Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
Escape from an Ambulance
[Guitar playing out of tune.]
Hey what What the Now it's in tune.
We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Hey! We're not gonna take it Take my picture! No, we ain't gonna take it - * we're not gonna take it * - Oh, my God! Anymore Hit me! - * We're not gonna take it * - Come back here! - * No, we ain't gonna take it * - Say "big boobs.
" We're not gonna take it anymore Aaaaaah! Oh! [Gasps.]
Okay, team.
We've got a full day of pranking ahead of us.
Everyone have their disguises? Whoa.
Hold on.
Betty, you have such a sweet, loving face.
Nobody would call the cops on you.
Plus, I get away with a whole lot more when I'm a white lady.
[Chuckles.]
Me too.
[Rock music plays.]
Do you have an aspirin? I have a bit of a headache.
- Hey, get back here! - Oh, I got to go! I got to go! I know where you live! Hey, Jimmy, we got a runner.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Sorry for the gloves.
I'm dealing with a nightmare thing in the toilet back there.
I'll be back in a minute.
Thanks.
Man: [Chuckles.]
We should probably swap these out just to be on the safe side.
Okay.
You didn't drink out of it did you? Okay.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Did you drink any? - I did! - Oh, no.
[Toilet flushes.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Gonna tell everyone about it whoo-hoo-hoo [Chuckles softly.]
[Cellphone rings.]
Oh.
Hey, girl.
How you doing? Girl, I went to this party last night.
Hoo it was off the chain.
Oh, yeah.
There were all these young guys there.
You know the kind I like.
[Chuckles.]
Girl, what they lack in experience, they make up in stamina.
[Chuckles.]
I drank the punch, and it must have been spiked, 'cause the next thing I know I am upstairs in the bedroom with this young guy.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, well, then the next thing you know, I am doing him right there in the hot tub.
Mm-hmm.
Let's just say he was gifted, all right? [Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, but now I'm hung over, girl.
I got this headache.
And let me call you back.
I think I'm feeling a little sick.
Okay, bye-bye.
[Surf music plays.]
She said she was doing him.
[Chuckles.]
Crazy And she said, "what they lack in experience they make up in stamina.
" [Chuckles.]
Crazy I used to be crazy Where did you get that melon? Oh, it's a spaghetti squash.
- Oh, it's a spaghetti squash? - Yeah.
Oh, I don't like that.
Oh.
I'm just try [Chuckles.]
No.
Uh, you you eat these? - Macadamia nuts? - Yeah.
- I love 'em.
- You do? - Yeah.
- I don't like that.
- Oh.
- Brussels sprouts.
- Brussels sprouts.
- See, I'm being healthy.
I'll take these.
Thanks.
Ahh Some viewers have said that our pranks can be a little dangerous.
I want you all to know we test everything for safety.
Here you go, Betty.
Oh, thank you, Michael.
Aaaah! Now, you see, that's not safe.
So we won't use that one.
[Groans.]
[Slow-tempo music plays.]
Watch yourself, okay? Okay.
Yes! Yes! Ha! [Chuckles.]
That was the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Man, he just really did not like those mugs.
Oh.
Hope you're enjoying the show.
I'm just sitting here, enjoying my view.
[Sighs.]
Betty, I'm gonna get going now.
Oh, thank you, Sergio.
You've done a great job.
It's always my pleasure.
You know that.
Come back tomorrow? Maybe you can actually clean the pool.
[Chuckles.]
Ahh.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Whoa! Listen, I want to talk to you for one second.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
-You're not a pervert? - Are you? Not exactly, but I just wanted to tell you do not tell anybody I'm not wearing anything under this trenchcoat.
Okay? - It's our secret.
- Thanks.
Okay.
Bye.
She's got a-a bad habit, a bad, bad habit she's always got something to say got a-a bad habit, a bad, bad habit, okay? Hi.
How are you? Where do you get that? Um from the cereal aisle.
Really? Well, I'll just take this.
- Oh, and oh, I like these beans, too.
- Excuse me? No, no, no, no.
I'm sharing.
What? Say, say, say what you say you can't change what you can't hear try not to believe all of the crazy things that you see You're too slow.
What takes you so long? Can't you hurry? [Car alarm blares.]
You're too slow.
- Woman: Let's go.
- You're too slow.
Come on! Yeah, I see, I see but I don't believe something has changed this ain't the way it used to be yeah, I see, I see but I don't believe something has changed this ain't the way it used to be ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh [Laughter.]
We gotcha.
Gotcha! [Sighs.]
[Farting sounds.]
[Farting sounds continue.]
That is gross.
What? Oh, hey, thanks for covering for me.
[Farting sounds.]
Ooh! Excuse me? I forgot my glasses.
Can you read this text? It says, "where are you?" Do do you know how to text? - Do I know how to text? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Can you say, "I'm in Long Beach"? - That's it? Just "in Long Beach"? - Yeah.
There you go.
Thank you.
No problem.
[Chuckles.]
Good luck.
Yeah.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Oh, wait.
She just sent me something.
Can you read that? What does it say? It says, "I'm at home naked.
" - Woman: Is that what it says? - Yes.
I guess I'd better go.
Oh, my gosh.
[Surf music plays.]
[Coins jingling, bell ringing.]
Okay, Lou.
Here we go.
Huh? All right.
- All right.
- There you go.
All right.
I'll see you in a little bit.
- Have a great day.
- All right.
[Coins jingling, bell ringing.]
I've been told you're mine for sure but all I've seen so far is your bedroom door still sleeping on your couch still sleeping on your couch "4-letter word.
" "4-letter word for something you'd see waving from a pole"? Flag.
Or is it "slut"? I I mean, both both work.
See what I mean about keeping your brain sharp? Uh s-l-u-t.
Ahh.
[Surf music plays.]
Hey, man.
Look at that.
Geez, what are you drinking there? - What is that? - Pepsi.
Jesus, thanks.
I love that.
Appreciate it.
What? I feel funny every time you come around ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh Excuse me? Can I ask you something? My grand-niece is getting married, and it's semi-formal.
Am I dressed okay for that? - Oh, I think so.
- Really? - Definitely.
- Yeah.
Do most young people today - have sex before they get married? - Most.
- Yeah.
- They do? Well, these kids have never lived together, they've never been together.
I think that's awful.
You know, I wouldn't buy a cow unless I tasted the milk.
Would you? [Both laugh.]
I used to go with this guy who said, "it's not the size of the boat.
It's the motion of the ocean.
" [Both chuckle.]
I think that's bull[Bleep.]
.
I mean, what if the boat is a dingy, or, on the other hand, what if it's the size of the Titanic? I wouldn't want that smashing into my iceberg, you know? [Both laugh.]
Bless his heart, when my husband was living, he was a pink submarine.
Let me ask you something.
What is he working with? [Laughs.]
He's good.
I think I'm doing all right.
[Chuckles.]
Run, run, run He is the world's best computer hacker.
Sitting on the boulevard, they call him, "The Boulevard," but he is Ramon, the world's greatest hacker.
You've never seen anything like it.
He's broken the code of everything.
He's the man that we need.
He is the man that's going to save the world.
Ramon, the greatest hacker ever, starring the guy in the white shirt, the red hat, and the glasses.
In theaters near you, this fall.
Ramon, the world's best computer hacker.
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Slow-tempo music plays.]
[Sighs.]
How are you? - Hello.
- Hi.
Do you live in Los Angeles? No, I stay in La Puente.
- La Puente? - Yeah.
That's where I live.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
There are some good restaurants there.
- Yes, a lot.
- Right.
What's your favorite kind of food? Just curious.
I like Thai food and Sushi.
Me too.
[Chuckles.]
- Thai and Sushi.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
- Thai first, Sushi second.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Wow.
What's your name, by the way? Jaharra.
- Jaharra? - Yeah.
I have an aunt named Jaharra.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
My name's Richard.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
It's amazing, you know, to run into somebody you have so much in common.
- Yeah.
- I know.
- That's rare.
- I know.
At my age [Sighs.]
, I don't have a lot of time to, you know, mess around.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
So I was just wondering.
I would consider myself the luckiest man in the world if you would be my wife.
You know, I could feel the connection right away.
[Chuckles.]
No, I understand.
I understand.
You need a little time to think about it.
It's okay.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
You think about it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Scooter whirring.]
[Snoring.]
[Whirring stops.]
Huh? You okay? Oh! Gah! - [Stammers.]
I ju - You all right? I [Chuckles.]
, guess I fell asleep at the wheel.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Gee, hey.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- Okay.
No worries, brother.
Thank you.
[Scooter whirring.]
[Snoring.]
Oh, eh Oh, hey.
Yeah, let's take the keys out and just hold it for a while, 'cause I don't want you going in the street.
You want to go park in the shade? I'll put it in the shade, yeah.
Yeah, let's go over here.
Have a beautiful weekend.
[Snoring.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[New age music plays.]
You're not supposed to talk when you're deep in yoga, but I just have to tell you how much I'm enjoying making fun of the younger generation.
Master, what do I get out of this position? A whole lot of dates.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah That'll teach him.
Ba ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba boo Fellas! She's got a really hot date tonight.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It's her third one.
- So you know she's gonna get some - Okay.
Anyway, you're the guy's age.
And which one should she wear? Oh, baby.
What what do you think? - This is tough.
- Well What would you like better? [Chuckles.]
Personally, uh I'd go with the, uh, black.
The black? It's definitely the black.
So, uh, you think this will guarantee that I'll get lucky? [Chuckles.]
You think? You think? Uh, well, I hope.
I hope.
[Chuckles.]
- Okay.
- Good luck.
- Thank you! - Thank you.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Is that you, Richie? - Oh, my God, Nick! - Richie! I haven't seen you in 20 years.
- Oh, my God, Nick! - How you doing? How you been, Nick? Boom! Bang! Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh! You're buying.
- Let's get a beer.
Come on.
- Right down here, right down here.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, come on.
Damn, it's been years.
[Laughter.]
That's so sweet.
[Surf music plays.]
- Good afternoon.
How are you? - Hello.
Oh, you know, we'd like to invite you to a fun mixer tonight if you'd like to come.
You just need to be there before midnight, because that's when we have the wet T-shirt contest.
[Chuckles.]
Okay? Well, we look forward to seeing you there tonight, okay? Okay? Thank you.
Good dog.
See you later.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Ratcheting, drill whirring.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, hi, there.
Looks like we're just about done watching our show.
And the ladies and I are just about done with our home-improvement project.
[Chuckles.]
You said you wanted my help with the project.
Oh, there it is.
Now, come on.
Go on up there and get get busy.
All right, ladies.
Make it rain.
[All chuckling.]
Oh.
Show's over, but the party's just beginning here.
See you next time.
We're not gonna take it [Laughs.]
No, we ain't
Hey what What the Now it's in tune.
We're not gonna take it no, we ain't gonna take it we're not gonna take it anymore Hey! We're not gonna take it Take my picture! No, we ain't gonna take it - * we're not gonna take it * - Oh, my God! Anymore Hit me! - * We're not gonna take it * - Come back here! - * No, we ain't gonna take it * - Say "big boobs.
" We're not gonna take it anymore Aaaaaah! Oh! [Gasps.]
Okay, team.
We've got a full day of pranking ahead of us.
Everyone have their disguises? Whoa.
Hold on.
Betty, you have such a sweet, loving face.
Nobody would call the cops on you.
Plus, I get away with a whole lot more when I'm a white lady.
[Chuckles.]
Me too.
[Rock music plays.]
Do you have an aspirin? I have a bit of a headache.
- Hey, get back here! - Oh, I got to go! I got to go! I know where you live! Hey, Jimmy, we got a runner.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Sorry for the gloves.
I'm dealing with a nightmare thing in the toilet back there.
I'll be back in a minute.
Thanks.
Man: [Chuckles.]
We should probably swap these out just to be on the safe side.
Okay.
You didn't drink out of it did you? Okay.
[Chuckles.]
[Chuckles.]
Did you drink any? - I did! - Oh, no.
[Toilet flushes.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Gonna tell everyone about it whoo-hoo-hoo [Chuckles softly.]
[Cellphone rings.]
Oh.
Hey, girl.
How you doing? Girl, I went to this party last night.
Hoo it was off the chain.
Oh, yeah.
There were all these young guys there.
You know the kind I like.
[Chuckles.]
Girl, what they lack in experience, they make up in stamina.
[Chuckles.]
I drank the punch, and it must have been spiked, 'cause the next thing I know I am upstairs in the bedroom with this young guy.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, well, then the next thing you know, I am doing him right there in the hot tub.
Mm-hmm.
Let's just say he was gifted, all right? [Chuckles.]
Oh, yeah, but now I'm hung over, girl.
I got this headache.
And let me call you back.
I think I'm feeling a little sick.
Okay, bye-bye.
[Surf music plays.]
She said she was doing him.
[Chuckles.]
Crazy And she said, "what they lack in experience they make up in stamina.
" [Chuckles.]
Crazy I used to be crazy Where did you get that melon? Oh, it's a spaghetti squash.
- Oh, it's a spaghetti squash? - Yeah.
Oh, I don't like that.
Oh.
I'm just try [Chuckles.]
No.
Uh, you you eat these? - Macadamia nuts? - Yeah.
- I love 'em.
- You do? - Yeah.
- I don't like that.
- Oh.
- Brussels sprouts.
- Brussels sprouts.
- See, I'm being healthy.
I'll take these.
Thanks.
Ahh Some viewers have said that our pranks can be a little dangerous.
I want you all to know we test everything for safety.
Here you go, Betty.
Oh, thank you, Michael.
Aaaah! Now, you see, that's not safe.
So we won't use that one.
[Groans.]
[Slow-tempo music plays.]
Watch yourself, okay? Okay.
Yes! Yes! Ha! [Chuckles.]
That was the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Man, he just really did not like those mugs.
Oh.
Hope you're enjoying the show.
I'm just sitting here, enjoying my view.
[Sighs.]
Betty, I'm gonna get going now.
Oh, thank you, Sergio.
You've done a great job.
It's always my pleasure.
You know that.
Come back tomorrow? Maybe you can actually clean the pool.
[Chuckles.]
Ahh.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Whoa! Listen, I want to talk to you for one second.
- Are you okay? - I'm fine.
-You're not a pervert? - Are you? Not exactly, but I just wanted to tell you do not tell anybody I'm not wearing anything under this trenchcoat.
Okay? - It's our secret.
- Thanks.
Okay.
Bye.
She's got a-a bad habit, a bad, bad habit she's always got something to say got a-a bad habit, a bad, bad habit, okay? Hi.
How are you? Where do you get that? Um from the cereal aisle.
Really? Well, I'll just take this.
- Oh, and oh, I like these beans, too.
- Excuse me? No, no, no, no.
I'm sharing.
What? Say, say, say what you say you can't change what you can't hear try not to believe all of the crazy things that you see You're too slow.
What takes you so long? Can't you hurry? [Car alarm blares.]
You're too slow.
- Woman: Let's go.
- You're too slow.
Come on! Yeah, I see, I see but I don't believe something has changed this ain't the way it used to be yeah, I see, I see but I don't believe something has changed this ain't the way it used to be ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh [Laughter.]
We gotcha.
Gotcha! [Sighs.]
[Farting sounds.]
[Farting sounds continue.]
That is gross.
What? Oh, hey, thanks for covering for me.
[Farting sounds.]
Ooh! Excuse me? I forgot my glasses.
Can you read this text? It says, "where are you?" Do do you know how to text? - Do I know how to text? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Can you say, "I'm in Long Beach"? - That's it? Just "in Long Beach"? - Yeah.
There you go.
Thank you.
No problem.
[Chuckles.]
Good luck.
Yeah.
[Cellphone beeps.]
Oh, wait.
She just sent me something.
Can you read that? What does it say? It says, "I'm at home naked.
" - Woman: Is that what it says? - Yes.
I guess I'd better go.
Oh, my gosh.
[Surf music plays.]
[Coins jingling, bell ringing.]
Okay, Lou.
Here we go.
Huh? All right.
- All right.
- There you go.
All right.
I'll see you in a little bit.
- Have a great day.
- All right.
[Coins jingling, bell ringing.]
I've been told you're mine for sure but all I've seen so far is your bedroom door still sleeping on your couch still sleeping on your couch "4-letter word.
" "4-letter word for something you'd see waving from a pole"? Flag.
Or is it "slut"? I I mean, both both work.
See what I mean about keeping your brain sharp? Uh s-l-u-t.
Ahh.
[Surf music plays.]
Hey, man.
Look at that.
Geez, what are you drinking there? - What is that? - Pepsi.
Jesus, thanks.
I love that.
Appreciate it.
What? I feel funny every time you come around ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh Excuse me? Can I ask you something? My grand-niece is getting married, and it's semi-formal.
Am I dressed okay for that? - Oh, I think so.
- Really? - Definitely.
- Yeah.
Do most young people today - have sex before they get married? - Most.
- Yeah.
- They do? Well, these kids have never lived together, they've never been together.
I think that's awful.
You know, I wouldn't buy a cow unless I tasted the milk.
Would you? [Both laugh.]
I used to go with this guy who said, "it's not the size of the boat.
It's the motion of the ocean.
" [Both chuckle.]
I think that's bull[Bleep.]
.
I mean, what if the boat is a dingy, or, on the other hand, what if it's the size of the Titanic? I wouldn't want that smashing into my iceberg, you know? [Both laugh.]
Bless his heart, when my husband was living, he was a pink submarine.
Let me ask you something.
What is he working with? [Laughs.]
He's good.
I think I'm doing all right.
[Chuckles.]
Run, run, run He is the world's best computer hacker.
Sitting on the boulevard, they call him, "The Boulevard," but he is Ramon, the world's greatest hacker.
You've never seen anything like it.
He's broken the code of everything.
He's the man that we need.
He is the man that's going to save the world.
Ramon, the greatest hacker ever, starring the guy in the white shirt, the red hat, and the glasses.
In theaters near you, this fall.
Ramon, the world's best computer hacker.
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Slow-tempo music plays.]
[Sighs.]
How are you? - Hello.
- Hi.
Do you live in Los Angeles? No, I stay in La Puente.
- La Puente? - Yeah.
That's where I live.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
There are some good restaurants there.
- Yes, a lot.
- Right.
What's your favorite kind of food? Just curious.
I like Thai food and Sushi.
Me too.
[Chuckles.]
- Thai and Sushi.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
- Thai first, Sushi second.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Wow.
What's your name, by the way? Jaharra.
- Jaharra? - Yeah.
I have an aunt named Jaharra.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
My name's Richard.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello.
It's amazing, you know, to run into somebody you have so much in common.
- Yeah.
- I know.
- That's rare.
- I know.
At my age [Sighs.]
, I don't have a lot of time to, you know, mess around.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
So I was just wondering.
I would consider myself the luckiest man in the world if you would be my wife.
You know, I could feel the connection right away.
[Chuckles.]
No, I understand.
I understand.
You need a little time to think about it.
It's okay.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
You think about it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
[Scooter whirring.]
[Snoring.]
[Whirring stops.]
Huh? You okay? Oh! Gah! - [Stammers.]
I ju - You all right? I [Chuckles.]
, guess I fell asleep at the wheel.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Gee, hey.
- Oh, thanks, man.
- Okay.
No worries, brother.
Thank you.
[Scooter whirring.]
[Snoring.]
Oh, eh Oh, hey.
Yeah, let's take the keys out and just hold it for a while, 'cause I don't want you going in the street.
You want to go park in the shade? I'll put it in the shade, yeah.
Yeah, let's go over here.
Have a beautiful weekend.
[Snoring.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[New age music plays.]
You're not supposed to talk when you're deep in yoga, but I just have to tell you how much I'm enjoying making fun of the younger generation.
Master, what do I get out of this position? A whole lot of dates.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah That'll teach him.
Ba ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba ba ba-ba-ba-ba ba ba boo Fellas! She's got a really hot date tonight.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
It's her third one.
- So you know she's gonna get some - Okay.
Anyway, you're the guy's age.
And which one should she wear? Oh, baby.
What what do you think? - This is tough.
- Well What would you like better? [Chuckles.]
Personally, uh I'd go with the, uh, black.
The black? It's definitely the black.
So, uh, you think this will guarantee that I'll get lucky? [Chuckles.]
You think? You think? Uh, well, I hope.
I hope.
[Chuckles.]
- Okay.
- Good luck.
- Thank you! - Thank you.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
Is that you, Richie? - Oh, my God, Nick! - Richie! I haven't seen you in 20 years.
- Oh, my God, Nick! - How you doing? How you been, Nick? Boom! Bang! Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh! You're buying.
- Let's get a beer.
Come on.
- Right down here, right down here.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, come on.
Damn, it's been years.
[Laughter.]
That's so sweet.
[Surf music plays.]
- Good afternoon.
How are you? - Hello.
Oh, you know, we'd like to invite you to a fun mixer tonight if you'd like to come.
You just need to be there before midnight, because that's when we have the wet T-shirt contest.
[Chuckles.]
Okay? Well, we look forward to seeing you there tonight, okay? Okay? Thank you.
Good dog.
See you later.
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Ratcheting, drill whirring.]
[Chuckles.]
Oh, hi, there.
Looks like we're just about done watching our show.
And the ladies and I are just about done with our home-improvement project.
[Chuckles.]
You said you wanted my help with the project.
Oh, there it is.
Now, come on.
Go on up there and get get busy.
All right, ladies.
Make it rain.
[All chuckling.]
Oh.
Show's over, but the party's just beginning here.
See you next time.
We're not gonna take it [Laughs.]
No, we ain't