As Time Goes By (1992) s01e04 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # Thanks.
Ah, Hardcastle, good of you to come out to the wild at such short notice.
Kind of you to meet me, Master, but you shouldn't have bothered.
Oh, nonsense.
I always enjoy railway stations, it's the only time I weigh myself.
The car's this way.
- My Life In Burma, your lecture? - My Life In Kenya, actually.
So it is.
Why don't I go back to the office and you go to Norwich to see Li? For goodness' sake, Mum, it's you he wants to see, not me.
- He doesn't even know we're coming.
- He dedicated his book to you.
That was for all our yesterdays, not for all our tomorrows.
"To Pooh, because you liked honey.
" Well I'm not Pooh now, am I? - I'll call you Pooh.
- Don't even think of it.
- Lionel will be so pleased to see you.
- Will he? If you were giving a lecture and Lionel turned up to see you, what would you be? Flabbergasted.
- I don't know why I bother! - Nor do I.
You don't seem to realise that after 38 years - Well, hello.
- Hello.
- Going to Norwich? - Yes, as a matter of fact.
Brilliant.
So am I.
- My name's Alistair, by the way.
- Hello, I'm Judith.
- It's you! - Yes, I know it's me.
You came to my party the other night, with Lionel.
You skipped off early.
It was past our bed time.
- You and Lionel are, er - Our separate bed times.
This is my daughter.
Judith, Alistair.
- Hello again.
- Hi.
Jean, I just can't believe that this is your daughter.
You're not gonna say we look like sisters? No.
We're going to Norwich for Lionel's lecture.
Brilliant, that's where I'm going.
My day is made.
Nothing makes a journey more enjoyable than the company of a beautiful woman.
Er, two beautiful women.
Well, tell me all about yourself.
Where have you been hiding? Why wasn't I told of your existence? The fellow who dropped out was going to talk about rail travel in Russia.
Why did he drop out? - Got knocked over by a bus, poor fellow.
- Ironic.
Mm.
That's what I thought.
You'll stay overnight in college.
Rooms have a certain gothic grandeur, even if they are draughty.
Thank you, Master, but I'm staying with a friend.
Better still.
Nothing like staying with a chum, is there? Nothing.
- Bed and breakfast, did you say? - Yes.
There's no sign up.
Perhaps it's in the wash.
Long way out, too.
Couldn't you have found anywhere more central? It isn't really any of your business.
I'm just interested in what motivates people.
It's very interesting.
Sometimes people are motivated by the most obscure motives.
- Motives they don't even understand.
- Are they really? (Woman) Coo-ee! You're naughty, you are.
- Then again - Goodbye.
And there's space in the wardrobe and an empty drawer for you.
Thanks.
You didn't ask why you're naughty.
I thought it discreet not to in front of the taxi driver.
Well, you are.
Sure you got the correct adjective? Six months and not a word, not even a postcard.
Denise, ships that pass in the night don't send postcards.
I wouldn't like to think I was being taken for granted.
I see you've put the silk sheets on.
Yes, well, I'm a forgiving sort of person.
Indeed you are.
I bought some chains, by the way.
Pardon? For my garden at the front.
Trying to keep those lorries off it.
You didn't notice, did you? You don't notice a lot of things.
You only want to see the bit of the world that's around you.
True enough.
I gave up the global view some time ago.
- Too huge? - Too complicated.
I'm no good with them.
Well, I'm not complicated.
And I'm very grateful.
Can I come to the lecture tonight? - What on earth for? - To hear it.
If you want to be bored, read the phone directory.
You don't want me to come.
I told the master of the college you were a chum, you see.
- Well, I am.
- Not the sort of chum I meant.
You're not going with somebody else, are you? No, I'd hardly stay here and go with someone else.
There's no telling with you.
If I thought you were playing fast and loose At my age you have to be fast to be loose, and I'm not fast.
I can come to the lecture then? - If you want to.
- Good.
- Let's go and have some tea.
- Good idea.
Nothing's happened recently, has it? You know happened? Nothing.
Nothing at all.
It's funny, Alistair having already booked the same hotel as us.
How did you ever get to be so gullible? - He's rather nice, isn't he? - Yes, in a boyish sort of way.
He's not that young.
I suppose he's about my age.
- Young.
- He fancies you.
Don't be absurd.
Why did he sit next to you all the way? So that he could look at you.
No, he spoke to you most of the time.
Oldest trick, ingratiate yourself with the mother.
- Now whose being gullible? - All fixed up.
Sherry with the master before the lecture, front row seats, and then dinner with the master afterwards.
- How did you manage that? - It's being in publishing.
Almost everyone you meet intends to write a book.
Just express a deep interest in what they want to write about and they get very accommodating.
May I ask you an impertinent question? Oh please, I'd love it.
Lionel's book, why are you publishing it? Because it's terrific.
I read it last night.
Ah.
Well, compare it to a television company.
They make money producing popular rubbish but every so often they bring in an opera just to prove that they are very serious-minded people.
You mean nobody will read Lionel's book? No.
If we jazz up the cover a bit, people might buy it without reading what's inside.
Better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
I suppose so.
Incidentally, where's Lionel staying? Here? No, apparently he favours a little bed and breakfast place when he's up here.
I hope he's being well looked after.
Ah, Hardcastle, you look very chipper.
Thank you.
May I introduce a friend, Mrs Denise Cropper.
- How do you do? - Charming.
Very charming.
Let's find you a sherry.
Have you known Mrs Copper long? It's Mrs Cropper.
As in "came a" What an excellent mnemonic.
Thank you.
Here we are.
Dry for you, if I remember correctly, Hardcastle, and my guess, Mrs Cropper, is that you're sweet? You'd have to ask Lionel.
Don't think I shan't.
Sly old fox.
Would you excuse me? A guest of mine.
Hello, mate.
Done your warm-up? - What? - You know, mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi.
- Are you fit? - As I'll ever be.
It was good of you to come.
I'm not alone, look who's here.
- Surprise! - Hello, Lionel.
No need to be that effusive.
I'm sorry, I was just I didn't know you were coming.
That's why I said "surprise".
Quite.
Well, it is.
What? A surprise.
A very nice surprise, of course.
Now we all know how surprised we are, any chance of a drink? Of course.
Um He's a lively old dog, isn't he? Denise, I'd like to I'd like you to meet some friends of mine.
- Lovely.
- This is Jean Pargetter, an old friend her daughter Judith, and Alistair Deacon.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Er, how old a friend are you, Jean? Oh, we met 38 years ago.
Good gracious me, you are an old friend, aren't you? How long have you known Lionel? Oh, only a couple of years, on and off.
We first met when I offered him overnight accommodation, didn't we? Well, it is nice to see you all.
(Laughing) - Overnight accommodation! - He is a man.
I know what sex he is, I just thought he was a man with more taste.
- Like you? - Look at her.
I am.
(Giggling) If she gets any closer, she'll be in that suit with him.
- Jealous? - No, you? Huh! Certainly, not.
(Master) It was George Moore, who said "A man travels the world over in search of what he needs, "returns home to find it.
" I do not presume to say Mr Hardcastle travelled to Kenya in search of what he needed but I am certain that on returning home he will find here a warm East Anglian welcome.
Mr Lionel Hardcastle.
(Applause) Thank you, Master.
Ladies and gentlemen, My Life In Kenya.
I first went to Kenya in 1955.
That was what my generation was brought up to call that (Man) When did you start slaughtering elephants? That course was what my generation When did you start slaughtering elephants? Who said anything about slaughtering elephants? In those days, it was - Answer the question! - Answer the question! Answer! - I was a coffee planter.
- Rubbish! We've read the blurb.
What blurb? What are you talking about? This! From your forthcoming book.
"One man's fight to conquer a wilderness.
" You didn't conquer the wilderness without slaughtering elephants? Look, I didn't conquer any wilderness.
It's thanks to people like you that my children might never see a wild elephant.
Madam, there are no wild elephants in Norwich.
If there were, you'd shoot them.
- Elephant killer! - You just want the ivory.
Shooting defenceless animals is murder! (Chanting) Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Look, just listen to what I've got to say! (Chanting) Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Please! Please, please! (Chanting dies down) You've got blood on your hands! (Chanting) Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Elephant killer! Elephant killer! (Chanting continues) For God's sake! That's the most juvenile thing I've ever heard of! Students will be students, mate.
Not them, you.
- "One man's fight to conquer the wilderness"! - It's to hype the book.
What have you got in mind for the cover? Me on a pile of dead elephants? No! Maybe a lion? No! My dear fellow, I do apologise.
I don't know what got into them.
Lager, I suspect.
And some hand bills distributed by a publisher with a mental age of nought.
- Steady on, mate.
- Stop calling me "mate".
Hello, Bwana Mkubwa.
- Don't you start.
- Well, it had its funny side.
Not from where I was standing.
- I liked the floating elephant.
- He was rather cute.
Cute? Let's all have a sherry before dinner.
Where's your young lady? She's - I don't know.
- Busy doing a retouching job.
Miaow! - Here we are.
- Master, about my fee I won't hear of it.
Very decent of you to bring it up.
What happened wasn't your doing, I won't hear of you refusing.
If you insist.
Poor Lionel, they were disgusting.
They should be expelled.
- They were misinformed.
- Who by? - I'm starving, what's for dinner? - Chicken.
Did you shoot it this afternoon? Let's sit.
Nothing formal, anywhere you like.
- You sit with me, my dear.
- Thank you.
She was a dear old thing, Jessie.
I always remember her last words.
"Arthur, there are some chops in the freezer.
"You'd best defrost them for your supper tonight.
" You ever been married, Hardcastle? Once, we divorced on the grounds of mutual boredom.
- Miss Pargetter? - I'm a widow.
Merry one, I hope.
At my age "spritely" would be a better word.
Rubbish.
My ex shot himself.
Really? Why? He was always given to the dramatic.
That's what I like about Lionel, he's so steady.
"Boring" might be a better adjective.
Oh, no.
Never boring.
What about this pretty thing? Still looking for Mr Right? I've got two ex-husbands, so I suppose I must be.
Oh.
What a waste.
- My point exactly.
- Oh.
Here you are, describing yourself as spritely when you're still a very desirable woman.
- Oh! What a sweet thing to say.
- I mean every word of it.
I think clicking is permanent.
- Clicking? - Yes, in relationships.
Two people either click instinctively or not.
You take me and Lionel We click like mad.
- Do you? - We don't see each other that often.
No wonder, absence makes the click grow fonder.
- What about more port? - (Denise) No, thanks.
- I think Lionel must be a bit tired by now.
- How very perceptive of you.
- If you'll excuse us? - Yes, of course.
- We'll pop off as well.
- We? I thought we might go back for a night cap.
Oh, that's a lovely idea.
- You're staying at the same hotel? - Yes.
Convenient, isn't it? What about you, my dear? Me? I think I'd like another drop of port, please.
What an excellent idea.
(Mouths) Well! That all works out very nicely, doesn't it? Everyone's fixed up.
That's probably ours, I'll just check.
I'll fetch the car, Lionel, while you say good night to your friend.
I didn't know you were coming.
It's not really any of my business, is it? - No, all right, it's not.
- Fine.
It is ours.
- Coming.
- This night cap? - That's not really any of your business.
- No it's not.
You won't get silly, though, will you? No sillier than you.
Cheers, mate.
See you in London.
Don't look so pleased with yourself, Alistair.
Thanks.
Now, let's talk about you.
A to Z.
Alistair, I went from A to J before you were even born.
- Who cares? Do you care? - Well.
I don't, nobody does these days.
Attraction is attraction, full stop.
- You should be saying this to Judith.
- Pah! She's a child.
I know, mine.
Next you'll be saying you're past it.
No, I'm not, it's just a question of mutual attraction, that's all.
No probs.
I saw something in your eye when I you said yes to a night cap.
Yes, you did, vanity and stupidity.
For a minute I wanted to get my own back at Lionel.
I don't know why, I just wanted to make him jealous.
I'm sorry, Alistair, but that was all it was.
Well, it's a starting point.
- It was an unusual sort of evening.
- I told you you'd be bored.
I wasn't bored.
That Alistair's a card.
Yes, the sort that should have black edging around it.
- You're in a mood.
- No, I'm not.
- It's because she came, isn't it? - Will you look at the road? - Wonder why she came.
- I don't know.
Did you have to leave that elephant on the roof? It's my car.
I know it's your car.
It's a bit unusual.
Better than a Garfield stuck to the window, isn't it? - Another glass of port? - Better not, I get silly.
Just a small one, then.
You have the most extraordinary eyes.
Not glazed, are they? Certainly not.
All the mystery of woman is in those eyes.
Oh! They must be glazed.
I'm not mysterious.
- You're very beautiful.
- Rubbish.
Maizefield had it.
"The loveliest things of beauty God ever has shown to me "are her voice, her hair and eyes and the dear red curve of her lips.
" That's very sweet "And as for those shoulders, if I'd danced with you on the eve of the Battle of Waterloo, "I'd have charged the French dreaming of those shoulders" You did say you were going to show me around.
So I did.
This way.
I've some very interesting first editions that may interest you.
(Judith squeals) Something wrong? You pinched my bum.
You actually pinched my bum! - I couldn't resist it.
- You should have tried.
- I'll get you a car.
- Yes, I think you'd better.
Jenkins, bring the car around will you? I've a guest wants to return to her hotel.
Thank you.
Couple of minutes, that's all.
When, er When you get old, you forget, you see.
- Forget what? - How to seduce.
All those honeyed phrases one used so long ago seem ridiculously out of date.
It isn't like riding a bicycle at all, you fall off.
I shouldn't worry about the honeyed phrases being out of date.
I thought the one about us dancing on the eve of the Battle of Waterloo was terrific.
Good night.
I mean, take Tina Turner.
Why should I? I mean, she's not a young woman, is she? But wow! When she struts her stuff Alistair! You live in a fantasy world, I run a secretarial agency, I don't strut my stuff.
Yes, but - Sir? - Yes, what is it? The champagne's ready.
I assumed it would be, I don't need to be told.
I'm very sorry, I'm sure.
It seemed the logical thing to do.
- What champagne? - The bottle in my room.
You do have a thirst.
- It's for us.
- In your room? We can have it in your room if you like.
Should I stamp "no" in big letters on your forehead? Whatever turns you on.
What turns me on at this time is a comfortable bed and a good book.
OK, fine.
What shall we read? You should be a salesman.
Are you always like this? No, no.
Sometimes I'm really pushy.
- You're laughing.
- At the absurdity of it all.
Us, here.
- I wonder if Judith's all right.
- Of course she is.
She's having a drink with an ancient academic.
He had an unacademic gleam in his eyes.
- There you are.
- There I am what? He wasn't screwed up about his age.
I'm not, it's you that's screwed up about age, this fantasy about older women.
- Mature.
- Older.
- And it's not a fantasy.
- I'm going to bed.
- Now your talking.
- Alistair! All right, all right.
All right, all right, all right.
(Dramatically) I'm not entirely without sensitivity.
I give in.
- Good.
- For tonight.
Good night.
What if I were Lionel? He'd have dropped off in his chair by now.
Enjoy the champagne.
Well, hello! Hello.
Where's Mum? Gone to bed.
Fancy a drink? No, thanks.
Good night.
I've got a bottle of champagne in my room.
You've also got a bloody nerve! Why have you taken to changing in the bathroom? Vanity, I suppose.
Bits of me that used to ripple tend to wobble these days.
And you're not wearing the pyjamas I bought you last time.
- No.
- Don't you like them? They were very distinctive.
I just don't like wearing pyjamas with "Macho Man" printed across the chest.
- You've been spraying again.
- It's called "Porquoi Non?" That means "Why not?" I can think of several reasons.
- Meaning? - Meaning it smells like furniture polish.
It didn't bother you this afternoon.
It's the second wave.
You are in a mood.
Everybody's in a mood of some sort all the time.
A grumpy mood.
Just because I don't put on a red nose and sing The Sun Has Got His Hat On doesn't make me grumpy.
Solemn, then.
Morose.
Will you stop searching for adjectives? I'm fine.
- That's one.
- What? - An adjective.
- Can we just change the subject? Yes.
Good idea.
Does it really smell of furniture polish? Well, expensive furniture polish.
That's better.
Good night, then.
- What do you mean, "good night"? - I thought I'd sleep in the guest room.
It's her, isn't it? That old flame of yours, and I do mean old.
- I'm just tired.
- I know that, but there's no reason to act like the stag at bay.
I've got the right to have my expectations.
- Your rights? - You've slept in my bed! At your invitation.
Have you forgotten the first time I stayed here? You showed me my bed and ten minutes later we were in yours.
Oh, I see.
I overpowered you, did I? No, of course not.
But it was handy, wasn't it? Handy? - Bad word.
Convenient.
- Worse! - I'm not eloquent.
- No, you're not.
Oh, this is childish.
We met and it suited us both, don't make it sound like a grand passion.
We only meet a few times every year.
If she were in this bed, it would be a different story.
Yes.
She'd have passed out long ago, overcome by the fumes of your perfume.
- Get out! - What do you think I'm doing? Getting ready to play pass the parcel? You've taken advantage of me.
Now we really are in the realms of fiction.
Of all my guests, all the gentlemen who've stayed here you are the only one.
Now you're being unkind to me.
You're not losing anything, Denise.
It's just that I can't It's probably stupid but Who are this lot? People.
Call me suspicious but why do I guess they all have a pair of pyjamas with "Macho Man" on the chest? (Hissing) # You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #