Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s01e04 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
I HAD TO PULL
THAT FLUSH 10 TIMES.
MY ARM'S KILLING ME.
OOH!
YOU'RE LOOKING IN
BLOOMING HEALTH TODAY.
THIS COUNTRY AIR
AGREES WITH ME,
MISS BRAHMS.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
I'VE LEFT OFF
MY FOUNDATION.
IT'S GIVEN MY SKIN
A CHANCE TO BREATHE.
THE COUNTRY AIR HAS CERTAINLY
PERKED MR. HUMPHRIES UP.
I THINK IT'S THA
YOUNG GIRL, MAVIS.
YOU KNOW,
SHE'S A SIMPLE CHILD,
BUT SHE SEEMS
DEVOTED TO HIM.
PROBABLY MAKES
A CHANGE FROM
ALL THOSE
ROUGH VILLAGE BOYS
THAT HANG 'ROUND
OUTSIDE THE PUB
AND TRY TO HAVE A KISS
AND CUDDLE WITH ANYONE
THAT GOES BY.
WHICH PUB IS THAT,
MISS BRAHMS?
"THE FOUR FERRETS."
MISS BRAHMS AND I POPPED IN
YESTERDAY AFTER YOUR TRIAL.
I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND IT.
THESE JUKEBOX THINGS THEY HAVE
RUIN THE ATMOSPHERE
OF A COACHING INN.
YOU WENT AND PRESSED
THE BUTTON
FOR "LOVE ME TENDER,
LOVE ME TRUE."
QUITE BY ACCIDEN
WITH MY ELBOW,
AS I WAS AVOIDING
THE BARMAID'S BOSOM
AS SHE PUSHED BY WITH
TWO PINTS OF PIG'S EYE SCRUMPY.
WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?
SOMETHING WHICH
WIPES OUT THE MEMORY
OF EVER HAVING ORDERED IT.
YOU WANNA STAY OU
OF THAT PUBLIC BAR,
FULL OF THOSE
FARM WORKERS, UGH!
I HAD TO GO
THROUGH THERE
TO GO TO THE LOO,
AND THERE WERE
ROUGH HANDS
ALL OVER ME.
OH, THANK YOU
FOR WARNING ME.
I HATE THA
SORT OF THING.
IS THAT THE PUB
ON THE CORNER,
OPPOSITE
THE POST OFFICE?
THAT'S THE ONE.
IT LOOKS QUITE NICE
FROM OUTSIDE.
GOOD MORNING,
MISS LOVELOCK.
GOOD MORNING,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK.
SOMEONE'S HOGGED
ALL THE HOT WATER
THIS MORNING.
REALLY?
HOW SELFISH OF HIM.
OFF ON YOUR BIKE,
ARE YOU?
I PROMISED TO EXERCISE
SIR ROBERT'S HUNTER.
I'LL BE BACK
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
TAKE ANY MESSAGES
FOR ME.
OH YES, MADAM.
OOH, THAT WOMAN GETS
RIGHT UP MY NOSE.
MR. GRACE PROBABLY
SPOILED HER A BIT.
OLDER MEN FREQUENTLY DO.
SO WE'VE NOTICED.
WHEW!
BEEN DOING
YOUR KEEP FIT?
YEAH, I'VE BEEN OU
FOR FOUR HOURS
MAVIS HAS HAD ME
IN THE VEGETABLE PATCH,
PICKING PEAS
FOR THE PEA SOUP.
DID YOU KNOW
I SHELLED FIVE POUNDS
BEFORE BREAKFAS
THIS MORNING?
IT IS WONDERFUL.
THEY COME IN LITTLE PACKETS.
YOU JUST POP THE END OPEN
AND OPEN THEM UP
AND THERE THEY ARE.
NO ADDITIVES, NO "E'S,"
NO ARTIFICIAL COLORING.
JUST A LOT OF LITTLE
GREEN BUGS MUNCHING.
I THINK I'LL SKIP
THE PEA SOUP.
NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL HERE.
WE MUST HAVE A MEETING.
ARE YOU FREE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
YES, AT THE MOMENT.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
MISS BRAHMS?
YES, WE ARE FREE.
- MR. HUMPHRIES, ARE YOU
- I'M FREE.
I HAVE A RATHER SERIOUS
MATTER TO DISCUSS.
BEFORE YOU START,
MR. RUMBOLD,
MAY I HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING
REGARDING
THE BATHWATER?
WHEN I PERFORMED
MY ABLUTIONS THIS MORNING,
I GOT THREE INCHES OF HOT,
AND ABOUT TWO FOOT OF TEPID!
THE BATHS ARE
VERY BIG HERE
AND PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN OVERINDULGING.
YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK WAS
IN THERE FOR HOURS
THIS MORNING.
THERE WAS ALL STEAM
COMING OUT THE KEYHOLE.
I HOPE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING
THROUGH IT, MISS BRAHMS.
I WOULD'VE DONE,
BUT MISS LOVELOCK
WOULDN'T MOVE OVER.
IS THAT A FACT?
JUST WINDING YOU UP.
WE MUST ALL REALIZE IT IS
AN OLD FASHIONED SYSTEM.
WE'LL HAVE TO
RATION OURSELVES
TO FIVE INCHES.
DO YOU AGREE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
REALLY, WE HAD ALL THA
DURING THE WAR,
AND FIVE INCHES
GOES NOWHERE.
SPEAKING FOR MYSELF, FOUR INCHES
WOULD BE MORE THAN ADEQUATE.
IS NOT THE SOLUTION
TO PROVIDE MORE HOT WATER?
NO IT ISN'T.
ME AND MAVIS WERE
IN THAT WOODSHED
FOR HOURS,
TO'ING AND FRO'ING
WITH A CROSS SAW
YESTERDAY.
AND THE WOOD'S
ALL GONE.
I DO NOT INTEND TO GIVE UP
MY USUAL BIG BATH.
PERHAPS YOU'LL HAVE TO GO
INTO THE WOODSHED WITH MAVIS.
OH, I'LL ORGANIZE
A ROTA FOR WOOD DUTY.
THOSE WHO WANT MORE WATER
CAN CHOP MORE WOOD.
POINT OF ORDER,
MR. RUMBOLD.
IS MISS LOVELOCK
ENTITLED
TO A BATH
IN THE MAIN HOUSE,
SEEING HOW SHE'S DOMICILED
IN THE GROOM'S QUARTERS?
YES, WE DO HAVE A BIT OF
A DEMARCATION PROBLEM THERE.
I'M SURE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
WILL HELP FILL HER QUOTA.
OR SHARE HIS BATH?
IT'S ONLY FAIR, IF, AS HE SAYS,
HE HAS AN UNUSUALLY BIG ONE.
YES, WELL,
WHAT I WANTED
TO DISCUSS,
NOW THAT WE'VE DEAL
WITH THE URGENT MATTER
OF THE BATH WATER,
IS THAT I HAVE RECEIVED
A PHONE CALL
FROM THE TRAVEL AGEN
WHO BOOKED THE AMERICAN PARTY
WHO ARE STAYING WITH US
THIS WEEKEND
AS PART OF THEIR
TOUR OF OLD ENGLAND.
WILL THEY WANT BATHS,
AND ALL?
IT SEEMS THA
THE LAST PLACE THEY STAYED
WAS A BIT BELOW PAR.
THEY HAD DAMP SHEETS,
OVERGROWN GARDENS,
DUST AND SO ON,
ALL OVER EVERYTHING.
AS A RESULT OF WHICH,
THAT HOTEL HAS BEEN
STRUCK OFF THE LIST.
NOW WE DON'T WANT THA
TO HAPPEN TO US.
THEY PAY VERY WELL.
WELL OVER £1000 PER WEEKEND,
PLUS TIPS.
BUT WHO ARE
THEY GOING TO TIP?
WE'VE GOT NO STAFF!
WE HAVE HAD SOME REPLIES,
AND I SHALL BE INTERVIEWING
SOME OF THE APPLICANTS
THIS AFTERNOON.
MEANWHILE,
TIME IS SHORT.
I THINK WE SHOULD
BUCKLE TO
AND GET THIS PLACE SHIPSHAPE
AND BRISTOL FASHION.
OH, DOES THAT MEAN
CALLING BACK MISS LOVELOCK?
I HAVE MADE OU
A SUGGESTED LIS
OF TASKS.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WOULD YOU BE GOOD ENOUGH
TO DEAL WITH THE LAWNS?
THE LAWNS ARE
RATHER EXTENSIVE.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING ME
TO MOW THEM SINGLE-HANDED?
PERHAPS YOU COULD
GET MISS LOVELOCK TO
HARNESS UP HER HORSE?
MISS BRAHMS,
IT HAS NOT ESCAPED
MY ATTENTION
THAT YOU HAVE BEEN IMPLYING
THAT I AM ATTRACTED
TO MISS LOVELOCK
IN SOME WAY.
OVERT REFERENCES TO
SHARING MY BATH,
UNCALLED-FOR FOR REMARKS,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
ABOUT OLDER MEN
AND YOUNGER WOMEN,
NOT TO MENTION
"BIG ONES."
ALL THIS HAS NO
ESCAPED MY ATTENTION.
AND LET ME STATE,
HERE AND NOW,
THAT I WAS JUST SHOWING
THE ORDINARY COURTESY
EXPECTED OF A GENTLEMAN
TOWARDS A, UM
GOOD LOOKING BIRD?
TOWARDS A WELL-BRED
YOUNG LADY
WHO DID,
LET'S US FACE IT,
LOOK AFTER
MR. GRACE IN HIS,
LET US SAY
RECLINING YEARS.
I THINK YOU'VE
MADE YOUR POINT.
I'M SURE NO OFFENSE
WAS INTENDED,
AND THERE IS
A RIDE-ON MOWER.
ON BEHALF OF
MISS BRAHMS AND MYSELF,
MAY I SAY THA
NO OFFENSE WAS INTENDED.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT,
MISS BRAHMS?
YES. WE'RE JUST AMAZED
YOU CAN STILL PULL.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO SAY,
HERE AND NOW,
THAT REMARKS HAVE BEEN MADE
ABOUT ME AND MISS MOULTERD.
AND I DON'T MIND A BIT.
IF THAT'S SETTLED,
CAN WE GET ON?
YES, YES OF COURSE.
WEEDS, MR. HUMPHRIES.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
COULD YOU
WEED THE BEDS?
IT'S A LONG TIME
SINCE I DID THAT.
AND WHILE
YOU'RE ABOUT IT,
CUT SOME FLOWERS
FOR MRS. SLOCOMBE
TO ARRANGE.
ROSES WOULD BE NICE,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'LL FIND SECATEURS
IN THE SHED.
IF NOT, THEY'LL BE
NON-SECATEURS.
NOBODY GOT THAT,
DID THEY?
PERHAPS YOU COULD
TRY IT ON MISS LOVELOCK?
SORRY.
MISS BRAHMS,
COULD YOU VACUUM
THE CARPET AND THE STAIRS?
DO THE DUSTING
AND THE SHEETS CAME
BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY
STILL A LITTLE ON
THE DAMP SIDE.
PERHAPS YOU COULD
HANG THEM OUT TO AIR?
AND MAKE SURE
THERE IS SOAP,
TOWELS, AND LOO ROLLS
IN THE BATHROOM AND
HANG ON A MINUTE!
I'M NOT BLEEDING CINDERELLA!
PERHAPS WE COULD WATCH
OUR LANGUAGE, MISS BRAHMS?
HE GETS ON MY WICK!
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT,
I WAS OVERLOADING YOU.
PERHAPS MR. HUMPHRIES
COULD DEAL WITH
THE KITCHEN
WITH MISS MOULTERD?
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
PERHAPS YOU COULD
HELP WITH THE SHEETS?
WHAT ABOU
THE VACUUMING?
COULD YOU HELP
WITH THAT TOO,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
I'M NOT LUGGING
A GREAT BIG VACUUM
UP ALL THOSE STAIRS,
AND I AM UNANIMOUS
IN THAT!
NO, IT'S NOT A BIG ONE,
IT'S ONLY A "JUNIOR GOBLIN."
I'M SURE THE GENTLEMEN
WILL HELP.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
COULD YOU MANAGE
A "JUNIOR GOBLIN"
UP THE STAIRS?
AH, MISS LOVELOCK,
IT'S A FINE ANIMAL.
YES. SHE'S GO
A LOT OF ARAB IN HER.
MAKES HER A BIT WILD.
OH, YES, WELL THA
CAN BE EXPECTED.
FORTUNATELY, I HAVE
VERY STRONG THIGHS.
I CAN CRUSH
THE BREATH OUT OF HER
AND SLOW HER DOWN.
THAT SORT OF CONTROL
MUST BE INVALUABLE.
I WONDER IF
YOU COULD TELL ME
WHERE THE MOWER IS?
I'M GOING TO
MANICURE THE LAWN.
OF COURSE.
I'LL COME ALONG WITH YOU,
AND HELP TO GET YOU GOING.
HAS IT GOT A STARTER?
JUST NEEDS A STRONG PULL.
I'LL FOLLOW
YOUR TECHNIQUE
WITH INTEREST.
YOU ARE TALL,
AREN'T YOU?
JUST 6' 2".
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M THE SAME HEIGH
AS RAMONE NAVARO.
WHO'S HE?
OH, JUST ONE OF THOSE
NEW ROCK SINGERS.
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES!
DON'T TELL ME
YOU JUST CUT ALL
THOSE FLOWERS FOR ME?
I'VE CERTAINLY
JUST CUT THEM.
OH, THEY'RE LOVELY.
HAVE YOU EVER
RODDED A DRAIN?
NO, BUT I'VE DEALT WITH
MY MOTHER'S KITCHEN SINK
WITH A RUBBER PLUNGER.
YOU STICK
THIS THING IN
AND SHOVE I
UP AND DOWN.
I THINK THERE'S
A DEAD RAT DOWN THERE.
I'LL GO PUT YOUR
LOVELY FLOWERS IN A BUCKET.
YOU GOT A NATURAL
TALENT FOR THAT.
IT'S MY FIRST TIME.
OH, IT'S A REALLY GOOD
DRYING DAY, MISS BRAHMS.
ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS JUST PEG THEM
OUT ON THE LINE,
AND THE BREEZE
WILL DO THE REST.
YES, WELL USUALLY
I JUST TAKE THEM
DOWN THE LAUNDRETTE.
BY THE TIME
I'VE DONE TESCOS,
THEY'RE ALL FINISHED.
YOU'RE LIVING IN
THE COUNTRY NOW,
MISS BRAHMS.
SHOULD I GET A LADDER?
IT'S A BIT HIGH, ISN'T IT?
( CHUCKLES )
SILLY GIRL.
OLD FASHIONED,
BUT EFFECTIVE.
WE'VE GOT TO LEARN
TO DO THINGS FOR
OURSELVES NOW.
YES. I SUPPOSE
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN LUCKY.
THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN
SOME FELLA THERE TO
DO THINGS FOR ME.
WELL, UNTIL RECENTLY.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO THAT MAN WITH
THE AMUSEMENT ARCADE
IN NEWPORT PAGNALL?
HE GOT HI
BY THE RECESSION.
AND THEN BY HIS WIFE
WHEN SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT ME.
WAS THAT THE TIME
IN THAT HOTEL
YES.
WHEN YOU WERE CAUGH
ON THE FIRE ESCAPE
IN YOUR NIGHTIE
YES.
COULD THEY TELL
IT WAS YOU IN THE PHOTO?
NO, BUT THEY COULD
SEE IT WAS HIM
WHEN HE WAS CLIMBING
OUT THE WINDOW WITH
HIS LEG OVER.
MISS BRAHMS?
HOW LONG WAS IT?
WE WERE TOGETHER
FOR FIVE YEARS.
EVERY TUESDAY.
WELL, YOU MUSTN'
GIVE UP HOPE.
YOU'RE STILL A VERY
ATTRACTIVE PERSON.
- THANK YOU.
- WHEN YOU DO YOURSELF UP.
YOU'VE GO
A LOT TO OFFER.
UNLESS THEY'VE GOT SOME LOLLY,
I'M NOT OFFERING IT.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
I'M KEEPING AN EYE OPEN
ON MY OWN BEHALF.
OH.
THERE ARE A LOT OF
MEN OF PROPERTY ABOU
IN THIS PAR
OF THE COUNTRY.
AND IF I FIND ONE,
I SHALL POUNCE!
YES.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO HELP YOU PUT IT UP?
OH, THANK YOU.
THERE.
THEY'LL DRY
IN NO TIME.
WE'D BETTER GO AND
TACKLE THE INTERIOR.
THAT MR. MOULTERD,
HE'S GOT HIS EYE ON YOU.
AH! DON'T THINK
I HAVEN'T NOTICED.
YOU KNOW
I'M NOT SNOBBISH,
BUT HE IS A BI
BELOW MY STATION.
REAL SON OF THE SOIL,
ISN'T HE?
AND MOST OF I
IS UNDER HIS FINGERNAILS.
( MOTOR RUMBLING )
WHAT SILLY COW
PUT THAT THERE?
DON'T ANSWER HIM,
MISS BRAHMS.
THAT'S THE THROTTLE,
THAT'S THE CLUTCH.
CAREFUL WITH THE THROTTLE,
IT'S A BIT STICKY.
- WHERE'S THE BRAKE?
- THERE ISN'T ONE.
START HER UP.
OH, YES, HEH HEH.
( RATTLES )
OH. RIGHT.
( RATTLES )
I SUPPOSE
THERE'S A KNACK?
IT JUST NEEDS
A QUICK PULL.
ALLOW ME.
( ENGINE STARTS )
GET ON.
NOW JUST RELEASE
THE CLUTCH,
AND AWAY YOU GO.
SEE YOU LATER.
YEOW!
YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST!
TURN AT THE TOP
AND COME BACK THE OTHER WAY!
I SAY, YOU,
NIGEL MANSEL!
NO NEED TO MOW
THE VERGES,
THE COUNCIL WILL
DO THAT, MADCAP.
( MAVIS HUMMING )
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
YOU'RE BRINGING THA
FLOOR UP A FAIR TREAT.
I THINK I'VE GO
HOUSEMAID'S KNEE.
OH DEAR, HAVE YOU
HAD IT BEFORE?
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'VE GOT IT IN ME HAND.
MY MOTHER HAD
QUITE A SHOCK.
YOU NEED A REST.
GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE STEW.
ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT. WE'VE DONE
THE CARROTS AND
THE PARSNIPS.
- GIVE ME A HAND
WITH THE ONIONS.
- WHAT DO WE DO?
PEEL 'EM AND CHOP 'EM,
DIP 'EM IN THE WATER
AND YOU DON'T GET THEM
IN YOUR EYES AS MUCH.
OH, MY MOTHER
USED TO DO THAT.
YOU TALK ABOU
YOUR MOTHER A LOT.
WHEN DID YOU
FINALLY LEAVE HOME?
THURSDAY.
HAVE YOU NEVER
BEEN MARRIED?
NO, NEVER.
I NEVER FOUND
MISS RIGHT.
SEEMS LIKE YOUR LIFE'S
BEEN A BIT LONELY.
OH, YES.
I SUPPOSE SO.
STILL, I'VE HAD
A GOOD LIFE.
I'VE HAD SOME
LOVELY CHRISTMASES.
( BOTH SNIFFING )
I GOT A LOT OF CARDS.
THE MILKMAN, AND THE DUSTMAN
USED TO COME IN
AND HAVE A DRINK
AND TELL A FEW JOKES.
WE DID LAUGH.
I'VE BEEN ON SOME
NICE HOLIDAYS AS WELL.
I USED TO GO TO
WESTON-SUPER-MARE,
PADDLE AND LISTEN
TO THE BAND.
I OFTEN USED TO
THINK TO MYSELF,
"ARE OTHER PEOPLE
HAVING THIS MUCH FUN?"
IT'S NICE TO HAVE
HAPPY MEMORIES
YOU CAN LAUGH ABOUT.
I'VE HAD A LOVELY LIFE
HERE IN THE COUNTRY.
AND IT'S BEEN A LOT HAPPIER
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN HERE.
( BOTH SOB )
( VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING )
ARE THOSE
FLOWERS HEAVY?
PARDON?
I SAID, "ARE THEM
FLOWERS HEAVY?"
MISS BRAHMS,
IF YOU ARE INFERRING
THAT I AM NO
PULLING MY WEIGHT,
MAY I REMIND YOU
I HAVE VACUUMED
THIS ENTIRE ROOM
WHILE YOU WERE
UNWRAPPING LOO ROLLS,
WHICH IS HARDLY
EXHAUSTING.
MIND YOU, I DON'T THINK
THESE CARPETS
WILL NEED DOING AGAIN
IN A HURRY.
MOST OF THE PATTERN
WENT UP THE PIPE.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE
TO THAT VACUUM.
THERE'S HARDLY
ANY SUCK LEFT.
I'VE HAD THE SAME DEAD MOTH
UP THE NOZZLE THREE TIMES
KEEPS FALLING OUT.
IF YOU ASK ME,
THE SOONER THE STAFF
GET HERE, THE BETTER.
I'LL SECOND THAT.
I MUST CONGRATULATE YOU
ON THE STEW, MR. HUMPHRIES.
MIND YOU, THE GRAVY
WAS A BIT SALTY.
WE CRIED A LO
INTO THE ONIONS.
I SHOULD LIKE TO
CONGRATULATE YOU ALL
ON YOUR EFFORTS THIS MORNING.
THE FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS
LOOKED PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE,
AND THE CARPET CAME UP
REMARKABLY WELL.
YEAH.
MOST OF IT CAME UP THE VACUUM.
I AM NOT, HOWEVER,
SO PLEASED ABOUT THE LAWNS.
THE STRIPES SHOULD GO
UP AND DOWN,
NOT ROUND AND ROUND
IN A CIRCLE.
THAT WAS THE SECOND TIME
THE THROTTLE STUCK.
I ALSO HAD A COMPLAIN
YOU WERE SEEN
DRIVING THE MOWER
ON THE PUBLIC HIGHWAY.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME
THE THROTTLE STUCK.
THERE'S ALSO THE QUESTION
OF WHAT YOU INTEND TO DO
ABOUT THE HOLE
IN THE HEDGE?
I HAVE A SUGGESTION
ABOUT THAT.
WHAT IS THAT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I'M GOING TO SUGGES
THAT YOU GET OUT THERE
AND STUFF IT UP YOURSELF.
I AM NOT USED TO
BEING SPOKEN TO
LIKE THAT!
YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT!
WE'RE NOT IN THE STORE NOW!
NOW THEN.
THAT'S ENOUGH OF
THAT BICKERING.
CROSS WORDS
MAKE CROSS FACES.
WE DON'T WANT THEM
AT THE TABLE.
AND YOU MR. RUMBOLD,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY
LEAVING THOSE POTATOES?
WE'RE NOT HAVING
SAUCY PLATES 'ROUND HERE.
WASTE NOT, WANT NOT
NOW EAT 'EM UP OR
YOU GET NO PUDDING.
( MUMBLES )
I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
DON'T YOU TALK
WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.
YOU SHOULD DO A BI
MORE WORK 'ROUND HERE.
MR. HUMPHRIES NEARLY
DONE HIMSELF IN,
RODDING THIS MORNING.
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WISH TO SAY,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
I THINK I'LL HAVE
MR. RUMBOLD'S POTATOES.
SORRY TO BARGE IN WHILE YOU GO
YOUR SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.
I'VE JUST COME TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M REAL CUT UP
ABOUT THEM SHEETS.
I SUPPOSE IT WASN'
REALLY YOUR FAULT.
I'VE HOSED HOT WATER
IN THE COW'S
DRINKING TROUGH,
PUT THE SHEETS
IN TO SOAK.
WHICH SHEETS ARE THOSE?
MRS. SLOCOMBE AND I
HUNG 'EM OUT TO AIR AND
HE RUN OVER 'EM IN A TRACTOR.
AND WHY
WASN'T I INFORMED?
YOU WERE TOO BUSY POKING
YOUR NOSE INTO THE HOLE
IN THE HEDGE.
IF YOU START AGAIN,
YOU'LL GET NO PUDDING NEITHER.
MR. MOULTERD,
WAS THE TANK CLEAN?
OH YES, I HOSED IT OU
WITH SHEEP DIP,
AND THEN I PUT IN
ONE OF THEM DETERGENTS
LIKE THEY HAS
ON TELEVISION.
ALL THEY NEED NOW
IS A GOOD STIR
TO GET THE TIRE MARKS OUT.
WE BETTER GO SEE
WHAT HE'S DONE.
THERE IT IS.
IT'S A HORSE TROUGH.
THAT'S WHAT WE USE
IN THE COUNTRY WHEN
THERE'S A BIG JOB.
COURSE, WE USED TO DO I
IN THE STREAM,
TILL SIR ROBERT LE
HIS COWS PAT IN IT.
MIND YOU,
THAT STREAM STILL BRINGS
MY TROUSERS UP A TREAT.
IT'S LUCKY WE'VE GO
ALL THIS MODERN EQUIPMENT.
IT'S NO GOOD YOU ALL
LOOKING AT IT.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
TAKE YOUR SHOES
AND SOCKS OFF.
HUH?
ROLL UP YOUR TROUSERS
AND GET IN AND TEASEL
THE DIRT OUT.
WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
TUCK YOUR SKIRTS
IN YOUR KNICKERS.
MR. MOULTERD!
WHY SHOULD YOU WORRY?
I'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.
YOU HAVE NO
SEEN IT ALL BEFORE!
COME ON,
TEASELING'S GOOD FUN.
COME ON IN.
THE WATER'S
LOVELY AND WARM.
YOU CAN'T TEASEL
WITHOUT A TEASELING SONG.
DAD'S KNOWN ALL OVER
FOR HIS TEASELING.
I KNEW YOU'D BE
A GOOD SPOR
AND JOIN IN.
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
( CONCERTINA PLAYS )
TEASEL DUM
AND TEASEL DEE ♪
TEASEL TILL IT'S
TIME FOR TEA ♪
TEASEL LEF
AND TEASEL RIGHT ♪
TILL THE SHEETS
ARE NICE AND WHITE. ♪
ALL TOGETHER.
( ALL SING )
TEASEL DUM AND TEASEL DEE ♪
TEASEL TILL IT'S
TIME FOR TEA ♪
TEASEL LEF
AND TEASEL RIGHT ♪
TEASEL TILL
THE SHEETS ARE WHITE. ♪
CATCHY LITTLE THING,
ISN'T IT?
LIFT OUT THE DIR
AND OUT THE STAIN ♪
TILL IT'S
TEASELING TIME AGAIN ♪
TEASEL UP
AND TEASEL DOWN ♪
MAKE'S YOUR TROUSERS
NICE AND BROWN. ♪
( CONCERTINA
CONTINUES PLAYING )
THERE. THAT'LL DO.
THEY'RE STILL
A BIT DAMP.
THEY'LL DRY OFF
ON THE RACK.
STILL A FAINT AROMA
OF SHEEP DIP.
BUNG SOME AIR
FRESHENER ON 'EM.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
NOW WHA
SHALL WE HAVE?
"EVENING DEW" OR
"AUTUMN VERBENA SURPRISE"?
DON'T USE THAT ONE,
IT'S OVEN CLEANER.
WE DON'T WAN
TO GO TEASELING AGAIN.
STAND BACK.
AH, I HAVE GOOD NEWS.
( SNIFFING )
SOME APPLICANTS HAVE ARRIVED
FOR THE STAFF APPOINTMENTS.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
ARE YOU FREE TO INTERVIEW?
I SHALL BE IN A MOMENT.
I'LL FINISH THESE OFF.
YOU RUN ALONG,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
AND DO YOUR INTERVIEWING.
OFF YOU ALL GO.
I'LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA
WAITING FOR YOU WHEN
YOU'VE DONE.
WE'LL INTERVIEW THEM
IN THE MAIN HALL.
THIS IS NOW A MATTER
OF SOME URGENCY,
AS MR. FROBISHER
OF THE TRAVEL AGENCY
IS ARRANGING FOR
A PHOTOGRAPHER TO COME
TOMORROW MORNING
TO TAKE A PICTURE OF
THE STAFF FOR THE NEW BROCHURE.
BEFORE WE START,
CAN WE AGREE
WHAT QUALITIES
WE'RE LOOKING FOR?
HARD WORKERS.
AND THEY MUST HAVE
GOOD REFERENCES.
THEY MUST BE GAME
FOR A TEASEL.
THEY MUST BE CHEAP.
MR. MOULTERD IS
HOLDING THEM BACK
IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.
- HOW MANY ARE THERE?
- AT THE MOMENT
TWO.
COULD WE HAVE
THE FIRST ONE?
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.
AH, MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON IS
APPLYING FOR THE POS
OF CHAMBERMAID.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
DO SIT DOWN.
PERHAPS YOU'D
GIVE US YOUR C.V.?
YOUR WHAT?
YOUR C.V.
NO,
I'M A LAPSED CATHOLIC.
WHAT WAS YOUR
LAST POSITION?
I WAS IN MADAME TUSSAUD'S
FOR 10 YEARS.
WHAT SECTION DID THEY
PUT YOU IN?
HISTORICAL.
REALLY?
THERE'S NOT A MONARCH
WHO HASN'T HAD
MY FEATHER DUSTER
UP HIS REGALIA.
I WAS THERE FOR 10 YEARS,
AND I ENDED UP
IN THE "CHAMBER OF HORRORS."
BRIDE IN THE BATH.
DID YOU LEAVE
OF YOUR OWN VOLITION?
NO, I LEFT BY AMBULANCE.
I GET THESE DIZZY SPELLS,
YOU SEE.
ARE YOU ACQUAINTED WITH
A VACUUM CLEANER?
OH, YES.
BUT I DON'T DO STAIRS.
WHAT ABOUT WASHING UP?
NO, I CAN'T PUT ME HANDS
IN DETERGENT,
THEY ALL COME UP.
CAN YOU MAKE BEDS?
OH YES.
BUT I CAN'T CHANGE SHEETS
AND PILLOW CASES.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
I USED TO TRAP THE PILLOW
UNDER ME CHIN,
BUT SINCE I HAD MY OPERATION,
I'M NOT VERY GOOD
YES, WELL THANK YOU,
MRS. CLEGHAMPTON.
I THINK WHAT WE
HAVE IN MIND FOR YOU
IS PERHAPS TOO ARDUOUS.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
I DON'T THINK SHE'S GOING
TO MAKE IT TO THE DOOR.
OH, MR. RUMBOLD,
BE GENTLE WITH HER.
OF COURSE.
NEXT!
OH, THE NEXT ONE
IS MR. VOLPONE.
HE'S BEEN
A FIRST CLASS WAITER
FOR 30 YEARS
IN BRISTOL,
MANCHESTER, GLASGOW,
LONDON AND EDINBURGH.
IN HOTELS?
RESTAURANT CARS,
BRITISH RAIL.
MAVIS GO
THE TEA MADE,
AND MR. VOLPONE
IS JUST WAITING
TO DEMONSTRATE
HIS SKILL
BY BRINGING I
TO YOU.
30 YEARS AS
A RESTAURAN
CAR ATTENDAN
IS A PRETTY GOOD
RECOMMENDATION.
SHOW HIM IN.
MR. VOLPONE.
I THINK HE'S BEEN
SHUNTED INTO A SIDING.
ANY MORE FOR
THE FIRST SITTING?
MIND THE DOORS.
I OUGHT TO MENTION THA
THE UNIFORM GOES WITH THE JOB.
HE'S GOT YESTERDAY'S
LUNCH MENU DOWN IT.
THANK YOU, MR. VOLPONE.
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
I'M ON THE 8:45
TO EDINBURGH.
YOU CAN GET IN TOUCH WITH ME
AT DARLINGTON BECAUSE
THE STATION MASTER THERE
WILL HOLD A BOARD UP
WITH A MESSAGE ON IT.
BUT DON'T MAKE IT TOO LONG.
IT'S AN EXPRESS.
( DISHES CRASHING )
WELL, THAT'S IT THEN.
OH, I'M FROBISHER,
THE TRAVEL AGENT.
I'M SORRY,
I COULDN'T GE
THE PHOTOGRAPHER
FOR TOMORROW,
SO HE'LL BE
HERE AT 6:00
THIS EVENING.
HAVE THE STAFF
STANDING BY ABOU
FIVE TO.
SORRY, MUST DASH.
THE PLACE IS LOOKING
FIRST CLASS.
LOVE THE WHIRLY EFFEC
ON THE LAWN.
SEE YOU.
WELL, MR. RUMBOLD?
I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN
OPEN WITHOUT A STAFF.
BUT IF WE DON'T OPEN
WE DON'T COP THE LOLLY.
YOU'D BETTER GET OFF
YOUR BACKSIDES,
HADN'T YOU?
I'VE DONE MORE THAN
MY SHARE
( ALL ARGUING )
QUIET DOWN!
THAT DOES IT!
YOU'RE ALL
ARGUING AGAIN.
YOU'LL GE
NO SUPPER.
EXCEPT FOR YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU AND ME WILL HAVE
A LITTLE NIBBLE UPSTAIRS.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )