Now we get quite homesick when we're in America, so one of your roles might be to occasionally do a British accent to make us feel at home.
We've got a British phrase for you to read out there.
That would be nice, thank you.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Go on, darling.
Show us a bit of leg.
Your petticoats have got me all flustered.
Nanny's only gone and forgotten to pack the kipper sandwiches.
Officer, that rascal has nicked my horse and trap.
MAN: Did you hear about Mary? They found her down Smithee Alley all cut up by Jack the Ripper.
What a wanker.
-And proper British it up.
-What a wanker.
Yes, very good.
Thank you very much.
-Thank you very much, Doug.
-That was good, thank you.
Well, that was a little frustrating if I'm honest.
I suppose it was madness to suppose that one American could replace all of Nanny.
I've decided I don't want a Girl Friday any more.
I'm out most Fridays anyway so it would be pointless.
Peter, was it embarrassing when you got a yellow car, and everyone else did as well? NARRATOR: The Carltons have travelled uptown to embrace their more spontaneous sides.
We're here to learn about something called improv.
Which is a bit like a proper play, except they haven't had time to throw a script together or anything.
It's all very scrappy and last minute, a little bit like America's entrance into World War II.
Improvisation is all about coming up with something on the spot, so I'm really good at it.
Just come up with anything, like Something about Something snappy.
Like what NARRATOR: They've come to the Magnet Theater to join an improvisational comedy troupe on stage before a live audience.
Please welcome our good friends, Polly and Georgie! (ALL CHEERING) -Uh, Mr President? -They're laughing already! -I know.
-(ALL LAUGHING) Mr President, um, I think if you just continue with -Me? -Yes.
With your speech, the press will settle down.
You know what to talk about, you know, the war.
-We've got your back.
-I feel like you're dropping me in this a bit.
-Yeah.
-(PEOPLE LAUGHING) Uh, Mr President, a lot of people say that this war that you've started with everyone, uh, is a little irresponsible.
Yeah.
Is there a good reason why you've declared war on everyone? Just 'cause this is America.
(LAUGHING) Grant, uh, I just wanna say, you are just doing amazing on the track team.
-Is that like running? -Yeah, that's like running, and you are -We don't call it that.
-Oh well, whatever you call it.
You just How are you doing it? You know, you're out the gate like nothing else.
Um, when I was younger, I was bullied by the other boys, so I had to be quick and nimble if I wanted to escape a buggering.
(LAUGHING) -Why is everyone laughing? -No, that's good, that's good.
You know, I bugger the boys, and then Do you know what buggering means? No, I Oh, no! Anal sex.
I'm not gonna do that then! You can't 'cause of science.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to crowd your box.
But I'm reviewing this play.
Excuse me.
Is this where I'm to sit? Yes, that's your seat over there.
You sound like our uncle Moonbeam.
-Ah! -Ah! We know old Moonbeam.
-Do you? -Yes.
-He had to leave the family.
-We cut him out.
-Oh, no.
-Oh, no.
That's when he met us.
I just want to thank you for visiting me on the Moon.
I'm so sorry that I was cut off from the rest of the family.
I appreciate your visiting.
-No, he lives in Goa.
-His nickname's Moonbeam.
(ALL LAUGHING) -Oh, I see.
-I assumed you live Okay, that makes more sense.
We take things a little too literally.
-Yes, yes.
-His real name's -BOTH: Humphrey.
-Oh, Humphrey! But he changed his name to Moonbeam, and now he lives in Goa.
But we don't talk about him because he's gay.
It's funny that you brought it up, because how do you think we met Moonbeam? Maybe you were at his parties.
-One of his parties.
-Well, one of his many Welcome to my party in Goa! I'm so happy that you are able to make it.
He's a bit more like (LAUGHING) NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie's last stop is New York Fashion Week.
Famed the world over for its designers and models.
I'm finally making my catwalk debut after just years of people telling me I should really get into modelling.
I really am very, very proud.
I mean, there's nothing a brother wants more than to come to a fashion show and listen to a lot of bra chit chat from a lot of lovely ladies.
This is like when there's a hurricane and they have to move everyone out of their houses and put them in a public area.
NARRATOR: The first stage of Poppy's transformation into a runway model is hair.
POPPY: The golden rule of modelling is looking absolutely gorgeous.
You want to look like the most beautiful version of yourself.
That's looking really, really sexy.
TeKay Designs? I'm missing three models.
Downstairs now! People are running.
We are too late.
Just get her out! It's like when Nanny caught me doing something bad to the puppy.
NARRATOR: Next, Poppy goes into makeup.
Some of the women 'round here who've had their makeup done look like they're in unhealthy relationships but they're scared to leave.
Our mother's very good at makeup, she does it on herself.
Yeah, she's in the theatre, she played Whoopi Goldberg in the local production of Sister Act.
Oh, wow.
Lots of makeup that day.
MODEL: Do you have like any like just gold sparkle powder? I don't want to look weird or anything.
Yeah a little, it's because basically, you're just sticking a massive twig in my head.
-You nervous? -Yeah, really nervous.
Is this your first time walking? It's my first time on the catwalk.
Probably not my last.
NARRATOR: While Poppy is attempting to overcome her natural shyness, Georgie takes his front row seat at the catwalk.
Kept company by a proud Lord Carlton.
Oh, this is my father, but we're waiting for my sister to come out.
That's not her.
You'll be able to tell when it's her, she's really sexy.
Smiling with your eyes.
No seriously, smiling with your eyes.
-Okay? -What do you do? You just walk to the end of the runway? Um, one two, one two GEORGIE: That's not her.
That's not my sister.
Oh, that's her! That's her! That's Poppy! This is my sister! Poppy, hello! Very good, Poppy! Very good! She's the only one who thought to wave.
Hello, Poppy! The friendliest model! Very good, Poppy! That's my sister! I'm very proud.
She likes attention.
-Poppy, you've got to -What? Poppy, you've got to walk back! What did you say? I can't hear you! You've got to walk back! POPPY: Okay.
GEORGIE: Very good, Poppy! Oh, careful with Very good, Poppy! Oh, very good.
NARRATOR: Next time on Almost Royal If I start roasting all your homeboys and then fire? That doesn't sound very friendly.
NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie are in Detroit.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't like you.
I feel like two countries separated by a common language.