Amandaland (2025) s01e04 Episode Script

1
PHONE ALARM CHIMES
Oh, four new followers.
One DM.
Who's VDV Property Management?
Oh!
George, come on. School!
GanGan's still in there.
There's only one shower!
Mummy, hurry up!
Why are you wearing gloves?
I'm reviewing anti-aging
hand masks for my TikTok.
Are you being paid to do that?
No, it doesn't work like that.
Mummy, please hurry up!
The kids have school and I've
got to be at my co-lab for 9.00.
Well, it's not my fault
you've downsized to a
single-bathroom abode, darling.
Why couldn't you just have a bath
after the school run, Mummy?
No, I'm off out. I need to check
how my new sauna's coming along,
see when I can move back home.
No, Mummy, you said you'd be in
to sign for my new ring light.
Why do you need another one?
One to light my face
and one to light my hands.
Mummy, everyone knows influencing
is 80% lighting.
What's the other 20%? Narcissism?
Can't you get that hunky guy in the
cellar to collect your parcel?
He's not a hunk.
Who uses the word "hunky" anyway?
SHE SIGHS
Can someone help me with this knob?
Yeah, hi, I'm getting a very
expensive ring light delivered
this morning, and my mother
was supposed to wait in for it,
and now she's going out, so can you
be in to sign for it, please?
Yeah, because I'm paid
to be your concierge.
I've got a job, Amanda. Do you not
remember the old school hymn
"When I needed a neighbour,
were you there, were you there?"
But I'm not going to be there
because I've got a job.
Oh, my God, is that Miss Clacy?
Is that even legal
if she's your kid's PE teacher?
Goodbye, Amanda.
Oh!
You've seriously never
heard of a batonnet, Diego?
Yes, it's a carrot stick, you dick.
Oh, here she is! Hi, Amanda!
You know, I still can't believe
our two babbies are an item. Mm.
I'm like the Carole Middleton
to your Queen Camilla.
Anne, at least let me be Lady Di.
Listen, guys, guys - strap in.
Mega gossip download.
Mal is sleeping with Miss Clacy.
Hold on a sec.
Mal is shagging the PE teacher
from Haycroft? Yes.
Surely that's breaking a law?
That is exactly what I said.
I saw them yesterday
canoodling on my front doorstep.
Good for him. She's a ride.
Er, excuse me?
What? She is a ride!
I'm allowed to find
other women rides.
I mean, you said the other day you
thought Mishal Husain off the news
was a ride.
Oh, she IS a ride.
Sh, sh. Here he comes.
Don't say a word, Anne.
Mal, I never knew
you had a girlfriend.
I don't.
Well, what's all this we hear
about you and Miss Clacy?
Thank you, Amanda.
Siobhan's not my girlfriend. She
just stayed over a couple of nights.
Well, things must be getting
fairly serious
if you're at the
staying over stage.
Please no-one ever tell Anne
about chemsex parties.
Don't you think Miss Clacy
is a bit young for you, Mal?
She's nearly 30.
What's the big deal? I am single.
Oh, I remember the last day
I was single.
It was the 19th of April 1993.
The day I met Chris, yeah.
How old were you then? 13.
And before you ask, he was 11. Yeah.
But he actually had the energy
of a 12 and a half year old
so it wasn't that weird.
I'm actually dipping my toe in the
dating pond myself, as it happens.
Yeah, no, he's a property developer
from South Africa,
and he lives in Wapping now.
And, yeah, we've been
sliding into each other's DMs.
Well, you need to watch yourself
out there, Amanda. Yeah?
Because I've listened to
that podcast Sweet Bobby Oh, God!
Not everyone is a Tinder swindler.
I mean, if I was a frumpy Mary,
yeah, I would be suspicious,
but rich men fall for attractive
women all the time.
It's perfectly natural.
Watch out! Ball! Ooh!
LAUGHTER
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
You think that's clever?
Oh, lighten up, Anne.
Are you coming for a bacon sarnie
after, Mands?
Oh, Fi, I've got to go to
the DHL depot in Heathrow
to retrieve my ring light
before it gets sent back to China.
A ring light lights your ring,
right?
No, Fi. My mother was supposed to
be in when it was delivered
but she's just out now,
spunking my inheritance
on brunches and saunas and
God knows what else she gets up to.
I think it's great your mum's
got a social life.
Yeah, but she's really cagey
about it.
Well, maybe she's taken a lover too.
As if!
Why not? She's a handsome woman.
Oh, my God!
Do you think my mother is hot?
100%. Helen Mirren vibes.
Oh, that's funny. People often say
I'm like a young Mirren.
People often say I look like
a young Gloria Hunniford.
Oh, now that, I get.
No, wait, hang on, hang on. I just
need to get eyes on Darius. Hang on.
I've just installed a tracker
on him.
Oh.
Well, that's very FBI of you, Anne.
Well, look, it's dead easy.
I just took one of those Bluetooth
fobs and I sewed it into his jacket.
No, they're really great, those.
I've got one on my keys.
Where are my keys?
Nah. I'm not microchipping them
like they're cats.
You've got to trust your kid,
you know?
What if something awful
happens to Morten?
What if she falls down, like,
a manhole or something?
Anne, I've never heard of anyone
falling down a manhole.
Well, excuse me,
but I had a cousin who fell through
a trap door into a pub cellar
because they didn't lock it properly
after a Guinness delivery.
But he was given Six Nations tickets
as a compensation.
Anne, there is nothing in that story
I can relate to.
Fallowfoam Oil Balm.
Skin so soft.
Brandi Saxon Hand Serum.
Gorgeous texture, smells incredible.
Obsessed, obsessed, obsessed,
obsessed.
Posturefoam hand balm.
It's so nourishing.
And organic.
Smells so yummy, so hydrating.
Obsessed, obsessed, obsessed,
obsessed.
No, no, no, you take the gorge
and I'll take the castle.
Oh, God. Manus.
Are you looking where they're going?
Manus. Manus! Manus!
Darling, there is
a Kyiv for you and GanGan.
Will you help her
with the air fryer?
Because she won't have a clue
how to use it.
Oh, there you are!
You were supposed to be back
at 7.00, Mummy. I need to leave.
Well, I'm here now, aren't I?
Where have you been all day, anyway?
What is this,
the Spanish Inquisition?
Oh, God, it's been years
since I've been on a proper date.
Is it too much?
You look tiptop.
Now, two bits of advice.
Yeah?
One -
don't tell him you have kids.
Men run a mile.
I realised quickly that it was best
to keep that under my hat.
Me.
Me under your hat, Mummy.
And number two - check his
wedding ring finger for an indent.
He's not married, Mummy.
Darling, they never are.
HORN HONKS
That's my taxi. Wish me luck.
Bye, sweetheart.
Manus.
Manus. Manus? Manus, darling. Manus!
Manus!
Darling, how about I teach you to
mix a daiquiri this evening?
Oh!
Hi.
Howzit, Amanda from Sensuous?
SenUous.
And you must be Johannes
from Johannes Van Der Velde
Property Management Limited.
Ja. Look at you, girl.
Mm-mm! You ain't too bad yourself.
HE CHUCKLES
By the way, I can't believe you
booked us a table at Double Shin.
I was actually a guest of honour
at the soft opening a few weeks ago.
The owner's a dear, dear friend
of mine. Della Fry.
Ah, I've never heard of her.
I booked this place cos it was
the only restaurant in the area
that wasn't a chicken shop
or attached to a bowling alley.
Shall we?
Hi.
Hey.
Do you guys have a reservation?
Ja.
Van Der Velde at 7.30.
Is Della in tonight?
Ja. Della Fry is in every night.
I knew that.
Um, could we pop back and say hi?
If you just tell her it's Amanda.
No. Sorry, she's busy.
Oh, that's fine.
Hello!
Della! Della!
Hey.
She's so great.
OK.
Thank you so much.
Della! There she is!
Hello.
I'd love you to meet
Johannes.
I'm trying to seduce
your smoking hot friend.
Well, I'm sure that won't be hard.
Shall I show you to your seats?
What table are they at, Sandy?
Table 14.
Great, great. Which one's 14?
Toilet table.
Oh, yeah, good.
OK, follow me.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Thank you. This is lovely.
What do you want to watch? Saltburn?
Mm. OK.
Who wants a hotty choccy?
No. Go away.
Er, Georgina, you couldn't give me
a hand with my necklace, could you?
I had to take it off earlier
for my mammogram.
That's my mother's engagement ring.
I hope that one day Darius will
give it to his one true love.
It doesn't fit me any more
after my hands swelled
after having the twins.
Would you like to give it
a go there, Georgie?
Let's, erm, let's go
and play table tennis. Yeah.
Ah.
Saltburn?
Give it a go.
And a glass of the, erm,
Morgenhof Estate, please.
Thank you.
I actually went to school
with the guy who owns the vineyard,
Jonty Morgenhof.
Lovely.
Er, can I be honest with you?
Yes.
I was kind of worried
that you wouldn't look as hot IRL
as you do on your socials.
Like, you might be a total dog.
But you are insanely hot, Amanda!
Oh! And if this is all
tweaks and fillers, I don't care.
No, it's all au naturel-ish.
Thanks.
Erm, cheers!
Cheers!
Olive?
Nah.
I'm avoiding brine at the moment.
High blood pressure.
Oh.
Mm.
I saw you looking at my ring finger.
OK. Nosey birdy.
Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet!
Drum roll, please.
What?
I said drum roll, please!
OK!
Tada! See, look - no ring!
OBJECT CLATTERS
Oh, shit, my wedding ring.
HE CHUCKLES I'm kidding!
It's my signet ring, Amanda.
I was winding you up!
Look, it goes on my pinky.
I'm not married, Amanda!
OK, OK!
And before you ask, no,
I don't usually DM pretty chicks
and no, I don't live with my mother.
I'm quite a simple guy.
I'm filthy rich, I never married,
I've never had kids.
Are you gay?
THEY CHUCKLE
Girl, I just drove all the way
to South Harlesden
to kiss a total hottie.
Of course I'm not gay.
Well who says we're going to kiss?
HE YELLS IN FRIGH
Oh!
Mother, go in!
Sorry, that's my mother.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. That's so embarrassing.
I can see where you got your looks.
She must've been young
when she had you.
Shall we stop talking about
my mother?
Cos it's sort of killing the mood.
Ja.
PHONE RINGS
Sorry. I'm just going to
I will just put this on silent.
Sorry! There we go. Sorry.
Actually, I will
I should probably take it because
it might be about my daughter.
You have a kid?
Yes, erm, two.
Brilliant. I love kids.
What is it Anne?
Oh, hi.
Do you have eyes on Darius?
Because he was supposed to be
walking Georgie home,
and I'm looking on the tracker here,
and he's been out there
a good 15 minutes.
You wouldn't put my mind at rest and
just check any drains or manholes?
Oh, shit!
They're here, yes. Yes, he's here.
WHISPERS: Get down!
I'll send him home, Anne. Bye!
Do you think they saw us?
No ways.
They were too busy
playing tonsil hockey themselves.
I'm going to have to pretend
that you're my Uber driver
because I do not want my daughter
to know that OK, no problem.
I love a bit of role play.
Thank you, Uber driver.
Five stars.
You'd better give me a big tip.
HORN HONKS
All right, guys. Party's over.
Wait, Georgie,
what's that on your neck?
Oh, my God, is that a love bite?
Oh, please! Inside!
You can talk.
You were just making out
with a drug dealer.
Oh, my God! He's not a drug dealer.
If you must know, I was on a date.
And it's kind of casual, but, yeah,
he's really great, so
Erm, maybe we could go on
a double date together.
Yeah, that could be fun.
I was joking.
Yeah, no, so was I joking!
Darius, go home! Shoo!
Oh, somebody looks like the cat
that's got the cream.
WHISPERS: Sh, keep your voice down.
Kids.
I hope he didn't make you go Dutch
or something ghastly.
No, he was the perfect gentleman.
He paid for everything,
and he didn't mind that I had kids.
And no sign of a wedding ring,
so I think I hit the jackpot, Mummy.
Good for you.
Sex shouldn't stop
when you get older.
It's a very important part of life.
Right, can I use the ablutions
or is there another rush hour?
Just put the mat down, Mummy.
Love you too.
Bye.
Why would you want to suck
someone's neck till it gets bruised?
Oh, we all went through
the love bite phase.
It doesn't really last that long,
but God, it's intense.
You'll miss love bites
when they're gone.
It's like a reverse horror movie,
When the neck sucking stops,
what are they sucking next?
Here, how's your mum's back, Mands?
Fine. I mean, she's got scoliosis
from years of looking down
on people. Why?
She, er, cancelled brunch this
morning for an
emergency chiropractor appointment.
What?!
She told me she was going to
the V&A. She's so sneaky!
You know, I found a brand-new
pair of men's pyjamas
stashed under her bed. I think
it's great that she's getting laid.
Why is she keeping it a secret?
Maybe she doesn't want
everyone to know about it.
Speaking of which, how's it going
with your new boyfriend?
Anne!
Shut up! Maybe I don't want
everyone to know either!
But since you asked,
it's going really well, thank you.
Yeah, we're going up to
his penthouse tonight, actually.
Oh!
Look how big his balcony is!
Jeez!
The guy really likes his emojis.
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
I didn't say anything
was wrong with that.
Do you not send Miss Clacy emojis?
No! We just send each other
voice notes. Oh, God.
Yeah. I told you she's too young
for you. What?
It's just a phone call
that you do one side at a time.
So you guys are going proper steady
now? Have you told the kiddos?
No, because that would be crazy, Fi.
But at this rate,
it probably won't be long.
Have you told Ned
about Miss Clacy yet?
Noooooo!
You know, it's a very
loose arrangement,
and obviously she's his teacher.
Plus she's closer in age to Ned
than you.
Age ain't nothing but a number.
You know who wrote that song?
Yeah, I know.
Who wrote that song?
R Kelly.
Your Kelly wrote that?
Fair play to her.
And then he goes dancing round
the stately home
naked as the day he was born,
and I should know, because I was
there the day he was born. Yeah.
His mammy was on the same ward as
Sinead when she was having Michael.
So that's the second time now
I've seen Barry Keoghan's mickey.
Lads, look, sorry, I just
I wanted to introduce you
to the Irish contingent.
Hiya!
Hey!
Pat, this is Georgie.
How are you, Georgie?
Darius' lovely girlfriend.
You're all going to love her.
And, Georgie, this is Pat
Hiya!
..Lorraine
Hey, Georgie!
..Pat, and her husband Edgar.
Hiya.
And then there's Pat, Pat, Lisa,
Pat, and her daughter Saoirse
VARIOUS GREETINGS
..and that's my other sister, Pat
Hiya!
..and her husband Pat.
How are you going, Anne?
Oh! Finn! Eoin!
Do you want to talk to your aunties?
Right. I'll leave you to it.
Darius, we need to talk.
Drink in that view!
Ja.
Wow!
You can see all the way to the
Rotherhithe Tunnel
that takes the A101
under the Thames.
Ja!
Please.
Oh, God, it's so nice to share
this massive balcony with someone.
It's so peaceful.
Ja.
LOUD CLUNK, WHIRRING Christ!
Oh, that's just the air conditioning
unit for the building. OK.
SHOUTING: I'm so used to it
I don't even hear it any more.
Don't worry,
it doesn't last very long.
NORMAL VOLUME: See?
It's stopped now. OK!
SHE CHUCKLES
Champagne?
Oh, lovely. Thank you.
Where's Georgie?
She dumped me, Mum.
She what?!
I don't know what I did wrong.
AIR CONDITIONER WHIRS LOUDLY
Ah, this view is incredible,
isn't it?
AIR CONDITIONER STOPS
I love coming out here
and just forgetting all my problems.
Oh, that'd be nice.
You OK? Share your burden.
I'm a terrific listener.
Oh, no, it's just my mother. Yeah.
Ah, shame. Is she OK?
Yeah. She's been acting
really weirdly lately.
I mean, I think she's got
a boyfriend, but I just
I don't know why
she's not telling me, so
Very boring, sorry.
It's probably nothing at all.
No, no, look. I don't want to
put the shits up you -
I mean, I can think of some other
things I'd like to put up you -
but No, you're right
to be worried,
because my mother was actually
catfished back in Joburg.
Oh, my God!
She was actually catfished twice.
The first time she was catfished
was an actual catfish attack.
But the second time
she was catfished was by
a very naughty gentleman from the
internet Oh, gosh!
..who persuaded her to buy him lots
of gifts like expensive holidays
AIR CONDITIONER WHIRS LOUDLY
..AND A PATEK PHILLIPE WATCH.
SORRY?
A PATEK PHILIPPE WATCH.
DID YOU SAY WATCH?
JA! A PATEK PHILIPPE WATCH.
AIR CONDITIONER STOPS
The whole saga really knocked
my poor mother's confidence.
Elderly women are very vulnerable.
PHONE RINGS Oh.
Sorry.
That's OK.
I'll just be two seconds.
Anne, if this is about Darius
being outside my house,
I'm not there right now.
It's awful!
They've broken up.
Darius and Georgie. They've split.
Oh, God, Anne, you made it
sound like something really bad
had happened.
It is something bad!
Darius is in a terrible state,
and Georgie's probably heartbroken.
OK. Thanks for letting me know,
Anne.
Yep. Bye.
Sorry, it's fine.
Oh, lovely! Thank you.
Mm.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
AIR CONDITIONER WHIRS LOUDLY
Oh, Christ!
I'M JOHANNES, I'M SORRY,
I JUST
I CAN'T RELAX.
I THINK I'VE GOT TO GO HOME.
YOU'RE GOING?
YEAH. I
IT'S MY DAUGHTER'S FIRS
PROPER BOYFRIEND,
AND I JUST FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT TO
BE HOME TO COMFORT HER.
WHAT?
LET'S DO LUNCH ON MONDAY.
I'LL CALL YOU.
OK!
I'LL CALL YOU.
Georgie, are you upstairs?
Oh, Morten!
Darling, it's all right.
I'm here now.
Sweetheart,
why didn't you answer your phone?
Ugh, Darius' mum called me,
like, 30 times, so I turned it off.
His mum was just really full-on.
She introduced Georgie to literally
his entire family.
God.
Sorry, did we mess up your date?
It wasn't a date. I'm not dating.
As long as you're all right.
Is it cool if Morten stays
for a sleepover?
Totes! Yeah. Just text your mums,
let them know you're here.
Oh, yeah, no.
Della knows where I am.
She has a tracking key ring on me
anyway. Oh!
But don't tell Fi
cos she will have a breakdown.
Can you leave now?
OK. I'll go.
Oh, Mummy, you're back!
How was your date?
Er it was cut short.
Georgie and Darius broke up, but she
seems surprisingly fine about it.
Well, women have to be resilient.
Right, just off for my bath.
How was your day?
Fine, yes.
How's your back?
Fine.
Although I look forward
to not sleeping on a sofa bed.
PHONE CHIMES
All right, big man, be good.
I'll see you in a bit, then.
MUSIC: Goodbye My Lover
by James Blunt
You all right Anne?
Not really.
I'm getting over a break-up.
God. No, not you and Chris?
No. No, no, no.
Darius and Georgie.
Oh!
It's my first experience
of being dumped.
I thought I did everything right,
you know.
I introduced her to all the Pats,
I shared our family recipes,
I insisted on her calling me
mammy
Whoa!
OK, no offence, Anne,
but that would make me run a mile.
Really?
Oh, God.
It wasn't him, it was me.
I'm the reason we broke up.
Erm I can fix this.
Yeah, OK,
I don't think the solution here
is for you to get more involved.
But maybe next time
Darius has a girlfriend,
you give them some space.
Absolutely. Yeah. Space. Yeah.
Oh, you're really good at this.
How's everything going with you
and Miss Clacy?
Oh
..I think I'm going to call it
a day. She's too young for me.
If this is cos of what the others
were saying,
just, like, don't listen to them.
She's too young for me.
She's too young for you. Yeah.
Move it! Action stations.
You're so late. Go, go, go!
Love you!
Have a wonderful day at work,
darling.
It's a co-lab.
Bye!
Hi, you OK?
Hi, Daniel.
Hiya. Erm, I'm going to be
a little bit late this morning.
What? Erm, something's happened
to my mother.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Er, God, I'm sorry Amanda! ..the
reception's absolutely appalling.
I'm going to have to
I need you to man the shop!
PHONE RINGS
Hi!
Hey, babe.
I'm just checking you like shrimp.
I'm putting together a little picnic
for our date later.
Oh, God! Erm, Johannes, er,
I'm so sorry,
I don't think I'm going to make it.
I've actually got to
go check on my mother.
Oh. OK.
Sure. Yeah, absolutely.
No, you should definitely
go and do that.
Erm, oh, wait, yeah.
Johannes, wait, listen,
er, Johannes er,
look, you are a great guy.
But honestly, between my mother
and my kids and my co-lab
and all the other shit
life's throwing at me,
I'm not sure I have the bandwidth
for a proper relationship.
Oh.
Shame.
Yeah.
No, I totally get it.
OK, great, well
Well, shall we put a pin in it
and maybe circle back
when things are a bit less crazy?
Ja. Ja, sure, sure.
OK, well, er,
listen, Amanda, you take care.
Bye, Johannes. All the best.
"All the best." Ouch.
Hello, Mummy.
Hello, Daddy.
Felicity!
No, darling. I'm Felicity.
This is Amanda.
Oh, yes. Of course you are.
Nice pyjamas, Daddy.
The driver says he's
two minutes away.
How did you even know I was here?
Because, Mummy,
I was worried about you,
so I put a tracker in your handbag.
Well!
Aren't you Magnum PI?
Are you going to tell me
why you've been seeing him?
Because I feel sorry for him, OK?
And because none of his other wives
ever visit him. And
Look, I know he could be
an absolute rotter at times
Yes, he left us, Mummy.
He was the love of my life, Amanda.
So what are you going to do?
Can I give you a lift?
AMANDA SIGHS
After you, Mummy.
SOBBING
Darius got with another girl.
Oh, George!
Only me! Who wants lemonade?
Yum! This is delicious, Mrs A.
Oh, don't be so formal.
Call me Mammy.
Listen, my darling. There's a reason
it didn't work out with this boy.
And one day, you'll meet someone,
and you'll fall completely
head over heels.
And it'll be worth it.
Because when you know, you know.
And if you don't know,
then he's not the man for you.
Thanks, GanGan.
Mm.
Mum, can we get some ice cream?
Course.
Mummy, that's so lovely of you to
say all that, and you're so right.
I felt exactly
No, not you.
No, at your age,
you need to take what you can get.
You're not a teenager.
No, after my divorce,
talk about slim pickings.
All the good ones were married.
All the single ones were weirdos.
Widowers were like hen's teeth.
You know, once you get into
your 60s,
the sex definitely picks up a bit,
but it's a barren,
barren desert until then.
Mummy, do you mind if I pop out
for an hour?
Oh, go for it.
JOHANNES: Yeah! Oh, my God Amanda,
your hands are so soft!
Ja! Oh, ja! Ja!