Animal Control (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
♪
How was your night?
Let's not start with
the intrusive questions.
Okay. I don't usually step
on a landmine that quickly.
I had ill-advised sex
with a workmate, okay?
A workmate?
It feels like you want me to guess.
- Hot vet.
- Dolores. Are you happy?
Oh! Cool. Alright, yeah.
So, the whole thing
was kind of an accident.
I went over there, we had some wine
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I gotta stop you right there.
First of all, so excited
to be your confidant on this.
Oh, oh. You're you're
not my confidant.
You're just a person sitting
next to me as I process.
It's just I'm not the kinda
guy that bro's out
with explicit sexual detail.
Look at me. Do I look like
the type of person
that would share sex details with you?
Okay.
I'm just worried she's gonna get clingy.
Clingy?
Yeah. I can see a person like
her becoming quickly attached
and making things weird in the office.
You know, like googly eyes in
the bullpen and winks by the toaster.
Winks by the toaster, yeah.
These kinda things can get complicated.
Look, this is not a thing!
We had a couple glasses
of wine and then
Okay, whoa!
This is gonna have to be
my final warning, Frank.
I'm not gonna sit here
and listen to a play-by-play
of your escapades, alright?
You're gonna have to find
somebody else for that.
We were naked 10 minutes into it
- Don't Frank!
- Which I
[OPENING TITLE THEME SONG]
[EMILY] Hey, everyone.
We just got a 911 on a bear,
get this, in a hot tub.
What? Seriously?
Yeah. The homeowner's out of town
but they sent us their nest-cam footage.
Wow, he looks so relaxed.
Did he turn the jets on?
That's the Bellagio 2000.
The gold standard.
We'll take this one.
Great!
Uh, one more thing before you leave.
Um I invited Rick Doyle
in for lunch today.
- What?
- Wait. Rick Doyle?
Yeah. I thought it would be nice.
You know, it's considered good
management form to host your predecessor
and plus I cannot figure out
the budget report format.
Like, at all.
Has anyone seen him since the mauling?
Okay, can we not call it that?
You weren't there.
There's no other verb to describe
what that mink did to his face.
I mean, you could say
chainsaw or hamburger,
but those aren't verbs.
Well, I'm actually cool
with gnarly stuff.
I once carried my buddy's knee
down a mountain in a trail mix bag.
[EMILY] Oh.
Rick's had, like, 17 surgeries.
Yeah.
[FRANK] The thing ate his ear.
Apparently, the reassembly was a bit of
a Mr. Potato Head situation.
Just chucking features in willy-nilly.
Hey, hey.
Can we please be our better selves here?
Let's just make sure
that he feels welcome.
I'm actually pumped to see him.
Yeah. I'm glad he's alive.
He was such a good boss.
I mean, no offense, Emily.
Yeah.
I know why you're really pumped.
Rick got a giant settlement
from the City.
Sure, I have a real estate pitch
and he has money.
But this is about being excited
to catch up with an old friend.
Hmm, yeah.
Morning everyone.
Good morning.
Hi Frank.
Hey Dolores.
♪
[SHRED] Good news on Dolores, huh?
Oh, amazing. She seemed totally cool.
You're relieved?
Yeah. If I could do a jig
in this truck I would.
A jig is an Irish dance.
Ah, the Irish.
[DISPATCH] Truck 12. Report of
a dog, white coat, medium sized,
no tags near 1906 Green Valley Lane.
Truck 12 responding.
[PAN CLANGING]
Hello?
- [PATEL] Louder. Louder.
- [BEAR GROWLS]
- Humans!
- Hey!
- [VICTORIA] Humans are coming!
- [PATEL] Hey!
[PAN CLANGING]
- Humans!
- Humans are coming!
Humans!
[PATEL] Sorry buddy.
I feel bad.
Poor guy was just getting his soak on.
[SIGHS]
Oh!
[CHUCKLES] Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, I wouldn't drink okay.
Natural salt, I knew it.
Bet you could swim with your eyes open.
Okay. Cool.
No way.
No way!
He didn't smoke a cigar.
They can ride bikes.
I've seen it on YouTube.
Yeah? How did he light it?
He probably enlisted the help
of a smaller animal.
How did you get this job?
It's just odd.
What?
I mean, why didn't Dolores
get weird about last night?
She's probably just got a healthy
relationship to her sexuality, you know?
She makes love and if the fit's off
she's just right back
to being coworkers.
Why would the fit be off?
Look, I'm just trying to put myself
in her head. I could be wrong.
You don't think it's
performance-based, do you?
I mean, what, are you worried
you finished too quickly?
Wait! Don't tell me. Okay?
'Cause now we're getting into
sex details and I don't like it.
Yeah, I don't like it either,
but what's too quickly?
Because if she finishes first
that's a green light for me, right?
I mean, are you sure she finished?
Well, that's what she said.
Was it unprompted or did you ask her?
It was prompted.
Oh God.
Hey, so, are you gonna do
the hard sell on Rick at lunch?
'Cause it could get super awkward.
Don't have to do a hard sell.
Mixed use warehouse on
Kirkland Avenue sells itself.
Right. Where is this new
unfounded confidence
in real estate coming from?
My cousin Rishi. He's killing it.
And I've got everything he's got.
Except for an MBA and capital.
Might need that.
[PHONE BUZZING]
[UNDER HIS BREATH] Oh, crap.
Principal Jimenez. Hi.
Oh, is that so?
There's been a mix up
with Addy's field trip permission slip
and it failed to be signed.
Failed to be signed.
That's your official press release?
So there's no way
she can get on the bus?
Can I just give you permission verbally?
We're not gonna hold you liable.
In fact, she gets hurt
at home all the time
and trust me, I got kids to spare.
[LAUGHS] Yeah. No.
I do understand that there are words
that even when said in jest
can trigger an investigation.
I'm gonna come get her.
[LAUGHS] Okay. Yeah. No, great.
We gotta go to Addy's school.
Um hey. You guys got the wrong dog.
- What are you talking about?
- You went to the wrong address.
You went to Green Valley Street
not Green Valley Lane.
Oh, my bad. I must've put it in wrong.
It's fine.
And don't cover for me like I'm
someone that needs covering for.
I think it's interesting you're
taking such a strong stance
on such a blatant screw up.
You literally kidnapped
someone's dog out of their yard.
This sort of thing happens
in the field all the time.
I wouldn't expect somebody
who doesn't wear socks
to the office to understand.
[SHRED] Okay. Whoa.
We're sorry and we'll return
her right now.
Get it together, guys. Seriously.
And I am wearing socks.
They are tiny, tiny no-show socks.
- They're no-show socks, Frank.
- What are no-show socks?
You can't see 'em but they're there.
It's like the force.
It surrounds us and binds us.
Did you just quote Obi-Wan Kenobi?
I did but we're talking about socks.
[SHRED] You picked up the wrong
dog and snapped at your boss.
You're in your head, man.
I'm not in my head.
- Yeah. You're in your head.
- No.
And you're screwing up
and now Emily's mad.
You know what? I don't like the
tone you are taking with me at all.
Well, I don't like having
the boss mad at me, okay?
I'm very sensitive to coaching critiques
and now I'm paranoid I'm gonna get cut.
You mean fired?
That's how we say it in real life.
Come on, man.
You're distracted and spiraling.
Just go talk to Dolores.
Oh. Talk to her first.
How would that look?
Like you're a grown up.
Alright, that's enough.
There's one snide bully in
this relationship and it's not you.
They wouldn't let me on the bus.
It was so embarrassing.
It's not a big deal, okay?
We'll be at the aquarium in 15 minutes.
What?!
You can't make me go now.
That's even more embarrassing.
Well, you can't stay with us.
I'm at work.
[PHONE ALERT CHIMES]
Where's my map?
Did you lock me out again?
You little wizard.
I'm not going to the aquarium.
Fine. Okay? You can stay for lunch.
Just un-cyber hack my vehicle.
Whatever.
- Wow.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
What?
You totally caved.
It sets a dangerous precedent.
Are you judging my parenting?
Because that's a very
dangerous precedent.
Oh, so I get the scolding? Interesting.
[RICK] Hello? Anybody home?
- [FRED] Rick!
- [PATEL] Rick!
[LAUGHING]
I actually thought it'd be much worse.
His hair grew back.
[VICTORIA] The ear looks pretty good.
Hi Rick!
Let's do two, we'll do two. Come on!
You look like a J. Crew model.
- Thank you.
- [PATEL] You are handsome.
It's an honor to shake the hand
that wears the glove of valor.
The infamous Shred.
Bring it in for the real deal.
Holy, feel that.
You know me!
Ah, you must be the new boss.
It's so nice to meet you in person.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] I've heard
received so much good things about you.
And I have received such
good things about you.
Good. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
I've gotta say, the energy
in this room feels good!
Congruent.
Good.
You remember the kitchen?
That's where we'll eat.
Um so I'm gonna grab
something from the office and
I will I'll be back.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Okay. So, I hope you like
sandwiches, Rick.
We're gonna have 'em.
Alright. One plate balled
watermelon, deseeded by hand.
Okay? Alright.
And, uh, I'll take this
Rick-side seat right here.
[LAUGHING]
So glad to catch up.
Hey, me too, and I appreciate
all those texts.
Yeah absolutely.
What'd you think of that prospectus?
- You take a look at it?
- Mmm
[ADDY] I'm seeing a seed in a ball.
I'll be back in a second.
There's no seed.
I inspected for seeds twice.
[NERVOUS LAUGHING]
[ADDY] I just want
the egg bites at Starbucks.
We've been over this.
It is melon or starve!
Ah alright.
Where were we?
Hey buddy, I acknowledge
your need to stretch
your entrepreneurial wings
but your kid's here.
We can chat about
real estate later, huh?
[ADDY] Oh, my God! Another seed?
One second.
Addison Mukta Patel! So help me
Hey. Why don't I hang out
with Addy for a bit?
I got this.
- Oh you got this?
- Yeah, I do.
I just feel like you guys
are having one of those days,
you're butting heads, a lot of yelling.
Oh, one of those days.
Is that the official diagnosis
from Doctor Microdose MDMA?
So is that a yes?
Oh, absolutely.
I'm just excited to be a part of this
master class on parenting. Yeah.
You could've just said yes.
I was being sarcastic.
What's up?
Nothing. Why?
You just kicked me.
Oh, sorry. That was meant for
- [THUD]
- Ow! What?
Oh.
You are staring.
Do you have a lender you like? No?
Oh. Greek salad. Don't mind if I do.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
That is terrible.
No!
It's a temp ear. It's a temp ear and
- Oh
- No. Oh come on.
I didn't even notice. It's a temp ear.
Oh, my gosh. No.
- You don't need to apologize.
- Here we go.
[FRANK] You've been through a lot.
The custom one's stuck in China.
So it's on its way.
Rick, you shouldn't be
embarrassed or anything.
I mean, you're among family. [GAGGING]
I'm so sorry.
That was, um I just meant
to say there's no judgment.
[GAGGING]
[GAGGING]
Okay, Emily. You need
to get on your back.
- [GAGGING]
- Oh jeez.
[CONTINUES TO GAG]
[RICK] You know what?
She can use my sweater as a pillow.
[FRANK] Just lie on your back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We should just stay here.
[FRANK] Pull your knees into your chest.
[SCREAMING]
Get it off me!
[SCREAMING]
♪
Dolores still seems normal
but it's like too normal now.
Actually, there is
one other thing, but
What?
It's just I've been pretty
hesitant to say something
because you seem pretty
easily triggered today.
Hmm.
Hey! My body cam.
Frank, that's the only thing
that holds me accountable to the public.
Tell me what you know or I will
put this down my pants
and your record will literally
be tainted.
Alright. I just heard she has
a thing for Templeton.
Templeton?
Yeah.
So, maybe she's a little nervous
about you guys hooking up
and Templeton finding out
'cause who knows how he'd view that.
Are you saying she'd rather be
with Templeton than me?
I'm not saying anything.
I don't know, but I can tell you,
I would definitely
rank you above Templeton
in most categories.
Most categories?
Almost all. Almost all! Almost all!
It's in my pants.
You wouldn't do this!
And these are the kennels,
girlfriend.
Take a look at this guy. Isn't he cute?
Addy Addy, come on.
Let's put the screen down.
- I'm gonna take this.
- No. No
Yeah. And I'm gonna do this.
Yeah. See, we have a different
way of treating kids
where I grew up. That's New Zealand.
That's not a real place.
Okay. It is a real place, definitely is.
And we're actually number one
in the world
for ease of doing business,
so that's awesome.
Uh, look we treat kids
like grown-ups, right?
And we expect them
to act like grown-ups.
Does that make sense?
Okay.
Good. I'm glad we're on the same page.
Now, do you wanna meet one
of the coolest lizards in town?
You're gonna love this guy,
he's such a rock star.
[DOGS BARKING]
What are you doing?
I'm starting a dog riot.
Bloody hell. Addy
Because you took my screen time.
Stop! Not the cats! Do not do the cats!
Put the cats back!
You wanted something?
Oh yeah, hey. Can you send me
Rick's home address please?
Maybe. Why?
You know, just because
you have all the addresses
doesn't mean you're in charge of them.
And I just wanna go over there
and apologize in person.
That seems, at best, ill-advised.
Why? Everybody loves an apology.
You literally don't have
the stomach for it.
Look, I know you mean well,
but Rick was a good boss.
No offense.
And I just don't wanna see him get hurt.
Well, I think I'm becoming
a pretty great boss myself.
[UNDER HER BREATH] Yeah
And I just wanna trust
my instincts on this one.
Will you send me the address? Please?
Okay. Okay.
Um
What?
Dad?
Daddy, she locked me in this thing.
Yeah. About that, I was
outta moves, so
You got this, huh?
What'd you get?
Muskrat.
Adolescent male,
probably seven kilograms.
Used the 22 centimeter catch pole.
Wow. That's a lotta Canadian math there.
Yeah, we were just driving by
and thought we'd say hola.
Well, your time's just all kinds
of unaccounted for, huh?
Yeah, I guess we should be more careful.
Dolores goes over our
field reports like a hawk.
Ooh. Don't mess with Dolores.
Am I right?
How about that Dolores?
So, you guys got that pot simmering?
Ah, there it is.
That's what you came for.
Let me tell you something, Frank.
It was all above-board.
Different precincts.
She doesn't report to me.
We did it all by the book.
And once by the credenza.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
You guys got together physically?
Sexual congress was in session.
You and Dolores?
Boy, you're really having
trouble processing this, aren't you?
So, are you guys over?
Yeah, for me, basically.
But her, she's still pretty clingy.
Clingy?
Big time.
Big time, yeah.
Anyway, gotta get this 'skrat
back to the 2-3.
Frank!
- [CAR HONKS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
You gotta talk to Dolores, man.
Yeah. I'm there now.
♪
Well, she is Maya's problem now.
Is she gone? I'm exhausted.
Yeah. But I've got two others
so let's get while the gettin' is good.
[PHONE CHIMES]
Damnit.
Rick passed on the Kirkland
Street property.
[DISPATCH] Truck 8. Report
of the bear's return to the hot tub.
Repeat, the bear is in the bubbles.
Truck 8 responding.
[PATEL] This bear is living
a better life than us?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Emily. Hey.
I came here to apologize in person
but now I realize
I'm just cornering you.
You don't have to apologize.
My ear fell off my head.
You probably had the
appropriate reaction.
[LAUGHS]
Well, thank you for being
so cool about it.
I I really am sorry.
Accepted.
I sense there's something else
on your mind?
The budget report format.
I just I can't even
City paperwork's a beast.
Let's get you harmonious.
- Oh
- Huh?
Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
[PANS CLATTERING]
- Humans are coming!
- Humans!
[SIGHS]
He must've hightailed it.
Oh yeah. You can see his
tracks going down to the woods.
Huh.
Look at that steam.
A perfect 98 degrees I bet.
[WATER BUBBLING]
[SIGHS] I have to say
it's everything I thought it would be.
Yeah. This is nice and we deserve it.
Especially after the day we've had.
Yeah.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry that I was that
annoying person without kids
who thinks they know anything
about parenting.
I don't.
You actually did okay with Addy.
You rode the bull for almost 10 minutes.
But then I locked her in a kennel.
Well, she bucked you at the end.
She bucked you real hard.
She's a demon.
Mmhmm.
[SIGHS] Let me ask you something.
Do you have any interest
in a mixed use warehouse
on Kirkland Avenue?
What was that? Did you say something?
I'm just I'm struggling
to hear you over the bubbles.
I'll just chill over here.
Hey.
Hey.
So, um we cool?
Yeah.
'Cause you know last night was
Oh. Yeah, no. We're cool.
It was pretty fun, wasn't it?
It was.
Yeah. Okay well, I'm gonna, uh
I'm gonna let you bask in the afterglow.
[LAUGHS]
Okay.
Okay. See you.
Yeah.
You are in an afterglow, right?
Frank, are you trying to find out
if I enjoyed our night together?
[LAUGHS]
Do you want the truth?
Oh. I don't know if it sounds like I do.
Sometimes people just aren't
a good fit, you know, sexually.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Okay. Um
Well, if you, if you had to, uh
B-minus.
Why did you think I would want
a letter grade?
It's not a big deal.
No. No, it's not. It's not.
I assume it was just average
for you too?
Mmhmm. Yeah. A-minus.
Hmm.
Okay. Well, um, I'm gonna
Yeah.
See what's over here.
Okay, bye Frank.
Hey. So did you talk it out?
You all good?
Good? No.
And, apparently, my penis
needs to go to summer school.
[LAUGHING]
You know, I was intimidated to meet you
'cause everyone speaks
about you as this great boss
and I'm, like, at best,
a work in progress.
Oh, I bet you're doing better
than you think.
I don't know, uh maybe.
Come on. Actualization is afoot.
Seize the day.
That momentum, keep it rolling. Okay?
[LAUGHS] Okay, alright.
You're gonna be good.
Thank you, Rick.
Bye.
[VOMITING]
♪