Better Late Than Never (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
A Thai Goodbye
1 MALE NARRATOR: Asia, land of exotic beauty, untold wonders, and home to civilizations that have existed for thousands of years [RECORD SCRATCH EFFECT.]
[PLAYING RECORDER.]
- [COW MOOS.]
- Until now.
[STEPPENWOLF'S "BORN TO BE WILD".]
Four living legends embark on a journey across Asia [YELLING.]
NARRATOR: For the time of their lives.
[YELLING.]
NARRATOR: Starring TV superstar, Henry Winkler.
Born to be wild NARRATOR: Cultural icon, William Shatner.
[YELLING.]
Hey, hey, hey! NARRATOR: NFL Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw.
Born to be wild NARRATOR: Former heavyweight champion George Foreman, and introducing Jeff Dye as Jeffrey! NARRATOR: The sidekick.
Born to be wild NARRATOR: Tonight, on the final leg of their adventure We don't need an international incident.
NARRATOR: Phuket Yours truly is turning 67 in Phuket.
NARRATOR: And Chiang Mai.
I am king of the jungle! Ho ho! I never want to die I never dreamed of seeing anything like this.
- NARRATOR: "Better late - [YELLS.]
You got people behind you.
NARRATOR: Than never.
This is cool! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Next stop, Thailand! [ALL SNORING.]
So this week, it's Terry Bradshaw's birthday.
Right.
And have you noticed that Terry is reading your book? - I know.
- Yeah.
You know, one of the rules when I become 80? What? The one rule I'm always gonna have is, "Just smile.
You're lucky you made it.
" - Who said that? - Martin Luther King? I don't know.
That's always gonna be a saying of mine.
And maybe it's time for him to grow up.
Oh.
- Not a chance.
- Okay.
[BELL DINGS.]
Just smile because it's my birthday.
I should get my way, right? [LAUGHS.]
ALL: We're gonna have a good day And all my homies gonna ride today - That's right.
ALL: And all these mommies look fly today Hey, we're gonna have a good day And ain't nobody gotta cry today Uh-uh.
Save that drama for another day Hey Whoo! ALL: We're gonna have a good day Good morning, good morning! Wow.
ALL: We're gonna have a good day Look at it.
Gorgeous! Boy, isn't that something? I'm sick of stopping every ten seconds to go pee.
In Thailand, they all ride around in these things called tuk-tuks, which is kinda like an Uber except without windows, seat belts, safety.
Ooh, pineapple.
Mmm! Oh! God dang, that scared me.
So this probably is not gonna end well, but it will end fun.
What do you think, guys, race? - [CLUCKING.]
- Let's go! Hey, wait a minute, guys.
You want some of this? - Come on, let's go! - Get on 'em, baby! [LAUGHING.]
Wait a minute! Guys, for gosh sakes! Catch em! Fasten your seat belt, boys, 'cause it is gonna be a bumpy ride.
Eat my dust, loser! [LAUGHING.]
We're missing the culture! - Whoo-hoo! - Stop it! Can you believe this? Look at Shatner.
You're driving me nuts.
I'm the one that's doing all the experiencing here.
What's wrong with him? There's no need for this, guys.
- [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Let's win! - Atta baby! - You head on down that road! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What are we doing? [DOGS BARKING.]
We don't need an international incident, guys.
Kiss my ass! Stop it! Reasoning with Terry Bradshaw is like reasoning with a toddler.
You're all too old for this! [LAUGHS.]
And that's unfair to toddlers.
What a way to bring in my birthday! - [LAUGHING.]
- Uh-oh.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, what's going on here? - [CAR HORN HONKING.]
- What the - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - What's going on? BOTH: Whoa! Whoa! - What's - Hey! Hey! We round this corner, then all of a sudden we're just stopped dead in our tracks.
They're having water games.
I don't know what they're doing.
- What is everybody doing? - I don't know.
Why are you throwing water? - Whoa! Why? - What is this? What in the world? [ALL CHEERING.]
Oh! [HORN HONKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
We can't get through there, so of course we do what you're supposed to do.
We're competitive.
We jump out and we join in the game.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Oh, God, George.
Get out! - [BLEEP.]
- Whoa! [ICONA POP'S "I LOVE IT".]
- This way.
- What in the name I got this feeling on the summer day - Where we going? - Hey! I'm gonna put stuff on your face.
I don't care I love it I don't care This is great.
This is an opportunity for Terry to just clean the slate and become a new man.
I don't care I'm must not be oh! I don't care I don't care I love it Hey, bend over.
You need cleansing.
This is crazy! I don't care Don't drink the water.
Now you tell me.
Ahh! We haven't even gotten to the hotel yet.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
This is the first shower I've had in four days.
I love it Welcome to Thailand.
[LAUGHING.]
[TRIBAL MUSIC.]
- That was fun.
- Well, it was I'll tell ya.
All my sins are gone.
[SPEAKING IN THAI.]
welcome.
- Hello.
- Hi.
We're gonna check in the hotel now.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Ohh! - Wow.
- Thailand! Thailand! I love Thailand.
That was some festival.
Wait a minute.
We're at the wrong hotel.
Ahh! [ROCK MUSIC.]
Hi, we'd like to put something on our bodies forever.
Ah! A little further over, you got my spleen.
[BOTH GROANING.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Okay.
- Whoo! - I got it! - Henry! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
This week, Terry Bradshaw's celebrating his 67th year on planet Earth, so I wanted to make it really special.
This will be the best decision we ever made over a couple of drinks.
[TECHNO MUSIC.]
[GONG EFFECT.]
Bill, if you were gonna get a tattoo Yeah.
Would you get it in Thailand? No, I'd get it on my ass.
Oh.
Hi, we'd like to put something on our bodies forever.
Nervous.
I'm real nervous.
Can you tell? - Yep.
- But I got a real reason for doing this.
I'm going with this.
- All right.
- Alpha Omega.
- Okay.
- Beginning and the end, and in honor of my two girls.
I didn't know you'd get all "Bill Shatner" on me, - you know, with all - No.
I'm a little nervous.
I'm petrified of needles, and this is all needles, so my honest, simple question is, "Is it gonna hurt?" - Yeah, it will.
- Yeah? Well, that was comforting.
- That's it? - Yep.
Can I get a pain level from you? Like, one to ten? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, about ten.
Terry's freaking out.
Hey, what is that stuff they give you in a dentist's office? Seriously, I'm having trouble breathing over here.
But in all seriousness, I haven't told anyone or Terry what I'm gonna get yet.
But I do know he's gonna be really flattered and it's gonna blow his mind.
[EXHALES.]
Golly.
Boy, I am so nervous.
Someone put a blood pressure monitor on me.
What are you, a thousand years old? Shut up! Loud-mouth 30-year-old.
I'm ready! Terry is 66 years old.
Why would he want to Don't ask.
George - Yes.
- Is sleeping.
- What's new? - What's new? [SNORING.]
What are we gonna do? We're going to do something special.
We're going to do something that's so cultural, so part of the country that we'll never ever forget it.
Can't wait.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, right there.
- Oh.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Bill? - Yeah.
I never thought I would be getting a couples massage with you in Thailand.
Henry, I don't want you to take this too far.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay.
Ow! You are bending me into a new zip code.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right! This is relaxing? Henry, go with it.
Get into the muscle.
Thailand is way more beautiful than I thought! Whoa! I feel good Ah! Hey! I knew that I would now Oh, yeah.
Felt something pop.
What was that? Oh, my God! So good - [GROANS.]
- [GROANS.]
So good - [GROANS.]
- Oh! Oh, oh.
Hold it just a second.
Ho.
B Oh! I feel nice - Henry? - Yes? - Help me.
- Man, that that that - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Okay? I'm seeing stars.
- Ahh.
- That that that I challenge you.
Make me scream.
- [CRACKING EFFECT.]
- Oh, yeah.
Terry, yours is done, right? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
- [LAUGHING.]
[IMITATING MONKEY.]
Pfft.
[BLEEP.]
, man.
I know that I can do no wrong [HUMMING.]
There's no such thing as Bigfoot.
Bigfoot Bigfoot's in commercials.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Well He's the beef jerky guy.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah.
Oy-yi-yi.
Oh, yeah.
Hey! I'm through! All right! First tattoo! - Let me see what you got.
- Boom.
- Get outta here! - T.
B.
- Get outta here! - Number 12.
I got the number 12 because it's my favorite quarterback, T.
B.
Four Super Bowls.
Tom Brady.
No, I'm just kidding.
It's Terry Bradshaw.
This is for you, buddy.
When Jeff put a 12 on his shoulder in honor of me, that was pretty touching.
That was a pretty special moment for me.
This is the best birthday.
I feel like a new man.
Can I have a tissue? - [LAUGHING.]
- I'm just kidding.
- My dude.
- Love it, man.
All right.
A little over.
A little Massages were great, right? Are you not happy now? I should've gotten a tattoo.
A little further over, you got my spleen.
- Hey! - [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAM CONTINUES.]
I gotta get up there.
Hit him! Oh! Oh! Hi there.
- Ha ha! - Yeah.
- Jeff - [LAUGHING.]
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
- Phuket? - Phuket.
- I will never - BOTH: Phuket.
I always wanted to come to Asia.
It is more than I thought.
- Amazing, isn't it? - It's just the culture.
Maybe we should've got three tuk-tuks.
Tuk-tucked in the middle here.
I'm happy to celebrate my birthday here in Phuket with my buddies.
I guess you could say this is my "tucket" list.
- Come on, guys.
- Where we headed? There it is.
That's what I'm talking about.
Terry, I've got the perfect birthday gift for you.
Have you ever fought Muay Thai, George? Never, never, never.
See, I don't believe in kicking.
Well, with your right hand, no wonder.
[LAUGHS.]
Boys, we are going in.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- [WOMEN CHEERING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Are you ready to rumble? Whoa! - Oh! - [SCREAMS.]
Whoa! Muay Thai, also known as "The art of eight limbs.
" The hands become a sword and knife.
The shins and the forearms act as armor.
The elbow is used as a hammer.
Oh! Legs and knees become the axe and staff.
Oh! The body grapples for an opening to take their enemy to the ground to kill.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo! [CROWD CHEERING.]
That was the one! [ALL CHEERING.]
George Foreman! Whoo! [BELL DINGS.]
[ALL CHANTING "GEORGE".]
He's coming down! [ALL CHEERING.]
George! Go get 'em, big guy! Look at that.
Look how natural that looks.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Yes! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna do it.
I wouldn't if I were you.
You're not me.
- This is your chance.
- I gotta get up there.
We've had a lot of bad ideas on this trip.
- Uh-huh.
- This one is the worst, Bill.
Or the best.
I'm gotta try this.
I'm going up there.
[RHYTHMIC MUSIC.]
- That's it.
He's dead.
- Ding! Don't hurt yourself, Bill! This guy's fought dinosaurs.
Take it easy, Bill! We didn't get to say good-bye to this idiot.
This just dawned on me.
[LAUGHS.]
Thailand is where I said he'd be checking out.
- You called it.
- I know.
I'm afraid of dying.
He doesn't know this, but we picked the country we thought he would not make it out of alive.
I don't wanna be the first to go.
I think he's going down on Thailand.
- [ECHOING.]
- Thailand.
I just didn't know George would be the one murdering him.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I thought he was gonna die from natural diseases or something.
I know.
- Are you ready? - No.
No, no, no.
- Punch him in the pacemaker! - Oh! Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
Try and knock me out, George.
How hard can that be? Oh! Ah! - Jab, jab, jab! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Has Bill lost his mind? Okay, hold it.
Hold it.
Let's get the gloves.
Let's get the gloves.
- Oh! - What? You want to That's sissy, man.
Oh, my gosh.
Uh-oh! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Come on, George.
Come on.
Come on, George.
Mix 'em up! Come on! George! I knew George Foreman when he was a killer.
Come on, George! Now he's a mama's boy.
He loves his mama.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[ROARING EFFECT.]
- Oh, my - Oh! Uh-oh.
This isn't good.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK EFFECT.]
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Bill! [SIREN WAILING.]
And down goes Shatner! Down goes Shatner! Bill! Bill.
Bill, can you hear me? [ECHOING.]
Oh, my God.
What happened? - He hit you in the face.
- Was it good? You went down like a sack of potatoes.
- Was it good? Was it good? - He was great.
Wow.
There.
It's right there.
- That's where the bruise is.
- Wow.
Bruise? It's bleeding, right? Yeah.
No, it's not bleeding, but it's turning purple.
Tell me again what happened.
And this one's for your ego.
You you kept you I hate to say I told you so.
Then don't, okay? - I won't.
- All right.
He started hitting me for real, like, "I don't like this, you know.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Let's go see the elephants.
He's giving me a signal.
I wanna ride.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ooh! Oh, my God.
Here come the monkeys.
There's 50 of 'em.
Oh! God, don't scare me.
[HONKY-TONK MUSIC.]
Here we are.
It's Terry's birthday.
- To our birthday boy.
- Yeah.
Can anybody sing "Birthday"? He has a really melodic voice.
Amazing Grace Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Oh, don't do that.
BOTH: How He sings gospel.
Oh, Henry, Henry The Fonz you do He sings western.
My first love story Doesn't matter where.
To watch the fish swim by So George and I, we're gonna give Terry a little taste of his own medicine.
Oh, my gosh.
- Want you to know, Terry - This is for you.
Awesome, man, song.
Just for me.
All right, here we go.
[PIANO INTRO TO ANDREW GOLD'S "THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND".]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
BOTH: Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Why? And if you threw a party Yeah! You'd see for yourself Go, George! Yeah! The biggest gift would be from us - Yeah.
- Do it! And the card attached would say Bring it to the house, boys! BOTH: Thank you for being a friend It's a really strange group of people.
- Thank you.
- I love you! - Thank you.
- I love you! - Thank you - Oh, my God.
- For being a friend - My old song.
Yeah! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Yeah, George, Henry! Awesome, baby! Awesome! Don't sing it again.
I gotta be honest with you.
Kinda nice to have this part of the trip be all about me.
This is nice, and for once, it's not about Bill, which, I'm sure, he won' sleep all night long pouting.
I, too, got you a little something.
I'll just give the code word here.
[BIRD CALLING.]
This is for you, T.
B.
Happy birthday.
My boy lollipop - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- Ah, geez.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, boy.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey, Bill.
[LAUGHING.]
That's funny! [LAUGHTER.]
- [CROWD CHEERING.]
- Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
You are my one desire Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
And me, do I need you? I need you so I'll never let you go [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Tonight, America, on my 67th birthday, I ended up kissing a guy.
[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING.]
And I liked it [LAUGHING.]
I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry ChapStick Who cares? I'm still smiling.
[LAUGHS.]
It felt so wrong It felt so right I'll remember this birthday for the rest of my life.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Let's win! Let's win! We're being crazy and goofy and silly.
Whoa! I liked it So much fun to be like that.
'Cause life, to me, is not getting older Too good to Oh! [GROANS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ain't no big deal But feeling younger.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
And I definitely feel younger, especially after this trip.
Look at this.
You got a whole birthday cake.
Well, we had a great party.
- Yep.
- I think that Terry now is older and wiser.
You know, I love Terry the way he is.
Yeah, so do I.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Whoa! [ALL CHEERING.]
Happy birthday, baby! [SNORING.]
[ALARM SOUNDS.]
[GROANS.]
Next stop, Chiang Mai! Well, this is the last leg on our trip.
BOTH: Chiang Mai We're all in good spirits.
You know why? None of us kicked the bucket.
Hi! Was that the pilot? Yes, it's on automatic and they don't worry about things like that in Thailand.
Like landing? - [LAUGHING.]
- BOTH: Chiang Mai Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank Great job.
Pray for 'em.
They're all on their last leg.
Thank you.
[UPBEAT BLUES MUSIC.]
- Hey, Bill.
- Yeah.
What does Chiang Mai mean? Chiang Mai means "Land of a Thousand Suns.
" Are you making it up, or you telling me I do not make things up.
Of course I'm making it up.
I don't want people to know I know nothing.
I've been making things up this whole trip.
Hi, there! We're from America.
God bless you.
We're in Chiang Mai! Chiang Mai! Chiang Mai Hello! Okay, not all at once.
We finally made it to Chiang Mai, the last stop on this trip.
I know.
- Where's Jeff gonna put us? - I don't know.
Yeah, you're worried.
Concerned, I think, is the word.
Yeah.
Okay.
Holy cow! Look at this place! This is magnificent.
Imagine how good the breakfast buffet is gonna be.
Welcome to Chiang Mai.
We're here.
Cue the slow-mo entrance.
Let's show 'em why they call me Mr.
Worldwide Why you think they call me Mr.
Worldwide? [PLAYING FLUTE.]
Let's show 'em why they call me Mr.
Worldwide Why you think they call me Mr.
Worldwide? Wow.
It's beyond "wow.
" Hold up I love this place.
It's authentic, it's beautiful, the architecture, the grounds.
Gorgeous.
Only thing missing is a big ol' 60-inch high-def TV with every sports channel in the world.
It's very moving.
Yeah, for some more than others.
Terry, even the bathrooms are nice! God.
- To the left.
To the left! - To the where? [ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE.]
That is incredible.
His eyes are wide open.
Listen, I can only do so much.
You've gotta also moisturize.
- [YELLING.]
- Please, please! [CAR HORN HONKING.]
You gotta be kidding me.
- It's not working.
- Are you kidding me? [MOODY HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- BOTH: [INDISTINCT.]
- Good afternoon, everybody.
Nice to see you.
Welcome to The Royal Villa.
BOTH: We're your butlers.
- We got butlers.
- You do.
- Serious? - Yes, sir.
Whatever we want, we just hit a bell.
[HALL AND OATES' "YOU MAKE MY DREAMS (COME TRUE)".]
Of course.
Allow me to show you around.
I have a request actually.
- Of course, of course.
- Thank you so much.
- What I want you've got - Whoo-hee! - Beautiful.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Okay.
The candle feeds the flame I wanna move into this place.
This is awesome! Right.
Right, right.
Right, right, right, right, right, right.
Hey, sweetheart.
T.
B.
here.
There you go.
Your husband.
Get the dogs, we're moving to Thailand.
This place is awesome.
Wait till you see this.
To the left.
To the left! [ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE.]
Ooh, ooh Jeff! Jeff.
- Yeah? - He's close.
He's close, real close.
Yeah, he's right here.
[ANIMAL GRUNTS.]
There's a man with him.
I was talking about the man.
One of the chefs gives a cooking class, and I signed us up.
You make my dreams come true Ooh, ooh you, you That is the hottest pepper in Thailand? - Right.
- Taste it.
No, no, no.
Don't eat it now.
- Don't try.
- Look.
Look.
Ow! That's hot.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- That's hot.
- I just said, "Don't eat it.
" - I thought you were joking.
- No, I'm not joking.
- [SINGING IN THAI.]
- [SINGING IN THAI.]
[BOTH SINGING IN THAI.]
- [COUGHING.]
- Okay, so [BOTH LAUGHING.]
You make my dream come true I could've been a contender.
Here you go.
- What did you make? - We made a curry chicken.
And this is bass.
Come on.
- That is so good, I can't- - All right, see? It's good.
Now I'd like more.
- Can I give you more? - Yes, please.
Oh, but you don't want the pepper, right? Oh, no! Do not go near that.
This is the hottest pepper - [LAUGHING.]
- In Thailand.
Yeah, go ahead, Bill.
This is the one? That's the one.
[EXHALES.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Ahh.
- Whoo! Whoo! The Fonz would say - Whoa.
- Whoa.
[LAUGHTER.]
Where are we going? - I want to see an elephant.
- Me too, baby, me too.
I love elephants.
- I was down in the library.
- Yeah.
I did research on this.
It's the adventure of the trip.
- This is the jungle, gentlemen.
- I love the jungle.
This is where the amoeba are that swim up your penis, and they have to go in with little baskets - Ugh.
- To scrape them out.
Hey, I'll try anything once.
Let's do this.
The only thing good about that is how long it takes to get them out.
[LAUGHING.]
Or in my case, how long it takes them to get up.
I never thought I'd hear so much about your guys' penises.
There's a bend in the river coming up, so I suggest we follow it, okay? Actually, there's no choice, right? So here we are on the big Taeng River, and this river is part of the history of the country.
And that's what WE'RE HERE FOR: the history.
Thank you very much.
That was so beautiful.
Oh, my goodness.
Hello, elephants.
- Look at this.
- Hello.
First that you need do, get to know the names of the animals.
- Okay.
- Her name is Natalie.
ALL: Natalie.
- Oh, I know a Natalie.
She's 15 years old.
- Hello, I'm George- - I'm gonna say hello.
- And I'm so glad to meet you.
- What is your name? - Sugar Cane.
- Sugar Cane.
I'm Henry.
Hi! I cannot believe I'm standing in front of one of these things.
- How cool is that? - Hello, Natalie.
Hello.
Elephants have one of the highest intelligences that we know.
They may even be superior in many ways to human beings.
[LAUGHING.]
They've got all this ability to communicate both locally and thousands of miles.
Why would they have that unless they were saying things that were meaningful? He's giving me a signal in shaking.
He's vibrating.
We don't understand elephants yet.
What a marvelous place to investigate.
You're big.
Man, you're really big.
- Me! - We can ride? I wanna ride.
The one thing that I really wanted to do on this trip was to be up close to an elephant.
- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
- Yeah.
- Grab the ear.
- Hold that.
- Yeah.
- And then kick the legs.
- Kick the leg.
- Kick the legs.
- He gives you a shelf.
- Yes, give you a shelf.
And then, step there.
Okay, up.
Up.
Okay.
Wah, wah! I am king of the jungle! Ha-ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoo! I've never felt like this before.
This is incredible.
- Terry, you can get up.
- No.
I'm sure you can.
This is so wonderful.
Now that motion was really good.
His eyes are wide open.
Fantastic! Drawing flowers! That is beautiful, Sugar Cane.
I think we all knew how incredible this experience was that was given to us, like, this gift.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, we got a breakthrough.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, baby.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Nice job, Terry! - Oh, my goodness! [WHISPERING.]
Bill.
- [WHISPERING.]
Yeah.
- [WHISPERING.]
Terry.
[WHISPERING.]
My God.
Hello, everyone.
Listen, I can only do so much.
You've gotta also moisturize.
- Can you imagine you touching - No.
- An elephant? - This is beyond anything I've ever experienced.
This is, for me, the moment I'm almost - That's it.
- Yeah.
I really felt a connection with him.
It was amazing, wasn't it? This is an awesome trip and I definitely don't want it to end.
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[SQUEALING.]
You want me to go away? Look.
I'm moving away.
- Look at that.
- There you go.
That's your souvenir? So that's what you're gonna do in a lonely hotel room.
- No, this is for - [LAUGHING.]
[UPBEAT STRING MUSIC.]
Okay, guys, next stop, the Long Neck Tribe.
One more adventure, boys.
I've read about these ladies with the with the rings - Yeah.
- Around their neck.
I think it's right around the bend here.
Oh, my gosh.
It's a little village.
Look at how amazing this is.
[COOING.]
Hi.
Hello.
This is something else.
[CREAKING.]
Oh, my gosh.
Beautiful.
This is like "National Geographic.
" - Yeah.
Truly.
- Uh - Yeah.
- The first time I ever saw a picture was in National Geographic.
- I'm telling you, as kids - And here we are.
Not only were you looking for long necks; you were looking for them without their shirt on.
Did you do that? You're looking at me blankly.
[STRING FLOURISH.]
- Wow.
- Does it does it hurt? - No.
No.
- No? - BOTH: Heavy.
- Can you take it off? - No.
- No.
- You know why they wear 'em? - No.
- For beauty.
- Yes, I can see that.
It's also for protection from either a tiger bite or bad spirits' bites.
- Of course you would know that.
- Of course.
This little, tiny house is every bit as big as my grandmother's house, which was just a tiny, tiny kitchen with a wood stove.
- Where? Where? Where? - In Sparta, Tennessee.
Right now? You're saying this house right here.
- Just I'm not exa - I understand.
- It was just that small.
- Did you go to it? - I understand.
- Oh, yeah.
And they had a creek like this that my dad damned up himself and used for a swimming hole.
This just this is pretty amazing.
What am I doing? I'm acting like Bill Shatner now.
God forbid I do that.
That's cr Sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, guys, look.
Got a guitar.
Oh, no.
Grand Ole Opry here! It looks like I've stumbled up on a tribal jam session.
- [SINGING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
- Whoa.
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
Look at that.
That's homemade.
- Wonderful.
- Okay.
That was great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You, um Don't mind if I do.
I was walking in the village One night with my friends I walked across some women Wearing a big ol' happy grin Listening to Terry sing for five weeks, I wish we could put a couple of rings around his neck.
Now let's all do harmony.
[OFF-KEY GUITAR MUSIC.]
Please, Lord, make it stop.
- Hoo - I told you [THUNDER CRASHING.]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING, ROOSTER CROWING.]
Oh, my God! Okay.
Okay.
Now we're in a, uh - Wow, look at this rain.
- Now it's a little heavy.
Sweet Jesus.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
This is something else.
- [BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
- Whoop.
She likes it.
I've done a lot of things in my life, but this trip - [LAUGHING.]
- You've destroyed my weapon.
Has put everything in perspective.
[WOMEN VOCALIZING.]
[SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Whoa.
I never dreamed of seeing anything like this.
Whoa! Right through the legs! It is invigorating 'cause you're seeing people live life to its fullest without asking for an awful lot other than a good family, their health.
People have millions of dollars and are never satisfied or happy.
These people are.
[SQUEALING.]
You want me to go away? Look.
I'm moving away.
- Look at that.
- There you go.
[WOMEN VOCALIZING.]
- Ooh.
- [BABBLING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Uh-oh.
- [LAUGHING.]
He's picking up sticks now.
I quit.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I was a little reluctant to leave the hotel.
But this village I really wouldn't want to be anywhere but right here right now.
Definitely made this trip worthwhile.
Bye-bye.
Wow! I want to know more about what Bill feels instead of about what Bill knows.
How do you feel? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[LAUGHING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
["BANG BANG" PLAYING.]
Well, we survived, uh, four countries, six cities, and, I think we all agree, around 25,000 stories from Bill.
At least.
- Bang bang into the room - I know you want it - Bang bang all over you - I'll let you have it Here we are at the last dinner.
Yes.
The lana dinner.
I've never seen anything like this in my life.
Wow.
- Holy cow.
- I'm speechless.
I don't believe it.
I want you to know I've never been so happy in my life that I'm sitting at this table after what we did together.
I never spend time with people.
- I'm a loner.
- Yeah? But that was the best part of it, was spending time with each of you.
Walking up those stairs.
- To Mount Fuji? - Mount Fuji.
I'd run out of energy.
I hadn't done that kinda exercise in years.
Show me the mountain! And I wanted to stop, but Henry came up and just lifted me and I got all my strength back.
I made it! I made it! - And look at that.
- That is gorgeous.
This trip made me about as strong as I've ever been in my life.
["SWEET DISPOSITION" PLAYING.]
I really learned that I can do anything.
The day you retire is the day you start dying.
- That is true.
I believe that.
- Don't ever retire.
And Mr.
Shatner, he's living proof that load the docks, baby.
Load the wagons and keep it going.
Kinda came into this thing mentally kicking and screaming.
Oh! I'm not eating that [BLEEP.]
.
- You're being a child.
- Yeah, baby! But this trip really did change my life.
Welcome to Kyoto, boys! And for all of you right now that are sitting back and you're eating potato chips Oh, God, would I have loved potato chips on this trip! I encourage you, get up and explore the world.
Hello, everyone.
Ahh! It will change you.
And Shatner's right, change is good.
But don't tell him that.
I'll say one thing.
I wanna know more about what Bill feels instead of about what Bill knows.
- Nobody asked me.
- How do you feel? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [LAUGHING.]
In my somewhat longer life than yours, I have never and would never have experienced what we have done together.
Hah! Oh! Five weeks, living with somebody 24 hours a day Why do I think of peaches? [LAUGHS.]
Will either make you or break you.
This made it for me, in terms of friends.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
I look forward to sitting at another table, wherever it may be, with the four of you.
- Hear, hear! - Good toast.
Surrender Cheers.
Here's to the big time.
["CECILIA AND THE SATELLITE" PLAYING.]
All right, I'm lighting mine.
One of things they do in Thailand, when you're at the end of your journey, you make a wish, you write it down, you put it in the lantern and the lantern takes it into the heavens.
Hey, guys, we got ours lit.
How you doing? The paper is too close to the flame.
How's that? We also sent one floating down a river.
Remember that? What happens when it catches on fire? Oh, my God! - Whose is that? - That's yours.
Look at it burning up.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Poor Bill.
Okay, let it go.
See what happens.
Best wishes.
Oh, they're all around us.
- Look at this.
- Magic.
How wonderful is this night.
Well, we did it.
Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh - [THUDDING.]
- Oh! [BLEEP.]
The five of us came on this journey to learn about a culture we didn't understand.
Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh! - [YELLS.]
What we didn't expect was that we would learn about ourselves and each other.
- If I could fly - Whoa! - Than I would know - This is style, man.
[LAUGHTER.]
What life looks like from up above And down below We started off in Los Angeles as friends, and we're going back to our home as family.
- I'm the satellite - Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh And you're the sky Look how beautiful this is.
What is the reason we did this? - To make a wish.
- The wish is for more and greater adventures.
- Put it right here.
- Right there.
- Right there.
- Right there.
One, two, three! [ALL YELL.]
Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh Well, a lot of wishes out there.
Look! It's catching on fire! Oh, my God! Kidding.
[LAUGHING.]
And you're the sky
[PLAYING RECORDER.]
- [COW MOOS.]
- Until now.
[STEPPENWOLF'S "BORN TO BE WILD".]
Four living legends embark on a journey across Asia [YELLING.]
NARRATOR: For the time of their lives.
[YELLING.]
NARRATOR: Starring TV superstar, Henry Winkler.
Born to be wild NARRATOR: Cultural icon, William Shatner.
[YELLING.]
Hey, hey, hey! NARRATOR: NFL Hall of Famer Terry Bradshaw.
Born to be wild NARRATOR: Former heavyweight champion George Foreman, and introducing Jeff Dye as Jeffrey! NARRATOR: The sidekick.
Born to be wild NARRATOR: Tonight, on the final leg of their adventure We don't need an international incident.
NARRATOR: Phuket Yours truly is turning 67 in Phuket.
NARRATOR: And Chiang Mai.
I am king of the jungle! Ho ho! I never want to die I never dreamed of seeing anything like this.
- NARRATOR: "Better late - [YELLS.]
You got people behind you.
NARRATOR: Than never.
This is cool! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Next stop, Thailand! [ALL SNORING.]
So this week, it's Terry Bradshaw's birthday.
Right.
And have you noticed that Terry is reading your book? - I know.
- Yeah.
You know, one of the rules when I become 80? What? The one rule I'm always gonna have is, "Just smile.
You're lucky you made it.
" - Who said that? - Martin Luther King? I don't know.
That's always gonna be a saying of mine.
And maybe it's time for him to grow up.
Oh.
- Not a chance.
- Okay.
[BELL DINGS.]
Just smile because it's my birthday.
I should get my way, right? [LAUGHS.]
ALL: We're gonna have a good day And all my homies gonna ride today - That's right.
ALL: And all these mommies look fly today Hey, we're gonna have a good day And ain't nobody gotta cry today Uh-uh.
Save that drama for another day Hey Whoo! ALL: We're gonna have a good day Good morning, good morning! Wow.
ALL: We're gonna have a good day Look at it.
Gorgeous! Boy, isn't that something? I'm sick of stopping every ten seconds to go pee.
In Thailand, they all ride around in these things called tuk-tuks, which is kinda like an Uber except without windows, seat belts, safety.
Ooh, pineapple.
Mmm! Oh! God dang, that scared me.
So this probably is not gonna end well, but it will end fun.
What do you think, guys, race? - [CLUCKING.]
- Let's go! Hey, wait a minute, guys.
You want some of this? - Come on, let's go! - Get on 'em, baby! [LAUGHING.]
Wait a minute! Guys, for gosh sakes! Catch em! Fasten your seat belt, boys, 'cause it is gonna be a bumpy ride.
Eat my dust, loser! [LAUGHING.]
We're missing the culture! - Whoo-hoo! - Stop it! Can you believe this? Look at Shatner.
You're driving me nuts.
I'm the one that's doing all the experiencing here.
What's wrong with him? There's no need for this, guys.
- [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Let's win! - Atta baby! - You head on down that road! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
What are we doing? [DOGS BARKING.]
We don't need an international incident, guys.
Kiss my ass! Stop it! Reasoning with Terry Bradshaw is like reasoning with a toddler.
You're all too old for this! [LAUGHS.]
And that's unfair to toddlers.
What a way to bring in my birthday! - [LAUGHING.]
- Uh-oh.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, what's going on here? - [CAR HORN HONKING.]
- What the - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - What's going on? BOTH: Whoa! Whoa! - What's - Hey! Hey! We round this corner, then all of a sudden we're just stopped dead in our tracks.
They're having water games.
I don't know what they're doing.
- What is everybody doing? - I don't know.
Why are you throwing water? - Whoa! Why? - What is this? What in the world? [ALL CHEERING.]
Oh! [HORN HONKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
We can't get through there, so of course we do what you're supposed to do.
We're competitive.
We jump out and we join in the game.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Oh, God, George.
Get out! - [BLEEP.]
- Whoa! [ICONA POP'S "I LOVE IT".]
- This way.
- What in the name I got this feeling on the summer day - Where we going? - Hey! I'm gonna put stuff on your face.
I don't care I love it I don't care This is great.
This is an opportunity for Terry to just clean the slate and become a new man.
I don't care I'm must not be oh! I don't care I don't care I love it Hey, bend over.
You need cleansing.
This is crazy! I don't care Don't drink the water.
Now you tell me.
Ahh! We haven't even gotten to the hotel yet.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
This is the first shower I've had in four days.
I love it Welcome to Thailand.
[LAUGHING.]
[TRIBAL MUSIC.]
- That was fun.
- Well, it was I'll tell ya.
All my sins are gone.
[SPEAKING IN THAI.]
welcome.
- Hello.
- Hi.
We're gonna check in the hotel now.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
Ohh! - Wow.
- Thailand! Thailand! I love Thailand.
That was some festival.
Wait a minute.
We're at the wrong hotel.
Ahh! [ROCK MUSIC.]
Hi, we'd like to put something on our bodies forever.
Ah! A little further over, you got my spleen.
[BOTH GROANING.]
[SCREAMS.]
- Okay.
- Whoo! - I got it! - Henry! [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
This week, Terry Bradshaw's celebrating his 67th year on planet Earth, so I wanted to make it really special.
This will be the best decision we ever made over a couple of drinks.
[TECHNO MUSIC.]
[GONG EFFECT.]
Bill, if you were gonna get a tattoo Yeah.
Would you get it in Thailand? No, I'd get it on my ass.
Oh.
Hi, we'd like to put something on our bodies forever.
Nervous.
I'm real nervous.
Can you tell? - Yep.
- But I got a real reason for doing this.
I'm going with this.
- All right.
- Alpha Omega.
- Okay.
- Beginning and the end, and in honor of my two girls.
I didn't know you'd get all "Bill Shatner" on me, - you know, with all - No.
I'm a little nervous.
I'm petrified of needles, and this is all needles, so my honest, simple question is, "Is it gonna hurt?" - Yeah, it will.
- Yeah? Well, that was comforting.
- That's it? - Yep.
Can I get a pain level from you? Like, one to ten? [LAUGHS.]
Yeah, about ten.
Terry's freaking out.
Hey, what is that stuff they give you in a dentist's office? Seriously, I'm having trouble breathing over here.
But in all seriousness, I haven't told anyone or Terry what I'm gonna get yet.
But I do know he's gonna be really flattered and it's gonna blow his mind.
[EXHALES.]
Golly.
Boy, I am so nervous.
Someone put a blood pressure monitor on me.
What are you, a thousand years old? Shut up! Loud-mouth 30-year-old.
I'm ready! Terry is 66 years old.
Why would he want to Don't ask.
George - Yes.
- Is sleeping.
- What's new? - What's new? [SNORING.]
What are we gonna do? We're going to do something special.
We're going to do something that's so cultural, so part of the country that we'll never ever forget it.
Can't wait.
[PEACEFUL MUSIC.]
[GROANS.]
Oh, right there.
- Oh.
- Ooh, yeah.
- Bill? - Yeah.
I never thought I would be getting a couples massage with you in Thailand.
Henry, I don't want you to take this too far.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
Wait.
Wait.
Okay.
Ow! You are bending me into a new zip code.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right! This is relaxing? Henry, go with it.
Get into the muscle.
Thailand is way more beautiful than I thought! Whoa! I feel good Ah! Hey! I knew that I would now Oh, yeah.
Felt something pop.
What was that? Oh, my God! So good - [GROANS.]
- [GROANS.]
So good - [GROANS.]
- Oh! Oh, oh.
Hold it just a second.
Ho.
B Oh! I feel nice - Henry? - Yes? - Help me.
- Man, that that that - Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- Okay? I'm seeing stars.
- Ahh.
- That that that I challenge you.
Make me scream.
- [CRACKING EFFECT.]
- Oh, yeah.
Terry, yours is done, right? - [SCOFFS.]
No.
- [LAUGHING.]
[IMITATING MONKEY.]
Pfft.
[BLEEP.]
, man.
I know that I can do no wrong [HUMMING.]
There's no such thing as Bigfoot.
Bigfoot Bigfoot's in commercials.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Well He's the beef jerky guy.
[LAUGHING.]
Ah.
Oy-yi-yi.
Oh, yeah.
Hey! I'm through! All right! First tattoo! - Let me see what you got.
- Boom.
- Get outta here! - T.
B.
- Get outta here! - Number 12.
I got the number 12 because it's my favorite quarterback, T.
B.
Four Super Bowls.
Tom Brady.
No, I'm just kidding.
It's Terry Bradshaw.
This is for you, buddy.
When Jeff put a 12 on his shoulder in honor of me, that was pretty touching.
That was a pretty special moment for me.
This is the best birthday.
I feel like a new man.
Can I have a tissue? - [LAUGHING.]
- I'm just kidding.
- My dude.
- Love it, man.
All right.
A little over.
A little Massages were great, right? Are you not happy now? I should've gotten a tattoo.
A little further over, you got my spleen.
- Hey! - [SCREAMS.]
[SCREAM CONTINUES.]
I gotta get up there.
Hit him! Oh! Oh! Hi there.
- Ha ha! - Yeah.
- Jeff - [LAUGHING.]
[GROOVY MUSIC.]
- Phuket? - Phuket.
- I will never - BOTH: Phuket.
I always wanted to come to Asia.
It is more than I thought.
- Amazing, isn't it? - It's just the culture.
Maybe we should've got three tuk-tuks.
Tuk-tucked in the middle here.
I'm happy to celebrate my birthday here in Phuket with my buddies.
I guess you could say this is my "tucket" list.
- Come on, guys.
- Where we headed? There it is.
That's what I'm talking about.
Terry, I've got the perfect birthday gift for you.
Have you ever fought Muay Thai, George? Never, never, never.
See, I don't believe in kicking.
Well, with your right hand, no wonder.
[LAUGHS.]
Boys, we are going in.
- [BELL DINGS.]
- [WOMEN CHEERING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Are you ready to rumble? Whoa! - Oh! - [SCREAMS.]
Whoa! Muay Thai, also known as "The art of eight limbs.
" The hands become a sword and knife.
The shins and the forearms act as armor.
The elbow is used as a hammer.
Oh! Legs and knees become the axe and staff.
Oh! The body grapples for an opening to take their enemy to the ground to kill.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Whoo! [CROWD CHEERING.]
That was the one! [ALL CHEERING.]
George Foreman! Whoo! [BELL DINGS.]
[ALL CHANTING "GEORGE".]
He's coming down! [ALL CHEERING.]
George! Go get 'em, big guy! Look at that.
Look how natural that looks.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Yes! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna do it.
I wouldn't if I were you.
You're not me.
- This is your chance.
- I gotta get up there.
We've had a lot of bad ideas on this trip.
- Uh-huh.
- This one is the worst, Bill.
Or the best.
I'm gotta try this.
I'm going up there.
[RHYTHMIC MUSIC.]
- That's it.
He's dead.
- Ding! Don't hurt yourself, Bill! This guy's fought dinosaurs.
Take it easy, Bill! We didn't get to say good-bye to this idiot.
This just dawned on me.
[LAUGHS.]
Thailand is where I said he'd be checking out.
- You called it.
- I know.
I'm afraid of dying.
He doesn't know this, but we picked the country we thought he would not make it out of alive.
I don't wanna be the first to go.
I think he's going down on Thailand.
- [ECHOING.]
- Thailand.
I just didn't know George would be the one murdering him.
- [LAUGHS.]
- I thought he was gonna die from natural diseases or something.
I know.
- Are you ready? - No.
No, no, no.
- Punch him in the pacemaker! - Oh! Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
Try and knock me out, George.
How hard can that be? Oh! Ah! - Jab, jab, jab! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Has Bill lost his mind? Okay, hold it.
Hold it.
Let's get the gloves.
Let's get the gloves.
- Oh! - What? You want to That's sissy, man.
Oh, my gosh.
Uh-oh! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Come on, George.
Come on.
Come on, George.
Mix 'em up! Come on! George! I knew George Foreman when he was a killer.
Come on, George! Now he's a mama's boy.
He loves his mama.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
[ROARING EFFECT.]
- Oh, my - Oh! Uh-oh.
This isn't good.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK EFFECT.]
[EERIE MUSIC.]
Bill! [SIREN WAILING.]
And down goes Shatner! Down goes Shatner! Bill! Bill.
Bill, can you hear me? [ECHOING.]
Oh, my God.
What happened? - He hit you in the face.
- Was it good? You went down like a sack of potatoes.
- Was it good? Was it good? - He was great.
Wow.
There.
It's right there.
- That's where the bruise is.
- Wow.
Bruise? It's bleeding, right? Yeah.
No, it's not bleeding, but it's turning purple.
Tell me again what happened.
And this one's for your ego.
You you kept you I hate to say I told you so.
Then don't, okay? - I won't.
- All right.
He started hitting me for real, like, "I don't like this, you know.
" [ALL LAUGHING.]
Let's go see the elephants.
He's giving me a signal.
I wanna ride.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ooh! Oh, my God.
Here come the monkeys.
There's 50 of 'em.
Oh! God, don't scare me.
[HONKY-TONK MUSIC.]
Here we are.
It's Terry's birthday.
- To our birthday boy.
- Yeah.
Can anybody sing "Birthday"? He has a really melodic voice.
Amazing Grace Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Oh, don't do that.
BOTH: How He sings gospel.
Oh, Henry, Henry The Fonz you do He sings western.
My first love story Doesn't matter where.
To watch the fish swim by So George and I, we're gonna give Terry a little taste of his own medicine.
Oh, my gosh.
- Want you to know, Terry - This is for you.
Awesome, man, song.
Just for me.
All right, here we go.
[PIANO INTRO TO ANDREW GOLD'S "THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND".]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
BOTH: Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Why? And if you threw a party Yeah! You'd see for yourself Go, George! Yeah! The biggest gift would be from us - Yeah.
- Do it! And the card attached would say Bring it to the house, boys! BOTH: Thank you for being a friend It's a really strange group of people.
- Thank you.
- I love you! - Thank you.
- I love you! - Thank you - Oh, my God.
- For being a friend - My old song.
Yeah! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Yeah, George, Henry! Awesome, baby! Awesome! Don't sing it again.
I gotta be honest with you.
Kinda nice to have this part of the trip be all about me.
This is nice, and for once, it's not about Bill, which, I'm sure, he won' sleep all night long pouting.
I, too, got you a little something.
I'll just give the code word here.
[BIRD CALLING.]
This is for you, T.
B.
Happy birthday.
My boy lollipop - [CROWD CHEERING.]
- Ah, geez.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, boy.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Hey, Bill.
[LAUGHING.]
That's funny! [LAUGHTER.]
- [CROWD CHEERING.]
- Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
You are my one desire Oh! [LAUGHTER.]
And me, do I need you? I need you so I'll never let you go [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Tonight, America, on my 67th birthday, I ended up kissing a guy.
[ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING.]
And I liked it [LAUGHING.]
I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry ChapStick Who cares? I'm still smiling.
[LAUGHS.]
It felt so wrong It felt so right I'll remember this birthday for the rest of my life.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Let's win! Let's win! We're being crazy and goofy and silly.
Whoa! I liked it So much fun to be like that.
'Cause life, to me, is not getting older Too good to Oh! [GROANS.]
[SCREAMS.]
Ain't no big deal But feeling younger.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
And I definitely feel younger, especially after this trip.
Look at this.
You got a whole birthday cake.
Well, we had a great party.
- Yep.
- I think that Terry now is older and wiser.
You know, I love Terry the way he is.
Yeah, so do I.
[ALL CHEERING.]
Whoa! [ALL CHEERING.]
Happy birthday, baby! [SNORING.]
[ALARM SOUNDS.]
[GROANS.]
Next stop, Chiang Mai! Well, this is the last leg on our trip.
BOTH: Chiang Mai We're all in good spirits.
You know why? None of us kicked the bucket.
Hi! Was that the pilot? Yes, it's on automatic and they don't worry about things like that in Thailand.
Like landing? - [LAUGHING.]
- BOTH: Chiang Mai Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank Great job.
Pray for 'em.
They're all on their last leg.
Thank you.
[UPBEAT BLUES MUSIC.]
- Hey, Bill.
- Yeah.
What does Chiang Mai mean? Chiang Mai means "Land of a Thousand Suns.
" Are you making it up, or you telling me I do not make things up.
Of course I'm making it up.
I don't want people to know I know nothing.
I've been making things up this whole trip.
Hi, there! We're from America.
God bless you.
We're in Chiang Mai! Chiang Mai! Chiang Mai Hello! Okay, not all at once.
We finally made it to Chiang Mai, the last stop on this trip.
I know.
- Where's Jeff gonna put us? - I don't know.
Yeah, you're worried.
Concerned, I think, is the word.
Yeah.
Okay.
Holy cow! Look at this place! This is magnificent.
Imagine how good the breakfast buffet is gonna be.
Welcome to Chiang Mai.
We're here.
Cue the slow-mo entrance.
Let's show 'em why they call me Mr.
Worldwide Why you think they call me Mr.
Worldwide? [PLAYING FLUTE.]
Let's show 'em why they call me Mr.
Worldwide Why you think they call me Mr.
Worldwide? Wow.
It's beyond "wow.
" Hold up I love this place.
It's authentic, it's beautiful, the architecture, the grounds.
Gorgeous.
Only thing missing is a big ol' 60-inch high-def TV with every sports channel in the world.
It's very moving.
Yeah, for some more than others.
Terry, even the bathrooms are nice! God.
- To the left.
To the left! - To the where? [ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE.]
That is incredible.
His eyes are wide open.
Listen, I can only do so much.
You've gotta also moisturize.
- [YELLING.]
- Please, please! [CAR HORN HONKING.]
You gotta be kidding me.
- It's not working.
- Are you kidding me? [MOODY HIP-HOP MUSIC.]
- BOTH: [INDISTINCT.]
- Good afternoon, everybody.
Nice to see you.
Welcome to The Royal Villa.
BOTH: We're your butlers.
- We got butlers.
- You do.
- Serious? - Yes, sir.
Whatever we want, we just hit a bell.
[HALL AND OATES' "YOU MAKE MY DREAMS (COME TRUE)".]
Of course.
Allow me to show you around.
I have a request actually.
- Of course, of course.
- Thank you so much.
- What I want you've got - Whoo-hee! - Beautiful.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Okay.
The candle feeds the flame I wanna move into this place.
This is awesome! Right.
Right, right.
Right, right, right, right, right, right.
Hey, sweetheart.
T.
B.
here.
There you go.
Your husband.
Get the dogs, we're moving to Thailand.
This place is awesome.
Wait till you see this.
To the left.
To the left! [ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE.]
Ooh, ooh Jeff! Jeff.
- Yeah? - He's close.
He's close, real close.
Yeah, he's right here.
[ANIMAL GRUNTS.]
There's a man with him.
I was talking about the man.
One of the chefs gives a cooking class, and I signed us up.
You make my dreams come true Ooh, ooh you, you That is the hottest pepper in Thailand? - Right.
- Taste it.
No, no, no.
Don't eat it now.
- Don't try.
- Look.
Look.
Ow! That's hot.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- That's hot.
- I just said, "Don't eat it.
" - I thought you were joking.
- No, I'm not joking.
- [SINGING IN THAI.]
- [SINGING IN THAI.]
[BOTH SINGING IN THAI.]
- [COUGHING.]
- Okay, so [BOTH LAUGHING.]
You make my dream come true I could've been a contender.
Here you go.
- What did you make? - We made a curry chicken.
And this is bass.
Come on.
- That is so good, I can't- - All right, see? It's good.
Now I'd like more.
- Can I give you more? - Yes, please.
Oh, but you don't want the pepper, right? Oh, no! Do not go near that.
This is the hottest pepper - [LAUGHING.]
- In Thailand.
Yeah, go ahead, Bill.
This is the one? That's the one.
[EXHALES.]
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Ahh.
- Whoo! Whoo! The Fonz would say - Whoa.
- Whoa.
[LAUGHTER.]
Where are we going? - I want to see an elephant.
- Me too, baby, me too.
I love elephants.
- I was down in the library.
- Yeah.
I did research on this.
It's the adventure of the trip.
- This is the jungle, gentlemen.
- I love the jungle.
This is where the amoeba are that swim up your penis, and they have to go in with little baskets - Ugh.
- To scrape them out.
Hey, I'll try anything once.
Let's do this.
The only thing good about that is how long it takes to get them out.
[LAUGHING.]
Or in my case, how long it takes them to get up.
I never thought I'd hear so much about your guys' penises.
There's a bend in the river coming up, so I suggest we follow it, okay? Actually, there's no choice, right? So here we are on the big Taeng River, and this river is part of the history of the country.
And that's what WE'RE HERE FOR: the history.
Thank you very much.
That was so beautiful.
Oh, my goodness.
Hello, elephants.
- Look at this.
- Hello.
First that you need do, get to know the names of the animals.
- Okay.
- Her name is Natalie.
ALL: Natalie.
- Oh, I know a Natalie.
She's 15 years old.
- Hello, I'm George- - I'm gonna say hello.
- And I'm so glad to meet you.
- What is your name? - Sugar Cane.
- Sugar Cane.
I'm Henry.
Hi! I cannot believe I'm standing in front of one of these things.
- How cool is that? - Hello, Natalie.
Hello.
Elephants have one of the highest intelligences that we know.
They may even be superior in many ways to human beings.
[LAUGHING.]
They've got all this ability to communicate both locally and thousands of miles.
Why would they have that unless they were saying things that were meaningful? He's giving me a signal in shaking.
He's vibrating.
We don't understand elephants yet.
What a marvelous place to investigate.
You're big.
Man, you're really big.
- Me! - We can ride? I wanna ride.
The one thing that I really wanted to do on this trip was to be up close to an elephant.
- [SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE.]
- Yeah.
- Grab the ear.
- Hold that.
- Yeah.
- And then kick the legs.
- Kick the leg.
- Kick the legs.
- He gives you a shelf.
- Yes, give you a shelf.
And then, step there.
Okay, up.
Up.
Okay.
Wah, wah! I am king of the jungle! Ha-ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoo! I've never felt like this before.
This is incredible.
- Terry, you can get up.
- No.
I'm sure you can.
This is so wonderful.
Now that motion was really good.
His eyes are wide open.
Fantastic! Drawing flowers! That is beautiful, Sugar Cane.
I think we all knew how incredible this experience was that was given to us, like, this gift.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Oh, we got a breakthrough.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, baby.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
- Nice job, Terry! - Oh, my goodness! [WHISPERING.]
Bill.
- [WHISPERING.]
Yeah.
- [WHISPERING.]
Terry.
[WHISPERING.]
My God.
Hello, everyone.
Listen, I can only do so much.
You've gotta also moisturize.
- Can you imagine you touching - No.
- An elephant? - This is beyond anything I've ever experienced.
This is, for me, the moment I'm almost - That's it.
- Yeah.
I really felt a connection with him.
It was amazing, wasn't it? This is an awesome trip and I definitely don't want it to end.
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[SQUEALING.]
You want me to go away? Look.
I'm moving away.
- Look at that.
- There you go.
That's your souvenir? So that's what you're gonna do in a lonely hotel room.
- No, this is for - [LAUGHING.]
[UPBEAT STRING MUSIC.]
Okay, guys, next stop, the Long Neck Tribe.
One more adventure, boys.
I've read about these ladies with the with the rings - Yeah.
- Around their neck.
I think it's right around the bend here.
Oh, my gosh.
It's a little village.
Look at how amazing this is.
[COOING.]
Hi.
Hello.
This is something else.
[CREAKING.]
Oh, my gosh.
Beautiful.
This is like "National Geographic.
" - Yeah.
Truly.
- Uh - Yeah.
- The first time I ever saw a picture was in National Geographic.
- I'm telling you, as kids - And here we are.
Not only were you looking for long necks; you were looking for them without their shirt on.
Did you do that? You're looking at me blankly.
[STRING FLOURISH.]
- Wow.
- Does it does it hurt? - No.
No.
- No? - BOTH: Heavy.
- Can you take it off? - No.
- No.
- You know why they wear 'em? - No.
- For beauty.
- Yes, I can see that.
It's also for protection from either a tiger bite or bad spirits' bites.
- Of course you would know that.
- Of course.
This little, tiny house is every bit as big as my grandmother's house, which was just a tiny, tiny kitchen with a wood stove.
- Where? Where? Where? - In Sparta, Tennessee.
Right now? You're saying this house right here.
- Just I'm not exa - I understand.
- It was just that small.
- Did you go to it? - I understand.
- Oh, yeah.
And they had a creek like this that my dad damned up himself and used for a swimming hole.
This just this is pretty amazing.
What am I doing? I'm acting like Bill Shatner now.
God forbid I do that.
That's cr Sorry.
Sorry.
Hey, guys, look.
Got a guitar.
Oh, no.
Grand Ole Opry here! It looks like I've stumbled up on a tribal jam session.
- [SINGING IN NATIVE LANGUAGE.]
- Whoa.
[GENTLE ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
Look at that.
That's homemade.
- Wonderful.
- Okay.
That was great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You, um Don't mind if I do.
I was walking in the village One night with my friends I walked across some women Wearing a big ol' happy grin Listening to Terry sing for five weeks, I wish we could put a couple of rings around his neck.
Now let's all do harmony.
[OFF-KEY GUITAR MUSIC.]
Please, Lord, make it stop.
- Hoo - I told you [THUNDER CRASHING.]
[CHILDREN SCREAMING, ROOSTER CROWING.]
Oh, my God! Okay.
Okay.
Now we're in a, uh - Wow, look at this rain.
- Now it's a little heavy.
Sweet Jesus.
[THUNDER RUMBLING.]
This is something else.
- [BRIGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC.]
- Whoop.
She likes it.
I've done a lot of things in my life, but this trip - [LAUGHING.]
- You've destroyed my weapon.
Has put everything in perspective.
[WOMEN VOCALIZING.]
[SQUEALS.]
[LAUGHING.]
Whoa.
I never dreamed of seeing anything like this.
Whoa! Right through the legs! It is invigorating 'cause you're seeing people live life to its fullest without asking for an awful lot other than a good family, their health.
People have millions of dollars and are never satisfied or happy.
These people are.
[SQUEALING.]
You want me to go away? Look.
I'm moving away.
- Look at that.
- There you go.
[WOMEN VOCALIZING.]
- Ooh.
- [BABBLING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- Wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Uh-oh.
- [LAUGHING.]
He's picking up sticks now.
I quit.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I was a little reluctant to leave the hotel.
But this village I really wouldn't want to be anywhere but right here right now.
Definitely made this trip worthwhile.
Bye-bye.
Wow! I want to know more about what Bill feels instead of about what Bill knows.
How do you feel? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[LAUGHING.]
[ROCK MUSIC.]
["BANG BANG" PLAYING.]
Well, we survived, uh, four countries, six cities, and, I think we all agree, around 25,000 stories from Bill.
At least.
- Bang bang into the room - I know you want it - Bang bang all over you - I'll let you have it Here we are at the last dinner.
Yes.
The lana dinner.
I've never seen anything like this in my life.
Wow.
- Holy cow.
- I'm speechless.
I don't believe it.
I want you to know I've never been so happy in my life that I'm sitting at this table after what we did together.
I never spend time with people.
- I'm a loner.
- Yeah? But that was the best part of it, was spending time with each of you.
Walking up those stairs.
- To Mount Fuji? - Mount Fuji.
I'd run out of energy.
I hadn't done that kinda exercise in years.
Show me the mountain! And I wanted to stop, but Henry came up and just lifted me and I got all my strength back.
I made it! I made it! - And look at that.
- That is gorgeous.
This trip made me about as strong as I've ever been in my life.
["SWEET DISPOSITION" PLAYING.]
I really learned that I can do anything.
The day you retire is the day you start dying.
- That is true.
I believe that.
- Don't ever retire.
And Mr.
Shatner, he's living proof that load the docks, baby.
Load the wagons and keep it going.
Kinda came into this thing mentally kicking and screaming.
Oh! I'm not eating that [BLEEP.]
.
- You're being a child.
- Yeah, baby! But this trip really did change my life.
Welcome to Kyoto, boys! And for all of you right now that are sitting back and you're eating potato chips Oh, God, would I have loved potato chips on this trip! I encourage you, get up and explore the world.
Hello, everyone.
Ahh! It will change you.
And Shatner's right, change is good.
But don't tell him that.
I'll say one thing.
I wanna know more about what Bill feels instead of about what Bill knows.
- Nobody asked me.
- How do you feel? - [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [LAUGHING.]
In my somewhat longer life than yours, I have never and would never have experienced what we have done together.
Hah! Oh! Five weeks, living with somebody 24 hours a day Why do I think of peaches? [LAUGHS.]
Will either make you or break you.
This made it for me, in terms of friends.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
I look forward to sitting at another table, wherever it may be, with the four of you.
- Hear, hear! - Good toast.
Surrender Cheers.
Here's to the big time.
["CECILIA AND THE SATELLITE" PLAYING.]
All right, I'm lighting mine.
One of things they do in Thailand, when you're at the end of your journey, you make a wish, you write it down, you put it in the lantern and the lantern takes it into the heavens.
Hey, guys, we got ours lit.
How you doing? The paper is too close to the flame.
How's that? We also sent one floating down a river.
Remember that? What happens when it catches on fire? Oh, my God! - Whose is that? - That's yours.
Look at it burning up.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Poor Bill.
Okay, let it go.
See what happens.
Best wishes.
Oh, they're all around us.
- Look at this.
- Magic.
How wonderful is this night.
Well, we did it.
Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh - [THUDDING.]
- Oh! [BLEEP.]
The five of us came on this journey to learn about a culture we didn't understand.
Oh, my God! - Oh! Oh! - [YELLS.]
What we didn't expect was that we would learn about ourselves and each other.
- If I could fly - Whoa! - Than I would know - This is style, man.
[LAUGHTER.]
What life looks like from up above And down below We started off in Los Angeles as friends, and we're going back to our home as family.
- I'm the satellite - Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh And you're the sky Look how beautiful this is.
What is the reason we did this? - To make a wish.
- The wish is for more and greater adventures.
- Put it right here.
- Right there.
- Right there.
- Right there.
One, two, three! [ALL YELL.]
Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh Well, a lot of wishes out there.
Look! It's catching on fire! Oh, my God! Kidding.
[LAUGHING.]
And you're the sky