Betas (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
One on One
1 (crowd shouting) Come on, Willie! Finish him! CROWD: Oh! -Oh! -Yeah! Go, go, go.
Woo! -Is he okay? -Hells no! Not after Chocolate Thunder! He's donezo! One, two, three! MITCHELL: Yeah! This is incredible! Woo! Dude, isn't this awesome? You come, you get wasted, you see incredible feats of athleticism, and then, afterwards, you get to hang out with the dudes that performed 'em.
It's like a farmer's market for kicking ass.
What's up, bro? -Oh.
Hey, buddy.
What's up, man? - What's up? I'm Mitchell.
Incredible Reefer Madness, man.
Super awesome spot.
Thanks, bro.
What the fudge? What is Mr.
Murchison doing here? He's got a bid in to buy the league.
Wants to be our Vinny Mac.
Wait, Murch is an Agg-head? I dunno about that, lil' bro.
But, uh, apparently he's got some big plans.
Wants to take us, like, national or whatever.
How could you let an outsider corrupt the artform like that, man? He's talkin' big money.
So, is it Mitchell with two "L"'s? Yeah, like sellout.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Blaze.
I didn't mean a word I just said.
I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot And I thought oral hygiene couldn't be sexy.
Thanks.
But if you're angling for morning action, you might want to try some eye contact.
-Shit.
-Something wrong? We launch in 96 hours and Hobbes just pinged me -that our hardware's on the fritz.
-What? Something about Russian spies? I mean he's a crazy person.
No, what did you say about launch? We still have four weeks.
Murch pushed up the date.
And you didn't think to consult me? Me? He's your boss.
I thought you were looped in.
Well, I wasn't.
He just wants to capitalize on the heat from the founders video.
We've preregistered 80,000 users.
I know the numbers.
Which is why I think launching in four days is a huge mistake.
You don't have a stable build.
You don't have anyone to handle customers once you You know, distracting me isn't gonna (laughs) You sure? It just really tokes my cookies, you know? They take the thing you love, throw a bunch of cash at it, and then they ruin what made it awesome in the first place.
Doesn't matter if it's "W.
W.
F.
" or "B.
I.
G.
" Mo' money, mo' problems.
Yeah.
Hey, look, I need you to focus on fixing the calendar.
The app keeps setting dates for 1913.
Maybe we should just build a time machine.
It's gotta be easier than the shit I'm dealing with right now.
Did you shower here? Yeah.
I took a jog.
You know.
Gotta be limber for the big push, right? -Since when do you jog? -Since when do you shower? Hilarious.
Listen, Nash-eesh, this calendar glitch is just the tip of the shit-storm.
All of the phones that we used to test the build are fried.
We need new ones stat.
I just bought those phones.
Listen I think these Russian motherfuckers attacked our cell network with an "S.
M.
S.
" worm.
Why would you think that? Occam's Razor.
The simplest explanation is usually true.
Plus they dress like The Talking Heads and they listen to polka.
Untrustable.
You're setting them up to fail.
What BRB needs is time to perfect their product, not a lesson in rolling the dice.
Uh-huh.
Seriously? Are you capable of focusing for one minute? It's called multi-tasking.
I happen to be researching an investment.
And what BRB needs is to capitalize on their momentum.
I know these guys are onto something big.
But the market is too crowded for a half-baked release.
Highlight was the talk of South By when they launched, then faded when their app drained everyone's battery.
And then they fixed the problem, and now they're bigger than ever.
Thus proving my point: users first, optimization second.
If I'd listened to you, Valet-Me would still be tinkering with their build, and not closing a multimillion- dollar deal with Chevy.
When I took this job, you told me that I'd be in charge, that I would manage our investments.
Our investments? Last time I checked, this was my company, financed with my money.
This is not a democracy.
It's not up for debate.
BRB is launching.
I got your ping about the hardware.
What what's going on? Test phones are toast.
And we can use a tower or two.
Three would be amazing.
Yeah, like that chick in Total Recall.
I hope you're not talking about the remake, 'cause then we can't be friends.
What about the calendar? Can we get it working in time? We're debugging as fast as we can, but the hardware failures are killing us, okay? If we'd had the money from my parents It's cool.
I've got another investor meeting in a half hour.
Hopefully, this one will come through so I can get us what we need.
Oh, cool.
Who's it with? David Chu.
Oh yeah? Is he paying you in rufies? (laughs) That was funny.
We'd make Valet-Me a premium launch partner with BRB -- on our homepage, the whole deal.
That's 80,000 fresh eyeballs minimum.
I bet you get a lot of eyeballs.
That's for you.
I can tell you twerk hard.
Thanks.
She ratchet anyway.
Look, I respect your hustle, T.
, and your whole FourSquare meets OKCupid vibe is tight -- but dropping stacks on an untested beta isn't good business.
-I gotta pass.
-I thought you were on board.
I was.
Now I'm not.
Maybe once y'all have uniques, we can revisit and talk hard numbers.
How am I supposed to get hard numbers without enough capital to seal the deal? Mm-hmm.
That shit sound like a you prob, not a Chu prob.
But if you want my advice, I'd suggest slowin' your roll and raisin' a round.
No one's gonna invest after the fact if your launch is weak sauce.
Least I can do.
HOBBES: They got blackout curtains and a biometric lock.
So either they're building some kind of electromagnetic weapon, or they're very shy poopers.
Maybe they're just working.
You should try it sometime.
Mitch, back me up on this, man.
Have you heard a fucking single word of English come out of any of these fuckers' mouths? Well, that's kinda racist.
But no, I haven't.
That Motherfuddrucker.
I can't even look at his face anymore.
I gotta do something.
Yes, you have to work.
We all do.
Leave it alone.
You don't understand, bro-bro.
This is like, like walking in on George Lucas as he's sketching Jar Jar Binks for the first time.
I have a duty to stop him before he destroys everything we hold dear.
That's an oddly compelling point.
Thank you.
Wrestling! Can you believe that? Apparently, my input is less important than roid-rage and unitards.
Glad The Murch is keeping himself entertained on his long, long spiral towards irrelevance.
Wow, you're so not helping right now.
What the fuck is up with this menu? What do you recommend? My current obsession is the Mundo Nova.
It's a single origin heirloom varietal, from Baratillo.
It's grown at 1,800 meters.
And it has notes of dragon fruit, rose hips and What, are we fucking buying shampoo? -Caffeine.
-Two, please.
Look, I know from experience that if you do good work for George he's never gonna promote you.
You've become too valuable right where you are.
So you're saying I'm screwed.
No, I'm saying you either accept his terms and hate yourself, or you do what I did and get the fuck out.
Oh, they still haven't filled that position at GreenMob in Seattle.
Oh great.
I can celebrate my 30th birthday with a pay cut and ten months of rain.
It's a chance to call the shots, run something of your own.
Maybe that's worth more than money.
I hear you got an offer from Wantful.
Yeah.
Giving is the new taking, apparently.
You don't sound excited.
It's a job, not a vibrator.
Work with us instead.
I'm listening.
Once we go live we're gonna have 80,000 users with 10,000 problems.
Now my guys are great with tech, but they're not Look, you want an ad campaign, I'm happy to manipulate people and take their money.
But that sounds like customer service.
I need someone who can do it all, like we did with the founders video.
You know how to play the angles and you know this team.
And let me guess, you want me to work for equity.
What, the usual three percent? For you? I'd go five.
Flattering.
But I need something real.
You ever hear of Ray Sidney? Is that the pock-marked guy from "Goodfellas"? Ray Sidney was employee number five at Google.
Cashed in his stock back in '03, worth over a billion dollars.
BRB is about to blow and I'm offering you the Ray Sidney seat.
Take it.
Somebody put on his Glengarry pants this morning.
What, next you're gonna tell me a million dollars isn't cool, a billion is.
So you'll do it? Look, long as you understand a girl's gotta eat.
That means paid gigs on the side, just until we get rich.
Unrelated -- you wouldn't happen to know where I could find Nash some new hardware on the cheap? Damn, Barrett, already turning the screws.
How desperate are you? On a scale from one to pretty fucking, I'd say pretty fucking.
Aloha.
It's, uh, it's not what you think.
Excuse me? A.
W.
E.
It's not some ATM that you can just pump and dump for a quick buck.
It's, uh, it's magic.
It's a little thing called true athleticism.
You know, you can't just Ted Dibiase all over our dreams, dude.
Because, uh, we are the ring.
We're the ring that protects the ring, and we are stronger than the influence of the corrupting almighty Benjamin.
Biggie Smalls, ya heard? Please recognize.
Respectfully.
Sir.
What company are you with? BRB, sir.
I'm super sorry, I just Ah, yes, one of Barrett's young wizards.
Coming in here pretending to piss Takes a lot of balls, and a real hard-on for the sport.
What are you doing later tonight? Um, working, sir.
We have a launch coming up.
Have a drink with me.
I wanna pick your brain.
You sure this gear's legit? I don't need some knockoff Dell flaming out five minutes after I boot up.
Papi, does this look like Chinatown to you? Listen, I deal in only authentic luxury electronics.
Okay.
Look, if Mikki vouches for you, that's good enough.
So, what's next? Well, I can get you your shit, that's no problem.
But it's gonna take me some time, you know.
A couple days.
Maybe more.
A couplewhatII thought you guys had warehouses full of hot merchandise.
You guys? Hot merchan-? Mija, explain to boyfriend here he best shut his fuckin' mouth.
Give us a sec.
Alright, he's negotiating, McNulty, okay? You want same-day delivery, you gotta sweeten the pot.
I already offered him everything I've got.
Unless he wants equity in a social app.
(laughs) Social? Aye, Papi, that market is saturated.
No.
No, I like your ride.
That's a real classy piece.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This was my high-school graduation gift.
It belonged to my dad.
Final offer.
Man, Mr.
Murchison, we totally coulda come to you.
-I feel terrible making you -Nonsense.
When I see your kind of passion, I roll up my sleeves and get dirty.
It's the secret of my success.
That, and HGH.
I want you to tell me everything that you know about A.
W.
E.
I don't know, boys.
Where do we start? Favorite costumes? Trevor, please don't be weird right now.
Um, five-star matches? That's easy.
Joey Ryan and Scott Lost versus Homicide and "B"-Boy at the Tango & Cash Tag Tourney.
-Epic.
-Ew.
I'm disgusted.
Are you for real? Joey Ryan's a cheating little twat.
He only beat Steen at Chanukah Chaos because Super Dragon worked him over first! Do you even read the dirt sheets? I read the dirt sheets first thing in the morning.
Woah, woah, gentlemen, slow down.
Try a little foreplay.
I've got a lot to learn.
I got a chameleon named Chance.
You wanna check him out? Just shut the fuck up, Trevor.
Murch, I'm gonna show you a move that in the Luchardor circuits is known as the Unbreakable Deathlock.
What? Oh, come on.
No.
Seriously, I'mI'm gonna Hulk out.
And he's going.
Trev? Oh, I'm his emergency contact.
Trev? Trev? Fainting goat, motherfucker! -Nice.
-I thought you would know that.
Nice performance, Ron Eldard.
Very good.
Hey, do you wanna see some sick-ass moves on Dashawn's YouTube channel? -You bet your ass I would.
-Thank you.
Thanks.
(clears throat) Sazerac! Is that Latin? That's citrus.
Come on, you pussies.
Go.
(knocking at door) -Hi.
-Hey.
What are you did we have plans? I thought we could celebrate.
I made some big moves today.
We may actually pull this thing off.
So, I hired a marketing manager this afternoon, and then I bought stolen tech from a Puerto Rican gangster.
How was your day? (laughs) Uh, fine.
Weird.
I told The Murch I didn't think you were ready.
Why would you do that? To buy your team some more time.
We don't need more time.
We're tracking off the charts.
Why are you fighting me on this? I'm not fighting you, Trey.
I'm advising you.
It's my job.
Is this because of what's going on between us? Did I do something? Because I thought things were going pretty well.
Nothing's going on between us.
You're not listening.
Nothing? Huh.
So booty texts at 3:00 a.
m.
, that's what, advising me? Do you consult with all your teams that way? I didn't mean nothing.
Okay? I just don't wanna complicate things.
I just spent the last year living a thousand miles away from the guy I was seeing, and now I'm sleeping with a guy I can't be seen with.
So I don't need a therapist to tell me that that is not healthy.
Cool, I get it.
And Chicago's 2,000 miles away from San Francisco.
You know, if facts matter to you.
Trey.
Don't be like this.
I'll see you at the office.
Or not.
I mean, I wouldn't want to complicate things.
(sighs) HOBBES: Those Russian motherfuckers were still soldering at 4:00 a.
m.
I could barely hear myself think over the sound of their ventilation system.
Why were you here at 4:00 in the morning? Think about it.
This town's an innovation hub.
One blast from an EMP-- boom the country's off the grid! I think Ohio can survive a night without Facebook.
If you're not gonna help me, just get out of my way.
I am helping! I'm being vigilant.
What are you doing, "No Fly List"? Are those pajamas? Hey, man.
Don't touch my clothes.
Hey.
Maybe you need to get a couple extra hours of sleep, man.
You're cracking up.
(announcer speaking indistinctly) Bullshit! If this was real wrestling, you'd be disqualified.
Even real wrestling isn't real, scrote.
Say that again, you mark.
I'll end you.
Chance senses a sadness in you.
Man, this reminds me of hanging with Don Fagen back in '72.
Steely Dan had just released Can't Buy a Thrill and Pong was all the rage.
We used to drop ludes and pump quarters into that machine.
And that's when I knew tech was the future.
Pong? Man, are you kidding me? You were, like, born at the wrong time.
The new PS Four graphics are gonna melt your face off! I saw Hendrix play Berkeley and had a three-way with Twiggy.
You kids don't know what face melting is.
You boys are good shits, though.
I wanna get your input as I move forward with this deal.
(announcer speaking indistinctly) It's important to me that I do right by the fans.
You guys are the heart of A.
W.
E.
There's no show without you.
ANNOUNCER: Oh no! (continues indistinctly) How you like me now, biotch? (laughs) You little bitch.
(laughs) -Beginner's fucking luck.
-(laughs) Crashed again.
I'm gonna have to start calling you Nash Bandicoot.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to account for every single permutation of a program? Millions of variables.
Yeah, I do, man.
And maybe if you weren't so busy playing pants police maybe we could finish the fucking build.
Guys! Focus.
What did the regression tests tell you? Are these phones stolen? Don't ask questions you won't like the answer to.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Where have you been? We've been coding since dawn.
We have a little launch thing happening.
Shutlisten.
You're not gonna believe me, but I was up all night raging with The Murch.
-Don't say raging.
-Wait.
You were with Murchison? Yeah.
And, uh, I had him all wrong.
Because the dude is like the dopest.
Did you know that he named all the ghosts in Pac Man? And that Pinky was actually named after Twiggy's I'm glad you two decided to have a bro down in the final hours before launch, but if you could pull up your chair and bang out some code, that'd be awesome.
What're you doing here? Your prayers have been answered, Mitchie.
I'm your new co-worker.
If you dorks are gonna dry hump I need to be somewhere else.
Now.
I think Hobbes is living here.
-What? -He sleeps here, showers here.
He never goes home.
And his jeans are jammies.
(cell phone chimes) What I said last night-- that was unfair.
I didn't mean to make it personal.
It's fine.
You've been against BRB from the get-go.
I don't know why I thought you and Iwhatever, would change that.
But I'm not against you, Trey.
I believe in you.
I told you not to launch because I care, not because I want to stand in your way.
AndI might not be around to protect you if you run into trouble.
Well, what does that mean? I got offered a job.
In Seattle.
Running my own team.
Nothing fancy, but something I can build on my own terms.
Are you going to take it? I don't know.
You know, I never asked for your protection.
Hell, I never asked you for anything.
And now that I need you, now that we're hours away Nine out of ten companies that come through Velocity don't make it.
That's the cold, hard truth.
Murch makes a living betting that one outta ten hits it big.
And I don't want you to be one of the nine.
I'm not gonna be.
I know you think that, Trey.
But that feeling he gives you of being special, being the chosen one just try not to let it cloud your vision.
(cheering) Ah! (cheers) Thanks for coming out.
I thought your team could use a break.
All due respect, sir, but a break is the last thing we need.
We're supposed to launch in 60 hours.
And you're having doubts.
Any rational man would.
BRB is your future, right? It's everything.
I just want to make sure we put our best foot forward.
You only launch once.
Now you're sounding like Lisa.
Don't get me wrong, she's smart.
She's a strategic thinker.
But she's not bold.
She's not like us.
Where you and I see opportunity, she just sees risk.
Most people look at this and think it's ridiculous -- men in costumes, running around like a bunch of lunatics.
But there's nothing silly about passion.
Passion is the one pure currency.
It means a loyal audience, need -- a market.
I appreciate the pep talk, but I just don't see what wrestling has to do with BRB.
Tell me what you see.
Besides drunk geeks screaming? As a C.
E.
O.
What do you see? (raucous shouting) -I see customers.
-Ah.
Entertainers trying to reach those customers.
-And chaos.
-Exactly.
A.
W.
E.
is just a small node in a vast network of independent wrestling shows across the nation.
An industry in search of a platform -- a way to deliver content to an army of loyal fans.
Like Bandcamp did for indie bands.
Exactly.
And I can re-purpose that technology and connect all this.
And the wrestlers give you a cut of t-shirt and ticket sales.
It's a golden opportunity, but if I wait around for the Lisas of the world to vet my every move, somebody else'll do it first.
And I sure as shit won't have any fun.
(crowd cheering, shouting) Yes! Guy-on-guy stuff, hey Mitchie? I never would've guessed.
-What? No.
These guys are athletes.
-Uh-huh.
There's totally a girl just right there.
Suck each other's dicks! What he said! -Woo! Yeah! -Yeah! It's your call, Barrett.
The way I see it, you have two choices: You can either watch the show, or get in the fucking ring.
What's it gonna be? (crowd cheering) Drop your cocks and grab your socks, ladies! We're going live.
Lotta douchey C.
E.
O.
s with idea napkins out there.
But We.
Fucking.
Ship.
Proud of you, buddy.
Proud of us.
Here goes everything.
(cheering) You know, I've always wanted to drink champagne off an Indian nerd's tits.
(laughs) Alright.
Guys, before I forget.
Here.
You guys killed it.
So, this is not as much as you deserve, but it's a start.
And, uh, it's all I've got.
Heyfor a robot, you've got a big heart.
Thank you.
-(laughs) -MIKKI: Thank you.
Uh, excuse me.
MITCHELL: It's good.
I saw you get off the bus.
This, uh, morning.
You never take the bus.
You sold your car.
Maybe I can ride on your handlebars.
You took the job.
-Good.
-Yeah? Yeah.
I want you to stay, for a bunch of reasons.
They're all selfish.
You need to go.
For you.
So is this the part where you make some super-meaningful toast about launches? Yeah.
Totally.
There's my go-to toast.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I had to go with my gut.
I know.
Another one of your go-tos.
Does it get easier? What? Following your gut.
No.
But easy isn't really the point, I guess.
I know I was your first download.
MIKKI: Yo, boss, get your ass over here! You gotta see this.
Go ahead.
I know I know Whoa, I know -Ooo.
-It's our first review.
What? Yeah? (sighs) Fuckin' trolls.
I hate the Internet.
(sighs) Yeah.
Watch all episodes of Alpha House, - starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that'd be great.
Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Amazing.
Woo! -Is he okay? -Hells no! Not after Chocolate Thunder! He's donezo! One, two, three! MITCHELL: Yeah! This is incredible! Woo! Dude, isn't this awesome? You come, you get wasted, you see incredible feats of athleticism, and then, afterwards, you get to hang out with the dudes that performed 'em.
It's like a farmer's market for kicking ass.
What's up, bro? -Oh.
Hey, buddy.
What's up, man? - What's up? I'm Mitchell.
Incredible Reefer Madness, man.
Super awesome spot.
Thanks, bro.
What the fudge? What is Mr.
Murchison doing here? He's got a bid in to buy the league.
Wants to be our Vinny Mac.
Wait, Murch is an Agg-head? I dunno about that, lil' bro.
But, uh, apparently he's got some big plans.
Wants to take us, like, national or whatever.
How could you let an outsider corrupt the artform like that, man? He's talkin' big money.
So, is it Mitchell with two "L"'s? Yeah, like sellout.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Blaze.
I didn't mean a word I just said.
I'm a broken man, I'm damaged goods Lock me in the basement with furnace soot And I thought oral hygiene couldn't be sexy.
Thanks.
But if you're angling for morning action, you might want to try some eye contact.
-Shit.
-Something wrong? We launch in 96 hours and Hobbes just pinged me -that our hardware's on the fritz.
-What? Something about Russian spies? I mean he's a crazy person.
No, what did you say about launch? We still have four weeks.
Murch pushed up the date.
And you didn't think to consult me? Me? He's your boss.
I thought you were looped in.
Well, I wasn't.
He just wants to capitalize on the heat from the founders video.
We've preregistered 80,000 users.
I know the numbers.
Which is why I think launching in four days is a huge mistake.
You don't have a stable build.
You don't have anyone to handle customers once you You know, distracting me isn't gonna (laughs) You sure? It just really tokes my cookies, you know? They take the thing you love, throw a bunch of cash at it, and then they ruin what made it awesome in the first place.
Doesn't matter if it's "W.
W.
F.
" or "B.
I.
G.
" Mo' money, mo' problems.
Yeah.
Hey, look, I need you to focus on fixing the calendar.
The app keeps setting dates for 1913.
Maybe we should just build a time machine.
It's gotta be easier than the shit I'm dealing with right now.
Did you shower here? Yeah.
I took a jog.
You know.
Gotta be limber for the big push, right? -Since when do you jog? -Since when do you shower? Hilarious.
Listen, Nash-eesh, this calendar glitch is just the tip of the shit-storm.
All of the phones that we used to test the build are fried.
We need new ones stat.
I just bought those phones.
Listen I think these Russian motherfuckers attacked our cell network with an "S.
M.
S.
" worm.
Why would you think that? Occam's Razor.
The simplest explanation is usually true.
Plus they dress like The Talking Heads and they listen to polka.
Untrustable.
You're setting them up to fail.
What BRB needs is time to perfect their product, not a lesson in rolling the dice.
Uh-huh.
Seriously? Are you capable of focusing for one minute? It's called multi-tasking.
I happen to be researching an investment.
And what BRB needs is to capitalize on their momentum.
I know these guys are onto something big.
But the market is too crowded for a half-baked release.
Highlight was the talk of South By when they launched, then faded when their app drained everyone's battery.
And then they fixed the problem, and now they're bigger than ever.
Thus proving my point: users first, optimization second.
If I'd listened to you, Valet-Me would still be tinkering with their build, and not closing a multimillion- dollar deal with Chevy.
When I took this job, you told me that I'd be in charge, that I would manage our investments.
Our investments? Last time I checked, this was my company, financed with my money.
This is not a democracy.
It's not up for debate.
BRB is launching.
I got your ping about the hardware.
What what's going on? Test phones are toast.
And we can use a tower or two.
Three would be amazing.
Yeah, like that chick in Total Recall.
I hope you're not talking about the remake, 'cause then we can't be friends.
What about the calendar? Can we get it working in time? We're debugging as fast as we can, but the hardware failures are killing us, okay? If we'd had the money from my parents It's cool.
I've got another investor meeting in a half hour.
Hopefully, this one will come through so I can get us what we need.
Oh, cool.
Who's it with? David Chu.
Oh yeah? Is he paying you in rufies? (laughs) That was funny.
We'd make Valet-Me a premium launch partner with BRB -- on our homepage, the whole deal.
That's 80,000 fresh eyeballs minimum.
I bet you get a lot of eyeballs.
That's for you.
I can tell you twerk hard.
Thanks.
She ratchet anyway.
Look, I respect your hustle, T.
, and your whole FourSquare meets OKCupid vibe is tight -- but dropping stacks on an untested beta isn't good business.
-I gotta pass.
-I thought you were on board.
I was.
Now I'm not.
Maybe once y'all have uniques, we can revisit and talk hard numbers.
How am I supposed to get hard numbers without enough capital to seal the deal? Mm-hmm.
That shit sound like a you prob, not a Chu prob.
But if you want my advice, I'd suggest slowin' your roll and raisin' a round.
No one's gonna invest after the fact if your launch is weak sauce.
Least I can do.
HOBBES: They got blackout curtains and a biometric lock.
So either they're building some kind of electromagnetic weapon, or they're very shy poopers.
Maybe they're just working.
You should try it sometime.
Mitch, back me up on this, man.
Have you heard a fucking single word of English come out of any of these fuckers' mouths? Well, that's kinda racist.
But no, I haven't.
That Motherfuddrucker.
I can't even look at his face anymore.
I gotta do something.
Yes, you have to work.
We all do.
Leave it alone.
You don't understand, bro-bro.
This is like, like walking in on George Lucas as he's sketching Jar Jar Binks for the first time.
I have a duty to stop him before he destroys everything we hold dear.
That's an oddly compelling point.
Thank you.
Wrestling! Can you believe that? Apparently, my input is less important than roid-rage and unitards.
Glad The Murch is keeping himself entertained on his long, long spiral towards irrelevance.
Wow, you're so not helping right now.
What the fuck is up with this menu? What do you recommend? My current obsession is the Mundo Nova.
It's a single origin heirloom varietal, from Baratillo.
It's grown at 1,800 meters.
And it has notes of dragon fruit, rose hips and What, are we fucking buying shampoo? -Caffeine.
-Two, please.
Look, I know from experience that if you do good work for George he's never gonna promote you.
You've become too valuable right where you are.
So you're saying I'm screwed.
No, I'm saying you either accept his terms and hate yourself, or you do what I did and get the fuck out.
Oh, they still haven't filled that position at GreenMob in Seattle.
Oh great.
I can celebrate my 30th birthday with a pay cut and ten months of rain.
It's a chance to call the shots, run something of your own.
Maybe that's worth more than money.
I hear you got an offer from Wantful.
Yeah.
Giving is the new taking, apparently.
You don't sound excited.
It's a job, not a vibrator.
Work with us instead.
I'm listening.
Once we go live we're gonna have 80,000 users with 10,000 problems.
Now my guys are great with tech, but they're not Look, you want an ad campaign, I'm happy to manipulate people and take their money.
But that sounds like customer service.
I need someone who can do it all, like we did with the founders video.
You know how to play the angles and you know this team.
And let me guess, you want me to work for equity.
What, the usual three percent? For you? I'd go five.
Flattering.
But I need something real.
You ever hear of Ray Sidney? Is that the pock-marked guy from "Goodfellas"? Ray Sidney was employee number five at Google.
Cashed in his stock back in '03, worth over a billion dollars.
BRB is about to blow and I'm offering you the Ray Sidney seat.
Take it.
Somebody put on his Glengarry pants this morning.
What, next you're gonna tell me a million dollars isn't cool, a billion is.
So you'll do it? Look, long as you understand a girl's gotta eat.
That means paid gigs on the side, just until we get rich.
Unrelated -- you wouldn't happen to know where I could find Nash some new hardware on the cheap? Damn, Barrett, already turning the screws.
How desperate are you? On a scale from one to pretty fucking, I'd say pretty fucking.
Aloha.
It's, uh, it's not what you think.
Excuse me? A.
W.
E.
It's not some ATM that you can just pump and dump for a quick buck.
It's, uh, it's magic.
It's a little thing called true athleticism.
You know, you can't just Ted Dibiase all over our dreams, dude.
Because, uh, we are the ring.
We're the ring that protects the ring, and we are stronger than the influence of the corrupting almighty Benjamin.
Biggie Smalls, ya heard? Please recognize.
Respectfully.
Sir.
What company are you with? BRB, sir.
I'm super sorry, I just Ah, yes, one of Barrett's young wizards.
Coming in here pretending to piss Takes a lot of balls, and a real hard-on for the sport.
What are you doing later tonight? Um, working, sir.
We have a launch coming up.
Have a drink with me.
I wanna pick your brain.
You sure this gear's legit? I don't need some knockoff Dell flaming out five minutes after I boot up.
Papi, does this look like Chinatown to you? Listen, I deal in only authentic luxury electronics.
Okay.
Look, if Mikki vouches for you, that's good enough.
So, what's next? Well, I can get you your shit, that's no problem.
But it's gonna take me some time, you know.
A couple days.
Maybe more.
A couplewhatII thought you guys had warehouses full of hot merchandise.
You guys? Hot merchan-? Mija, explain to boyfriend here he best shut his fuckin' mouth.
Give us a sec.
Alright, he's negotiating, McNulty, okay? You want same-day delivery, you gotta sweeten the pot.
I already offered him everything I've got.
Unless he wants equity in a social app.
(laughs) Social? Aye, Papi, that market is saturated.
No.
No, I like your ride.
That's a real classy piece.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This was my high-school graduation gift.
It belonged to my dad.
Final offer.
Man, Mr.
Murchison, we totally coulda come to you.
-I feel terrible making you -Nonsense.
When I see your kind of passion, I roll up my sleeves and get dirty.
It's the secret of my success.
That, and HGH.
I want you to tell me everything that you know about A.
W.
E.
I don't know, boys.
Where do we start? Favorite costumes? Trevor, please don't be weird right now.
Um, five-star matches? That's easy.
Joey Ryan and Scott Lost versus Homicide and "B"-Boy at the Tango & Cash Tag Tourney.
-Epic.
-Ew.
I'm disgusted.
Are you for real? Joey Ryan's a cheating little twat.
He only beat Steen at Chanukah Chaos because Super Dragon worked him over first! Do you even read the dirt sheets? I read the dirt sheets first thing in the morning.
Woah, woah, gentlemen, slow down.
Try a little foreplay.
I've got a lot to learn.
I got a chameleon named Chance.
You wanna check him out? Just shut the fuck up, Trevor.
Murch, I'm gonna show you a move that in the Luchardor circuits is known as the Unbreakable Deathlock.
What? Oh, come on.
No.
Seriously, I'mI'm gonna Hulk out.
And he's going.
Trev? Oh, I'm his emergency contact.
Trev? Trev? Fainting goat, motherfucker! -Nice.
-I thought you would know that.
Nice performance, Ron Eldard.
Very good.
Hey, do you wanna see some sick-ass moves on Dashawn's YouTube channel? -You bet your ass I would.
-Thank you.
Thanks.
(clears throat) Sazerac! Is that Latin? That's citrus.
Come on, you pussies.
Go.
(knocking at door) -Hi.
-Hey.
What are you did we have plans? I thought we could celebrate.
I made some big moves today.
We may actually pull this thing off.
So, I hired a marketing manager this afternoon, and then I bought stolen tech from a Puerto Rican gangster.
How was your day? (laughs) Uh, fine.
Weird.
I told The Murch I didn't think you were ready.
Why would you do that? To buy your team some more time.
We don't need more time.
We're tracking off the charts.
Why are you fighting me on this? I'm not fighting you, Trey.
I'm advising you.
It's my job.
Is this because of what's going on between us? Did I do something? Because I thought things were going pretty well.
Nothing's going on between us.
You're not listening.
Nothing? Huh.
So booty texts at 3:00 a.
m.
, that's what, advising me? Do you consult with all your teams that way? I didn't mean nothing.
Okay? I just don't wanna complicate things.
I just spent the last year living a thousand miles away from the guy I was seeing, and now I'm sleeping with a guy I can't be seen with.
So I don't need a therapist to tell me that that is not healthy.
Cool, I get it.
And Chicago's 2,000 miles away from San Francisco.
You know, if facts matter to you.
Trey.
Don't be like this.
I'll see you at the office.
Or not.
I mean, I wouldn't want to complicate things.
(sighs) HOBBES: Those Russian motherfuckers were still soldering at 4:00 a.
m.
I could barely hear myself think over the sound of their ventilation system.
Why were you here at 4:00 in the morning? Think about it.
This town's an innovation hub.
One blast from an EMP-- boom the country's off the grid! I think Ohio can survive a night without Facebook.
If you're not gonna help me, just get out of my way.
I am helping! I'm being vigilant.
What are you doing, "No Fly List"? Are those pajamas? Hey, man.
Don't touch my clothes.
Hey.
Maybe you need to get a couple extra hours of sleep, man.
You're cracking up.
(announcer speaking indistinctly) Bullshit! If this was real wrestling, you'd be disqualified.
Even real wrestling isn't real, scrote.
Say that again, you mark.
I'll end you.
Chance senses a sadness in you.
Man, this reminds me of hanging with Don Fagen back in '72.
Steely Dan had just released Can't Buy a Thrill and Pong was all the rage.
We used to drop ludes and pump quarters into that machine.
And that's when I knew tech was the future.
Pong? Man, are you kidding me? You were, like, born at the wrong time.
The new PS Four graphics are gonna melt your face off! I saw Hendrix play Berkeley and had a three-way with Twiggy.
You kids don't know what face melting is.
You boys are good shits, though.
I wanna get your input as I move forward with this deal.
(announcer speaking indistinctly) It's important to me that I do right by the fans.
You guys are the heart of A.
W.
E.
There's no show without you.
ANNOUNCER: Oh no! (continues indistinctly) How you like me now, biotch? (laughs) You little bitch.
(laughs) -Beginner's fucking luck.
-(laughs) Crashed again.
I'm gonna have to start calling you Nash Bandicoot.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to account for every single permutation of a program? Millions of variables.
Yeah, I do, man.
And maybe if you weren't so busy playing pants police maybe we could finish the fucking build.
Guys! Focus.
What did the regression tests tell you? Are these phones stolen? Don't ask questions you won't like the answer to.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Where have you been? We've been coding since dawn.
We have a little launch thing happening.
Shutlisten.
You're not gonna believe me, but I was up all night raging with The Murch.
-Don't say raging.
-Wait.
You were with Murchison? Yeah.
And, uh, I had him all wrong.
Because the dude is like the dopest.
Did you know that he named all the ghosts in Pac Man? And that Pinky was actually named after Twiggy's I'm glad you two decided to have a bro down in the final hours before launch, but if you could pull up your chair and bang out some code, that'd be awesome.
What're you doing here? Your prayers have been answered, Mitchie.
I'm your new co-worker.
If you dorks are gonna dry hump I need to be somewhere else.
Now.
I think Hobbes is living here.
-What? -He sleeps here, showers here.
He never goes home.
And his jeans are jammies.
(cell phone chimes) What I said last night-- that was unfair.
I didn't mean to make it personal.
It's fine.
You've been against BRB from the get-go.
I don't know why I thought you and Iwhatever, would change that.
But I'm not against you, Trey.
I believe in you.
I told you not to launch because I care, not because I want to stand in your way.
AndI might not be around to protect you if you run into trouble.
Well, what does that mean? I got offered a job.
In Seattle.
Running my own team.
Nothing fancy, but something I can build on my own terms.
Are you going to take it? I don't know.
You know, I never asked for your protection.
Hell, I never asked you for anything.
And now that I need you, now that we're hours away Nine out of ten companies that come through Velocity don't make it.
That's the cold, hard truth.
Murch makes a living betting that one outta ten hits it big.
And I don't want you to be one of the nine.
I'm not gonna be.
I know you think that, Trey.
But that feeling he gives you of being special, being the chosen one just try not to let it cloud your vision.
(cheering) Ah! (cheers) Thanks for coming out.
I thought your team could use a break.
All due respect, sir, but a break is the last thing we need.
We're supposed to launch in 60 hours.
And you're having doubts.
Any rational man would.
BRB is your future, right? It's everything.
I just want to make sure we put our best foot forward.
You only launch once.
Now you're sounding like Lisa.
Don't get me wrong, she's smart.
She's a strategic thinker.
But she's not bold.
She's not like us.
Where you and I see opportunity, she just sees risk.
Most people look at this and think it's ridiculous -- men in costumes, running around like a bunch of lunatics.
But there's nothing silly about passion.
Passion is the one pure currency.
It means a loyal audience, need -- a market.
I appreciate the pep talk, but I just don't see what wrestling has to do with BRB.
Tell me what you see.
Besides drunk geeks screaming? As a C.
E.
O.
What do you see? (raucous shouting) -I see customers.
-Ah.
Entertainers trying to reach those customers.
-And chaos.
-Exactly.
A.
W.
E.
is just a small node in a vast network of independent wrestling shows across the nation.
An industry in search of a platform -- a way to deliver content to an army of loyal fans.
Like Bandcamp did for indie bands.
Exactly.
And I can re-purpose that technology and connect all this.
And the wrestlers give you a cut of t-shirt and ticket sales.
It's a golden opportunity, but if I wait around for the Lisas of the world to vet my every move, somebody else'll do it first.
And I sure as shit won't have any fun.
(crowd cheering, shouting) Yes! Guy-on-guy stuff, hey Mitchie? I never would've guessed.
-What? No.
These guys are athletes.
-Uh-huh.
There's totally a girl just right there.
Suck each other's dicks! What he said! -Woo! Yeah! -Yeah! It's your call, Barrett.
The way I see it, you have two choices: You can either watch the show, or get in the fucking ring.
What's it gonna be? (crowd cheering) Drop your cocks and grab your socks, ladies! We're going live.
Lotta douchey C.
E.
O.
s with idea napkins out there.
But We.
Fucking.
Ship.
Proud of you, buddy.
Proud of us.
Here goes everything.
(cheering) You know, I've always wanted to drink champagne off an Indian nerd's tits.
(laughs) Alright.
Guys, before I forget.
Here.
You guys killed it.
So, this is not as much as you deserve, but it's a start.
And, uh, it's all I've got.
Heyfor a robot, you've got a big heart.
Thank you.
-(laughs) -MIKKI: Thank you.
Uh, excuse me.
MITCHELL: It's good.
I saw you get off the bus.
This, uh, morning.
You never take the bus.
You sold your car.
Maybe I can ride on your handlebars.
You took the job.
-Good.
-Yeah? Yeah.
I want you to stay, for a bunch of reasons.
They're all selfish.
You need to go.
For you.
So is this the part where you make some super-meaningful toast about launches? Yeah.
Totally.
There's my go-to toast.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
I had to go with my gut.
I know.
Another one of your go-tos.
Does it get easier? What? Following your gut.
No.
But easy isn't really the point, I guess.
I know I was your first download.
MIKKI: Yo, boss, get your ass over here! You gotta see this.
Go ahead.
I know I know Whoa, I know -Ooo.
-It's our first review.
What? Yeah? (sighs) Fuckin' trolls.
I hate the Internet.
(sighs) Yeah.
Watch all episodes of Alpha House, - starring John Goodman.
- Oh, that'd be great.
Exclusively on Amazon Prime Instant Video.
Amazing.