Animal Practice (2012) s01e04 Episode Script

George, check it out.
You got a package from eli manning.
You know, it's always been a goal of mine to hold Eli's Manning package.
I'm kidding.
I'm not.
What is it? Two tickets for tonight's game.
He insisted on giving 'em to me after I performed that lumpectomy on his cat.
Cool.
It must be nice to get such accolades, george.
You're amazing.
You're like the sun.
Perhaps I can bask in your glow if I can stand close enough? Please don't.
You smell like eggs or something.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hey, what are you gonna do with that extra ticket? Uh, sorry.
I already invited someone.
Rizzo, go long.
Come on, man.
You gotta jump for it.
I would have caught it, George.
Ooh, wait, Angela, This is Dr.
Leiter.
She's interviewing for the new vet position.
- Hi.
Hi.
Miss Crane, can I use these extra salt licks for after work margaritas? You're kidding.
She's kidding.
After work margaritas? Sign me up.
Oh, I like your style.
You're all right, Dr.
Leiter.
- You saved the fiesta.
- Okay.
Oh, I want you to meet our chief of surgery.
George.
- Dr.
George Coleman.
Your reputation precedes you.
It generally does.
Yup.
Dr.
Leiter is here for the new vet position.
Oh, right, okay.
Well, good luck.
Oh, I find it best to not depend on luck.
Jill was just published in national geographic for her work with rhinos in Tanzania.
They're doing a lot of puff pieces these days.
So, Dr.
Leiter, you studied at - Cal.
- Oh, all right.
Top five school.
Not bad.
- Number one.
- Really? I could have sworn that it was just it was closer to five.
- Nope.
Number one.
It's hard to keep track.
That stuff fluctuates so much.
- Been pretty consistent.
- It's really political.
Yeah.
Great.
Dr.
Leiter, we'll talk soon? Thanks.
- I love her.
- She's a quack.
Reginald agrees.
I met with six other vets, And she is by far the best.
Can you just please meet with her? Sure.
Just kidding.
No.
George.
Seriously, do not be threatened by her.
Threatened? I've been published too, all right? He was voted sexiest vet alive in Cat Fancy and Cat Fancy Latina.
Ah! Rizzo.
Bounty it.
I wish I could bring Rizzo to my house, Help me with my chores.
I have so many chores.
George, please just do this one thing for me.
Fine.
But you have to say it.
Forget it.
George Coleman is the best veterinarian in the world.
Eh.
He is also the greatest and most tireless lover I've ever had.
Okay, I'll meet her.
Thank you, Dorothy.
I appreciate your candor.
Lots of requests for Dr.
Coleman tomorrow.
You've got a distraction osteogenesis, Percutaneous cystolithotomy.
Anything for Yamamoto? - You've got a 2:00 P.
M.
Cat neuter.
And, may I say, Dr.
Coleman, Props on that impressive mountain lion surgery.
It's like you singlehandedly do the work of two men around here.
Technically it was the work of two men.
I assisted you.
Don't be a glory hog, Yamamoto.
You already got the cat neuter.
- Sorry, George.
- That's all right.
If you really want to make it up to me, You could take my night shift.
Dorothy's making me take a vet out to some stupid dinner.
Of course, George.
I wish I could take your shift and your stupid dinner.
I regret that I have but one Yamamoto to give you.
Well, Mr.
Ricketts, it looks like your parrot suffers from egg-binding.
It's when a bird has an egg but can't lay.
Elway's pregnant? I thought she was a virgin.
Female parrots can actually lay eggs without ever having done the nasty with a male.
That's a great name by the way.
Oh, yeah.
Elway.
Yeah, I only named her after the best quarterback and front office guy of all time.
- You from Colorado? - Indian hills.
- Evergreen.
- Get out of town.
- I will not get out of town.
Wish I could, though.
They just got 40 inches of sweet, fluffy pow-pow on copper mountain last night.
God, I can't believe I'm stuck here in new york.
Me too.
You know, as hard as I've tried, I just I've never felt like an honest-to-goodness new yorker.
Six years I've lived here, And I still can't win a game of three-card monte.
I've been here two years.
I'm still afraid of riding on those underground trains.
Well, listen, Elway's gonna be just fine, But I'd like to keep her here overnight for treatment.
Okay.
Hey, you know what, If you're really missing Colorado, I'm going to this bar tonight over on 9th.
It's called rocky mountain empire.
It may just be me, but the air feels a little bit thinner over there.
Yeah, dude, I am in.
Or should I say Daffy.
Ooh! - Yeah, spread eagle! Helicopter.
- Dingleberry.
- Whirlybird.
Backstabber.
Yamamoto? I thought it was communal soup.
No, no.
Oh, forget about the soup.
Listen, there is a great dane coming in.
It's in critical condition.
Apparently it got hit by the cash cab.
How do they expect someone to drive a car and run a game show at the same time? It's lunacy.
Yamamoto, this is big.
All right? It's Bloomberg's dog.
Michael Bloomberg.
The Mayor.
- Of? - New York.
- City? Yeah.
Shouldn't we get George to do it? No, he is off tonight, okay? You are the attending.
Yamamoto, okay, you can do it! - I can do it.
- Yes.
- I can do it.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna do it.
- Okay.
Okay.
Okay, and, just in case you can't, George, please pick up.
not gonna lie.
I was pretty good.
I was better.
Hey.
What are you doing? May I see that, please? And then blooms called me and thanked me personally for saving Nasdaq.
You mean the mayor's dog's name is Nasdaq? Yup, and I told him he was up Oh, have we saved every animal's life in new york city? I guess we can all relax.
Okay.
So I heard there was some excitement here yesterday.
Congrats.
That's a pretty big surgery you pulled off.
Yeah, news flash.
Saving the world's most important dog from certain death is "a pretty big surgery," George.
Thanks.
Well, I don't know if it's the most important Who else? The Obama Dog? That's Malia's dog.
Barack doesn't even know its name.
First of all, stop saying "news flash.
" Second of all, take it from me, You got to be careful with this.
I have had my dances with fame I'm not dancing with fame.
I'm making sweet, sweet love to her.
And you know what? I'm raw dogging it.
- Oh, Dr.
Leiter.
- Hi.
I was gonna call you.
How did it go with George? Fantastic.
Um, he really sold me on the hospital.
- Is that his watch? - Yes.
You're probably gonna hear about this.
Long story short, one martini led to another, And he left his watch at my place.
Like a like in the foyer? - More nightstand.
- Okay.
Well, I'm glad you guys get along.
'cause that's great.
It's great to hear things so great.
You know? I don't know why I keep saying great, But obviously I think it's great.
Have at it, buster.
Uh-huh.
- Hey, George.
Do you happen to have the time? It is 10:33.
What? No.
No cell phones.
Now what time is it? It is still 10:33.
You're supposed to look at your watch.
Oh, not wearing my watch.
Oh.
A-ha! Looking for something? You left it at Dr.
Leiter's apartment.
That's right.
I took it off.
It kept getting caught in her hair.
George, you had sex with her? You knew I wanted to hire her.
You should.
She is a fantastic vet.
Smart, capable, flexible as a crazy straw.
I could get used to having someone like her around.
Ugh.
Very classy, George.
Very classy.
Hey, I'm starting to like our talks.
Are you ready to prep this little guy for the heart surgery? Why was that funny? No, I'm not that's not funny.
I'm not laughing at the cat.
I was just thinking how awesome it was that Ray Bourque finally won a Stanley cup when he was with the avalanche.
I'm gonna text max about it.
He'll get it.
Is max a boring guy who likes boring things? 'cause everything you just said is boring.
No, Angela, max is not boring.
He's awesome.
Took me out last night.
So you're dating dudes now.
I'm not dating dudes, okay? We just have good menergy.
It's hard to come by.
Did you know that there's a place in New York called Little Colorado? Max took me there last night with a bunch of his friends.
I'm pretty sure next time me and max are gonna go to third base.
Oh.
All right.
No, third base is a Colorado rockies bar, okay? Yeah, I've texted him a few times about it today, But he hasn't gotten back to me to set it up.
Are you getting reception in here? My phone's acting weird.
You've texted him a few times already today? A few.
Or six.
I'm sure he's just off drinking brews, being awesome, Wearing plaid somewhere.
If you send someone six texts and they haven't gotten back to you, then you should probably calm down.
Trust me, guys don't like it when you're all over their jocks.
I'm sure he's just busy.
He's a zamboni driver, Angela.
It's not like he has a ton of free time.
Sparkle, why didn't you tell me you were bringing Tiffany in? You know I would have cleared my schedule.
Sorry, George.
Sparkle's seeing Dr.
Yam-amazing now.
You understand.
Seriously? You're picking him over me? Hey, bitch.
What's with all the red dots? Lots of requests for Dr.
Yamamoto.
But you have an earwax removal that I'm sure you'll knock out of the park.
That's it.
There's only one silverback gorilla in a troop.
That silverback gorilla is me.
I'm not really sure what you're talking about.
I'm talking about that bear case.
I'm taking it, so just feel free to spread the word.
Actually, that's Dr.
Yamamoto's because Well, these just pop right off, So it's not even an issue.
Let me see what you got.
With all the money I spend on art lessons.
Our new yorker readers are interested in getting to know the real Dr.
Yam-amazing.
Well, the real Dr.
Yam-amazing is dynamic and yet whimsical.
I have a heart of gold, but the work Sir.
The bear just arrived.
I'm college-educated.
I just got a yellow belt in taekwondo.
That took me a year.
Uh, what was that, Howard? Oh, the bear is here.
I just I just can't hear you.
The bear is here.
Why the hell didn't you say so? I will not lose this bear! You don't want to miss this.
All right, team, Dr.
Coleman's on the case.
Dr.
George R.
Coleman.
Now I want nothing but a-game.
Champions only.
Beat it, Zadorian.
All right, what are we looking at? Hemilaminectomy? Is it tularemia? That's commonly contracted by ingesting infected rodent meat.
Come on, man.
What is it? He's here for a teeth cleaning.
I tried to tell you in there, but you were like Well, looks like everything's in order.
Nurse, you're in charge.
Okay, I'm in charge.
Get the biggest toothbrush we have.
And that's when I said good-bye to ranger.
You do realize that all of your stories end with the pet dying, right? Well, being a vet is hard.
Miss crane, I was wondering Angela, I'm in the middle of a job interview.
Oh, I thought you were gonna hire Dr.
Leiter.
It turns out that Dr.
Leiter was not right for the position.
Not right for the position? I mean, she must be better than this guy.
Look at him.
Are those scrubs or pajamas? They're scrubs, but I sleep in 'em.
Okay.
Angela.
Dr.
Leiter and George did something unprofessional.
What'd they do? Ooh, take x-rays of each other for funsies? You know it's not actually a bone? It won't even show up.
No.
Okay? No.
They slept together.
So obviously I cannot hire her.
Ohh.
What? Nothing.
I just thought you were over George, But you're obviously jealous.
- Okay, that's ridiculous.
- What's ridiculous is not hiring Dr.
Leiter because of her personal life.
You know what, there are a lot of great vets out there.
This guy's a top candidate.
This guy's asleep.
Ha.
I get my strength from each and every one of you.
You're my Yama-minis.
Wow.
Yamamoto's really blowing up, huh? - I wish.
- What? Sorry to bother you.
It's just I was looking over the report for the Bloomberg surgery.
The surgical team checked in five sponges, But only checked out four.
He left a sponge inside that dog.
Looks like the clock just struck midnight - on Dr.
Yam-amazing.
- Ta-da! Anything interesting? I don't know.
I really can't see anything.
I have some bad news.
Some unsettling details have come to light regarding the mayor's dog.
Is Nasdaq okay? I'm afraid not.
Apparently, we are missing a sponge.
And if we don't have it I left it in the dog.
Oh, my god.
I've already called the mayor's office, And they're bringing him back in.
Look, it happens.
I mean, not to me, but I'm so sorry, George.
I thought I was something special.
I thought I was yam-amazing.
But now I'm just Yama-moron.
Don't be confused by the glasses, George.
I'm still sad.
Yo, it's max.
You know what to do.
Hey, man, you got to call me back.
I'm getting super pissed over here.
Just kidding.
I'm not pissed.
But do call me back.
Hey, Maximilian.
It's me.
I just ordered, like, way too many chicken wings, So, if you're in the hood, come on by.
We'll get our cluck on.
Hey, man.
Missed you on those chicken wings.
Got pretty crazy over here.
Dougie did a blue cheese shot.
Sorry, Doug.
I think it's over.
You want to go drown your sorrows? No, I meant with ugh.
Never mind.
Dr.
Leiter, you are an amazing vet.
I mean, inspiring really, but here's the thing.
I just I really don't think that you would want to work here.
I'm sorry, did you call me in here to tell me that you're not hiring me? Because you know you can just do that over the phone.
No, that's okay.
Well, you should know that George and I dated two years ago.
He's my ex-boyfriend.
Oh.
Are you still into him? Whoa.
No.
Uh-uh.
No.
I mean, well, I'm sure George thinks I am, but Oh, my god.
Oh, I see you're busy.
Yes.
Very.
What? Want to come watch me clean up Yamamoto's mess? You are loving this, huh? Coleman back up on top.
- What? I'm the silverback.
It's just the natural order of things.
Silverback.
You know what, Yamamoto has lived in your shadow since the moment he came to this hospital.
Even a mighty silverback lets his troop-mate have a moment in the sun once in a while.
Uh, not factual.
Fine.
Then you're just mean.
That's factual.
This dog is the heart and soul of New York City.
Frankly, I'm not convinced this wasn't an assassination attempt.
People, Nasdaq is going to be just fine, So if we could all just calm down.
Calm down? We're the sixth and seventh assistants to the mayor of new york, okay? We're not gonna take the fall for this.
We are taking the dog to x-ray right now.
When we locate the sponge, We will let you know.
When the mayor finds out you almost killed his dog, You'll be delousing sewer rats in new jersey.
- I am so sorry - All right, that's enough.
Listen here, you sycophantic sack of bile - Yes, George, I am.
- Not you.
You're in my hospital now.
You're gonna show some respect.
The dog is gonna be just fine.
And one more thing, I don't know if you read the papers.
Dr.
Yamamoto is one of the best vets in the entire city.
So then how did he forget a sponge in the dog? It wasn't Yamamoto, all right? It was me.
He completed the surgery, Left me to do a final stitch-up, I left the sponge in the dog.
- George, you don't have to - So if you need to give the mayor a name, You tell him to call Dr.
George Coleman.
This is our dramatic exit.
Oh.
All right, so Elway's all set.
Great.
Thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
So is your phone broken or I sent you a couple of texts.
You sent me 63 texts.
Yeah, I may have smothered you a little, But in my defense I was in a complete blue cheese haze, bro.
You know what I'm talking about.
It's not the smothering, man.
You're just too new york.
I'm I'm too new york? What what are you talking about? Back in Little Colorado, you embarrassed me - in front of my friends.
- How? You got your beer, you put it in the glass.
Wh You called new york "the city.
" Everybody knows Denver's the city.
I'm still Colorado.
No, man, You're Colora-don't.
Hey, you okay, Doug? Okay? Are you kidding me? He just told me that I am too new york.
- Is that bad? - Yeah I'm too new york.
I'm I'm too new york.
I'm a new yorker.
I'm an official I'm big city Doug walkin' over here! Yeah! Hey, let's go celebrate with some drinks.
Yeah, but it's got to be somewhere really, really new york.
Times square.
Bubba gump shrimp company.
Let's do it.
Come on.
I'ma hit the ATM, go play some three-card monte.
My wife, my parents, My life coach, they were all right.
- I'm a fool.
- You're not a fool.
Listen, I should have let you have your moment in the sun.
The truth was I was a little envious.
No, George.
I'm sorry too.
I guess from time to time we've all flown too close to the sun.
Believe me, I've learned my lesson.
You see anything yet? Nothing.
Whoa.
There you go.
Can I see? Check the serial number.
I think we found our missing sponge.
Yam-amazing lives! I am god.
- Hey there.
- Hi.
Hope Dr.
Leiter wasn't too disappointed when you told her the bad news.
What bad news? I hired her.
What? Why would you do that? Need I remind you about the sex I had with her? - So? - So she went home with your ex-boyfriend, did carnal things with a phone cord that he will never forget.
That is your business.
Come on.
Who are you kidding? No one is more jealous George, you slept with her so I wouldn't hire her.
- Yeah.
- This is a new low.
And I'm talking to a guy who faked a stroke to get out of going to see The Lion King with me.
It was not factual.
Hyenas don't play the bongos.
Know what is factual? I hired her, I'm not jealous, and to be honest it doesn't even register.
Well, this day sucked.
Thank you.
You've seen the headlines, now meet the man.
We sat down with Dr.
Yam-amazing to find out what makes this hero tick.
Like, I'm a really spontaneous guy.
I'm fun, you know.
You know, I like to go to raves.
I'm like a survivor.
When I was eight years old, I legally died for six minutes.
I'm like a walking miracle.
I have a really rich family history.
On my mother's side, my great-great-grandfather was Emperor Hirohito.
And he was a great emperor and a really nice guy aside from the whole pearl harbor thing.
I'm kind of artistic.
I took second place in the Westchester art competition last year.
I made a six-foot ceramic statue of B.
D.
Wong.
He was great in Jurassic Park.