Are You There, Chelsea? (2011) s01e04 Episode Script
Strays
Hello.
Who are you? Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Dee Dee is not used to hairy strangers dropping their balls in her tub.
Sorry.
Where'd you get him, Chelsea? In the alley where all the heroin addicts hang out.
So I named him Keith Richards.
Come on, Chelsea, no more strays.
No more baby birds with broken wings.
No more homeless drummers and no dogs.
Olivia, you're basically a stray I took in.
Look how I turned out.
I read your mail.
I steal your prescriptions.
And I try on bathing suits without underwear.
Thank goodness for those little strips.
Please Fine.
Guys, the snow is melting off the mountains, and I don't want you to see my peaks.
Oh, thanks for making my drinks first.
Oh, thanks for making my drinks last.
God, she is so great.
She's getting married, Rick.
Yeah, I know.
Ok.
I just can't stop thinking about her Naked, rolling around on my king size bed.
King size bed? Best thing ever invented.
See, I don't really like a woman glomming onto me in the middle of the night.
Once I'm finished, I like to go to my separate corner, think about what I've done.
I slept next to the same woman for 40 years, God rest her soul.
She'd kick and grind her teeth.
I don't know what made her so tense.
Geez, uh, maybe you, 5 kids, and a fulltime job? Hey, she worked because she wanted to work.
And let me tell you.
I took care of your mother's needs, I'm back.
HeyYou.
You still don't know my name.
Girl, you know I know your name.
By the way, Kelsey, is there any way you can cover my shift tomorrow? I have a final fitting for my wedding gown.
Sure.
Anything for your wedding.
I am so excited.
Thanks.
You know you're not invited, right? Yeah.
And I hope you don't invite me to your 2nd or 3rd wedding.
Wow.
You're being incredibly cool to Nicky.
23 days until that rabid little hamster gets married and quits her job, which is going to be great for me.
And whether you know it or not, it's actually going to be better for you.
I don't know, Chelsea.
You know, when she's gone, you might just miss her.
'Cause deep down, she's a really good person.
And on the surface, she is a "really" good person.
Ok.
I'm done with you.
I'm talking to the boss.
Listen, stretch, Nicki Natoli is bad for you.
You stay away from her.
I'm not sure he heard you.
You might want to slap him around a little bit.
I'm sure you beat him enough.
Oh, hey, Todd.
So I've been thinking about your whole "separate corners" thing.
Your girlfriend really doesn't mind if you don't cuddle after sex? Dude, she hates cuddling, we have an open relationship, and her dad owns a go-kart track.
Couldn't get any better unless beer came out of her nipples.
Hey, Kelsey, I need another favor.
You know I don't like you, right? Tots.
That's why you're going to want to help me.
I think my fiancé's getting cold feet.
What? He can't do this to me.
He's ruining my special day.
I know.
It's really upsetting.
I mean, I don't know if it's because we've only been dating for 4 months.
But now Elliot's starting to wonder why I don't have many close friends.
Wait a second, you have "some" close friends? Well, I had one.
But she was kind of engaged to Elliot for a while.
So Ok.
What do we need to do to get this thing back on track? He wants to have dinner with me and my girlfriends.
So why don't you come and bring those freaks you live with.
You really think dinner with 2 strangers and a girl who hates you is going to change his mind? I have to do something or I'm going to lose Elliot.
And then I'll be stuck working at this bar.
With you.
Forever.
What do you want me to wear? It's so sad that Nicki doesn't have any friends.
Why doesn't she have any friends? Because she's a horrible, mean-spirited, spiteful person.
Well, there's something good in everyone.
The man who murdered my great aunt did beautiful calligraphy.
His apology note was stunning.
Oh, Chelsea, hi.
Hey, girls.
Hello.
Who are you? Oh, this is my grandmother Tess.
I invited her because family's really important to Elliot.
And I'm the only relative that still talks to her.
Hi, honey.
Ah! There's my gorgeous man! Girls, this is my future husband and the man I love more than anything in the world, Dr.
Elliot Golden.
Oh, this is my best friend Chelsea.
It's great to finally meet you.
Best friends don't shake.
We got to get all up in there.
Ha.
Ok, then.
Good, good.
Uh, who are your other friends? Oh, these areThe girls.
Hi.
We just love Nicki, because there's something good in everyone.
You know how you said you hadn't met anyone in my family? Well, this is my grandmother Tess.
Oh, my God.
Yes, grandma Tess.
Hello! How are you? Not so good, doctor.
All right, grandma.
Let's let's sit down, you little jokester.
And we're going to get you some chardonnay.
But I want a whiskey sour! I'm with you, sister.
I would like to make a toast.
To Elliot.
Elliot, ah You're a lucky guy.
You know, Nicki is an amazing person in my life.
Seems like every time we're having an unpleasant day at work, she's always there, you know.
Whenever someone steals my table, there's Nicki.
Every time I get stabbed in the back, I turn around.
There's my girl! And now she's going to be your girl.
Congratulations, Elliot.
You know, the way I see it, I am not losing a friend Cheers.
And if you ever, ever hurt my dear friend Nicki, I will come down on you like the hammer of God.
The hammer of God! Do you understand? Yes.
Olivia, we don't like her that much.
And where where'd you meet Nicki? Over there.
A long time ago.
We come here all the time You great guy.
Careful, Nicki, I might steal him.
That's ridiculous.
Think fast, Nicki.
Ow! Oh, I love it! You guys are nuts! You know what? I would like to make a toast.
Now I'm sure you all know that this has been a whirlwind romance.
And I've been wondering, you know, maybe if we were rushing into something.
You know, I hadn't even met any of you, but now that I have and I see how behind us you are, well Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
To my future bride! Ha ha! Yes! You hear that? He's going to marry the crap out of her.
Hey, can you pass the champagne? Mmm.
You know what? Allow me.
Hey, oh.
You must feel pretty good right now.
Yeah.
I guess I was looking for a way out because I was nervous.
I mean, to tell you the truth, Nicki by far is the prettiest woman I've ever dated.
Eh.
Deep down.
I just think she's too good for me.
You kidding? You are a stud muffin.
Really? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You're a doctor.
Women are like low-hanging fruit for you, dude.
Wake up! You could get any girl you want.
But it doesn't matter.
I meanYou got her.
Grandma, I'm not going to cut your meat for you.
If you can't chew it, why'd you order it? How do you get lipstick in the bottom of a glass? I don't know.
But I sure would like to meet that woman.
Hey, best friend! Hey, high school squeeze! You guys want to party?! Yeah! Whoo! Are you drunk? Drunk, dumped, homeless, pretty.
Had to throw that in 'cause it's true.
Wait a second.
Elliot dumped you? He did? Yeah.
He said he got all this big head and he was like, I'm a low-hanging fruit muffin.
Low-hanging fruit muffin.
Must be some sort of hip hop slang.
He said he could have any woman he wants.
And he wants a woman who's nice to her grandma.
Oh, well, you know what? I hope her grandma's not a bitch.
Well, you know, maybe you're better off without him.
No, no.
We need to get them back together.
You don't think I tried everything? Even begging, which does not come naturally to me.
Look, I have bruises on my knees.
Bruises.
Is the other thing or the begging? This isn't funny.
This is my life.
Look, I'm sorry, nicks.
I'll get you some coffee.
I don't want coffee! I need a place to sleep.
I can't sleep at Elliot's.
Ooh, can I come home with you? Oh.
Uh Heh.
Look, nicks, you have no idea how much I'd like to say yes.
But, come on, you just broke up with your fiancé.
You're clearly drunk out of your mind.
And, um, I'm not a consolation prize.
I'm so sad.
I wish there was someone who would have sex with me to make me feel better.
I'll go get my keys.
Wow.
I was almost proud of you.
Yeah.
You know what? You're right.
You're totally right.
Nicks, I don't know what I was thinking.
I can't.
Good.
Good for you, Rick.
Thanks.
You know, when you yelled at my penis, it really hit home.
I'm going to get you some coffee, ok? So can I stay with you? Are you kidding? You know, I don't blame you.
I get it.
I come in here.
I get this job.
I act like I'm better than you.
But I'm not better than you or anybody.
I'm so alone that right now, to me, you're my best friend in the whole world.
That is so sad! Oh, crap! No, don't split up and search the house.
I don't care if you'll cover more ground that way.
There are no black people in this movie.
So I have no idea who's going to die first! Oh, no! The killer crossed over into our world.
It's just for one night.
No, we hate her! Well, her fiancé dumped her.
She's a mess.
OhPoor Nicki.
Oh, now you guys can see what I do when you're drunk.
First, I make you comfortable.
And then I make you drink water.
Ah.
She's like you, Chelsea, no gag reflex.
Chelsea! What?! What? - What are you doing? - I can't sleep.
Oh, why don't you drink some more? No, I can't sleep alone.
OhFor God sakes.
Get in.
I thought Elliot was the one.
I can't believe it's over.
You really loved him? Yeah.
But, heh, somehow I always push people away.
And I don't know why.
Your nostrils are really weird shaped.
Look.
Maybe this is a life-changing moment.
Ok.
It could be just something you need to Take a hard look at yourself and come out a better person.
These sheets are scratchy.
What threat count are they? Shut up and go to sleep.
You shut up! Mmm.
Uh Hey, Keith Richards, hey, ass face.
This has been the greatest week.
I mean, the dog, the wheelbarrow, Nicki coming last night.
How could it get any better? You see what's happening here, Chelsea? Dee Dee is getting attached to Nicki.
All right, will you stop saying her name? It's going to be harder to put her down.
You can't just kick her out.
She has no friends.
She might make some.
Ass face made friends with a dog.
Ass face has really mellowed out the last few days.
I'm here.
Which one of you is ass face? The cat.
Now who wants strawberry pancakes? Oh, thanks Dee, you remembered.
Yep.
I put all the strawberries in the middle so it looks like a monkey butt.
These look amazing.
Thank you guys so much for taking care of me.
Whenever I see unattractive people on the street, I'm always wondering why God put them there.
But now I know it's to help the sad, pretty people.
Nicki, this is how you push people away.
Ok, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
To have a friend, you need to be a friend.
Oh, good one.
Like, why don't you ask Dee Dee how she's doing? How are you doing, Dee de no.
That is Dee Dee.
How are you doing, Dee Dee? I'm good.
This morning, I pretended my stuffed animals were the cast of "glee.
" I videotaped them performing Madonna's "ray of light" album.
I was so proud of them.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that, Chelsea? Ok.
That one is very advanced.
Mmm! You should pretend we're rich, fabulous models you want to impress.
Ok! Mmm.
That one's throwing me.
I'm going to throw you.
Ok.
Nicki, if you can't learn to have empathy with anyone, you're never going to have anybody in your life.
Ok.
I hear you.
And I'll work on it.
I promise.
Good.
And I'm sure the longer we're roommates, the more you'll rub off on me.
Aw I'm sorry, Dee Dee, we can't keep her.
So you must be stoked.
Nicki's free again, huh? Uh, no, actually.
I took a stand last night.
Shut her down.
You know, she wanted to have sex with me just to make herself feel better.
You know, just that wild, drunk, primalSex.
God, why didn't I just listen to my penis.
Your penis talks to you? You look terrible, Chelsea.
Well, I should.
I took in a stray dog and a stay girl, because her boyfriend broke up with her.
Oh.
Your mother used to take in strays.
She was a nurturer, and so are you.
No, I'm not.
Oh, you're not? You took pretty good care of your mother when she was sick.
Remember when you were 5 years old, we went to the dump to try our luck.
We found a stuffed Teddy bear.
Oh, yeah.
I remember him.
Joey.
Yeah! You said he was your baby.
You spent weeks trying to nurse him back to health.
I mean, we eventually had to get rid of him, 'cause you found a balloon full of heroin in his belly.
That was heroin? God, I was so innocent.
I thought it was cocaine.
That was an awful bear.
But you loved him.
The only way you'd let us get rid of him is if you knew he was going to a good home.
Right, a good home.
Did you ever find a place to send him? I told you I did.
But then I threw him in the reservoir.
Then I realized I had dumped a pound of heroin into the city's water supply.
That's why we went to Detroit and stayed with your aunt for a month.
Hmm.
Good times.
My dad used to say, "ironing was God's way of keeping your hands busy so your mind could focus on scripture.
" Fun story.
See? I totally listened.
Nicki, I've got good news.
Good for you.
No.
Actually, it's going to be good for you.
There's someone coming over who loves you and wants to be with you again.
You didn't?! I did.
Oh, my God! I'm a mess! What did you say?! Well, I said you were trying to be a better person.
And you're ready to share your life with someone who needs you as much as you need them.
Oh, wow! This is so romantic.
Hi, Nicole.
Oh, no You set me up with my grandma? Come on, it's perfect.
You're grandmother needs help.
And you need a place to say.
No! Nicki, she's your grandmother.
Have some respect.
In Korea, you'd be pulling her in a cart all over town.
Thanks, Olivia.
Keep the how-to-be-korean tips coming.
I think it'd be so neat to live with your grandmother.
Mine's having a test tube baby.
So she's really busy with that.
So you have a newborn aunt? I call her aunt baby.
You need time to get over that heartbreak.
And I need someone to help me get in and out of the tub.
I really hope this is rock bottom.
Come on, Nicki.
Listen.
I was pretty much a selfish piece of crap.
All right? Until I had to go take care of my mom when she was sick.
But you learn a lot.
I mean, I don't know why.
You you just do.
And as your best friend, I really, really recommend that you try it.
You're not going to let me stay here, are you? Girl, you know I won't.
Well, I am really spiritual so Maybe this is part of my journey.
Ok.
Plus, I've been married 3 times.
And I can teach you how to close the deal.
Ok.
Maybe I'll come for a week and see how it goes.
I'd be happy for the company.
Calm down.
I made some hot chocolate.
Anyone want some? Speaking of hot chocolate, I spent a night with Lou Gossett, Jr.
Not an officer, not a gentleman.
Ok.
We are all moving in with you, grandma.
Hey.
Hey.
You know, that was nice, getting Nicki and her grandmother together.
Yeah.
Glad I could find her a good home.
Yeah.
Don't get me wrong.
I am still very much into her.
But I think I'm going to give her space, let her come to me.
That sounds like a good plan, Rick.
Yeah.
In the meantime, if you get lonely, I met someone who I think you'll really like.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You know, maybe that'd be good for me.
What she look like? So cute.
Kind of a dirty blond.
Ooh.
Nice.
Yeah.
God, isn't it great to have our privacy again now that Nicki's gone? Oh, I was just thinking that, like, a minute ago.
You know, she crawled into my bed while I was sleeping, right? There is no excuse for that.
Oh, she really had no boundaries.
God, I hate that.
Taste the chicken! It's insane.
Mmm! Oh.
Sorry.
I'll get that.
Hey, is everyone decent? Yeah.
Come on in.
Rick! Hey, has anybody seen that rubber duck that my dog was chewing? Oh, that's my duck.
Found it! Todd! These candles are really nice, Dee Dee.
So relaxing.
I need to video this for my girlfriend.
She is a candle freak.
Ok.
Bath time is over! You wear a bathing suit in the tub? Yeah.
Until I get a lock on the door, I have to cover my 4 shamefuls.
4 shamefuls? Oh, yeah.
Got it.
Who are you? Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Dee Dee is not used to hairy strangers dropping their balls in her tub.
Sorry.
Where'd you get him, Chelsea? In the alley where all the heroin addicts hang out.
So I named him Keith Richards.
Come on, Chelsea, no more strays.
No more baby birds with broken wings.
No more homeless drummers and no dogs.
Olivia, you're basically a stray I took in.
Look how I turned out.
I read your mail.
I steal your prescriptions.
And I try on bathing suits without underwear.
Thank goodness for those little strips.
Please Fine.
Guys, the snow is melting off the mountains, and I don't want you to see my peaks.
Oh, thanks for making my drinks first.
Oh, thanks for making my drinks last.
God, she is so great.
She's getting married, Rick.
Yeah, I know.
Ok.
I just can't stop thinking about her Naked, rolling around on my king size bed.
King size bed? Best thing ever invented.
See, I don't really like a woman glomming onto me in the middle of the night.
Once I'm finished, I like to go to my separate corner, think about what I've done.
I slept next to the same woman for 40 years, God rest her soul.
She'd kick and grind her teeth.
I don't know what made her so tense.
Geez, uh, maybe you, 5 kids, and a fulltime job? Hey, she worked because she wanted to work.
And let me tell you.
I took care of your mother's needs, I'm back.
HeyYou.
You still don't know my name.
Girl, you know I know your name.
By the way, Kelsey, is there any way you can cover my shift tomorrow? I have a final fitting for my wedding gown.
Sure.
Anything for your wedding.
I am so excited.
Thanks.
You know you're not invited, right? Yeah.
And I hope you don't invite me to your 2nd or 3rd wedding.
Wow.
You're being incredibly cool to Nicky.
23 days until that rabid little hamster gets married and quits her job, which is going to be great for me.
And whether you know it or not, it's actually going to be better for you.
I don't know, Chelsea.
You know, when she's gone, you might just miss her.
'Cause deep down, she's a really good person.
And on the surface, she is a "really" good person.
Ok.
I'm done with you.
I'm talking to the boss.
Listen, stretch, Nicki Natoli is bad for you.
You stay away from her.
I'm not sure he heard you.
You might want to slap him around a little bit.
I'm sure you beat him enough.
Oh, hey, Todd.
So I've been thinking about your whole "separate corners" thing.
Your girlfriend really doesn't mind if you don't cuddle after sex? Dude, she hates cuddling, we have an open relationship, and her dad owns a go-kart track.
Couldn't get any better unless beer came out of her nipples.
Hey, Kelsey, I need another favor.
You know I don't like you, right? Tots.
That's why you're going to want to help me.
I think my fiancé's getting cold feet.
What? He can't do this to me.
He's ruining my special day.
I know.
It's really upsetting.
I mean, I don't know if it's because we've only been dating for 4 months.
But now Elliot's starting to wonder why I don't have many close friends.
Wait a second, you have "some" close friends? Well, I had one.
But she was kind of engaged to Elliot for a while.
So Ok.
What do we need to do to get this thing back on track? He wants to have dinner with me and my girlfriends.
So why don't you come and bring those freaks you live with.
You really think dinner with 2 strangers and a girl who hates you is going to change his mind? I have to do something or I'm going to lose Elliot.
And then I'll be stuck working at this bar.
With you.
Forever.
What do you want me to wear? It's so sad that Nicki doesn't have any friends.
Why doesn't she have any friends? Because she's a horrible, mean-spirited, spiteful person.
Well, there's something good in everyone.
The man who murdered my great aunt did beautiful calligraphy.
His apology note was stunning.
Oh, Chelsea, hi.
Hey, girls.
Hello.
Who are you? Oh, this is my grandmother Tess.
I invited her because family's really important to Elliot.
And I'm the only relative that still talks to her.
Hi, honey.
Ah! There's my gorgeous man! Girls, this is my future husband and the man I love more than anything in the world, Dr.
Elliot Golden.
Oh, this is my best friend Chelsea.
It's great to finally meet you.
Best friends don't shake.
We got to get all up in there.
Ha.
Ok, then.
Good, good.
Uh, who are your other friends? Oh, these areThe girls.
Hi.
We just love Nicki, because there's something good in everyone.
You know how you said you hadn't met anyone in my family? Well, this is my grandmother Tess.
Oh, my God.
Yes, grandma Tess.
Hello! How are you? Not so good, doctor.
All right, grandma.
Let's let's sit down, you little jokester.
And we're going to get you some chardonnay.
But I want a whiskey sour! I'm with you, sister.
I would like to make a toast.
To Elliot.
Elliot, ah You're a lucky guy.
You know, Nicki is an amazing person in my life.
Seems like every time we're having an unpleasant day at work, she's always there, you know.
Whenever someone steals my table, there's Nicki.
Every time I get stabbed in the back, I turn around.
There's my girl! And now she's going to be your girl.
Congratulations, Elliot.
You know, the way I see it, I am not losing a friend Cheers.
And if you ever, ever hurt my dear friend Nicki, I will come down on you like the hammer of God.
The hammer of God! Do you understand? Yes.
Olivia, we don't like her that much.
And where where'd you meet Nicki? Over there.
A long time ago.
We come here all the time You great guy.
Careful, Nicki, I might steal him.
That's ridiculous.
Think fast, Nicki.
Ow! Oh, I love it! You guys are nuts! You know what? I would like to make a toast.
Now I'm sure you all know that this has been a whirlwind romance.
And I've been wondering, you know, maybe if we were rushing into something.
You know, I hadn't even met any of you, but now that I have and I see how behind us you are, well Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
To my future bride! Ha ha! Yes! You hear that? He's going to marry the crap out of her.
Hey, can you pass the champagne? Mmm.
You know what? Allow me.
Hey, oh.
You must feel pretty good right now.
Yeah.
I guess I was looking for a way out because I was nervous.
I mean, to tell you the truth, Nicki by far is the prettiest woman I've ever dated.
Eh.
Deep down.
I just think she's too good for me.
You kidding? You are a stud muffin.
Really? Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You're a doctor.
Women are like low-hanging fruit for you, dude.
Wake up! You could get any girl you want.
But it doesn't matter.
I meanYou got her.
Grandma, I'm not going to cut your meat for you.
If you can't chew it, why'd you order it? How do you get lipstick in the bottom of a glass? I don't know.
But I sure would like to meet that woman.
Hey, best friend! Hey, high school squeeze! You guys want to party?! Yeah! Whoo! Are you drunk? Drunk, dumped, homeless, pretty.
Had to throw that in 'cause it's true.
Wait a second.
Elliot dumped you? He did? Yeah.
He said he got all this big head and he was like, I'm a low-hanging fruit muffin.
Low-hanging fruit muffin.
Must be some sort of hip hop slang.
He said he could have any woman he wants.
And he wants a woman who's nice to her grandma.
Oh, well, you know what? I hope her grandma's not a bitch.
Well, you know, maybe you're better off without him.
No, no.
We need to get them back together.
You don't think I tried everything? Even begging, which does not come naturally to me.
Look, I have bruises on my knees.
Bruises.
Is the other thing or the begging? This isn't funny.
This is my life.
Look, I'm sorry, nicks.
I'll get you some coffee.
I don't want coffee! I need a place to sleep.
I can't sleep at Elliot's.
Ooh, can I come home with you? Oh.
Uh Heh.
Look, nicks, you have no idea how much I'd like to say yes.
But, come on, you just broke up with your fiancé.
You're clearly drunk out of your mind.
And, um, I'm not a consolation prize.
I'm so sad.
I wish there was someone who would have sex with me to make me feel better.
I'll go get my keys.
Wow.
I was almost proud of you.
Yeah.
You know what? You're right.
You're totally right.
Nicks, I don't know what I was thinking.
I can't.
Good.
Good for you, Rick.
Thanks.
You know, when you yelled at my penis, it really hit home.
I'm going to get you some coffee, ok? So can I stay with you? Are you kidding? You know, I don't blame you.
I get it.
I come in here.
I get this job.
I act like I'm better than you.
But I'm not better than you or anybody.
I'm so alone that right now, to me, you're my best friend in the whole world.
That is so sad! Oh, crap! No, don't split up and search the house.
I don't care if you'll cover more ground that way.
There are no black people in this movie.
So I have no idea who's going to die first! Oh, no! The killer crossed over into our world.
It's just for one night.
No, we hate her! Well, her fiancé dumped her.
She's a mess.
OhPoor Nicki.
Oh, now you guys can see what I do when you're drunk.
First, I make you comfortable.
And then I make you drink water.
Ah.
She's like you, Chelsea, no gag reflex.
Chelsea! What?! What? - What are you doing? - I can't sleep.
Oh, why don't you drink some more? No, I can't sleep alone.
OhFor God sakes.
Get in.
I thought Elliot was the one.
I can't believe it's over.
You really loved him? Yeah.
But, heh, somehow I always push people away.
And I don't know why.
Your nostrils are really weird shaped.
Look.
Maybe this is a life-changing moment.
Ok.
It could be just something you need to Take a hard look at yourself and come out a better person.
These sheets are scratchy.
What threat count are they? Shut up and go to sleep.
You shut up! Mmm.
Uh Hey, Keith Richards, hey, ass face.
This has been the greatest week.
I mean, the dog, the wheelbarrow, Nicki coming last night.
How could it get any better? You see what's happening here, Chelsea? Dee Dee is getting attached to Nicki.
All right, will you stop saying her name? It's going to be harder to put her down.
You can't just kick her out.
She has no friends.
She might make some.
Ass face made friends with a dog.
Ass face has really mellowed out the last few days.
I'm here.
Which one of you is ass face? The cat.
Now who wants strawberry pancakes? Oh, thanks Dee, you remembered.
Yep.
I put all the strawberries in the middle so it looks like a monkey butt.
These look amazing.
Thank you guys so much for taking care of me.
Whenever I see unattractive people on the street, I'm always wondering why God put them there.
But now I know it's to help the sad, pretty people.
Nicki, this is how you push people away.
Ok, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
To have a friend, you need to be a friend.
Oh, good one.
Like, why don't you ask Dee Dee how she's doing? How are you doing, Dee de no.
That is Dee Dee.
How are you doing, Dee Dee? I'm good.
This morning, I pretended my stuffed animals were the cast of "glee.
" I videotaped them performing Madonna's "ray of light" album.
I was so proud of them.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that, Chelsea? Ok.
That one is very advanced.
Mmm! You should pretend we're rich, fabulous models you want to impress.
Ok! Mmm.
That one's throwing me.
I'm going to throw you.
Ok.
Nicki, if you can't learn to have empathy with anyone, you're never going to have anybody in your life.
Ok.
I hear you.
And I'll work on it.
I promise.
Good.
And I'm sure the longer we're roommates, the more you'll rub off on me.
Aw I'm sorry, Dee Dee, we can't keep her.
So you must be stoked.
Nicki's free again, huh? Uh, no, actually.
I took a stand last night.
Shut her down.
You know, she wanted to have sex with me just to make herself feel better.
You know, just that wild, drunk, primalSex.
God, why didn't I just listen to my penis.
Your penis talks to you? You look terrible, Chelsea.
Well, I should.
I took in a stray dog and a stay girl, because her boyfriend broke up with her.
Oh.
Your mother used to take in strays.
She was a nurturer, and so are you.
No, I'm not.
Oh, you're not? You took pretty good care of your mother when she was sick.
Remember when you were 5 years old, we went to the dump to try our luck.
We found a stuffed Teddy bear.
Oh, yeah.
I remember him.
Joey.
Yeah! You said he was your baby.
You spent weeks trying to nurse him back to health.
I mean, we eventually had to get rid of him, 'cause you found a balloon full of heroin in his belly.
That was heroin? God, I was so innocent.
I thought it was cocaine.
That was an awful bear.
But you loved him.
The only way you'd let us get rid of him is if you knew he was going to a good home.
Right, a good home.
Did you ever find a place to send him? I told you I did.
But then I threw him in the reservoir.
Then I realized I had dumped a pound of heroin into the city's water supply.
That's why we went to Detroit and stayed with your aunt for a month.
Hmm.
Good times.
My dad used to say, "ironing was God's way of keeping your hands busy so your mind could focus on scripture.
" Fun story.
See? I totally listened.
Nicki, I've got good news.
Good for you.
No.
Actually, it's going to be good for you.
There's someone coming over who loves you and wants to be with you again.
You didn't?! I did.
Oh, my God! I'm a mess! What did you say?! Well, I said you were trying to be a better person.
And you're ready to share your life with someone who needs you as much as you need them.
Oh, wow! This is so romantic.
Hi, Nicole.
Oh, no You set me up with my grandma? Come on, it's perfect.
You're grandmother needs help.
And you need a place to say.
No! Nicki, she's your grandmother.
Have some respect.
In Korea, you'd be pulling her in a cart all over town.
Thanks, Olivia.
Keep the how-to-be-korean tips coming.
I think it'd be so neat to live with your grandmother.
Mine's having a test tube baby.
So she's really busy with that.
So you have a newborn aunt? I call her aunt baby.
You need time to get over that heartbreak.
And I need someone to help me get in and out of the tub.
I really hope this is rock bottom.
Come on, Nicki.
Listen.
I was pretty much a selfish piece of crap.
All right? Until I had to go take care of my mom when she was sick.
But you learn a lot.
I mean, I don't know why.
You you just do.
And as your best friend, I really, really recommend that you try it.
You're not going to let me stay here, are you? Girl, you know I won't.
Well, I am really spiritual so Maybe this is part of my journey.
Ok.
Plus, I've been married 3 times.
And I can teach you how to close the deal.
Ok.
Maybe I'll come for a week and see how it goes.
I'd be happy for the company.
Calm down.
I made some hot chocolate.
Anyone want some? Speaking of hot chocolate, I spent a night with Lou Gossett, Jr.
Not an officer, not a gentleman.
Ok.
We are all moving in with you, grandma.
Hey.
Hey.
You know, that was nice, getting Nicki and her grandmother together.
Yeah.
Glad I could find her a good home.
Yeah.
Don't get me wrong.
I am still very much into her.
But I think I'm going to give her space, let her come to me.
That sounds like a good plan, Rick.
Yeah.
In the meantime, if you get lonely, I met someone who I think you'll really like.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
You know, maybe that'd be good for me.
What she look like? So cute.
Kind of a dirty blond.
Ooh.
Nice.
Yeah.
God, isn't it great to have our privacy again now that Nicki's gone? Oh, I was just thinking that, like, a minute ago.
You know, she crawled into my bed while I was sleeping, right? There is no excuse for that.
Oh, she really had no boundaries.
God, I hate that.
Taste the chicken! It's insane.
Mmm! Oh.
Sorry.
I'll get that.
Hey, is everyone decent? Yeah.
Come on in.
Rick! Hey, has anybody seen that rubber duck that my dog was chewing? Oh, that's my duck.
Found it! Todd! These candles are really nice, Dee Dee.
So relaxing.
I need to video this for my girlfriend.
She is a candle freak.
Ok.
Bath time is over! You wear a bathing suit in the tub? Yeah.
Until I get a lock on the door, I have to cover my 4 shamefuls.
4 shamefuls? Oh, yeah.
Got it.