American Dad s01e04 Episode Script

Good morning, U.
S.
A.
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day The sun in the sky has a smile on his face And he's shining a salute to the American race Oh, boy it's swell to say Good morning, U.
S.
A.
Good morning, U.
S.
A.
- Shoot him! Shoot him! Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster.
Don't trust him! He just pretends to eat cookies, but he never swallows anything.
Good morning.
Francine, your negligee is see-through.
Unfortunately, you are not.
Oh, Stan, doesn't today have some special significance for you? Today? Wait! - Is today the 14th? - Yes.
Yes, it is.
Good God! How could I forget a date so dear to my heart? It's the big C.
I.
A.
Fishing trip.
You're gonna do the laundry anyway, right? Hmm! No time to poop.
I'll just do it on the way down the stairs.
You're gonna vacuum anyway, right? See you, Mom.
I'm going to the mall to try and figure out how the piano store stays in business.
Hold up, Steve.
I'm going with.
Whoa, Roger.
You know you can't leave the house.
- Everyone else gets to.
- Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they? Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.
I just can't believe Stan forgot our anniversary.
- I would never forget our anniversary.
- We have an anniversary? October 25, the day you forgot to put on underpants.
Let's celebrate early.
Quick! Straddle mein bowl.
Hayley, do Mommy a favor and put on something less revealing.
There is nothing inappropriate about this outfit.
Not if you're gonna spend the weekend tinkling on Bob Guccione.
Oh, God, Mom.
Were you ever cool? Oh, yeah, Hayley? Well, I pity the fool who thinks I'm uncool.
Get it? I was making a Dr.
"T" reference.
Hey, Hayley, guess where I'm taking you this weekend.
Burning man It's this awesome celebration where they burn this huge wooden man.
It's all about life, love and the power of community.
No, it's all about a bunch of naked morons drinking and doing lots of drugs.
- What are we, 12? - Wait.
Before you decide- This is a microcosm of the power that is Burning Man.
Imagine this, but 70 feet tall.
Ah, nothing like the great outdoors.
Who's ready to do some fishing? Yeah, yeah! Let's go fish! Yeah.
This is Cast Master One.
Bring in air support.
Look, it's Ariel.
- Hey, Jackson, you ever do it with a dead mermaid? - Mermaid? No.
Oh, my God.
Lindsay Coolidge.
Could she be any sexier? Gross! She'd never do that, Toshi.
Besides, where are we gonna get a dozen Ping-Pong balls? Hey, Steve, she's coming this way.
Ask her out- unless you're afraid.
You forget yourself, Snot.
Steve Smith is never afraid.
I'm Steve Smith.
Would you like to go out with me? - I'd love to.
- Really? On one condition.
You gotta find a date for my friend Jewel.
- No problem.
- Here she comes now.
Hey, Jewel, Steve here is gonna set you up on a date.
Jewel, I'd like you to meet my friends.
Godzilla! I can't believe that Dummkopf didn't remember your anniversary.
And after what happened last year- Oh, that was classic.
That jerk forgot our anniversary! - Keep her away from me! - Aah! Okay, okay.
I'm cool.
Ach, ja.
! This is my favorite part.
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes! He could never forget a beating like that.
I'm sure he's just waiting for the perfect time to surprise me.
After all, our anniversary isn't over till midnight.
This midnight fishing is great.
Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.
Yeah, I'm, uh, laying low.
Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.
- Yeah? What about? - Oh, I forgot our anniversary.
I'm never gonna do that again.
I- Uh- Ahh! There it is.
Oh, good.
You're up.
I, uh, have a special anniversary surprise for you.
Your favorite song sung by America's sweetheart, Whitney Houston.
Come on, daddy.
I- I need my fix.
Remember the deal, Whitney.
First you sing, then you get your precious cocaine.
How dare you! Do you think I would- Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
Come on, Whitney.
Go get it.
What a performer.
Well, let's turn in.
You know what? If you don't get why this day is so important to me, I guess you never will.
Sweetie, I made a mistake.
Can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and just let it go? No! This is the most inconsiderate thing you've ever done.
I am never going to forget this.
I was afraid you were gonna say that- which is why I got you this card.
Open it.
I promise it'll make everything better.
There's nothing that could- Oh.
Thank God for top-secret C.
I.
A.
Technology.
Just lose the last 20 hours of her memory.
- That ought to get me out of the doghouse.
- Francine? - Francine, can you hear me? - Don't kick me out.
The bouncer said I could, like, totally meet Def Leppard.
- Def Leppard? - Francine, what year is it? Duh.
1985.
Hey, anybody got some gum? I wanna get the taste of roadie out of my mouth.
- Why the hell does my wife think it's 1985? - Huh.
Instead of erasing the last 20 hours I must have erased the last 20 years.
Oh, I guess this is the dial for hours and this is the dial for years.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The last 20 years of your wife's memory have been erased.
Well, go ahead and undo it.
Reverse brain erasing? Now that's just science fiction.
Kind of like the female orgasm.
Oh, that's great.
You gotta do stand-up.
You gotta.
You're great.
You know, you're not the first person who's told me that.
I bet I'm not.
I bet I'm not.
Anyway, Stan, the procedure is irreversible.
- You're kidding.
- Fraid not.
But if you do figure something out, let us know and we'll name the discovery after you- like they did forJohnny Flyswatter or Doug Reach-Around.
You permanently erased Mom's memory? Well, that's just what the experts at the lab say but there's no way she could ever forget me.
I mean, who could forget this? Or this? Or these? Go on, kids, give 'em a squeeze.
- It's not weird.
I'm your dad.
- She's coming to.
One look at me and her memories of our love will come flooding back.
Narc! Narc! What? What? Oh, God, is there a bee on me? Oh! Does it look Africanized? Hey, baby.
Mom.
You idiot.
Why would you do that? I thought it was like the hiccups.
Okay, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
Maybe we should watch the video.
Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi.
I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman.
You might not remember me from such movies as While You Were Sleeping and Twister.
Wait.
Was I in Twister? No.
No, that was Bill Paxton.
See? Memory can be pretty tricky so that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them their brain will implode.
Good luck.
I'm Bill Pullman.
Oh, oh! I was also in Independence D- Jeff Daniels is right.
We have to maintain the illusion that your mother is still 18 or it's going to get very messy in there.
- So what do we do? - Well, when she was 18, she lived in West Langley so we need to get her back into her old apartment.
Hayley, you can keep an eye on her by being her roommate.
What? I don't want to live with Mom.
Besides, I'm sure someone lives there.
Good day, ma'am.
I'm a friend of your child.
He or she has asked me to take you - to a wonderful retirement home.
- How lovely.
- Right in here, ma'am.
- Oh, you're such a nice young- Hello? Am I supposed to vote now? Please, Pete? Lindsay won't go out with me unless I find a date for her friend.
She's not that bad-looking- and besides, you're blind.
Come on.
You went to the Winter Ball with that guy.
Yes, it was a guy.
Hello? It's like there's not a human being alive that would go out with that girl.
Hello.
Who are you? Uh, Hayley, your new roommate.
- Oh, right.
I must have blacked out.
- Wait a second.
You party? Totally.
I need a shower.
- Great Grizzly Adams.
Who fired the gardener? Unbelievable.
How did she ever hook up with a stiff like Dad? I'll tell you how she hooked up with a stiff like me.
It was 20 years ago.
I didn't normally pick up transients, but for her I made an exception.
Her T-shirt said "Bad Girl" and her eyes said, "Read the T-shirt.
" My God, she was beautiful.
She was cold to me, but I was hot for her- which explained the moderate temperature in the car.
And then, fate scampered across the road.
It was on a slow train to Death City so I asked the conductor ifhe could skip the next few stops to make up- Oh, I shot it in the eye.
She said it was the most compassionate act she'd ever witnessed- and I got to kill something.
It was a magical moment.
Well, there you go.
If you want Francine back, just recreate that moment.
Roger, you're a genius! That's how I'll bring back her memory.
You just gave me my reach-around.
Hey, old lady, party! Wow.
This is Upstanding Conservative to Dirty Liberal.
Drop point ahead.
Can you check the back tire? The car is riding kind of low.
What the hell? You crazy bitch! I love you! You got me.
Game on.
- Need a ride? - Thanks, pops.
Hey, are you, like, a narc? I feel like I've seen you somewhere before.
- Nope, first time we've met, Francine.
- What? - Nothing.
Stick of your favorite gum? - What? Nothing.
Look out! Oh, sweet masked bandit of nature let me put you out of your misery.
Actually, I don't think you hit it.
No, he's suffering- pure agony.
Oh, my God! Stop! What, are you crazy? Crazy with compassion.
Come on.
Watch me blow its head off.
Die! Die! So that you may know peace.
- Truck! Stop the car, you psychopath! Oh, God! Raccoon! No, I'm never coming home.
Because you're smothering me, Linda.
I was wrong.
I'll be home by 9:00.
Because I promised Derek I'd meet him for a drink.
That's why 9:00! And let the love come flowing back.
Stay away from me! This is great.
By the way, great call on this Rasta disguise, Steve.
I'm "ganja" wear it all the time.
Hey, Steve, is this your friend? Yeah.
Lindsay, this is Roger.
- Nice to meet you.
- Charmed.
- And this is Jewel.
- Your date.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I'm out.
I'm out.
Ew! Ew! Hey, we had a deal.
Steve, she's so ugly.
So ugly.
Too bad.
I snuck you out so you could be my wingman.
Now you can make nice with Jewel - or you can go home and rot in the attic.
- Uh, Steve "Jamaican" me crazy.
Sorry.
I've had that one loaded up all night.
Ahh.
This picture was taken on our honeymoon.
It's the only photo of Francine where you can't see Vaj.
Ah, Vaj- the little island boy who served as our tour guide.
I see from her wristband that you were at a Sandals all-inclusive resort.
Hmm! Fancy.
Wait a minute.
I know just the thing to trigger her memory.
Hayley, I thought we were going to- Burning Man Sorry, but my mom decided to throw a rager.
Besides, Jeff, I never said I was going.
Party foul! Consume! I had this boyfriend.
He was in an avalanche.
He survived three days on melted snow and his grandfather found him because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
Wow! You had a boyfriend? Oh, you have- You have a little thing.
Oh, Roger, stop it.
- I don't have a hard time looking at you.
- At me? I can see past your hydrocephalic head and into your beautiful mind.
You're like Russell Crowe, and I'm Jennifer Connelly.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're Jennifer Connelly.
Uncomfortable.
Get a room, you two.
Maybe we should lead by example.
Or we could just go back to your place and make out.
Yeah, okay, I understand.
Well, I had a fun time anyway.
See you at school.
Huh? Okay! - Hayley, where's your mother? - Last time I saw her she was in the kitchen - serving up body shots.
- What a hostess.
- She's not here.
- There's a note in frosting on the fridge.
"Hayley- Me and Jeff went to Burning Man together.
Rock on, Francine.
" My mother stole my boyfriend! Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other.
Wait a minute.
Daddy didn't think that through.
The sandman's starting to goose me.
Here.
Have some coffee.
- Klaus! - When you come home und pack I heard you and Hayley talking about this Burning Man so I says to mein self, "Road trip!" Stan, by the way, I could not hold mein pee-pee.
Honestly, I only went out with you to getJewel a date - but you're a lot less of a dork than I thought.
- Stick around.
I think you'll find I'm a lot less of everything.
You can do whatever you want to me.
Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of Raiders? So funny.
Kiss me, funny boy.
I know, I know.
Bad for the ozone.
Yeah, Burning Man is great this year.
Ow! Ow! Dad, we've been searching all night.
Let's just start fresh in the morning.
Francine? Francine? I'm not just saying this to be clever- I really feel like a fish out of water here.
What's the deal with the flower? On our wedding day, I placed this yellow flower in your mom's white bouquet.
It symbolized her sunshine brightening my otherwise cloudy world.
Dad, I've never seen this side of you.
It's so sweet.
Well, if you tell anybody I'll kill you.
Ah.
I'm serious.
I will kill you.
I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart and eat it- all of it, every last bit.
Well, sweet dreams, angel.
l-It's not you.
It's the timing, you know? I just got out of a bad relationship.
You're lying.
I'm a loser.
Don't be like that.
You're not a loser.
Think how pretty you make people look by contrast.
That's a gift.
Gotcha! Oh, my God! You're an alien! Oh, my God.
! Lindsay.
! Lindsay.
! - Roger is an ali- - Roger! - She was all over me, and my wig fell off - and we'd be in big trouble.
Did you see where they went? - Who? - The black guys who did this.
Aah! Mr.
Smith! - Where's my wife? - She ditched me as soon as we got here.
I just ran away with her to get a rise out of Hayley.
- Please don't kill me! - Let me get this straight.
You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a pagan festival - just to get my attention? - Did it work? Did it ever! Mmm! You know, we're about to go on tour to Bangkok and Amsterdam and this hot piece of mama's comin' with us.
I am ripped off my ass! Francine! - You again? - Look what I have.
Remember.
Please remember.
How long till it kicks in? Oh, Francine, for God's sake, we're married.
You love me.
Look, you're a stiff.
I could never fall in love with a suit like you.
A suit like me? Well then, I'll get rid of the suit.
Huh? Huh? Look at me.
Nothing stiff here.
Hey, it's never gonna happen with us.
Never! Because hang-gliding makes me feel alive, Linda, okay? Francine! Don't worry.
I'm leaving.
I just wanted you to be safe.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I took it for granted.
I'm just happy that- Uh, that I got the privilege to be with you for the time that I did.
Okay, my shoes are full.
I better go now.
I love you, Francine.
It's a little late, but happy anniversary.
Remember.
- Stan? - Francine? Stan, it was so weird.
And I was alone and confused.
And there was this raccoon, and I knew who I was again.
Oh, Francine, thank God.
- I love you.
- I love you too, Stan.
That was gross.
I still love you.
Thanks for looking after me.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be.
You were fun.
In fact, you were cool.
Oh.
Hey, funny story.
A little bit longer and their last 24 hours will be completely forgotten.
- Oh, thank God.
- You are not off the hook, mister.
I am deeply disappointed in you.
- Dad, I was with this one.
- Oh.
Well, outstanding.
Bye! Have a beautiful time.