Batman: The Brave and the Bold (2008) s01e04 Episode Script
Invasion of the Secret Santas!
- Thanks for joining us At the pro bowlers' annual christmas tournament, Where some of the most incredible athletes From around the country have gathered to compete For the sport's biggest prize.
Huh? Hey! [grunting.]
[microphone feedback.]
- Sport? Ha! Sport?! Hey, news flash, people.
Bowling is not a sport.
A real athlete deserves this prize money.
Oh, but don't worry, I'm not gonna steal it.
I'm gonna win it.
- Hey! [laughing maniacally.]
[all gasping.]
- Sportsmaster.
Figures I'd find you in the gutters.
- I like to play fair, batman, But you're outnumbered.
[grunting.]
- Then it's a good thing crime fighting is a team sport.
- Ok, beetle.
Sportsmaster's mine.
You take the second-stringers.
[beeping.]
- Don't tell me what to do, goober! Oh, great.
Now batman thinks I'm a jerk.
[beeping.]
Well, how's he supposed to know you started talking to me? [beeping.]
- Hey, call me crazy, But I'm pretty sure batman doesn't banter with his suit.
- Ha! At last, a little real competition.
[grunting.]
[both grunting.]
[beeping.]
- I know I'm under attack.
Give me something I can dobobout it.
How about something less likely to blow up the entire building? [beeping.]
Ah, much better.
[growling.]
We're gonna have to call this match a tie.
- Unh! Ohh.
- Nice one, bats.
Hey, so now that we've gift wrapped the baddies for the police, You think maybe you'd want to come over my house for christmas eve dinner? You know my mom's a great cook.
- Sorry.
Crime doesn't take a holiday, And neither do I.
[bells jingling.]
[children laughing.]
- Though archaeology is a science That studies past human cultures Because its aim is to ultimately understand mankind, It ialalso a humanistic endeavor.
- So, uh, professor ulthoon, Is being an archaeologist like it is in the movies, You know, with adventure and fighting bad guys? - No, billy.
I am afraid it is mostly just reading books and research.
[tires seaealing.]
[gasps.]
- Excuse me one moment.
[children laughing.]
[tires squealing.]
[both screaming.]
[whirring.]
- Observation: Your children need another discussion About traffic safety, mr.
Jones.
- Thank you so much, red tornado.
Your heroics have certainly filled our family With the christmas spirit.
- Christmas spirit? Elaborate.
- You know, that tingly feeling you get inside Because it's the bestest time of the year! - This is not something I have ever been filled with.
- Of course not, silly.
You're just a robot.
[all laughing.]
[whirring.]
[lights buzzing.]
- Some variable is still missing.
[singing flatly.]
jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way [slams.]
Ahh.
- I've learned the most important lesson of all.
Do you want to know the secret of christmas spirit, billy? - Yes.
Yes.
Elaborate, please.
- We interrupt with this breaking story.
Flying saucers have invaded our town.
Moments ago they sent this transmission.
- People of earth! Surrender to us the one called santa claus, Or be destroyed! From this day forward, He will finally bring the children of neptune The joy and happiness they have long been denied! - Only batman is on the scene to defend the city.
[whirring.]
[citizens screaming.]
[grunting.]
- [thinking.]
not exactly how I was expecting to spend my christmas eve.
[tires squealing.]
[gasps.]
[whirring.]
- Merry christmas, batman.
- Now's not the time, red tornado.
- But isn't christmas tomorrow? - Not what I mean.
Tornado, behind you! [whirring.]
- Neptune is uninhabited.
- No kidding.
Search your database For christmas movies featuring aliens.
- Done.
One refefence.
Holiday for neptunians, produced 1954.
The alien transmission was taken from the film.
- I'll herd them and draw their fire.
You do the rest.
[whirring.]
- Plastic.
These are earth-made toys.
- Cross-referencing known producers Of flying saucer toys.
- You won't find a match for this stamp.
- Stamp does not match listed manufacturers.
- I just said that.
Like any artist with a giant ego, He has to sign his work.
Don't you, funhouse? - I was just playing around with my new toys, batman.
Is that so wrong? - Based on criminal records, most of your actions are wrong.
Felony robbery, parole violation, Felony assault, jaywalking-- - Not now, tornado.
If you think we're going to let you continue your deranged rampage, You're wrong.
- Yes, yes.
if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry christmas Unfortunately, the games have only just begun tonight.
- [little girl's voice.]
christmas is my favorite time of year.
Won't you play with me? [beeping.]
- It's a bomb! - [little girl's voice.]
my christmas wish Is to blow everything to smithereens.
- Tornado, give this more altitude.
[whirring.]
- Imperative: Funhouse cannot ruin christmas.
- This is about more than ruining christmas.
Funhouse is a crook before he's anything else.
And why do you care so much anyway? - I am lacking christmas spirit.
It is something I wish to experience.
- It's overrated.
- Observation: I am not the only one who lacks it.
Perhaps this will help us both.
- You shouldn't have.
- Merry christmas, son.
Let's see what santa brought you.
- Based on the dimensions, and weight of the package, And the sound of what's inside, I think I've deduced exactly what it is! - Our little detective.
- I am not detecting any christmas spirit within you.
- Thanks, but I didn't get you anything.
- Do not apologize.
I understand giving exemplifies the holiday spirit, Not receiving.
Yet, I s still do not feel this spirit I am told of.
There should be a tingling sensationon, correct? - When you start tingling, I'd see a repairman.
Come on.
We've got to find fun haus.
- [all laughing.]
- Hey, santa.
Got any presto playpal action figures left? - Ho, ho, ho! - Maybe he didn't hear you.
[whirring.]
- Inquiry.
Why do you dislike christmas, batman? - I don't dislike christmas.
I dislike crime.
- Hey! - Whoa! - What the-- - Down there! - Ho, ho, ho! - Ok, santa.
You've been sipping a little too much eggnog.
Time to go home.
- Ho, ho, ho! - While your devotion to the holiday spirit is commendable-- - [grunts.]
[grunts.]
He just made my naughty list.
- Observation-- santa is not supposed to behave in this manner.
- That's because this isn't santa.
- Ho, ho, ho! - [screams.]
- ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho-- [distorted.]
ho-ho-h-h-h-- [footsteps.]
All: Ho, ho, ho! - Gee, that won't give kids nightmares, will it? - [screams.]
- [grunts.]
- [grunts.]
- [gasps.]
- ho, ho, ho! - [all screaming.]
Santas: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, h-- - Hey, santa, didn't you hear us? - Ho, ho, ho! - [gasps.]
- [screams.]
- ho, ho, ho! - [reindeer whinny.]
- Ho, ho, ho! - [grunts.]
- [boys scream.]
- [grunts.]
[grunts.]
[grunts.]
[whirring.]
- Ho, ho, ho! - [grunts.]
- Ho, ho, ho - Pretend you didn't see that.
- [both scream.]
- [boys scream.]
[whirrs.]
- A christmas miracle! [whirring.]
- [electronic crackling.]
- [boy crying.]
- Was your child frightened by the false santa claus machines? - Nah.
He knew they were fakes.
He's only crying 'cause he wants this playpal action figure.
It's the most popular toy for christmas.
Every kid in town just has to have one.
- Your grandpa gave that to me when I was your age.
Now, it's yours.
- This isn't what I asked for.
I wanted the swashbuckler action figure! - [faint alarm buzzing.]
- You guys have been the best playpals I could have ever asked for.
Now, I only have one more game for you.
'twas the night before christmas, And I've hidden a bomb.
And if you don't find it, All won't be calm.
- Come on, tornado.
There's no time to lose.
[beeping.]
- Observation-- The search for the bomb was only a wild goose chase.
- Then what has he been trying to distract us from? - Christmas morning.
I hope today we both get what we wish for most.
- I know it wasn't the swashbuckler toy you wanted, But your mom and I thought a swashbuckler movie would be the next best thing.
Did you like it? Ok, then.
Let's go home.
[distant gunshots.]
- Mom! Dad! Sometimes what you wish for most Is the one thing you can never have.
Speaking of wish lists, That logo Fun haus made the presto playpals! So that's his evil game.
- Awesome! [gasps.]
Huh? - [grunts.]
- [screams.]
- [gasps.]
- [gasps.]
[whimpers.]
- Oh, it's the most wonderful time of the year.
- You'll be doing hard time by new year's.
- Not if you're in the grave by lunch.
[whirs.]
- If I can't steal from these people on christmas, Then I'll just steal christmas from these people.
- [screams.]
- [all screaming.]
- Everyone, get to cover! - [screaming and indistinct shouting.]
- Declaration-- You will endanger these people no further, robot.
NeedMorePower.
- [screams.]
- Tornado, you're putting too much stress on your body! - [screaming.]
- Yay! [crackling.]
- Odd.
I am feeling a strange tingling sensation.
- Hang on, old friend.
They'll have you put back together in no time, tornado.
- Observation-- It was an amazing feeling, batman.
- Merry christmas.
[thinks.]
merry christmas to you, too, alfred.
[beeping.]
- [thinks.]
but crime doesn't take a holiday.
And neither do I.
Huh? Hey! [grunting.]
[microphone feedback.]
- Sport? Ha! Sport?! Hey, news flash, people.
Bowling is not a sport.
A real athlete deserves this prize money.
Oh, but don't worry, I'm not gonna steal it.
I'm gonna win it.
- Hey! [laughing maniacally.]
[all gasping.]
- Sportsmaster.
Figures I'd find you in the gutters.
- I like to play fair, batman, But you're outnumbered.
[grunting.]
- Then it's a good thing crime fighting is a team sport.
- Ok, beetle.
Sportsmaster's mine.
You take the second-stringers.
[beeping.]
- Don't tell me what to do, goober! Oh, great.
Now batman thinks I'm a jerk.
[beeping.]
Well, how's he supposed to know you started talking to me? [beeping.]
- Hey, call me crazy, But I'm pretty sure batman doesn't banter with his suit.
- Ha! At last, a little real competition.
[grunting.]
[both grunting.]
[beeping.]
- I know I'm under attack.
Give me something I can dobobout it.
How about something less likely to blow up the entire building? [beeping.]
Ah, much better.
[growling.]
We're gonna have to call this match a tie.
- Unh! Ohh.
- Nice one, bats.
Hey, so now that we've gift wrapped the baddies for the police, You think maybe you'd want to come over my house for christmas eve dinner? You know my mom's a great cook.
- Sorry.
Crime doesn't take a holiday, And neither do I.
[bells jingling.]
[children laughing.]
- Though archaeology is a science That studies past human cultures Because its aim is to ultimately understand mankind, It ialalso a humanistic endeavor.
- So, uh, professor ulthoon, Is being an archaeologist like it is in the movies, You know, with adventure and fighting bad guys? - No, billy.
I am afraid it is mostly just reading books and research.
[tires seaealing.]
[gasps.]
- Excuse me one moment.
[children laughing.]
[tires squealing.]
[both screaming.]
[whirring.]
- Observation: Your children need another discussion About traffic safety, mr.
Jones.
- Thank you so much, red tornado.
Your heroics have certainly filled our family With the christmas spirit.
- Christmas spirit? Elaborate.
- You know, that tingly feeling you get inside Because it's the bestest time of the year! - This is not something I have ever been filled with.
- Of course not, silly.
You're just a robot.
[all laughing.]
[whirring.]
[lights buzzing.]
- Some variable is still missing.
[singing flatly.]
jingle bells, jingle bells jingle all the way [slams.]
Ahh.
- I've learned the most important lesson of all.
Do you want to know the secret of christmas spirit, billy? - Yes.
Yes.
Elaborate, please.
- We interrupt with this breaking story.
Flying saucers have invaded our town.
Moments ago they sent this transmission.
- People of earth! Surrender to us the one called santa claus, Or be destroyed! From this day forward, He will finally bring the children of neptune The joy and happiness they have long been denied! - Only batman is on the scene to defend the city.
[whirring.]
[citizens screaming.]
[grunting.]
- [thinking.]
not exactly how I was expecting to spend my christmas eve.
[tires squealing.]
[gasps.]
[whirring.]
- Merry christmas, batman.
- Now's not the time, red tornado.
- But isn't christmas tomorrow? - Not what I mean.
Tornado, behind you! [whirring.]
- Neptune is uninhabited.
- No kidding.
Search your database For christmas movies featuring aliens.
- Done.
One refefence.
Holiday for neptunians, produced 1954.
The alien transmission was taken from the film.
- I'll herd them and draw their fire.
You do the rest.
[whirring.]
- Plastic.
These are earth-made toys.
- Cross-referencing known producers Of flying saucer toys.
- You won't find a match for this stamp.
- Stamp does not match listed manufacturers.
- I just said that.
Like any artist with a giant ego, He has to sign his work.
Don't you, funhouse? - I was just playing around with my new toys, batman.
Is that so wrong? - Based on criminal records, most of your actions are wrong.
Felony robbery, parole violation, Felony assault, jaywalking-- - Not now, tornado.
If you think we're going to let you continue your deranged rampage, You're wrong.
- Yes, yes.
if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry christmas Unfortunately, the games have only just begun tonight.
- [little girl's voice.]
christmas is my favorite time of year.
Won't you play with me? [beeping.]
- It's a bomb! - [little girl's voice.]
my christmas wish Is to blow everything to smithereens.
- Tornado, give this more altitude.
[whirring.]
- Imperative: Funhouse cannot ruin christmas.
- This is about more than ruining christmas.
Funhouse is a crook before he's anything else.
And why do you care so much anyway? - I am lacking christmas spirit.
It is something I wish to experience.
- It's overrated.
- Observation: I am not the only one who lacks it.
Perhaps this will help us both.
- You shouldn't have.
- Merry christmas, son.
Let's see what santa brought you.
- Based on the dimensions, and weight of the package, And the sound of what's inside, I think I've deduced exactly what it is! - Our little detective.
- I am not detecting any christmas spirit within you.
- Thanks, but I didn't get you anything.
- Do not apologize.
I understand giving exemplifies the holiday spirit, Not receiving.
Yet, I s still do not feel this spirit I am told of.
There should be a tingling sensationon, correct? - When you start tingling, I'd see a repairman.
Come on.
We've got to find fun haus.
- [all laughing.]
- Hey, santa.
Got any presto playpal action figures left? - Ho, ho, ho! - Maybe he didn't hear you.
[whirring.]
- Inquiry.
Why do you dislike christmas, batman? - I don't dislike christmas.
I dislike crime.
- Hey! - Whoa! - What the-- - Down there! - Ho, ho, ho! - Ok, santa.
You've been sipping a little too much eggnog.
Time to go home.
- Ho, ho, ho! - While your devotion to the holiday spirit is commendable-- - [grunts.]
[grunts.]
He just made my naughty list.
- Observation-- santa is not supposed to behave in this manner.
- That's because this isn't santa.
- Ho, ho, ho! - [screams.]
- ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho-- [distorted.]
ho-ho-h-h-h-- [footsteps.]
All: Ho, ho, ho! - Gee, that won't give kids nightmares, will it? - [screams.]
- [grunts.]
- [grunts.]
- [gasps.]
- ho, ho, ho! - [all screaming.]
Santas: Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, h-- - Hey, santa, didn't you hear us? - Ho, ho, ho! - [gasps.]
- [screams.]
- ho, ho, ho! - [reindeer whinny.]
- Ho, ho, ho! - [grunts.]
- [boys scream.]
- [grunts.]
[grunts.]
[grunts.]
[whirring.]
- Ho, ho, ho! - [grunts.]
- Ho, ho, ho - Pretend you didn't see that.
- [both scream.]
- [boys scream.]
[whirrs.]
- A christmas miracle! [whirring.]
- [electronic crackling.]
- [boy crying.]
- Was your child frightened by the false santa claus machines? - Nah.
He knew they were fakes.
He's only crying 'cause he wants this playpal action figure.
It's the most popular toy for christmas.
Every kid in town just has to have one.
- Your grandpa gave that to me when I was your age.
Now, it's yours.
- This isn't what I asked for.
I wanted the swashbuckler action figure! - [faint alarm buzzing.]
- You guys have been the best playpals I could have ever asked for.
Now, I only have one more game for you.
'twas the night before christmas, And I've hidden a bomb.
And if you don't find it, All won't be calm.
- Come on, tornado.
There's no time to lose.
[beeping.]
- Observation-- The search for the bomb was only a wild goose chase.
- Then what has he been trying to distract us from? - Christmas morning.
I hope today we both get what we wish for most.
- I know it wasn't the swashbuckler toy you wanted, But your mom and I thought a swashbuckler movie would be the next best thing.
Did you like it? Ok, then.
Let's go home.
[distant gunshots.]
- Mom! Dad! Sometimes what you wish for most Is the one thing you can never have.
Speaking of wish lists, That logo Fun haus made the presto playpals! So that's his evil game.
- Awesome! [gasps.]
Huh? - [grunts.]
- [screams.]
- [gasps.]
- [gasps.]
[whimpers.]
- Oh, it's the most wonderful time of the year.
- You'll be doing hard time by new year's.
- Not if you're in the grave by lunch.
[whirs.]
- If I can't steal from these people on christmas, Then I'll just steal christmas from these people.
- [screams.]
- [all screaming.]
- Everyone, get to cover! - [screaming and indistinct shouting.]
- Declaration-- You will endanger these people no further, robot.
NeedMorePower.
- [screams.]
- Tornado, you're putting too much stress on your body! - [screaming.]
- Yay! [crackling.]
- Odd.
I am feeling a strange tingling sensation.
- Hang on, old friend.
They'll have you put back together in no time, tornado.
- Observation-- It was an amazing feeling, batman.
- Merry christmas.
[thinks.]
merry christmas to you, too, alfred.
[beeping.]
- [thinks.]
but crime doesn't take a holiday.
And neither do I.