Am I Being Unreasonable? (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1
The coat went missing from my house
and I turn up here and you're
wearing my coat. No!
I just get this innate feeling that
she's a massive slag.
I don't understand what your problem
is with her.
I don't know if Nick likes red wine
but I know you do.
She's not into blokes, I know that,
and if she is into blokes, it's just
cos she wants to get to the wife.
You must be Jen's mum. Who?
That's not Jen, that's Katya!
You're not going to answer that!
I have to. Jen!
Stay on the phone, I'll be as quick
as I can. Just stay where you are.
Oh, my God. That's where I
lost my virginity,
in that bush over there.
Toby Fletcher.
His breath always smelt weirdly
like Pritt Sticks.
And afterwards, we went to Prezzo
and the food fell off his fork
but he didn't notice and he still
put the fork in his mouth
and ate nothing.
Fucking idiot.
No, I don't know anything about a
watering can.
Ridiculous question.
They didn't eat
anything for two days,
and then went to the Pizza Hut
buffet.
They managed 72 slices each,
and then the manager said they were
taking the piss and kicked them out.
Shit. That's £1 for
the swear jar, Becca!
Oh, piss off, Kev. £2!
There was nothing in the small print
that said the unlimited buffet was
limited,
cos then it wouldn't be unlimited.
It would be limited.
Don't you think, Becca?
Becca.
I couldn't give a shit, Jo.
£3. Oh, give it a rest, Kev.
What? No, look, if no-one's sticking
to the rules for the swear jar,
it will mean no money to put behind
the bar at pub golf.
Nobody wants to go to pub golf, Kev.
Why? Cos you're going to fucking
be there.
Right, I better do some work before
that twat gets on my case.
I've arranged everything
but you have to be
the one to do it.
Can you just leave us alone?
Hiya, just to let you know,
there's a tin of tomatoes exploded
an Aisle 4
and there's an elderly couple
skating on it like Torvill and Dean.
So, if you could just
Yes, I've done all the chutneys.
That's fantastic. I'm just going to
give those a tick, then, shall I?
Yeah, put two, if you like.
Two, lovely.
Why is she here? You should've
started at half nine.
I know, I was helping a customer.
Well, it better not happen again.
Oh, so you don't want me to help
a customer?
OK, well, you're the manager, mate.
I mean, that seems positively
bonkers to me. Get on with it!
I asked you not to put me on a shift
with her, Gavin, and she's here.
I needed her to cover for Sandra cos
Sandra's grieving for her dog.
Not Pippin. Pippin? Yeah, Pippin.
She loved that dog like a child.
Absolutely.
Poor little thing. Yeah.
No, I'm glad that dog's dead.
Yeah, he was bleeding her dry.
Pippin was her rock!
Pippin's vet bills cost more than
her bungalow, Gavin, I'm sorry.
You can diss anybody in here,
but you diss Pippin, nah!
Listen, if she is here today,
then I want to go home.
You are not going home.
I am short-staffed.
Look at this place. It's heaving!
I can't rearrange the entire
schedule
just cos the pair of you have had
some silly little playground spat.
Get on that bloody till or it'll be
like Christmas Eve 2018 again,
and God knows, none of us need that.
Right, well, wait till HR hears
about this.
Yeah, go on, tell 'em. I will.
Yeah, go on, then. I will.
Yeah, see if I care. I will!
Fucking prick. What?
What?
She said, "You prick."
I heard what she said, Kev!
I will never, ever
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever
give up on you, Becca.
Not too busy on a Sunday, is it?
No, it's really quiet today.
I'm walking the dog later.
Oh, really? Where are you going?
Just just in the park, actually.
Nearest.
A bit muddy.
Yeah, get the wellies on.
Yeah! Yes, it is, yeah.
Oh!
What's happened? Not to worry, it's
just an accident.
What's the matter with you today?
God's sake, they're orgaNick as well!
Go finish off Aisle 2.
I'll sort this out.
Kev!
I am so sorry, sir.
We'll we'll get you some new ones
right away, OK?
Oh.
And I don't want to be a knobhead
about this.
I'm sorry I'm letting you go.
I know it's nearly Christmas and
everything,
but you're a terrible employee.
I feel like you're not
even giving me a chance because
there's a real reason that you
haven't got the balls to tell me
about.
I've given you plenty of chances,
Jen. I'm sorry.
You can't throw that at me.
I've only worked here a couple of
months. Plenty of chances?!
I know, and I can see how bad you
are in a couple of months, love.
Right, and this has got nothing to
do with Becca, has it?
No, you're a liability.
How? What about this threat of a
restraining order? What about that?
I'm not going to think
about Becca.
I'm going to think about myself.
I'm not going to get involved with
anyone's business.
I'm going to put
me and Harry first.
SHE SIGHS
Oh, and I need to do
squats every day
or I'm always going to
have a flat arse.
I know I shouldn't say that cos
I'm the manager but you are
Tickets, please, madam.
Haz, do you need a wee?
No, no.
Just come and try to squeeze one out
before we get off, yeah?
Mum, that's gross! Come on.
Take your bag.
Thank you.
Ticket, please, sir?
Just like Harry Potter
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
On a train for your first day at
your new school.
All right, all right, I'd be in
Gryffindor. Would you? Yep.
Like, the sorting hat wouldn't even
touch my head.
It would just shout, "Gryffindor!"
Gryffindor! Gryffindor!
Gryffindor!
Don't pick that up,
that's not a balloon.
Come on, you excited? All right.
I can't believe
you made me wear this.
All the other kids are literally
going to slaughter me.
Yeah, well, it's either that
or wear one of mine, so
Hi.
Uh, excuse me. Yeah?
It's Harry's first day and we're
running late, obviously.
I can't wait. Yeah, and I've
forgotten the code for the gates.
Oh, right. Do you think you could
let me know what it is?
Um Do you know, I'm not actually
sure I'm allowed to?
OK.
Do you think you could just open it
for us, let us in?
I do feel really bad about this
but I just
I don't want to get anyone into
trouble, you know?
Who are you going to get into
trouble? Sorry.
Sorry.
OK, good luck!
Thanks so much.
Oh, lovely. Good for you!
It's not working.
Oh, are you having problems
with the gate?
It's Harry's first day and 2478.
Sorry, what? 2478.
OK.
Pikachu, got to catch 'em all!
Thank you so much.
No problem.
Ollie, please, can you?
Thanks again. Thank you.
Oh, my God,
she's brilliant.
I mean, she's giving off a really
strong Elton John vibe but
thank you, Elton!
Maybe I should get some sunglasses
like that.
You are Jennifer McKenna, right?
Yeah, that's right.
Just to remind you, this is
temporary emergency accommodation.
You will be here for
however long it takes for more
suitable permanent housing. OK.
Have you got any next of kin as an
emergency contact nearby maybe?
Yeah, my mum. I can
I can write down her details.
Yeah, that would be great.
Really lucky to have found this so
last-minute. Oh, great. Yeah.
Just get that out there.
They did find four mummified budgies
in the back of the freezer.
But don't worry,
I think they've put in a new one.
Toaster, sink there, fridge
OK, great.
Yeah. That, that can go.
We will need to get someone to
remove that, if you don't want it.
OK. Oh, God. What time is it?
I've got to go. I've got a date.
Keys. Oh, thank you.
I wonder what
Elton John's doing now?
Maybe she's thinking about me.
No, Jen, stop.
Shit, I'm going to be late.
All right, here you go.
I'll call you Jennifer.
Well, you can just call me Jen,
if you like.
No, I think Jennifer's better.
Mind your head.
So, Mrs Baggett is quite particular.
Sorry, what's funny?
Oh, nothing. Just
Baggett. No. No, just ignore me.
Anyway, she's really,
really lovely, right?
But she's also very racist.
Oh, hello, Mrs Baggett.
How are you today?
What's all this?
Well, this is Jennifer.
She's she's just doing a trial
with us, with
Where's Katya?
We had that chat last week,
remember? Katya's left.
Oh, has she?
Yes, she's having a baby.
She's rather old for that sort of
thing, isn't she?
Anyway, Jennifer's going to be doing
your cleaning from now on, so
You're not from Poland, are you?
I'm sorry, would that be a problem?
They eat carp for Christmas.
It's only a trial, Mrs Baggett, just
to see how you all get on, yeah?
So, can we come in?
All right, then. So, you want me
to? Yeah, yeah, you go.
OK. Thank you.
I've just had a run round with the
Hoover. See you in an hour, OK?
I don't want anyone thinking I live
in a pigsty. Viv!
And I can't stand a
Continental breakfast.
What sort of lunatic eats meat
and cheese for breakfast?
Clarissa, you know I
have already done that.
Oh, no, no! It's no bother.
Well, yeah, it's no bother cos I've
already done it.
It's completely clean already. Mm?
Don't worry, it's fine.
Is there? Clarissa?
Yeah.
That's your name, isn't it?
Mrs Baggett.
When I lived in Singapore,
Daphne told me that one keeps one's
servants on a very formal basis.
Right, why don't we figure out
a time when you're not here?
Oh, no, no, I'm always here.
Well, I've got to find out
what her name is.
I can't keep calling her Elton John.
OK, so, Ollie.
Do you like curry?
Hmm
It was lovely. Nicola
Peanuts sprinkled all over
the top. Harris.
Oh, God. I can see how this
evening's going to go.
I'm going to end up on her brother's
cousin's Facebook,
looking at photos
from three years ago.
Oh, I do miss those days. They were
very happy days, I must say
What?
Playing mah-jongg with Daphne.
Where's Tippy?
Tippy, Tippy, Tippy, Tippy!
You dirty Bertie!
No, you can't get involved, Jen.
My turn? Your turn.
I would say, I think you might you
might struggle a bit with this one.
Really? God, I can smell
the desperation pouring off of you.
You must be sat on that fucking app
all day, just waiting for a message.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, OK.
You've definitely done
this before.
Whoo!
Come on, what sort of person?
Am I am I famous?
Am I am I an athlete?
An athlete? In bed.
Am I an athlete in bed?
This is what Nicola has
settled for!
I bet you really think you
are, don't you?
An athlete in bed.
Have I said the wrong thing?
What could you have said?
All right, I'm just
I think maybe, shall we?
I don't know.
I'm getting a bit bored of this
game now.
Tom Jones.
I was so right to come
here. He is such a prick.
One second Hang on, what are you
doing? Put it down, put it down.
No, no, no. I just want to see
what's on your head.
It really suits you, actually.
What is this? I just, you know
I just thought everyone might like
to know
that you are a married man
Yeah, I fucking told you that.
Who's been trawling Tinder for a
quick shag
Trawling Tinder? What are you
talking about?
Even though you've got a wife and
a kid at home.
Oops! Fuck's sake!
You fucking psycho!
Oh, I'm a psycho. That's so sweet!
Yeah, you're a psycho!
Dom, it was so great to meet you.
I can't believe you're going.
Fuck off!
Hello! You all right, Dad?
Oh, God, what's that?
What? Oh, Stuart spilt wine on me
over lunch. Idiot.
So annoying.
You've got a wife and
three kids at home but
you've been messaging me on Tinder!
What are you doing, you sicko?
I mean, the rest of it is
good, but I've outdone myself here.
I'm a psycho. That's so
sweet! Yeah, you're a psycho.
Nicola needs to know about
this. I should call her
and tell her. Ugh, Jen, no.
It's three in the morning.
Ah, fuck it!
Hello?
No, I can't tell her now.
We'll go for a nice coffee
somewhere and I'll tell her.
And she'll say, "Oh, Jen, thank you
so much for telling me."
I'll say, "Nick, it's fine."
And she'll say, "Thank you, Jen.
"I would've been stuck in this
relationship if it wasn't for you.
"Oh, my God, Jen.
What did I do before I met you?"
I think we have got pretty
much everything covered,
so you can just join
them, whichever stall you like.
Helen's doing the tombola. Mm-hm.
Nic's on Splat The Rat.
Splat The Rat - that sounds good.
Yeah? Yeah. OK.
I'll let her know
you'll be joining her.
Great.
So is Harry here or is he coming
a bit later with his dad?
Oh, no, he's he's in the loo.
He's probably, er, clogging it
up with a massive shit.
Harry's dad is?
Sorry? Are you with Harry's dad?
What?!
So it's Jen, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry. She said you're Nick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ollie's mum?
Yes. Yeah, that's right.
I know you're not going to judge me.
Yeah?
Do you want some gin?
Oh, yes! I could kiss you!
Don't do that.
Just make it weird.
You're great. I try.
Where have you been?
Just, you know, up the road.
Look, Haz, Nanny's here.
Come in, come in. Hi, Nanny.
How are you, sweetheart? You going
to come and give me a big hug, then?
Erm
Oh, right, right, right.
Too grown-up for that now, eh?
Come on, sit down.
Well, look, I can't stay long.
I've, erm Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You
know, you didn't have to come round.
You could've just phoned or
something. How did you get here?
Well Well, I had to get the bus,
actually Why?
Because John's car's
in the garage, yeah.
Right.
Oh, sorry.
Speak of the devil! Hello?
How can she stand being
married to someone
who cares more about a car
than he does about his own wife?
Yeah, yeah. I will.
Keep going, mate.
Please, John.
Yeah, I will. You know what she's
like. Yeah, OK.
Yeah, yeah. Bye, bye.
That was John. He's, er
Someone has, you know,
they've keyed his car,
you know the MG?
It just keeps happening, doesn't it?
What you trying to say?
Oh, it's just really expensive, Jen,
that's what I'm saying.
You're not just telling me,
you're not saying Jen!
What you actually want to say.
You're the one that's come
round here, so just ask me.
You think I did it?
Do you?
Never believe me anyway.
Oh, wow.
That car looks great.
That garage have done a good job.
Looks good as new.
Oh, well!
OK, see you later.
Goodbye, Katya!
That's not my name.
That would be fanta Erm
Probably the best thing to do
is if I
Oh, God, sorry! Can I call you back
in two seconds?
Nick?
Oh, my God!
You lost your cat? No, I did
lose my cat, found him now.
Oh, great!
Why don't we celebrate?
Hello! Come in!
How are you?
Dan, this is Jen. Jen, this is Dan.
Hi! Hi.
Nice to meet you. Dan.
Well, have a brilliant time at
bowling I'm Jen.
It's getting on a bit, innit?
Shall we just whack a film on?
No, we organised this. I know,
but I'm having my girls' night.
Right, have a good time. Bye!
The Bad Touch
by Bloodhound Gang
One, two, three Ugh!
Hello! All right?
Oh, dear.
Hi! Good time?
Yeah, it was fun, wasn't it?
Nick, could you make up
the bunk in Ollie's room?
Or Jen's going to sleep on the sofa.
I'm not fussy,
I'll sleep on the sofa.
Huh? You all right?
Yeah, no, I'm good.
Just didn't realise they were
staying, that's all.
Thank you, Dan.
OK.
He's so great with the kids,
isn't he?
Good guy.
That's the least he can do.
I do that all the time.
Dan! Dan!
Dan! Dan!
Woo-oo! Dan!
All right? That is good.
Did you like that?
Yeah, it's very good.
We're playing Silly Heads.
Just the right amount.
No, it's Sticky Heads!
Whose idea was it to play this?
It was my idea!
So you know what the rules are?
Course I do.
So am I Tom Jones?
Where would you even get that?
I don't know.
I'm not Tom Jones? Not a million
miles away, though.
I don't know why. For some reason,
I just had Tom Jones in my head.
Am I a man?
You are male.
She's so great.
Don't do that. Why are you doing
that? What are you doing?
What do you mean, what am I doing?
Have you said anything? What are you
talking about? What have I got
to say? Don't quite know what you're
playing at. I'm playing
Sticky Heads, mate. OK, cool.
Viva Las Vegas!
God, there's a fly in here
that's kamikaze!
Gone straight into the bowl
as I was flushing it, Jen.
Right. Wouldn't go
in there for a while.
Mate, we've run out of wine.
Oh, you're kidding!
Yeah. Just found this port, though.
Oh, yes, yes, yes. All right?
Do you know what I really miss?
What? The McRib.
The McRib!
I mean, how dare they?!
Are you OK?
I knew I'd end up crying
at some point this evening.
Do you know, we were actually
going to run away
together that night?
God, that sounds like some
Richard Curtis film.
But the night that Alex died,
we were going to run away together.
And he told me he actually wanted
to have a baby.
Oh, my God, no!
Sorry we woke you.
No, erm that's fine.
Is he OK?
Yeah, he's fine.
Just having a wee before we go.
Good.
Er
I didn't expect
to see you in my house.
Well, yeah, I was shocked
to see you, as well.
Really?
I didn't know this
was your house, no. Really? OK.
What, you think I knew
you lived here?
I'm not a psycho.
Er
Because this is, this, that, this
has never happened before.
Like, I've never done that.
You've never done that?
Like that was a one-
No, I'd never done that before.
This, it was, erm First time?
See I mean, you don't know me,
but I've not
It was a moment of madness,
and I
I don't even know what I was doing.
I don't know. It just didn't really
seem that way, from your profile.
It was quite, er, quite detailed,
wasn't it?
I said I was married, didn't I?
And I was being honest about that.
And I said I was looking for fun.
But that was just being, you know
Yeah? It's nothing to do with you,
to be honest. This is between me
Well, you made it something to do
with me because you messaged me.
I've apologised. I'm sorry.
Let's just move on. Let's not
She doesn't need to know anything,
OK? You don't think Nick needs to
know what her husband's doing
behind her back?
No, I don't think she needs
to know. Personally,
I think Nick deserves a bit
better than that.
Look, what do you want?
What are you doing?
I want you to see the error
of your ways.
Right, you go up.
I can I can see myself out.
OK, great.
Sleep well!
If you're not happy with
Dan, why can't you leave now?
No, I'd never do it to Ollie.
Never.
You have a choice, Nick.
You can do something about it.
This'll be great.
We could just waft around in our
matching coats
like Paris Hilton
and Lindsay Lohan
before they hated each other.
While D
He's just a really boring
bastard!
So definitely D, then.
So here we go.
Roast!
Absolutely.
You all right up there, boys?
What's so funny?
Oh, God.
Of course she fucking cleans here!
We can't have that big TV on.
There's an energy crisis going on.
Hello? I know you're
in here with me.
Hello?
I can hear you. Parp!
I can feel that.
I can feel your pain.
Parp!
Can you see me?
Show yourself to me!
All right, mate?
Where have you been?
Sorry, just been on the phone
to my mum. Had to hang up,
like, eight times.
She wouldn't shut up.
What's this doing out?
Oh, dunno. Maybe
the kids got it out.
That's him.
So, hello.
This is the boring speech.
I am Dan's younger,
better-looking brother.
That's how it all fucking
started on my wedding day.
It's a real privilege
Alex and Dan were so close.
And you don't choose who
you fall in love with.
We tried to break it off,
but we'd always come back
together, like magnets.
Who came back, you or him?
He would always come back.
Well, then, it seems like he was
the one that was instigating things.
And it's his brother
he's doing it to.
I'm not blaming you, Nick.
How could Alex do that
to his own brother?
Bitch!
You've, like, taken sides?!
Gimme my coat! What are you doing?!
What is going on, Nick?!
Hey. Hey.
I want my coat back!
It's not your coat!
Let me look in the pocket, then!
Are you all right?
Did she hurt you?
No, don't. I'm fine.
Look, I tell you what'll cheer you
up. Have you seen this gif?
It's really funny.
A little lizard in a tiny bikini.
Yeah, I've seen it.
All right, well
Ow, shit!
Ugh!
What's going on?!
Katya? You're late!
My name's not sodding Katya, OK?!
Katya went back to
the Czech Republic
cos you're such
a doddery old racist!
Czechoslovakia!
No! Not Czechoslovakia!
It hasn't been Czechoslovakia
since 1993!
Oh, fiddle-poppycock!
Hi, Viv. Just got off
the phone to Mrs Baggot.
Oh, yeah? How was she?
She was distraught, as
I think you probably know.
Really?
Can't think why that would be.
Well, because you destroyed
her hanging baskets.
She must be getting me confused
with Katya.
No, she was not getting
you confused with Katya.
Also, I got your references back.
So that resulted in a very
illuminating phone chat with Gavin.
Don't want to be nasty or anything,
do you know what I mean?
But she's batshit crazy, Viv.
Honestly.
Yeah, well, he's a prick.
He told me all about Rebecca Smith.
You really should have told me
about those complaints
before you filled
in the application form.
It's not exactly the kind
of thing I want to brag about, Viv.
All right. Well, I think you know
what our company policy is.
I think I can guess. So we'll be
needing your polo shirt back.
And if you could wash it to get
rid of the negative energy,
that'd be very much appreciated.
I'm not going to wash the shirt!
Well, if you could wash the shirt
I'm not going to wash the shirt.
Aah!
Not picking up to you, you psycho.
Why you ringing me?
Hey!
F!
Whole Again
by Atomic Kitten
Fuck's sake!
Fucking psycho!
I'm a psycho?!
Yeah, you're a psycho.
That's so sweet!
It was so nice to meet you.
This isn't fun.
And I'm so cold that
I can't even feel my bum. Sh!
Get down!
Hi, can we come in? Nic's not in.
That's all right, we can wait for
Nick, that's fine. Hi, Ollie.
Look, I want to talk
to you about Nick.
I want to know what's going on.
Do you know what's wrong with her?
She annoyed at me or something?
Yes.
OK. And why? Why would that be?
Do you know why?
Well, I mean, yeah,
we've spoken. Right.
Look, Dan, I'm not here for a fight.
I've deleted all the pictures
and the video I took of you.
Oh, aren't you kind?
What have you said?
Yeah.
That's between me and
my wife, innit?
No. Tell me.
Tell me what you said.
Stay on the phone, I'll be as quick
as I can. Stay where you are, OK?
Oh, Becca
You're worried about Leo.
Well, he's getting scared now.
I mean, it's just like,
you know, what's worse is,
he's not getting scared,
he's getting really quiet.
Dan? Mm. Do you think she's OK?
Dan! What if she's dead?!
She's a psycho! What if we have
to look after Harry forever?
Oh, for God's sake, Dan, wake up!
We don't know anything about the
woman, Nick. We know nothing.
I'm going to keep trying her.
Dan, please! Wake up.
Jen!
Becca!
You've got to let me help you.
Please.
I can't. I'm sorry.
Argh!
Fucking
Ow!
Shit!
Ow!
Agh!
Argh!
Ugh!
Ah, shit!