Bewitched (1964) s01e04 Episode Script

Among the more soul-satisfying suburban activities is that collaboration with nature that brings fragrance and beauty to the home.
; Horticulture.
Husbands appreciate their wives' efforts as they leave for their offices secure in the knowledge their mates are at home digging rather than in town shopping.
Patience, fortitude and loving care are rewarded by fragrant blooms sturdy and bursting with colour.
Providing, of course, you have the proper soil and a green thumb or unless you happen to be a witch.
To think I'd ever live to see the day a daughter of mine would be down on her knees in the dirt digging for onions.
I'm not digging for onions, I'm planting gladiolas.
- You're making a fool of yourself.
- Oh, now, Mother, don't be so stuffy.
Everybody plants flowers around their homes.
It's part of the scheme of things.
Anyway, it's fun planting seeds and watching flowers grow in a natural way.
Yes, I saw an exhibition of that natural growth this morning.
When whosis left for wherever it is he goes in the morning.
Well, I just didn't want to look a failure first time at bat.
First time at what? - "Bat," Mother, it's an expression.
- Yes, I know what a bat is.
Those ugly flying things that people think we're always cooking.
Not that kind of bat, Mother.
A baseball bat.
I'm afraid you've lost me.
It's a game people play.
Haven't you ever seen it? - Oh, don't be absurd, Samantha.
- Well, it's every exiting.
They play it with a ball and a big stick called a bat.
One man throws it to the man holding the bat, who tries to hit it.
Then everybody chases the ball, and the man who hits it runs in a circle on a field called a diamond before anyone tags him.
- You're not serious.
- Oh, yes.
- Darrin took me once.
- I don't believe it.
And the one who runs around the most wins the series.
Series of what? - Nothing.
Just a series.
- That's typical.
Typical.
That's a human being for you.
Spend most of their lives running in circles for a series of nothing.
Would you like some coffee? - Love some.
- I'll wash out the cups and saucers.
- Why? - Because we only have two.
We haven't bought any dishes or silver or linen yet.
What sort of coffee do you have? Fresh.
In the percolator, I made it myself.
No, thank you.
I think I'll have a cup of Turkish kawa this morning.
- It's delicious.
Have some? - No, thank you.
- And I wish you wouldn't do that.
- Do what? You know perfectly well what I'm talking about.
This is a normal household.
And I'm trying to avoid witchcraft wherever and whenever possible.
It's ridiculous, Samantha.
You are what you are.
You can't change that.
I'm not trying to change, I'm merely trying to adjust.
- He's trying to make you over.
- He's doing no such thing.
Samantha, one of these days you'll see that I'm right.
I detest sounding like one of those mothers who thinks they know it all.
But unfortunately I do.
- Get away from the window, Gladys.
- Look at that house, Abner.
There's something funny going on with that house.
Nothing funny, it's an ordinary house.
If one minute you saw trees growing and the next minute you saw nothing wouldn't you think something funny was going on? If you heard lightning and whooshing noises all the time as if things were flying, wouldn't you think a minute before being so sure that everything was normal as blueberry pie, Abner? - Move, Gladys.
- You're not listening.
- I'm listening.
- You're not interested.
I'm interested, keep talking.
Just move a little.
"Place cloves approximately 2 inches apart.
Sprinkle generously with brown sugar, then add ginger ale" Mother, Mother, hold it.
I have to get the cloves in first.
Of course, I'd forgotten you do everything the hard way now.
It isn't hard, it's fun.
Anyway, that oven practically does it for you.
All you have to do is set the dials for whatever time you want dinner I forgot to ask Darrin what time he'd be home.
I guess I'd better go to the village and call him.
What's the matter with your telephone? - Hasn't been connected yet.
- Is that all? There you are.
You can call now.
Well, just remember, you did it, I didn't.
Oh, hi, honey.
Well, I should be through here about 6:30 and home about 8.
I see you got the phone connected, huh? No.
No, they won't be here until later this afternoon.
Bye, darling.
Bye, darling.
Move a little, would you mind, Gladys? Do you have any idea how nervous I am about going over there today? - Lf you're nervous, don't go.
- Well, I've got to.
I mean, we're part of the Welcome Wagon.
Shirley Clyde and June Foster and me, we're the committee and you know how they're dying to get in there and see the house.
Move left a little, I can't see the glass.
It wouldn't surprise me if none of us were ever seen again.
- What did you say? - Oh, never mind.
Your shadow's on top of the ball, Gladys.
So help me! I wish you'd cut this nonsense and develop a hobby.
- About 20 minutes per pound.
- Twenty-five would be better.
Why, Mother, I thought you didn't fool with mortal things like cooking.
What I said was I didn't believe in exerting myself.
I didn't say I didn't know how.
- Oh, I'll get it.
- Some of the girls coming to call.
- Oh, really? - Snooping, no doubt.
I'm sure you won't mind if I make myself scarce for a bit.
- Coward.
- Discretion is the better part of valour.
- How do you do? - How do you do? I'm June Foster.
This is Shirley Clyde and Gladys Kravitz.
- We're the Welcome Wagon Committee.
- Welcome to Morning Glory Circle.
Well, thank you very much.
Won't you come in? You sure you're not busy with someone? Maybe your mother, maybe your sister? - No.
Not a soul here but me.
- No one? - No.
- Oh, that's my boy, Robert.
- Robert, now you behave yourself.
- Oh, he's a nice-Iooking young fellow.
- Gracious.
- That's Shirley's son.
I see.
- Three.
- We don't know who he is.
Oh, he's cute.
We brought you this cake as sort of a housewarming gift.
- It's coffee cake.
- Why, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Do you have a maid with a large curly head around? Sorry, no maid.
Now, children, if you aren't quiet, you can't stay in here.
No roughhousing, Stephen.
Don't touch things that don't belong to you.
- Put that back wherever you found it.
- That's perfectly all right.
Why don't you sit in the living room and make yourselves comfortable while I put the cake in the kitchen.
- Why don't we all go into the kitchen? - We wouldn't mind at all.
- Of course not.
After all, we're really not company and your nice things will probably have to last you for a long, long time.
Boys, all right, get up.
Now don't get into mischief.
Oh, that's love - Would you like some cake and coffee? - We'd love some.
Where are the cups? Cups? Not your good cups, of course.
Right over there in the cupboard.
That's bone china.
We haven't unpacked the good stuff yet.
- I can't seem to find the silverware.
- Silver? Well, it's right there in the drawer to your left.
- I thought I looked there.
- Well, look again.
Napkins, ladies? - Hi there, lady.
- How do you do? I'm Black Bob, the fastest gun in the West.
- I'm an Indian.
He's a horse.
- Who are you? I'm a witch.
- Okay.
- You a good witch or a bad witch? Here come the bad guys.
Little boy, here now.
Little boy, here now.
Of course, we don't want a freeway coming through this area.
Then on Monday, you're going with us to picket the construction.
I will? Do you have a gardener that works in pyjamas? What? We're forming teams of two girls each.
Shirley and I are leading picketing teams, and Gladys will stand by in case someone has to sit down in front of the cement mixer.
- Me? Why me? - We voted.
- Nobody told me.
- It was a secret ballot.
Then, of course, you'll help us with the refreshments and - The boys are awfully quiet.
- Yes, isn't that nice? Boys are always dangerous when they're quiet.
- Let's check into this.
- Yes.
Yes, of course.
Nobody asks me.
They just say, "Gladys, go sit down in front of a cement mixer.
" What are you boys up to? There was a witch in here, and she tied us up.
- Yeah.
- Oh, that'll be enough of that.
I think we better take them home.
They're getting pretty tired.
- Oh, I understand.
- How did three of them get tied up? Oh, I'm so sorry.
For goodness sakes, what is this? - Calm down and don't get rowdy.
- Shirley.
How do you suppose all three of them got tied up? Boys will be boys.
But if two are tied up, who ties up the third? Stephen, stop pushing.
He's smaller than you are.
- Shirley, if you had two kids - Just a minute, Gladys.
- Don't run into the street.
What is it? - Not so loud, Shirley.
What's the matter with you? Don't yell, I'm just asking you a simple question.
- Mrs.
Clyde, the boys are in the street.
- Oh, of course.
Oh, boy, I really don't know about this.
Stephen, I told you not to run.
If he gets perspired he gets the flu.
I better take him home.
Please come back again another time.
Abner, you won't believe it when I tell you what just happened.
It's Gladys.
If you don't think this is a crazy house, well, listen to this: Three kids just got tied up in the bedroom.
Do you hear me, three! So what? I'll tell you so what.
How did all three of them get tied up, Abner? Tell me that.
You don't understand.
Two kids are tied up in the bedroom and one kid isn't tied up.
That's normal, but not three kids tied up.
Never mind, Abner.
Never mind.
I should know better than to talk to you, never mind.
- Mrs.
Stephens? - Mrs.
Stephens is in the living room.
Well, I'm here to connect the telephones.
- Well, go right ahead.
- Thank you.
It was very nice meeting you, Mrs.
Foster.
Thank you, Mrs.
Stephens.
Maybe next week, I'll take you to our decorator.
- He can do wonders for you.
- Thank you, that's very kind.
Robert! Thanks for everything, Mrs.
Stephens.
I had a wonderful time.
- Oh, please come back again soon.
- Oh, sure, sure.
Oh, by the way, I let in the phone repairman to hook up your telephones.
Thank you.
To hook up your telephones?! The phone was not connected.
May I never get off this couch again if the phone was connected.
Gladys, don't get excited, you'll melt the cubes too fast.
You think I'm cuckoo, don't you? Gladys, you called me about two kids who were tied up in a bedroom.
- Three kids.
Three kids were tied up.
- Don't yell, Gladys.
If two kids were tied up, I wouldn't have had to call you, don't you understand? Sure, Gladys.
Then you believe me that the phone was not connected? - Want me to call the doctor? - It wouldn't do any good.
- Why not? - He doesn't believe me either.
I told you, Samantha, that you wouldn't like being part of the animal world.
They're not animals, Mother.
They're human beings.
Yes, of course.
Granted, the most intelligent of animals.
And as Diogenes said, also the silliest.
Or was it Diogenes? It was one of those young good-Iooking Greeks who talked an awful lot.
Mother, you must believe that Darrin isn't like that.
- Like what? - The average human.
He's not covetous or envious or inconsiderate.
Are you trying to convince me or yourself? I think it's time the two of you met face to face.
Oh, really? Would you have dinner with us tonight? Well, I don't know.
Still it might be fun at that.
You wouldn't do anything startling, would you? Why? Does what's-his-name have a weak heart? His name is Darrin, Mother.
D-A-R-R-l-N.
And he's in perfectly good health.
And I want him to like my mother.
What sort of mother do you think he'd prefer? Lavender and old lace? Pioneer stock, perhaps? Old World? New World? What would you prefer? Very funny, very funny.
But I'd prefer you on time.
Oh, my ham.
Now, Mother, please say you'll come.
Well, I suppose I might as well get it over with.
Yes, I'll come.
And I prefer the natural you.
And so will Darrin.
I wonder.
- You are very pretty.
- That's not quite the right expression.
You are very pretty.
I'm very handsome.
What time did your mother say she'd be here? - Any time now.
Can I make you a drink? - Definitely.
Having a plain mother-in-law is a new experience to me but having a mother-in-law who's a - I mean, do you resemble her? - No, I look like my father.
What does your mother look like? Well, she's 5'6" and weighs about 118 pounds.
- Well, sounds normal.
- What do you mean? Well, I mean, it looks It sounds like she looks normal.
- What do you expect her to look like? - How would I know? - Well, you know what I look like.
- Well, that's no proof.
- Proof of what? - Proof that she doesn't have Well, a Well, what sort of eyes does she have? They're blue.
All five of them.
You're kidding.
Why do humans care more about what people look like than what they are? It's not that at all, Sam.
What difference does it make what my mother looks like? - I'm merely trying to prepare myself.
- For what? I don't know if like the idea of a mother-in-law with five blue eyes.
Oh, don't be idiotic.
Oh, idiotic am I? Well, let me tell you something, Sam She's here.
- Well, she didn't fly down the chimney.
- Lf you're going to be insulting I'm sorry, Sam, I I didn't mean to say that, it's just that well, I'm nervous.
- Will you answer the door or shall I? I'll answer it.
Ask her to leave her broom outside.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Won't you come in? Samantha.
- This must be what's-his-name.
- Mother, this is my husband.
This is Darrin.
We were having a drink.
Would you care for a cocktail? Thank you, Mr.
Stephens.
Well, I'd like it much better if you'd call me by my first name.
- Very well, Dennis.
- Darrin, Mother.
Oh, of course.
I'd like a very dry martini.
Italian vermouth, Spanish gin and a Greek olive.
- Well, I don't think we have any - Oh, don't bother.
I'll fix it myself.
It's marvellous.
Marvellous.
Now, young man, suppose you tell me all about yourself.
What you do and why do you do it.
Et cetera, et cetera.
Well, I'm in the advertising business.
I'm with a firm called McMann & Tate.
Really, isn't that interesting.
Pardon me, do you have a cigarette? Yes, of course.
Thank you.
You were saying? Our firm handles some rather large accounts.
Thank you, I have a light.
Darrin's firm is one of the largest advertising agencies in the world and Darrin's one of its top executives.
That sounds very exciting.
Samantha, may I have that ashtray? Oh, yes, certainly.
And Darrin is responsible for all of the creative designs for their campaigns.
- What on earth did you do that for? - Do what? You carried that ashtray to me.
Don't tell me you've forgotten how to levitate.
Of course I haven't forgotten, Mother.
It's just that Darrin prefers that I don't do any of that stuff anymore.
Why do you object to my daughter being herself, young man? I don't object, Mrs You'll never be able to pronounce it.
Just call me Endora.
I like Samantha the way she is, Endora.
She doesn't need any of that other nonsense.
- Nonsense? - Darrin doesn't mean anything.
Darrin, please.
I mean, we don't need those powers of hers.
We can handle things very well by ourselves.
Oh, you think so, do you? I don't mean to be disrespectful, but we wanna live normal lives.
What is normal to you, young man, is to us asinine.
Samantha is what she is, and that you cannot change.
Mother, I made the decision myself.
Yes, I know.
A decision I do not approve.
Samantha and I can handle our problems by ourselves.
- They're nobody else's business.
- Darrin, please.
- Are you threatening me? - Not exactly.
Darrin, please understand.
Mother means well.
Don't you worry, baby, your mother will see to it that you're treated properly.
I have every intention of treating her properly without interference from you.
- Young man! - Mother, don't.
Very well.
Just consider yourself lucky that you are not at this moment an artichoke.
So from now on, watch your step, young man.
Mother is watching you.
She's really very nice when you get to know her.
- Abner! - Gladys, what are you doing? She went away in a puff of smoke, I saw her.
One minute she was there.
The next minute she was gone.
What's the matter with you? Suddenly I'm married to a Peeping Tom.
Spying, sticking your nose in everybody's business.
Go back to bed! - You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Go ahead, say anything you want.
Insult me, call me cuckoo, kill me, I don't mind.
And you know why, sweetheart, because I know this is all a dream.
Oh sure, sure, I suppose I look like some sort of a freak to you because I wanna live what is to me a normal existence.
Darrin, I didn't say that.
I understand how you feel.
Whatever it is you want, that's what I want too.
- Are you absolutely sure, Sam? - Yes.
- What about your mother? - She'll get used to the idea.
Anyway, you married me, not my mother.
Say, could she? I mean, really turn me into an artichoke? If she wanted to.
That's creepy.
What could you do? I mean, if she did? - Nothing.
Except - Except what? I could become an artichoke too.