American Princess (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Why Are You Romeo?
1 Previously on "American Princess" We like our peripheral employees to stay consistent with proper Elizabethan as best they can.
Huzzah for the tipper.
We'll work on it.
- [WOMEN SHRIEKING.]
- Miss you, bitch.
- How's rehab? - Lexi, she's not in rehab.
- That's just what we're saying.
- It's not Amanda's fault that - that hooker bit off her own tongue.
- ERIN: It might be.
HELEN: [LISPING.]
I know you think I'm here to stab you to death, but the truth is, Amanda, we're square.
My mom paid you off.
Now I can travel the circuit in a tour bus.
AREOLA: Huzzah for the tipper! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! Huzzah for the tipper It needs work.
[SIGHS.]
[DIGNIFIED BRITISH ACCENT.]
Blanchett, Cate Blanchett.
No.
[ROUGH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Cate Blanchett.
Pray thee.
Pray Pray thee.
Pray thee.
Pray thee tell.
[SIGHING.]
Oh.
Huzzah for the titties.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh! - Good morrow, dear cuz! - [SIGHS.]
- Whoo! Oh, whoa.
What's that? This is for Cyril.
Cyril, I made you a scoby-thingy, and the kombucha is turning out great.
I'd like to think it's because I fermented it in the sun and not in horse shit.
- Thanks? - You're welcome.
And this is pineapple juice, for your cough.
I know it was a little better last night, but the natural bromelain in it will nip it in the bud, I swear.
You've totally embraced the spirit of faire-mily! But I don't have a cough.
Yes, you do.
- You were up the last two nights.
- [BOY COUGHS.]
That was Lil Boy.
Wh-What? This little boy slept in our room last night? - Where else would he sleep? - With his parents? [LAUGHING.]
I'm his parents! - You have a kid? - You knew about him.
I really truly very much did not.
Really? Well, this is Lil Boy.
Yes, I can see that he's a little boy.
No, that's his name.
Lil Boy.
Until he's old enough to choose his own name.
- Fartbox! - Okay, not old enough yet.
Why don't you check the fridge for Mommy? This isn't quite cold enough.
He's been sleeping in our room this whole time? Sometimes.
Lulu home-schools the faire brats, so a lot of times, he crashes with her kids.
Wait, hive parenting.
I read about this in Vanity Fair, I think.
Or a Buzzfeed listicle.
LIL BOY: One of the gasket retainer screws is loose.
I need Lee's Allen wrench.
- Okay.
- He does seem skilled.
Certainly better here with me than back home with my crazy parents.
Your parents are strict, too, huh? My mom made me take French and Mandarin.
Merci for nothing, Chairman Mao.
Evangelical Christians.
I wasn't even allowed to read "The Giving Tree" when I was a kid, because "If it can give you an apple, it can touch you in your bathing suit area.
" Wow.
Yeah, this is a much better place for him.
And you.
And all of us! - Boobs look great.
- Thanks, babe.
It'll hold like this for a bit, but the gasket needs to be replaced.
Will do.
Thanks, kiddo.
All right.
Three Wet-Naps, two matchbooks, and some toothpicks.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- You, too, Fartbox.
- Unh-unh.
Not Fartbox.
Good advice, man.
Adding more plant-based proteins to my diet.
And I'll keep in mind the spirit of the turkey.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You coming around, baby.
Ah.
The showers are all taken? [WATER RUNNING.]
Yep.
Hey! Same body wash.
Got to love that Mountain Mist.
Great minds.
Then again, we do differ in our choices of toothpaste flavor.
What kind of person uses wintergreen? [CHUCKLES.]
What can I say? I'm a wintergreen guy.
Well, I also heard that wintergreen was the flavor used by Hitler.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ETHEREAL NEW-AGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Good morrow, Your Majesty.
You're late.
You missed the Stanislavski warm-up.
Jumping right into mirror.
Thank you, mirror.
Apologies for being late, but I just had a rather awkward incident.
I ran into Juan Andrés, you know, the man I sort of like, in the restroom.
We were in line for the showers.
I, you know, thought I'd strike up a conversation, but it went poorly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
I made a very bad joke about Hitler.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
I'm sure it was fine.
And lift.
- And scene.
- And scene.
How do I show him that I like him? Invite him over for a Hefeweizen and a light chapter of "Mein Kampf.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Really, Maggie, I need your help.
Oh, good God, you're obsessed.
What's his profession? Janitor? He sells handmade wares.
Then show an interest in his art or something.
What time is it, anyway? I need to Nair my widow's peak before breakfast.
I'm starting to look like Count Chocula.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
All right, everybody, listen up.
We got a couple things on the agenda.
There will be no more 25% employee discount on meals purchased - on the grounds during Faire Days.
- What? - Lee! - What? Ticket sales dropped opening weekend.
We got to pick up the slack.
So eat less, and it won't affect you.
I can survive on a cup of raw spinach a day.
Okay, moving on.
Uh, the Queen's Royal will now become the Queen's Royal Pub Crawl.
- WOMAN: Oh! - Profit margins are higher with booze.
And, uh, Callie, no more nip slips at the joust.
We had some complaints from the parents.
Actually, no, just the moms.
The dads were fine with it.
Free the nipple! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Nips! No more moms! All right, let's take this energy outside and show these people what the faire is about.
Now, how about three cheers for the faire? - Hip hip - Huzzah.
- Hip hip - Huzzah.
- Hip hip - Huzzah! Come on, guys! Let's do it! - Come on, come on, get up.
- Yeah! - All right, everybody.
- Let's go, freaks! MAN: All right, everybody, let's go out there and make some money! - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, God.
- Yes, Maggie? - The Queen's Tea is a tradition.
I've led it every Faire Day here since taking on - the role of Elizabeth.
- Uh-huh.
The little girls sit and converse with the Queen.
It is vital to show them how upper-class women behave.
I'm sorry, but we got to pick up cash wherever we can find it.
I will not besmirch the legacy of the great Queen simply to put a couple of extra shekels in your pocket.
I figured you'd say that, so I am prepared.
"It is said that Elizabeth I drank at least two pints of ale every day.
In 1593, the royal household went through approximately 600,000 gallons of ale," signed the Internet.
The Queen drank beer, yes, but in the refined company of her ladies-in-waiting.
She never rubbed elbows with drunken bachelor parties, nor hairy men in ironic t-shirts.
Your ladies-in-waiting will be there with you, so it will be completely historically accurate.
Just think of it like a royal girls' night out.
I don't believe in girlfriends.
Bitches be haters.
All done? Why, thank thee, fine sir.
WOMAN: I should get a dress like that, right? Your pitcher, m'lords.
Thank you, m'lady.
A tip for you.
Just the tip? Frankly, sir, I'd prefer the whole hog.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - Hey, Amanda.
- No more free beer, Friar.
- Lee would have my head.
- I'm not here for the booze.
Ophelia, the empty kegs got to move.
On it.
Friar! - Listen, can you do me a favor? - Is it sexual? Because geriatric alcoholics aren't really my type.
No, no, no, what? Listen, Natasha usually does my show at 4:00, but she she got a ribbon burn on the May pole, and now she needs to ice her palms.
- So can you fill in? - Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- If you move, please.
All right.
Thanks.
Oh, nice muscles.
Duh.
I'm in wedding shape, which is scientifically proven to be the hottest moment of any woman's life.
SoulCycle and kettle bells.
Plus, I cut out grains.
Such a city lady.
- Hey! - Uh, you are.
It's okay, but you are.
Hmm.
Well, could a city lady do this? I can smell your French disease from here.
Back across the channel - with you, pagans! - Hey! Oh, fie, Puritan! Go jack your beanstalk onto a communion wafer.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- It'll release some frustration.
You know, the high fives were a little bit anachronistic, but, I mean, you're getting there.
You'll blend in, eventually.
I'm blending in just fine.
All done? Aye.
Patrons, pay attention, for this man has given me what every woman desires Multiples! [LAUGHTER.]
Huzzah for the tipper! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! [LAUGHTER FADES.]
Yo, clock in when the mood strikes I do what a boss likes, slowpokes, they look twice Cold I'm a Klondike boys get curved tough - No.
Way.
- When a girl gang, gang roll up Make a beeline for the green room I get money to show up Break, break, break, break Ugh.
- Ew.
- Ew.
Ew.
Oh, my God.
- Hi! - Hi! Wow.
- You guys! - This.
What are you doing here? - We came to check on you, babe.
- I mean, did you think we forgot about you? Oh, kind of.
- No.
- You guys! Uh, c-come sit down? - Yeah.
Let's go.
- Okay.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Two secs, you guys.
I am dying to catch up.
Yeah.
Okay.
What in the dorky hell has gotten into her? It's like she's been kidnapped by those drum circle mole people in Union Square.
- Uh-huh.
- Those titties, though.
Yes, girl, those titties.
Lexi, can you actually stop calling me "girl"? It's starting to feel minimizing.
Oh, my God.
I would never, ever want you to feel that.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm mean, I'm just really grateful that I could share my truth with you.
- Love you, bitch.
- Love you, too, bitch.
Mwah.
- Sangria.
On me.
- Ooh.
Thanks, sweetie.
So, is this, like, your jobjob, or? I mean, it's part of it.
Basically, we're all sort of performers in a larger production.
We all live communally, so it's kind of like a kibbutz.
It seems more like Rajneeshpuram.
- Yeah.
- Ma Anand Sheela - is a feminist icon.
- Tea.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Yes! - Cheers.
Oh, no.
So, what's news with you guys? Um, well, Nick hit 10k on Instagram.
And Rachel Zoe retweeted me.
Yeah, and Lexi's on a new antidepressant.
So, and then, with me, you know, work is work, same thing.
80 hours a week, Postmates for every meal, totally worth it.
- That's amazing, you guys.
- Yeah.
God, you look so cute, by the way, Amanda.
I mean, you are really serving, like, pure Coachella realness.
- Yeah, you do.
- Honestly, you guys, I feel amazing.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just such a shock seeing you here.
Faire virgins.
I hope your first time doesn't hurt too much.
Hon, look, we're not here to judge.
I mean, with everything you've been through, it makes sense that you would run off and do something different, um, as you recover from the stress.
- And humiliation.
- Yeah.
LEXI: And we're also here to check that you aren't totally mentally ill.
Lexi, that was car talk.
- We told you.
- Like four times.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
It's the new meds.
Oh, my God.
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale.
You won't find a better pair of jugs, milady.
And make sure you tell your friends.
Fill it to the top with mead, and you'll need a carriage ride home! Well met, Juan Andrés.
Uh, hi.
Come, get your flagons! My, what beautiful wares.
What are these made of? Cow horns.
Makes sense.
Aah.
Flagons, tankards, milady.
Oh! And pray tell, what about this, uh, gorgeous suede-like canteen? Suede.
Suede? Suede.
- Milady.
- Milord.
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale! Oh, this Now, this is so lovely.
I can imagine pouring myself a Montepulciano, or some other Old World red in one of these.
Are you, mayhaps, also a wine-drink - [CERAMIC SHATTERS.]
- Oh.
Oh, fie.
I-I-I am so sorry.
I-I will pay for all of these.
It's okay.
I make these myself, so it's just lost time.
You make all these ceramic mugs yourself? Out of Clay.
Clay.
Welcome, my countrymen, to the Queen's Pub Crawl.
As you toast the monarchy, you may approach and ask any questions you'd like about our daily lives in the court.
Is it true you guys, like, never took showers? Did the Queen have to poop in a bucket? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Please, let us keep the questions related to our courtly life.
For instance, can you guess how many ladies-in-waiting I did host in my time as queen? - 69! - 69! [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, hear ye, hear ye.
Uh, the Queen commands that whomever can consume their beer with the most haste shall be made lady-in-waiting - for the day.
- Wow.
And you can be a guy.
Or however you may identify.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes, what a civilized idea.
On my count, drink.
One, two, three.
- Yeah! - Yes! - Oh! - Whoo-hoo! I suppose I must declare a tie between these two, um, spirited wenches.
- Um, please, join my court.
- Yes! - Sweet! - And as our first duty on the Queen's court, we're doing shots.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
No, no, no, I shan't.
Chug it, your horniness.
- Chug it, your horniness.
- Chug it, your horniness.
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Chug it, your horniness.
The Queen drank.
And shots cost extra.
Come on.
What would Daniel Day-Lewis do? He'd retire.
- Chug it, your horniness! - Chug it, your horniness! - Chug it, your horniness! - Chug it, your horniness! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I shall get some more.
I feel like this is my new summer drink.
- Morgan.
- It's honestly, like, disgusting.
- Oh, my God.
- It's di Uh Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, who are those shiny people? They're my friends from home.
Oh, my gosh! Fun! I'll go spray 'em with bubble water.
No! They're not those kind of people.
- I'm actually really nervous? - How come? It's the whole mixing-worlds thing.
You know when you introduce your yoga friends to your Pilates friends, and the vibe is just super different? [SIGHS.]
I need for them to like it.
Oh, they're like you were three weeks ago A newborn baby possum, blind and small-headed.
But then you grew up to be a warm, smushy, sighted woodland creature.
This pertains how? Show them the faire through your eyes.
Then they'll be sold.
I vote more alcohol.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
Yeah.
I feel like we've been here for 500 hours.
- More sangria? - [GASPS.]
Yes, please.
- Yes, Mom.
- Fun, right? I mean, yeah, if by "fun," you mean super offensive.
- Thank you.
- What is with all the horny nerd humor? It's like, I feel like the only girl in, like, a Fortnite chat room.
Oh, come on.
It's 1585.
Things were different back then.
Um, well, but it's not back then.
It's now pretending to be back then.
Actually, it's a super empowering place for women.
It's super inclusive and non-judgey and body positive.
- Like the Trevor Project.
- No.
Fine wenches, you all look delicious.
I wish I could give each of you a long, steady ride on my horse.
- A rose, milady? - From you? God, no.
I'd literally rather get a rose from Arie Luyendyk ALL: The most hated Bachelor of all time.
[LIVELY FOLK MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE.]
- But you should take - I'll take a flower, sir.
[ALL GASP.]
Oh! [ALL MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL GASP.]
MORGAN: Ugh.
Meet me at the joust at 2:00 and 30.
I'll ride for thine honor.
[MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE.]
[NICK WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
LEXI: It's so hot.
[SIGHS.]
Lexi, what just happened to me? Amanda, you were just assaulted.
Totally.
I feel triggered.
I'm fine.
Like I said, things are different here.
There's a familiar vibe between performers.
He just made out with your neck.
Do you even know him? Yeah, I've seen him around.
He's like a jouster.
Like from "A Knight's Tale"? - Heath Ledger was my sexual awakening.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Me, too.
- Hashtag "MeToo.
" Stop it! That is not a joke! Ow.
[SNICKERING.]
Amanda, this is your workplace, okay? You need to stand up for consent.
Okay, okay, fine, but can we just take a beat and appreciate this faire? It's super fun, I swear.
Hmm.
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
There's shopping! - [GASPS.]
Yes! - Okay.
Grab my drink.
Okay, can you put it up? - Like here? - 'Cause that's not a good angle.
- Yeah.
- Like that? WOMAN: Huzzah! [RETCHES.]
I'm sorry to be, like, that person, but do they have anything that's paleo here? Cucumber mint water? What about turkey legs? Yes, bitch.
Pure lean protein.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Who's a city lady? MAN: Take dead aim! Try your luck.
- I see you, Legolas! - Whew.
Orlando Bloom wishes he looked this good.
Tankards and flagons! Show me your jugs, - and I'll show you mine.
- Seriously? Would it hurt you to trynot to commodify women's bodies? [LAUGHING.]
It's fine.
[GIGGLES.]
- Yes! - You.
Guys.
- This - Mean.
- Much.
- It's you.
Literally you.
Do you guys take AmEx black? [LISPING.]
You bet your ass they do.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE.]
- Who was that? - No one.
No one.
- Wait, wait, you have to try this on.
- Yes.
This faire is full of debauchery and disgusting behavior! Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Yes.
The wanton whores should be drawn and quartered, lest they corrupt young men - seeking virgin wives.
- Oh, wait.
No.
Women are are not property.
- You're missing it.
You're - A woman's value lies in her maidenhead.
Disgusting! Ooh, aye! Here's a bunch of filthy peasants! Aye! Come back to the washer wench show at 3:00 and 30, where getting clean never felt so dirty.
- [GRUNTS, HUMS.]
- I'm sorry.
Did you guys just call yourselves "washer wenches"? A wench be a working girl.
- Aye, aye.
- Okay, but don't you think you could have come up with, like, a more woke name - than that? - More woke? "Woke" being a culturally black term recently appropriated by mainstream America? Just want to make sure I'm hearing you correctly Becky.
Uh Hello? Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry about her and her Becky-ism.
Nay, nay, good mistress Ophelia! Have thee a pleasant day! - Mm! - Aye.
Oh, actually, actually, I did sleep with many men out of wedlock.
Lord Chancellor Christopher Hatton, the second Earl of Essex Robert Devereux, Sir Walter Raleigh.
Oh, you are such a whore, you! You [ALL SHRIEKING, LAUGHING.]
Cheers to the Queen and her breast friends! [ALL CHEERING.]
Oh.
I suppose you are my best lady friends.
Barkeep, can I have another, please? And one for my dear friend Who are you? - I'm Alicia.
- Mm? We've worked together for three summers.
Alicia, you must tell me everything about yourself.
Are you, as I suspect, from a troubled home? You have such sad eyes.
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor earlye in the mornin'? Oh.
Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis! Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis Earlye in the morning I have one! Aw, man, I forgot.
Aw, man, she forgot, aw, man, she forgot Aw, man, she forgot earlye in the mornin' [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I mean, look, I'm I'll say it issa bop.
[LAUGHTER.]
Amanda, Amanda, look, there's your assaulter.
Oh, Morgan, he didn't assault me.
Oh, really? So you're just not gonna confront him about his toxic behavior? Okay, no, yeah, no.
I just, you know I thought you were a feminist, Amanda.
Hey.
Um, sir, uh, Jouster.
- Hi.
Um, so - Hi.
I think that we need to define some workplace boundaries.
When you kissed me earlier, I have to acknowledge that it wasn't something that I technically consented to.
Uh, I didn't tell you to stop, but I didn't joyfully consent.
Not that I'm saying you're the Cat Person from that New Yorkerpiece.
You are so not the Cat Person.
- I'm actually attracted to you.
- Nice.
- Not that that's relevant.
- It's not.
Anyway I hope that makes sense.
Do you need any clarification? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't have any allergies.
Listen, I got to go brush my horse.
But we should hook up sometime.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Amanda.
Amanda.
- Huh? - Hi.
- Oh.
- Me? Yeah.
I'm genuinely worried about your safety here, okay? This is like one giant pussy-grabbing party.
- Morgan, you don't have to worry.
- Okay, but it's not just about the aggrosexual jouster, all right? It's this whole culture.
Like, women are objects here.
- Amanda! Amanda, you're up.
- Yes? - Oh, right, right, right.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Listen, this is an amazing place for women to feel empowered.
I swear we're not just objects here.
Wench auction! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Gentlemen and not so gentle ladies, we have some fine wenches to be auctioned to you today.
And you can pay fair price - or not! - [LAUGHTER.]
I'll start the bidding.
No.
With this lovely woman in the queer attire.
- Bid it up, boys.
- [MEN CHEERING.]
Now, can I start this bidding at one plague rat? MAN: Aye! One plague rat.
10 dead penguins.
A sickly sheep! 10 bales of hay! I bid my ex-wife! [LAUGHTER.]
- That might be it! - Two yards of wool - and a young lamb.
- Sold! To the gentleman with questionable motives.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ah, they're made for each other.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Huzzah.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Next up, the faire's own dirty pub wench, Ophelia Feelsgood! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Come on, Ophelia! - Whoo! Shut up.
I'm so glad to be participating in this event, because I love participating in events where women support other women.
Show us your tits! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yo, band nerds, drop a beat.
[LIVELY FOLK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- What's happening? - Women supporting women? Huh? Whoa.
[SCREAMING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! - Oh.
- Yas! Whoo! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Now, folks, that surely is worth a bid.
I bid a shepherd's pie and my ax! Only? [LISPING.]
My ovaries.
A grande iced mochachino! A bucket of dead skin! Thick stick! A dozen sheep! Some of 'em with four legs.
You can do better than that, Pizzle.
And tat for two from Zabar's.
- Ooh.
- Stick.
A castle in France! - Okay, we're done.
Come on.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Sold! [LAUGHS.]
Let's go.
You're taking this too seriously, Morgan.
Oh, really? You were just mock-sold for sex.
Okay? So, you're welcome, B-T-dubs, for making it stop.
Obviously, it was just for fun.
Well, what if a bunch of little girls saw you? What kind of message are you sending? Maybe if little girls saw me, they would see that it isn't negative to be sexual.
There's a difference between being sexual and being sexualized.
Fair maiden, you were positively fantastic.
We always present this to our favorite at the auction.
- Uh-oh.
- And you were far and away the Drumroll, please [BOTH IMITATE DRUMROLL.]
- Wenchiest Wench! - Wenchiest Wench! - Oh.
- [BOTH IMITATING FANFARE.]
Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
[BOTH CONTINUE IMITATING FANFARE.]
[SIGHS.]
Guys.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you so much.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're not really gonna wear that thing.
Oh, Morgan, can you just relax? "Just relax"? [SCOFFS.]
Wow.
What a privileged concept.
Yeah, I wish I could just relax, but unlike your horny, little fantasy camp, the real world has consequences for sexual harassment.
Morgan's in the middle of a lawsuit against her ex-boss.
Yeah, he groped her.
A lot.
Oh, my God.
Morgan, I'm I'm so sorry.
- I had no idea.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
You have no idea what anyone is going through, yet you're 100% convinced that all of this objectification and toxic masculinity is just for fun, okay? So, yeah, go win Wenchiest Wench for the patriarchy.
- Or for losers like them.
- Hey! What? They are part of the problem.
Everyone here is.
People like them, anyone who comes here, can say what works and what doesn't.
I'm sorry it's upsetting to you.
And I'm sorry about what you're going through, truly.
But you can't take it out on good, kind people like Bo and Jenny, who are trying to just get away from the real world and find someplace where they feel like they can belong.
So If you don't like it here, then you should just leave.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't even know who you are right now.
God.
What the hell am I gonna tell your mother? Why do you have to tell her anything? - Did she send you here? - It's She I Would you guys have even come if she hadn't? - Yes.
- Of course we would have.
- She lent us her 'Cedes.
- Oh, stop it.
Listen, I I love you, Amanda.
I do.
I really do, okay? But this? I can't.
- Hello? - Okay.
Look, you should totally bone that jouster.
And if he's good, just give him my number.
- Mm-hmm.
- He reads bi.
[CHUCKLES.]
I like dressing slutty.
Love you, Amanda.
[MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE.]
[INDISTINCT.]
[SOBS.]
Should I text him? I should text him, right? Actually, I think it's time to move on.
Oh, how wise.
It is time to move on.
No, it's time for us to move on to the next stop on the Pub Crawl.
We paid 60 bucks for this.
- Fine.
- Bye.
Fair thee well.
Rest you merry.
Mm Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
I think you've had enough, Your Highness.
Let's trade.
Ah, Lee.
Lee, Lee.
What is this life, huh? You and me know the truth, right? What's that, Maggie? The truth is that we're all alone.
We'll always be alone.
God is dead.
- Uh - Mm? Maggie I love you.
Truly.
I've always thought you were beautiful and dark and deliciously complicated.
And hearing that you're lonely like me just makes me love you more.
I think you're the perfect woman.
And you're drunk right now, so I don't want this to get all rapey, but I wish you were my girlfriend.
[VOMITING.]
Oh! - [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Is she okay? Yeah, just very, very drunk.
I have to go numbers 1, 2, and 3.
- I'll take her from here.
- Yep.
- Do I look pretty? - Yes, dear.
Would you believe me if I told you I was in my 30s? - Yes, dear.
- Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis wore his Lincoln hat while he slept and showered? Yes, dear.
You're my best friend.
Yep.
[GUITAR TUNING.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I know, I know I'm drinking again.
But if you would refrain from mentioning anything about that, that would be very much appreciated.
Actually, I was going to say I'm impressed.
Drinking discount cooler beer? Very un-city-lady of you.
So now you give me credit.
Finally.
[SIGHS.]
Tough day? My lady friends are a lot.
- Spence or Brearley? - Spence? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
How very dare you? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Brearley.
Wait, how did you know that? Oh, I'm from the city.
Shut up! - What?! - You shut up.
Wh-Where? Where are you from? Wait, no, let me guess, let me guess, let me guess.
Okay, okay, okay.
Mm - Lower East Side, artist parents? - Unh-unh.
No.
Upper West Side, - journalist parents? - No.
No? Okay.
Uh Greenpoint, Polish bakers? [IMITATES BUZZER.]
- Chelsea, two dads? - [LAUGHING.]
No.
- Where are you from? - Hey, dude, why didn't you bid on me? Only one chick dressed like Shrek bid on me.
- It was humiliating.
- I'm sorry, man.
But I'm sure that you're gonna make a very handsome couple.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Well You r-really hurt me today.
Oh, man, he is a delicate flower.
Your friends are a handful, too.
Ah, he's just showing off.
He likes to prove he has feelings.
- Hey, you want another beer? - Uh-huh.
The more discount, the better.
I miss you in the hot tub, baby.
Hot tub? Who's got a hot tub? It's hitched to Helen's bus.
I heard she bought it off the tour manager for Country-Palooza.
Your mom must be hella rich.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
Alright, new rule, guys.
You can only soak in the Jacuzzi if you're butt-ass naked.
- Cool.
- Ohh, about to get so naked.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Indeed.
Very cool.
Yeah, that's all on you.
That's you.
Okay.
DAVID: Damn, that's a lot of man titties.
- That's cool.
- Whoo! [ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING.]
HELEN: Are you farting? - Wine? - God, yes.
Can't go wring with a Willamette Valley Pinot.
[HELEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Mmm.
What brings Shakespeare down to the Groundlings - without his Royal - Do not say hag.
- Not nice.
- I was gonna say therapy dog.
She's passed out.
Got absolutely wasted on the Pub Crawl today.
Oh, wow.
That's That's kind of amazing.
She was not very helpful to me today as a friend.
You okay? - There's a guy.
- Mm? Juan Andrés.
And I like him.
Mm.
You guys would be great together.
What's the game plan? - The game plan? - Yeah, what's next steps? Well, I made a fool of myself in front of him twice today, so I think my next step is to dig a hole and go to sleep in it.
Oh, come on.
It can't be that bad.
I fear that it really, really was.
Oh.
Then you got to go fix it.
Mm? - Now? - Yes, now.
We get so caught up in our own limitations, how we think we're supposed to be, how people want us to be, but this place is teaching me to live in the now.
You got to be present.
- Be in the now.
- Yeah.
- Yes! - Yes! You got to go get him! - Yes! - Yes.
Go ask him out! Wow.
Right.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
- Go! - Wish me luck.
G-Go get yours, Tiger.
[SIGHS.]
Hi, there.
Hello, Juan Andrés.
I just came by to tell you that I'm really very sorry about today, and that the reason I was acting like such a jackass is that I, uh I'd like to be your friend.
Would you maybe like to be my friend and hang out with me sometime? I'm watching "Seven Samurai.
" Want to join? Yes.
Sure.
I Right now? - Yes.
Now.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm I'm free.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Such a classic.
Such a classic.
I love classics.
Toshiro Mifune.
I like him even better in "Rashomon.
" - Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
Yes.
Actually, I've never seen either.
Are they, uh, good? [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
So good.
Akira Kurosawa? You'd dig him.
"Throne of Blood" owes a ton to "Macbeth," and "Ran" is "King Lear," beat for beat.
"King Lear's" my favorite.
I'd do it at the faire, but it's not exactly a crowd pleaser.
- Mm.
- If I had a nickel for every time I had to perform, "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?" "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Of course, they all think that means, "Where are you, Romeo?" when it really means - Why are you Romeo? - Why are you Romeo? Brian? Yes? I was so nervous around you today.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was nervous around you.
Every time I saw you, I got all weird and quiet.
I didn't know what to say.
Uh, I made a joke about Hitler.
I mean, you kind of actually called me Hitler.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, I'm really happy that we're friends now.
I have enough friends.
[HORSE SNORTING.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
[SMOOCHES.]
That's right.
So, I'm gonna go? Whatever.
No pressure.
[HORSE SNORTS.]
Yeah.
No pressure.
Living in the now.
Hey, Ananda? It's Amanda.
Nice fucking.
Yeah.
Nice fucking.
Ooh.
Ooh.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Mom, I know what you did.
How could you send my friends? Seriously? Nice one.
Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom O.
D.
'd.
Get your ass home.
Huzzah for the tipper.
We'll work on it.
- [WOMEN SHRIEKING.]
- Miss you, bitch.
- How's rehab? - Lexi, she's not in rehab.
- That's just what we're saying.
- It's not Amanda's fault that - that hooker bit off her own tongue.
- ERIN: It might be.
HELEN: [LISPING.]
I know you think I'm here to stab you to death, but the truth is, Amanda, we're square.
My mom paid you off.
Now I can travel the circuit in a tour bus.
AREOLA: Huzzah for the tipper! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! Huzzah for the tipper It needs work.
[SIGHS.]
[DIGNIFIED BRITISH ACCENT.]
Blanchett, Cate Blanchett.
No.
[ROUGH COCKNEY ACCENT.]
Cate Blanchett.
Pray thee.
Pray Pray thee.
Pray thee.
Pray thee tell.
[SIGHING.]
Oh.
Huzzah for the titties.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- [GASPS.]
Oh! - Good morrow, dear cuz! - [SIGHS.]
- Whoo! Oh, whoa.
What's that? This is for Cyril.
Cyril, I made you a scoby-thingy, and the kombucha is turning out great.
I'd like to think it's because I fermented it in the sun and not in horse shit.
- Thanks? - You're welcome.
And this is pineapple juice, for your cough.
I know it was a little better last night, but the natural bromelain in it will nip it in the bud, I swear.
You've totally embraced the spirit of faire-mily! But I don't have a cough.
Yes, you do.
- You were up the last two nights.
- [BOY COUGHS.]
That was Lil Boy.
Wh-What? This little boy slept in our room last night? - Where else would he sleep? - With his parents? [LAUGHING.]
I'm his parents! - You have a kid? - You knew about him.
I really truly very much did not.
Really? Well, this is Lil Boy.
Yes, I can see that he's a little boy.
No, that's his name.
Lil Boy.
Until he's old enough to choose his own name.
- Fartbox! - Okay, not old enough yet.
Why don't you check the fridge for Mommy? This isn't quite cold enough.
He's been sleeping in our room this whole time? Sometimes.
Lulu home-schools the faire brats, so a lot of times, he crashes with her kids.
Wait, hive parenting.
I read about this in Vanity Fair, I think.
Or a Buzzfeed listicle.
LIL BOY: One of the gasket retainer screws is loose.
I need Lee's Allen wrench.
- Okay.
- He does seem skilled.
Certainly better here with me than back home with my crazy parents.
Your parents are strict, too, huh? My mom made me take French and Mandarin.
Merci for nothing, Chairman Mao.
Evangelical Christians.
I wasn't even allowed to read "The Giving Tree" when I was a kid, because "If it can give you an apple, it can touch you in your bathing suit area.
" Wow.
Yeah, this is a much better place for him.
And you.
And all of us! - Boobs look great.
- Thanks, babe.
It'll hold like this for a bit, but the gasket needs to be replaced.
Will do.
Thanks, kiddo.
All right.
Three Wet-Naps, two matchbooks, and some toothpicks.
Pleasure doing business with you.
- You, too, Fartbox.
- Unh-unh.
Not Fartbox.
Good advice, man.
Adding more plant-based proteins to my diet.
And I'll keep in mind the spirit of the turkey.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You coming around, baby.
Ah.
The showers are all taken? [WATER RUNNING.]
Yep.
Hey! Same body wash.
Got to love that Mountain Mist.
Great minds.
Then again, we do differ in our choices of toothpaste flavor.
What kind of person uses wintergreen? [CHUCKLES.]
What can I say? I'm a wintergreen guy.
Well, I also heard that wintergreen was the flavor used by Hitler.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ETHEREAL NEW-AGE MUSIC PLAYING.]
Good morrow, Your Majesty.
You're late.
You missed the Stanislavski warm-up.
Jumping right into mirror.
Thank you, mirror.
Apologies for being late, but I just had a rather awkward incident.
I ran into Juan Andrés, you know, the man I sort of like, in the restroom.
We were in line for the showers.
I, you know, thought I'd strike up a conversation, but it went poorly.
Five, six, seven, eight.
I made a very bad joke about Hitler.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
I'm sure it was fine.
And lift.
- And scene.
- And scene.
How do I show him that I like him? Invite him over for a Hefeweizen and a light chapter of "Mein Kampf.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Really, Maggie, I need your help.
Oh, good God, you're obsessed.
What's his profession? Janitor? He sells handmade wares.
Then show an interest in his art or something.
What time is it, anyway? I need to Nair my widow's peak before breakfast.
I'm starting to look like Count Chocula.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
All right, everybody, listen up.
We got a couple things on the agenda.
There will be no more 25% employee discount on meals purchased - on the grounds during Faire Days.
- What? - Lee! - What? Ticket sales dropped opening weekend.
We got to pick up the slack.
So eat less, and it won't affect you.
I can survive on a cup of raw spinach a day.
Okay, moving on.
Uh, the Queen's Royal will now become the Queen's Royal Pub Crawl.
- WOMAN: Oh! - Profit margins are higher with booze.
And, uh, Callie, no more nip slips at the joust.
We had some complaints from the parents.
Actually, no, just the moms.
The dads were fine with it.
Free the nipple! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Nips! No more moms! All right, let's take this energy outside and show these people what the faire is about.
Now, how about three cheers for the faire? - Hip hip - Huzzah.
- Hip hip - Huzzah.
- Hip hip - Huzzah! Come on, guys! Let's do it! - Come on, come on, get up.
- Yeah! - All right, everybody.
- Let's go, freaks! MAN: All right, everybody, let's go out there and make some money! - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Oh, God.
- Yes, Maggie? - The Queen's Tea is a tradition.
I've led it every Faire Day here since taking on - the role of Elizabeth.
- Uh-huh.
The little girls sit and converse with the Queen.
It is vital to show them how upper-class women behave.
I'm sorry, but we got to pick up cash wherever we can find it.
I will not besmirch the legacy of the great Queen simply to put a couple of extra shekels in your pocket.
I figured you'd say that, so I am prepared.
"It is said that Elizabeth I drank at least two pints of ale every day.
In 1593, the royal household went through approximately 600,000 gallons of ale," signed the Internet.
The Queen drank beer, yes, but in the refined company of her ladies-in-waiting.
She never rubbed elbows with drunken bachelor parties, nor hairy men in ironic t-shirts.
Your ladies-in-waiting will be there with you, so it will be completely historically accurate.
Just think of it like a royal girls' night out.
I don't believe in girlfriends.
Bitches be haters.
All done? Why, thank thee, fine sir.
WOMAN: I should get a dress like that, right? Your pitcher, m'lords.
Thank you, m'lady.
A tip for you.
Just the tip? Frankly, sir, I'd prefer the whole hog.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh! - Hey, Amanda.
- No more free beer, Friar.
- Lee would have my head.
- I'm not here for the booze.
Ophelia, the empty kegs got to move.
On it.
Friar! - Listen, can you do me a favor? - Is it sexual? Because geriatric alcoholics aren't really my type.
No, no, no, what? Listen, Natasha usually does my show at 4:00, but she she got a ribbon burn on the May pole, and now she needs to ice her palms.
- So can you fill in? - Okay, okay, fine, I'll do it.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
- If you move, please.
All right.
Thanks.
Oh, nice muscles.
Duh.
I'm in wedding shape, which is scientifically proven to be the hottest moment of any woman's life.
SoulCycle and kettle bells.
Plus, I cut out grains.
Such a city lady.
- Hey! - Uh, you are.
It's okay, but you are.
Hmm.
Well, could a city lady do this? I can smell your French disease from here.
Back across the channel - with you, pagans! - Hey! Oh, fie, Puritan! Go jack your beanstalk onto a communion wafer.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- It'll release some frustration.
You know, the high fives were a little bit anachronistic, but, I mean, you're getting there.
You'll blend in, eventually.
I'm blending in just fine.
All done? Aye.
Patrons, pay attention, for this man has given me what every woman desires Multiples! [LAUGHTER.]
Huzzah for the tipper! - Huzzah! - Huzzah! [LAUGHTER FADES.]
Yo, clock in when the mood strikes I do what a boss likes, slowpokes, they look twice Cold I'm a Klondike boys get curved tough - No.
Way.
- When a girl gang, gang roll up Make a beeline for the green room I get money to show up Break, break, break, break Ugh.
- Ew.
- Ew.
Ew.
Oh, my God.
- Hi! - Hi! Wow.
- You guys! - This.
What are you doing here? - We came to check on you, babe.
- I mean, did you think we forgot about you? Oh, kind of.
- No.
- You guys! Uh, c-come sit down? - Yeah.
Let's go.
- Okay.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Two secs, you guys.
I am dying to catch up.
Yeah.
Okay.
What in the dorky hell has gotten into her? It's like she's been kidnapped by those drum circle mole people in Union Square.
- Uh-huh.
- Those titties, though.
Yes, girl, those titties.
Lexi, can you actually stop calling me "girl"? It's starting to feel minimizing.
Oh, my God.
I would never, ever want you to feel that.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm mean, I'm just really grateful that I could share my truth with you.
- Love you, bitch.
- Love you, too, bitch.
Mwah.
- Sangria.
On me.
- Ooh.
Thanks, sweetie.
So, is this, like, your jobjob, or? I mean, it's part of it.
Basically, we're all sort of performers in a larger production.
We all live communally, so it's kind of like a kibbutz.
It seems more like Rajneeshpuram.
- Yeah.
- Ma Anand Sheela - is a feminist icon.
- Tea.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Yes! - Cheers.
Oh, no.
So, what's news with you guys? Um, well, Nick hit 10k on Instagram.
And Rachel Zoe retweeted me.
Yeah, and Lexi's on a new antidepressant.
So, and then, with me, you know, work is work, same thing.
80 hours a week, Postmates for every meal, totally worth it.
- That's amazing, you guys.
- Yeah.
God, you look so cute, by the way, Amanda.
I mean, you are really serving, like, pure Coachella realness.
- Yeah, you do.
- Honestly, you guys, I feel amazing.
Wow.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's just such a shock seeing you here.
Faire virgins.
I hope your first time doesn't hurt too much.
Hon, look, we're not here to judge.
I mean, with everything you've been through, it makes sense that you would run off and do something different, um, as you recover from the stress.
- And humiliation.
- Yeah.
LEXI: And we're also here to check that you aren't totally mentally ill.
Lexi, that was car talk.
- We told you.
- Like four times.
[LAUGHS.]
Sorry.
It's the new meds.
Oh, my God.
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale.
You won't find a better pair of jugs, milady.
And make sure you tell your friends.
Fill it to the top with mead, and you'll need a carriage ride home! Well met, Juan Andrés.
Uh, hi.
Come, get your flagons! My, what beautiful wares.
What are these made of? Cow horns.
Makes sense.
Aah.
Flagons, tankards, milady.
Oh! And pray tell, what about this, uh, gorgeous suede-like canteen? Suede.
Suede? Suede.
- Milady.
- Milord.
Tankards and flagons and jugs for sale! Oh, this Now, this is so lovely.
I can imagine pouring myself a Montepulciano, or some other Old World red in one of these.
Are you, mayhaps, also a wine-drink - [CERAMIC SHATTERS.]
- Oh.
Oh, fie.
I-I-I am so sorry.
I-I will pay for all of these.
It's okay.
I make these myself, so it's just lost time.
You make all these ceramic mugs yourself? Out of Clay.
Clay.
Welcome, my countrymen, to the Queen's Pub Crawl.
As you toast the monarchy, you may approach and ask any questions you'd like about our daily lives in the court.
Is it true you guys, like, never took showers? Did the Queen have to poop in a bucket? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Please, let us keep the questions related to our courtly life.
For instance, can you guess how many ladies-in-waiting I did host in my time as queen? - 69! - 69! [LAUGHTER.]
Ah, hear ye, hear ye.
Uh, the Queen commands that whomever can consume their beer with the most haste shall be made lady-in-waiting - for the day.
- Wow.
And you can be a guy.
Or however you may identify.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yes, what a civilized idea.
On my count, drink.
One, two, three.
- Yeah! - Yes! - Oh! - Whoo-hoo! I suppose I must declare a tie between these two, um, spirited wenches.
- Um, please, join my court.
- Yes! - Sweet! - And as our first duty on the Queen's court, we're doing shots.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
No, no, no, I shan't.
Chug it, your horniness.
- Chug it, your horniness.
- Chug it, your horniness.
ALL: [CHANTING.]
Chug it, your horniness.
The Queen drank.
And shots cost extra.
Come on.
What would Daniel Day-Lewis do? He'd retire.
- Chug it, your horniness! - Chug it, your horniness! - Chug it, your horniness! - Chug it, your horniness! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I shall get some more.
I feel like this is my new summer drink.
- Morgan.
- It's honestly, like, disgusting.
- Oh, my God.
- It's di Uh Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, who are those shiny people? They're my friends from home.
Oh, my gosh! Fun! I'll go spray 'em with bubble water.
No! They're not those kind of people.
- I'm actually really nervous? - How come? It's the whole mixing-worlds thing.
You know when you introduce your yoga friends to your Pilates friends, and the vibe is just super different? [SIGHS.]
I need for them to like it.
Oh, they're like you were three weeks ago A newborn baby possum, blind and small-headed.
But then you grew up to be a warm, smushy, sighted woodland creature.
This pertains how? Show them the faire through your eyes.
Then they'll be sold.
I vote more alcohol.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Good idea.
Yeah.
I feel like we've been here for 500 hours.
- More sangria? - [GASPS.]
Yes, please.
- Yes, Mom.
- Fun, right? I mean, yeah, if by "fun," you mean super offensive.
- Thank you.
- What is with all the horny nerd humor? It's like, I feel like the only girl in, like, a Fortnite chat room.
Oh, come on.
It's 1585.
Things were different back then.
Um, well, but it's not back then.
It's now pretending to be back then.
Actually, it's a super empowering place for women.
It's super inclusive and non-judgey and body positive.
- Like the Trevor Project.
- No.
Fine wenches, you all look delicious.
I wish I could give each of you a long, steady ride on my horse.
- A rose, milady? - From you? God, no.
I'd literally rather get a rose from Arie Luyendyk ALL: The most hated Bachelor of all time.
[LIVELY FOLK MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE.]
- But you should take - I'll take a flower, sir.
[ALL GASP.]
Oh! [ALL MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[ALL GASP.]
MORGAN: Ugh.
Meet me at the joust at 2:00 and 30.
I'll ride for thine honor.
[MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE.]
[NICK WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
LEXI: It's so hot.
[SIGHS.]
Lexi, what just happened to me? Amanda, you were just assaulted.
Totally.
I feel triggered.
I'm fine.
Like I said, things are different here.
There's a familiar vibe between performers.
He just made out with your neck.
Do you even know him? Yeah, I've seen him around.
He's like a jouster.
Like from "A Knight's Tale"? - Heath Ledger was my sexual awakening.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Me, too.
- Hashtag "MeToo.
" Stop it! That is not a joke! Ow.
[SNICKERING.]
Amanda, this is your workplace, okay? You need to stand up for consent.
Okay, okay, fine, but can we just take a beat and appreciate this faire? It's super fun, I swear.
Hmm.
[SINGSONG VOICE.]
There's shopping! - [GASPS.]
Yes! - Okay.
Grab my drink.
Okay, can you put it up? - Like here? - 'Cause that's not a good angle.
- Yeah.
- Like that? WOMAN: Huzzah! [RETCHES.]
I'm sorry to be, like, that person, but do they have anything that's paleo here? Cucumber mint water? What about turkey legs? Yes, bitch.
Pure lean protein.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Who's a city lady? MAN: Take dead aim! Try your luck.
- I see you, Legolas! - Whew.
Orlando Bloom wishes he looked this good.
Tankards and flagons! Show me your jugs, - and I'll show you mine.
- Seriously? Would it hurt you to trynot to commodify women's bodies? [LAUGHING.]
It's fine.
[GIGGLES.]
- Yes! - You.
Guys.
- This - Mean.
- Much.
- It's you.
Literally you.
Do you guys take AmEx black? [LISPING.]
You bet your ass they do.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE.]
- Who was that? - No one.
No one.
- Wait, wait, you have to try this on.
- Yes.
This faire is full of debauchery and disgusting behavior! Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Yes.
The wanton whores should be drawn and quartered, lest they corrupt young men - seeking virgin wives.
- Oh, wait.
No.
Women are are not property.
- You're missing it.
You're - A woman's value lies in her maidenhead.
Disgusting! Ooh, aye! Here's a bunch of filthy peasants! Aye! Come back to the washer wench show at 3:00 and 30, where getting clean never felt so dirty.
- [GRUNTS, HUMS.]
- I'm sorry.
Did you guys just call yourselves "washer wenches"? A wench be a working girl.
- Aye, aye.
- Okay, but don't you think you could have come up with, like, a more woke name - than that? - More woke? "Woke" being a culturally black term recently appropriated by mainstream America? Just want to make sure I'm hearing you correctly Becky.
Uh Hello? Oh, yeah.
I'm so sorry about her and her Becky-ism.
Nay, nay, good mistress Ophelia! Have thee a pleasant day! - Mm! - Aye.
Oh, actually, actually, I did sleep with many men out of wedlock.
Lord Chancellor Christopher Hatton, the second Earl of Essex Robert Devereux, Sir Walter Raleigh.
Oh, you are such a whore, you! You [ALL SHRIEKING, LAUGHING.]
Cheers to the Queen and her breast friends! [ALL CHEERING.]
Oh.
I suppose you are my best lady friends.
Barkeep, can I have another, please? And one for my dear friend Who are you? - I'm Alicia.
- Mm? We've worked together for three summers.
Alicia, you must tell me everything about yourself.
Are you, as I suspect, from a troubled home? You have such sad eyes.
What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor earlye in the mornin'? Oh.
Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis! Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis Mug him in the subway and take his Guccis Earlye in the morning I have one! Aw, man, I forgot.
Aw, man, she forgot, aw, man, she forgot Aw, man, she forgot earlye in the mornin' [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I mean, look, I'm I'll say it issa bop.
[LAUGHTER.]
Amanda, Amanda, look, there's your assaulter.
Oh, Morgan, he didn't assault me.
Oh, really? So you're just not gonna confront him about his toxic behavior? Okay, no, yeah, no.
I just, you know I thought you were a feminist, Amanda.
Hey.
Um, sir, uh, Jouster.
- Hi.
Um, so - Hi.
I think that we need to define some workplace boundaries.
When you kissed me earlier, I have to acknowledge that it wasn't something that I technically consented to.
Uh, I didn't tell you to stop, but I didn't joyfully consent.
Not that I'm saying you're the Cat Person from that New Yorkerpiece.
You are so not the Cat Person.
- I'm actually attracted to you.
- Nice.
- Not that that's relevant.
- It's not.
Anyway I hope that makes sense.
Do you need any clarification? No.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't have any allergies.
Listen, I got to go brush my horse.
But we should hook up sometime.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Amanda.
Amanda.
- Huh? - Hi.
- Oh.
- Me? Yeah.
I'm genuinely worried about your safety here, okay? This is like one giant pussy-grabbing party.
- Morgan, you don't have to worry.
- Okay, but it's not just about the aggrosexual jouster, all right? It's this whole culture.
Like, women are objects here.
- Amanda! Amanda, you're up.
- Yes? - Oh, right, right, right.
- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Listen, this is an amazing place for women to feel empowered.
I swear we're not just objects here.
Wench auction! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Gentlemen and not so gentle ladies, we have some fine wenches to be auctioned to you today.
And you can pay fair price - or not! - [LAUGHTER.]
I'll start the bidding.
No.
With this lovely woman in the queer attire.
- Bid it up, boys.
- [MEN CHEERING.]
Now, can I start this bidding at one plague rat? MAN: Aye! One plague rat.
10 dead penguins.
A sickly sheep! 10 bales of hay! I bid my ex-wife! [LAUGHTER.]
- That might be it! - Two yards of wool - and a young lamb.
- Sold! To the gentleman with questionable motives.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Ah, they're made for each other.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Huzzah.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Next up, the faire's own dirty pub wench, Ophelia Feelsgood! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Come on, Ophelia! - Whoo! Shut up.
I'm so glad to be participating in this event, because I love participating in events where women support other women.
Show us your tits! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yo, band nerds, drop a beat.
[LIVELY FOLK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- What's happening? - Women supporting women? Huh? Whoa.
[SCREAMING.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Whoo! - Oh.
- Yas! Whoo! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Now, folks, that surely is worth a bid.
I bid a shepherd's pie and my ax! Only? [LISPING.]
My ovaries.
A grande iced mochachino! A bucket of dead skin! Thick stick! A dozen sheep! Some of 'em with four legs.
You can do better than that, Pizzle.
And tat for two from Zabar's.
- Ooh.
- Stick.
A castle in France! - Okay, we're done.
Come on.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Sold! [LAUGHS.]
Let's go.
You're taking this too seriously, Morgan.
Oh, really? You were just mock-sold for sex.
Okay? So, you're welcome, B-T-dubs, for making it stop.
Obviously, it was just for fun.
Well, what if a bunch of little girls saw you? What kind of message are you sending? Maybe if little girls saw me, they would see that it isn't negative to be sexual.
There's a difference between being sexual and being sexualized.
Fair maiden, you were positively fantastic.
We always present this to our favorite at the auction.
- Uh-oh.
- And you were far and away the Drumroll, please [BOTH IMITATE DRUMROLL.]
- Wenchiest Wench! - Wenchiest Wench! - Oh.
- [BOTH IMITATING FANFARE.]
Oh, no.
Oh, wow.
[BOTH CONTINUE IMITATING FANFARE.]
[SIGHS.]
Guys.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you so much.
[CHUCKLES.]
You're not really gonna wear that thing.
Oh, Morgan, can you just relax? "Just relax"? [SCOFFS.]
Wow.
What a privileged concept.
Yeah, I wish I could just relax, but unlike your horny, little fantasy camp, the real world has consequences for sexual harassment.
Morgan's in the middle of a lawsuit against her ex-boss.
Yeah, he groped her.
A lot.
Oh, my God.
Morgan, I'm I'm so sorry.
- I had no idea.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
You have no idea what anyone is going through, yet you're 100% convinced that all of this objectification and toxic masculinity is just for fun, okay? So, yeah, go win Wenchiest Wench for the patriarchy.
- Or for losers like them.
- Hey! What? They are part of the problem.
Everyone here is.
People like them, anyone who comes here, can say what works and what doesn't.
I'm sorry it's upsetting to you.
And I'm sorry about what you're going through, truly.
But you can't take it out on good, kind people like Bo and Jenny, who are trying to just get away from the real world and find someplace where they feel like they can belong.
So If you don't like it here, then you should just leave.
[SCOFFS.]
I don't even know who you are right now.
God.
What the hell am I gonna tell your mother? Why do you have to tell her anything? - Did she send you here? - It's She I Would you guys have even come if she hadn't? - Yes.
- Of course we would have.
- She lent us her 'Cedes.
- Oh, stop it.
Listen, I I love you, Amanda.
I do.
I really do, okay? But this? I can't.
- Hello? - Okay.
Look, you should totally bone that jouster.
And if he's good, just give him my number.
- Mm-hmm.
- He reads bi.
[CHUCKLES.]
I like dressing slutty.
Love you, Amanda.
[MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE.]
[INDISTINCT.]
[SOBS.]
Should I text him? I should text him, right? Actually, I think it's time to move on.
Oh, how wise.
It is time to move on.
No, it's time for us to move on to the next stop on the Pub Crawl.
We paid 60 bucks for this.
- Fine.
- Bye.
Fair thee well.
Rest you merry.
Mm Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
I think you've had enough, Your Highness.
Let's trade.
Ah, Lee.
Lee, Lee.
What is this life, huh? You and me know the truth, right? What's that, Maggie? The truth is that we're all alone.
We'll always be alone.
God is dead.
- Uh - Mm? Maggie I love you.
Truly.
I've always thought you were beautiful and dark and deliciously complicated.
And hearing that you're lonely like me just makes me love you more.
I think you're the perfect woman.
And you're drunk right now, so I don't want this to get all rapey, but I wish you were my girlfriend.
[VOMITING.]
Oh! - [MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Is she okay? Yeah, just very, very drunk.
I have to go numbers 1, 2, and 3.
- I'll take her from here.
- Yep.
- Do I look pretty? - Yes, dear.
Would you believe me if I told you I was in my 30s? - Yes, dear.
- Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis wore his Lincoln hat while he slept and showered? Yes, dear.
You're my best friend.
Yep.
[GUITAR TUNING.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
I know, I know I'm drinking again.
But if you would refrain from mentioning anything about that, that would be very much appreciated.
Actually, I was going to say I'm impressed.
Drinking discount cooler beer? Very un-city-lady of you.
So now you give me credit.
Finally.
[SIGHS.]
Tough day? My lady friends are a lot.
- Spence or Brearley? - Spence? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
How very dare you? [NORMAL VOICE.]
Brearley.
Wait, how did you know that? Oh, I'm from the city.
Shut up! - What?! - You shut up.
Wh-Where? Where are you from? Wait, no, let me guess, let me guess, let me guess.
Okay, okay, okay.
Mm - Lower East Side, artist parents? - Unh-unh.
No.
Upper West Side, - journalist parents? - No.
No? Okay.
Uh Greenpoint, Polish bakers? [IMITATES BUZZER.]
- Chelsea, two dads? - [LAUGHING.]
No.
- Where are you from? - Hey, dude, why didn't you bid on me? Only one chick dressed like Shrek bid on me.
- It was humiliating.
- I'm sorry, man.
But I'm sure that you're gonna make a very handsome couple.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Well You r-really hurt me today.
Oh, man, he is a delicate flower.
Your friends are a handful, too.
Ah, he's just showing off.
He likes to prove he has feelings.
- Hey, you want another beer? - Uh-huh.
The more discount, the better.
I miss you in the hot tub, baby.
Hot tub? Who's got a hot tub? It's hitched to Helen's bus.
I heard she bought it off the tour manager for Country-Palooza.
Your mom must be hella rich.
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING IN DISTANCE.]
Alright, new rule, guys.
You can only soak in the Jacuzzi if you're butt-ass naked.
- Cool.
- Ohh, about to get so naked.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Indeed.
Very cool.
Yeah, that's all on you.
That's you.
Okay.
DAVID: Damn, that's a lot of man titties.
- That's cool.
- Whoo! [ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING.]
HELEN: Are you farting? - Wine? - God, yes.
Can't go wring with a Willamette Valley Pinot.
[HELEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Ah.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Mmm.
What brings Shakespeare down to the Groundlings - without his Royal - Do not say hag.
- Not nice.
- I was gonna say therapy dog.
She's passed out.
Got absolutely wasted on the Pub Crawl today.
Oh, wow.
That's That's kind of amazing.
She was not very helpful to me today as a friend.
You okay? - There's a guy.
- Mm? Juan Andrés.
And I like him.
Mm.
You guys would be great together.
What's the game plan? - The game plan? - Yeah, what's next steps? Well, I made a fool of myself in front of him twice today, so I think my next step is to dig a hole and go to sleep in it.
Oh, come on.
It can't be that bad.
I fear that it really, really was.
Oh.
Then you got to go fix it.
Mm? - Now? - Yes, now.
We get so caught up in our own limitations, how we think we're supposed to be, how people want us to be, but this place is teaching me to live in the now.
You got to be present.
- Be in the now.
- Yeah.
- Yes! - Yes! You got to go get him! - Yes! - Yes.
Go ask him out! Wow.
Right.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Uh-huh.
[LAUGHS.]
- Go! - Wish me luck.
G-Go get yours, Tiger.
[SIGHS.]
Hi, there.
Hello, Juan Andrés.
I just came by to tell you that I'm really very sorry about today, and that the reason I was acting like such a jackass is that I, uh I'd like to be your friend.
Would you maybe like to be my friend and hang out with me sometime? I'm watching "Seven Samurai.
" Want to join? Yes.
Sure.
I Right now? - Yes.
Now.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm I'm free.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
Such a classic.
Such a classic.
I love classics.
Toshiro Mifune.
I like him even better in "Rashomon.
" - Oh, yes.
- Yeah.
Yes.
Actually, I've never seen either.
Are they, uh, good? [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
So good.
Akira Kurosawa? You'd dig him.
"Throne of Blood" owes a ton to "Macbeth," and "Ran" is "King Lear," beat for beat.
"King Lear's" my favorite.
I'd do it at the faire, but it's not exactly a crowd pleaser.
- Mm.
- If I had a nickel for every time I had to perform, "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?" "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" [BOTH LAUGH.]
Of course, they all think that means, "Where are you, Romeo?" when it really means - Why are you Romeo? - Why are you Romeo? Brian? Yes? I was so nervous around you today.
[CHUCKLES.]
I was nervous around you.
Every time I saw you, I got all weird and quiet.
I didn't know what to say.
Uh, I made a joke about Hitler.
I mean, you kind of actually called me Hitler.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Well, I'm really happy that we're friends now.
I have enough friends.
[HORSE SNORTING.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[GRUNTS, SIGHS.]
[ROOSTER CROWS.]
[SMOOCHES.]
That's right.
So, I'm gonna go? Whatever.
No pressure.
[HORSE SNORTS.]
Yeah.
No pressure.
Living in the now.
Hey, Ananda? It's Amanda.
Nice fucking.
Yeah.
Nice fucking.
Ooh.
Ooh.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[CELLPHONE RINGING.]
[SIGHS.]
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Mom, I know what you did.
How could you send my friends? Seriously? Nice one.
Amanda, it's Erin.
Mom O.
D.
'd.
Get your ass home.